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Just Found Out
User Topic: going on 3 years and very sad
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 4:19 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I would like to send good news out to the new folks on this board.

But I am very sad.

I would like to say that these days will come...and hit you in then head.

Just the realization that your husband took a lover while being married to you.

It is a tough call to live through that.

I am having a tough time right now.

Sometimes it hits you between the eyes.

YOUR HUSBAND TOOK A LOVER WHILE BEING MARRIED TO YOU!

Get used to it if you would like to reconcile.

It is your new normal...


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:29 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Just passed the 3 years mark honey so I can relate.

BIG HUGS honey. You will be OK.

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2748 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I know exactly how you feel. 1.5yrs out from DDay and I feel just as hurt as I did on DDay and I don't see that changing anytime soon, if ever. I know if I choose to stay that this will be my new marriage/new normal (which isn't a marriage or normal). I hate it.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
LadyQ
Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Sorry you're hurting.

I'm about three years from when he first confessed an "inappropriate friendship" with the woman I thought was my friend. The trickle truth lasted another year and a half. I still have days where I'm hurt and lost and dazed and confused. The good part is that they are fewer and farther between. There are days when the affairs don't even entwr my mind. I guess the 3-5 year timeline is pretty accurate.

Edited for clarity

[This message edited by LadyQ at 8:30 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)]


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

((((GettingtoHappy))))) It really sucks, doesn't it?


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8729 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Not for nothing. But not everyone is cut out for R. Sometimes no matter how hard you try it simply cant be done. And there is no shame in admitting that. You need to remember that your WS put this all in motion. And if it comes down to the fact that you cant do it any longer. Well he just needs to accept it. This is a possible consequence of his actions. He certainly had to consider it before he took a lover. Don't kid yourself into thinking you can fake it forever. Because with each day you waste trying R. That's another day you could have used to move on. I suggest you sit down and seriously ask yourself the questions you have been avoiding for 3 years.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5678 | Registered: Nov 2007
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I hear all of the time that it takes 3 to 5 years to recover from this. But we all know this will always be part of our marriage now and part of our history.

I know if I am still sitting here 3 years from now and still feel like I do now I will leave and move on because I personally would know what I already suspect.There is too much damage and too much for me to ever forgive.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
njgal480
Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

It takes a long time to recover from infidelity.

My FWH had a LTA and it took me over 4 yrs until I started to feel like I had made the right decision to reconcile.

It was shocking and traumatic for me to find out that the one person in the world that I thought I could trust betrayed me in such a way.

But, over time as he continued to show true remorse and a willingness to change and rebuild what he had destroyed I did begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I will never forget what he did and I still think about it on a daily basis but.....

the pain is not as intense, the memory of the LTA does not ruin my day, I am able to smile again and enjoy my marriage, my family, my life again.

It was a matter of finally getting to a point of acceptance-that yes....this horrible thing had happened...

and yes-he was capable of this level of deceit and betrayal

but... we had a chance for a new beginning.

Both of us were willing to try again.

In many ways we are trying to un-do the mistakes of the past.
We are spending much more time together, we are more communicative and open (about day to day stuff because at 6 yrs post d-day we do not discuss the OW or LTA anymore).

The pain of the past is there but my life today is good.

With a remorseful WS it is possible to get here.

I'm sorry you're having a rough day.

I hope that you will be able to feel better again whatever you decide.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3163 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I just wanted to say thanks for the kind words and understanding from all of you.
(((((Laura28,TrustGone,LadyQ,solus sto,stronger08,Tiredofthepain,njgal480)))))

My eyes are still puffy and my head hurts from crying so hard.

I hate that part. I wish I could grieve and process this new normal of mine without injuring myself this way.

Everything was and is going well. Mr. Happy is doing his level best to make me feel wanted, loved and safe. Why isn't that enough for me???

Sometimes I think that I use the pain his betrayal as a familiar blanket. I am afraid to let go of the pain and angst, its like I KNOW its parameters and I can control that part of the betrayal.

I fear that if I let my guard down and never talk about his trysts with the ho-worker that he will think that it magically went away. And then I think...not so fast buddy!

I just reread what I wrote and all I can see in my words are hate, pain, betrayal and fear.

WTH! I am a mess today!

Either way thanks for reading my rambling crazyness and for the loving support.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

3-5 years....I've hit the first number and the second one, the 5 year will be this October.

My M did not survive. In fact, the two year antiversary for d-day #2 is tomorrow. That day is the day I said "no more". He moved to his parents until I could afford to get a place of my own.

