SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
New Beginnings
User Topic: Romantic love: do we need it?
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

There's the refrain that the most important love is the love you hold for yourself.

Been thinking on this a bit. Self-love seems, on the surface at least, like a vain endeavor doomed to failure. The whole "I'm good enough and I deserve happiness" nonsense which leads to a sense of entitlement.

Seems better not to burn away one's psyche with critical or adoring judgments. I'm not a promoter of Zen, but there's something to be said for being more of a blank slate, and recognizing that we are who we are in the moment, and that's all that really matters.

However, we are social creatures. We need reciprocal love from others. I have my children, my family, my friends. While dating, I believed I needed romantic love as well. I believed we *all* need romantic love, that it is hard-wired into our human nature, and that we were kidding ourselves if we tried to deny it.

So when I got worn down from dating and stepped out of the ring, it was hard for me to convince myself that I wasn't walking away in defeat.

Yes, there's something very special about two people being enough for each other, caring for each other so deeply that they are happy to share each other's quiet moments. But I don't know that there's anything particularly different about romantic love than platonic love, other than the sex, which over time loses a lot of its excitement anyway.

Would a truly loving relationship completely blow my socks off? Would I suddenly discover riches that I never even knew existed? Has that been anyone's experience? To me, that notion seems more and more whimsical. You might spend a few months in fantasyland, but then you're back to your normal state of being (with any requisite disillusionment), not necessarily significantly happier than if you remained on your own.

Curious for your thoughts. I'm not sure if I'm becoming more realistic, more cynical, or both.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

A couple of thoughts; self-love IMO is self-acceptance. I'm happy with myself, warts & all. I'm comfortable in my own skin. While there's always room for self-advancement, it's not self-improvement.

Romantic love? You have to realize that for centuries couples just got together to share the hardships of life. Most marriages were of convenience and not a product of 'falling in love'. Romance, as a criteria for a relationship, is relatively new--early 1900's. So, no, we don't 'need' it, but it's sure nice to have.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20313 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
wontdefineme
Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

We were designed for partnership. To be in love and be able to be free to be yourself is wonderful. To be in a relationship where its you and them against the world. Holding someone's hand and being one. A brush of ones hand against your neck, arm, face. The sound of their voice, knowing someone cares about how you think and feel when you are apart.

Yes, romantic love when things are normal is the best type of love. Acceptance.

I felt this way for a man after 23 years and expected to for life. For good and bad, and all that other stuff.

My parents loved each other for 50 years, were each others best friend, went through hell and back again and had baggage that most WSs used for affairs. Their love was true, loyal, and were there for each other when the other one needed someone to lean on.

Yes, we need romantic love. Can you exist without it, yes. But given a choice, I would love to have a man love me for the rest of my life and yearn for me when I wasn't there. And that type of sex is more meaningful than selfish single sex.


Posts: 2175 | Registered: Mar 2011
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Self-love seems, on the surface at least, like a vain endeavor doomed to failure. The whole "I'm good enough and I deserve happiness" nonsense which leads to a sense of entitlement.
No. The type of self-love that leads to entitlement is narcissism which is a whole different bag of worms. Loving yourself and being comfy in your own skin is important, because if you can't love yourself, warts and all, how can you have any true love to give to others?

But I don't know that there's anything particularly different about romantic love than platonic love, other than the sex, which over time loses a lot of its excitement anyway.
What is platonic love? You mean love for a friend? There is a HUGE difference.

Would a truly loving relationship completely blow my socks off?
Yes.

Would I suddenly discover riches that I never even knew existed? Has that been anyone's experience?
Yes. This is the first guy I have been with where we both adore each other equally, work hard to make each other happy, and show our love 20 times a day. He makes me a priority in EVERYTHING that he does. He tells me he loves me at least a dozen times a day. He tells me, every couple of days that I make him happy and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. And more than the words, he takes the actions that show it. Great sex is just a natural by-product from being in a loving, caring relationship. This one has ruined me for other guys, and if for some reason something happens here, I doubt I will ever find anyone that can match this. This type of relationship reminds me of my great grandfather and great grandmother. They were so devoted to each other, and they made each other the most important thing in each other's lives. This is what I've been looking for my entire life.

