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Reconciliation
User Topic: Did they immediately give up the OP?
getting_stronger
Member
Member # 32858
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

My WS is still in contact with the OW while he tries to decide what he wants. I keep torturing myself looking at call logs.

If you are in R, did they give up the OP right away? Or did it take them a while to decide?


Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2011
Uneek
Member
Member # 38416
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

He immediately gave her up. There has been NC since the day I discovered it.

Of course, TT taught us that my husband had a second mistress named "pornography" and that just came to light last night. Time will tell if she goes away immediately or not.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2013
hopeful10
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Within minutes of me finding out about the A and packing up our kids and leaving, my WH emailed OW and told her they would no longer be in touch. Four months later when he told me the whole truth regarding the extent of the A he also admitted that although he was NC he was still fantasizing about OW during that time.

Going NC is an important and necessary first step, but I learned the hard way that having it doesn't necessarily give you R.

I'm sorry your WS is torturing you like this. I can't imagine being so hurtful to another person.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 351 | Registered: Dec 2012
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

WH gave up AP immediately without me asking. I threw him out, he wouldn't go. MOW was texting and skyping him non-stop, unaware of what was going on. He never responded to her.

36 hours later I relented, agreed to attempt R and a NC email was sent.

During that 36 hours he had not responded to a single one of her contact attempts, even though usually the only time they went more than 20 minutes without "chatting" was the 6-7 hours during the night that MOW was asleep.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2012
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

(((getting_stronger)))

This should not be his choice to make. This is YOUR choice. Do you want to be with a man with a mistress or not? Cause right now he has one.

If you do not want to be in a 3-way relationship, then I suggest you wage a shock and awe campaign. 180 him. File for divorce. You can find someone new who is not a cakeeater.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2012
so_lost
Member
Member # 7726
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

After my D-day, my FWH gave up the OW immediately. I know the OW's BH knew something more was going on months before. It wasn't until I also found out that my FWH went NC.

My advice to you...if the OW has a significant other and he doesn't know about the A, I would call him and tell him the truth. IMO it's your best shot at NC and getting your WH out of the fog.


D-day April 2005, R.
Me-BS 36
Him-FWH 37, 8 month EA/PA with coworker. Married 2 yrs at the time.
2 kiddos after D-day, Married 11 years.


Posts: 260 | Registered: Jul 2005
tryinghard2013
Member
Member # 37981
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Mine called her immediatelyvon speaker phone and told her it was the second biggest mistake in his life (his affair was with his ex wife) the first was ever marrying her but it was instant no contact from that day however we did have to put an order of protection on her cause she wouldn't go away.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Jan 2013
Knowing
Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

fWH dumped her immediately as his AP but not as his boss on potential future projects, that took another 2.5 months.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

WF was not attached to any of them at all. I don't think he even remembers their names (thank god).

In the past, I have found that a lot of the time, they don't immediately cut to OP off- and some will do a slow faze-out, while others don't even do that.

Sounds like your H is still very much in a fog. Why are you letting him live with you if he doesn't know what he wants to do?


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 809 | Registered: Jan 2013
Zayda1
Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

He dumped her on D-day (WH confessed). There was no love between them (so he says) and it was just sex, so he says there isn't anything to miss.

If he hadn't dumped her I would have dumped him...end of story.


Married 8 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 439 | Registered: Apr 2012
crestfallen
Member
Member # 27993
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Husband called OW next morning and claimed to dump her like a hot potatoe, but continued to respond to her phone calls for another 7 months for fear of being vulnerable. He was her boss...

I call it bullshit! I can't stand him!


BS-me-56
WH-56
Married 31 years
OW-Mr. Ed ish! Seriously!
DDAY- 2/21/09
TT until 1/10/10
Working on R and doing well!!

Posts: 168 | Registered: Mar 2010
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I don't think you can actually be in R unless the OP is completely out of the picture.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1695 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
LivinginLimbo
Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Not only did he dump her, he told me he was "relieved" that I found out as he was trying to end it. (I was less than thrilled that he made it sound as if I helped him.)

I cannot understand how you tolerate contact for well over a year. It may be time to rethink how you're approaching this. It sounds as if he really did a number on you. I hope you find the strength you need to get out of the nightmare you're living.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 941 | Registered: Mar 2012
allfalldown
Member
Member # 39324
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

MOW sent WH a NC which ended their A. He has not seen her but I know he still hasn't given her up in his mind...


