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jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Well I don't really know where to start. I came on here in November after finding out about an EA with a coworker of WH. Decided to reconcile, though he continued to work with OW. I have had suspicions that things are still going on since but no proof until it all came crashing down today- a full-blown affair in which he was lying to her about the state of our marriage the whole time...oh, and the kicker is I'm 6 months pregnant. I desperately don't want to be a single mom...what the hell do I do now...


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Is reconciliation even possible after all this???


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

He's been cheating most of your M.

Please don't come at R from a place of desperation. Nobody envisions having a child of D, but IMO that's better than going into the rest of your M letting him call the shots rather than setting out your deal breakers and boundaries and standing strong so he either agrees or leaves.

Read the BS FAQs #11 in the Healing Library. Do the 180 to help get emotional strength.

What were the consequences of him breaking NC? Having a continued A? Whatever they were, stick by them. Even if its to file for D. You can also stop the process or remarry him. What you can't do is make him take you seriously if you keep redrawing your line in the sand...as BS's, we tend to do that initially.

Get tested for STDs, even the ones they don't normally test for. Out the A to the OWs BH or BBF if she has one. Decide what your WH needs to do to earn his way back into the M. I'd start with find a new job.

More people will be along to give better advice.

I'm so sorry you're back here with this news when you should be having a wonderful time of growing into motherhood and building a family.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11186 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
getting_stronger
Member
Member # 32858
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I am so sorry.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2011
de.va.sta.ted
Member
Member # 22922
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Ok, so stop and take stock.

Now more than ever before you are going to have to harness your emotions, and start being really practical and smart about your next steps, for your sake and for the baby.

- how is he behaving right not?
- is the affair ongoing?

If yes: hard 180. See lawyer, look into the financial implications of divorce right now, including child support.

If no: same as above. You will need all that information to make informed decisions, should you decide to leave.

Can you seek out counseling? That would be really helpful at this point. IMO it should be for you alone, not couples counseling.

I know you know this, but make sure to take care of yourself physically. If you aren't sleeping, you might want to mention that to your dr. at your next appointment.

There are worse things in the world than being a single mom. Like going through the first year of your babies life with an unremorseful spouse who is having an affair.

I'm so sorry he's been such a dick, during a time when you should have been enjoying your pregnancy.


Me: BW mid 40's Him: WH mid 50's
D-Day: 2009
There is a crack in everything,
That's how the light gets in...

Posts: 850 | Registered: Feb 2009
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Thank you for your replies...now that the OW knows that he was never planning on leaving me I don't think she wants anything to do with him. He is quitting tomorrow, which puts us in a pickle financially and with health insurance...we have an appointment with a counselor on Tuesday...I'm just so numb


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I don't even feel like asking him to leave or leaving...is that strange?


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

How do you stick to your guns and follow up on threats to leave if that's not what you truly want?


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

No, that's not strange. He has been the person you have relied on for comfort and you still feel that way. It doesn't go away in an instant. You can hope for reconciliation but think it through and see what happens, you probably have more intense emotions now because you are pregnant and your instinct is too nest and build a home for your baby. I am so sorry that this is happening to you. (((Hugs)))


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
so_lost
Member
Member # 7726
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Go with your gut for now jojo. If you want to stay, stay. You'll know when enough is enough.

For now, focus on your health and the health of your baby. Keep eating. You don't want to lose 30 lbs. like I did.

And like I said in another post, if he's not fully NC then make sure the OW's significant other knows everything. For me, both parties knowing about the affair ended everything between the wayward spouses.

Give it time and don't make any rash decisions. Like I said earlier you'll know when enough is enough.

(((jojo)))


D-day April 2005, R.
Me-BS 37
Him-FWH 37, 8 month EA/PA with coworker. Married 2 yrs at the time.
2 kiddos after D-day, Married 11 years.


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2005
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

She isn't in a relationship- she's 25...she thought he and I were going through a divorce and they were going to be together. But I think she's disgusted enough by his lies that she's done with him. I'm jealous of her because she can just walk away...chalk it up as a mistake in judgement, move on with her life...