But, it is work. It IS scary. We have lots of stuff to work thru and we do it together. We discuss our fears and our issues with each other. No lies and no secrets. We cry and hold each other...Sometimes thing are hard to hear. But we have respect for each other.

This is the most "romantic" relationship I've ever been in, but he doesn't show up with flowers or take me out to eat every night or buy me bling. It is his actions and what he holds in his heart and shares with me that makes the romance come alive....

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 7:00 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15298 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I need to feel that I am a priority in my partner's life. I don't think that everything needs to go my way, but I need the respect that comes with being in a relationship.

I need to feel emotionally safe, loved, cherished, and wanted. And I need to be able to feel the same way about him.

I thought that I had that at one time, but it was all just bullshit. Will I have that again? Idk, but a girl can dream.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7781 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I don't 'need' a man. I don't 'need' a relationship. I do like both though.

As extroverted as I am I'm also quite a solitary creature. I struggle a lot with missing my alone time when in a relationship.

I'm not really a 'couple' person. Never have been. I like my own company. I'm hoping when the time is right that I find someone who also likes his own company. Someone who enjoys and his time with me but is also happy enough to go into his cave and let me go into mine.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5618 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Concerned  Posted: 7:35 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

So when I got worn down from dating and stepped out of the ring, it was hard for me to convince myself that I wasn't walking away in defeat.

I feel this way now....after XWH...and Piper's sperm donor..... and browsing the OLD sites....I have lost hope that there is a good man out there that is meant for me. I hope one day I'm proved wrong....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
SoHappyNow
Member
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Maybe we don't need it for survival, but we certainly do crave it, deep down.

I'm in the position right now of being completely astonished by the discovery of my soulmate #2........who woulda thunk that the Universe had THIS in store for me?

My guy is nowhere near being a carbon copy of my late husband, but in several ways he's an even better mate for me.


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus

***Used to be hit-by-a-train***
Remarried 2/14/14


Posts: 2295 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
Helen of Troy
Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I'm in love, 8 months exclusive with him.
That said it isn't all easy all the time. It's compromise and it's working through issues. For me, it's relearning how to be in a healthy romantic relationship. Until a couple of years ago my whole adult life was spent in a toxic marriage with lots of dysfunctional aspects.
Intimacy takes work, especially learning this later in life.
The "If only I could be in a romantic relationship, then I would be happy" is a fallacy.
You can be happy now no matter what.
Relationship is also trade off, two way street. You give up things to get things (compromise).

Posts: 4719 | Registered: Dec 2009
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

StrongButBroken, I think I'm in a similar place as you.

I'm very busy with my two girls, my work, etc. I need down time.

NA, the thought of always making someone else a priority exhausts me. I don't think I'm cut out for that style of relationship right now. I have enough responsibilities as it is. Maybe this stems from some attitude I have that suggests a man must continually court his significant other, else-wise she becomes quickly dissatisfied. I don't need another job.

Whether this means I'm unable/unwilling to be in a rewarding relationship, I'm not certain. I used to believe that I wanted precisely that: to be super close with someone and integrate her wholly into my life. But now, the thought of a woman living with me, or taking up most of my alone time, would feel like an invasion.

One cold water reality splash for me was that mutual chemistry does not equal compatibility. Sparks cannot be blindly trusted. I pretty much stopped believing in romantic love as an ideal.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

NA, the thought of always making someone else a priority exhausts me.
that suggests a man must continually court his significant other, else-wise she becomes quickly dissatisfied. I don't need another job.
See, that would drive me crazy as well. I don't want another job and I don't want to feel if I'm not jumping thru enough hoops, new guy is going to leave. Or vice versa. That isn't love. That is fear.

We both have our own lives. We work, go to school, have family to take care of. When I say the relationship is work or that it takes effort, what I mean is that when we are together, or when we talk on the phone, we are conscious of the other person's mood or their feelings. We both distance sometimes. We work on bringing the other person back when that happens. We talk it thru. And honestly, it may seem like work but it is very fulfilling and leads to some deep and intimate talk.