Dday 5-10-13
1 year + EA/PA (still TT)
Me- BW
Him- WH
M- 15 years
2 kiddos
Today's forecast is foggy with a chance of D.

"Better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie"


Posts: 58 | Registered: May 2013 | From: hell on earth
NoraLee
Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

My H took it underground for a month. Upon discovering their continued relationship AND how it was a lot more involved than he originally confessed, I turned all business and rationally discussed separation and divorce. THAT was when he went NC to an extreme. Took a 6 week leave of absence from work - sent NC text - changed phone number....

I firmly believe you have to shock them into the reality of their situation. My H told me that had I taken a hardline after Dday 1 - he would have ended it immediately. Of course - I didn't take a hard line because he'd only given me the vanilla version of the EA.


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

My WS is still in contact with the OW while he tries to decide what he wants.

This was infuriating to read. I don't know what he wants, but what deserves is to be tossed out on his ass. Easy for me to say, I know. I wish you the best.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1025 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

If you want to R despite his needing time to make a decision, that's fine. Lots of us here have accepted shit that others could not imagine. 2nd D-Days, underground As ("at least" you know he is still in contact with her), addiction, etc. Its your choice.

However, I think the others are right that you shouldn't consider yourself in R right now. You're not even one step into it because he's "deciding." Nor should you expect this cake-eating/3-way relationship to end unless YOU end it. Toss his ass. 180. Get healthy so that, if/when he comes back, you're in a clearer state of mind to make the decision to R if that's what you really want. Staying where you are isn't going to get you any closer to R.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 664 | Registered: Oct 2012
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

When I discovered the A, WH was at work. I told him not to come home unless he was completely done with OW. He threw her under the bus without a second thought.

When she started fishing, WH blocked her number and email. We wrote an NC letter and he sent it. Then, OW showed up at his work. He didn't say a word to her. She followed him to his car crying hysterically and tried to prevent him from leaving. He ignored her, got in his car and drove home. She had colleagues and even her mom try to contact him. They all got NC.

WH was so relieved to be rid of her.

If you are in R, did they give up the OP right away? Or did it take them a while to decide?

Married people have already decided. When WS's are confused about who they want, they are no longer married in their hearts. Make it official and file for divorce. (I know, easier said than done, but I am pissed for you, getting_stronger!!)


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
getting_stronger
Member
Member # 32858
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Thanks everyone. We definitely aren't in R yet, I know. I was just curious.

I know I need to be strong, 180 him and protect myself. But I can't. I know, pathetic. We've been down this road before, and I want the chance to fix it the way we should have before. If then my marriage fails, then I know I did everything possible,

This just really sucks.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2011
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

No. My WH#2 did not give up the OW on DDay#1. He pretended to go NC, then took it underground for almost another year until she outed him again. This time I have done more with his consequences if he breaks NC again or has another affair, we are through. He no longer has a choice when it comes to me. With that said, if he had ever said he was trying to decide between us, I would have filed for D immediately. He doesn't get to choose between his wife and his GF. I will make that choice for him because I damn sure don't want anyone that doesn't want me. Like I told him, if he wants her, don't let the door hit him in the ass as he leaves. You do not deserve to be treated in this disrespectful manner, nobody does. Until you say stop he will continue to cake eat and you will continue to be hurt and confused. Put your foot down and tell him it stops now!!! You can do it and it might make him pull his head out of his ass.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
MystiKay
Member
Member # 36401
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

The second time yes. He gave up everyone that was involved with his twisted little games. I still feel bad about that, it does bother me, that life long friendships he doesn't have anymore.

HUGS

Him not giving up the OW must be so hard on you. Stay strong!


Posts: 276 | Registered: Aug 2012
jellybean22
New Member
Member # 38732
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

No. They ended the affair before I discovered it. But they thought they could go back go being friends. We are almost three months out and they texted as recently as this past week.

I'm almost certain it'll be done after the events of today though.


Me: 37 BS
Him: 38 WH
M: 11 years, T: 17
2 boys
DDay: 3/11/13
Status: In MC/R, Retrouvaille graduates

I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Limbo
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

No, because they were such good, special friends. And coworkers. Not until she started going bunny boiler. And I emailed her to stay away from my house and kid. CC'd her BH.

We did not truly start R until then.

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 9:44 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Sep 2012
3yrwait
Member
Member # 29907
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Over the course of about 9 months after DDay, I begged, pleaded, yelled, and WW and OM remained in contact with each other (despite the fact he had filed a police report on her).
I finally got the balls to move forward with divorce (I asked OM for advice, hehe) and the affair ended within a couple of days.

