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Just Found Out
User Topic: im done
didiknow
New Member
Member # 39410
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

I've been looking back at my marriage and remembering things that have been said, when I could get her to say anything at all and I realize that she does not want to be married to me and hasn't for a long time.

After I realized this, I was talking to a friend that was on the deployment and suspected. I was telling him how I wanted to drop her off at the company the afternoon before they left, to spend the night, and she insisted on getting a ride with her squad leader, the OM. I wondered if something happened. My buddy told me, dude, nobody spent the night at the company before we left.
I'm such a fucking idiot.
I'm done with this and her.


Me-BH (38)
Her-WW (27)
M Aug 29, 2010
D-day May 25, 2013
A #1 June 2012
A #2 Late 2012-May 2013
No matter what "new" information you find out, it's all just part of the same iceberg, hidden under the surface.

Posts: 50 | Registered: May 2013 | From: wa
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

DIK

So sorry the reality of this all is so terrible for you.

Is your w showing any remorse at all?

Staying of going is a personal choice and only one you can make. Follow your instincts and be kind to yourself. You will have to give yourself time to heal either way.

Be kind to yourself. You aren't a idiot you simply love and believe in your wife. That makes you honorable not an idiot.

Hang in there. The best is yet to be.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1163 | Registered: Apr 2013
didiknow
New Member
Member # 39410
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

No, WW is showing no remorse whatsoever, not asking to come back and is mad at me for the army investigation. I'm sitting in the JAG waiting room now. Its time for legal help.


Me-BH (38)
Her-WW (27)
M Aug 29, 2010
D-day May 25, 2013
A #1 June 2012
A #2 Late 2012-May 2013
No matter what "new" information you find out, it's all just part of the same iceberg, hidden under the surface.

Posts: 50 | Registered: May 2013 | From: wa
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

I just saw your post here, I also just posted today and I am still in shock from finding out about my H's affair two months ago. He has left me and does not even act sorry. I've been to lawyers in anger but I realized I need to deal with my emotions first. They are all over the place!
I'm sorry you are going through this hell. We will be okay!


Me = BW, 35
Him = WH, 39
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
December 2013 - in R? limbo?

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

Sorry mate. Take care of yourself. Just want you to know you aren't an idiot, the fucking idiots are the ones who will betray honest and honorable people.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3960 | Registered: Dec 2011
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

(((didiknow)))

I hope you get all the legal help you need. They need to pay the consequences of this.


If life is just a series of ridiculous attempts to be alive, you're a hero. - J. Winger

Posts: 17546 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Shockedman
Member
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

being only ten days out from dday, i can tell you my thoughts. i have spent the past days trying to get my WW to do the no contact. she will not and is not legitimately remorseful. as everyone has said, best to worry about yourself right now. do activites you enjoy, exercise and try to keep your mind centered. we are both in a shitstorm right now, but we can all be here for each other

Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
Athena1979
Member
Member # 39393
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

Why are you an idiot? She has an affair and somehow that makes you dumb?

She lies and somehow you're at fault?

Nope. My friend, you're not the idiot. You're the guy who deserves better.


Married 11/11/11
Together since 3/2005
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
God keeps the devil on a short leash. God will never give you more than you can handle.

Posts: 111 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Athena1979
didiknow
New Member
Member # 39410
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

Thanks.
It just sucks that it was happening right in front of my face. I even suspected and asked a couple times but it was always, we're just friends.


Me-BH (38)
Her-WW (27)
M Aug 29, 2010
D-day May 25, 2013
A #1 June 2012
A #2 Late 2012-May 2013
No matter what "new" information you find out, it's all just part of the same iceberg, hidden under the surface.

Posts: 50 | Registered: May 2013 | From: wa
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

You're not an idiot. You're trusting, locking person who's been betrayed. I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm glad that you're getting legal help. Once you have all the information it will give a sense of control over your situation. You'll be able to sound decisions.

Just know that you don't have to go through this alone. We're all here to help in any way we can.

Post often, it helps.

(((Hugs)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
thrivingnow
Member
Member # 23202
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

It just sucks that it was happening right in front of my face. I even suspected and asked a couple times but it was always, we're just friends.

We've all heard that statement. Married women don't have "friends" with men who aren't their husbands. Get the book other's have talked about. Not just friends I think it's called.

Did you get any help at JAG?

Are you drinking water?


Me: xBS (58)
Married 24 years
D-27, S-25
Divorce final 10/1/09
"She is clothed in strength and dignity
She can laugh at the days to come." Pr. 31:25

Posts: 628 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Washington
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

It just sucks that it was happening right in front of my face. I even suspected and asked a couple times but it was always, we're just friends.

I was so naive that I thought my XH was a nice guy for "helping" MOW and being her friend. When I found the card she gave him on D-Day#1, there was no doubt who it was from.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
FeelingSoMuch
Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

I felt the same way about my WW's A for the first three months after d-day.

Over the last three weeks those feelings are starting to change to lay all of the responsibility for the A with her. None with me. 50-50 on the marriage problems.

I think it's normal to question yourself at first. You sound like a decent, intelligent guy. It's probably just a matter of time before your mind accepts that you were tricked because you a good guy who loved and believed in your WW. She took advantage of that.

The other thing that's working for me is time and counseling. Even if you're planning to D, counseling helps you get answers.

Good luck and stay strong.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
didiknow
New Member
Member # 39410
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I felt like I was doing so much better until I got this new information and it's like D-Day all over again.
I can't get it out of my head.
This guy came into my house and left with my wife and they had planned the whole thing, the excuse for him picking her up, just to spend the night together.
It makes me sick to my stomach.


