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User Topic: I want to contact the OW
CatchyUsername
Member
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I am 3 weeks since d-day and I want so badly to contact the OW. I want to take all my anger out on her. I want to punish her because I feel like I should be punishing WS but can't because we are currently on the reconciliation path. Help.

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
LadyQ
Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I can tell you from personal experience that unless the ow in your situation is some aberration from the norm, she will not be remorseful. Your words will fall on deaf ears.

First, I got denial. Then I got, well, yeah, we were having an affair, but it's because I had a bad child hood, and he said you were being a bitch to him, and so what because it's not like I was the only one he's been screwing. All around, a very unsavory experience. I responded when I shouldn't have and made myself feel worse. She was nothing, and I should have relegated her to nothing status from the get-go. I was trying to work things out, too.

You will get no closure and your words will have no effect on her. Concentrate all your power on fixing you and your marriage.


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I want to take all my anger out on her.

The problem here is that he was probably telling her what a bitch you are, and if you take all your anger out on her, well then you just proved his point to her.. It's such a twisted game. Well no freakin wonder we are angry now!

I agree to treat her as nothing and focus on your marriage. I'm not sure if "punish" is the right word for what you should do to your WS, but he needs to know the anger you are feeling if he's going to help you heal. He is the one who betrayed you..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2304 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
sunshine226
Member
Member # 38851
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

your words will have no effect on her, she is not worth it


Me-BS (44)
Him-WS (47)
DDay 1/1/2012, common law for 22 1/2 years when he began A in September 2011
Status: moving on without him

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013
sunflowergirl30
Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Imo, all the ow will do is have a pity party for herself. If she cared about how wrong what she was doing was she wouldn't have done it. She is no one and nothing and she knows it. Deep down she knows shes low and despicable. Your acknowledgement of her will just pump up her ego and she can say," oh look how mean his "wife" is to me! Poor, poor me!" She can play the victim in this shit storm her and your wh made. Go get your hair done,buy a classy outfit and take yourself out to lunch. She knows you are better than her. Dont waste your time.


Together 21yrs married 18yrs
2 kids, now 19 & 16
Bw: now 38
Wh: now 37
Mow: now 50
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1079 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
Sue1964
Member
Member # 37057
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Please don't its just a waste of time.
These woman have no morals plus dont see the damage its doing to families.leave them they get what they deserve even if its your h.

Posts: 287 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Uk
struggling16
Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I threatened to contact the AP after Dday and decided it wasn't worth the heartache. I was obsessed with the AP, though; I actually know more about the AP and her life than my H! In retrospect it was a good decision. After a while, the reality struck that the AP was just a symptom of my H's dysfunction. The AP was a liar, knew she was having sex with a married man from the beginning and was a perpetual victim. Apparently the AP claimed to be afraid of me (that fit right in with the victim mentality) because it made me look scary and mean. Everyone is right; the AP isn't worth it.

[This message edited by struggling16 at 3:27 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]


Posts: 722 | Registered: Aug 2011
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I would say don't contact. It seems you only want to contact her to vent, not to verify or get information that you don't know. Although I know that you would feel good at that moment, you would be giving her satisfaction. You would be showing her how much power she had (has), that your husband chose to be with her and hurt you. It would probably thrill her, the drama of it. If there is a husband or boyfriend that she betrayed you could out her to them, but otherwise, think about it longer. She may also throw information in your face that would be hurtful or devastating and you wouldn't even know if it was true. Dont give her the power to hurt you further.
I did call the X@#$% OW and she was venomous to me. I just called and asked her if she could give me some information about her relationship with my husband and she swore at me and threatened me. And then hung up on me so she vented at ME. Write say to her in a Word document. Write it and then go over it and add and refine it to perfection. You will feel better. But don't call her now, you are too raw. (((Hugs))) to you.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Apr 2013
CatchyUsername
Member
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

My circumstance is a little strange in that WH said that he was not in love with her and I actually contacted her the night I found out and she also said she was not in love with him and he was not in love with her. They had a three month arrangement that ended when I found out the week after I met her (they work together and there was a 5 day work event/trip with spouses). She is not attached. I am just so angry and want to do evil things.

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

No, not worth it. Like others have said, entirely beneath you.

Whenever I wanted to confront XH's pig, I'd remember that she was so far beneath me, she wasn't even fit to empty out a trash can filled with my cat's shit. I picture that thing holding a trash can overflowing w/stinky cat turds.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 762 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
CatchyUsername
Member
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Thanks all for the thoughts input. I gotta tell you though I don't see her as a slut or a pig or anything like that. I just think she is a sad woman that doesn't see how her actions/choices impact others. Apparently they had an "we are both adults" understanding. When I talked to her the night I found out she apologized profusely and apparently has not tried to make any non-work related contact with WS. She did not even respond to his No Contact email and text. BUT I STILL WANT TO DO BAD THINGS TO HER just because... not saying I would. I guess I just really needed to tell people that would understand.