Lesson: don't tolerate it. If he doesn't want to end contact, move on.


Me: BH (early 40s)
Her: WW (early 40s)
Married 15 years
1 daughter, under 10
DDay July 2007

Posts: 450 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: 3yrwait
Fallen
Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I did not. He was insurance against being alone. I sat on the fence for about 6 weeks until my BH and I had a discussion where he told me he knew if I didn't choose us that he'd move on, find love and be happy again. That was my wake up call.

I knew I had issues and I was working on them in IC, but that conversation showed me how serious my H was about leaving if I didn't make up my mind. I hate that I did that to him. Right after that talk, I sent a NC letter to the OP and R started in earnest.

Through the next several years the OP did try to contact me. I told my H right away and we handled it together.

It's been almost 10 years since the A and we are happy together and fully reconciled. In spite of the fact that I didn't immediately end things, we still worked hard to reconcile and have a really great life now. It is possible.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
Hearthache again
Member
Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

This was not an issue for us.

OW#1 my H tried to end contact with her several times but she would weasel her way in through his sister. I think he was afraid I would find out if he came out and told her no.

OW#2 She was already fired from work 6 months prior to me finding out. I discovered when she sent a message on FB telling about the A. She was pissed that we were happy and I was pregnant. Her fiance broke up with her that day.

From what I have read on here making them decide helps a lot. I would stand firm on this.


Me-BS(32)
Him-WS(35)
Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!


Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
Happydays
Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I am not in R, but tried to R with a remorseless soul.
The bond between OM and exW grew stronger and stronger.
They made plans to make a fool of me. Enjoyed countering my moves. Replying nastily to my legal notices. I imagined them sitting together with her lawyer and OM suggesting answers to my questions.
They thought I was playing tough to get and was on a mission to make a big scene.
Well the movie got over with a D so deal with it smarty pants.

D was the only thing that make reality hit hard.


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
m334455
Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

Beats the heck out of me. Clearly I had no idea what he was up to, so how do I know if it was immediate, or even if she's truly out of the picture now?


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Wonderingwhy11
Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

WH told me he tried to end the A several times before I found out. He told me he was not in contact with her a week after DDay. Almost a year after DDay I found an e-mail dated 3 months after DDay which proved he lied. He said he finally ended all contact about a month after the email I found. I suspected he was still in contact by his behavior. Our R did not officially start until about 4 four months after he said all contact ended. We couldn't R if WS was still in contact with AP. It took that long for him get his head out of a$$. We finally went to MC and that has helped the process of R. It has been a rollercoaster.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

Husband called OW next morning and claimed to dump her like a hot potatoe, but continued to respond to her phone calls for another 7 months for fear of being vulnerable. He was her boss...

I call it bullshit! I can't stand him!

Same here! WH was MOW's boss. Claimed to end A, but broken NC in both person and phone was caught by me again and again

WH claims that he was worried she would sue for sexual harassment and he felt sorry for her.

This is what I still have trouble getting past in R and may eventually be a dealbreaker for me.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
In R
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth." -Carl Sagan

Posts: 2248 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

He doesn't get to choose between his wife and his GF. I will make that choice for him because I damn sure don't want anyone that doesn't want me.

Absofriggenlutely!!!


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
In R
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth." -Carl Sagan

Posts: 2248 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Bravenewgirl
Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

Nope. D-day was July 4, 2012, he continued contact with OW until the end of October when I caught them in our local pub together. He was lying to both of us the entire time--telling her that he was divorcing me, and telling me that he wanted nothing to do with her. He was also nursing her though her suicide threats and her own father's A.

He really thought he could take his sweet time and decide who was going to make him happier (i.e. who would validate his ego more), and that we would just both patiently wait for our golden prize.


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 654 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
Knowing
Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

Getting_stronger, I sent you a PM.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
struggling16
Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

Yes. Instantly.

He gave me all his affair phones and we took out the batteries almost immediately after discovery. We had a few odd calls (one was a phony "survey" and some weird hang-ups from that area code) on the land line over the next year but I answered the phone each time and shut them down. He has had absolutely no interest in the AP whatsoever for the 29 months since Dday. I have researched the AP intensively and know so much more about her than he does and he has no interest. It's sick but I'm grateful for this. How can someone be willing to risk 29 years of marriage for an AP and yet treat them as a nothing? He knows that I'm done if there is any contact.


