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User Topic: Husband of 13 years left me with 4 children for another woman
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

I don't even know where to begin. Right now, it's the usual lump in my throat, feeling like vomiting, horrible pain in my heart feeling and I am hoping this site can help me a little.
I am 35 and my H is 39 and last spring, I got pregnant with our fourth child. Our other 3 are 13, 10, and 8 so this was a surprise. Summer was fine, we had a great vacation where we had a conversation about being past all the BS in our lives and best friends and all that. He said it was the best vacation ever. Our kids joined football and cheerleading in late summer into the fall and my husband sat at all the practices and games (I coached cheerleading, yes while pregnant). One of the other cheer coaches had 4 children also and knew me and would sit or hang out and talk. I trusted my husband to sit and talk with her and remember him saying after we sat together one night, how she is nice.
In December I noticed something odd in her looks, a couple of looks she gave him. There was a talent show and her and her family (including the father of 3 of her kids) sat right behind us and I remember being pissed cause everytime I looked at my H, he was staring back at them. I remember asking my husband in early December, "are you seeing someone?" "Do you still want to be married to me?" I sensed something was off but he said he was stressed about the baby coming. He started smoking pot and I dissapproved. At first he said, "I'll stop, I don't want to lose you" but then continued and more.
Sure enough, I went into labor on Xmas Eve and he acted almost pissed that I was ruining the holidays or something.
Anyway, I was so happy the day my son was born. He brought all the kids to the hospital Xmas day and gave me a diamond ring. The next day, I was alone in the hospital all day and was calling the house. He was rushing me off the phone, saying her four kids were there for a playdate. I called hours later and knew something wasn't right and sure enough, my son told me the mother was there the entire time. I cried for hours in the hospital. He ended up apologizing for it and to the kids for it being inappropriate because I was upset for like 2 weeks. All winter, he was completely distant. He was home since he works only spring to fall but his routine was, shower, take kids to school, go to the gym, come home around noon, eat lunch, take a nap and then he'd leave to get the kids an hour early to "get his spot".
We had sex twice in early February and that was it. We were mostly fighting. Mid March, he hit me with the "I love you but I'm not in love with you", bringing up every bad time, saying we're incompatible. It was the first deep convo we'd had and little did I know it was the last. I found out days later that he'd been withdrawing $ from my personal savings that we never touched..almost $7000. Despite this, and his decision to leave me, I still had some hope and was somewhat coping. But day before Easter he went "out" and didn't come home til 1pm the next day. Easter day, I was cooking and he bought the kids baskets. I saw the receipt the next day and saw flowers and a card on it. He told me they were for me but he decided not to give them to me. ??
He tortured me by still living in our home but staying out most nights. I would wake up with our newborn, still breastfeeding and be up with him and looking out to see if his car was there or not was complete agony. I begged him to tell me what was going on but he just said "we're not together!"
Mid April I caught him with this woman I suspected at the park, with all the kids. I was in total out-of-body shock. I drove past with our baby in the car and saw him there having a catch with her daughter. I walked up and the looks on their faces said it all. I said "what are you doing here with my family?" She actually said "I have nothing to do with your problems" and had a bit of an attitude. They acted like a couple and I was this outside evil person!
It's been about 2 months and he will not talk to me about anything to do with the affair, actually denies he even cheated because "we were separated". He moved out and on his 3rd visit with our kids, he had her and her kids there. I flipped out, asked him why he did that, told him he's hurting the kids and he says "I don't understand what the problem is" Is he really trying to say that it doesn't count since he broke up with me first? It's so frustrating, but I guess either way, it hurts just the same. I sent a couple of venting emails, one pretty nasty one and I'm done. I haven't reached out in about two weeks. He barely sees the kids, only spent 3 hours with our new baby in the past month and a half and he's only 5 months now.
I spend my minutes going from heartbroken, to extreme anger and rage, to almost acceptance at times, but then, back to missing him so much! I hate both of them so much. She was a FB friend who'd post stuff about "looking for someone to share her happiness with" for me to SEE while they were in their little romance, would like my pics, always having her daughter call to pick up my kids for playdates (even on the DD!), and she was AT my baby shower! She is sick and he doesn't even see it because he's blind. She is giving him attention. I am thinking it is a bit of MLC for him, but doesn't change anything. Doesn't excuse the behavior, but I swear, I feel like she isn't even with my husband, she is with some other guy. I'm also angry at the fact that I felt indifferent about him before this rejection, but now the intense emotions are amplified! He won't speak to any of his family, won't return calls.

[This message edited by Jewlz at 2:31 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Concerned  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

Jewlz

I am so so sorry for you. I am. What a terrible situation your selfish, self centered husband has put you and your precious family in.

If he's not showing the remorse YOU need then I think you need to take that as a sign. You can't force him to care. You can't wake him up from the fog.

Look up the 180. The 180 can help you gain some control of this surreal sucky situation.

I can feel your broken heart! I know that ache. We all do. I can't express how sorry I am you are going through this, but I can tell you, it will get better. It is so hard to find your happiness again, but you can. It's out there. You just don't know what it looks like yet.

Finding a good therapist is a strong step forward to healing. Sometimes, just the act of reaching out for help empowers you. You began that road when you posted here. You can't just "get over it". You gotta work through it. This is a very safe and compassionate place to be as you work through it all.

Your WH's decision to cheat has nothing to do with you. There is no excuse for infidelity. When I first decided to take back control of my own happiness after DDay, I used this mantra: Hold your head up, be strong, you did nothing wrong!

Writing here is very cathartic. Sometimes just typing your thoughts helps you process the mess. It can bring a little clarity to a completely unclear and unbelievable situation.

Plus, this place is just full of very kind and caring people that totally get it!
Please remember to take care of you. This kind of pain takes a wicked toll on the body and soul.

Try to focus on your kids and yourself. You all deserve much more than the bullsh*t your husband is dishing out.

See an attorney to know your rights. Knowledge is power. I would think paying child support on 4 kids won't be cheap.

Is OW married? If so, out her to her husband. She sounds like a smug, selfish witch.


Keep moving. We are rooting for you.

sending hugs and prayers.....


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

Thank you so much! I have been going to therapy and I think it has helped quite a bit so far but I feel so far from ok. Thank you for reassuring me that I will be! If enough people say it, I have to have hope. Unfortunately, no one seems to know her H enough to get in touch. In the meantime, I have so much anxiety even driving around town, nevermind running into her, which I know is bound to happen. And anyway, she changed her FB status to "single" the day before DD so not sure she was married. My heart sank just seeing THAT but I still didn't really believe it. I even sent him a text saying what a coincidence that was and he just acted like it was news to him. I also have a court date for child support and good thing because not only did he leave me all the bills after taking all that money that was supposed to be for his kids and spending it on himself or her or gambling or whatever, he hasn't given me a dime for anything. Not a diaper! How can he think it's ok to spend money on her flowers but not buy his own baby diapers? It hurts so much that he felt this woman he barely knows deserves flowers and his wife of 13 years doesn't? I spent Mother's Day missing him so badly by myself with our kids and new baby and I found out a week later (someone saw him) that on Mother's Day he was biking with her kids, smiling. I can barely enjoy my own kids, I can't even LOOK at another man and in agony and he is just fine...don't know if I can get through this. I read this on some website about unbearable pain and it's true...I don't want to die, but I don't want to live with this pain.

[This message edited by Jewlz at 2:25 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

(((((Jewlz)))))
Hi J,

I just want to tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this with FOUR kids!!!
I had to struggle with two! I can't imagine what it must be like. BUT! You found a great place and lots of people here will jump in and help.

If I may make one quick suggestion...

When you write, leave some space inbetween the thoughts so we can read it easier.

I will keep you and your kids in my prayer,

Hugs and peace to you,


Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

Jewlz

Look at my recent post on timeline of healing. It is not meant to make this worse only to prepare you for the rollercoaster of hell you have found yourself on.

Healing is a process and it takes time. Ugh, that ugly word time. You can't fast forward you have to go through. It sucks and I wish I had a magic wand to make it all go away.

Your husband is in the "fog" - he is living a lie and in a fantasy world. The bubble will pop at some point but right now he can justify his behavior because it suits him to do so. He is being a selfish ass. I would give him a bill that states until the court settles I need $___ per week to cover the needs of your four children.

Find her husband through FB or LinkedIn. He deserves to know and this will also bring focus to the affair. It could end it if she gets cold feet and doesn't want to give up her marriage. Plus she needs to deal with a bit of the ugliness she helped create.

You CAN and WILLget through this because you are the mother of four lovely children and we mothers pull our it together when we have to.

You are in shock and you are exhausted from life, from the A, from breastfeeding. It is completely understandable why you feel overwhelmed and defeated. Be kind to yourself and just take one step at a time.

I am hoping you have family near by that can support you.

We are all here and we care.

Sending loving thoughts and many prayers.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 2:35 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
meplusfour
Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I am also a mother of four who discovered this site with all of these wonderful caring people who are willing to share their hard earned knowledge and wisdom. Listen to what they have to say, it will help you as you move through this.

I am glad to see that you are seeking help through therapy. The well being of you and your children are what is most important right now. Focus on your children and your lovely five month old.

Be strong.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 399 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Ladyogilvy
Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

Wow! So many children and a baby and all this stress is more that anyone should have to handle alone. On the other hand, children are such a blessing when it comes to demanding your attention. Try to remember to be grateful for those little people. I'm sure it must feel like too much to handle but you are better than the people who have done this to you and you will handle it all, living in reality while they have their stupid, selfish, self destructive, fantasy. It sounds like you are doing everything right you can. No communication other than business related regarding financial support. So many men don't think about the financial repercussions of what they're doing and beg to come back when they figure it out. How romantic? Often, the women are done with them by then anyway. It is often said that we have to be willing to lose them to get them back. Whether you want him back or not... (Not the man he is now I know)... I hope you get everything you want and need. Just hang in there for now. It does take time.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 3:53 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1536 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

Huge hugs to you. I can't imagine going through this with a newborn! Do you have family close by who can help? It's great that you're getting therapy but I'd get to an attorney asap. You need to find out your child support rights now and serve your husband with divorce papers. Take control back!
As for her, it doesn't sound like she's married. I would think her kids would be telling their Dad they take bike rides with another Man. If she's divorced, it's very possible this isn't her first rodeo!

It's no coincidence the word "Men" starts with "ME".


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 275 | Registered: Mar 2013
NoMorDeceit
Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

I'm so sorry.

Do you have an attorney yet? You really need one,
especially since he took joint money and is clearly spending money on his affair partner. Spousal support and child support for 4 kids will help clear his foggy brain. "Missy 5 kids with 4+ baby daddies" is just looking for a meal ticket...time to make the "meal" a little smaller. Once again I'm so sorry, he is stunningly selfish and I would not be surprised if he comes crawling back after the "shine" wears off.

[This message edited by NoMorDeceit at 5:14 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 613 | Registered: Apr 2009
Athena1979
Member
Member # 39393
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

I'm so sorry for you and those kids. Your poor little boy won't get to really know his dad....maybe...that's a blessing. Teach that boy the right way to treat a woman!

Faith1 is right. Check out healing library. I've only been on here for a week. Healing library made a lot of sense to me.

People who cheat are depressed and attention seeking. It's always funny how a person can say everything's great one minute and the next minute, "woe is me! I've been so miserable!" excuses..excuses.

Get some child support out of that pathetic excuses man and be strong! You ARE a good person and a fantastic mother! Get some good family and friends around you. Let them nurture you through this.

Look up the 180 and the "fog" in healing library like other posters said. It will help you.


Married 11/11/11
Together since 3/2005
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
God keeps the devil on a short leash. God will never give you more than you can handle.

Posts: 111 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Athena1979
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Welcome Jewlz

Your H has obviously lost his mind, or has been snatched by aliens. Going through all of this with a newborn, wow. You are doing well it sounds like. You have taken the step forward to protect your kids, good for you.

Have you seen an Attorney about D. I would reccommend it, so that you know what you are dealing with. This OW sounds like a hot mess, and would not be surprised if she turns up preggers in the next little bit as well. That way she will be able to manipulate him into staying. Wether he recognizes what he is doing as wrong doesn't matter, and deep down he must, because otherwise he would not have broken all communication with his family off.

You need to read on the 180, this is for you, to help you find your strength. It may also be time to file for D. It sounds like he is so deep that it may not bring him around, but based on what you have told us, I would say that is the only thing that might.

You will get through this, and come out on the other side, stronger, and happier. You are an amazing woman, raising 4 awesome children.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
getting_stronger
Member
Member # 32858
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Reading this just breaks my heart for you. Please take care of yourself.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2011
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

((Jewlz)) ((your babies))

Your story has left me with my mouth hanging open.

I do hope you have great friends/family to support you on this journey.

Your H is a fool. I hope one day he will look back and realize what a colossal mess he made of his life.

Check back in with us.
LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2677 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

The replies here are so comforting, I am glad to have them to keep reading every once in a while.

I am planning to file for D right after the child support date, so week of June 16th, I'll go for my 3rd meeting with the attorney and get it done.

This woman is not IMO prettier or better. She must be a hot mess, because why else would you allow yourself to spend the day with a man who's wife is in the hospital having their baby! My mind wants to think he's stupid, he's in the Fog, he's a narcissist, he's not thinking and that she is a psycho but then I can't help to start thinking maybe he really just didn't love me anymore and they are meant to be. Can this be possible?

I know it has to be his need for attention, especially with the baby coming, he knew he wasn't getting it from me. I guess I AM still in shock. I thought I was past it but I am not. I can barely get out of bed in the morning feeling so overwhelmed with anxiety. I come home from work every day and cry practically pace with the baby and feel bored since I don't enjoy ANYthing anymore. Feel so lost.

He called last night and I let my younger son answer and he canceled his visit and said he'd come tonight instead. He just does whatever he wants and is living his life happily and honestly thinks I should just move on and be able to be happy. I hate him. How is the 180 supposed to work for me if he has moved on and has no desire to speak to me or R or anything. He acts like nothing bothers him and is happier when I leave him alone. How in the world is that helping me? Will the 180 help either way?


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

The 180 is for you to detach. Some people think it is to try and 'get him(her) back' - but it isn't. It is for you and you alone.

Some advice about visitation, set YOUR schedule, don't let him change it willy-nilly. Maybe you have plans with the kids tonight. Maybe you have plans all week with the kids except on his regularly scheduled time.

Be firm. Stand up for you and your kids.


Posts: 857 | Registered: Sep 2010
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

180 is for you, so that you don't allow him to hurt you any more than he has already. To give you strength in yourself.

Sounds like he has zero consequences for what he is doing. Time to put your foot down, set a schedule for the kids and do NOT let him change it for anything other than him being in the hospital. He needs to be responsible.

When the kids are gone, you need to take care of you, focus on yourself. Do nice things for yourself, read a book, take a nap, get a pedi. Whatever, but do it for you, and noone else.

(((((Jewlz)))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

You have a newborn AND you're working? Is anyone helping you? Have you looked into IC & Meds for sleep and anxiety? Or just go to your doctor and tell them what's going and ask for something. In your situation you need to be as healthy as possible and you need as much support as possible. HUGE hugs to you. If I'm ever in NJ and see a man riding a bike with a woman and four kids I might run him over!
And nail your WH's ass to the wall with your lawyer. It's going to be hard but try and get to angry, put your bitch boots on, and go for the jugular. I believe NJ allows Fault Divorces if adultery has occurred: http://www.divorcenet.com/states/new_jersey/new_jersey_irrec_diff_grounds


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 275 | Registered: Mar 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

Jewlz

1) OW is NOT better than you. She is different from you. Different bc she is morally broken and is not trying to raise 4 children alone. Your husband is living in fantasy land.

2) No it wasn't meant to be. They created an environment that allows them to believe each others lies. True love is not lust. True love is commitment and hard work. Not fun and willy nilly. They are being selfish, immature, self serving low lifes. The bubble will burst at some point. How can two people that found their way to one another through lies and deceit have any foundation that is strong enough to survive the hard stuff?

The 180 is about YOU getting YOU stronger. If he is stupid enough to risk his marriage and his family and not look back - it speaks volumes on his lack of integrity and moral fiber.

When a spouse chooses to cheat it is not about what they weren't getting...it is about what they weren't GIVING. Most likely he was overwhelmed with life so he sought fantasy escape. COWARD. It has nothing to do with what she looks like, does for a living or anything. It was just an escape and now he is in the la la land fog.

I know you are hurting and I am so so sorry. It makes my heart ache for you and your kids.

Channel your mother lion and FIGHT for your rights to protect and get the most for your kids. You can't control him but you can control how you respond to his disgusting choices.

Please see and IC as you will need help navigating these choppy waters.

He has taken so much from you. Please don't let him take anymore from you. Don't beat yourself up over HER. She is irrelevant. You and your children are relevant.

There is a post someplace about the WS always dumbing down - and it is true. They want to feel better about themselves. Ego stroke.

PM me anytime. I am worried about you and care.

Sending hugs.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 10:58 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

I'm pretty sure NJ is no fault but I can use adultery as grounds for D. Thank you, I hope I don't run him over myself.

I am VERY angry. I try to put myself in the shoes of a woman who did this to another woman and I would be so scared for the wrath but she seems smug and happy, spending time with my kids so soon, cooking for them...so disrespectful to me and my children that I am getting lightheaded just thinking about it.

I am taking Xanax but really try to limit myself. The anxiety is so bad that I feel it wearing off and tremble with anger.

My mom is the only physical help I have other than emotional help from one good friend and some from others and here. But she gets the kids from school, helps with homework, dishes, the dog. Wouldn't be coping without her, I'd be in a hospital somewhere, I know it.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
still2suspicious
Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

Jewlz,

As hard as it is to believe right now, he did you a HUGE favor!! He left, you didn't have to kick his ass to the curb, although that might have been fun , at this point he is not trying to keep you on the side, and you get to start to healing right away (although it won't feel like that for a while).

PUT YOUR BITCH BOOTS ON sweetie! And lace them tight!!

When you talk to the L, ask for a stipulation that he CANNOT bring any bitchfaces around your babies, at least until the D is final.

As hard as it is TRY not to let OW stay in your head. You are too valuable, she is a nothing POS. OP, like our WS's, are broken. She has to put on an act, otherwise WH would dump her.

It's YOU and your babies time. YOU will be the anchor in their lives. YOU will be the one who teaches them respect, for themselves and others. YOU will be the one they will come to their whole lives for advice and comfort. Your older ones will get it pretty quick. YOU will be the one to answer their questions honestly.

IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU!! And you will come shining thru.

We are here to help, hold your hand, and give hugs all day long, for as long as you need us to.

Post away, PM any of us, that's what we do.

Sending hugs and strength.

Don't be surprised if he tries to come back soon. A lot of them do. Again, it would be up to YOU.


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1342 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

Check with your attorney but in some cases you can prevent the OW from being around your children. I would go that route for now anyway. That is the least he can do.

Have him spend time with them at your house and YOU leave for the day/night.

It would drive me crazy to have my kids spend anytime with OW. My DD would make her life hell too so I don't think that would ever have happened but thinking about it makes me want to punch your husband in the face. Jerk.

She is morally broken. You are trying to put yourself in her shoes because you are logically trying to make sense of this. Logic isn't applicable to her. She is ego based, selfish and will do anything to justify her horrid behavior. You will NEVER understand her. You and she are not cut from the same fabric. She is a liar and morally corrupt. Apples to oranges.

You are still in shock. And you will vacilate with your emotions for some time. Just try to focus on today. Get through today and go from there.

I am sorry that he is being so insensitive and hurtful. It stinks.

But you do matter. And your kids need you more than anything.

Deep breaths. Keep moving.

(((hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

(((( Jewlz))) I am so sorry you are going through this!

Please know that you will get through this, You will! You are stronger than you think.
One year from now - I know it seems like a long time, but it will go quick, you will be in a different place mentally.

You can't change him, the only thing you can control is you and how you deal with all of this. You have already taken positive steps, child support, going to file for D.

Once all of that starts to hit him, he won't look or feel as happy as you think he is right now. Remember that relationship was based on a lie!

I believe that there is a special place in hell and in KARMA LAND, for those that cheat while their wife is pregnant and in your case, have the OW in YOUR HOME, the day after you deliver!

Just hang in there, you'll make it! NO CONTACT with him as much is possible, is the only way to start to detach from him and the situation.

Set schedules for him to have the kids, so you can have some ME time, so you can do nothing or cry without your kids around, or simply go for a nice walk with a friend! This is really important - YOU WILL NEED THIS FOR YOUR SOUL!

Thinking of you...


I edit - because I hate misspellings or grammar mistakes.

Separated/divorcing

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~


Posts: 541 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Oh sweet Lord,
Your Wh is in physco land along with a Hot mess of a woman.

Sweetpea, you are so much better than that so called woman and mother. She has 4 kids and she brings a strange man she doesn't know into their lives. Ummm, pretty sick. Also, your kids know what is going on, he took them around this OW and her kids. And those kids most likely talk abotu mom to the other kids or dad.

You wh is brainwashed right now. I am sorry you are having this on your shoulders. He is a sick tard right now and so is the OW. She can be smug, Caddy, and all that. She has not honor in womanhood or motherhood, she has not morals. Be blessed not to be her when the Karma bus comes and it will.

Focus on you like we all say. You will find your strength and it will get stronger and stronger as time passes. He will wish he never left your side because he is gonna get his own Karma as well. He is not a man right now he is a child in a grown mans body. He stole from you and the kids what type of man does that? I will tell you, a man in lala unicorn and fairydust land.

Also, one thing I thought of, I wonder if OW condones his pot smoking and is part of that.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2890 | Registered: Aug 2011
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Faithful w/Love,

Thank you! Yes, I have thought of this too. I believe she probably does "smoke" with him and this is their little thing they have in common, how sweet. I know she smokes cigarettes and drinks so yep, pretty sure. And he started to smell like it constantly so what woman who didn't would go for that?

Yes, on May 5, he didn't bring my kids back until 10:15pm on a school night and then a week later when I found out she was there with her kids, the kids said she was still there when they left. So, yeah, I guess a cool pot-smoking Cinco de Mayo party was so much fun while I'm home breastfeeding and had to keep my kids home sick the next day because the two of them didn't feel well and were so tired.

Did I mention I also caught him shooting himself with human growth hormone out in our shed before all this on my way to work one morning. Hid that too. Obsessed with body fat and his body. He's always had muscles but it's pretty obsessive now. He would come home from the gym while I was home with baby and brag how he just ran 6 miles. Great, thanks for not changing or buying one diaper in 3 months Mr. Gym.

She is all those things you said, but he doesn't have morals either so he really doesn't care. Not sure he was raised with any. I'm not sure he knows the definition actually, not even kidding...he really is a child! You're right.

Now that I'm going, during this winter too while the baby was only weeks old, I had mastitis so I was so flu-like, woke up in the middle of the night and almost passed out in the kitchen trying to get tylenol. I called him to help me and he walked right by me on the kitchen floor and went to the baby (he was complaining, not full crying). I was like "he's fine, I need help" He walked me back to bed and left. I thought he'd get me the tylenol but he went back downstairs to bed! (He slept on the couch, had been for years). The next day, you think he could stay home from the gym ONE day to help me? I could barely stand up from fever. Selfish!

When he told me he was leaving me, it was "I can't do this anymore" "too much has been said" and acted like it was all the fighting and the way I was acting. I'm just so frustrated because I know and we all know here that it was all a way to justify his A but I think he's the only one that doesn't get it. I still feel like he believes I pushed him to do it..or at least is what he wants me to think and his family to think.

Ok, good venting.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Mom of four here too.
You are doing great. Trust this, if he's that whacko now, you will be in a much better place letting them both spend their time looking over their shoulders for however long the "glow" lasts. It wont be long.

Reading your notes, i know you will be great, and very happy once ass hat and shmoopie get their wish.

Let your attorney speak for you, you have enough on your plate. And, take no prisoners, why should you and the children ever go without.

He'll be back at your door begging soon, think long and hard if he's really worth ever taking back. I'm thinking not. But, only you can make that choice. For now, continue on your path, but you set the rules.

Yes, i think I might happily give him to her. And watch the show.

[This message edited by fourever at 2:01 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 907 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

HAHA, Scumbag just called me and was all pissed off. Saying how it's been so busy and can he have another day to get his stuff. Saying he wants to take the computer and I was like well, my pictures are on there and he says I should have put the pics on cds, then says he would do it, then says he'll just wipe it out...and I'm like well which is it, you said your are going to save them, then you said you are going to wipe them out, and he didn't know what to say. I said, "just buy yourself a computer" and he says "yeah, I can barely afford to eat right now" and I'm like "that's not my problem".

He said about getting his clothes out of the dresser and I'm like "all your clothes are out on the front porch" lol Didn't mention I poured tobacco spit all over them. Tabacco spit HE left so he shouldn't have left it.

I asked if he was getting Mason (5 month old) and he said I ruined his playdate because now he has to get his stuff and can't fit everything, blah blah blah.

He asked me "are you working?" I chuckled and was like "yeah, for over a month now" Is he fucking insane??? Why would I still be home on maternity leave? He has no concept of time and space in his fucked up brain. Really. He doesn't sound happy or calm anymore at all!! I love it. About getting his stuff and his playdate and it being ruined or whatever I said "I'm more important right now". I reminded him that on June 17th, the judge will set a schedule and no more of this whenever he wants. He said "thank you". I said "are you saying thank you to me?" he says "yeah, thanks for reminding me, I know the judge is going to come down with his hammer ..."

He can't afford to eat??? What the fuck did he spend all that money this winter for then and why is he eating tacos with her kids over! Loser asshole!

Sorry for the swearing and all and I know my revengy stuff is childish but I feel like it is so insignificant in comparison to the devastation he has caused me by sleeping with this whorebag! "She's not a whore" UGGGHHHH!!!!!

[This message edited by Jewlz at 2:25 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

I'm always angry when I read stories like this. It's unbelievable how cruel the people who are supposed to love us can be.

Read BS FAQs #11 in the healing library. Detach from him. Don't remind him of meetings. He's fired you from being his wife, social secretary, records keeper and so on.

Document everything. The fact tht he went to the gym while you had to take care of the baby while suffering from mastitis. Every time he brings the kids home late, if he smells like pot when he brings them home, the money that's gone...everything.