I used to believe that I wanted precisely that: to be super close with someone and integrate her wholly into my life.
I used to think the opposite. I was happy with my individuality and aloneness. I wasn't particularly looking for someone to integrate in my life. But it is easy to integrate for us. That is why I have taken the stance that when it is right, it is right and you will know.

And I have changed myself....this is not one I would have dated a few years back. He is gentle and kind. Caring, loving. I used to go for the bad boys that could not deal with emotional intimacy. This is scary but so much more fulfilling. I've never had this before. I really like it

Oh, p.s.

One cold water reality splash for me was that mutual chemistry does not equal compatibility.
Nah, chemistry isn't that difficult to find. I had incredible chemistry with XSO, but he was a lot of work, and fun, but not what I would call fulfilling. He hurt my heart sometimes. That could never work for the long-term.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 2:10 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15298 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I don't have romantic love in my life now so I guess I really don't need it to survive.

I hope one day to have a lasting love. I would love share my life with someone again. I'm in my late 50s and we all have pasts and baggage so to expect someone to be without issues is unrealistic to me. I want them to have lived a full life as I have.Warts and all.

when it is right, it is right and you will know.
I agree with NA.


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20384 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

chemistry isn't that difficult to find

Perhaps for some. It took me two years of dating before I finally found mutual chemistry, and then I learned the hard way that we weren't right for each other anyway. That did it for me. I was done.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Would a truly loving relationship completely blow my socks off? Would I suddenly discover riches that I never even knew existed? Has that been anyone's experience?

Yes, that's been my experience. Being in a truly loving, reciprocal relationship is mind-blowing, and so very wonderful. I'm still amazed at how cherished I feel, and that it took until I was 45 for me to actually learn what feeling and being cherished is like.

That's when I realized that my relationship/marriage with ex had been even more one-sided than I thought, btw.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12168 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Being in a truly loving, reciprocal relationship is mind-blowing, and so very wonderful. I'm still amazed at how cherished I feel, and that it took until I was 45 for me to actually learn what feeling and being cherished is like.

You guys ain't helping

My flurry of SI activity these past few days was precipitated by my cancelling my match.com account. So I'm going in the *other* direction.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 6:44 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
I.will.survive
Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Add me to the list of romantic love is necessary!!

I feel more cherished by my SO than I ever remember feeling for longer than a couple of months while dating my XH.

This man is romantic in the traditional sense and in the verbal sense of the word. His words of affirmation are something I never thought I needed to hear, but turns out they really do strengthen a relationship!

I find it easy to reciprocate with him. We've had discussions about me being terrified this feeling will end because it did before. But THIS relationship is built by 2 people who WANT to make it work and keep the romance alive.

We came from marriages where the spouse gave up so we're extra focused on TRYING to love each other completely.

It's such an uplifting feeling. Don't give up on it, you DO need it!!


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

OIAL, your the one who asked about loving, cherished relationships!

Seriously, I think that it may be where you are looking? Gosh, I had such great chemistry with someone and it was soooo wonderful. I definitely can recognize it when I don't see it.

I had the best friends, comfortable in my own skin for 22 years, BUT a lot was me.

I am not a pushover, but petty things don't bother me. In love and devoted relationships, I think some expectations are lowered and love is higher. Compatibility is not much of an issue when your not picky. Sure there are certain things, but in general someone is giving in.

Yes, its possible to find that other person and have such great sex, love and even a nice wrestling session.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Romantic love: do we need it?

I don't think we need it and that's why I'm considering growing a mustache.


Posts: 1749 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

All I know is that I'm not seeking it out. I will stay open to the idea, and I will take the plunge if an opportunity presents itself when I'm ready.

I have to say, though, I don't "need" it right now. I love spending time alone. I had no idea how little I valued being independent, and now I'm not sure that I'm willing to let that go!


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3623 | Registered: Oct 2011
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

When I was young, I could not imagine not loving another soul in a romantic way. And in fact, being "in love" with X, when I was young, really did help me find myself. I was able to see myself as others saw me because I could see myself thru his eyes, in a way.