Posts: 677 | Registered: Aug 2011
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

Yes she did, and without prompting from me. My heart goes out to you - they just don't understand the hurt it causes when they protect the AP over the person they were supposed to love. He needs a wakeup call yesterday.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3299 | Registered: Dec 2011
MrsDoubtfire
Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

No. My WH#2 did not give up the OW on DDay#1. He pretended to go NC, then took it underground for almost another year until she outed him again. This time I have done more with his consequences if he breaks NC again or has another affair, we are through. He no longer has a choice when it comes to me.


Pretty much the same as the above although we were S during the time he took their A underground.

As soon as I knew it hadn't ended my pathetic "staying nice in the hopes of loving him back" stance was smashed to bits. I put my big girl pants on and my bitch boots and went NC with FWH, initiated D and outed him to everybody who had 2 ears!!!

De fog that mofo and don't play nice thinking this will win him back. It won't!! He'll just play you all the more as he will see a pushover!!


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1528 | Registered: Jul 2009
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

Yes, immediately. But, it was clear from me that there would be no 3rd "friend" in our marriage.
It won't end until you say it does. Take the risk, get to the attorney, and in your case, I would say file right away. As others will tell you, you don't have to follow through unless he still refuses to give up AP.
Don't let this abuse, and it is, to you, continue. Please get some help, Now.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 847 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Betrayed55
Member
Member # 32289
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

The day I found out about the A, I kicked him out. I absolutely thought it was over. The next morning we texted for a few minutes and then he asked if he could call. He did. I said the only condition I had in order to try again would be if he gave up all contact forever with ow. He was shocked. But it yanked him out of the fog so quickly. Within hours, he sent her a NC contact email, which I read before he sent. This was all before I found SI. There has been nc ever since. It's been over two years. A roller coaster ride, for sure, but we are getting better and better.
There was no way I was going to be anyone's plan B - if he'd wanted her, there would have been no R.

YOU decide, don't let him call the shots here.


Posts: 144 | Registered: May 2011 | From: New York
Razor
Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

My opinion is that how your R will go (or not go) depends on how your WS acts in the first weeks and months. I believe that our WS either get it right away ON THEIR OWN or they never will. I feel it is a big RED FLAG that your WS is not immediately seeing what they are about to loose and making a FAST U-turn and working frantically to make it right soas to not loose you.

Of those WS who *get it* later I oftimes wonder if what they say or do is not an act. I wonder if they are not their natural unremorseful cake eating self then see that their BS is moving perhaps toward D. Then they see that a act of pretending is what is necessary to keep the status quo. I am there for wary of WSs that do not get it immediately.

My WW was like this. No remorse or empathy. Right after dday I was blamed for her actions and told to get over it. Eventually when she saw that was not working she tried an act of sympathy and sorrow. Her sorrow was always for her self though.

So be careful. A WS that does not get it immediately maybe never will.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3074 | Registered: Sep 2007
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

(((jellybean)))

I know I need to be strong, 180 him and protect myself. But I can't. I know, pathetic.

Gently here - it's not that you can't, it's that you won't. A huge difference. IMO if that does not change, not much will.

Take of yourself and those who show love to you. Your H isn't. Sorry hon. Start making plans for yourself.

My WW gave him up right away because I was so angry I would have gone nuclear and she knew it. I told her mom, her boss, OM's W and my WW's friends. I It was simply not on me and if she was going to be a jackass I wanted everyone to know who she was. I highly recommend it.

take care...



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
WaryOptimist
Member
Member # 19911
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

My WS is still in contact with the OW while he tries to decide what he wants.

This is exactly what I was told and what I lived for over 6 months. I was terrified to press the decision in case it was OW, not me, for whom he decided.

The upshot? To this day, I do not feel he's here for me. We actually had a discussion last night. He asked me if I felt loved. Nope, not loved nor safe, because loving me in his world wasn't enough to "decide what he wants", didn't prevent the A, and is absolutely no inoculation (let alone guarantee) against it happening again.

Hon, don't do this to yourself. Stand up and make the decision, rather than waiting for him to choose. Take back the power. It will be an incredible source of self-respect for you, and will start you on your healing.


Me: The faithful one
Him: WS
4 great kids
Married 28 years, together 35
D-Day: April 1, 2006 (yep, April Fool's Day...)
Aaaaaas Yoooouuu Wiiiiiish...