You're not alone. In fact, I remember another poster whose d-day was the day her baby was born. She has moved on and is happier now.
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/profiles.asp?UserID=14643&Show=1


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11343 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
whensitover
Member
Member # 31207
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Just read your thread today, so sorry for what you are going through but I almost STOOD UP and CHEERED when I read your last post!!! THAT is the attitude you need to have with this loser!!! Don't give him ANYTHING!! If he comes to you wanting 'this or that' tell him HELL NO!!! Everything he asked me for...I would flat out tell him "Get your Whore to get it for you!! She is so good at meeting your needs!!" I am not sure how NJ laws are, but unless I was forced to, I wouldn't let him see the kids! It is just got to be so confusing for them and that is just not good for them!! This person is an idiot and I hope the judge NAILS him to the WALL!!!!

Posts: 452 | Registered: Feb 2011
still2suspicious
Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Jewlz,

Those bitch boots are fittin' you just fine!!
Keep 'em on, honey.

You're doing great!

If he's shooting himself up you definitely need to let your L know. That could be a HUGE sticking point.


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1342 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
notsosureanymore
Member
Member # 18051
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

(((Jewlz))), I am no where close to be the person to give you the insight that you have already gotten from these fine people here already.

What a great transformation within your own post you have made. You are right in line for yourself and your kids now and that is so strong and powerful!.

Four kids wow! that is what i thought I wanted at one time. My wife got sniped after our 3rd son. She said she want more freedom and that we couldn't afford any more kids. That her body couldn't take it, ect ect. yeah well after her affair I remembered how she said she "wanted more freedom" then at the time. Her affair partner was is at the bottom of the gene pool, unanimously humanity would favor sterilization for this one.

I was there from beginning to end I loved taking care of my wife while she wa preggers, those times were the simple joys that will always be so special to me. Not so special that i want to run of there and go do it all over again but if so yeah. Its too bad a husband cant see when he should be there for his wife. "sometimes a man gets carried away when he feel like he should be (jeff Buckley)" >not tyring to get off topic but its what i have playing now.
I can relate from both points of view because she told me so like your are saying so now. But I see now how i was crapped on also over the yrs and yeah currently aswell..

Yes your husbands world is crashing down around himself now. You stick to your guns. jewel -definition a precious stone, exactly. Be that.

Sorry to welcome you to SI, but at least your here on top, on the good side of something so ugly. (((Jewlz)))


Posts: 221 | Registered: Feb 2008
GingerAle
Member
Member # 33822
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

What a great transformation within your own post you have made. You are right in line for yourself and your kids now and that is so strong and powerful!.


So true! And it sounds like things are starting to unravel for him... too bad. If he can barely afford to eat now, wait until the support order hits! He can just starve. He hasn't had one moment of concern for how his wife and children are going to eat. And things are only going to get worse for him.

When he has the kids, make sure he knows you have plans when he picks them up or comes over to spend time with them. Even if your "plan" is just to go visit your mom, you have plans. It would be so good for you to get some alone time though, having a coffee, getting a pedi, window shopping, whatever you enjoy. But never tell him what your plans are. Your personal life is none of his business anymore. This is part of the 180 and detaching. If he is in the fog, your detachment and disinterest in him may help snap him out of it. But regardless, it is for YOU, and it works

We know that people who cheat are broken and these two are certainly no exception. I was thinking as I read this post, "what kind of woman (a mother, no less) would want to be with a man who would abandon his wife and kids?" And especially his kids, (because we know she will justify him leaving you however she wants), but his children?!! That is pathetic.

Jewlz, I am so sorry for your pain, and your children's. You are going to get through this though. You are going to survive and thrive.

((((Jewlz & children))))

[This message edited by GingerAle at 10:06 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]


My WH (The KISA, NPD) 6 month EA in 2010
2 other EAs in 2012 & 2013
Filed for D 7/2014


Posts: 428 | Registered: Nov 2011
weeping willow
Member
Member # 22800
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

"yeah, I can barely afford to eat right now"

Seriously, that selfish, npd, fucktard is whining about barely being able to feed himself? And he could care less if you can or cannot afford to feed his children? I'm so angry at this that I'm seeing red.

Didn't mention I poured tobacco spit all over them. Tabacco spit HE left so he shouldn't have left it.


You've gotten a lot of good advice here, Jewlz. Keep reading in the Healing Library and definitely apply the 180. Discuss nothing with him other than the children. Don't give him any personal information. Don't tell him where you go or who you see.

I'm happy to see you have an attorney. He needs to start paying child support and spousal support.

Take care of yourself, so you can take care of those precious children that you are so blessed to have.

((((((((Jewlz))))))))


BW - me FWH - him
D Day - July 26, 2007
Married 36 years


Posts: 1793 | Registered: Feb 2009
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, June 7th (Friday)

Jewlz honey, thos Bitch Boots look absolutely amazing on you!!!!

Keep up the good work, and hey it's ok to be snarky, pissed, and healthy to find some humor in it all.

I am Very Impressed with you. You are one amazing woman. 4 kids, a job, and time to dump all the trash in your life.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
dovetool
Member
Member # 37072
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, June 7th (Friday)

Hi Jewlz,

I have a very similar story to you. Accept not with four kids, just two. You are so strong!

I saw that a bunch of people have mentioned the 180 to you. It worked for me and we have similar stories, if you still want to even try. I tried the 180 on purpose though and I couldnt do it. It wasn't till I really stopped giving a damn that it worked like magic. The OW lives in my town too, our boys were best friends.

I sent you a Private Message as well if you want to talk.

I pray for you and your family and hope to God, whatever comes of this makes you stronger and happier in the long run.


Me BS: 29
Him WH: 35
OW: 40 was a "friend". Our sons were best friends.
Married 11 years
D-day: 12/05/12
D-day: of who it really was 08/2012
R: started in 03/2012
True recover September... rough at first for me since I wasnt sure about

Posts: 68 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: dovetool
callmecrazy
Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, June 7th (Friday)

You need to get into court and get a custody and support arrangement going. He doesnt want to be in the family, fine, start being responsible as a "separated" ass.
Also, not sure what laws are where you are, but all the money he spend on his gf while married to you, is not ok and you should be getting that back.
180 and let the L do the talking for a while. Who does this guy think he is? SO sorry you are having all of this happen.

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, June 7th (Friday)

He has moved out and he came into the house today with no one home and took anything he wanted. OMG, I am sooo mad. I am NOT going to text or say ANYthing. Just will have to change the locks! OMG I hate him! What does he want with decorative plates that were on our hutch that our neighbor gave us. I didn't like them anyway but what does he want them for? Idiot.

And he left his clothes and stuff I poured chewing tobacco on outside. Guess I'll have to lug that stuff to the curb myself.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, June 7th (Friday)

Jewlz

He is trying to get a reaction out of you. He's acting out and hoping you respond.

He is being the baby he's acted like through out the mess he created.

What an ass. Only confirms what you already know. He is not worth your time.

Let her have his dumbass. They deserve each other. Just be sure to take 60% of his paycheck.

So sorry the saga keeps getting worse for you.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, June 7th (Friday)

Document! Document! Document every think he took.

Get the locks changed tonight.


Posts: 857 | Registered: Sep 2010
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, June 7th (Friday)

CRAP, I am so weak, I texted! Now I hate myself. I texted "Did she like those plates when she was eating pizza in my dining room, lol" because the day she was there when I was in the hospital with our new baby, they ordered pizza together! OMG, I'm so sick to my stomach!


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, June 7th (Friday)

Jewlz,

You are doing great, so you sent him a text, now go NC, NC, NC. He is playing a game, don't engage. IMO his relationship with this OW is going to blow up.

Get your ducks in a row. Speak with him about finances and children only.

Keep those bitch boots on, you are doing extremely well. We all understand your pain, but from my own experience and that of many on this board, the best way to win at HIS GAME is to stay NC. Very difficult, but do your best.

Hugs.



Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, June 7th (Friday)

Hang in there sweetie. It is hard very hard to do the NC thing.
You need to just go dark now. Put his shit in a trashcan at the curb.
Change the locks Immediately. You don't want him showing up in the middle of the night...
Document everything. Get yourself a legal pad, a notebook etc, and write it all down. Also create documents in the computer to keep up on the costs that he is going to have to pay back. Any funds spent on OW. Money you need to care for the kids, camps, dr's, clothes, food etc. Keep track of it all. 4 kids are expensive, you should not bear that burden alone. Change the focus from what he did to how you are not going to let him do it again.

((((and strength )))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, June 7th (Friday)

Thanks! I must made an appointment with a locksmith for Monday. It is unbelievable that he spent my personal savings on her. I let her know that day at the park...I don't know what made me say that particular thing because I was so out of it, but glad I did.

I told her "did you know he took almost $10,000 from me this winter?" and she just shook her head and said no. I hope she feels great knowing anything he bought her was my money. I realize we were married but this was savings in my name that he was not telling me he was taking. Even after he said he was leaving and before I looked at my bank record, I had the decency to let him know I would be spending some money on clothes before going back to work! HAHA, can you believe that? I wonder what he was thinking? 'Yeah, go ahead, I already took thousands, whatever'.

Thanks everyone!!!


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, June 7th (Friday)

Make sure to document all that money he took too. He spent MARITAL funds on his AP.

Its important to remember to document things, we often tend to forget the little things that happen but think we'll remember. Write everything down.

Monday seems like a long way away to get your locks changed. Do you know anyone handy that could do it for you if you stopped by the hardware store and picked up your own locks/door knobs?


Posts: 857 | Registered: Sep 2010
FieldsOfLavender
Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, June 7th (Friday)

I spend my minutes going from heartbroken, to extreme anger and rage, to almost acceptance at times, but then, back to missing him so much!

This is what I have felt. I'm one year out from dday. My STBX also said that we were incompatible. His attitude was also, "What's the big deal? I need friends. I told you I was going to make new friends." This is so FAR from reality. He says I am irrational. It's enough to make me wonder if I am the one who has lost touch with reality because he says it with such indifference.


Posts: 200 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
FieldsOfLavender
Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, June 7th (Friday)

"I can't do this anymore" "too much has been said" and acted like it was all the fighting and the way I was acting

You know, my stbx told me this, too!! He said that my reaction was so strong, that he felt pushed more away from and and more toward the OW whore.


Posts: 200 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
Broken1Again
Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, June 7th (Friday)

I'm to late! I was reading all the posts and as soon as he asked you if you were working again I knew... Knew he was plotting to break into the house. Did he take the computer? I hope not... Especially if you have photos of the kids on there!!

Don't worry about texting him, all of us at some point have done that and wished we hadn't. It happens. What I would recommend to you now though is not to talk to him anymore. He manipulated you into getting info about your whereabouts, you can no longer trust that he won't record conversations and try to make you say things for his own purposes.

He is not the man you remember. Protect yourself, your money, your sanity. Make sure from this day forward he needs to give you $ for his kids (because if he's not you can be damned sure her kids are getting it!! Don't let that happen!) also make sure you tell him when he will have the kids and if he doesn't get them then then he doesn't get them! PERIOD. You are the only rational, mature person in this and you need to lay down the law.


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 883 | Registered: May 2011
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Jewlz,
Stay strong! Something popped into my head as I re-read this thread. So far you've mentioned your husband was injecting human growth hormone, smoking pot, and drinking. Now he went into your home and took random things. He says he's broke. He stole money from your account for the OW - do you know *what* he got the other woman? What I'm getting at is, is it possible he and this woman are using heavier drugs - expensive drugs?
If you think there is even a remote possibility of this you need to tell the Lawyer and have them do a drug test on your husband. I actually think the pot smoking should be enough. He should not have access to your children if he's doing drugs.

Hugs to you...


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 275 | Registered: Mar 2013
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Jewlz,
It's not too late to report the break in to the police. Perhaps they will stop by and visit the lovely couple just as they are snorting a line.
Sorry! One can only hope.

All not funny joking aside, I do hope you are documenting everything. Get your bank statements, credit cards, any work info on him and give to your attorney ASAP. Protect yourself and your kids.
NO CONTACT!!


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 907 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

How are you doing Jewlz? Hang in there.

(((hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Hi,

I spoke to his mom finally..at first she didn't want to hear anything but she came around (maybe since she wasn't hearing from him) and I let her know what's going on. She told me the next day she left him a message that she knew he wouldn't pick up or call back because he is the master of avoidance, asked if he replaced his family for a new one and told him she's disappointed in him because he is not acting like a father and has no interest in ever meeting this woman. I spoke to his sister last night and we talked for over two hours. She also said she loves me and is disappointed and said she is sorry this happened.

I sat in a room full of people yesterday for a woman retiring and just looked around at everyone talking and laughing. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin, so anxious. I left and walked and cried. I picture him in the crowd of people wherever I am, imagine if he was there, and then think about what he did and how he's no longer the man I knew and was married to and it's so hard to accept. This week has been a bad denial week. My brain won't allow the acceptance, it's too painful.

I've read the timeline, I'm talking to people who tell me it will take time and it's normal, I'm seeing an IC, taking Xanax, but it is just so hard.

He called my daughter to tell her he's picking them up today (still doesn't let me know first). Told her his phone was waterlogged. That was the excuse for not calling or visiting THIS weekend. Last weekend it was something about being sick. He hasn't seen them (for a "playdate" is what he calls it) since May 25. Now today, I paid $200 for my sons tux and prom which is tonight and now have to deal with the anxiety of him coming, I don't know if he wants to take the baby or not, I don't even get home until almost 6. Going to save my Xanax for around 3pm so that it is nice and kicked in by 6!

I want to write him and tell him off so bad. There are so many things I am so mad about right now. I want to tell him that I don't want his filthy hands that touched that dirty whore to touch my children, I wished he weren't their father, he is the worst father in the world. I want tell him that I will laugh at him for years thinking that any lack of sex was because he's more sexual! "we don't need to get into who's more sexual"!!! It eats at me to no end that he thinks I am not sexual! That's why he left me? If he didn't know how to make our sex life better and only acted like a needy 4th child, that has nothing to do with my sexuality. His idea of turning me on was walking me into the bedroom and locking the door, period. Wow. Thanks!

I type stuff up and it gets angrier and angrier and then I just save it as draft. Our child support hearing is Monday so I'm going to wait it out and let the court handle him. I'm at work and cannot concentrate, very unproductive...I hope I don't lose my job at this point!!


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Deep breaths.

You can do this. I know what you mean about being unproductive at work. I was like that for almost a year.

I did my job but not with any enthusiasm or energy. I simply did what I had to do.

Please define the boundaries with his visitation. He can't just come and go as he pleases in their life or yours. Set dates (if he fails to keep them then document it for future use) but he can't just waltz in and out.

Do you really want him to take the baby at this point? Is he capable of being responsible? And your mind will go to is the OW holding my baby, caring for it, etc. That will be hard for you.

Enjoy your son's night. Know that you are a great mother and that they will see their father for who he is. They know who takes care of them.

DO NOT blame yourself in anyway for the A. It wasn't about sex. It was about his inability to communicate productively with you and address what was going on in his mind/heart. He chose to cheat because the bubble of the fanatasy land they've created. Reality will set in soon enough.

You have every right to be angry.

I am glad his family is supporting you.

Good luck. Stay strong and know we all care and are rooting for you.

(((hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Jewlz it's ok to be pissed off. It's normal to be a sobbing wreck, and for it to hit at the most inoportune times.

I bet you can't wait until the hearing, so you have some back up and end this crazymaking BS of him doing what he wants with regard to the kids. It's sad to think his role as a father is only as a 'playdate'. I'd be sure to mention that to the judge at the hearing next week.

Keep on posting, keep on venting.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Jewlz,

Mom of 4 here, we should form a club or something.

My X left 10 years ago and hasn't looked back. My kids were 12,12,(twins) 10 and 8 at the time.

He moved in with OW and her 2 kids, filed for divorce from me. Got engaged, Got divorced and married OW all in about 6 months. My kids are now 22, 22, 20, 18 and I have a 1yo granddaughter

Today his friends tell me she has snipped, clipped him and has him on a very short leash. Think about it.. they can never truly trust each other, afterall they had affairs with each other while they both were married. Marriage means nothing to them.

He is not allowed to talk to me-hasn't been ALLOWED for 10 years. I do not talk to him... unless a kid has an emergency. WE just attended one DD's college graduation.. did not speak. Also attended youngest's HS graduation... did not speak. He did not speak to his parents either. OW/NW is mad at them becaue they refused to be controlled by her.

He wasn't allowed to see his DD or newborn granddaughter when they were in the hospital-she forbade him from seeing them.

My XH is suffering from Cranialrectal Inversion-His head is firmly stuck up his arse and has been for at least 12 years.

He has become a stranger to you with access to your physical space, finances, children, etc. Do everything you can to Protect them all. Call the banks, investment companies, etc. move everything into your name only. or take your half and do that. Ask your lawyer which is the best way to handle the finances.

Keep coming here... it is the best place for discovering what to expect (unfortunately) and how others have dealt with the crazy spouse.

Good luck, and Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5746 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

Oh god, 10 steps back again last night! He came to pick up the kids and I was in the middle of taking pictures and getting my oldest off to his 8th grade prom. Just looking at him made me want to kill him. I get so angry thinking of him with her. He took the baby too. After I dropped off my son at his prom I went home and sobbed on the floor, then drank some gin, then colored my hair and took a shower. I didn't know what to do in the whole 2 hours of free time in almost 2 1/2 weeks.

When he returned he said I didn't put any diapers in the bag so he needs to be changed. (He wasn't even that wet). I said "buy a diaper". And I had to tell him what size. I asked what was going on for Father's Day and he started making the excuse that the kids want to do a fire (he roasts marshmallows in some firepit in his new place) but he can't do it with the baby. I said why not? He said the smoke, and I said "we have 4 kids, you have 4 kids...there is a lot I can't do with the kids because of the baby too" and he says "well you said you didn't need me" referring to one of our fights this winter while he was emotionally with her and I didn't know yet where I told him "we don't need you, just go". This is the fight and the line he uses to say I kicked him out and tries to make me think it was my fault. So anyway, as he walked out I said "what I said has NOTHING to do with what happened..NOTHING"

I felt kind of good that I stood up for myself, but then the kids told me that night that she had been there AGAIN a previous time on May 26 when they slept over and that her kids told my son that they already slept over there a few times!

So I was hit in the face with reality again. I keep still hoping they must not have time to spend together with her 4 kids around, they must not be that serious but I hear this stuff and feel like a truck hits me everytime!

Just got into work and ran into his cousins wife (she works here) who he works for and she says he leaves everyday at 5. His excuses for weeks have been that he's working late and can't come and works been so busy. It's all bullshit.

He's putting this romance and her kids before my own. My poor 8 yr old son says "I'm gonna ask dad why her kids get to sleep over more than us."

The hardest part is, I see him and I am still so attracted to him, I could just die thinking that he's in bed with her all the time! This is complete torture!!!!


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

I also keep thinking that everyone says their relationship is based on lies, but I'm the only one that was lied to. They seem to have been honest with each other from the start. He put her first and me second, lying to me. He never told her he was going to leave his wife and then didn't. He actually DID.

I feel like their relationship may work out and it just kills me! I wonder sometimes if I'm the one being punished for something and he deserves happiness.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
s+++forbrains
Member
Member # 18128
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

I was the oldest of four children whose father left our mom to raise us on her own. For the sake of your children, get the best lawyer you can to protect them financially, as well as emotionally.

I agree with the earlier posts about taking care of yourself too. You are the only "true" parent those four children have and you need to be okay to take care of them.

Bless your Mom!! She loves you as much as you love your children. Accept her assistance with graciousness and a hug!!

If you need a night to go out with friends, do so!! We were 2-12 when our Dad left and we were all healthier when Mom was able to do things for herself. NO GUILT!!!

One thing I do give Mom credit for is that she was very, very careful in her future relationships with other men. We won the step-dad lottery. He didn't come into our lives until several years later, but he was truly worth the wait for all of us. BE CAREFUL in your relationships when you are ready to step forward. This is something I think an IC can help with, they can help you to not seek out the same type of man the second time.

Hugs to you!!!


Posts: 178 | Registered: Feb 2008
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Jewlz

I wonder sometimes if I'm the one being punished for something and he deserves happiness

You are not being punished. You were the unlucky recipient of the aftermath of your husband's selfish and horrid behavior. You got dealt a really bad hand. But you aren't the dealer and you did not cause this. Don't do that to yourself. PLEASE.

Even if they stay together their relationship IS based on lies. You have two morally bankrupt people that will continue to feed each other BS. Karma is a bitch. So let the fools have each other.

You are mourning the loss or the marriage you thought you had. You are mourning the loss of the man you married. All completely understandable. You are grieving. Let yourself grieve.

Don't beat yourself up over the not needing him comment. He is using it to justify his behavior. Manipulation 101.

Please see an attorney and get a custody schedule ASAP. Do not let him pick his play date times. He needs to respect you and your children more than that.

I am sorry you had a rough night. Keep you head up and let us know how you are doing.

We are here and we care.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 12:59 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

So he was supposed to take the kids at noon....no show, no call until 2:45! The poor kids were waiting and getting upset. He finally came around 3 and all I can imagine is that her and her kids must have slept over by him and cooked him fathers day breakfast maybe or maybe her x took her kids and they had the day together. Hurts so bad but I do not want to get any details from the kids when they get home because our child support is tomorrow at 8:30 in the morning and I don't need any news that will set me off.

I can barely drag myself out of bed as it is and I am soooo nervous about tomorrow. I can't stand seeing him knowing he doesn't want me and has moved on with this new woman! I am so nervous about tomorrow!

Also, he didn't take the baby and my 13 year old didn't want to go.

I know he is the biggest toolbag disgusting awful man but I still long for him. I still want him to come home and say "I'm so sorry, I want to come home, I've been so stupid".

I did force myself to meet a guy out for a drink after work on Friday. He was very nice, good looking, understanding, smart, (an elementary school principal) and he texted me last night that he thought about my eyes and smile as he watched the sun set! I know. But I believe him and it helps get my mind off things just slightly.

Depression is still in full gear though, just sat in the house all weekend and nothing makes me happy. Can't get comfortable, can't bring myself to clean, cook and barely want to get out of bed. Just want to fast forward through this nightmare!


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
nolight
Member
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

What a fucking selfish, worthless, prick. You will get through this Jewlz, it may seem impossible but you will. You're very young and life has so much more to offer you then to be stuck with someone like him.

My father acted in a similar way and my sister and I have no relationship with him now, your children will remember his behaviour as they grow up


Did she make you cry, make you breakdown and shatter your illusion of love? And is it over now and do you know how to pick up the pieces and go home? - Fleetwood Mac

Posts: 532 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

Newly honey. Be easy in yourself. Take a nice long shower and try to relax.

He is p obviously the worlds biggest Dbag. Make sure you ask tomorrow in front of the judge what your obligations are for him and watching/keeping his own kids. I'm sorry but had it been me when he showed up no one would have been home. F him. His kids are already figuring things out. Kids thrive on routine and he is throwing that out the window. Soon they won't want to go, they won't believe when he says he s coming, and they will support you.

When this shitstorm that he created hits him, you are going to be able to sit back and know that you and those kids are gonna be just fine.

Final word of caution. Don't date, don't look for a guy tell your friends you aren't interested. Figure out who you are and learn to love that person and e happy with her. That's one way you won't allow some asshole to do this to you again.

((((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

Jewlz,

Im sorry you are in this place. Your WS is being so selfish, foolish, thoughtless, irresponsible. You are a strong woman to be taking care of four children and going through the betrayal you are.

Its amazing how blinded people can be when they allow hormones and fancy words to guide them. The OW is horrid, cruel, and cold.

Im glad your mom is there to help you get through this. I hope you will have many more people in your life to help you as the kids are home for the summer.

(((((Hugs)))))


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
jadasae
New Member
Member # 37891
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, June 17th (Monday)

Jewlz,
So very sorry to hear your story, and the same lies they all tell. They seem to have a script they run off, my ex also used things I said when I was angry as a reason he couldn't reconcile and happily forgot that he was f**king another woman at he same time.

Like you though I missed him so much for a long time and dreamt about him coming back for months. BUT you will get to a point where those feelings fade and you not only won't want to be intimate with him but the whole notion beomes seriously iccky...

Like you though, I wondered if it was really 'true love' for them and couldn't understand how they seemed to not care at all about what they did....now as I move on more and more it seems they do care I hear things occaisionally from friends and my kids...some of it still stings at times but thats all it is now...just a sting, it goes quickly...and she tells people how happy they are still, even though they had a 'little holdiday' from each other already and its only been 3 years....like others have said, they know they can't trust each other and nothing will ever change that. So will they stay together? who knows and in the end you won't care because your life will be so much better..you will look back and wonder how you ever wasted so much time on this man.

Oh but just as an interesting aside, my exBIL (ex husbands brother) left his wife for someone else 18 years ago, married the OW, had a child, ignored his ohter kids for years then they split up not long ago and the reason? he apparently is spending to much time/money on his now grown up children...am I surprised? not really, what goes around comes around and so it will for your husband to, but by then I truely hope you wont' care.

hugs to you...take care of yourself and your children and it will get better.

[This message edited by jadasae at 7:19 AM, June 17th (Monday)]


Me; BW
Him; sadly passed away now...
married 24 years
including 10 years of false R
3 wonderful grown kids
Divorced Dec 2011

Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Australia
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, June 17th (Monday)

Wishing you luck and strength today.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, June 17th (Monday)

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Don't date. You are VULNERABLE now. Sicko's will come from out of everywhere.

Protect yourself from that....please you do not want to end up with a guy like your husband or worse.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2821 | Registered: Jan 2010
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, June 17th (Monday)

I get the impression from your posts here that your husband is the typical vain, hyper-masculine, juice-head, gym rat, mysoginistic, douchebag, that is a ticking time bomb as far as infidelity goes. You need to start detaching and mentally preparing yourself for divorce. Unfortunately, he has shown his true colors and I highly doubt, no matter how much he comes groveling back to you, that you'll ever be able to trust him again. I know your physical attraction to him is your biggest weakness; hoever, he knows this too. He also knows that it is a weakness for most women who cross his path and he obviously has no problem taking full advantage of it. This is somebody who you'll never be able to trust so you must protect yourself. Start cleaning out all your bank accounts and open joint accounts with your mother for now. File for divorce IMMEDIATELY. Destroy him through the courts. It wont be long before his looks fade and he has nothing left but child support payments and kids who resent him and want nothing to do with him. By then, you will have moved on.

There's plenty of good looking, responsible, successful, MORAL men out there who want nothing more than to have a solid family. Many of those men may even be in the same situation as you right now - with kids and a shitty, amoral wife. There is hope for you - there is none for your husband. He's a deadbeat and a loser and you and your children don't need that in your lives. Start moving forward and don't waste any time on him. He made his bed, now he must sleep in it - don't think about him sharing it with his whore, and if you do, make sure you squeeze as much out of him as you can, leaving him with a very small, uncomfortable bed. There relationship will go up in flames. Your husband has obviously gone off the deep end and she's got a one-way ticket off the cliff with him. It's unfortunate that she's taking her children along with her.

