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User Topic: Please help--I need perspective! OW is my children's teacher!!
SweetbutStrong
New Member
Member # 37367
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

This is my first post, but I've been "lurking" and reading other people's posts for months now. Even though people's posts/responses weren't about my own situation, I still found them helpful and informative and I'm grateful this site exists!

I'm posting now because I am having a difficult time with an upcoming decision, and I need to find out if I am "unusual" in my response (i.e. am I over-reacting?) or whether how I'm feeling/reacting is normal for other people suffering from infidelity.

I guess I should give you some background. My D-Day was July 7, 2012. My husband and I are reconciling and he says he's 100% committed to me and making our marriage work. We've been together for 22 years and married for 15 and a half years, and we have three kids. I was completely blindsided by my husband's emotional affair with his co-worker. I had thought we had a wonderful marriage--full of openness, honesty, caring, passion, great sex, similar goals and visions, laughter.... we rarely fought. I say the affair was emotional, but it had started to get a bit physical and was escalating when I "sensed" something and told him he should stop seeing her to safeguard our marriage. Of course, when I told him to stop seeing her I thought they were "just friends" but it had occurred to me they "could" get attached, not realizing it had already happened. By the time I told him to stop seeing her he had already told her he was falling in love with her, he had told her she was his best friend, he was keeping me in the dark about how much time they were spending together, and, most painful to me, they had taken trips together (including a trip to Europe--my husband and I have never been to Europe together) where they had flirted and started to get physical, spending evenings in each other's hotel rooms and drinking wine. He told me that they only cuddled on the bed and held hands, and, I realize this may sound naive, but I do believe him. (I should clarify that I had known about the "work" trips they were taking together, but I didn't know that they actually had feelings for each other or they had been acting inappropriately.)

Anyway, the OW has been on a leave of absence for the past year, studying abroad, and they have been NC (though I had to write the NC email because his NC email was a *!@$@$ love letter). However, she is coming back to work this September. My husband has switched jobs, so he won't be working with her any longer, but here is my dilemma... she is my children's teacher. (My husband is also a teacher). It's a small school, so it's practically impossible for them to avoid having her as I teacher. I have known her for 4+ years and I previously admired her as a teacher, but now it feels like poison to have her "teach" my kids. I wrote her a letter last summer to tell her how betrayed I felt, and she basically responded by telling me she had done nothing wrong (though she was flirting/encouraging him as well) and that I was over-reacting. She also told me that while she didn't care to be a "catalyst" for my marriage's recovery, that's essentially what she was/is (am I supposed to be thankful for her flirtation?). She never once apologized for her inappropriate actions, or causing me (and potentially, my kids, by perhaps being part of the break up of our family unit) such distress. While my husband was the instigator is most of their interactions, she encouraged his attentions and did not stop them or pull away. And my husband is very, very remorseful and knows what he did was wrong.

Now, am I over-reacting for feeling like I don't want her teaching my kids? In my email letter to her (when I told her how betrayed I felt) I had said that if she felt any remorse for her actions she could avoid teaching my children in the future, and her reply was that she would not be guilt-tripped and if I didn't want my kids to be taught by her I should do what I saw fit. I want my kids to avoid her at all cost, but our son, who is graduating next year, doesn't want to switch schools. I think he can avoid having her as a teacher as she doesn't usually teach senior subjects, but it means he will have to drop music (he knows about the situation, so he has agreed to do this). But we're trying to keep our two younger daughters unaware of my husband's dalliance and my middle daughter may not be able to avoid her. Am I putting myself above the well-being of my kids if I make my daughter switch schools to avoid having the OW as a teacher (if she doesn't want to switch schools)? Am I being unfair and unreasonable, or would you, if you were in my situation, feel similarly? I just don't know if I am reacting to the uncaring/unapologetic email she sent me and it's my pride/vanity at work here, or if I am right to think this is a potentially noxious situation. My husband thinks that it's "no big deal" if she remains our kids' teacher. That it just means that it's her signature on their report cards twice a year. But for me, it's trusting someone who shows no remorse for her unprofessional and thoughtless actions with the greatest treasures in my life. Am I over-reacting and being selfish? Please be honest with me. I need perspective. Thank you.