Now, I cannot imagine ever loving someone like that again because I cannot imagine allowing myself to be that vulnerable again. I no longer have a need to discover myself, I have already done that. I KNOW who I am and how I fit in the world now, in a way that I did not know when I was 20. I don't need acceptance from anyone. I yam what I yam what I yam. If you do not like it, whatever.

Another big issue I have is trust. Frankly I trust no one, even trustworthy family members. How can I truly love someone if I cannot even bring them into a circle of trust?

Do I think that being in a blow-your-socks-off loving relationship wouldn;t be great? Of course it would!! DUH!! But I don't "need" it. Hell, right now I am not even looking for it. If it found me, then great. But I am too busy in my day to day life to even think about it.

I do envy those who have it. I watched my niece get M this past weekend and I do think that she and her new husband have it (I have not been convinced of this at my other niece/nephew weddings...)

Frankly after all we have been thru, it is a wonder that ANY of us even attempt to love again. But I do think that all of us do. Some seek it out. Some don;t. Some strike out, others have found love.

I guess my point is that you are not a loser just because you have not found love after D. If you have, great for you. If you have not, great for you too because you are STILL living a valid life!


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
HappilyUnMarried
Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

It took me over 6 years from S to realize I do personally need and deserve romantic love.

It's a journey.

Years 0-2: I wanted romantic love so much! I was so used to being in a relationship... it's all I ever knew as a grown-up. But I was a lost. A wreck. And I attracted similar wrecks. My girlfriends told me I sent out negative "vibes". Huh? Thought I would just die if I couldn't find someone... and I'd be alone--and pathetic --forever. I was generally unhappy. Bad, bad, bad.

Years 2-4: The concept of romantic love became more and more foreign to me. Realized I was just not capable of a real relationship (and at the time I thought I would never be worthy of one). I started working on myself and healing. I dated quite a bit, but nothing serious. But I connected with my girlfriends. Journaled. Picked up new hobbies. Redefined "me" since I was no longer a "we". Decided that being alone forever is actually okay. Better than okay; it was fun! Alone does not mean lonely. I was getting more and more content with my life. Romantic love? Bullshit!

Years 5-6: Became a more experienced and pragmatic version of the "me" I was before my M. I liked me! Warts and all. And I started giving off those confident, positive, happy vibes that I wasn't giving out before. I didn't "need" anyone. But I started "wanting" someone: a BIG difference. My dating became a little more serious. Lasted a little longer. I became open to the possibility of a relationship. And a relationship found me.

I am now in a romantic relationship so amazing and intimate that I didn't believe was possible! All I know for sure is if I met my SO "the man of my dreams" 5 years ago, I wouldn't have been ready for him. Do we need romantic love? I now know I do. But I had to feel I was "worthy" of it first.

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 11:05 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.  Don’t make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Like others have said, you don't need romantic love to have a happy and fulfilling life. But, if you are going to be in a relationship, for me, I have to have it all. I can't settle at this point in my life. I am happy alone, so in order to be with someone, they have to be totally worth my time and effort.

But THIS relationship is built by 2 people who WANT to make it work and keep the romance alive.
And that is the key. We both WANT this. First off, we both want to be in a relationship with each other. That part is important. A lot of people date but don't really want something long term and will even go to the point of sabotaging their relationship because of the fear of commitment. We both WANT a relationship that is open, with pure hearts (which is why we are completely truthful with each other), that is accepting of each other and each other's baggage, and we are willing to risk the pain to get this. We have talked about how scary this is and how both of us have a need to feel safe, loved, and protected....and we do whatever it takes to make that other person feel that way. With our past baggage, each of us have had to make a few compromises or go out of our way a bit to do so, but neither of us really feel like we are compromising because what we get back in return is so much better and I've found I truly want to make this person happy because of how he treats me.

And I can pretty much "ditto" what HUM wrote although my timeline was a bit different.

Year 1 after D-Day....no men, no relationships, I knew I was vulnerable and needed to heal.

Year 2 I met XSO. I was ready for something but didn't want to commit to life at this point. He was perfect for this period in my life.