Anxiety and depression are still a part of my life. Sadness has not gone away. There is a peace that happened when I decided enough was enough.

I don't want to be with XH, but I have PTSD from what he put me through. Just because I moved on from him and fell out of love, doesn't mean I am not forever damaged from what he did.

R is a hard choice. Make sure that the WS's actions are living up to the words. Words really can be empty and mean nothing.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
Shockedman
Member
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

tabitha95: Your post makes a lot of sense. I am only on day 9. Good God! I am in for a long road.

I think that is what I am most upset about. The fact that I did not choose this for myself. Not matter what the outcome, D or R, I have several months before we can even decide which is a better option. Then when we decide, likely several years of therapy to just feel OK again. All by not choice of my own. WW turned a loving, trusting man into a resentful, untrusting one. What an asshole.

[This message edited by Shockedman at 3:54 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]


Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Amen. 2 1/2 years here, and it is still very tough. Better, but still occasionally very tough. It really is the reality of it that hits you, and the fact that no matter how long you live, that will always be your new reality. Your husband cheated. That is the toughest thing about this.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1314 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

All by not choice of my own. WW turned a loving, trusting man into a resentful, untrusting one. What an asshole.

Hey Shockedman, just change the genders and the thats me.
Asshole indeed!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
CryingGreenEyes
Member
Member # 24753
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I feel ya!!! I am a little over 4 years post D-day and I still have my moments when this hell creeps back up on me. My husband travels a lot for work, not something that can be avoided and not something I can attend because of other obligations at home... and when he travels my doubts and fears rush back to my mind. He has been/is doing the right things, I don't believe that he is going to go down that road again especially after the last OW ended up being a psychopath.... but this is what I live with now. You're exactly right... new normal. And how much of a plate of sh*t is that to have to digest? Didn't ask for any of this... yet I'm the one living with the reminders, flashbacks, doubts etc. Seems reasonable that his selfish pleasure gets to cause me a lifetime of doubt. Even if I wasn't with him... I would find it difficult to ever trust someone completely again in my lifetime. Once you get blindsided by a runaway train... you are ever more vigilant when walking on the tracks! Sad but true! HUGS to you, I totally understand what you're feeling and it really sucks!


"The truth shall set you free... but first it's really gonna piss you off!"
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house you can never tell."

Posts: 1573 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: United States
m334455
Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

It's wanting him to make you feel a certain way that is the problem.

It's going to be difficult for him to make you feel beautiful, safe or wanted or loved ever again. Why would he? He discounted you in a rather significant way.

I'm very sorry you're still so sad. I don't think the solution lies with any relationship dynamic anymore. It probably lies in other aspects of your life and your relationship with yourself.

My husband is unable to make me feel safe or uniquely wanted. The only thing I've got going on beyond any other woman he'd find attractive is that I'm the mother of his kids. I have no idea whether or not that's true, but it IS how I feel. It's not going to change. Heaven help us if someone manages to give me those "sweep me off my feet" feelings. I hope my boundaries are tight enough to prevent that.

You need to be happy for internal reasons. That's the key.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
UndecidedinMA
Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

I am just over 20 months and yep, it rears it's ugly head on occasion.

The are less common but every once in awhile I stare at him and think "How could I not know that was in you?" really shakes your abaility to read the "character" of people in your life.


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

... every once in awhile I stare at him and think "How could I not know that was in you?"...

Oh man...This^^^

This happens on a daily basis!

I loved him soooo much.

I am still in a funk. But it is getting better.

Unfortunately I had to turn away from him for a few days. It is tough when you live together but I needed some space to see why I need the "Pain Blanket" to soothe myself.

I really needs to stop. He is doing everything he can to be present. I am the one who hits the roadblocks.

UGGH!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Alex CR
Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

So sorry you are hurting.....

We are 3.5 years out.....most days I don't really think about the A. H has worked hard to change and I see hardly any of the selfishness that used to be such a part of him and that, IMO, was the driver in his cheating...he wanted to and was selfish and he did.

Accepting this is part of my life was not easy, but we've been together a very long time and I find it hard to imagine life without my H. Just the other day he told me he was amazed I am still here with him and I told him as long as keeps working hard at 'us', I am happy with our life and where it's going.

I wonder when I see other couples out there that have been together a lifetime....did they all deal with infidelity, or theft or abuse in some other way where they broke each other's hearts? Did they get through it and resolve the issues leading to a 40, 50 or 60 year relationship that, yes indeed, has some terrible bruises but essentially the majority of the fruit remaining is still sweet and worth finishing together?