Me: BS (43) Him: WS (43)
Together 20+ years, Married 16 years
3 fantastic kids, 17, 13, 10
D-day: 07/2012, TT until 10/2012. LT EA 1.5-2 years with single co-worker (9 years younger).

Posts: 4 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: PNW
webmistress
Member
Member # 29816
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

No way would I keep my kids in the same school with OW, much less the same class. Avoidance wouldn't be enough......I'd pull them all, and let your H do the explaining.


Me: BW-42
Ex-WH: 34
Married: 6 years
DDay #1: 10/5/10, one week before our daughters 4th birthday
D official 2/23/11
DDay#2: 10/20/12, after 8 months of false R
OW: Delusional, stupid whore; OC officially XH's
In R

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Oct 2010
njgal480
Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

How awful!
I would never have been able to deal with the OW on a daily basis. And would never wanted my children to have OW as their teacher!
I would have done whatever it took to send them to another school.

In fact, I could not have reconciled if my FWH continued working with the OW either.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3151 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

No. I wouldn't be able to do this. And an even bigger HELL no....considering both of their responses to this.

And, the cherry on top of my totally negative post to you....is that I'm not so sure that I'd believe that only *cuddling/hand-holding* happened in Europe.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7680 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Ladyogilvy
Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I'd tell the principal of the school you don't want her teaching your children and why. She may very well get fired. I would also be really POed with WH for not supporting you by validating your feelings. It's not a couple of signatures a year. It's her having the privledge of spending time with your children. Completely unacceptable.

Have you ever considered homeschooling? That's what we do and it's a wonderful way of life.


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

No, she would not be my children's teacher. In fact, I'd inform my husband that he has to change jobs immediately as well as find a new school for the children.

I would NOT have her as my children's teacher. I could never trust her, never believe she was giving my children an honest education or honest grade.

I might even consider telling the school about what's happened, if that would be a way to keep the kids in same school an ensure she wasn't their teacher


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9238 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

they had taken trips together (including a trip to Europe--my husband and I have never been to Europe together) where they had flirted and started to get physical, spending evenings in each other's hotel rooms and drinking wine. He told me that they only cuddled on the bed and held hands,

YES. Drinking wine always leads to hand holding.

As for the teacher thing? HELL NO.

You are the parent, and as such you owe absolutely nobody a reason why you don't want her to be the educator of your kids, including your kids.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
PricklePatch
Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

They were in each other's rooms and there was no sex. Check his definition of sex do a poly. Tell th principle.


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 278 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Welcome Sweetbutstrong

First, I would not let her teach my children, period. BUT I most certainly would not make them suffer by changing schools. I would march my ass down to the princ. office and let them know she is not to be responsible for your kids and let them know why.

If she gets fired, too bad. It's called consequences.If your husband has switched jobs then great, but if the truth affects his job as well, too bad. Get another one.

They not only showed poor judgement but a lack of respect for your children and the jobs they hold.

Since when do schools have work trips in Europe? Any chance they were chaperones for a school trip? If yes that would be a whole other set of pissed off....

I also agree with the others, I do not believe she was his best friend and he was in love with her so they held hands and cuddled.

I would get tested for STD's and let your husband know you need the truth.

My husband and I are reconciling and he says he's 100% committed to me and making our marriage work.

He may be saying this, but his actions regarding the kids and your feelings are not R-friendly.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3763 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 1:53 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I think you WANT VERY BADLY to believe it was only cuddling, and I'm sure he wants you to believe that too, but you cannot reconcile with him if he doesn't completely tell you the truth here..

he had already told her he was falling in love with her, he had told her she was his best friend

Especially this makes me think this was definitely more than an EA.. And his love letter NC email.. Sounds like they built some very strong feelings for each other, and a chance to be far away in another country with wine and their own hotel room was the perfect place to act on those feelings.. Perhaps ask him to take a lie detector on this. You really need the truth about this if you are going to have true R..

And him thinking keeping this woman connected to you and your family is "no big deal" is completely unacceptable.. He is showing no understanding or caring for the pain this will put you through..

DEFINITELY do not allow this completely unremorseful woman to teach your children. You need as much distance from her as possible. I agree that telling the principal why is a good idea.

