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Just Found Out
User Topic: living together
Shockedman
Member
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

10 days since dday. she moved out immediately upon my request. i think sepeartion has been good for both of us,but i wonder for how long?

we are both in IC and i am just starting to wonder if it is better that she come home? now that she is away at her dads i have even less of an idea if she is still in A. if she came home i could better monitor her actions. any advice? would that help or hinder?

is it just making it easier for her to not face reality because she cant see the pain on my face? living at her dads is unfortable,im sure, but not that bad. would she feel more pain having to face me everyday? better wake up call?
she still is not willing to do nc agreement even though she claims no contact, so i believe something is still going on. even worth it?

[This message edited by Shockedman at 5:48 AM, June 3rd (Monday)]


Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

she still is not willing to do nc agreement even though she claims no contact, so i believe something is still going on. even worth it?

Trust your gut. Almost certainly there is still contact. And even if there's not, she should be doing everything reasonable you ask to prove to you there's not.

I think you're lucky she's moved out of the house. It gives you space so you can focus on you. It wasn't until XWH moved out that I could start to gain clarity on my situation.

You are the parent of your future self. How do you want your life to be 5, 10, 20 years down the road? Start taking steps now to ensure that happens.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3410 | Registered: Dec 2011
LonelyHusband
Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

Whether it is worth it or not is a question only you can answer.

If you want to force to face what she has done then she needs to see it. She needs to face those consequences 24/7. Having her away from the house might allow you to detach, but it will also allow her to do the same. She wil be unlikely to come to her senses when separated, as she is free to continue to see the OM.

However, she has not committed to NC and is unwilling to do so, so personally I would just file for divorce without any warning. thats the one thing most likely to wake her up and, even if it doesn't, you'll be on the path to healing.


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

she still is not willing to do nc agreement even though she claims no contact, so i believe something is still going on. even worth it?

This is a huge red flag to me. If she wants to come home then she needs to agree to certain things and certain boundaries and a NC letter is essential. There very well could still be contact whether she's at home or not, she can just take it underground if she really wanted to.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

Has she read "Not Just Friends"? Has she told you what she's been doing in IC? Has she given you all her passwords or blocked OM's number on her phone? Have you had any conversations without her blaming you?

I would say that if none of those things are happening, letting her move back in would make you too vulnerable. I don't think separation alone can make a marriage fail.

Time will tell whether your WW has the guts and humility to reconcile.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Shockedman
Member
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

sailorgirl:

Has she read "Not Just Friends"?
I told her to and she said she will

Has she told you what she's been doing in IC?
No.
Has she given you all her passwords or blocked OM's number on her phone?
No

Have you had any conversations without her blaming you?
No. Not at some point in the convo. Other things are just selfish stuff, Like I can't believe I did this and I am a cheater and you don't deserve this. One stray bone here and there for me. Basically I think she is sorry she got caught and the problems it has caused but she is not sorry for the affair.

Time will tell whether your WW has the guts and humility to reconcile. Not looking good so far and I am trying to be patient, but I do love myself and don't want to get hurt again if she is just waiting till MC to say she wants D. I am making choices for myself and she can't handle not being in control.

[This message edited by Shockedman at 11:18 AM, June 3rd (Monday)]


Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
numb&dumb
Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

I am going to second what LH said.

Moving back ? Is this because you think she will suddenly become remorseful ? It doesn't sound like it. Chances are OM is still in the picture. Offer it, but in exchange for what you need. NC, reading just not friends, transparency, etc. If she says no, you know where she stands and the path forward is clear. Besides she needs to realize she lost all control of the situation as soon as you found out about her A. It doesn't hurt to remind her of that once and awhile. It helps you feel like you are standing on your own two feet too.

Many times the image we hold of a person is not the real one. It is easy to view them as we want them to be viewed, not as they actually are. She has shown you who she is lately. Acting like she has, I would ignore what she says and believe half of what she does. Crumbs do not move this forward. Crumbs keep you stuck in a painful cycle until eventually you give up out of exhaustion or desperation. It is kind of like she wants to give you just enough of the love drug to keep you hooked. Go cold turkey for awhile. Not a good way to live settling for scraps. You are worth a heck of a lot more and it is her loss that she doesn't realize it.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2568 | Registered: May 2010
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

Frankly, she''''s not ready for the privalege of moving back in with you. Not until she has initiated NC and actually shown you that it is in effect by granting you compete access to every electronic device she has. If you let her back in while she is un-remorseful, you just might as well tell her that it''''s OK for her to have a boyfriend while married to you. I''''m going to give you a link to "If you love them, divorce them." http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid469167 Please read this. I think that you''''ll find some very useful information in there. But whatever you do, don''''t allow her to think for one instant that you are OK with being one of three.

edited to say, also don''t think that her seeing your pain will suddenly open the floodgates of remorse, cause her to GET the horrific thing that she''s done, and instantly commit, with floods of tears and beating of her chest, to make right her wrong. It really doesn''t work that way. Most of the time, the BWs pain inspires contempt and rage in the WSs mind because, well, it confirms to them deep down, that they are soul-sucking, amoral people and rather than face that fact head on, they will dump all of that rage onto your head. So don''t give her the chance.

[This message edited by Skan at 5:31 PM, June 3rd, 2013 (Monday)]


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Topic Posts: 8