Push for supervised visitation. Use his drug use against him.

Good luck and be strong. There are many people here who are hoping and praying for the best for you.


Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
allatsea
Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, June 17th (Monday)

I am so sorry for your pain. I am thinking of you and have sent you a message.

I am no expert but your husband strikes me as someone who cannot or will not change. There will be no taming him. It is unfortunate but he is just broken and cannot be repaired.

We will be here to support you in your many hours of need


You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 743 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
What?  Posted: 8:24 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)

This week has been more than I can handle. Monday was our child support court hearing where we sat in a mediation room together. My heart was pounding and it took everything in me not to jump over the table and punch him. We agreed on visitation and custody and child support and didn't need to go before the judge, but the mediator left us in the room alone and sure enough, we argued.

I can't remember the conversation, just pieces, I was so out of it. He blamed me for not talking to him if I knew what was going on. At the end he just said "I'm just trying to move on." So I left there just numb, not even hearing what the guy was saying when I left...not sure how I went and picked up the baby and got home, just horrible seeing him and facing him in that situation I never wanted to be in.

Then Tuesday, I saw the L and got everything finalized except for my auto and life insurance info. Once I get that to him, he will file. I had the week off from work so home with baby thinking, so by Wednesday, I just got really bad. Called my IC sobbing, just despair. I ending up going in and she thought it was time for anti-depressant meds and got me into the dr that night. I had a second session with the IC and have just been really bad. Overwhelmed, triggered by everything, not enjoying anything, not wanting to go anywhere. I am physically and emotionally exhausted.

Yesterday morning, WH called and wanted to see if he could take the kids to a fair later in the evening. Meanwhile, we JUST finalized visitation on Monday and he gets Wednesdays so he already expects to deviate. But I was nice, I said I had plans to take our older son graduation clothes shopping and our daughter had plans to play at a friends (which was true). He was talking about the fair and the specials on the price and whatever and I said "would be a nice thing to do as a family" crickets. Then I said "why don't you ask <OW name> and her kids to go". And he said "I'm not asking anyone to go, I want to take the kids alone". He said he'd call back and whatever kids were around he'd take.

I got angry when I started thinking about it, how he is able to enjoy fun things with our kids, go to a fair. I can't even think about going foodshopping without having heart palpitations! I cried all day thinking how the hell is able to just live his life and I am in hell, can't enjoy my kids. I like to do things with them like that too and I can't now. Why didn't he want to do things like this as a family?

Well, it didn't happen anyway (said he had to work late again).

Then, late last night, I got a text from him. And this is after months of two word texts from him about kids only.

Him: "Hi, sorry it's late, but I really want you to know how sorry I am for what I did. No matter how bad things got, you were always there for me. Always dealing with my shit. I have to admit, I'm more miserable and alone now than ever. (Should make you feel a little good.) Everyone hates me...I know that.

Me: "I'm up" "I really do appreciate the apology"

Him: "I've always been good at making shit worse, and never that good at making things better. <My name>, I'm very sorry for what I'm putting you through....

Me: "I've been alone since December"

Him: "And I've been a total scumbag since..."


So anyway, I always thought an apology would make me feel better but I couldn't sleep and woke up feeling the same dread and misery that this whole thing happened and although an apology is a tiny relief of acknowledgment, none of it takes away anything. It almost feels worse because it makes the reality of it all that much more...real. He still did all these horrible things and I was still put second to her and it doesn't change anything.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)

I know it's hard I know it probably felt like getting a little of the man you knew back...but next time, crickets.

Kids and finances. Those texts were to make HIM feel better. Likely OW was working late or they had a fight about her brats or something. If you respond, he can tell himself it's not that bad...you're still "getting along".

He'll turn you into the OW. Meaning, he needs validation from two sources so he can ignore his issues. Leaving you behind for OW has shown him she's not enough. So he's trying to suck you back in. Then he can maintain that unhealthy balance he built through the A.

Kids and finances. He'll either dump the OW and try to earn his way back into the M through his actions or he'll move on and OW will one day have her very own d-day to cherish.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11343 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Sad  Posted: 8:44 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)

Hi Jewlz

Is he still seeing or with the OW?

His apology sounds as if his finally coming out of the fog and realizing what an ass he's been. Understatement.

I am so sorry that you are going this alone.

It takes time but the despair does start to diminish.

I am glad you are seeing the IC and the doctor. You have a lot on your plate.

How are the kids holding up?

Deep breaths and know we are all here for you.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Sad  Posted: 8:44 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)

Sorry multiple posts - iPad malfunction

[This message edited by 1Faith at 8:47 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Sad  Posted: 8:44 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)

[This message edited by 1Faith at 8:46 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Sad  Posted: 8:44 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)


[This message edited by 1Faith at 8:45 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)

His apology sounds like manipulation. Why wait to send you a text in the middle of the night? Because HE was lonely! No care for you, being alone, taking care of his 4 children.

Those texts were all about HIM. Did he ask you what you need? No, he told you he screwed up, he feels all alone, everyone hates him... its all about HIM.

Its difficult, but ignore texts that are not exclusively about children. And only answer them if he asks you a question. It will help you detach.


Posts: 857 | Registered: Sep 2010
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
DOH!  Posted: 12:23 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

Wow, yes, you guys are exactly right. I shouldn't have responded just like he hadn't in the first couple weeks when I poured my heart out in emails and he never replied to any of them. I thought that it was more for his benefit, too. It's so true too, because the words did make me feel more attached instead of detached and yes, I do think he is probably still with her. It will be very hard because of the moments where I don't want to live without him and don't feel I can yet..I'm so vulnerable right now so I'm glad to have the feedback here to talk some sense into me!

The alone and miserable is probably more to do with not speaking with his family. He's never been alone and I don't think he'd get rid of her before he moved on to the next. I don't know and I don't ask the kids ANY questions or want to know anything when they come back from visits because any little thing I hear seems devastating.

He used the right word anyway, scumbag.

The kids are doing ok, except for my almost 14 year old. He has been deciding NOT to go on most visits. We had a talk yesterday and he also knows about the HGH injections and pot smoking! I tried to let him know that he needs to learn from this experience in a positive way, not negative. He says he will never leave his wife and he says "mom, a guy like that doesn't deserve your love" !!!! About his own dad! Sad. But I am so proud of him! I feel like I need to be the one to tell WH that he needs to have a serious discussion with his son because his relationship is going to be altered forever...or already has been.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

Jewlz

Although all this stinks please take great pride and pleasure in the fact you have raised an amazing son.

What a lovely young man. He will use your WH on what NOT to be.

(((Hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)

Hope ur going okay today.


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
OptimisticWife
Member
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)

I'm so sorry to read about all you have been through. Just wanted to offer you a hug and let you know that I am hoping for better days ahead for you and your 4 children. You are a strong woman and you should hold your head high. Your WH has lost more than he realizes. He will wake up one day and regret his choices. By then you will be loving life and he will be the one hurting.
Take care of yourself and your children. Good things will come because you deserve better.
All the best (((Jewlz)))

Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, June 28th (Friday)

Well, I have been doing slightly better on the ADs. Doesn't get my mind off the A, but I'm crying less. (I think I actually miss crying a little.)

I've been doing absolutely NC except he came a half hour early to pick up the kids and was in the driveway when I pulled in on Wednesday so I had to see him.

I am having the hardest time with the anxiety of just feeling like I'm waiting for something. How do I stop this constant urge to text him and tell him I miss him? I know I will regret it so I won't but I hate this feeling.

How do I get over this man who I am still so attracted to? Why am I so attracted to someone who left me and treated me so badly? I mean honestly, he could be an underwear model and he gave himself to someone I knew. I'm so humiliated and disrespected that my gorgeous guy went with someone I barely gave a thought about. I never thought in a million years this woman would have MY guy!

It's been 3 months since he said he was leaving and 2 months since DD so I know it's still new but I'm so tired. Why can't I just be angrier? I hate wanting him.

I know this all sounds shallow...

[This message edited by Jewlz at 3:19 PM, June 28th (Friday)]


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, June 28th (Friday)

Not shallow at all. Sounds human. It is hard to let go of the love even through being treated horribly.

Don't beat yourself up over this. Be kind to yourself.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, June 28th (Friday)

I was just reading an article about the feeling of rejection when someone leaves us feeds the same part of the brain as an addiction. We desperately want that person back and tend to forget all the bad parts about them.

So this is very human and normal.

But keep your dignity and continue to hold your head up. Eventually those feelings will fade.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1845 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, June 28th (Friday)

That's exactly it, the feelings are intensified since he wanted to leave. I will just hang on and like another poster said, just the thought will be icky. I can't wait for that! Thanks!


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, June 28th (Friday)

Jewlz, I'm so sorry for your pain and grief. You've come to the right place, isnt everyone here amazing with their support?

I really can't add more to the wonderful advice you've already gotten, but I noticed one thing reading your posts that struck me as progress for you.
When he sent those texts to you and you stated he had never been alone, it occurred to me that you are already becoming much stronger than he is. You've been alone since December with 4 children, one a newborn? You rock girl

I know the next few months will be hard for you, but i sense through your posting that in spite of the miserable place he put you in, your going to be fine.

Try not to think too much of what goes on between him and skank OW. Neither come close to someone of your worth and they dont matter as near as much as you and you kiddies.

Hugs to you Jewlz


Posts: 701 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

I just did the worst thing to myself! I think it's because we texted this past weekend (while he had the kids) how they were since it was the first weekend with our 6 month old baby in his care! He responded he was fine and asked how I was. I said "harder than I thought it would be" referring to being away from the kids and he said "I'm sorry". Then let me know they were watching a movie and baby was sleeping and goodnight, then sent a pic in the morning with a "good morning!!!" Then Monday night he wrote and asked how everyone was and I answered about the baby coughing a little but he was fine and then he asked again "how are you?" I responded that I am trying to move on and enjoy my children.

So, it did make me think about him and miss him so much more. I've been missing our old life sooo much. I've also been so angry at the same time but I've been doing things that make me feel worse, like putting my engagement ring on and crying, reading old texts, reading my pregnancy diary (how happy I was right before the A, before he even started talking to the OW).

So just now, I'm sitting at work and I texted him about missing our life together and immediately after hitting send, regretting it (because I've been doing rather well with 180 and detaching otherwise and before this weekend!)

So now I've set myself up for a no reply and regret and sent a pointless text. I will seem unattractive, pathetic, blah blah blah, yes, but at the same time, this IS how I feel! He was my best friend for 15 years and this is how I feel. I know...my feelings should be my own. Him asking how I am is probably more him just wanting his little bit of guilt he may be having to go away when I say I'm fine. I am NOT fine but I know he will never understand what I'm going through so my reply was BS (sort of).

I should have said "what do you want to hear?" like his OW said to me in front of him at the park on DDay! It haunts me like, he's mine now and you don't need to know what's going on between us. 15 years to her handful of months and she talks to me like I don't deserve an explanation. I guess I need to accept I may never get one. He took the easy way out and said he was leaving first to avoid the cheating conversation so I'm sure he won't be willing to go there now or ever. I just can't believe that after all this time, this is what he did to me, how he did it, and what he wanted for me. Rather me go through this awful pain and suffering so he doesn't have to. I really need to keep reminding myself that I deserve better and stop answering his dumb texts! He doesn't have a right to know how I am!

Lately, I feel very hopeless that I will never feel like I will want to live without him. At the same time I do not want him back, like in limbo. Please, when does this longing start to fade?

Ugh, this post is all over the place, like my thoughts!

[This message edited by Jewlz at 1:26 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Helpless  Posted: 1:54 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Dear Jewlz

I am so sorry.

Don't beat yourself up over this, please don't.

You are human. You have feelings and you love(d)your husband. NOTHING wrong with that in the least. NOTHING.

You have so much to absorb and it is normal to feel everything and nothing.

It takes a long time to accept this has happened. That it is real.

Know that we are all here rooting for you.

Deep breaths, hug your babies and know that you matter.

(((hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Jewlz, what you're going through is so horrible and so very very painful that you are ALLOWED to be a mess right now. You sound like you're doing amazingly well. It's not surprising that you had a moment of weakness. It's like a diet -- so you had a piece of cake. Get back on that horse and keep riding! (Mixed metaphors, but whatever.) You are so, so strong and you WILL move on, and you will realize that anyone who would hurt you so profoundly and betray you so horribly doesn't deserve your love and attention.

And you know that, but you miss him. Totally natural, and completely human. Do you have a sponsor who can help wean you off your addiction to this very toxic guy? Who you can call in your moments of weakness? (Besides SI, of course. And you can always post here.)

Lots of hugs to you and the baby. My heart goes out to you.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Thanks so much, both!

Good idea, next time I have the urge to text, I should write here or call someone first and by the time I'm done, the urge will have probably faded!

I can't wait for my IC session tonight.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

He's such a slug......

It sounds to me like he is setting himself up as the compassionate, caring ex-husband who wants to be your best friend because you guys divorced because you grew apart.

Screw that shit. He was the one who cheated on you and abandoned you and the kids.

I would really like to put shrimp underneath the back seats of his car.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6636 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

Jewlz,

Having read your whole thread, I admire your emotional honesty, and ability to verbalize all the feelings and thoughts you are having throughout the ordeal. You are not playing any mental games with yourself, or with him, and you are an emotionally "whole" person.

Your ups and downs are perfectly normal, and a big plus is that you know what is going on inside of you (or what WH is doing) to cause those ups and downs.

You're honest with yourself about still loving WH, and hating him for the pain he is causing by having an A.

To give yourself strength:

When your WH is nice to you or inquires about your well being, and you begin to want to respond back because you L him, miss him and the way things used to be, remind yourself what he is still currently doing: he is not living in your home because he is involved with OW.

By exchanging friendly texts with him, you are allowing him to have his cake and eat it too.

It is obvious he is beginning to see some of the havoc he has created, and now he wants to have an ongoing friendship with you, even while he is still with OW. He is beginning to realize how horribly he behaved toward you, and some of your pain.

However, he has shown no hint of true remorse, or of wanting to leave OW and wanting to be back with you. Remorse is not the same thing as guilt. Remorse means that they are willig to take full responsibility for their actions, and do whatever it takes to help you heal from the pain they caused. Your WH has not gotten to that point, although he seems to be getting some of his conscience back.

When you want to reach out to him, or respond to his inquiries, remind yourself: Do you want to now become the OW in his life, or do you still want to be the only woman?

As of now he still has has OW and you. Your conditions have not changed, but his being nice to you is weakening your resolve, thus pulling you back in to the triangle.

It isn't fair to you for him to pull on your emotional strings, by emailing you about personal things.

You need to remove yourself from the picture. That doesn't mean you have to behave in an ugly way, you just have to maintain your boundaries, and refuse to now become the OW in his life.

Tell him the truth, that you L him still, and miss him, wish that things were the way they used to be, but that he has clearly chosen OW and needs to focus on her, so you can begin to rebuild your own life without him. Tell him that you aren't going to talk about personal things with him while he is in another relationship. Tell him you aren't willing to become the OW now that he has left and is with another woman. He needs to keep all communication strictly about business.

If the fog is beginning to wear off, and he realizes that you aren't fighting for him anymore, but you have accepted he is with OW, and you are not willing to become the OW in his new relationship, it might help more of the fog to lift.

Your mother is so wonderful for being there to help you during this time. Don't feel guilty for leaning on her. That is what family is for. When you are able, do something nice for her. Tell you how much you appreciate her now. I am saying this because I had noone to help me, except friends. My parents have passed away, siblings live far away and we are not close. FWH's family are messed up, cheaters, users, or liars, so I didn't bother telling any of them...they would have made excuses for WS behavior and blamed me. You are so blessed to have a mother who is willing to help you.

(((((jewlz)))))


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

Not sure what to think right now. My ic is tomorrow but I need some help from SI now!

WH just called tonight. He started about the visiting arrangements because his mom is taking the 3 older kids but not the baby. Anyway, then he mentions how he misses ALL of us. We end up having a half hour conversation. He started saying he wants to know if we can talk in person, saying how sorry he is again and that he wants to tell me in person. He says "I need you to be able to look at me" or something rather and I said this is not about what you need. He says he knows.

He told me he is not with OW anymore, how he doesn't know what he was thinking. All she does is collect checks from her baby daddies, she's a party girl. He talked about how messed up it was to our kids. I told him that the worst thing for me was feeling so disrespected and he said I was, in the worst possible way. He said I WAS his best friend and he realizes that now. He wants to go to an IC.

It was absolutely too much to handle in a 30 minute conversation after all that's happened and I am just overwhelmed, sad, confused and so disappointed that this happened.

It seems like he cannot stand her. And when I said "I don't know her" he said "you don't want to". He said how our kids are the best, our kids are awesome, better than any other kids. (I'm guesssing he's comparing to her brats, they really are!)

I just cannot see being with him right now...but I'm not supposed to feel that now, right? I can't imagine being intimate with him again or a life with him now. I've already got D papers in the works, a night out with a bunch of single girls this weekend and he just started paying child support! Yeah, don't say it!

So, any thoughts? Is he worth it? Should I just take it slow and let him do IC? Should I still be doing 180?

He said he knows I probably hate him. I told him I don't hate him, I hate what he did. Lie, I fucking hate his guts right now! But that sounded better. I hate him and her and don't know if I can ever feel different. He said he knows boundaries but he chose to cross them. I asked if he did it to get back at me in some way and he said maybe he did! He says he doesn't know why he did it and he's been lost. Sorry if this is all over, I'm trying to remember and it's coming in pieces.

He talked about her SO and how she said when he left their home, everyone side in relief, but he thought about how when he left our home, everyone was like, what the F just happened.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

Ok, on my iPad so can't correct, meant sighed not side. Anyway, he sounded sorry but there is too much hurt in me for it to sink in or mean anything at this point. My heart hurts and the lump in my throat continues to throb. He says he needs someone to tell him there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I started telling him that I know, that everyone says how I'll be fine, I'll be okay and I'll get over him but I can't see it. I probably shouldn't have let him know that, huh? He says don't think he doesn't think about me. I felt like saying well how the hell would I know that, he barely answers texts!

The fact is, that he left me for this girl he barely knew, was sure about it, and now only sorry because he is realizing he didn't know her and doesn't actually like who she is. But he liked to have sex with her and not me and caused me tremendous pain and psychological issues. I am having ALL kinds of issues that I'm sure a lot of you are familiar with, triggers, my own body, thoughts about sex..I can't go to the bathroom without being reminded of what they did! Sorry, tmi? It's sick and I just think I love myself too much to forgive him for what he did to me!


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

Jewlz, I've followed this thread, but also haven't read each and every post. But I saw your last two posts and wanted to respond. The lump at the back of your throat - we all understand.

It was absolutely too much to handle in a 30 minute conversation after all that's happened and I am just overwhelmed, sad, confused and so disappointed that this happened.

Exactly. Too much to handle. You've been a rockstar of a mama for several months on your own. No need to rush to get back with him, or hear him out or anything. Just keep on keepin' on like you have for awhile. Let the feelings of being overwhelmed pass before you really try to analyze what this conversation means. Every BS should take a huge step back to calm down and do some self-care before making any decisions. And especially someone in your situation who is being yanked around.

I would keep up with the 180 if you can. That's for you. And if he's truly remorseful, you focusing on you won't deter him from doing the hard work. Nothing will. He'll do it for himself and for just a sliver of a chance to be with you. If he can't handle the 180 or can't handle you taking a long, deep breath and time to think - then he's not worth it. If he wants to get IC, good for him. But that's on him and you shouldn't have to encourage or reward it.

He says he wants to see the light at the end of the tunnel? FTG, so long as he stays in this mindset. HE can create that light for himself and if you want to go along for the ride later, so be it, after you've had time to think this through.

I hope others who have more intently followed your story come along soon. I'm sure that conversation was gut wrenching.

((jewlz))


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Duffy1958
Member
Member # 39755
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

Jewlz-you have made tremendous progress. I know it barely feels like it because I have read your thread. I know you have been in a lot of pain & turmoil. Please. Don't jump. Don't set yourself back.

Step back & give yourself time to process his approach. It sounds like he is putting "the rush" on you. That's never a good thing. It's VERY manipulative.

He threw the ball back in your court. Good. Use it. Keep 180 make him show TRUE intentions.

You can't be the fallback from the barbie tool. You are the wife who was wronged & nice will do nothing for him. It won't change him & he needs to honestly change before he is allowed to be part of your life.

Think ahead Jewlz. He has made GROSS, selfish choices for how long? He can't fluff off the responsibility he chose by his "confession" He has to own it & it bothers me that he hasn't SHOWN anything first, just talk.

It is your life, your choice & you know your own situation best. I trust you Jewlz. I'm just throwing in my 2 cents. Don't forget how valuable of a person you are. Of course he wants to hook up with you, you are faithful & a true warrior. He put you through hell so he knows. But Jewlz, THE BOMB, is WORTH likecharacter, not spineless, cheater mentality.

Can you read the book "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson? It is VERY applicable to our situation.

Thank you for the update & no matter what, you DID get a sorry, I was a dumbass. He can't take it back!

Prayers for you & your family Jewlz. Him too. (Grrrrr) Blessings & God speed!


Me-SAHW soon 55
Him-asshat age 60
Married 3.5 years together 13.5
Step-children 8 altogether Grandchildren.
Cheaters are the same yesterday, today & forever. They may have different caveats but they lie the same & pull the same shit.

Where i


Posts: 114 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

Jewlz,

You don't have to see him tonight, or even tomorrow. It doesn't mean you will never see him. If you need space, tell him that. If you need even more space, tell him not to call you for a few days, while he processes HIS OWN FEELINGS, to make sure they are real, and not just his latest whim.

If he is really coming out of the fog, he will also need to hear your angry feelings, eventually, when you are ready.

Tell him what your conditions are to see him face to face: that he has actually seen an IC? That he is 100% NC with OW, and you want him to send a NC letter to her...that you seal in the envelope and drop in the mail to make sure it actually is sent?

I didn't go through what you did, but my H's behavior really sent me for a loop. 4 years later I am still not secure in the M. I had him write up a post nup, making sure that I wasn't going to get the short end of the deal, should he ever flake out (have an A and dump me and the children) again. You may need something like that, should you decide you can stomach being with him again...

You're a strong woman, who deserves to be cherished, respected, and ....did I say RESPECTED? How is your WH going to show you he respects you now?

(((((((Jewlz))))))


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

Jewlz,

I think by now you know I've been closely following your story. I'm worried about you and your state of mind right now. I fear that you may want him back so bad that you may settle for less than you're worth.

That said, I think you SHOULD meet with him face-to-face; HOWEVER, you MUST be prepared for the conversation - more specifically, you must be prepared to TAKE CONTROL of the situation now. I think (and this is just my opinion) that it's important for you to remain on the same course towards your own personal healing. You should continue to build yourself and your children up as if he can step out of the game at any time. This will protect you in the event he loses his mind again. You should go into the conversation with a list of conditions (i.e. he gets independent therapy, shows true remorse, apologizes to your children, replenishes the money in your savings account that he pillaged, stays away from drugs/alcohol, and does some serious work to start fixing the mess he's made).

I stand by the advice I gave you just a couple of days ago - GO GET A MAKEOVER! Start exercizing and regain your physical strength. Go treat yourself to some new clothes and some sexy under garments. Work on the outside to help you heal on the inside. You should do all of this before you meet with him so you can go into the conversation feeling confident and in control. If you truly feel confident on the inside, you will exude confidence and THAT will allow you to grab control and set the tone, especially because he is so vulnerable right now. The fact that the other woman is no longer in the picture should help you gain at least a little relief to focus on yourself a little more now that the threat of her completely demolishing you is less.

If you feel as though there is a glimmer of hope, tell him that you are open to trying to move forward with reconcilliation; however, you discovered a strength in yourself that you never quite realized you possessed. Tell him that divorce is still very much on the table and his actions will dictate whether or not that ultimately changes. Remind him that although you love him, you do NOT need him and that his actions over the past few months have hurt both you and the children immensely and, because of this, you must continue to take steps to protect both yourself and the children from further pain. Encourage him to get therapy for himself AND his children. This will help no matter what becomes of the marriage because it will help him become a stronger father and a stronger man. Remind him that even if you don't get back together, you will be connected for at least another 18 years while your baby grows up and that in order for the two of you to co-parent, he must work through the issues that have brought him to this horrible low. I suspect (actually, I KNOW) that your older children are going to need some kind of counseling and he IS going to need to be a part of that in order to repair his relationships with them. You need to mention this to him. He's really made quite the mess and it's important that he understands the severity of the situation he's caused. You should also mention that no matter how big the mess, with a lot of hard work, dedication, love, and forgiveness, the mess can be cleaned up. This may help him see the "light at the end of the tunnel."

You hold the cards now. Do NOT let him see you sweat! Be strong. Be decisive. Be guarded. Be open-minded. Be firm with him. Be gentle with yourself. Be the better person.

Good luck and please keep us posted on your progress. As always, come here when you need encouragement, advice, or feel the need to vent. We're here for you and sending you strength and best wishes!

ETA: The reason I think you should meet with him is so that you can FINALLY get the conversation he never afforded you on his way out the door. This conversation is for YOU not for him. It's so you can reclaim what was owed to you MONTHS AGO. He deserves to answer for his sins. He deserves to feel awkward and uncomfortable. He deserves to hang his head in shame. Do NOT be charmed by his handsome smile. Do NOT be swayed by his "underwear model" good looks. Be strong and commanding.

[This message edited by anewday78 at 9:13 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]


Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

I just want to add that I agree with HurtButHopeful - if R is a possibility, he MUST write a no contact letter to the OW that YOU approve. He MUST let her know that his dalliances with her were a TREMENDOUS mistake that he wishes he never made because it has caused devestation to his family and himself. He should tell her that she can NEVER compare to the woman, wife, and mother that you are and that she should never attempt to contact him in any way ever again. Here's a line my grandfather used on his 2nd wife (my grandmother was killed in a car wreck when my mother was 9 years old and her father remarried a total c u next tuesday who acted like a wicked step-mother from a Disney fairytale) - I think it completely applies to you and your situation: "If OW were half the woman you are, she'd be a lady." I think that would be a wonderful closing line in his NC letter.

Again, take your time and do what's right for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. He must live with whatever decision you make. Just don't make a hasty decision while you're still weak and vulnerable.


Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

Thank you all so much. I am worried about me and my state of mind too! I am completely confused and overwhelmed with thoughts. I think I am mostly sad that I don't see a way out and that I feel it is too late.