I have his child growing inside me, his name, a life with him


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I'm so sorry you are here jojo. I would strongly consider canceling MC and concentrating on IC, make it a condition of staying with you that he immediately enroll in IC and make it clear that you are making no decisions regarding whether you will stay with him.

After Dday, I was totally numb too, angry for a while, but then just dove into trying to fix our marriage for the sake of our small children. My WH said he wanted to be married and so I just blindly went with it. It was WAY too easy, and I basically ended up giving him a free pass to continue to lie to me, lie to the MC and keep up the selfish behavior that led to the A. He was cheating anymore, but our marriage was still destroyed and no one was healing.

You have to shift your mindset away from him and toward protecting yourself and your baby. This is what the 180 is all about.

If your WH is a man you truly want to be married to, he will do the work needed, you will see the changes and you will then be able to move into MC. Don't rush it.

By the way, I'm 6 months pregnant too, and understand well how vulnerable you are feeling. Take care of yourself.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Hm...well I told the MFT the situation. We are going in for a free 60 min session together, and she will decide how to continue in terms of who needs what kind of counseling to continue forward....does that sound like an ok idea...

For the record, he was going to counseling about 4-5 months ago but stopped because he said he didn't like the counselor and he felt like he wasn't getting anything out of it


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
MoreThanMe
Member
Member # 25451
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I'm so sorry. Betrayal is bad enough- but then to have to deal with a betrayal while you're pregnant- when you should be thinking of you and your baby- so so shitty. I have largely forgiven my WH for his ONS- but I will NEVER truly forgive his doing that to MY life while I was pregnant with my precious DD.
Have you talked to an attorney? You're not helpless- and being a single mom is a hellavalot better than being like a single mom but with a husband with his head up his arse. Easy for me to say- my WH- remorseful- told me the truth all along. If he hasn't Im not going to pretend to know what I would/would not do.

[This message edited by MoreThanMe at 8:17 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]


Brevity, typos & misspellings provided by my ipad and fatigue.
It's been 4 years, SA husband sober. We're doing okay. Today.

fWH had ONS with High School Principal he met on Ashley.com. 08/25/2009


Posts: 696 | Registered: Sep 2009
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

he felt like he wasn't getting anything out of it

Maybe because he was still lying to you and not putting in the work? He isn't going to get shit out of a situation like that. He was probably lying to the IC, too.

she will decide how to continue in terms of who needs what kind of counseling to continue forward....does that sound like an ok idea...

Sounds good to me. WH needs IC but he needs to WANT IC because of what happened last time. If he's half-assing it, it is just a waste of money. Normally, I would recommend lots of IC before MC but you have a baby on the way. Even strong marriages are rocked by a child.

I am so sorry.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I'm so sorry that you find yourself here again.

You can pretty much bet that this:

But I think she's disgusted enough by his lies that she's done with him.

is not true. She's likely to take it as a challenge and try to get him to leave her. I hope for your sake that's not true, but be sure to watch your WH's ACTIONS and don't just listen to his WORDS.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3354 | Registered: Dec 2011
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

At this moment she is continuing to send me screen shots of texts from him "to use as proof if I need it"....it's getting to be a little much


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

If he's quitting, and they are coming from a work e-mail, then send them to her boss, with info that you are pregnant and ask them to please have her stop.
He should be unglued that she's doing this.
I think it would be wise for you to have a little time to yourself to sort out what's really going on.
Please see an attorney, to insure you and your baby are protected.
This is awful, I'm so sorry. Please play hard ball, you must.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 874 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Ladyogilvy
Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Is there anywhere you can go to get away from him and get real support? My WH was an ass when I was pregnant. As far as I kow his only mistress then was vodka. But, I will never forgive him for not supporting me when I was pregnant. We deserve for that to be a special time in our lives.


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

Thank you for your replies...he was actually being the model father and husband for the pregnancy...he was living a double life


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
m334455
Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

If you want some seriously good advice, Walk out. Just pick up your purse and some clothes and go stay with a family member or friend.

My husband had an LTA that started before we even married. If I'd figured it out with one kid -- I would be totally gone. Probably even with 2.

But either way, here's why you walk out in your situation. Because he's remorseless and he needs to know you're dead serious. Total NC. No info about you, the baby, anything. Have him served too. I was 5 months pregnant (with my 4th) on Dday, and my WH wasn't sure I was going to let him come to the birth until we got up that morning.