But I think you have other issues to deal with here concerning your WH and his supposed remorsefulness..

The fact that you even think you are overreacting or being selfish about the OW being so involved with your children here makes me think your WH is trying to rugsweep, gaslight, blameshift, something to keep you off balance, wants to be or still is in contact with her..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 1:55 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 6

Posts: 1991 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
fool4adecade
New Member
Member # 38383
Default  Posted: 4:10 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Now, am I over-reacting for feeling like I don't want her teaching my kids?

No you are not!

I have been in your situation and did not report the teachers A with my husband. I wish I could go back in time and do it all over. Its been 8 years and her involvement with my children has hindered my healing critically. Every school event, every goal my children obtain, she is there for and it is soul destroying. I thought I was protecting my children by not upsetting the familiarity of their lives, but it was a HUGE mistake.

Go to the school and report her and your WH. If they are both fired, too bad. Its consequences. You and your children need to be the priority here and you have rights. If the school won't deal with it, then be prepared to have the children change schools or home school. Its not ideal, but you and the kids will be better off for it.

However, they may just let her go to avoid having to deal with the "messy details" of having other parents (moms) finding out about this teacher's extracurricular relationships.

Seriously, don't lock yourself into a situation where you have to choke down fear, resentment, anger, guilt,and hurt where your children are involved.

This is just my advice, but please consider the long running consequences. If you want to reconcile with your husband, this will not be beneficial at all to it.

Also, please please please be prepared. Guard your heart - you have not been told everything and, from experience, your husband is lying and gaslighting you on the details.

Good luck.


ME 46
WH 49
DDay 5/11/2003
2 DDs 14 and 16
"We never had sex. I never touched her in any way."
*the pictures lied . . . really?

Posts: 14 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: NE PA
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 4:24 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I'd tell the powers that be at that school exactly why you don't want her teaching your kids. Since this was on company time and dime she may get fired anyway. I wouldn't let her ANYWHERE near your kids.

And I think you definitely need STD testing if you haven't gotten it.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2069 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 4:27 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

You are not over-reacting, I would go to the Principal, go above their head if you need too. OW needs to get a transfer or lose her job asap.

Also please get an and STD check to be on the safe side. Protect yourself.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 4:31 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

You are not over reacting. its not just a couple of signatures a year. I have contact with my kids teachers a lot more than that, plus...anyone that doesn't respect your family/marriage certainly shouldn't be in charge of your childrent 7 hrs a day.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4705 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:39 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Hi honey

I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

it's trusting someone who shows no remorse for her unprofessional and thoughtless actions with the greatest treasures in my life

You do not have to do this.

I am a member of what is known in our neck of the woods as the "Executive" of our school.

I don't know how the system works where you are but here there are a handful of people who, along with the Principal and Deputy Principal, are responsible for the day to day running of the school. We make all the big decisions including who takes which classes. At times there is no decision (there is only one specialist teacher of a particular subject) but often there are ways to deal with your problem.

This is what I would do:

Write to EVERY member of the "Executive" of the school. In your letter state that what you are telling them must remain confidential. You have that right. Also make it clear that you have written to all members of the Executive. This will ensure that your letter will be dealt with at a meeting. In your letter tell them that contact with the OW would be distressing for both you and the child who knows and that you fear the others finding out or her using contact with them as a means of getting contact with your H.

Tell them the sich and that you do not want any of your children in her class.

Where I work this request would be honoured. I am convinced of this.

Please note I said EVERY member of the Executive. I said this for a reason. In my sich I know that one member of my Executive is a former AP. So you need to ensure that what you want is communicated to them all so it is not rugswept. As well, given my own sich, I would move heaven and earth to ensure your request was granted. There is every likelihood that one member of the executive is a BS and would feel as I do - empathy for your sich.

Under professional ethics your statement about confidentiality must be respected.

You have nothing to lose. I would do it.

HUGS

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2738 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Angelstar5
Member
Member # 35276
Default  Posted: 4:42 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

you are in no way over-reacting. You may have to have your husband start sending out resumes, or she needs to resign or you out them both...or homeschool. It really isn't ok to keep working together, but if you cant get your kids out of that school, you may have to figure out something else. ugh sorry :(


On another note, and others have said, you need to protect yourself and realize unfortunatly that you most likely do not know the whole story. He will never tell you the truth unless you find it out (well most likely he won't, just ask a few of us if they lie)...its almost always worse then they tell you...for a while, and then they may trickle truth you, but for some of us we never feel we get the whole story as ugly as the one we did get is, there is almost always more...and more...and more.