Me-BH (38)
Her-WW (27)
M Aug 29, 2010
D-day May 25, 2013
A #1 June 2012
A #2 Late 2012-May 2013
No matter what "new" information you find out, it's all just part of the same iceberg, hidden under the surface.

Posts: 50 | Registered: May 2013 | From: wa
LonelyHusband
Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 2:36 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

It just sucks that it was happening right in front of my face. I even suspected and asked a couple times but it was always, we're just friends.

<shrug>

I did the same. Don't beat yourself up for trusting the person that you were supposed to be able to trust. You were on the old "if I ask you a question you'll tell the me truth" assumption which, outside the wacky world of infidelity, is now people are SUPPOSED to behave.

So just take care of yourself and don't knock yourself for missing signs, or signals. We take people at their word until they give us a reason not to, even if there are warning flags. That's trust - and it's what she has lost, not you.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 2:37 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
ninebark
Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

We have all been there, feeling like we are idiots at first. I spent months with a nagging suspicion that someone was wrong. We had had discussions where he promised that he would break up with me before he ever cheated. What a lie. That is what they do, they cheat and they lie to hide it, then they lie to cover up the lies.

I thought I was being so supportive and understanding by saying it was okay for him to go out on a bachelor party all night (there was no party), or it was okay to go golfing the satuday we were going to my family (no golfing). Yes we trust because we love.

Good work getting some legal help, do what you have to take care of yourself. Lawyers, some IC, eat, exercise, do what you can to keep healthy during this hard time.

Good luck, we are all with you


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry. I understand the renewed pain. MrH left for Iraq about a month after d-day. He insisted that I didn't have to get up and drag the kids to the airport. That he was driving his car and putting it in long term storage. I needed it because mine was acting up and couldn't pass inspection.

Turns out he drove to xOw2's home, picked her up and let her have the car during his deployment.

She was his last kiss before going to a war zone. I don't think he gets how heart wrenching that is, even now.

To have a WS with no remorse and to know your trust was used like that...that you watched your WW drive away with her "BF" and you were likely just grateful she was in a close squad, protected as much as she could be...

I'm so sorry for this new information. It is death by a thousand cuts, isn't it?

I'm glad you're getting legal help and I hope they have to face their choices!


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11197 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
LonelyHusband
Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

he was his last kiss before going to a war zone. I don't think he gets how heart wrenching that is, even now.

Ouch.


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
didiknow
New Member
Member # 39410
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I got some slightly good news. I just talked to a female friend that used to be my WW's friend and went on the deployment. She remembered that, in fact, she, WW, OP, and one other soldier spent the night before deployment at the company just like they said.

It's possible that they stil had a detour on the way or stepped out while there but it's the first piece of somewhat good news since D-Day.

It doesn't really change anything, she still cheated on me last year on a deployment, our previously mentioned friend was an eyewitness, and when I confronted WW on D-Day, she just said, "I'm sorry, I was unhappy and he made me feel wanted"

Here's the confusing part.
When I then asked WW about what happened with her squad leader, she said nothing happened. I told her I didn't believe her and asked, "Did you kiss him", WW remained silent. "Did you have sex with him", WW remained silent. I said WW's name in a very hurt voice and she said "I'm sorry, it just happened"

I have no doubt that WW was having an emotional affair with the OP and I absolutely believe that they had sex but it's driving me crazy that she won't talk to me about it since I confronted her.

I talked to the GF of the OP and the OPGF relayed her conversation with WW after I told the OPGF. WW told OPGF that they did not have sex and when OPGF asked why did you admit it then to your husband, WW said "It was just easier to let him believe that we did"

What the hell sense does that make?


Me-BH (38)
Her-WW (27)
M Aug 29, 2010
D-day May 25, 2013
A #1 June 2012
A #2 Late 2012-May 2013
No matter what "new" information you find out, it's all just part of the same iceberg, hidden under the surface.

Posts: 50 | Registered: May 2013 | From: wa
rivenheart
Member
Member # 13838
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

It means she's willing to let you know the truth but not the BGF. You've got a tangled web of lies and truth in front of you. You're going to have a very difficult time sorting fact from fiction, I'm afraid.

If you're willing to give her a chance rather than proceeding directly to D, I strongly recommend you demand a polygraph. In fact, if you think you can carry this through without backing down, I would simply schedule the poly for a time when you know she'll be home and give her very little notice that you expect her to take it. Don't ask her to set it up. Schedule it and let her know three days before it's scheduled. That's enough time for her to freak out, for you to stand your ground, for her to try and guilt trip or bluff you into cancelling it, for her to feed you a few more facts in hopes you'll be satisfied with them, and for her to divulge the entire truth as you're leaving to get to the appointment. Or, she'll try to beat the test and claim she was simply very nervous and that's what produced the results that look like she was lying. These two scenarios, by the way, are how the a poly for a WS typically plays out, based on what I've seen here at SI.


rivenheart ~ heartriven
Me: BW, 36 at d-day; WH, 40

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Mar 2007
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

for her to feed you a few more facts in hopes you'll be satisfied with them,

This is exactly what happened twice when I had scheduled a poly. Now we are waiting to get the money for one and this time I will not accept any more drib drabs of what he has done, we will go through with the poly this time. I will never let him make me believe "there is nothing more to tell" because it's a bottomless pit of "more".


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Topic Posts: 21