I have a friend whose husband was hooking up with an exGF while she was pregnant with the first and when the baby was small, she left him with their 6 week old baby and went total NC for 9 weeks. Stayed with her Mom. She took him back but it was a whole list of hoops to jump through, and she still doesn't share finances with him (13 years later).

You have to say, look, you might not respect me, this woman or yourself, but I respect me.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
nolight
Member
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 2:24 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

You have to say, look, you might not respect me, this woman or yourself, but I respect me.

I completely agree with the above, you are no ones second choice.


Posts: 491 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

Thank you for your responses...to top it all off, when I got home last night, the OW had punched her hand through the front living room window of my house, then spent the whole night trying to get my husband to feel sorry for the fact that she had to get stitches (he gave me his phone to begin the NC contract we created). She was also at the same time texting me that he kept calling her to check on her (I had his phone and he was sitting across from me) to try to upset me, and texting me abusive things...so now not only do I have to deal with the emotional trauma of the affair, but I have to fear my safety as well.


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
hobbeskat
Member
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. That's criminal damage and harassment, please call the police!

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
k9lover1
Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

First of all, I'm sorry you are in this situation.

When you had the issues, did you set firm boundaries? Are you following through with the consequences?

#1 Your WH is a piece of shit. He has an affair and then, even though discovered, continues to hurt you over and over again while starting a family with you.

#2 The police need to be called asap. There is absolutely no excuse for not reporting this woman - do not let her think this can go on.

#3 Set firm boundaries - he so much as flinches and you should throw his sorry ass out the door.

You are in no condition to put up with this crap. Put a stop to it now.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8098 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

Yes he clearly is a piece of shit...I don;t know what happened to the man I fell in love with and decided to marry. He has some serious issues that ned to be sorted out. I haven't called the cops yet because for some godawful reason I'm on the fence about it- I don't want to start a war with this woman when its my husband who's to blame...despite her psychotic and immature behavior, I don't want to get sucked into her behavior and start blameshifting. I did let her know that she needs to pay for the window or I will contact the cops but I don't know if that will happen.


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

To answer other questions, boundaries were not enforced the first time. I blame myself for that. I tried to sweep it all under the rug and hope it would just go away...how naive I was...a no contact contract has now been signed, I have all passwords, and I have his phone for now as well.

I now see the OW is trying to convince me to leave him as well by making up things (see above) so I'd prefer to just have control over all contact she tries to make with either of us.

He is not going to work today and am helping him write a letter of resignation later on. Then we'll have to take it from there- this is the last kind of stress I needed while 6 months pregnant.


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

No. Please don't do this. Call the police. NOW. She is clearly unstable..and you are pregnant.

Yes...you're WH is ultimately responsible for his actions..absolutely. But,honey,she is also responsible for her actions. She is not a child. She is a 25 year old woman who had an affair with a married man. Yes,she said she was disgusted with him,and yes,she sent you emails and texts he sent her...but she also is lying to you about him contacting her when he is right next to you and you know it's not true..she showed up at your house and broke a window...those are not the actions of an innocent woman who found out her boyfriend was/is married. This woman is desperate to get your WH's attention,and has shown you she can be violent...what she did is bad enough,but it can,and very well might escalate if you don't act right NOW. You can NOT be passive. You are responsible for protecting your sweet baby,and yourself. You must go to the police.

Im so sorry he has done this again. You need to stand up,pull your bitch boots on,and take control of this situation...either he does A,B,C,etc,or her gets the Hell out. if you are too passive he will walk all over you.

Big hugs. I hope I wasn't too harsh. Im alarmed at the behavior of the OW,and Im worried about/for you.


(((((jojo)))))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7402 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

Thank you for your reply- you weren't too harsh. I think what also is stopping me from calling the cops is I feel bad for her...I know how manipulative he can be, and she is clearly hurt. Of course, I would never behave the way she did, even though I was the one who really got fucked up by this situation, but do I really want this poor girl to get her heart broken and get arrested in the same 2 days? I know it sounds crazy- you never know how you will act in a situation until it happens to you.