Prepare yourself for the worst and don't stop looking for it either. Hugs and im sorry your here.


Me 47,WH 46 alcoholic/Married 25y
2 kids age 16 and 28
DDay #1-7/3/94 hooker, DDAY #2,2/10/12 found 100's of calls to a hooker gaslighting begins. DDay#3 3/26/12 proof/TT DDay#4 3/28/12 weekly sex with 2 hookers Dec-Feb. Several EAs

Posts: 753 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Fort Worth TX
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

No way in Hell would I allow OW around your kids. She is unremorseful,and sounds rather spiteful towards you.

And,I know you said the affair could have potentially harmed the kids. Here's the thing..it already has. Some know,some don't. But all have been affected. There's been tension in the house,and their mom is not their mom anymore. Betrayal changes a person,and the first several months are traumatic for a BS. And they have to switch schools.

What your WH has done,and what the OW has done,to you and your kids is terrible. She waged war on your family...that's what an OW does when she inserts herself where she doesn't belong.

Your WH is unremorseful. If he were remorseful the NC wouldn't have been a love letter...and he would fully support anything you needed to heal...especially keeping the OW away from your kids.

From one mother to another...keep your kids away from her. You are not being unreasonable. Your WH chose this as a consequence when he had an affair with a woman who most likely would teach his kids the next year.

Gently,get a polygraph. They are adults...drinking...out of the country...falling in "love"...they behaved as adults do...they had sex. I know you don't want to believe that,and Im sure he's very "sincere" when he tells you there was no sex...he is lying. Cheaters lie and minimize their actions..he is lying. Tell him he needs to take a poly as a condition of R.

You have to have the truth to R. Otherwise your new marriage is built on a pile of shit.

Big hugs,honey. Im so sorry.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7116 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I should do what I saw fit.

Wow she is a real piece of work. Her attitude sounds very much like MOW in my situation.

I have been in your situation. The major difference was that MOW was MY coworker and all of my children (4) attended the school, so that added an extra layer of legal implications.

I decided that my children were NOT switching schools....SHE was.
It took a lot of my energy and a bit of money and an attorney. It also resulted a very public battle. 8 months into her LOA she "left" and in spite of the hell I went through, I am glad her contact with ANY children has been greatly limited.

You may not feel that you can expose this, in which case you may have no other option than to pull your kids out of the school to avoid dealing with her. If this is a public school USA then the tangled mess between the district/board/ union would be nothing short of messy.

She sounds stubborn (MOW in my situation most certainly felt entitled to do as she pleased with zero consequence)

There was no way in HELL I would have subjected my children to her. Not even as an authority figure in the cafeteria. She could not objectively make decisions for them or about them, and her having a position of power over them was simply not acceptable AT ALL. I had no choice (in my mind at the time) to take this all the way to the finish line. So I did.

After all was said and done, 2 of my children graduated from that school and the other 2 decided to pursue a career path that required us to move to another area for school.

The teacher is subbing in random districts last I knew, and working some MLM business on the side. She went from the union president to cautionary tale regarding appropriate "technology use" on school time and taxpayer dime. The electronic/paper trail will get you every single time.

But I think your most pressing problem may not be her.

My husband thinks that it's "no big deal" if she remains our kids' teacher. That it just means that it's her signature on their report cards twice a year.

This bothers me most. Like the others, I think you may have some digging to do. This is much more than a "signature" on a card and any contact she has with your children will be done with clouded judgment. How can you possibly utilize the educational process to the fullest as a partner in your child's education if you have to deal with her? Your WH certainly should have NO dealings with her.
She is unable to maintain professional/personal/moral boundaries....what on earth makes him think she will maintain healthy boundaries with CHILDREN???? This comment makes me think he is protecting himself/ and maybe to some degree HER. I am not convinced your H is truly remorseful.