Posts: 629 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Here & There
uniquenewyork
Member
Member # 30811
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

Nope.
2nd to last OM, she said all the right things while maintaining contact. Busted her breaking NC MANY times. Once it got too inconvenient for her, she gave up (sorta) and started another affair with latest OM.
They continue to work together and have daily contact. She can't (won't?) give up her job to be in NC...


Me(BS): 44/Her(WS): 43
S:11,D:8,D:6
Affair with OM#1 before we were married.
Couple day fling w/ OM#2
Me as a WS: late '07-early '08.
EA/PA with OM#3: 2/16/09 (many D-days after, broken NC.)
EA/PA with OM#4: Found September '10; PA

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Wisconsin
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Flame  Posted: 10:25 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

You've had an account here since 2011.

I fully understand how hard it is when you've been emotionally beaten down for a long time. But you need to focus on yourself. Start with the 180 (BS FAQs 11).

Tell yourself over and over...you are not an option.

You're not some toy he gets to buy then return then buy again when he's bored. Not a kitten to be picked from a box of other free kittens.

You are the person he vowed to love and be faithful to forever. If he's not choosing to honor that vow then he's choosing to not be M. Now you need to choose you.

BTDT- being a doormat gets you nowhere but walked all over. Stop saying it's hard and start taking every little damn baby step you can.

I am so sad to see that you're accepting this treatment. Please stop. It won't happen in a day but you can work your way towards valuing yourself enough...and who knows, maybe that will make him see your value too. Or maybe not, but at some point you won't care because you'll know your worth.

He sure as heck never will as long as you're showing him you're going to accept this mental abuse and pretty much beg for more.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣


Posts: 10869 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

My WH dumped OP on D-Day.

If I were in your shoes, I'd take the bull by the horn, you make the choice.


Posts: 7260 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
getting_stronger
Member
Member # 32858
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

I wouldn't necessarily say he's trying to decide between me and her. Right now, he's trying to decide if we could ever repaire the damage we've caused to one another. We've both always just rug swept our problems instead of working on them. There are years of scars and walls built up because of the pain we've both caused.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2011
NoraLee
Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

He has to want to repair the damage enough to go NC with the OW. You can't start healing and repairing while he actively continues to break and wreak havoc on you and your marriage.


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

i dont think that these affairs are ever really "just about sex." they say that to make the BS feel better....and because they are shame (for getting caught) and causing so much damage that they try to minimize the relationship. fact is that...when they have the affair...they are in it head on, and know exactly what they are doing and are willing to take major risk to be with the OP. so, when they get caught....no, i dont think they really give them up immediately. i think they tell us that...out of all the shock and shame....but in their heads...the OP is still there. that is why i think 99 percent of the time there is still contact, until the reality of the situation comes into play...and then it quickly dies...as most affairs do in the light.

when my wh affair was exposed...and everyone knew, and she shared all the details by calling me...the families knew...it was all out there in the light...and we were separated because of it....and all the pain was out there....the affair died. there were a few text between the 2 of them initially....and then after that we went nc.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 1 baby
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bitchboots

Posts: 907 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
pewpewpew
Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

Sadly, no.
I bought the whole "just friends" and WH promised he would never speak to her again.
A month later, I learned they had taken it underground.


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Jan 2013
smittennomore
Member
Member # 38150
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

Yes... and no.

WH immediately stopped the affair, I spoke to her by phone to tell her that I knew, he officially ended it with her over the phone the next morning with me standing there, and then a very strict NC email was sent. However, he still worked with her (although he took a one month leave of absence). He saw her on three different occasions and struggled with going NC mentally. He still was sexually attracted to her. That caused me to force him to choose, his job or me. He left his job, the affair was fully outed at the office, which led to him learning all kinds of disgusting things about her and the full realization of who she is as a human being hit him like a 2x4. Didn't take too much longer with some focused work in therapy to go full physical and MENTAL NC.

For me, I was at a point where I was going to leave if he wasn't able to get that figured out.


Me (37): BW
Him (33): WH (1sorryGDF)
D-Day: 12/19/12
DD: 3yrs old
DS: Almost 2!!
2 yr EA/PA
Working hard towards R with IC's/MC
Slowly... but getting there

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jan 2013
BW2639
Member
Member # 34875
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

She supposedly ( at least I think it was true at the time) gave up the OM when I first found the phone calls. Although, I found out later, that she only confessed to a EA not the PA that it really was. Then he apparently called again after a few months and the PA continued for 3 more years. But as of now, I believe she has indded given up the OM


married 21 yr
Reconciling

Posts: 165 | Registered: Feb 2012
keeponkeepingon
Member
Member # 32935
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

No. MrKOKO told me he loved me but not in love with me. Denied there was another person.