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
UndecidedinMA
Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

. I think what also is stopping me from calling the cops is I feel bad for her...I know how manipulative he can be, and she is clearly hurt. Of course, I would never behave the way she did, even though
I was the one who really got fucked up by this situation, but do I really want this poor girl to get her heart broken and get arrested in the same 2 days? I know it sounds crazy- you never know how you will act in a situation until it happens to you.

I am not trying to be harsh but HUH?!?!? I think you are projecting how you would be as this young woman, she is clearly not the naive young flower you want her to be. She is a master manipulator in training. Believ me I dealt with her grown-up version. She has agoal that is to get into your head & wreak havoc on you. She can then say you ended the marriage she was just a bystander.

MY OWDBC would do the same thing, call me & tell me he was with her - umm he's sitting right here She would tell me where he was & what he was texting her, all of it untrue.

You need to NC her ass now. Block her phone, email etc... Now that they won't be in any contact for work why not? Also I would warn her next contact will result in police report & harasssment order. The ball is then in her court, she can tae the responsibilty if she does it again.

I wish you all the luck in the world.


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

Thank you that's good advice- I will let her know that if she contacts me again. I got all the info I needed from her so I have no need to hear from her again, especially because she kept texting me last night telling me I'm ugly and not a real woman.

[This message edited by jojo42 at 8:27 AM, June 3rd (Monday)]


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
UndecidedinMA
Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

BTDT - please don't let her in your head. You are more of a real woman than she will ever aspire to be. Real women don't lie, cheat & hurt.

{{{{jojo}}}}


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
hemademesingle
Member
Member # 21281
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

I can empathize with you, feeling bad that your WH deceived the OW, but the truth is they all deceive the OW and the BS, I feel sorrier for you, you didn't deserve this nor ask for it, your WH knew what he was doing, he needs to man up

I think that it should be your WH that phones the police to have her charged, after all he is the one that brought the OW into your life, in a bad way

If he calls then he is showing accountability to you for bringing crazy into your life at such a delicate time

All this added stress is not good for you and the baby,

He needs to man up, and put you and your unborn child first, I don't think that you should have to help him write his resignation letter, you didn't cause this problem he did, if you are always going to take care of things for him, what is he going to learn from this horrible experience, besides, he can do what he wants and you will clean up the mess, he needs to clean up the mess that his infidelity has caused, not you

If he won't call the police then I sure hope that you do, the crazy other woman could have thrown a rock threw the window, but no she is crazy enough to use her own hand, she is unstable, and if your WH won't then you need too, please protect the innocent baby that you are carrying, you don't know what this crazy OW will do


Posts: 379 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

Do you have any family close by? Some place safe where you can stay for a few days? Your WH's OW is *UNSTABLE* and you can't ration with crazy. You are not in a safe place right now.
She punched her hand through a window = crazy. She's harassing you = crazy. You feel sorry for her because he lied to her? She knew he was married. She knew he wasn't divorced. Well she knows the truth now and look what she's trying to do!
A rational woman does not behave this way. You are pregnant and your situation is not safe.

I agree about the work situation - if she's contacting you from a work account, forward them to her boss. If you are afraid a restraining order will only increase her behavior, then at the very least go to your local police station and explain the situation. Show them the texts, tell them about the window. They will advise you on how best to handle it.
Not only that, they will then have a heads up and understand what is really going on if she shows up at your house again and you call 911.

I can't imagine going through this and being six months pregnant. Try to stay healthy. Drink ensure or smoothies if your appetite is decreasing and drink lots of water. Make sure you're taking pre-natal vitamins and big HUGE hugs to you....


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

Thank you for all your support and advice. I will go to the police station today.


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

Good! You must protect yourself and your child..not feel sorry for the OW.

(((jojo)))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7402 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
k9lover1
Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

In this economy I would think twice about giving up his job.

If he doesn't have the common sense to stay away from her, then you'll need his child support after you divorce him.

If he does stay away from her, you need the income.

Just my two cents.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8098 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
Reality
Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

Wow, yes, please go to the police. When people harass and feel empowered to do things like smash property, my experience is it can escalate pretty quickly. It sucks, but is true, that unless you document, document, document it, the police aren't as awesome at being proactive as they should be.