Year 4 I came to the conclusion that I could lead a very happy and fulfilling life on my own, with or without XSO or any guy. I was comfy in my own skin, built a huge base of friends and support to hang with, talk to, have fun with, and socialize with. At this point I realized I would be very picky about allowing someone in my life again because I wasn't desperate, I wasn't needy, and I was having fun being single and being able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.

All I know for sure is if I met my SO "the man of my dreams" 5 years ago, I wouldn't have been ready for him
Same here. In fact, he had been asking me out for a year before I finally "saw the light" and changed enough in my head to see the value of this man. I would not have appreciated what he had to offer me years ago....in fact, I may have felt smothered (because I was used to the guys that could not emotionally commit). He slowly worked his way into my heart by being loyal, stable, and caring as a good friend, and I saw the value of being with someone who could actually be here for me, physically AND emotionally, but I had to grow and heal first.

I think you are still too wounded and tender in your heart, OIAL. I see some of your thoughts and feelings and I was there a couple of years ago....I wouldn't let anyone in close for the fear of being hurt. I said I didn't need anyone but honestly I just wasn't ready to take that chance. I needed that year or two of healing, growing, and learning that "I" am enough, all by myself, and although I did miss the sex and physical closeness, I wasn't going to date someone just for those reasons. That was the mindset I was in when I finally allowed something deep and fulfilling into my heart.....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15298 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

I think you are still too wounded and tender in your heart, OIAL

You're right, in the sense that rejection has gotten very old and I've formed scar tissue around it. Over the last few months, every now and then I'd poke back in the OLD site and browse around for potential dates, and poop out almost instantly. Why would I want to put myself through that again? It's like playing the lottery for a long time, only to finally get it that you've just been throwing your money away.

If I make finding a partner a goal, I'm bound for frustration unless I can truly let go of all my ego. If I don't make finding a partner a goal, I'll never find one. Catch 22.

So, I've chosen to believe that I don't really want a partner.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
sadone29
Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Are you spiritual at all? I've been watching video's from a guru called Mooji. His talks about relationships are so spot on. Some relationships take us away from our own truth, while others can help reveal it. Maybe we just need to learn to discern when we find ourselves attracted to someone. Or recognizing when the relationship takes a turn and we end up giving away too much.
For me, I was very spiritual before I met SAWH. I was even considering becoming a Buddhist nun. But when we met, I fell fast and thought I was just following my heart. Now I see that I completely lost myself in the relationship. I don't want that to happen again, no matter what happens. I would rather be alone than to lose myself so deeply.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld
Can't wait to D, but stuck financially until I find a way out of this SAHM position I'm in.

Posts: 783 | Registered: Mar 2013
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

My IC says I'm just not really ready for "romantic love". I'm not sure....I know I'm not a flirtation person, and women who flirt seem to get a ton more attention from men. IC says that men want to go after a "sure thing", and if you smile, flirt, whatever, then men recognize that as a green light.

I havent' put my green light on. But, I don't think I ever did therefore it feels foreign to me. I'm trying to practice just by talking to any man that I come in contact with.

I do feel like my walls are still pretty high, but now I'm WORKING on taking them down. I feel less jaded and like I'm just now opening my eyes to the men around me. Actually LOOKING at them, trying to be friendly instead of expecting the guys to just pursue me. Which, granted, is how my youth dating life was. The guys were just there, I never had to try.

I do think I want romantic love. I liked being in a relationship, but I need to make sure my walls are down and not holding on to the pain of the past. I thought I was ready, but I'm seeing now that I have still been pretty shut off.

It sound like, to me, you are going through some more self realizations. Recognizing that your walls are still up too.

Yes, flirting is uncomfortable for me, but I found I have to give more obvious signals to guys. Be open. So, maybe you should try to flirt a little with harmless women...grandmothers, ladies at the grocery checkout, etc. Just kinda practicing being open.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

(((OIAL)))

Rejection sucks. I don't like it either, but I do realize that if I am not compatible with someone, it isn't personal. It just means our FOO issues and our personalities don't mesh well.