Two weeks later I found out about the OW while he was with her in her state. He told me he was on a business trip with a client. When he came home I told him I would not fight for him and he was free to leave.

We did go to MC and he told me there that he thought that he loved her. I said leave then. He did. We were separated for a year before he finally got his head out of his ass.

She actually broke up with him because he would not D me. She called him up the next day and the next several weeks to restart the affair but he would not. He had been in IC for a while and his IC told him to wait to come to me about R so that I would not feel that he was dumping one to come jump back with another.

Our separation and his contined A has caused so much difficulty in our R process. The treatment after discovery was so much harder to heal from then even the affair itself.

Focus on you and what you want. You deserve more than what he is giving you now.


"I know you and you know me and I know you can see. So help me get my way back to you"

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: On the corner of Grey St at the end of the world
TXBW68
Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

Nope. I kicked him out - then on move out day (5 days later) I practically begged him to stay. He left anyway. They were "in lurve".

Their "relationship" came to a halt on its own 5 months later. It was all long distance - texting/chatting/phone anyway. They only saw each other in person 4 days during their 8 month "lurve" affair.

Looking back, that time apart gave him a new perspective on life. He now has a greater appreciation for me/our marriage and he realizes that their relationship was just fantasy-land - an escape from being a husband and father.


Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 781 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Angry  Posted: 3:07 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

He totally NC her immediately. However, she lurked around for about 3 more weeks.

We called her together and told her to leave us the F alone.

That seem to do the trick. Dumb witch.

On another note: (((gently)))
You can not have real R if he is still in contact with her. He is still in an A. Either EA or PA. NC is NC.

I agree with Wary

Stand up and make the decision, rather than waiting for him to choose. Take back the power. It will be an incredible source of self-respect for you, and will start you on your healing.

You deserve to be treated better than an option.

Hang in there and be strong for YOU. You matter.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 3:08 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 829 | Registered: Apr 2013
ms521
Member
Member # 12008
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

(((getting_stronger)))

WH took his affair with OW1 underground after DDay 1. I knew they were still in contact, I knew he was still "in love" with her, but I wasn't ready to give up on us. Having experienced "the fog" myself, I knew she was something he could get over if he wanted to.

That said, you need to decide how long you're willing to wait. I stressed and cried and doubted his stories about it being over for about 8 months, right up until DDay #2, when I found hard proof. That was about it for me. The point where I was able to do a 180 and say to myself, I'm going in this direction, and he can either follow me or stay with her. But I will no longer wait around for my husband to act like a husband.

OW2 was dropped immediately, but I think he was pretty keyed into the idea that *IF* I would ever be able to forgive a second affair, then I would need to see immediate attention and action on his part.

Right now, he's trying to decide if we could ever repair the damage we've caused to one another.

This is a valid point, but I would suggest that this is something he needs to figure out on his own. It sounds like you believe you can repair the damage done to each other, so really the question comes down to how long you're willing to wait around for him to decide whether HE thinks what you two have is worth fighting for??


Madhatters.
Me: FWW (STA 2002), now a BW.
Him: FWH (OW1: 2006-2007), now just WH (OW2: 2010-2013)

I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)


Posts: 429 | Registered: Sep 2006
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

The affair had ended the day that I found out. MOW was cheating on my WH so he dumped her. She showed up at my house that night. There was no need for my WH to "give up the AP" BUT if this was not the case I would NEVER have allowed my WH time to decide. If he did not beg for a 2nd chance, go 100% NC, and work his ass off to right his wrong then I would show him the door.

My WS is still in contact with the OW while he tries to decide what he wants

^^^Never, ever, ever, ever, ever would I allow such disrespect.

To be in true R the WS must give up the AP, this is not an option.


ME: 53 BS
HIM: 60 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 1968 | Registered: Nov 2011
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, June 3rd (Monday)


My WS is still in contact with the OW while he tries to decide what he wants. I keep torturing myself looking at call logs.


If you are in R, did they give up the OP right away? Or did it take them a while to decide?[/


There absolutely no R until the OP is gone.

R is a gift from the BS not an option. If the WS can't give up OP then R shouldn't even be an option.

[This message edited by Lucky at 4:48 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Topic Posts: 56