I know you feel bad for her, but who's more vulnerable, her or your baby? Yep, the baby. Easy decision. Also, by taking concise action, you're also giving your husband context of just how bad the whole situation is.

No doubt, he's still all fogged up and in denial - to whatever degree - and has minimized the situation and his involvement for a long, long time.

This will help him measure the depths to which he's dragged your lives.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

Thank you for all your support


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
PurpleBirch
Member
Member # 39170
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

My WH cheated when our youngest was 3 months, so I know a bit how you feel.

To be honest, if you have good supports, being a single mom is doable. I lived with my parents for a year after my oldest was born. Saved my sanity since he was super colicky. I actually enjoyed being a single mom, though I think that's cause the bio dad had NC with us, so I got to make all the decisions.

Not sure where you live, but if you want to move (like to another state, for example), doing it before the baby is easier. When you have a CO, it's harder to move away.


Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (31)
Married 3 years.
Confessed to PA April 21 2013.

DS (6), DS (18 months)

Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".

Status: Done like dinner


Posts: 277 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The frozen North, eh?
bestbecameworst
Member
Member # 31507
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

She was also at the same time texting me that he kept calling her to check on her (I had his phone and he was sitting across from me) to try to upset me, and texting me abusive things...so now not only do I have to deal with the emotional trauma of the affair, but I have to fear my safety as well.
..

if you haven't gone to the police yet, you need to do so.

in my case i sent OW a message on email that if she didn't leave us alone, i'd get a restraining order.

THAT worked.

bbw


Me: BS
Together since 1997, married Jan 2010, EA started Feb 2010, PA June 2010
D-day1 Oct 20 2010 / D-day2 Oct 21 2010 and following week / found this site Mar 2011
He didn't do work to reconcile.
DIVORCED in 2014 and HAPPY!

Posts: 595 | Registered: Mar 2011
ButterflyWings
Member
Member # 26493
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

she is clearly not the naive young flower you want her to be. She is a master manipulator in training.

THIS!!!! I'm not adding anything else that hasn't already been said but you should not give this woman the benefit of the doubt any longer. She is proving that she is able to become severely unhinged and is now texting you messages meant to hurt and insult you. If the contact continues, do not engage except for four simple words...."authorities have been notified." THAT should stop the bunny boiler dead in her tracks. Take care of yourself....regardless of what you decide to do about the marriage. Take care of yourself for the sake of your sanity and your unborn child.


FWS: Him (38)/BS: Me (35)
DD, 9 & DS, 3
D-Day: 3.22.09 EA admitted
OW:a very sad, pathetic excuse for a woman.
Status: Forgiven
"Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy."

Posts: 118 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Massachusetts
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Thank you for all of your replies. I did notify the police of the occurrence but told them I did not want to press charges at this point. I showed them text messages and they asked if I wanted to file a RO. I decided I would do so if she attempted any more contact at all. I have had my husband's phone since Sunday night and she has not tried to contact either of us. He will be going into work today to decide what's going to happen there.

I know a previous poster has mentioned he should not leave his job in this economy, and we sort of agree. It's hard for me to think about them still working together after all this, but he has already alerted work he will not be going into the office and staying on the field for now. At least that way they can keep up NC. I will be checking his work email throughout the day to make sure any contact that does need to happen remains business-related only, though I doubt there will be any at all. I imagine they'll use a "middle man" if they have to communicate, but we'll see. I will give him back his phone so he can use it for work but take it back when I get home.

This day will be hard. The time they they spent together during the A was during lunch at work and they would leave early to spend time together. How can I believe this won't happen after everything. I do wish he didn't have to go back there, but we need the insurance and income.


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Just found out she will not be coming back into work until next week because of her cut up hand (from my window) so I feel a lot better. By the time she comes back, he will be strictly in the field and will hopefully be able to stay away from the office as much as possible.


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Please have your husband contact HR.

They will demand NC as its a conflict of interest at the work place.

Agree you need your insurance, totally get that, but your husband needs to start a job search now.

If they work together your mind movies and triggers will be immense.

Agree with others = protect yourself and baby. She is not stable.

Hang in there. Sorry this is happening.

Hugs


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1141 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 45