I agree with Anewday's conditions and Duffy, thank you for your post and book recommendation. I do plan to read something and hope he cares enough to as well.

And yes, the angry feelings are mine for now, I'm not ready to even let him know the depth of how much my soul has been shattered. I just have no idea how to ever make this work. Just because he realizes now that she isn't who he thought she was, I should be there to be his best friend again? He has no one to talk to because of what he's done.

He still brings up about things that were said in front of our children. So, he cheated and went with her and disrespected me so terribly because I said something negative about him in front of our kids!? I reminded him that the reason we were fighting and all that happened was because I felt he was not there emotionally. He was with her.

My mother is worried that I am going to let him come back. So I also have to worry about disappointing others who don't want me to be hurt again and who have had to sit with me while I cried and couldn't get out of bed and suffered. She was there to take care of the kids when I broke down and he was with OW so she has a right to be angry.

I feel like I will always wonder when the next pretty girl will throw herself at him and he will just take it. I can't trust him but I am SO afraid of starting over.

Xanax is kicking in!


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

Oh and texted me this morning "good morning". I'm so confused! It's not a F'n good morning!


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Revenge  Posted: 11:07 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

Jewlz

Just like when you first found out. You don't have to make any decisions today.

Tread lightly. Yes, you love and hate him at the same time. NORMAL. He is your husband and the father of your children.

But sorry doesn't quite cover this one. It just doesn't.

He has A LOT of work to do on himself first.

He needs some serious IC. Please continue yours as well.

If the lovey dovey stuff is too much to stomach (it was for me after DDay) then tell him please refrain from your expressions of love/caring right now because I honestly can't stomach them.

You have processed so much and went through so much, you can just snap your fingers and welcome him back with open arms. It is not realistic.

Approach this as pragmatically as possible (easier said than done, I know).

Don't worry about disappointing anyone. This is your life and you have to do what is right for you.

R may be possible or you may feel like to much has happened and you can't ever be at peace with all the hurt his selfish behavior caused. Again, you don't have to decide this today.

Keep 180 make him show TRUE intentions.

Heavy sigh and many hugs my friend.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 11:07 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
Duffy1958
Member
Member # 39755
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Yes! You are thinking right! You are thinking critically & not just blindly accepting! Yes! Good girl! You are wise to be guarded. Make him chase you if his intent is to reconcile.

You make a very valid point in will you have to worry about the next pretty girl. Don't forget that & consider it heavily.

If you can at all do the make over. You can even if you have to do it yourself. I so agree with ANewDay about make over. Please?! My new makeup had hubs asking very nosy questions. My new clothes? Look great & he is checking me out. Insert pissed off eye roll. I don't have cell but I am VERY mysterious with my iPad. I HAVE to have it glued to me. I close whatever I am doing when he walks up, just to make him wonder. I could go on about jerking his chain but really, I'm just doing these things for me & he IS reacting. I would like to stab him in the eye. Does that make me a bad person? Lol JK

I'm praying for you Jewlz. God is in control. Listen for His still guidance. XO


Me-SAHW soon 55
Him-asshat age 60
Married 3.5 years together 13.5
Step-children 8 altogether Grandchildren.
Cheaters are the same yesterday, today & forever. They may have different caveats but they lie the same & pull the same shit.

Where i


Posts: 114 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

I'm sorry, YOU disrespected HIM by "saying something negative about him in front of the kids!?" His disrespectful actions spoke infinitely louder than your words. Must you remind him that the day after you gave him the greatest gift a woman can give a man - your son - he had OW and her children AT YOUR HOUSE with YOUR CHILDREN while HE should have been at that hospital by YOUR SIDE with YOUR CHILDREN? How about on Easter when he bought HER flowers and a card but not the mother of his own children? How about on Mother's Day when, rather than paying his respects to the mother of HIS children, he was off riding bikes with OW's children? How about on Father's Day when, rather than picking up HIS OWN children on time, he was with OW? How about when he cleaned out your savings account so he could walk out on you and spend God knows how much of YOUR money on HER!?

He needs a reality check right there. Don't let him get away with THAT if he's stupid enough to bring it up again.


Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Anewday, I love it, thank you. As sad as it is to read your post I really appreciate the summary and I wish I could take you with me when we meet to talk.

I will do my best to remind him of these things if he brings up our fighting during his EA as justification again. grrr Thank you. And if he wants to talk about being disrespectful in front of the kids, he is the one who brought them around OW 5 days after he moved into his new apartment...only two weeks after leaving our home. And again after they slept over there, when her kids told my 8 year old "we already slept over here a few times".


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

"Looking good is the best revenge." ~ Ivana Trump

I found you your "to-do" list, Jewlz!!

Step 1: Skin
Achieve a nice sun-kissed look (don't over-tan, it's tacky). Either spend an hour or two on a lounge chair out back or hit the spray tan/tanning bed. Make sure you purchase a good face moisturizer to keep your skin glowing.

Step 2: Hair
You can either go for a subtle new cut and highlight or a bold new style and color. Talk to your stylist about the best course of action for you. Be sure to look at photos of different styles and make sure the new style compliments the shape of your face. An asymetric bob is a great way to say, "Fuck you, boys. I'm in control now." http://cdn01.cdn.justjared.com/wp-content/uploads/headlines/2009/06/lauren-conrad-wig.jpg

Step 3: Make-up
Don't skimp on your make-up. Go to the cosmetics counter at your favorite department store and work with a knowledgable sales rep to match the right colors for your skin tone. Make-up for daytime hours should capture a more natural look (think earth tones), while make-up for an evening out on the town should be bold and make a statement (think dark, smokey eyes and lipstick that pops).

Step 4: Wardrobe
Splurge on a few good dresses - fun and flirty for daytime and smoldering/sexy for evening. Don't stop there! Make sure you feel sexy underneath it all by splurging on some sexy bras and panties! Of course, no look is complete without the right pair of shoes!


Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Yeah, you need to shut his ass down each and every time he tries to pin the blame on you. Nothing you said or did during that very hormonal time for you even compares to the atrocities he committed. As soon as he starts getting lippy, shut him the eff down. I would literally tell him to shut his mouth and look down to the ground and then UNLEASH on him with a verbal assault reminding him just what a POS he's been.

I really wish I could be there with you too - at least via an ear-piece coaching you on what to say - because he FOR SURE would NOT get away with any blame shifting! But, I have all the confidence in you to give it to him good. This is the moment you've been waiting for, so make the best of it and get everything out. With that said, in addition to the well deserved venting you're entitled to, you're also entitled to seeing this conversation lead to some sort of progress - whether it be towards reconciliation or mutual respect while proceeding with divorce.


Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

I love it. The first things I thought of when all this happened is I wanted to go tanning, wanted to dye my hair...and I actually did buy new undies when he said he was leaving me thinking maybe I'd give him some ideas. But, no, he wasn't interested. He knew I bought them but couldn't care less.

I feel like why did I have to wait for my husband to figure out he is interested in me. Why did it take another woman for him to realize what he had. That Bruno Mars song about when I was your man was written for him. When he was leaving me, I said to the kids, dad's gonna sing this song to me. "I should have bought you flowers, and held your hand...gave you all my hours, when I had the chance...took you to every party, cause I know how you loved to dance"

I hate love/breakup songs!


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Anewday, I was SO thinking of the earpiece idea, hahaha!


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

I hate love/breakup songs!

I think THIS is the type of breakup song you need to be listening to right now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPcyTyilmYY

Edited: Don't know how to make hperlinks!

[This message edited by anewday78 at 1:49 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Wow, I've listened to that song a hundred times and feel like I just heard it for the first time just now!


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

(((Jewlz)))

What he is doing so hard on you emotionally. So the real question is did he really get his head out of arse, or is he just sad an lonely now that he isn't the apple of the OW's eye?

Unfortunately you are going to have to watch his actions to determine that. That IF you even want to consider R'ing as a possiblity... But please please please make sure that you continue down the path to D at this point. Don't put the brakes on yet. He has proven nothing. Remember for R to be successful, and you to be happy, and feel safe, there is a TON of work on his part that has to be done, and the biggest part is him figuring out WHY he chose this path, and then of course fixing whatever the broken part within him is. Without that he is bound to cheat again.

YOU are awesome, and have done amazingly well so far. Hey if he chooses to really start doing the hard work, I am willing to bet your mom won't be upset with you for trying.

I can say when I knew my H was having an A, and had NO proof I did go get a drastic hair cut and color. It was awesome. I went from being a ponytail girl to a short sassy, don't F with me cut. I still sport a version of it today.
I also got me some new clothes to go with the new me, because of the infidelity diet I lost a significant amount of weight. I looked damn good. I did that for me. NOT for him. So if you bought those panties and bras with him in mind I would strongly recommend you go get something for you.

((((and strength))))

YOU ARE A SUPERSTAR!!!


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Ohhhh! I found a good one! Not sure what kind of hair you have, but the first two pics on the page are stunning! Just so happens one of the most famous BS of our time is sporting the look:
http://www.hairpediaclub.com/jennifer-aniston-easy-asymmetric-short-hair-bob.html

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

I feel like I will always wonder when the next pretty girl will throw herself at him and he will just take it.

If he doesn't take full responsibility for his actions, if he can't find out the reasons why he's a cheater and do the hard painful work of changing, then you are right--he will do this again.

But if he can't grow up, you will be far gone so it won't be you who gets screwed over the next time!

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 9:20 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Don't pick the exWH apart or put him down to his face.

He is sorry right now. So, move on with your life and make him really sorry.

Be friends, like soccer mom friends.

Give him every reason to regret how stupid he was to lose and hurt you.

He is out of the fog and does not deserve you.

When you feel weak, re-read your posts from day 1. Do you really want a man that DID treat you like that? Would you ever date a man like that?

You don't miss the man he is now. You miss what he was and what you had. You can never have that back with him. It is changed and that is the sad aftermath of A's.

You can have another life with someone else. He realizes what he did, but still puts the blame on you for the A.

He is still thinking about himself and being selfish.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 11:56 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 954 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, July 12th (Friday)

I saw my IC last night and she says the same thing, that he needs to figure out why he went so far as an A instead of communicating with me and shouldn't be calling me for comfort. She says that it's because I've always been there for him. And she said the same thing you all are saying, not to forget all the pain you've been through, the unanswered emails and texts.

She used an analogy saying how uncommon it is for a mother to pack up and leave her family and not look back...you don't hear about that happening very often. She said that this was like that, not to take away from a wife that was cheated on by her husband, but that he actually left and when he just had a newborn baby! It is just not something common. And how friends of guys who cheat will sort of say, well do what you gotta do but keep me out of it, but when it's a guy who cheats and leaves his wife with a new baby, no one wants any part of that. She was saying this because I told her how he was saying no one wants to talk to him.

I can't stop thinking and thinking about what to do, meet, not meet. What is the point. I am so heartbroken. I think about how much I wish this never happened and all the hurt and betrayal. I feel like I want romance and someone who thinks I'm beautiful and can't imagine forgiving him for putting me second for all this time. Not even second, I was last! I was thrown to the side like a piece of garbage and ignored. He was so sure about his decision and seemed so relieved to go. How can I even begin to believe anything he says. I just want to feel loved and adored and I am so sad because I am realizing that I don't think he is capable. Since the phone call, this is all hitting me, the reality of what R would be and I feel like it is just as dark and hopeless as D. I didn't realize this until it was a possibility and I feel disappointed all over again. I thought it was what I wanted, but now I just cannot imagine R. Hurt is too deep right now.

I want to rehash all these things, him sleeping while I was in labor, how I felt when I saw her look at him, remind him that I mentioned it to him, the betrayal of her being in my home and trusting him that it was nothing just to find out it was something all along, that I would have LOVED pretty flowers in my garden for Easter, that I found out on Mother's Day that my children were hanging out with her and her children the week before and found out on our Anniversary that he spent Mother's Day with her while I cried and missed him, that I am STILL in shock over ALL of it, that I look at every car that looks like hers while I'm driving paranoid to see her, that my bedroom smelled like spit up and pee diapers while he was out sleeping with my friend, that the memories of coaching cheerleading and being at that field are painful, that I have had to imagine them together every day of my life and can't even listen to music or watch TV. Everything triggers the A! Everything and I'm so tired! Sorry, I am having a bad day, tears are rolling down my cheeks as I type this and I am at work..I can't focus. I just see no end to my pain!


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Mandilwen
Member
Member # 27186
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, July 12th (Friday)

You are only a couple of months out, but that pain will end with time. Your brain has to process all of those things somehow. Your last post reminded me of some things I haven't thought about in years. When I delivered our second child, he was with OW. I found out later that she was also pregnant with his child, our kids are only 8 months apart. On our anniversary, he was with her and didn't even bother to call me or anything. Those things deeply hurt me for awhile, but they haven't even crossed my mind in years now.

Reconciling seems to be a very tough journey, but many members here have done it. Read through that forum to get a feel for how that process works. I divorced my ex and never regretted it. But I knew he was not really remorseful. I did try to reconcile for over a year though. You can get divorced now and still reconcile, or you can stop the divorce and try to reconcile. You have time to decide what you really want to do. Don't try and rush either way. Your emotions should be more settled 6 months from now, a year from now, whenever...but either way it goes, the pain will subside.


BS-34; WXH-32; DS8; DS3; OC3
DDay: SEPT 2008
Divorced: JUNE 2010

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Indy
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, July 12th (Friday)

Jewlz, like I said before. If you DO decide to meet with him, it should be for YOU, not HIM. He left very abruptly and you've expressed on many occassions that you were not able to say the things you wanted to say at that time. To me, meeting with him now will finally afford you that opportunity. You MUST take caution, however, not to allow him to flip the script and manipulate/charm/guilt/blame-shift you into a false R.

I think you should give yourself a little time to work on yourself (doing all the fabulous image adjusting things we've discussed) before meeting with him. You need to be super-duper confident and empowered if/when that meeting takes place. You need to be in a place where you can say, "the world is not going to end for me if you're no longer my partner." And although deep down inside it might not be a complete truth, as long as you can say it with a straight face and be convincing, I think you'll be ready to have that conversation with him.

"I am so heartbroken. I think about how much I wish this never happened and all the hurt and betrayal. I feel like I want romance and someone who thinks I'm beautiful and can't imagine forgiving him for putting me second for all this time. Not even second, I was last! I was thrown to the side like a piece of garbage and ignored. He was so sure about his decision and seemed so relieved to go. How can I even begin to believe anything he says. I just want to feel loved and adored and I am so sad because I am realizing that I don't think he is capable."

Why not tell him this? If divorce is the direction you're leaning towards, you AT LEAST deserve some closure. Unfortunately, you were never given a chance at closure. That's why I think a meeting might help you move on. When you get yourself to the point where you're ready to have that conversation, I highly suspect you will look at him and no longer be attracted to him - sure his outer shell may still be beautiful, but you will see through it and look into the empty, pathetic soul on the inside.

On the flip-side, who knows, maybe there's a reason why he's gone off the deep end. Maybe there are issues from childhood that you don't know about, maybe the HGHs he was injecting caused him to go insane for a while, maybe he had a nervous breakdown. Regardless, he needs to do the work to figure out what went wrong and he definitely owes you an explanation. At that point, you can make a determination (can you forgive or is it a deal breaker). Right now, you just don't know. It's the not knowing that makes me believe that a conversation must be had. As a matter of fact, I think multiple conversations must occur over time in between intensive therapy sessions. Afterall, if divorce is ultimately the final outcome, this is somebody who is going to remain, at some capacity, in your life for AT LEAST another 18 years.

Give yourself time and make solid choices. Focus on getting yourself and your children to a better place and everything else will eventually fall into place for you.

[This message edited by anewday78 at 9:30 AM, July 12th (Friday)]


Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, July 12th (Friday)

I agree with your therapist. There are cheaters and there are CHEATERS. Yours seems like a different breed. I am sorry, but I can't help but have contempt for a man that would abandon his wife and newborn for a snotty OW.

Your WS is used to having you do everything for him. He doesn't sound like the type to put in any hard work and can't handle any thing that doesn't go smoothly or his way. Is he incapable of handling stress?

It sounds like you played the role of his mother for far too long.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 954 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, July 12th (Friday)

If you decide to R. Which there is nothing wrong with that, only you know if he is worth it....please live apart for a while till you are both well into MC after he gets IC.

It would be so easy for you to slip back into the role of his supporter till you become focused on the children again and he looks for attention and self-validation elsewhere.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 954 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, July 12th (Friday)

This is JMHO... I think you should not meet with him. Think carefully about what your goals are for such a meeting. What do you want to get out of it? If it's just to vent your hurt and anger... that's not going to go well, and it's potentially opening up your heart to him, giving him the chance to make you feel better. He won't be able to do that, both because what he's done is so heinous and because he's not a safe person. You may want the "truth" from him, but TBH, he's in no position to give it to you right now -- he clearly doesn't know what it is, himself. Personally, I think you should say that you're in too much pain to see him and that your focus right now is making yourself strong and healing. Tell him that he's a mess and has nothing to offer you right now, and won't until he gets his act together by engaging in significant therapy to figure out why he decided to blow up his life in this way. You are collatoral damage and CANNOT be a support or "friend" to him right now. He has to grow up and clean up his own messes. In other words, 180 him, for YOURSELF. I hear too much pain and anger for you to make any rational decisions right now. You need to decide what's best for YOU.

I think there are cases where otherwise decent men do blow up their lives in this way. I hope my WH is one of them. But they are NOT SAFE PEOPLE until they have figured out what made them do such a crazy, hurtful thing. They cannot possibly even consider being a good partner until they've sorted themselves out. He is TOXIC to you now. To continue with the bomb analogy, there may still be a few live charges left in the pile.

I'm glad his friends are ostracizing him. You should, too. He needs to earn his way back.

I think you can explain this to him (in an email or something) in an unemotional way, and if he has any humility or sense of what he's done, he will understand it. It will be a sign that he may be able to recover.

GL to you

Oh, and PS -- I agree with the above, don't let him sucker you into a healing role -- helping him heal. You are not his mom and he gave up all rights to a wife's support when he moved out with that, well, you-know-what. Being suppportive of him in this way would delay his healing, not help it.

[This message edited by Blobette at 10:53 AM, July 12th (Friday)]


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
grace68
Member
Member # 28241
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, July 12th (Friday)

You don't have to make a decision now. You can make the decision not to make a decision. I believe, that if he's really serious about being with you as part of your family, he will wait.
He will work on himself and lend you strength to heal with his actions, with no guarantee of R in return.

After the damage he has caused, an honest remorseful spouse should not create a bigger burden than they already have. Take your time. Breathe. Tell him to get into IC, rebuild his relationship with his children, and as you view his actions over time, you will make a decision when you are ready.

Any hint of not taking complete and total responsibility for the mess he has created, of self pity for his consequences, should be met with the door in his face.

[This message edited by grace68 at 10:52 AM, July 12th (Friday)]


Me - BS
Him - Doesn't Matter
Status: Divorced

Posts: 109 | Registered: Apr 2010
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, July 12th (Friday)

I can't stop thinking and thinking about what to do, meet, not meet. What is the point. I am so heartbroken. I think about how much I wish this never happened and all the hurt and betrayal. I feel like I want romance and someone who thinks I'm beautiful and can't imagine forgiving him for putting me second for all this time.

In that case, maybe you should 180. Even your IC says he needs to work on himself and not use you for an emotional sounding board.

You need to set up boundaries and let him know what actions you expect to see before you widen those boundaries to include him more. Transparency: access to all accounts to begin with. An appoint made and accomplished with his own IC. A book like "How to Help your Spouse Heal from an Affair" read. Apologies made to those in your life that were affected by the A. Friends and family that had to step in to hold you up and take up his slack. An NC letter expressing his deep regret to involve himself with so low a person that would befriend his wonderful wife then encourage his horrible choices, letting her know that even if you don't grace him with possible R, he never wants to associate with her again.

If he can't do those things, or what you decide you need to consider R, then he can't deal with the long haul of R.

I validate if you don't even want to attempt to R. Affairs are horrible things. Even more horrible when they leave their BS for the OP. when they abandon their family...I read those stories and rage sets in. Having a newborn and leaving...unspeakable.

Likewise, if you want to R, there is no shame in that. The shame is all his. Accepting him back once his actions prove worthy is understandable. We all have dreams of the future and rarely does that include a family torn apart.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11343 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, July 12th (Friday)

I can't stop thinking and thinking about what to do, meet, not meet. What is the point. I am so heartbroken. I think about how much I wish this never happened and all the hurt and betrayal. I feel like I want romance and someone who thinks I'm beautiful and can't imagine forgiving him for putting me second for all this time. Not even second, I was last! I was thrown to the side like a piece of garbage and ignored. He was so sure about his decision and seemed so relieved to go.

Perhaps what you can do before you meet is ask him to write you a letter and email it. In it he should write 1) the whys of what he did and 2) how he is different now.

If he writes that you are the reason he did it, you will know he is not a person who is really repentant.

If, however, he writes that his own selfishness, lack of morals, insanity (maybe due to the HCG, FOO issues, or some hidden problems he hadn't previously shared with you) are at the root of his decision to cheat, then you will know that he is beginning to break through his own mind fog.

If you do not read any good reasons as to why he is different now, you will know that he hasn't changed, and is prime for doing it again.

If, however you read that he is realizing how certain areas of his psyche are messed up and that he is committed to fixing himself, then you might feel his is sincere and that you can meet with him face to face.

At that first face-to-face, you probably need to tell him 1. How you felt when he left you (the above quote) and that 2. given what he did, you can no longer trust him, and need to know if he is willing to do whatever you need him to do to rebuild your trust.

Based on his answers, you can proceed with the D, or you can present him with a list of your conditions for R, including some sort of post-nup to protect you and your children in case he ever cheats again.

Sometimes it takes time for the WS to see the OP for what they really are, and to begin coming out of the fog. It took a long time for your WH, but he seems to be at the threshhold, and ready to give you some answers. Hopefully he won't TT you, but will come completely clean.

Only you know if WH's behavior was a deal breaker. However, I think that a few heart-to-hearts with him, to find out his why's, will help you decide if you can ever forgive him, or if it was a deal breaker.


Be strong, and trust yourself. You can love him, hate him, want to be with him, but be repelled by him and afraid to trust him, and feel all this at the same time. Don't stuff any of your feelings, and don't hide them from your WH either.

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 4:12 PM, July 12th (Friday)]


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, July 12th (Friday)

Very well said HurtButHopeful. I agree 110%

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, July 13th (Saturday)

Thank you so much! I've actually agreed to meet with him at the park with the baby to hand him off and talk. I have taken all your advice very seriously and will be strong but honest and plan to do mostly listening at this point. I will let you know how it goes.

Meeting in an hour. (I'm lookin good Anewday . Then I plan to go to the mall, maybe get some new makeup, new sunglasses and then meet up with a friend. Feeling pretty good, even after only sleeping two hours...out in NYC with girlfriends til 5 am....needed that!


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

Yay Jewlz! I'm so happy to hear you're feeling good today and that you went out and had fun last night. Good luck today. Come back and tell us all about it. (((Jewlz)))

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
dovetool
Member
Member # 37072
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

((Jewlz))

Always praying for you and your family. Hope all went well at your meeting today. Remember to take it slow. Everything you stated in your last post is how I felt... how I still do even in recovery. It's interesing how it takes a 180 or disinterested spouse to make them rethink their actions. I think it's not having that safety net anymore. If you've moved on then there is no one to catch him when/if he falls.

Take your time and figure out if you truely want this.Yes, he had an affair without considering you and he ended it without your input.

THIS is the time to be selfish and figure out what YOU want.

Its a long road to recovery and there will be times where you'll question why your there well into your second year. He'll need to be your rock to get you through those rough patches. And he'll have a lot of making it up to the kids and pray that it doesnt affect their relationship as they grow older.


Me BS: 29
Him WH: 35
OW: 40 was a "friend". Our sons were best friends.
Married 11 years
D-day: 12/05/12
D-day: of who it really was 08/2012
R: started in 03/2012
True recover September... rough at first for me since I wasnt sure about

Posts: 68 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: dovetool
dovetool
Member
Member # 37072
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

And hope you had a blast in NYC!


Me BS: 29
Him WH: 35
OW: 40 was a "friend". Our sons were best friends.
Married 11 years
D-day: 12/05/12
D-day: of who it really was 08/2012
R: started in 03/2012
True recover September... rough at first for me since I wasnt sure about

Posts: 68 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: dovetool
cass
Member
Member # 24261
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

Jewlz just read through the whole thread.

Please remember that he doesn't define you or your life. Those of us who have been around a while have read and heard a lot and your story is one of extreme disrespect for both you and your children at a time when you needed your H the most, the birth of a new baby, his baby.

We will be here for you every step of the way whatever you decide and you do not need to decide anything right now. You can take your time to listen, continue IC and even start MC but the control is with you, the timing of everything is with you. And the choices are yours to make.

Take good care of yourself and your children first and foremost. Protect yourself and your babies. If he is sincere he will show it by his actions but remember you are not and never will be anyone's back-up plan. You are worth more than that.

R is a hard road and not an easy option. Those in the R forum will keep you right and watch your back if you choose to go that route. He will need to look long and hard at why he did what he did, and the damage he did to you and the marriage through his selfishness.

Good luck and keep us posted.

((((Jewlz)))


DDay - April 2008
Me - 54 and doing great. Found myself again and loving life
Him - who??

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone (Johnny Nash)

Those who stir the shit soup get to lick the spoon!


Posts: 4977 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
OptimisticWife
Member
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, July 14th (Sunday)

Hope you're ok Jewlz and that you spoilt yourself at the mall x

Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, July 15th (Monday)

We met up on Saturday and it went well. No arguing. He definitely does want to try and work things out. I said things like, you have to be sure that you're willing to do the hard work and will be able to handle hearing about all the pain I've been through. He seemed like he was willing and he has told me that I can take as much time as I need and he doesn't expect anything from me. I told him I honestly don't know right now. We had the baby and we put him in the swing, walked. It started pouring rain and we hid under the playground and I said "this would be romantic if we were in love". He just said "well you said you still love me".

He brings up the relationship he had with OW often and talks about how bad it turned out, how horrible she turned out to be. All she does is drink whiskey, he would invite her and her kids over and 6 other people would show up. How many people live in her house and she wouldn't stop bothering him, she turned into almost a stalker. Now, all these things I could have told him (I knew her) but he still left me for her and didn't care. I need to tell him that I don't want to hear about her or her psycho behavior because it doesn't change the hurt. I think he thinks that it makes me feel better to know what a mess she is but the fact is I knew that. I told him that I was never jealous of her and always thought I was better. He said good. We also talked about how she didn't care. He said as soon as she got his number to schedule playdates (I guess that was the excuse they needed each other's number) that she didn't hesitate. He said he was still fighting it in December. So he had feelings for her when I was 9 months pregnant and was fighting them, Great! I knew it but hearing it hurts. Anyway we talked about how she doesn't care, no respect for me and he said "no, she doesn't" and I said "she will, when she grows up or when it happens to her". I hate her but I also can't be naive and believe him that she was the only one coming on to him...it takes two and he didn't fight it that hard obviously.