This is really hard stuff, when it not only involves your spouse, but your children. I am so sorry. I really do understand how powerless this can make you feel, and how it can make you question every decision you need to make involving your children. It is not selfish to want to protect them.
((hugs))


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Your husband doesn't get it. You're not in true R- ie truly repairing your M- as long as he doesn't get the enormity of what he's done.

Part of why he doesnt get it is he hasn't had to truly face the consequences of his choices. He has you snowed. The first rule of cheating is cheaters lie. My husband had me snowed for nearly a decade...until his 2A. When the secrets remain, the M can never fully heal and the chances of another A are much higher.

Is the OW single? If not, her SO needs to be informed. My guess is there would be proof of a PA found. Possibly even the A being taken underground for a time.

Finally, I've seen moms on here time and again try to protect their older children by putting up with OW in their lives. What happens is the moms slowly die from trying to keep the secret and trying to keep sane in the face of the pain. The ONLY way it has a chance of happening is if you have the full emotional support of your WH, and I'm sorry but from what you posted, it's not there.

My kids go to a small school too. If I was in your shoes, I would have a private meeting with the headmaster about the situation. Is there a morality clause in that school? Your WH has already moved on....perhaps it's time OW has to also.

If the road to R seems too smooth, it is. If the things that happened during the A seem to be minimized...they probably were. Something is being hidden. Please don't dismiss my post (and the others) because we don't know your WH, he's different, he's special. The truth is, he's not the husband you know during the A. He's the cheater we all know through painful experience and cumulated years of posting on SI.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣I hope my issues don't discourage ur healing. I've buried a lot & my WH hasn't done his part in R❣


Posts: 10982 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
Lucky2HaveMe
Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

So sorry you find yourself here. Gently, he went to Europe and for all intents and purposes shared a room with the OW - the one he was falling in love with... and they just cuddled?!? I'm sorry, but that doesn't sound like even an ounce of truth. Kinda like when my H said they only had sex once... in the backseat of the car... and it meant nothing... Oh I believed him too! My H would never have an A... Ok, so he did... BUT it was just one mistake... OK, so it was a lot more than once... I wish I had found this site sooner in this journey through hell so that I would have had the insight of so many wise ones to help me see through the bullshit sooner.

There is no way the OW would be my child's teacher. That contact is way to close and familial. Your H does not *get it* - he should want to avoid her at all costs. It made my H physically ill when he would run into OW at work (once we were fully in R). Yet yours wants to have private teacher conferences with her? Hell NO!

Go to the principal. Insist your child not have her as a teacher. ever. Should that mean your child's education is impacted, then the school has a problem & a duty that they need to correct. Could this *outing* impact your WH job? Too bad. I know that sounds harsh, but those are the consequences of his actions and his continued disrespect of you and your M.

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 6:52 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 5972 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
avicarswife
Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

There is no way in hell I would let OW near my children.

I know you really want to believe they only cuddled on the bed and held hands but you need to be aware that WS minimise what they do. I guess you think we are all cynical - well we have learnt from experience. For six months I believed it was an only an EA. The cuddle my WH admitted too at first became one without clothes and included a BJ.

Schedule a polygraph for him and don't back out - maybe that will give you some peace of mind.

Does she have a spouse? If she does make sure he knows.

Good luck - you and your husband should read Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass. I think you would find it helpful and insightful as to where the wheels started to fall off.


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 711 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

((SbS)) I think you have some solid advice here.


1) Let the Principal know. This woman should NOT be teaching your children. As Karma said, "there are consequences".

2) The fact that you had to write the NC letter disturbs me. He was clearly still in the "fog" when he wrote it. Also that your H feels it is "no big deal" that she is the girls' teacher. Pardon?

3) I would start reading as much as you about post-A behavoiur and what YOU need from your H. I would demand such "High Cost" Behaviors such as: He MUST go to IC. I believe you would benefit as well. Then there is MC. HC Behaviours are noted in After the Affair, by Janis Spring.

Another good one would be, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

If your H does not agree to counseling or even to buy and read these books then I would seriously do the 180 which you can also read about on this site.

I know you want so badly to R, but the work needs to come first. His actions need to match up to his words. "It's no big deal" simply does not match.