I am hoping my H and I fall in that group where we can build good years beyond the A and although the A will always be a part of our marriage, it won't be the focus.

As stronger08 says, though, not every one is cut out for A.....it is a very individual decision. I hope you find the peace you need......


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1703 | Registered: Mar 2010
UndecidedinMA
Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

{{{Happy}} I see you have multple DDays, I think if you didn't have those feelings you would not be normal.

I don't have to be away from him now but then OMG I would have to be so far away.


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

Getting Happy

I am so sorry you are struggling today. (((hugs)))

Sad is okay. You can still be sad, mad, glad, etc. It is all okay there is no expiration date on infidelity and/or healing.

It is like having surgery. The wound has healed but the scar is still there. At times you look down and the scar is raised or more defined. At times you won't notice it at all but the surgery still happened.

I am not sure if you are faith based at all or not. In times when I feel down or low I simply pray that God take away my uncertainty or fear. We control only ourselves and there are no guarantees.

Know what you would do if it happened again. Define YOUR boundaries to give yourself a peace of mind of what you can control.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1163 | Registered: Apr 2013
n0tm3
Member
Member # 37884
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

It's wanting him to make you feel a certain way that is the problem.
It's going to be difficult for him to make you feel beautiful, safe or wanted or loved ever again. Why would he? He discounted you in a rather significant way.

I'm very sorry you're still so sad. I don't think the solution lies with any relationship dynamic anymore. It probably lies in other aspects of your life and your relationship with yourself.

My husband is unable to make me feel safe or uniquely wanted. The only thing I've got going on beyond any other woman he'd find attractive is that I'm the mother of his kids. I have no idea whether or not that's true, but it IS how I feel. It's not going to change. Heaven help us if someone manages to give me those "sweep me off my feet" feelings. I hope my boundaries are tight enough to prevent that.

You need to be happy for internal reasons. That's the key.
`````````````````````````````````
Things rings so true. The hardest thing is that I only want him to sweep me off my feet but I do not know if he ever could again. It takes trust and really believing that he loves.

[This message edited by n0tm3 at 12:02 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 45
Him: WH 45
DDay #1: 12/17/12; OW 47 married 23
years
DDay #2 2/1/13 EA 6 years ago for 2 weeks with a married college friend through FB
Married 18 years, together 21 years
3 kids; 7,13,16
R trying IC and MC

Posts: 246 | Registered: Dec 2012
bestbecameworst
Member
Member # 31507
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

similar place, pretty much don't get hit hard TOO often..

but... my WH took a lover RIGHT AFTER we got married, within weeks. While we were still in the 'starry eyed' phase.

I think I know why I'm never going to "get over" this. But I am living with it!

bbw


Me: BS
Together since 1997, married Jan 2010, EA started Feb 2010, PA June 2010
D-day1 Oct 20 2010 / D-day2 Oct 21 2010 and following week / found this site Mar 2011
He didn't do work to reconcile.
DIVORCED in 2014 and HAPPY!

Posts: 595 | Registered: Mar 2011
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

Yep, next month 3 yrs. And yes, sometimes right between the eyes.
Determined to see the other side of this someday, a vague memory (both of us!)
Hugs to all of us!


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 874 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

Getting to Happy,

When you wrote this:

"I fear that if I let my guard down and never talk about his trysts with the ho-worker that he will think that it magically went away. And then I think...not so fast buddy!"


It made me think of something I have read about men and women that made sense to me:

When there is a problem, or bad thing that happens, men like to tackle it and fix it and then never hear about it again because otherwise they think they haven't ticked it off their list of things to do while....
women like to talk and retalk about the bad thing because it makes them feel safe that the bad thing will never happen again.

Perhaps that is why we (women BS at least) want to keep talking about it....to make us feel that the bad thing will never happen again.
Do male BS want to talk about it less than female ones?


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2013
traditoperanni
Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

Gettingtohappy,
Ditto for me. I have to same feelings. My Dday#1 was 3 1/2 yrs ago and and DDay #2 about 1 yr ago where I found out by fwh had a LTA with one of the ow off and for 37 yrs. So, you bet I think about it everyday. It is so painful. My fwh is trying to do all that he can ( IC,SA therapy and MC)
And that does help but even though we are trying to R and I'm learning more about his issues it still hurts terribly that he didnt fight hard enough to deal with his addiction. Only when faced with D did he finally "see the light".
I sometimes stop and just shake my head in disbelief at what has become my life.
Take care.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 428 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 25