We texted Saturday night, let each other know what we were up to, he had the baby and I did get to go the mall (bought myself sunglasses, D&Gs ). I don't spoil myself like that usually but felt I deserved it. I went to the bookstore and picked up After the Affair and NOT Just Friends. I told him I did that. After the park I told him I wanted to lean over and kiss him and he replied he did too and "I miss you".

Ok, don't judge me, or actually yes judge me...I could lie and leave this part out but then I wouldn't get honest feedback from you awesome caring knowledgable and experienced people that I am SO grateful for. Saturday night I sent a text offering phone sex (been a long time for me and seeing him and knowing he's not with OW brought back so much). Well he didn't answer and I felt a little stupid but in the morning he texted and said he fell asleep with the baby early so I said, oh ok I wondered why you passed up my offer and he replied that I should come over. I know, at first I was like, he has nerve, and he does, but, I said to myself, this is for you, and I pushed all the pain and memories of the A aside and went and got what I longed for. For me. It was magical, amazing and at the same time, I felt like it wasn't me. I felt like I was watching someone else from up above. Afterwards, sitting talking, he was talking about mundane things and I was out of it a little and had to hold back from crying. I didn't know what the hell I was doing! I still don't.

So I don't know where to go, the divorce forum or the R forum. I think I will take a look in the R forum because I need the feelings I am having justified. The feelings that I deserve better, that it would be just as easy to move on and not R, that I'm not sure he's even the man I need and want. Do I just want him to be the guy for me but he's not? Am I just going to try R because HE wants to. I am honestly struggling with the fact that I think I want to move on with D but I can't bare to hurt HIM! And also, if I made that decision, what if I regretted it?

One positive thing is that I really do feel like if I decide not to R, I WILL be just fine. I really feel that now. I am there. If he was still with OW, I may not be, but knowing he's not with her, my head cleared quite a bit and I feel like my real feelings for him can be realized. With her, I just wanted him to want me. Now that he does want me back, I can choose.

Ugh, I am in hell! "If you're going through hell, keep going" right?


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, July 15th (Monday)

Jewlz,

I don't think you should be ashamed of anything you've done. This has been such a traumatic and confusing situation for you from the get-go. You do whatever it is you need to do to get some clarity. Being intimate with him may have actually been a good thing no matter which direction you take this because it helped you reclaim something important to you but it also revealed a lot about how you feel about him now. Keep on talking to your IC and everybody here. Don't feel rushed to make a decision - you may lean towards R today only to be all about D tomorrow. Do this on YOUR terms. Allow yourself to feel and don't hold back your emotions - they will guide you. You must also stay strong and firm to protect yourself and your children. This is not something he can just bounce back from like it never happened. He's in for a long haul in terms of cleaning up this mess and the bulk of the difficult dirty work rests on his shoulders, not yours.

I'm so happy you have found yourself (even if you don't quite see it this way) in a situation that isn't so hopeless now. The choices are truly yours now and that's something that you haven't had for quite some time now. I hope you can find some solice in that.

Has he made any appointments for IC? Have you talked to him about a formal NC letter? What kind of conditions for R have you communicated to him.

Good choice with the D&Gs! I'm a sunglass-snob. I have over 10 pairs! My fav is Prada. I bought a beautiful pair of Gucci in Rome last year. I always get compliments on my D&Gs though! Keep treating yourself to nice things - you'll be able to afford more once his ass starts paying you back for the funds he depleted from your savings. You did tell him he needed to do that, right? If not, that needs to be added to the list of conditions for R. If not, your lawyer should definitely make it a condition for D.


Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
OptimisticWife
Member
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, July 15th (Monday)

Hey Jewlz Good job spoiling yourself a little. It's great that you feel entitled give something to yourself. You do deserve it.

I'm not the best at giving advice but I just wanted to say that even though you feel confused, I hear so much strength and self care in your words.

I really do admire you and how you have handled yourself through this all.

I guess for me, the biggest struggle at the start of R was feeling like I was the biggest fool ever for staying in the marriage. I felt like my H got away with his A. I struggled with how it made me feel about myself. I questioned if I had any self respect left for choosing R.

I quickly learnt that my H definitely wasn't 'getting away with his A'. R is hard work. It's hard on both of us. I actually expected my H to leave once he realized how hard R was but he didn't. The shallow, selfish man I believed he was stepped up to the plate. He has opened right up to me. Told me of his CSA which was huge for him as he had never told a soul. He has shown personal growth beyond my expectations. I am so glad I decided to R. He is turning out to be an amazing H. I would never ever have believed he had it in him. I am still shocked at his progress so far. He/we still have work to do but we are quickly learning that there will always be work to do if we want to keep our marriage evolving happily and healthily.

I'm not telling you to choose R and who knows how your WH would cope with the workload of R. All I am saying is that if you feel he's finally getting it and you have any desire to R for you, not him, then maybe give yourself some time to test that road and see where it leads you. You can always file if in time you realize it's the right choice for you but while u have that seed of doubt, my advice would be to give yourself time to explore the possibility of R.
Maybe your WH will shock you as much as mine has, maybe he won't but I feel like time will give you a clearer answer.

All the best to you and may you find happiness for you and your children no matter what path you decide to take x


Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, July 15th (Monday)

Thanks so much both! Yes, he had called an IC on Thursday and texted me to tell me she didn't call her back. He sounded anxious actually about it so yes, he wants to get in asap. I did email him before we met up and brought up the NC letter but since he got his new phone said he didn't get the email and I didn't bring it up in conversation because he told me how things ended up so bad and how he told her she was the worst mistake he ever made in his life to her face.

As far as conditions, I guess I didn't really list any out except for letting him know that he really needs to be ready for hard work. He said one of his worries is that I will never trust him.

I do have conditions though and we will definitely have to talk more. I want us to get closer to God, pray. We've never done this, never gone to church together or even talked about religion. Access to his phone, paying back the money. This is going to be another problem as he is still complaining that he can barely afford to eat.

Am I going to be rolling my eyes for years? I am afraid he doesn't know what he's in for. But Optimistic's post is great about how her H turned around from a selfish person to really showing he has what it takes to be strong. I also feel the same way, like what am I crazy? He gets to have this whirlwind romance and passion with some whore and what did I get? I got spit up on and changed diapers and major depression, up at night, anxiety, no appetite while he was doing who knows what? I feel like I want a new romance. Experience a new body and hate him for like you said, "getting away with it". So thank you, because you are right, he really is not going to get away with it, is he?

Another issue is our family, especially mine and my mother. She had to step in and help take care of the kids while he was off with this OW and watched me cry and suffer and just him wanting to R angered her tremendously and as I tried to tell her some things he said, she wouldn't even let me finish or say how I felt but just say "liar liar" or some mean comment. She HATES him, does not want to look at him and she has given me the cold shoulder since Saturday now because I told her I didn't know what to do. She has her mind made up and in fact throughout this whole time, even when his grandmother or father would call and say maybe he will come back, I'd hear my mother say, "oh no, she's not going back, it's over." She has been set on this and will disown me I think if I even meet with him.

So now, my mother who's been with me and there for me, I have to practically lie to about my whereabouts and what I'm doing and thinking. Nothing will be easy. The whole town and our whole family know everything! I will look like the biggest fool I'm sure.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, July 15th (Monday)

Right now, don't worry about what ANYBODY thinks. Eff the town! You do what your gut tells you to do without the outside pressure from others. Only heed the advice of others when you've ASKED for it. I think it's important for you to sit down with your mother and talk to her about all of the things you've learned here. All of the emotions you're feeling. Thank her for all of the support she's lent you. Thank her for being the best kind of mother there is. Tell her that her strength and support through all of this has showed you the kind of mother YOU want to be - one who makes sacrifices, stays strong and fights, and who supports her children through thick and thin. Tell her that you need her to keep an open mind and continue to be supportive throughout this ordeal. Tell her it's not over yet - that you need some time to work through the emotions you were never given the opportunity to work through. Tell her that there's a pretty good possibility that you won't take him back because there's been so much damage done. Tell her that the road to R will be very rough for him if you choose that is the route you need to explore. Tell her that HE will need to face her sometime soon and that will most likely be his first taste of the hell that R can be. Tell her that she is entitled to venting her hurt and anger when that happens - no holding back; however, she must respect the route you are taking (R or D) and that once she's expressed her feelings to your WH, she must work to heal herself and her relationship with him if R is what you choose.
Make sure you tell your mother that if R is ultimately the route you choose, you will go into it a different person. You will always put you and your children's security first, ready for anything that may be thrust upon you unexpectedly. You will always be ready to cast your WH out of your life forever at the drop of a hat with no worries about how you'll survive without him. She needs to feel like you're in a solid, secure place. She needs to feel like you're not vulnerable to being destroyed any further. She's your mother and she loves you more than anyone or anything in this world. Reassure her that you now have all the control. Invite her to be a part of the healing process - no matter if it's R or D.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, July 15th (Monday)

Anewday, thank you so much! Perfect, I needed that. I was thinking that too, that soon he will need to talk to her and apologize deeply and she will get her chance to express her anger I'm sure. This will be difficult for him for sure. He is the master of avoiding conflict like this (obviously, since he cheated instead of working on our issues). I appreciate your post! I may even need to refer to it when I speak to her!


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, July 15th (Monday)

p.s. Can a person really have a "whirlwind romance and passion" with a whore? I think not. It was just cheap, dirty lust. Your husband went off the deep end and thought there was a more carefree and fun life out there for him. When reality hit, he realized she's nothing but a POS whore. He also realized that his life at home - with YOU and your children - was not so bad. Maybe it went on so long because he realized how bad he messed up and that you probably wouldn't take him back. I suspect that's what keeps a lot of cheating husbands/wives away for so long - they think that it's over without even considering the possibility that their BWs/BHs might take them back with some hard work and dedication on their parts.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, July 15th (Monday)

Remember, your mother felt POWERLESS when she saw you broken for all these months. She needs to feel like she's regained some kind of control too. I think it's up to you to help her realize that she's regained that control. What better way for her to get that feeling than to not only tell her all those things I pointed-out, but also allow her to get him face-to-face and give him a piece of her mind. Just let your WH know that it's one of the conditions you have for R and that he's going to have to suck it up and take it. Perhaps he should go through a few IC sessions before your mother gets her hands on him! He might need the strength only a professional can help him find in order to face mama bear!!

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, July 15th (Monday)

Yes, it WAS a lot of what you said I think. He thought he wanted that fun carefree life. I said to him about it being new and fun. And he said "yeah, for a minute". He said he doesn't know why he ever wanted to be alone. He said that everything since he left and was with her seemed "upside down". But, what also really hurt (and these little pieces of info trickle out and they seem innocent at the time but then fester) was that he said he went to a spanish club with her, twice. This is a guy who rides a back hoe, hunts, a total white guy hick and who dislikes spanish music and would never even dance with me. Because I happen to like spanish music and dancing. So this hurt, that he went and did that with her. He said he did not dance and didn't enjoy it, especially the second one but ugh.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, July 15th (Monday)

I get why you could get sucked into being intimate with him, but suggest that both of you get tested for STDs.

Sorry, but this troll he's been with sounds nasty.

Protect yourself.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17811 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Yes Faithfool, I believe you are right. He said he doesn't need to be, not sure what that means. I think he thinks it's not possible or would never happen to him but I am going to bring it up again. I would be so embarassed to go to my ob/gyn who just delivered my 4th child for that. The receptionist was going on about how nice it was that we were still together for so long.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Just remember...he is telling you he's willing to do the hard work to R..he's willing to listen to your pain...it's very easy to say something,and harder to follow through.

He's already balking at the STD test.

It takes 3-5 years to heal from this..and it is HARD.

Is he really willing to do the work? Maybe.

He doesn't have to come home..he can do alot of the hard work without living with you...give it time..make him prove it to you...make him earn it...he has a VERY long way to go.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8091 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Jewlz - Part of Reconciliation is to be completely honest in every regard with one another. That means he needs to cover the base of getting tested for STD. Also the lesson in this for him is that he very well could have gotten something. Condoms are not 100% effective. Plus it will be humiliating to him. Bottom line, it is necessary for everyone's health.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Thank you, absolutely. He has a 12 month lease on this new place of his so he can stay there. For sure. She has been there and met his neighbors and all so when I was there, I felt like an idiot. I introduced myself to the neighbor when I pulled up in my car "hi, I'm WHs wife, or ex wife" and smiled. I knew she probably had met skank whore whiskey bitch and her kids. It was quite embarassing but it's not like I don't know about the OW and I'm just there. I said that to him as I was leaving and there were more neighbors outside, said I was nervous because they've met her. And he says "they've only met her like 3 times". GRRRR

What the hell am I doing? I swear, I felt the the dirty OW in his life and he was cheating on her!

Yeah, he thinks the STD check is funny, I know it's not and you're right. He also got me pregnant with our two last children on accident so he doesn't think about these things and I'm sure he didn't wear "one" with her. I'm sure. I don't even want to ask because I don't want to hear him admit it. You're so right and making him go get tested will make the reality of the disgustingness real to him. I was thinking with my heart and lust yesterday, not with my brain.

[This message edited by Jewlz at 12:54 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Tell him you want to see those test results,in writing,from the doctor. They can print them off easy-peasy.

You are not the OW. You are his wife. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Hold your head high. HE should be ashamed.

Im worried that he thinks you wanting him to get tested is "funny." He fucked a whore. Ask him why it's funny.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8091 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Jewlz,
For sure get the STD test, and require it of him as part of R.

I can totally understand your desiring to be intimate...you L him, and what better way to show one's love? Don't beat yourself up. Try to not be physical again, though, until you get the results from the STD tests.

Yes, it stinks that his neighbors knew OW first...or at all. You are not the OW, you are his rightful W, and I'm sure the neighbors who know, get that.

Of course it doesn't matter what they think, but after what you've been through, you don't need more prying eyes and whispers making you feel worse than you already do. Don't beat yourself up for worrying about how you might look to them...your feelings and thoughts are normal.

You mom is understandably worried for you. She is probably also worried for herself. She can't bear to go through another breakup either...she was right there with you, helping keep things together. Whatever you do, don't lie to her. She'll feel disrespected, and you'll look like a child to her, and she'll feel betrayed.

Have a heart-to-heart with her, before she talks with your H. Tell her how much you appreciate her, and you know H's actions hurt her too. Tell her you L your H, and that you might want to give him another chance, based on how he handles things now. Tell her you aren't going to choose between the two of them, as long as H behaves properly from now on, you choose your mom and him.

You're doing things right...you were during the A, and you are now.

Big hug for you, (((((Jewlz)))))


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, July 15th (Monday)

(((Jewlz)))

It sounds like his fog is clearing, and he may be willing to make an effort to R. It's completely up to YOU. Not him, not your mom, not the town. This is your decision to make.

Think about what you truly need and want from him for R to even be possible. Clearly outline those things, and be ready to follow through with consequences if he chooses to not follow through, or waffle on them.

You have been amazingly strong throughout this. Remember there was something fundamentally broken within him that led him to make the choices he has made, and until he understands what it is, and works to fix it you are leaving yourself open to him repeating it.

Your mom is concerned because she has seen her baby girl (and yes even now you are still her baby) go through pain and anguish that no one should, along with disrespect, and abuse. It is a hard thing for a parent to watch. But if your H really really gets it, and you guys are able to really R. She will back you up. He needs to apologize to her in a very sincere heartfelt manner as well.

My Mother has a very good respect for my H. She was mad as hell when it all went down, but she see how he has fixed himself, and our marriage, and that I am happy and healthy. She has a healthy respect for what he has done. It took some time, but not forever.

I would not cancel the D at this point if I were you, and take it all with a cautious optimism, but remember to protect your heart.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, July 15th (Monday)

This could have been an early-onslaught mid-life crisis. I think this happens to more women and men than is reported. I think a new baby can bring it to a head faster and more aggressively - I'm by NO MEANS making excuses for him btw because the way he handled it couldn't be ANY worse. Perhaps in your WH's case, he found himself in the perfect storm. Here he's spiraling into a mid-life crisis and, conveniently, along comes an amoral skank who is, at least on the surface, coming from the same place. Wow, she just so happens to be married with 4 kids too! I guess if we do this, it'll be easier for me because I won't feel like so much of a scumbag for betraying my wife and kids because she's doing the same thing. At least I won't be the only one. Thing is, none of this was EVER about her. She didn't have anything special that lured him away from you. She was available and willing at a time that he was weak, lost, and confused. If it weren't her, it would have been some other common gutter trash. So, she doesn't hold a candle to you - REMEMBER THAT! He went to a Spanish club with her? You actually think SHE managed to bring that type of adventurous side out of him? I'm telling you, it WAS NOT her. All she symbolized to him was a ticket out of daddy-husbandland to single-bachelordom (or BachelorDUMB). He went to that club with her, not to appease her or because he was actually interested in doing something that she enjoyed - he did it to maintain the false symbol of his "freedom." I will add, this is just one of the many things that most likely made him change his mind about her and I'm speaking from experience. Let me tell you how I know: A couple of years ago, I was feeling down about being single. All my friends were in relationships and I hadn't been in a serious relationship for YEARS. I was beginning to feel like there was something wrong with me - like I wasn't "normal." I was feeling all this external pressure to conform to what I perceived to be "normal" - being in a committed, serious relationship. So, I started talking to a guy and only kind of liked him. One day he called me and asked me if I wanted to go rock climbing at some indoor climbing place. I am NOT the rock-climbing type. AT ALL. Because I felt an internal pressure to make this potentially new relationship work (because it symbolized the "normalcy" I was so hell-bent on establishing in my life), I agreed. Let me tell you, I got halfway up that wall and in my head it clicked - "this SOOOOOO isn't going to work." It took a few more situations/things/activities for me to become certain that we were just incompatible before I finally ended it; however, as effective as those situations/things/activities were in terms of proving to me that we were incompatible, what truly helped me end it was when I finally became comfortable with my own reality and stopped chasing after the reality of everybody else in my life - the reality being that I was single and hadn't found the right person yet and that was OK. I realized that I don't have to fit the mold anybody else projects. My life is MINE and I was where I was supposed to be the whole time. I also realized that the grass is always greener from the other side: being in a relatioship takes compromise and I did not want to compromise with somebody who shared such starkly different interests from my own.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
dovetool
Member
Member # 37072
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)

((Jewlz))

Glad the ball is in your court now. Take the time to figure out what you want and I wouldnt let any family or community members influence your decision. His relationship with your family is HIS to repair. He has to know that and how important it is to you as you start R, if you decide to start it. My husband had a lot to deal with when it came to my siblings and friends and it has taken over a year for those relationships to heal. My siblings still dont like him but are cordial enough for me and the kids.

As far as him getting away with the affair... it feels like it sometimes. I feel like he is too sometimes. But I think they lose a lot too because of the affair. Not nearly as much as us... but they do.

We never really look at them the same. They're grown men that have to check in now and let us have full access to their things. They lose respect from family, friends, community and most importantly their own children. And all that loss can not be blamed circumstances out of their control but because of the actions they consciously decided to take.


Me BS: 29
Him WH: 35
OW: 40 was a "friend". Our sons were best friends.
Married 11 years
D-day: 12/05/12
D-day: of who it really was 08/2012
R: started in 03/2012
True recover September... rough at first for me since I wasnt sure about

Posts: 68 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: dovetool
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Everything in my mind is telling me that R is impossible. I feel like he is saying things but not really meaning or feeling it. He says he isn't going anywhere (same thing he said when he told me he was leaving me a month before Dday so whatever). And he says he'll give me all the time I need and wait however long it takes and that he just wants us back. I am starting to feel though that I'm still in love with him and he is not with me. I think he just wants his life back to normal because he feels so upside down with the crazy choices he's made and it has less to do with loving and missing me. He said last night that he misses me and says "that's a good sign, right?" Sign of what? I guess I was just expecting more from him. Maybe expecting too much too soon.

Yesterday, his cousin's wife came to talk to me at work here and asked me if they went to the same gym together. I said yes, she goes to the same gym that he used to go to until he switched to another one so yes they probably did go to the same one. I hadn't even REALLY thought about this before because I thought I knew when they started talking. I asked her why and the look on her face scared me. She said she heard her husband talking about my H messing around with someone at the gym and this was before football/cheer season she thought. She said she thinks this all started a long time ago and that they pretended to just meet on the field in front of me. Now all kinds of things are running through my mind. Did they befriend before I thought in late fall? Did their EA start way earlier than December because he did say he was "still fighting it in December" in regard to his interest in her. Whore wouldn't stop texting him he says.

I don't know what the hell to believe anymore and I'm honestly sick of it. I'm 35 years old, with a full time job and 4 kids and and really don't need to be checking his phone and worrying about this bullshit! I don't need it. I deserve a fresh start and romance. I hate him and he has nothing to f'n offer me. I hate myself for even feeling sorry for him. Do I want someone I feel sorry for? Someone I have to constantly comfort, even after HE had an A!!! WTF am I even doing?

I can't believe I even texted him "I love you" last night and he hasn't responded. So, I already feel like giving up and that I am going to get hurt by even believing his intentions are sincere. My mother may be right, he is still a liar. Plus, the ongoing talking about how bad OW turned out, like he is trying to make me feel bad for him. Poor me, my girlfriend didn't work out, I've had it so rough.

As much as I can't imagine my life without him right now, I am having a hard time imagining him in it and ever forgiving or not being angry. You think he could have at least bought me f'n flowers by now. Hello?

I also gave him back the ring he gave me in the hospital on Xmas morning and he took it. We both acknowledged that it meant nothing. He said he didn't even remember it. I told him that day was the happiest day and the day after was one of the worst. The pain in my heart and hallowness in my chest is unreal just thinking of it. I don't think this man will EVER begin to understand my pain.

He has his first session in IC tomorrow and I think this is all it will be for now. He wants to come by and see the kids and I tonight after work. I think I'm going to 180 hard.

[This message edited by Jewlz at 9:39 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Ok Jewelz, hugs, hugs, hugs to you. Yes, 180 now! I think so much has happened so quickly that you need a break. He doesn't sound remorseful and the things he's saying/doing and not saying/not doing are only making you upset. Can you go NC with him unless it's about kids for even a week? Just tell him you need space to think and clear your mind. Spend as much time as you can taking care of you. Get a facial, massage or pedicure (or all three) and have some pampering done! You don't have to make any decisions right now. Try to get some peace and quiet. Maybe pick up a good book and let your mind go elsewhere if you can...
Hugs. Hugs. Hugs.

Lastly, can you contact your cell company and get the records from last year?


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 275 | Registered: Mar 2013
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)

He doesn't care about me, he just wants his life back to normal. I can't stop thinking about how when the baby was only a week old and I couldn't even nap with him, because I'd be thinking and crying about her being in my home when I was in the hospital and I even mentioned it to him and said to him how I already had suspicion because of what I saw and how he could have told me then. But he didn't, he wasn't thinking of me, he was thinking of him, him and her and protecting his little secret, even after seeing me in pain. I just can't f'n do this shit! I'm soooo mad.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Revenge  Posted: 11:01 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Jewlz

Don't be too hard on yourself. You are still on the rollercoaster and it takes a long time to depart only to get on again even if you don't want to.

You are hurt and scared and you loved your husband. All perfectly understandable.

What he has put you and your kids through is horrid.

I hope he can get some clarity through IC but for now you have to try and remain strong.

He has to prove through his actions that he is even worth considering. By not even texting you back, really?

That sounds terribly selfish. He only wants to know he has you as an option, under his conditions.

Take the power back and define YOUR conditions.

You are stronger than you ever thought you were. Keep your head held high. You did nothing wrong. He did.

One day at a time. Good luck. We are here and rooting you on.

Healthy hugs.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Jewlz, I have a feeling you're going to be on this rollercoaster for a while now that OW is out of the picture. From what you describe, your mixed emotions are completely normal. I urge you to proceed with caution with him. He could very well be feeling sorry for his current sad state of affairs and realizes that getting back with you could remedy that situation quite a bit. You have to think about what's best for you and the kids right now. Again, he needs to get his ass into counseling, and as an outsider looking in, I don't think you'll be able to move forward with anything but D until he gets his head right.

Remember, that just because you love him doesn't mean that you have to be with him. You need to take advantage of this time to achieve a few things:
1. True independence - You need to prove to yourself that you'll be able to make it on your own without him regardless of whether you ultimately R or D.
2. Personal growth - You need to have more girls' nights out and widen your sphere of friends. Invest in some fun. Invest in your spirit. Invest in your appearance. Do things that make YOU feel good. This is NOT about reconnecting with him - it's about reconnecting AND reclaiming YOU. What is your custody arrangement like now? Does he get the kids every week or every other week? If I were you, I'd see to it that he takes them more often so you can have some adult time. You need to get out and have some time for you to make a life for yourself beyond being mommy. You didn't make those kids by yourself, so he needs to step-up and start being a father to them. Go out with your friends. Make new ones. Have fun!
3. Emotional stability - Continue to vent your emotions/frustrations/confusions with your friends, family, IC, and your friends here. You need to be able to talk about these things with people who have your best interests at heart. The more you reach out for support and advice, the more you'll receive. Don't feel pressured to make a decision. You may decide that R is a possibility today; however, next week/month/year/decade you may decide that he's not worth the work and you're over him. That's for YOU to decide when YOU feel as though YOU have enough clarity to make a solid decision.
4. GET ANSWERS - That mother effer needs to start talking. Get the answers you need to make a more informed decision - and, again, that's not to say that you have to make your decision immediately. Make him write you a timeline, mull over the facts, and continue to do 1-3 until you feel comfortable making a decision. Talk to other people (i.e. his cousin's wife) and find out exactly what they know if that's what you feel you need to do.
5. No Pity - Do NOT let his sorry state of affairs guilt you into being easy on him or feeling like you're obligated to take him back. He ADMITTED that he knew what he was doing but did it anyway. The thing is, he didn't just do this to you, he did this to HIS OWN CHILDREN. That should be more than enough for you to show him absolutely no pity for "feeling alone" or "needing somebody to tell him there's a light at the end of the tunnel." He doesn't deserve your pity right now. He doesn't deserve the comfort you can provide. He deserves uncertainty. He deserves shame. He deserves a sense of loss and dispair. Let him experience those emotions as you have for so many months now and just remember one thing while he's wallowing in it all - HE ACTUALLY DESERVES IT!


Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

P.S. You NEED to get that ring back so you can pawn it and replenish some of the money he stole from you! Frankly, if I were you, I'd pawn my diamond engagement ring too. If you decide to get back with him, he can buy you a new one.
Take any money you get from it and open a joint bank account with your mother so he can't touch it.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

P.S. You NEED to get that ring back so you can pawn it and replenish some of the money he stole from you! Frankly, if I were you, I'd pawn my diamond engagement ring too. If you decide to get back with him, he can buy you a new one.

I thought the same thing when I read that you had given it back...it is yours...you two weren't dating, and you had not obligation to give it back...it was bought with your money anyway!

You are so far along on your way to putting you life together without WH...keep working toward that. If you later believe he has really changed, loves you and wants to be with you, you can M him again.

You are strong, and you deserve to be happy...alone or at least with someone you can trust, and who cherishes you.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

Anewday has it 100% right! Hear, hear! Jewlz, my heart goes out to you. Separate your heart from his. He doesn't deserve ANYTHING from you right now. Kids and finances. Tell him you need a break from the drama, and he can get back to you once the mind-fucking stops. He's a mess and has nothing to offer you right now, and if he had any humility or real empathy for YOU and the pain he's caused YOU, he would realize that and stay away until he's figured himself out.

Your anger is so healthy. Tap into that.

((((hugs))))

[This message edited by Blobette at 8:14 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

He hadn't texted or called and never came by on Tuesday. He came to pick up the kids normal time last night and when he dropped them off we talked. I told him I hadn't heard from him for two days after daily "good mornings" and contact and he started saying his phone died but then said he's trying to give me space and take it slow. He wants to do things right. But he did not go to IC. Said he rescheduled for next week. That was really important for me for him to go but ok. I brought up the gym thing and he said he only saw her one time at the gym and there was no other woman. Started saying how I'm going to believe what I want.

I told him to go back to his whiskey whore and he said ďwhy are you being so mean?Ē I broke down, went off. ďBecause Iím angry and hurtÖI wanted to grow old with you, I am so scared that I will never forgive you, so scared that I will hate you forever. You are not the man I thought you were and Iím so disappointed. I want you to put yourself in my shoes for a minute and have to sit here and think about someone you knew having sex with me, cumming all over me. I hate her, I want to kill her. I sat at XXXís house, just a few days after finding out and I was crying, breastfeeding, could barely breath and her daughter left to go shopping and called us and said she saw her at Joyce Leslie shopping for clothes! You donít even like Spanish music and you went to Spanish clubs with her?!! You two are out clubbing while I canít even go grocery shopping without having a panic attack. She didnít give a $hit about me and neither did you!Ē and I walked inside. He sat and listened with his head down..I heard him whisper "I'm sorry" in there somewhere. He just left when I went inside. He doesnít or wonít know how to handle any of this, my anger, my hurt. He canít handle it. He wants easy. He wonít tell me what the reason was he cheated but he says he was unhappy. Ok.

I texted that I canít do this, that if I didnít know how unhappy he was, I wonít know next time until heís in bed with the next whore and that he left me for her and now that it didnít work, Iím some back up plan? That Iím 35 with 4 kids and a career and donít need to be checking up on my husbands cell phone, wondering if heís where he says and lies and bullshit.

He didn't reply. Now I'm afraid in a way that I pushed him away. At the same time, I feel good about leaving him with uncertainty and giving him a peice of what it was like for me. It feels like I haven't even begun to explain what it was like and what I went through. When I mentioned some things on Saturday, I was calm and almost sarcastic but last night, I was tearful and serious! Hurt was pouring out of me and he felt it. If it scares him off, so be it.

I'm so down, feel so hopeless. I want to respect and love him the way I did before so bad, but it's gone. How will I ever listen to him talk about his hunting trip with excitement and happiness for him? How will I care about how his day went? All I am is disappointed and angry and I feel like plan B. I deserve more than that but I miss him so much and want my family back together.

IC tonight (because it's important and I make sacrifices to go to it!!!)

[This message edited by Jewlz at 8:38 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

(((Jewlz)))
You have been amazing through all of this, and quite honestly I think you have nothing to be ashamed of or embarassed about.
He came to you on "bended knees" tell you he saw the error of his ways, and you were willing to give him a chance. Unfortunately he was not honest. With you, or himself.

Of course you wanted to give him the opportunity. Nothing wrong there. You weren't given that when he left.

Now you can decide what you want, it seems like he kinda gets it, but not really. I say stay the course (road to D) and if he defoggs, and eventually gets it, then it's completely up to you what to do with that.

You are an amazing woman, and you will be fine on your own. You will be one of those ladies that when the newbies in similar shoes join that will really be able to show them that it's not the end of the world, and that you can survive, and become an even stronger woman from it.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
ambull29
New Member
Member # 39689
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

I've been reading your thread since you first posted. I'm so sorry to hear about what you went through, and are still going through

I admire your strength (I know you feel as though you have NO strength, but you DO)! I just wanted to comment and tell you that almost word for word how you feel about your husband is exactly how I feel. Every time I read a post of yours, it's like it came out of my mouth.

My H and I are in R, but it's very scary and it's still not something that I feel will work in the end? I'm about to have a baby in T-minus 1 week...this has been going on my entire pregnancy (the A has), found out at 7 months pregnant. It's been the most devastating experience I could ever imagine, and each new day brings about new fears and concerns about the future. I also feel that there is a good possibility that my H is "fighting for us" only b/c the OW is finalllly done with this mess...and that's hurtful. He was head over heels for her :( He tried to leave me a couple times and came back.

Anywho, this post isn't intended to be about me, just wanted you to know that I relate to you. I'm 35 as well. One day you want him so badly, you want it desperately to work and the next you question if that's ever going to happen. The blind trust, the innocent love feels so far gone :( I know how you feel when you get really honest with him and then fear you pushed him away! You want him to FIGHT for you, and when he is just real passive about it, it's so hurtful. I would absolutely insist your H goes to IC as a requirement for R!

Please know that I'm praying for you and your kids. I'm not sure if you're spiritual at all, but just so you know...God knows exactly where you are right now...and He will give you the grace and the strength to conquer each day


Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Asheville, NC
sammie
Member
Member # 7785
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

Oh hon. I think he is still lying. And still manipulating. And possibly still seeing/talking to her.

And his going on and on about how bad she was, well, what if she wasnt? Would he stil l be with her? Everything he said was about HIM, and how HE FELT because of the way she behaved! Not about how wonderful you are, or how much he missed you - just that she upset him so he was coming back to you!

Fuck that shit.

I think you are right to tread very, very carefully. Your mother is 100% correct in my opinion. And the fact he didnt go to IC - well, that says it all really.

Hugs, hugs and more hugs.


If someone loves you, it should feel like they love you.
Never give more of yourself than you are getting back.

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." ~Ernest Hemingway


Posts: 5818 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Australia
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Shocked  Posted: 9:24 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

Oh Jewlz

My heart aches for you. It does. I am so sorry for all you've been through and continue to go through, especially without true input from your WH.

I want to respect and love him the way I did before so bad, but it's gone

It is gone and only he, through his actions can restore it. It will never be the same but it can be different.

I know it is so hard to let go but try the NC with him unless it pertains to the kids at this point. He is stringing you along and this only causes you more heartache.

Stay strong and know that you matter.

(((hugs and prayers)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

((((((jewlz)))))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8091 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Angry  Posted: 10:19 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

Ok, so NC. Even if he contacts me...no reply. Like he does so well. Thank you all so much!


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

Sammie has a good point here:
And his going on and on about how bad she was, well, what if she wasnt? Would he still be with her? Everything he said was about HIM, and how HE FELT because of the way she behaved! Not about how wonderful you are, or how much he missed you - just that she upset him so he was coming back to you!

I'd throw that in his face the next time he tries to pull the pity card.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
grace68
Member
Member # 28241
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

Oh hon. I think he is still lying. And still manipulating. And possibly still seeing/talking to her.
And his going on and on about how bad she was, well, what if she wasnt? Would he stil l be with her? Everything he said was about HIM, and how HE FELT because of the way she behaved! Not about how wonderful you are, or how much he missed you - just that she upset him so he was coming back to you!

Fuck that shit.

I think you are right to tread very, very carefully. Your mother is 100% correct in my opinion. And the fact he didnt go to IC - well, that says it all really.

Hugs, hugs and more hugs.

x2

It shouldn't matter if she was mean, nice, bad...whatever. It should be about missing and wanting to be with his family. You are so much better than a back up plan.

I'm so very sorry. Focus on yourself and your kids. Lean on your friends and family for support. Let him come to you on his knees with a full understanding of what he has done. Until then, NC and 180 except kids and finances.


Me - BS
Him - Doesn't Matter
Status: Divorced

Posts: 109 | Registered: Apr 2010
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

Completely agree. He did say how no one could raise these kids better and that he's always loved me (wow. gotta funny way of showing love), I've always been beautiful to him. But yeah, at the park he was saying how she's this and that and I said "well you should have thought about that before you F'd her".

I am totally turned off and shocked by the complaining of the OW and that's why I said I'm not plan B. So she is a partygirl, alcoholic who "pawns her kids off whenever she can" and turned out to be almost to the point of stalker. And "she's a nanny!" he says. I said "it doesn't matter if she was a lawyer". He doesn't get it. If she didn't turn out to be this hot mess, he'd probably still be with her because it's not me he realized he missed and loved. It's the fact that they didn't work out, he's broke, alone, and he realized he blew up his life for that. Misses his kids. Missed out on his new baby (who now he can't stop bragging about how beautiful he is. When he was newborn, he would barely want to be near him.)

When I was at his apartment he was saying things like "we'll get out of that house and live here until the lease is up" talking about how nice it is for the kids there. Saying how I'll be there now when I expressed my concern about OW meeting the neighbors. So what she was here "you'll be here now". I think I have really given in to him for way too long that he expects it. My heart is breaking because I don't know anything else but I can't let him use me like this anymore. Manipulative! Selfish! OMG!

Vent: I am thinking today about the day at the talent show..I was 8 1/2 months pregnant. He was sitting to my right two seats over, OW was sitting behind us, to my left. I look at her, she's holding her phone toward her, texting. I look at him, he's holding his phone toward him so I can't see. Did they f'n get off on this? Like, she's right there, no one will ever know we're texting each other! They sat next to each other in front of everyone we know at the school for movie night in March. It had to be, at least for her, this exciting thing to be so secretive.

I recently told him how she would stare at my face oddly when we talked, especially this one time. He thought about that and said to me at the park how she WAS weird and he noticed she did that with other people too. OK, well I knew this, it's too late, he left me for nuts. Why did he use her? Why is he telling me now how she was? Why does this crazy bitch have to be a part of my life forever?! He LEFT me for this woman and now that she's not who he thought, I should feel for him, believe that it was all because he was unhappy, it was the marriage, and we should work it out. I am not denying our marriage wasn't perfect, BUT crossing boundaries with her had more to do with his decision to be weak than how unhappy he was. He's not getting away with that excuse. And I was pregnant! BE unhappy for a little while and be there for your pregnant wife. Nope, he had to have her over as soon as I gave birth. As soon as I'm hooked up to IV, bleeding postpartum and taking care of our newborn in the FUCKING hospital. They are playing Just Dance 2, watching movies and eating pizza in MY house that I cleaned for the holidays. My gifts waiting for me under the tree! My wedding pictures hanging on the wall! BITCH! She stole my life!


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

OMG, something evil just crossed my mind. He said he won't tell me the reason he did it. She wanted my life and he has admitted she was stalking my FB and that she wanted him. Could he have done this on purpose to punish me? In his sick mind, something with the MLC, he resented me for his life and she was a way to get back at me??? OMG!


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Angry  Posted: 11:34 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

Jewlz

She didn't steal your life. She wanted your life but it is still your life. Just looks a whole lot different these days.

I am glad that you found your anger bc your husband is no where near being out of the fog. It is all about him. It should be all about YOU.

He made some horrible, horrible, choices and decisions and he has yet to realize the impact of those.

I too, HATE IT, that the OW was in my house, where our family lives and my children's pictures are everywhere. This still makes my blood boil. Who can do that? No moral code at all. F'ing unbelievable.

Stay strong. You're better than both of them and you know it.

(((hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

I think he did this on purpose. He is saying things now like "he's always wanted me". He just didn't know how and wasn't getting what he wanted from me so he did this on purpose.

I thought it was weird that his dad even said "it's like he's punishing you for something". He did speak to his dad.

Ugh, I need a Xanax, I think this is it!


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

He said he won't tell me the reason he did it

WTFE.

That is a child's response. Like he's got a secret and he isn't going to tell you.

I can tell you why he did it...because he is a selfish narcissist. He is his own universe and everything should revolve around him.

Keep moving forward with the D.

((healthy hugs and prayers))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're getting ahead of us here. Can you elaborate on this a little more because I don't think you've touched much on this in your past posts. Give us the back-story/details on why you think this:
OMG, something evil just crossed my mind. He said he won't tell me the reason he did it. She wanted my life and he has admitted she was stalking my FB and that she wanted him. Could he have done this on purpose to punish me? In his sick mind, something with the MLC, he resented me for his life and she was a way to get back at me??? OMG!

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
grace68
Member
Member # 28241
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

Nope, he had to have her over as soon as I gave birth. As soon as I'm hooked up to IV, bleeding postpartum and taking care of our newborn in the FUCKING hospital. They are playing Just Dance 2, watching movies and eating pizza in MY house that I cleaned for the holidays. My gifts waiting for me under the tree! My wedding pictures hanging on the wall! BITCH! She stole my life!

This makes me so angry. Men who cheat on their pregnant wives are a special breed of loser.

But she didn't steal your life. Not even close. There's no way she can steal your life because she's not you. I know you're in too much emotional turmoil to realize this right now but there is an exceptional amount of strength and clarity in your posts. With a new baby no less! Based on your WH's current behavior she didn't take anything from you, she just helped you get rid of the trash.

My thoughts are with you and your children.


Me - BS
Him - Doesn't Matter
Status: Divorced

Posts: 109 | Registered: Apr 2010
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

I'm sorry, just getting overwhelmed and overthinking maybe. She had been liking my pics on FB a lot and just picking up my kids all the time. I think back and I feel like she wanted to be in my life with him, replace me. Maybe just how I felt, but she gives off that stalkerish vibe. Anyway, when I told him she was on my FB liking my pics and some of these things I noticed, he said "I know".

Before I found out about OW, and he was telling me he was leaving, he acted angry and said "maybe I resent you".

Yes, he's a total Narc.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Well my dear, I think you nailed it in your last post.

He is a Narc. It's all about him, and his needs, and his dick. FTG.

She did not steal your life, she may have gotten a glimpse of how awesome you are, but I guarantee she is no where near the person you, and therefore, can't have the life you had, and the great life you will moving forward.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Hmmmm, so he dumped her because of this:
So she is a partygirl, alcoholic who "pawns her kids off whenever she can" and turned out to be almost to the point of stalker. And "she's a nanny!" he says.

And now he expects you to take him back and relieve him of the sorrowful mess he's created for himself when all he's proven to you is that he is a selfish pig who abandons his pregnant wife and kids whenever a willing, warm body shows the slightest bit of interest in him and turns out to be a complete dead-beat dad while acting like an involved father with HER kids. So with all that said, why should YOU not dump HIM!?
Seriously, fuck him to hell and back.

[This message edited by anewday78 at 1:50 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]


Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

By the way, has he attempted to talk to your oldest son yet? He's got A LOT of hard work and explaining to do there. That is one relationship he HAS to repair. How does your son feel about his dad trying to come back? Does he know the OW's children? Don't they go to the same school? Is seeing her kids at school going to be a problem for him? These are all things your husband needs to think about and figure out how he's going to mitigate the damage.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Yes! Her FOUR children, 7,7, 9 and 11 go to the same school as my 3. My oldest will be in HS this year though. But yeah, my 8 and 10 year old were friends with the children, sleepovers, she'd pick them up to go to the gym so they could hang out while she worked out.

Anyway, no, he has not even talked to him! I asked this. He really is clueless because when I asked how he thought it was ok that she would be there with her kids with our kids there in his apartment (when he first moved in!) he said, honestly, I didn't think it was worse that what was said in front of them this winter. !!!!

I said "so, their parents fighting in their own home was worse than them seeing their dad with his new girlfriend in his new apartment?" Excuses, excuses! It's awful, disgusting and tragic for my children and for their relationship. I'm so disappointed and feel for them so much. They seem to be doing ok though.

Ugh, you're right, he did spend more time with those kids than his own (fucking fog). The same time he was ending things with her, and started apologizing to me was the same time he started being more attentive with the children and baby. All of a sudden, he bought baby gear and took them shopping, picked them up regularly. His dick was more important than his children.
So sick.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

In response to this:
he said, honestly, I didn't think it was worse than what was said in front of them this winter.

Ask him, why he thinks that the fact your eldest son and you still have a very close and loving relationship despite "all the things that were said in front of them last winter" may differ from HIS relationship with your eldest after the stunt he pulled. CLEARLY, if a CHILD can see something so wrong with what he did, he should be able to see it. Don't let him get away with playing dumb.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

oh so yeah, my oldest son, who will be 14 on Saturday, never liked the kids, never was friends with them and did NOT like being there with them. He's the one that told me they were there. It upset him. He saw me getting upset after his graduation and said "mom, why are you getting upset, I didn't want him here anyway." So there is a lot of work needed there, yes.

I did mention dad wanted to work things out to each of them and they seemed a bit shocked to be honest. I felt bad in a way, because they saw him with her and now this. To them, they were hearing from OWs nephew, who was in my son's class, "we're going to be stepcousins soon" and saying it in front of the whole class. They are sooo confused. I would tell my oldest how I missed dad and he would say "just forget about dad" because little did I know he saw them together just the week before. He said to me once that he "could tell" that dad liked her or was in love with her. They thought what they had was the real thing. They didn't get the fact that their dad was thinking with his little head and just being selfish having her there. They don't understand that they were just using each other and of course mistake flirting for being in love. What a messed up situation!


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

p.s. Do you by any chance make more money than him?

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
WeepingWillow1
New Member
Member # 39866
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Jewlz,

I've read your posts from start to finish, and I want you to know that our stories are SO similar it's scary. Seriously scary. Although I didn't know the OW, I know her now. She's trash. My husband recently moved back home and we are working on R. You are so strong. I'll post my story soon too.

[This message edited by WeepingWillow1 at 2:52 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]


Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Jewlz,

I think you are right, when you say that you are "plan B."

His A lasted so long. There is so much water under the bridge now. He did so much with/for OW whiskey whore and her children, and neglected you and your children for months. He should have seen her for what she was very soon in their sordid A, but he stayed with her.

Could it be that she tired of him and his lack of money? Now he is trying to win you back?

How will I ever listen to him talk about his hunting trip with excitement and happiness for him? How will I care about how his day went? All I am is disappointed and angry and I feel like plan B.

the answer: If he becomes another person...and only you can decide if he has truely changed.

I don't really believe a person loses their senses for months, then gains them back. They were broken before they went nuts, but hid it from everyone. If they get "fixed" by therapy and some real soul searching, they may become a decent person again, and this time it is like they are a different person, because it will be real.

I hope that wasn't too confusing.

Stand your ground, don't accept crumbs. He needs to consistently repent/reform, and he needs to want IC himself and stick with it. If you are dictating IC to him, then he doesn't really want it, and he sees no need for it.

You've got good instincts, and a good head on your shoulders. You "need" him like you need a pothole in your driveway. You've proven you can drive around the pothole even if you haven't filled it in with dirt yet.

Don't worry about pushing him away with your anger...you have a lot more angry days coming ahead of you, and if he is coming around, he knows he deserves all of it that you have to give. Your anger should feel like a healing balm to him. He needs to feel the depth of the pain he caused to you.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

It could be that he is feeling it more because he is without money. Seems to be the complaint with him...the fact that he is now in this lease for a year, that he barely can eat. I said, "at least you want to eat."

He WAS with her for a long time. I've thought about this. He could have been sorry enough on DDay and realized he loved me and woke up and said the things he's saying now and dumped her then, but he left and they had an actual relationship. Her kids sleeping over. Acting like a little f'n family. I texted him then even and said that I wanted him to stop seeing her and for us to go to counseling (in April) and he never even replied. Again when I was seeing the lawyer in May and asked him if this is truly what he wanted because D is a big decision and I thought we could work it out...no reply!

He actually told me "it got to the point where I said it's me or the whiskey" Like they were so involved and so invested that he gave her this big ultimatum. And he TELLS me this. It makes me sick. He totally stuck it out with her until it didn't work out in order to come back to me. Or he just assumed we were done so he used up his time with her, but I don't believe that. It's so messed up. I was so confused and manipulated this weekend and now it's all hitting me. I can't believe this is really over and so afraid to move on. I still love him and I'm lonely to be honest. I don't know how or want to start over with someone else. He says the same thing. But he ALREADY did!!


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

I think I'm beginning to put together a theory on him but I'm not sure if I'm going in the right direction. What kinds of things were said during your argument in front of the children last winter? Also, are you the bread-winner?

ETA: I think the "thinking out-loud" that you're doing here is going to ultimately lead you to your answer. This is good, Jewlz. Take what you're talking about here and discuss it at length with your counselor. Make this forum like your journal. Make the discussions you have with others here like your conscience. You'll grow more confident and secure in the choices you make moving forward.

[This message edited by anewday78 at 4:00 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]


Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Shocked  Posted: 3:59 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

so afraid to move on. I still love him

Of course you are scared. That is perfectly normal Jewlz. We all are scared of starting something new but what if what is out there is 100x's better than what you had with your WH?

It will take time to heal but you will be living a true life and not second guessing yourself every moment. You are currently living in purgatory. Move forward not backwards.

You love the man you thought your husband was not the man he is. You are in love with the ideal of your husband not the reality of the selfish pig he is.

He has strung you along for months and played you and the OW both.

His lack of response to your text or calls is so disrespectful.

He has shown no true remorse. Made no attempt at IC.

He is giving the OW ultimatums? Really? That is almost comical if it wasn't so sad and screwed up.

So I guess she picked the whiskey so NOW he wants his old life back. WTFE.

See him for who he is. What has changed that makes him think he won't cheat again?

You will always be worried that he is up to it again. ALWAYS. You can't live like that it will eat you alive.

Too bad he is strapped for cash he should of thought of that before he cheated and left. Consequences to his actions. Boo hoo.

Sorry, I just want to smack him.

Hang in there.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Thank you 1Faith!

Anewday, it is hard to tell, because he makes cash in addition to his regular pay but yes, I would bet I make a little more. MUCH more on the books at least.

The fight that stands out is he came home and was acting in a bad mood when I was already not too happy, dealing with newborn, and the kids and he started yelling at the kids or whatever not knowing what the deal was so I got mad and told him, "just get out, we don't need you". Another time I spoke loudly about the pot when my son was in the next room. The fights were really not that bad and I KNOW my anger and frustration was his withdrawal from us, his laziness, not doing anything with the kids, just distant from everyone. His only chore was to foodshop and I would feel bad asking him to get something for me. I'm sitting home trying to eat healthy because I'm breastfeeding and he'd stop off and get himself food and not even offer or call me to see if I needed anything. I was getting resentful all winter. He'd go snowboarding or fishing or play cards, and then his excuse for leaving was I don't like to do the things he likes to do. So backwards. So textbook cheat.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
devastated1612
New Member
Member # 39829
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Jewlz I know exactly how you feel you sum it up very well "Right now, it's the usual lump in my throat, feeling like vomiting, horrible pain in my heart feeling and I am hoping this site can help me a little." Having said that I don't have any children to consider in this horrible mess. It's just me. I hope that some how your children will give you the focus to help you through this and some day soon you will be able to smile again as I hope I will too

[This message edited by devastated1612 at 4:27 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]


What now?

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Uk
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Well, I was going to say that he might have built up resentment about feeling inferior to you. Maybe hooked up with a complete train wreck on purpose to feel more like a "man." Perhaps the knight-in-shining-armor routine. I'm not sure that's it though by what you've now shared.
It actually sounds to me like he was already knee-deep in the affair when those words were exchanged. Slipping away "playing cards," "fishing," and "snow boarding" all seem unlikely activities for a man with a newborn baby at home. Plus, if she was at your house the day after you gave birth, the affair had no doubt already started. He's full of shit. Don't trust him. 180 HARD. Start getting your ducks in a row and detatch because I think you'll most likely get more of the same if you take him back. Unless he gives you the answers you need and those answers are reasonable enough to consider R'ing, you can't consider a future with him at all. Unfortunately, I don't think you're going to get reasonable answers - if you get any at all.

Just know this: he's about to suffer just as much as you have once he sees the grim future ahead of him. He may be a pretty boy, but if he doesn't have much to offer you, what does he have to offer any other respectable woman with whom it's worth pursuing a relationship? Answer - NOTHING. That's truly sad but not your problem. Your prospects are MUCH better. Hell, you've already had a school principal (pretty respectable career) show a great deal of interest in you and that was during a time when you were an emotional wreck, recently gave birth, and were raising four children all by yourself. Don't worry about moving on. Something tells me you're going to look back on this mess years from now and think, "how could I ever think I WOULDN'T be ok without him!?"


Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Someone had this on their tag line. Thought it was appropriate.

An affair is merely bullshit between two selfish, manipulative liars.

So true.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Question  Posted: 5:26 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

I know there's love, and now there seems to be hope. But reading your posts the last few days, I wonder...

Where is the payoff for you to stay with him? Looking at the man he is NOW, is he someone you would want to build a life with? Have as a daily example to your kids of what a husband should be?

Has he gone out of his way to begin rebuilding what he tore apart? Or is he just expecting to go back to status quo because he wants to come back?


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11343 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

he makes cash in addition to his regular pay but yes, I would bet I make a little more. MUCH more on the books at least.

Drop him from your health insurance plan. I'm assuming he's covered through your employer?

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, July 19th (Friday)

Anewday, I know! That's what I wanted to do immediately but I can't remove him until the D goes through.

This was actually one of his biggest concerns when he was telling me he was leaving, "don't you think I'm scared too, I won't have medical benefits."

