User Topic: The WS Why
Member # 19234
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I have often read that wh is broken and needs to find out how they are broken in order not to repeat the cheating. So my wh as of now has come up with that he was just not happy because he was not attracted to me. He has proclaimed that it is not an excuse and feels that it sounds shallow but he is being honest. Obviously many people are unhappy in this regard and do not cheat. He is in ic and I am sure they will figure if out. My question is what is broken about WS's. Just seems they are selfish. What reasons did other ws uncover that were able to be fixed? Low self esteem? No healthy communication or coping skills? Just curious what it is that could be broken?

Posts: 228 | Registered: Apr 2008
Member # 37945
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Yes, they're selfish.

That's simply what is broken.

Why they are selfish varies.

Posts: 231 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: texas
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

There are many different reasons that a WS allows themselves to act out in this particularly devastating way. I, for one, think it is important for the WS to do the work to figure out their why. My fWH wrote me a 5 page narrative on his whys, starting with his childhood. In his case it was very complicated and his work at understanding helped us both. And yes he is working to fix himself and has become all I could have hoped for.

Others may have simpler answers, but knowing that simple why doesn't explain how they allowed themselves to make that choice, out of all other options. And I think that is important.

Good luck.

Dday -9/24/2012

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I think that if the why's include anything outside of themselves it is blame shifting.

BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2628 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

The statistics are daunting. The numbers are as high as 70% of men and over half of women will cheat during a committed relationship. Maybe because society looks at it with a wink and a nod (good grief look at television and the open advertising of sites like Ashley Madison) people get the idea it is acceptable. Or cool. Or no big deal. And In all seriousness - aren't we all a little broken? Does anyone over the age of say, 20, not walk around with some issues? So why do some cheat and some don't? Opportunity? Morals? These are vexing questions.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller

Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

And In all seriousness - aren't we all a little broken? Does anyone over the age of say, 20, not walk around with some issues?


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I have issues (CSA, incest, abuse & neglect at the hands of my drug addicted alcoholic mother, etc) but I have a long history of seeking counselling and getting help for my problems.

In contrast my fWS has FOO issues and doesn't believe/accept/acknowlege that people have feelings or needs.

Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.

Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 12008
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Anything that suggests even slightly that the BS is remotely at fault for the cheating is blameshifting. It is not your fault, hopeful. Attraction certainly plays a role in our desires, but it is not a valid "why" to the question of why someone cheated. Our MC suggested that we're not looking for the shallow "why we cheated" answer but the much deeper "what is it inside ME that allowed me to do something I knew was hurtful, dangerous, and wrong?"

The answer to THAT has nothing to do with attraction, sexual desire, marital happiness, stress, finances, kids, coworkers, self-esteem, etc. It's all about whatever it is in the WS that won't heal until it is recognized and addressed.

Me: FWW (STA 2002), now a BW.
Him: FWH (OW1: 2006-2007), now just WH (OW2: 2010-2013)

I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)

Posts: 429 | Registered: Sep 2006
Member # 19234
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

Thanks for the thoughtful replies. In wh case I can't see what is broken yet and therefore worry he can't fix it. I guess it would make me feel somewhat better to know what that issue is. Otherwise he is just a selfish non caring person. Know what I mean? He did not have any trauma in his childhood,etc.

Posts: 228 | Registered: Apr 2008
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

Hi hopefull18, I just posted something like this on this this forum called, Sky-Diving.
My H isn't a selfish, non-caring person which makes this so very difficult to understand. My IC session helped me to understand that this was set to play out long ago.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2431 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 10