I still think online dating is brutal and not a good way to go for you. I won't do it. I know it is more difficult to meet people IRL, but some girls need a guy to kind of grow on them. (I'm one....I don't date guys I don't know, which obviously makes it difficult for most guys but I just won't do it. I prefer to get to know a guy a little bit first, as a friend or at least see what type of character he has. I have to feel a bit of a warmth towards someone before I will even go out on a date with them. Of course, I'm weird and a lot of women do date strangers....that is how you are supposed to get to know someone, but it is very slow going and I can't form a deep attachment to someone based on a few dinner dates. And I won't stick with someone without some type of attachment.)

I know that probably doesn't help, but I am just letting you know there are all types out there, there will be someone that fits with you, but it may take a while, and you have to be open to it. Right now, you may be limiting yourself on what you would consider (you remember this guy is considerably younger than me and pursued me for a year before I opened up my mind to him. We both feel it was totally worth it though.) And I know you said you don't want to pursue someone a year, but he wasn't mooning around and not keeping his options open either. In fact, I actually tried to help him get other girls, but they obviously didn't work out.....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15298 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
truthsetmefree
Member
Member # 7168
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

If I don't make finding a partner a goal, I'll never find one.

I think you really need to examine this assumption, OIAL, because it's leading you to try to sell yourself on this...

So, I've chosen to believe that I don't really want a partner.

which you aren't necessarily buying and is why you find yourself here asking us to reinforce this idea.

Maybe this is a different season in your life right now, one where you just simply don't have the time or the energy, given your other priorities, to nurture a relationship. Ok. But that doesn't mean it will always be that way. Sometimes we just need to let life lead for a few of the songs. You may find that she's a really great dancer, ya know?

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 8:42 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]


Posts: 7682 | Registered: May 2005
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

All very good points, truthsetmefree, and I agree with what you say, except about not finding a partner unless I make it a goal.

It won't just happen by itself. And I don't run into new people in the course of day to day living. And, being a guy, I'm usually expected to take the initiative. So it has to be a goal with some energy and effort behind it.

But you're right. I don't have the energy these days. Life is keeping me exceptionally busy. The thought of romance is still a tease, but I don't currently have the wherewithal or the desire, really, to dive back in just yet.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
truthsetmefree
Member
Member # 7168
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

I was a divorced elementary teacher, living in a small town, with two young children and a seriously crazy X. My requirements for a serious relationship was a man that not only didn't have children but had also never been married. (I had too much baggage and needed someone that was traveling light.)

What were the odds? I didn't even bother looking.

It happened.

And then all the other stuff happened.

Such is life.


Posts: 7682 | Registered: May 2005
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

OAIL, May I suggest Brene Brown's new book "Daring Greatly"?

A few of her points:

WHOLEHEARTED living means cultivating…
1. Authenticity: Letting Go of What People Think
2. Self-Compassion: Letting Go of Perfectionism
3. Resilient Spirit: Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness
4. Gratitude and Joy: Letting Go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark
5. Intuition and Trusting Faith: Letting Go of the Need for Certainty
6. Creativity: Letting Go of Comparison
7. Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth
8. Calm and Stillness: Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle
9. Meaningful Words: Letting Go of Self-Doubt and “Supposed To”
10. Laughter, Song and Dance: Letting Go of Being Cool and “Always in Control”


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

I think there are a million fulfilling ways to live a life, so no I don't think everyone needs it. I know I really want it in my life.

I remember being married to X and realizing that romance was over for me for ever and how sad that felt. This was a few years before the A. I said how sad it felt that romance was over for me to my X and he just shrugged his shoulders, like so what? or 'whaddya-wan-me-todoaboutit?' and I felt even sadder. Damn that was depressing.

I should have gone out and seen a lawyer and filed for divorce the next day. Seriously. That was The Moment. And I just didn't act.

I know with great clarity now that if I am in a serious relationship that I need to be with someone that knows how to cultivate romance and acts accordingly.

Right now I am in a romantic relationship, but we are both working hard on jobs/career/making enough $ to pay bills that our relationship is like a little oasis or vacation in the middle of endless hours of work and practical responsibilities. It's sweet and romantic, but it doesn't occupy a lot of my energy. It's a nice thing to enjoy on our very little time off.

I seriously would not have the energy for hearing ILY 20 times a day or anything more romantic than it is.



BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5871 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Topic Posts: 32