All I can think of is my heart and all he was bringing up was how much he knows I'll try to get for CS and his insurance coverage and also said "you see what I'm gonna drive and where I'm gonna live!" The financial part of his life seemed to be all he cared about while he was breaking my heart. But of course, because little did I know he had Mrs. Wonderful on the side.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, July 19th (Friday)

Jewlz,
I've read most of this thread and just want to say I am so sorry your WH is such an ass.
Ha! Sounds like a lot of the same things I have been getting from mine.
I thought at first he wanted me back because of money, convenience, family time, normalcy, reputation...etc.
I am still not 100% sure on any of that, but I do know that he loves me.
My WH finally seems to be out of his fog, but I don't know if it is too little, too late.
In a way, it's almost worse this way because I see the man I married and now I have to reconcile that man with the man who destroyed my entire life. Then I have to decide if I want to take another chance on him.
In a way, I wish I was still angry and he still had his head up his ass (like your situation), because then I would feel less anxiety over filing for D.
But where you are? I was there for a few months-it's hell. Pure hell.
Why don't they realize how such small actions built up into an atomic bomb that obliterates everything in the lives of those around them?
Selfish. Cruel.
Why can't we just stop loving them?


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, July 19th (Friday)

You love the man you thought your husband was not the man he is. You are in love with the ideal of your husband not the reality of the selfish pig he is.

Bingo!^^^1Faith hit in right on the head!

When your own husband resents you for being a fabulous person...spites you for being faithful and true...well...

Maybe going through with your Douche'-ectomy (divorce) will be in your best interest.

In the coming days , since you have had time to detach (while he was living with his drunken slut and playing "DAD" to her kids while ignoring yours) perhaps you can calmly assess the situation.

It might be okay to not build a bridge back to him...because it is a bridge to Hell.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1151 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, July 19th (Friday)

"don't you think I'm scared too, I won't have medical benefits."

UNBELIEVABLE!! What an asshole. Last week I was routing for you to mend the fence with this guy. The more I learn about him, the more I can't stand him! What a selfish prick!

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
OptimisticWife
Member
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, July 19th (Friday)

My experience was much the same as myperfectlife wrote above.
At first I thought my H wanted to be with me for superficial reasons. I was so angry at him for not 'getting it' that I shamefully became physically abusive during our arguments. I felt that he just wasn't getting how much he had killed me emotionally. I wanted to try and make him feel my pain so I would lash out at him physically when my words didn't seem to get through. H threatened to leave if I continued to hit him and that was when I stopped and took a good look at how was handling myself and the person I was becoming. It was not good. I didn't think my life was worth anything. I didn't even care about being around to raise our 4 kids. I just wanted to die.

He had never been a great H but over our years together I saw glimpses of who he was behind the self protection, hurt and the anger. I lived in hope that he would get past all that in order to love me back the way I wanted him to.

When his head did finally emerge from his ass after his A (and I think this truly happened about 12months after d'day), I had to decide to take a HUGE leap of faith and believe in him again. It was the scariest decision I have ever made but it was a huge turning point for us in our M. I just knew I still loved him and just felt that if there was just the slightest chance we could end up happy, it was worth one last go.

So far my H has been awesome and I think that giving him this second chance was a great decision. We still have bad days but we seem to bounce back quicker. We are there to pick each other up and dust each other off. He is once again the love of my life and my security. It's taken a lot of anger, tears and pain to get to where we both are at now but I am so happy that I can honestly say its been worth all the effort to get here.
We still have to keep proving to ourselves and each other that we can maintain this new, happier marriage but we are closer than we have ever been. H's guard is down and he's working on his issues in IC.

My point is that I went from being so angry that I physically wanted to hurt him as much as I could in those early stages to being truly happy in my M again.
I acknowledge that this has a lot to do with my H's actions and choices and that R is not possible in all cases.

My advice at this point would be 180 him until his head finally emerges out of his ass. Get yourself stronger and happier. When you believe he's finally getting it, then make your choice between D or R. Don't drive yourself crazy trying to decide now. There's no rush. Just because he doesn't get it right now doesn't mean he won't ever get it. And even if he does eventually get it, it doesn't mean you have to take him back as it might be too late for you. Believe me when I tell you that your decision becomes clearer over time. You will know what to do and find a sense of peace in your decision. Right now just love yourself and your children. Leave him to figure things out for himself (((hugs)))

[This message edited by OptimisticWife at 6:44 PM, July 19th (Friday)]


Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

So I am feeling a bit worse after speaking with WH yesterday. He admitted that they thought they were in love. I asked if they said "I love you" and he said yes, it was said. He was surprised that I was a bit shocked. I guess I shouldn't have been but I felt like my heart was breaking all over again.

Obviously, they weren't "in love" since it is over already but I do sense that he is still having feelings and getting over her. He says "she gave me a relationship". I asked him about it. He admitted too that he still isn't sure about what he wants. He wants to fall in love with me he says.

I know this is not about what he wants but it's always been. He says "I just want someone to take care of me".

I guess I should be glad he is at least being honest and not holding anything back. I asked him about the day I was in the hospital, if it was planned. He said no. I said then why did you stop me from texting her that it was inappropriate and he said because he thought he had it under control, even though they were already talking to each other. I told him that even if it wasn't planned, it gave her the wrong impression and probably led to further feelings. And therefore, yes, it was inappropriate. Damnit! I'm so mad about that day. How could she do that intentionally and how could he allow her in my home! He always seems to lead the conversation into her and things she told him. He says how she told him at the tricky tray, some guy came up to her and told her he was her secret admirer so people knew she wasn't with her SO I guess. Why the F is he even telling me this shit? I asked him if he was still grieving over the loss of her. I guess I just thought it was more about our relationship than it was about her but it seemed to be a lot about her. He left his wife and 4 children, new baby, for this trash girl. He admitted he thought the grass was greener. I can't believe how stupid he is. I mean, were they like two dumb teenagers falling in love after such a short time and not even knowing anything about each other. You're 39 years old dude, grow the F up. I just wish he would go away. But he came over and in the house and looked so freakin good...damnit!

Am I still in love with him? I wonder how I could even look at him after what he's done? But I do. I cannot wait for IC on Wednesday!!!

[This message edited by Jewlz at 1:43 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

He admitted that they thought they were in love. I asked if they said "I love you" and he said yes, it was said

This hurts...lots. Those words are only for a spouse.
Obviously, they weren't "in love" since it is over already but I do sense that he is still having feelings and getting over her

He's having withdrawls...even though he got to where he couldn't stand her, he was addicted to her, and still is.

"I just want someone to take care of me".

What is he, a little boy? He is a broken man. He needs to be taking care of you and your children. At least he is beginning to verbalize his brokenness. He needs an IC to figure out why he is so emotionally immature.

Don't beat yourself up for being attracted to him. He is, after all your H. You aren't looking at other men the way you look at your H. I know it is confusing, to be attracted to him, physically when he hurt you so badly emotionally. He needs to do a lot of work before your emotions will ever match the physical attraction.

I wish we could have IC every day...sometimes a week is just too long between sessions.

You're dealing with the sh*t that has been handed to you so well. YOU WILL DO JUST FINE when this all over...whether you stay with him, or you D him.

(((((Jewlz)))))


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Thanks, yeah I told him "you should be wanting to take care of someone else". He said he doesn't yet and that most of the time he just wants to be alone. Yeah, I sense that he is still getting over her. Makes me sick!

Maybe his parents never really took care of him. His mom had him at 16 and partied a lot when his dad left her (cheated on her). He had to care for his younger sister a lot and then moved to his dad's a state away during high school to get away from that responsibility. Let loose with his dad under not much supervision or love. He has issues. He NEEDS. My therapist says that I've tried to make him feel loved the whole time and it has just never been enough. Something about hollow leg syndrome? I agreed with her.

[This message edited by Jewlz at 1:51 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Jewlz honey he is a vast void of neediness. Until he fixes whatever is broken within himself he will continue to suck every ounce of your worth.

Try to stay NC with him. He is confused. Fine he can be confused and divorced. He wants someone to take care of him, tell him to see if the orphanage can take him, because you aren't his momma. He is a grown ass man, and even if his momma didn't take care of him properly he should have that shit figured out.
This may seem harsh, but he knows how badly you have been hurt, and continues to suck off of you, taking your good, your kindness. It's not right, and just makes it a bazillion times harder on you.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Revenge  Posted: 2:34 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Jewlz -

Maybe his parents never really took care of him.

NO NO NO honey. Do not make excuses for him. If you have learned one thing here it is this...there is NO justification for cheating on your spouse. EVER.

Most everyone in life has had some type of struggles. You deal with them and still function as an adult especially when you have a wife and four children.

Why are his needs more important than yours or your children's? They are not.

I guess I should be glad he is at least being honest and not holding anything back.

No, you should be pissed it has taken him this long to get his head semi out of his butt. And how do you know he isn't holding anything back? Because he isn't necessarily credible at this point. How many lies has he told?

Hang in there. You are seeing through him. His desire to project his missing her on you, the fear of losing health insurance, etc. That is not remorse...that is selfishness.

Sending hugs. Good luck at IC.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 2:34 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Jewlz, this bullshiz about him "wanting to fall in love with you," is exactly that - BULL$%&@!!!! Shouldn't he already be in love with you? Shouldn't he have ALWAYS been in love with you? Why should you have to compete with the ghost of some trashy homewrecker for YOUR HUSBAND'S affections?

He needs a serious dose of reality. I'm affraid he's far too messed up in the head for you to have any kind of mature, adult relationship with him. Somebody who "needs to be taken care of" at 39 years-old is not made of the stuff YOU and YOUR CHILDREN need in a husband and father. As so many of us have already said, your WH needs some serious IC and unfortunately, it does not seem like he has any intention of seeking it. If money is the issue, perhaps he should get a second job in order to make more. Perhaps occupying his time with work would have served him better all along - it would have accounted for the times he spent pursuing a "relationship" that he had no business pursuing.

You need to 180/NC HARD. I know you want answers, but (as an outsider looking in) you've got enough information to know that this man is broken beyond repair right now. Why should you be robbed of another moment of healing and happiness due to his poor judgement and boundaries? It's time to start detaching again. I know you're attracted to him. Perhaps there's a way you can arrange exchanges so that you don't come face-to-face with him? Do you think your mother could stand in your place?


Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

When you believe he's finally getting it, then make your choice between D or R. Don't drive yourself crazy trying to decide now. There's no rush. Just because he doesn't get it right now doesn't mean he won't ever get it. And even if he does eventually get it, it doesn't mean you have to take him back as it might be too late for you.

^^^^THIS!!
Jewlz you are so where I was just a few weeks ago!
It wasn't until my WS and I decided calmly to go ahead and
D (partly bc he still had feelings for AP and partly bc he wouldn't commit fully to my conditions of R) that he finally finally finally got it.
And now, he is ripped apart with guilt and remorse, devastated about what he's done to our life and family...in his words "all for nothing". He had a great life before his A! He admits it! We had a good marriage and a stable family for our boys.

But now, I ask myself, do I need to move forward alone?

You do need to 180, I wish that I had known how to a few weeks ago. He needs to grow up and you can't raise him anymore.
((((hugs))))


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
HurtButHoping12
Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

It is downright EErie how similar our stories are. My WH left me 2 and a half weeks post-partum for some trash he had known for 4 days. But OMG, the things he said/says... just like my WH. I'm so sorry, I know how much pain you are in!


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

His mom had him at 16 and partied a lot when his dad left her (cheated on her).

Classic, totally classic and completely predictable. He re-created his childhood pain (trying to get his mom to take care of him so he could be a carefree child while instead, she chose to party it up all the time) in an effort to try to heal that pain. You're not out partying all the time, so you can't heal that pain for him. Little does he know that no one other than himself can either.

Dr. Harville Hendrix deals with this exact phenomena all the time in his books. He calls it IMAGO, and it's talked about on SI very often. H and I have done the IMAGO therapy at home using the books and workbooks and it was incredibly insightful and beneficial to both of us. I highly recommend his books and system to everyone.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
dargirl
New Member
Member # 39909
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

so sorry sweetheart with 4 kids
my story is different but same pain, just happened
5yrs ago my husband went off the radar, he has met a prostitute and spent 12000 in paris on her.. he begged for forgiveness and I gave in I forgave but did not forget, lately he has been mean to me like before I found out he was online with a person and planning a trip to rome, he had spend 900 on rooms in rome, sent her 1100 for flight, then another 1000, turns out this was a scammer in ghana, even after we found out she or it was a scammer he still emailed her begging for her to come back to him and told all kinds of lies.. like i had been in a coma and woke up a different person.. he sent her or it his pay stubs and told her if she ever needed money no questions asked... I went to canada for w eek with family and when I got back i found out he had been on ashley madison, all kinds of sex lines.. went on a date and spent 200 then 500 on ashly madison.
i got calls from the weekend from girls.. and girls emailing him at work.. I am lost .. this was the man I married 11yrs ago been with 14yrs.. all kinds of memories. this is still fresh.. feel sick can't eat.. why was I not enough..... I am 15yrs younger than him.. beautiful and intellignet. perfect wife.. why is this happening?

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2013
dargirl
New Member
Member # 39909
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

watch this video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECGZz5ScfL8

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2013
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Jewelz

I am so sorry you are dealing with such an arse!
Look if you have 4 children and one is a newborn you sure as hell don't need a husband that you have to take care of! MY GOD!! He needs to grow the F up!

Kick him to the street till he wants to take care of you and his own children! Sorry but to me that is just as low as a man can go to say he wants someone to take care of him and he has 4 kids!!!! My head is spinning for you!!
You need a real man! Not a teenager..
I can't wait to see what your counselor does for you... Good luck.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3199 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Seriously, thank you to all. I have been with him since I was 20 and really learning here that I need to stand up for myself much more than I always have. I am wondering if he's always been like this and I'm just waking up to it or has he really changed in the last couple years. IDK but I definitely know I need to detach and let him figure out his issues.

He re-created his childhood pain (trying to get his mom to take care of him so he could be a carefree child while instead, she chose to party it up all the time) in an effort to try to heal that pain.

This is really interesting, thanks.

I was reading in the Healing Library and he is saying some of the things that a remorseful WS would say like "it was a mistake", "I can't believe I ever wanted to be alone" and that he doesn't know how he possibly thought that a relationship with her was going to be something that made him happy. He came by Sunday with donuts and gifts for the kids for their report cards (nothing for me though). Still waiting for my F'n flowers and the supposed card he bought me. He told me yesterday he loves me and always has and he thinks we are doing everything right that we are supposed to be doing. ?? He has answered my questions but still does seem to get frustrated with too much at once. I brought up that we need to talk about the way he let her talk to me at the park that day. I reminded him of what she said and he had a blank look and just said "I try not to remember these things".

So frustrating because these are the things that I've cried over day after day and felt completely disrespected over and he acts like he just wants to forget it happened because it was all just a mistake. I still can't help believe it turned out to be a mistake more because of who she turned out to be. Not because he feels bad he left me with our children. I know he thinks taking care of the baby was nothing for me because I had 3 already, I'm a pro. This is how he sees it. He doesn't realize I had to care for our newborn during this horrible traumatic event and becoming severly depressed with anxiety, going back to work on my own..all that! While he was yes, Anewday, pursuing a relationship that he had no business pursuing. He was busy starting up some romantic fantasy while I breastfed and changed diapers all day. I asked him, how many diapers did you change? How many loads of baby laundry did you do? Pointless, he is selfish.

Anyway, I did buy After the Affair and read half but gave it to him. He's 20 something pages in and he said the beginning is more for you. I said yeah, but it's good for you to see what I am going through.

I am so messed up, I don't know if I'm in R or ready to just NC his ass. I know you people are going to think I am not taking your advice..I wish I read these posts yesterday! But I was intimate with him again yesterday. I snuck out while my mom watched the kids to be with him and I felt so horrible going home. I was thinking OMG, is this how he felt lying to me and sleeping with her and coming home not wanting to deal with me or face me? I felt like a cheap OW.

A part of me thinks this is what we need to do to R? I am just making it easy for him, aren't I? I am not respecting myself enough. I am suppressing my anger and hurt to do it and it's only going to hurt me, I know. I feel so lost. I know his head is still stuck in his ass and he's still withdrawing from her and hurt me and is not the man I want, yet I still do this.

A part of me wants him to know what he missed and what he will be missing if we D. And also kind of "reclaiming" in a sense I guess. I know it's immature but I feel like I'm doing it to get back at her. And him.

[This message edited by Jewlz at 1:53 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Wink  Posted: 2:11 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Jewlz

I know you people are going to think I am not taking your advice

That is all it is...advice. We don't live your life or walk in your shoes.

One of the really great things about this site is that for the most part we aren't judgmental.

Oh, sure we all have opinions, we all have each other's back and we all want what is best for our SI friends.

But in the end. It is your life. Your choices. We are here to pick you up, cheer you on, make you think and give a (((hug))) when needed.

It is still all very new. Although you have been through so so much. It is still new. Each new hurt starts the healing process all over.

Remember the timeline for healing post I sent you? Your feelings will vacillate all over the place for a long, long time.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Try to take one day at a time and follow your instinct. If you think he is truly remorseful, not regretful (BIG difference) then we will be your biggest cheerleaders rooting you on to healthy healing and true reconciliation.

All that have followed your story and gave you advice simply want the best for you and your children.

Take it one day at a time. Tread lightly, verify everything and know we are all here for you.

Better days ahead.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

haha, and I didn't mean to say "you people" like that. I actually hate when people say that. You all are wonderful and I don't know what I'd do without this site, honestly!!!

1Faith, you have something there, he is regretful, probably not remorseful. He is alone and just wants some normalcy back. He is "not sure this relationship will give me what I need".

Basically, he was unhappy in order to go to her, she turned out to be a waste of time, but he's still unsure of us. So am I. Time.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

This right here is a BIG problem:
He is "not sure this relationship will give me what I need".

He needs to be sure that he's all-in this relationship in order for you to be able to start healing. R will not happen if he can't commit to the relationship. Jewlz, you need to 180 HARD - I'm talkin' COMPLETE NC. You cannot force him to see the light. You cannot force him to commit to the marriage. You cannot force him to fix what's broken inside him. You cannot continue to facilitate his journey through the devastation he's caused for you, your children, and himself. HE must be the one to PROACTIVELY read/research solutions. HE must be the one to come to you with apologies (rather than you trying to draw them out of him). He now knows (as I suspect he always has known) how much agony he's caused you and the children. It's time he is left to his own agony. At least until he's ready and willing to repent and do the hard work necessary for R.

The next time he tells you he's not sure your M can give him what he needs, tell him YOU ARE SURE that you're not getting what you need from it and therefore must move forward with your own healing independent from him. And, by "independent from him," you mean no contact except for issues concerning finances and children.

Stop creating a competition between you and OW in your head. She doesn't compare to you and never will. She's probably in the literal backseat with her next victim while her children take the metaphorical backseat to her drunken sexcapades. How can you think she's "won." She was the loser from the start. She didn't "win" your husband - he's not with her - and even if she did "win" him, right now he's not much of a prize. If you really want to "win," you need to come out of this stronger and better than you were before it all happened. The only way I can see that happening, as an outsider looking in, is if you remove yourself from the disaster zone and begin re-building on your own for a while. Both your husband and OW will realize what losers they are when they see the new Jewlz - whether you'll care about what they think at that point is a completely different story.


Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

She didn't "win" your husband - he's not with her - and even if she did "win" him,

Jewlz, if she won for a few months by taking him away from you, she did it by cheating. A person who wins by cheating isn't a real winner, but a real cheater.

We understand that you L your H....or you wouldn't have M him, or had his children, or suffered so much while he left. There is not condemnation for loving, or for wanting to be with him.

You are probably having some HB going on. But you're putting the cart before the horse. By your H's behaviors, he is not in real R...he is just putting on a bandaid so he doesn't have to hurt...so are you, in a sense. If you decide you don't want to R later, you'll feel like an idiot for doing what you are doing right now.

If your tenderness and love are helping him realize how wrong he was about you, and that he was an idiot, and are helping bring him out of the fog, then keep on seeing him.

His not bringing you even small gifts, and saying things that sound like he's still not sure don't seem to be good signs. It seems that he misses the children, but not you except when he wants to get a sexual release.

Please don't lie to your mom. She seems to be such a loving support. You're a grown woman. You don't have to sneak around, and she doesn't deserve to be lied to either. If she doesn't like your going to see your H, then she can reassess her role in your life right now. Allow her that respect.

You take care of yourself, and don't do anything that causes you to have to hang your head in shame. You want to come out of this with your self respect intact.

When he says he tries not to think of the unpleasant things, he sounds like he is trying to make you rug sweep. So what if he doesn't want to think about unpleasant things, if he caused them, and you are still suffering because of them. He sounds regretful, not remorseful. He is slowly getting it, but he has a way to go until he truly gets it.

edited: grammar

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 6:24 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Jewlz,
I have been following your saga from the beginning. He has brought so much drama and uncertainty into your life.

The things he's saying to you are emotionally abusive. Telling your wife you'd need to fall in love with her again and are unsure if you can after HE cheated on YOU? Not ok.

I think it's time to go No Contact. Just do it for a week to start. Have your Mom hand the kids off and if he has questions about the kids have him call her. Just do it for one week. It will help you clear your mind, step back, and see everything for what it is. .

I'm in R and my FWH is in IC. A whole sh*tstorm of family issues has come out from his past. The bottom line though is he's ultra needy. There is no person on the face of the earth who can give him the ego stroking he needs. I sure as hell can't. He needs to figure out how to get past that and cope. Your WH needs to do the same, otherwise he'll cheat again.

And I hope this makes you laugh. My FWH has been 100% remorseful. He started buying me flowers. It drove me crazy! I was like "flowers is going to fix this?" One day he came home with them and they were in cellophane and I took them and started swatting him with them. I was yelling "oh my God, stop buying me flowers!!!!" I was actually laughing while I was doing it but I was serious. So the flowers might not help :)

We're all here for you and no one is judging. But I really think a week of NC, spending time enjoying your kids, maybe get a spa treatment - read a good book! Just do something to detach from this and get some rest. Do you have a babysitter? If so maybe go out to lunch with your Mom. Just focus on you for a week. Then come back to this situation and see how you feel. Hugs to you - you need a break.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 275 | Registered: Mar 2013
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

You're a grown woman. You don't have to sneak around, and she doesn't deserve to be lied to either.

So right, I know, I feel terrible and I plan to talk to her about all of this.

Thanks so much Cliffside, the flower story is great, I did laugh!

Ok, I want to do this and go NC, but how do I do this? Do I just start ignoring him and texts or do I tell him that I need time to myself? Last night, my son called him and he didn't answer or call back but this morning he texted me good morning and then asked if I would consider going away with him and the kids in August!!?? On my way home yesterday also he asked how my day went (second day in a new office, my company moved to a bigger site and there are hundreds more people around, new faces). So I responded "pretty good, fun". So he responds that I know I am the hottest thing here right? I guess to see my response and I said IDK, there is some competition and he came back with "bullshit, ur da shit". Yeah, like a teenager but I think he was just being silly but I replied with "Heads can turn all they want. I'm still married. That actually means something to me."

He destroyed that security we had and I want him to realize that he lost a faithful beautiful woman. He's always been, especially in the beginning of our relationship, very jealous! Even though he never had to be. He never understood that or trusted me because he is a cheat and liar so he thinks like that.

The next time he tells you he's not sure your M can give him what he needs, tell him YOU ARE SURE that you're not getting what you need from it and therefore must move forward with your own healing independent from him.

I love this! I can't wait to use this!

Thanks so much to all! He ropes me in and you all slap me back to reality.

What hurts the most right now is that he was able to fall in love with a woman that had no respect for our marriage. He liked that?! He pursued a woman who knew his pregnant wife and went after him? It's so F'd up. They are both like immature dumb teenagers to me. Falling in love within such a short time. Loving someone you obviously don't know anything about. If he loved her, he would accept the whiskey and partying and everything. He was so sure about her that he brought our children around her so soon, it's so sick and he needs to figure out why he is so emotionally immature. My friend who is a psychologist says, he wants what he wants when he wants it. He tells me that I need to think about me and stop thinking about him. I am learning and it is shocking me just how hard that is for me.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

If I were you I would tell him you need some time to yourself and he needs to respect that.
Tell him he is to hand the kids off to your Mom (if she's willing) and only contact her about the kids. Tell him not to text you. You don't need to be mean-spirited or anything just say "Look, this has taken a toll on me and I need some time to myself. I need a break". But let him know the rules and then just do it.
Super duper hugs to you!


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 275 | Registered: Mar 2013
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Did he say why he didn't answer DS'es text? If my H ignored a text overnight, only to contact me in the morning, my red flags would be awavin'

Regarding NC, it would be respectful of you to let him know you want to go NC. You would want to be treated with the same consideration. Let him know the amount of time you need to be NC.

What hurts the most right now is that he was able to fall in love with a woman that had no respect for our marriage. He liked that?! He pursued a woman who knew his pregnant wife and went after him? It's so F'd up. They are both like immature dumb teenagers to me. Falling in love within such a short time. Loving someone you obviously don't know anything about.

Have you read the thread, "Honey, they always affair down?" Here's the link

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=326449

That ought to answer your questions. It answered a lot of mine.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I wholeheartedly agree with this:
Tell him he is to hand the kids off to your Mom (if she's willing) and only contact her about the kids. Tell him not to text you. You don't need to be mean-spirited or anything just say "Look, this has taken a toll on me and I need some time to myself. I need a break".
Also, I would tell him that going away for a family vacation in August is out of the question right now. The two of you are not even close to a stable point in R to do something like that as a family. You need to look out for you and your kids and right now you don't know how safe he is. Remember, this is every bit as devastating to the kids as it has been for you. What happens if he goes off the deep end again after the vacation? Just more hurt for you and the kids. And for what? Just to make him feel less guilty/more normal again now that he realizes he picked the wrong woman and children to spend his time with for the past 3+ months? Fuck that!

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Just texted him that my head is spinning and I need a break, maybe a week or so and he replied "okay".

I am nervous about it but it is the right thing. I feel like it will make him want to reach out to someone else but I know that if he does, he just doesn't want us back bad enough. It's going to be fine for me either way.

PS He is in arrears and I have not gotten any CS still.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Honey, if you're going to have any contact with him...
He is in arrears and I have not gotten any CS still.
THIS is what you should be talking about!

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Are you sure he is not out after a new women?

Not that I am trying to give you more to worry about (sorry).

I don't think your H was "in love" with the OW. Honestly, it sounds like he can't love anyone but himself. He just enjoys being chased, taken care of, and having fun. He knows how to take, take, take. But, not how to give.

Honestly, HE wants to fall in love with you again? It should be the other way around. He betrayed you, you should want to fall in love with him.

Maybe, you guys can make it work again. Who really knows. You are a better women than I am. I would have so much resentment, that I could not work through falling in love again.