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Then I got, well, yeah, we were having an affair, but it's because I had a bad child hood, and he said you were being a bitch to him, and so what because it's not like I was the only one he's been screwing.

Slight t/j, but this happened to me, too. The sob story about her childhood was ridiculous. End t/j

Catchy, I'm all for contacting the OP under the right circumstances and in the correct frame of mind. Giving her your thoughts/assessment on her "sad" self is NOT a good reason, though. Either she already knows she is "sad"...or, she doesn't have a clue and you're not going to be the one to make her see the light. Ugh. OPs can be so damn dense.

I want to punish her because I feel like I should be punishing WS but can't because we are currently on the reconciliation path.

Yea, I don't think you can punish anyone, OP or WS. There are consequences to their actions. That's it. We don't need to get involved in the active punishment. Life/God/Karma/whatever takes care of that. However, you CAN vent to him. You can tell him all the things you really need/want to say to the both of them, regardless of your decision to R. R doesn't mean being nice all the time or keeping the waters calm.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I agree, if you can hold off, I wouldn't contact OW.

I had one electronic encounter with OW before I shut it down, and it was the most awful interaction I've ever had with another human being in my life. I think giving birth was more pleasant.

She claimed to know such personal, intimate things about me, my family, my H. It really messed with my head and still can when I am down and was very, very bizarre.

She was very defensive of her place in his life and is determined she is going to "save him". She is not...no one can.

Sometimes I wonder if our thinking about OW is kind of like an outlet? I had all kinds of feelings for her to for a while, but what I want most of all is not to think of her or let her be of any importance in my life. She is but really isn't, for I think if not this one, another one would have been along. It's awful to say that.

What it may do is cause even more pain, Catchy, and though it doesn't seem possible to have more pain inflicted, it is, at least for me.

In order to not generalize, I will say that this OW doesn't seem to have any morals or standards if she can keep Perv in her life knowing half what he's done-and this will fuel her to fight me like a giant cat.

It's the hardest, hardest thing in the world to let go, but it turned out to be all I could do. I still have tears even though I know all he did, but I can't compete against any OW and I realized now, that I'm worth mroe than that.

You know what I learned? My standards are actully too high for Perv now and OW, stupid fool can have him.

I hope that you can sort through these feelings and realize that punishing anyone is a feeling we have but in time will go away, or at least not be so big.

For a time OW was very important in my mind, but I don't think of her often except to snicker and tab all the money she won't see from him. That's my way of dealing with my feelings, if it helps at all.

I think of myself all that I can and my children and work so darn hard not to think of either of those beasts. I hope you can get to that point someday, but it took me a long time.

It took a long time to realize also, that it's the Monkey in the Middle who is the problem for me, the WS. Again, I hope not to generalize). What I have heard is that he also lied to OW to get her to do what he wanted and she got attatched to him as I had been. He lied completely to her and she let him back, so now my thoughts are fleeting of her but of pity, too, if you can imagine, for look what she got!

No, no punishing of anyone, but instead if there is a way to change your focus, it will help in the best possible way. I am rooting for your reconcilliaton and I'm still trying to believe in marriage.

I am a believer in Karma and not revenge, for I think that Karma is it's own justice, and I wonder if really, that's what you seek? I know it's what I wish for every day, justice and reasoning.

Sorry for the long letter.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

My circumstance is a little strange in that WH said that he was not in love with her and I actually contacted her the night I found out and she also said she was not in love with him and he was not in love with her.

So they are both totally cool with "friends with benefits." I'm actually fine with people doing that, too, WHEN THEY AREN'T IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP ALREADY. It's actually quite scary if you think about his attitude towards sex and how this will pan out in the future. Neither of them cared about the consequences, knowing full well what they were doing.. What's to stop them from continuing it? What's he going to change about himself to not allow this to happen again?

I just think she is a sad woman that doesn't see how her actions/choices impact others.

She DOESN'T care what you think of her. Forget her. You should be focused on the husband you have that didn't think about how HIS actions/choices were impacting you..

There will always be other women around. It's up to your husband to learn boundaries. Changing this woman isn't going to help anything. You can't go changing them all to prevent this from happening again..

It doesn't do any good to try to teach her a lesson before your husband learns his..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2304 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Topic Posts: 14