He speaks so matter-of-factly about the whole A and how he felt about her. I am not sure if that is a male thing, but it seems to me that he feels he was entitled to the A. It seems to me that he is waiting to see if you can live up to what he wants and needs. I would worry that he has another A, when he comes across another women that has her shit together. (just because of the way he talks about the fact that he wanted the A)

From most on here...the WS are shocked at their behavior, feel some disgust in themselves, the A just happened. It was a mistake(hate that word)choice. They don't seem proud of it.

Your H seems woe me...I wanted out...I wanted an A...I just picked the wrong women.

Don't beat yourself up for loving him. You always had...he had time to start falling out of love (though I insist he will never love anyone but himself)with you.

There will come a time when you will no longer feel so "in love". You will always care, you will always love the man you thought he was. But, one day you will realize that you no longer care to chase after him. You are still new in all this. There will come a time when you will think, "Why am I chasing this man? Is he really worth it?" That is when the pain will change. That is when you will feel disgust and possibly contempt. That is when you can really think about what to do. When he begins to do all the chasing. That is when you can sit back and have him win you back. Then start to focus on the weak links in the M.

For now, he is a one way street.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 11:36 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 954 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

BTW...I mean having the indifference last for a month or two. Not just the one day/one moment thing.

It is almost a year for me, but my fWH is doing everything right. He feels horrible and remorseful.

I still feel indifferent due to the betrayal. I care about him and love him. I am not "in love" and can envision being without him. I am in limbo. I am willing to work on it as long as he is. For now, it is a waiting game.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 954 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, July 26th (Friday)

Hopefulmother, thank you. I think you are right. I don't feel like he has ever probably put me before him. Another woman? Who knows, that's the problem, I don't feel like I WILL know until he says he's leaving again. And we are both vulnerable right now. Neither of us are sure we want to R and there has been horrible betrayal and abandonment.

I agree with the fact that he chose to have this affair and leave and that the woman just happened to turn out to be horrible. He saw the icing on the cake, as he says. But yes, he didn't just have an affair, he left and even after Dday, he didn't want back into our M. He just said "I didn't plan for this to happen". Like, they couldn't help fall in love! And he invested in her thinking something would come of it, not caring about me taking care of our children on my own. He made so many bad choices that I don't even know who he is when I look at him. It's very sad. I feel foolish that I thought I knew him and he is doing all these things. It's like finding out you're living with a murderer or something.

If next time is with someone better suited for him, he'll leave again and may never come back.

Right now, just a day or so NC, I am getting angrier and angrier and thinking that there is no way I could R. Sometimes, I'm not sure I'm in love with him..how can I possibly be after what he's done and who he is? I most definitely have NO respect for him or trust so how can I even love him right now? I think the longing comes more from the rejection and just wanting to be un-rejected as another poster said.

Anyway, thank you for all too that advised me to go NC. I think it's best, even though I am angry and the hurt and loneliness is creeping back in without the attention and communication from him. I know it's necessary because I don't want to be blinded by his manipulation. Just a day and I'm thinking about the financial more than my heart! Good to take a break and a step back!


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, July 26th (Friday)

And he invested in her thinking something would come of it, not caring about me taking care of our children on my own.

This is the part that would stop me from trying to R with him. He didn't come back because he wanted to be with you and the kids. He came back because things didn't work out with her. There is a huge difference between the two.

I refuse to be somebody's safety net or cushion for when their choices don't work out the way they hoped and they had disregarded me as trash along the way. Hurt my kid and all bets are off. That would show me exactly what kind of person they are and that's not the type of person I want in my life.


A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere.

Posts: 13881 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, July 26th (Friday)

((Jewlz))

Anger is sometimes really, really good. Anger is selfish, and sometimes it's good to be selfish. Stop thinking about what's fair to him, and start thinking about how you've been fucked over. I think it's great that you're getting angry. This is part of the detachment process, where you're actually going to be able to sit down and figure out whether this relationship is working for YOU -- and your kids. (And honestly, I think the snswer is pretty clear.)

Be strong!

[This message edited by Blobette at 8:42 AM, July 26th (Friday)]


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Well said Lieshurt...I agree, he isn't back because he loves you. He is back because he needs to be taken care of.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make any love go away and the loneliness. Then you could kick him to the curb.

I understand being disgusted by the man you are now with. Like-OMG what did I marry? I thought I knew him, but WOW! It sucks. Just makes me wish we had a few surprises of our own to throw in their face. Like-you thought you knew me and could take me for granted. NOT

You can always follow him, or get someone to do drive-byes or hire a PI to see if he is seeing someone new.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 954 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

If next time is with someone better suited for him, he'll leave again and may never come back.

Yes, if she didn't love whiskey more than him...

He will have to do a lot to regain your trust. He is not making much ground, and methinks it is because he did not come back for the right reasons.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
OptimisticWife
Member
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

Hey Jewlz,

Been thinking about you and wondering how you are. Hope you're ok.


Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

I haven't posted in quite a few days so wanted to update and maybe get a good butt kick or two. My good friend Anewday has been a tremendous help to me offline (my new BF!) I must say but I can't let him kick my butt all by himself.

So WH and I are still having lots of HB but not enough talking IMO. In the last week or so he seems to have done another 180 in that he is becoming more depressed and upset. He is realizing how much he hurt me and our children at the same time that we are also sort of falling back in love with each other in a way and I think it is hitting him.

He had the kids this weekend and on Sunday, he invited me to spend the day together at the park/zoo. I went and we all had a nice time. Only, I had triggers and was making comments throughout the day, kind of in a joking manner because this was my way of showing my anger but not in an angry way. It was sarcastic though. He kept quiet all day. Later on, I had to do some shopping and called him on my way to another store and we argued about the A. He's still using the "we were separated" line which really pisses me off. I am NOT letting him get away with this. He says nothing physical happened until we were separated. I said yeah but you wanted it to and that's why you left you asshole! and hung up. I texted him that "she had everything to do with why you left. Why else would he leave when we just had a newborn?..." He wrote he's sorry "it's obvious that spanish this spanish that are going to outweigh any possibility of you and I ever being able to work things out." and "hope you find yourself and happines." blah blah I'll always be here for the kids, blah blah, like seriously? He had enough over some comments one day!? I said "You think Spanish comments are what is going to not let us work? How bout the fact that you fucked a whore who knew our family?" I won't type everything said but he was saying how life is too short to not be happy and I'm like are you kidding me, that's what I've been killing myself over for weeks, being miserable but yet trying very hard to keep some faith and he is giving up over some comments?! He came over to drop off the kids later and he was balling. The last time I saw him cry (and just tear actually) was when our first son was born 14 years ago. And he was wet-face sobbing! I gave him a hug and invited him to stay for dinner but he said he was too upset, that he'd just cry the whole time and left. I didn't feel bad really, I actually was relieved that he is finally getting upset. I texted that "I guess I'll just never understand why you were so unhappy" and he said "Me Jewlz, it's me...I don't know happy...maybe I never will."

He called the next morning and just apologized that things got so upsetting and we both realized it was just a setback, not the end. I think he is going to go back and forth at times just like I am. I may say I've had enough one minute and the next I'm hopeful again.

We talked yesterday afternoon. I left work early and met him at his apartment. He said he is excited to go to therapy with me tonight and that he needs to figure out who he is, how he could do something like this. Said he doesn't know how to make peace with himself when he was already unhappy with himself and now is disgusted with himself. The way he describes feeling sounds a lot like I've felt since March. Says the thoughts swirl in his head a thousand times, all day, he doesn't feel like doing anything, sleeps a lot..can fall asleep at any time. I told him it sounds like depression and he says it is. I can say that he hasn't smelled like pot and when I asked him about it weeks ago he said he hadn't smoked in weeks. I don't think he is going to the gym as much or at all. He installed one of those punching thingy's in his apartment and said he will use that at home. His body doesn't look as "juiced" as it was starting to look in the winter during his A. I feel like he is coming out of some major fog!

BUT, I still have no idea if R is possible. Most of the time, I feel so disrespected and how do I put it? Not special? I don't feel like the only one for him and he's the only one for me feeling anymore. Hopeless feeling that will come back but I am really trying to hope it will. We talked about this, how we both sometimes feel like it would be easier to start fresh with other people and how it makes both of us feel insecure with each other. Because he knows I am not happy and knows he didn't treat me the way I should or deserve to be. I also told him though that I think if we could get through this, that we could learn about each other all over, learn about ourselves and it's possible our marriage could be better than before like they say. He brought up my text from weeks ago, he said "it's like you texted, that you don't want to just put a bandaid on it" and he said he agrees with this. He said he doesn't want to do this either. He wants to get to the root of it all and do it the right way.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Oh My
I just read your whole story. SO sorry. That totally sucks. You deserve so much more than that. This is just my opinion (freshly wounded BS who is totally going to D his fat ass) Don't accept him back. I know I don't know you and don't know him or the situation, but from what you have said...He sucks! Some one that has the ability to do what he did, the moral character to do all that crap is not worthy of you. Just my opinion, but put those ass kickin' boots on you had back on the first few pages....


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 446 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

Ugh, therapy was horrible! I feel like someone knocked the wind out of me and I just got knocked back into 2 months ago.

The worst part is that he still denies an affair. He claims that nothing physical happened until we were separated. Seriously? He left me for this woman that he met, was having conversations about our marriage and her marriage to, wanted her, left me with a newborn to be with her...but he didn't have an affair??? I said so you were just friends, nothing else, in March, and in April you were sleeping with her??? It's such bullshit!!! I said "if he can't admit he had an affair, I am done right now". He says how bad our marriage was and doesn't understand how I am so lost and don't understand. ???

I am so angry and hurt right now, I hate him with such passion but feel so much pain. This lump is back and I can't concentrate. The therapist could see the anger and told us to not talk about it because she could see one of us giving up so she set some ground rules and I really tried but I feel so done. I texted him that we're not gonna work, etc., last night and I just got a "good morning how are you?" this morning. I texted him just now..

"All the conversations behind my back that got you two so close..so close that you wanted to be with her and leave me...don't you get that this hurts more than anything else? And you still try to say it was innocent. It was the worst part! The most damaging. I hate her. Friends is just fine since that's what you wnat from me. This way you can have all the girl "friends" you want so bad."

Because he was asking the therapist, "well how are you supposed to have friends then?" when we were trying to explain to him that his "friendship" with her was an affair. She later explained that in her opinion, anything you are getting outside your marriage whether it's emotional, physical, whatever, is an affair.

Jerk!! Idiot!! I am so done! We were both looking forward to counseling...now I don't know why. It was terrible.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

And I KNOW he is still telling people that don't know us that we were separated. This is what he told his neighbors too and last night he said, people have asked him why he couldn't wait a year to date and why he dated someone I knew. DUH, because he had an affair! That's what he's not telling you!

I told him in therapy, "you didn't go find someone to DATE, you weren't dating! She was just there!" Ugh, I am sooo disgusted with his thinking, I don't even like him. Who is he?


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

Jewlz honey, I feel your pain, and anger. He does not get it. He is justifying, rationalizing, history rewriting, and doing anything but owning up to what he did.
IT SUCKS!

I think it's time for you to really reimplement the 180. This isn't remorse, this is I cant stand to be alone, and to make it ok in my head I am changing the rules. It's just like playing a game with a 5 year old. They change the rules to suit them, so that they don't loose.

He can do all of that he wants, and be treating you right 99% of the time, but until he really owns it, you are putting yourself at risk for repeat offenses should the fancy stike him.
Protect your heart.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

Yes, thanks! I said last night that if he thinks his friendship with her was ok, what is going to stop him from doing this again.

He did admit it was wrong, but doesn't define it as an affair. We got heated up in there and he used that saying, this is how we've always been. Why do I want to go back to that then? Why does he?

He just texted back "Stop Jewlz" "I'm sorry".

Who knows if this is sorry it's not going to work out, sorry for everything, stop texting or stop being irrational? I don't think he really believes I could be the one to end things. I think he thinks I am putty in his hands. Well I am not even responding to him. I'll stop alright. Done.

[This message edited by Jewlz at 11:01 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

Oh man Jewlz!!!

I'm glad you went to the MC just to re-hear him be an ass (in front of the MC!!) so you can hopefully now move forward.

I'm so sorry for the pain he's put you in. My heart breaks for you. You are an incredibly strong woman, use that strength now to kick his ass to the curb and leave it there!


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 961 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Such crap...my fWH used the same line at the beginning. It took him a month to realize that he indeed was having and EA. He wasn't just getting to know a friend better.

You need to print out some definitions of what an EA is and have him read it. They all think it is not an A till something physical happens.

Like---caring about, making a connection with, liking another women is not cheating? Such dumbasses

It took my husband turning it around and switching roles for him to get. (though he had to envision me having sex with another man) Why? I don't know. You would think they would be bothered if we made an emotional connection with someone else like they made with the APs.

The truth is, they will never get it unless they were in our shoes. And we are just too good for that. Some part of them will always think we are over-reacting.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 954 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
dovetool
Member
Member # 37072
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, August 19th (Monday)

(((JEWELZ)))!!!!!!!

I've thought about you recently and just saw your updates. I'm SO freakin glad the ball is in your court now! I'm so proud to see the stregth you have displayed through this whole ordeal. In the end what ever you decide is right for you and your family, you will be a stronger and more resilient person.

But for what it's worth... he wont want to admit the affair. Admitting it means that he has to see himself and know you see him for the ass he was. It takes time... I still struggle too. Hoping it gets easier as time elasps. But your doing it the right way. Good luck!


Me BS: 29
Him WH: 35
OW: 40 was a "friend". Our sons were best friends.
Married 11 years
D-day: 12/05/12
D-day: of who it really was 08/2012
R: started in 03/2012
True recover September... rough at first for me since I wasnt sure about

Posts: 68 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: dovetool
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

A few posts ago you quoted about significant HB with your husband.
So WH and I are still having lots of HB

Doesn't this tend to send the wrong message? The highest form of intimacy while you are declaring you are done with your marriage? Cut him off, until he admits to the affair and starts showing genuine remorse. Then maybe you can start rebuilding.


Posts: 1871 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)

This quote seems to fit your situation. Hope it helps.

ďNever allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.Ē
― Mark Twain


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 2101 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Angry  Posted: 1:36 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Jewlz

Sending hugs. Stand your ground. Define your boundaries.

If what he had wasn't an affair then I don't know what in the hell qualifies for one.

He is CONTINUING to manipulate you and the situation.

He is still not OWNING his behavior and he is ALLOWED to flop back and forth at his leisure.

He is JUSTIFYING his behavior which will, in his mind, allow him to CHEAT again.

As you have said and many here have said. He needs to GROW UP. But you can't do that for him. He has to.

Keep moving. Get out of Limboland. You have the power to make that change.

Hugs

[This message edited by 1Faith at 6:57 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Doesn't this tend to send the wrong message? The highest form of intimacy while you are declaring you are done with your marriage? Cut him off, until he admits to the affair and starts showing genuine remorse. Then maybe you can start rebuilding.

I agree but I guess that's why they call it hysterical. It doesn't make sense really. Hating him one minute and wanting to be intimate with him the next.

The past two days now, I have been feeling really angry, hurt, and I guess even angry with myself for even being so close to him and forgiving enough to be with him.

Last time we talked was Sunday and he continues to state that they were just friends until "we were separated". I brought up the fact that if they were just friends, it was awfully fast that she went from just a friend, nothing else to only weeks later when I caught them together, that they were sleeping together and he was calling her "hun". Not to mention decided to leave his wife and kids. His reply to calling her hun and babe was that he was just replacing me.

He continued to say again how "it was a mistake" and I said "it was your choice". And he got defensive and argumentative. I said "ok, your choice was a mistake".

He was supposed to come back over later that day, but never called or came. The next morning he called and said he was feeling too down after our conversation and that he is still not over what he has done to our family.

Monday night he tells me he probably won't be able to come until late on his day with the kids because he has to work like 60 hours this week. He was complaining about money. Actually, he has just been making his first CS payments and has been complaining since.

I am unfortunately in Limboland and hating it. The past couple days, I feel so done but when I think about the finality of it, I am so sad. What I really want to say to him is...

I did not choose this or want things to be the way they are. I love you but I cannot forgive you and I don't trust you. I cannot stop thinking of the lies, the nights you spent out while living at home, not caring about my feelings, and even after I found out about her, the days I spent missing you when you wouldn't even return my texts or call or want to go to counseling. You were so sure of your choices. Even now, you say it wasn't her, it was us...so what has changed? If you were so unhappy, why do you want to come back? The fact that she turned out to be an alcoholic, piece of shit, immature user and "free for all" with cockroaches in her home, has nothing to do with me! The fact that it didn't "work out" with you and her, has nothing to do with you wanted to leave our marriage, leave me with our newborn and 3 children. Letting them not only hear about what was happening right after you LEFT our home, but purposely allowing them to witness you and her, allowing them to see you kiss her, after they watched me suffer...these wounds are all too deep. I would rather heal on my own and live alone than be with you. You are selfish and cruel and I can't even believe I contemplated giving you a CHANCE! Please move on as you told me to do when I asked you if you were having an affair and you told me no back in April when you certainly were. Oh, that's right, we were separated. Well, guess what? Now we are separated.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

(((Jewlz)))

Look until he sees he was cheating keep a distance.

I have a girlfriend that is like this. I love her but...

I even call her on her shit! I mean really dating a married man and it isn't cheating.. ReallY????

You need someone to love you hold you. Someone you can trust. You thought he was this man he isn't.. Until he if ever can say Look I cheated while we were married. Separated doesn't mean squat! So is it ok for you to go and talk about your marriage to a man and cry on his shoulders and ooopssie you aren't cheating.. And Ooopsie you kinda kiss and Ooopsie you get it! He doesn't it!!

He needs to grow up!! He makes me sooo mad for you!!

I hope he chokes on that CS!! Can you get spousal support?? Man I hope you can!!! I hope his CS doubles and quadruples!!! I can't get over how he cheated on you while you was in the hospital!!! Having HIS child! WOW! Ok off my soap box!

Be careful with this one Jewlz.. Very careful.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3199 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I mean really dating a married man and it isn't cheating.. ReallY????

So right, thank you. Sometimes he manipulates it so much that I start to wonder if I'm crazy or if he is right. When I get feedback like this, I know I'm not nuts. He is justifying.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

(((((Jewlz)))))
please protect your heart my dear. You may be too rational for him, he's very delusional.

And we all know there's a special place in hell for douchey WH's who cheat on their very pregnant wives.

Stay strong sister.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1151 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
allatsea
Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

I hate it when men like your husband behave so atrociously. All other men get tarred with the same brush.
He will live to regret this.

[This message edited by allatsea at 2:32 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 743 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, October 14th (Tuesday)

Hello,

I have wanted to post an update for quite a few months now. I haven't been on SI for quite a while, after the turn of events, but is probably time I try and help others in any way I can.

After finding out about OW when our 4th child was only just born and going through the nightmare of post DD, and he and the OW broke up, (two months after he moved out of our home to "move on"), he wanted to come back and said he "made the biggest mistake of his life". We tried to R, well, we were R the way he wanted to, forget it happened and not talk about it. He wanted to move on again, go back to life. He was acting like I should just be happy he wanted to come back, as a narcissist would. We had some nice days in between where I'd try to push down what happened because I wanted it to go away so bad. Beach in August, still trying through the fall, even to the point of missing each other and lots of HB, leaving work early to sneak to be with him. Spent Christmas 2013 together.

In January, things were just not right. I was not happy, he would still come in smelling like pot. Leave for a couple hours in the middle of the day. Stay at his place but since he found out he was going to be evicted on Feb 15, he started moving his stuff into our home again little by little. I wasn't being romanced, he wasn't helping me heal, he just wanted his life back, and a roof over his head. I think he loved me in his own way.

Beginning of February 2014, we had a huge text fight after I asked some questions and a revelation about the A came out. (He admitted to having a kiss with her before I even had the baby and the whole time, it was "we were just friends", and yeah, I have the book). Anyway, horrible things were said and I blocked him for good. I couldn't bare hear any more. It was like he knew it wouldn't work so he was trying to hurt me with details of the A and be a monster to push me away for good.

March 16, 2014 I am out with the kids for dinner, get home around 9 and get a call from his father that he is not feeling well and in the hospital. I get my mom over to watch the kids and rush there. He is unconscience and tubes hooked up everywhere, bloated. He arrested but was on machines. In that instant, I was ready to forgive him and love him forever, if he could just be ok, I was going to hug him so hard and say, "everything will be ok."

He was transferred to another hospital because he needed a heart machine. We were hopeful. I couldn't wait to get to talk to him and a chance to work everything out. His dad and I were up all night waiting for something. Tests were being done, things kept getting worse. His dad got a phone call and says to me in the hallway, "his girlfriend is on her way up".

WHAT!? I don't know at what moment in my life so many mixed emotions were occurring at once! I had to face the girlfriend, who turned out to be a bottom feeding idiot. His parents kicked her ass out of the hospital because she was being rude and mean to us all. We wouldn't let her see him. She was the last thing we needed while we all were grieving. She only knew him for 4 weeks. He never woke up. He died within 3 days of arriving at the hospital and only because of the machines. He was 40 and in perfect health. Autopsy revealed cocksackie virus.

Further, this girl he shacked up with in his last four weeks of life, turned out to be my nightmare for the next months up until last month or so to the point of driving his car around getting tickets that would be sent to my home. She tried telling everyone she was pregnant, then four months pregnant, then it was ectopic, so that was all a lie. Shocker. She MOVED herself and two kids into MY town from an hour away and put my ex WHs sweatshirt with our last name on it on her child and sent him on a field trip with it on. I happened to be on the trip and see it! That's how I found out she moved in! Psycho! Sent me emails using his email address! A picture of herself. Told me he hated me deeply and he didn't think our last 3 children were his. Lots of private things I'm sure he did tell her to get her feeling sorry for him. Unreal.

A few weeks after he died, I realized that he died exactly one year to the day he told me he was leaving me. How surreal. It still is.

I'm so much better, but still so traumatized and confused. Unsure about my emotions, how to have relationships, trust. I thought I'd be posting a karma story on SI for a long time, but this isn't karma. Karma would have been if he were alive to see how happy I am going to be. After all the horrible things he's done, I never wanted this. I miss him every day. I don't forget the things he did and I'm still angry even. But I would have rather he still be living and be part of his children's lives in some way. I was with him since I was 20, for 15 years, and a part of me is gone with him.

I've been dating someone really special for a couple months and it's been really difficult. I'm not sure I'm healthy enough yet but I care for this person and he is good. Good guy. Caring. Different for me. I'm happy with him. But I'm still healing.

[This message edited by Jewlz at 3:53 PM, October 14th (Tuesday)]


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, October 14th (Tuesday)

Oh Jewlz. Im so sorry.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8091 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
TimeToGo2014
Member
Member # 43909
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, October 14th (Tuesday)

I just read through the thread and my jaw dropped reading your final update. What a shock. What a nightmare of a year it's been for you. I am SO SO sorry, Hun.

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jun 2014
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, October 14th (Tuesday)

Dearest Jewlz,

Words cannot begin to express my heartfelt sympathies for you and your family.

You have been through so much. So much.

Grieve. Grieve the loss of your H and your marriage.

You are an amazing, kind, loving woman. Give your time and space to heal.

We are here for you.

Many hugs and prayers.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
Tina73
Member
Member # 44910
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, October 14th (Tuesday)

Wow, I am very sorry for your loss!!

I just had a discussion yesterday with WH about what if one of us were to die tomorrow.

You've been through to much, I hope your future brings you so much better! You are a strong woman!


Me BW- 27
WH-35
DD#1- Aug 1st 2014- EA
DD#2- Sep 15 2014 - PAs confessed
3 OW in total. Has been unfaithful from day 1
Learning to give up control, and to focus on me!

Posts: 602 | Registered: Sep 2014 | From: Canada
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, October 14th (Tuesday)

OMG, Jewlz, I am so very sorry. I followed your story last year & was actually hoping for a good update when I saw your post.

My XWH was killed on his 36 birthday back in 2003 & while I was further in the process than you, I was still absolutely devastated he died. We had been divorced for several years & I was actually getting remarried that fall. But I was crushed & sobbed over his casket before his funeral.

So I totally understand your sorrow & my heart goes out to you!!! Thank you for the update although it wasnt the one I had hoped for you.


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 227 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
Giselle8
Member
Member # 45194
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, October 15th (Wednesday)

So sorry to hear of your loss!


BW

Me: BS, 40s
WH: WS, 50s
Married 18 years, Together 22
Two school aged daughters
D-day 9/28
Confronted H 10/24, H admitted to EA but not PA
11/14 Admitted to PA
I'm in limbo for sure...


Posts: 77 | Registered: Oct 2014
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, October 15th (Wednesday)

Wow Jewlz, you have been through quite a lot.
It must be overwhelming to consider all you have been through.

I hope that now the initial shock has passed and you are healing from the pain of all of this you realize your worth.
You are brave, smart, and fearless. You can and will be stronger and smarter for having gone through this.

I wish you happiness and strength.

[This message edited by tushnurse at 7:36 AM, October 15th (Wednesday)]


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Losconang15
Member
Member # 42544
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, October 15th (Wednesday)

Wow I just finished reading your entire story and I'm so surprised with the update. You are in my thoughts and I'm happy to see that you have moved on. My condolences for your kids who lost a father. Such a shock of an update and what a tool to have lost someone like you. May you continue I on your path of healing and happiness. And don't worry, he knows you will be happy. Again sorry and thanks for the update.


Together - 14 years
Married - 7 years
DDay- Jan 15, 2014. WH had EA/PA

Hopeful reconciliation.


Posts: 84 | Registered: Feb 2014
sandylee
Member
Member # 45659
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, December 4th (Thursday)

Jewlz,

I can't believe everything you've been through. You are a very strong and courageous woman to have dealt with all that and remain strong for your family.

I wish you and your children well.i hope you find the happiness you truly deserve in life. No one should have to go through what you did. I was in tears at some of the things you endured.


Posts: 105 | Registered: Nov 2014
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, December 5th (Friday)

Hi, Jewlz, I am so sorry for the death of your WH. I am sure you wanted karma, but not this.

I honestly think you need to take a step back before jumping into a serious relationship. You need time to grieve and process the A as well as his death. You are extremely vulnerable, and I would hate to see someone take advantage of you....

Hugs.....


Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, December 5th (Friday)

Thank you so much to all for your replies and well wishes, it is so very touching and appreciated! The recent relationship fell apart, and I agree, I'm probably not ready. I definitely feel vulnerable still and angry at times.

Thanks again!!!


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, December 5th (Friday)

Hi Jewlz

Sending you hugs and prayers.

Good to hear from you.

Take care.

xoxoxo


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 256