Best wishes to you.
LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 6:51 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2106 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

No way in hell would she be anywhere near my kids. I wouldn't even let them in the same school. If I had no other choice of school, I would home school them, do whatever I had to keep that woman from having anything to do with my kids.

I hate to throw salt on a wound, but I do not for one single second believe they only cuddled, two adults, in a bed, in a hotel room? No way. I am not saying this to hurt you, but to alert you that this his high on the bullshit meter!
I am so sorry.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I do not for one single second believe they only cuddled, two adults, in a bed, in a hotel room? No way.
I agree, it is highly doubtful that they didn't take it way further than this. They have both proven their willingness to lie and deny, and really, they are both quite unremorseful.

Not saying this to hurt you either, but your WH no longer deserves the "benefit of the doubt" once he crossed that boundary, they lose that privilege. Be realistic. They already crossed so many boundaries, what was stopping them. The truth is, it sometimes takes quite awhile to get to the first kiss, but it is a very short leap from the first kiss to full on screwing. It is a fact!

eta: There is no way in hell I would ever let the OW be anywhere near my child, have any kind of influence or power over my child. You are NOT over reacting, your WH is full of wayward thinking.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 7:14 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9403 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Ugh....You're not over reacting at all.

I wouldn't be able to tolerate that person teaching my children.

I hate to add to the dog pile, however, I also think the "we just cuddled in Europe" is complete bullshit. I understand that you WANT to believe that, desperately, it just has the stink of lies all over it.

I'd get a poly.

Also, if YOU had to write the NC letter---then your WH can "loophole" out of that. He could have taken it underground with the "justification" that HE didn't write it, so he's not violating his "word" (which means shit now anyway).


I'm so sorry for your pain.


((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))


Posts: 3290 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
LivingALie
Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

You can safely bet the house and win – because more than “cuddling” happened in Europe. My H told me the same thing – they were just good friends, they kissed once and talked in the car. I posted here about it and got all the same responses – “more than that happened”

When I sat down and logically thought about it – OF COURSE more than that happened – first of all – you’re thinking like a woman – I believe a woman might be satisfied with cuddling – but men are looking for more than that – men say *I love you* to GET sex – woman *have* sex – to get love. And really? Two grown adults – alone – who claim to love each other – and your H stopped at cuddling? Is he 12 yrs old? Would YOUR H believe nothing happened if it were you? Of course not – he’s a MAN and he knows better.

Turns out my H was lying – and so is yours.

But that’s for another post – I know we sound cynical – but we’ve been in your shoes. Please post when you find out the truth – we’ll help you through it.

As for the OW and the school – first of all – her attitude tells me – she and your H have talked – he’s protecting her – telling her “don’t worry, I’ll handle this – I really don’t think my wife will do anything” So – OW is not worried at all – she thinks she has the upper hand. You need to take control of this situation – you are not backed in a corner at all – go to the school – tell them the situation – and make sure its rectified to your satisfaction. When she starts crying about losing her job, whatever…tell her this for me “consequences suck..don’t they”

ABSOLUTELY NO WAY ARE YOU OVER-REACTING. NOT FOR A SINGLE SECOND.


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1250 | Registered: Nov 2007
stillhere09
Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)


You know, teachers are supposed to be of a high moral fiber. The reason? They are teaching children, influencing them, molding young minds. As parents, we are responsible for who influences our children, no matter their age. It is your duty to see that she never sees your children, let alone teaches them and influences them - and perhaps give a note to Daddy now & then.

There is no way she would teach my kids anything, ever.

Consider this, too - You want your kids to have a healthy home life, and are considering making the ultimate sacrifice of bearing this burden privately. Believe me, you are only human, and the burden you would bear would most certainly be sensed by your children. Their home life would be affected.

I would certainly write the letters to the school board, PTA, etc., just to let them know that the moral character of this teacher is not up to par when it comes to teaching and forming young minds. The children of this school deserve the best when it comes to teachers. I would also pull my kids from the school unless she was fired.

As to your WH - the comment about a signature a couple times a year would make me want to slap him silly! Clearly, it has not ended for him, meaning he is either still thinking fond thoughts of her and wanting a connection, and this is a convenient one - or he is still in the A.

As to what happened at that hotel, well, if you were to go to that hotel and spend the night in the same hotel with a very close male that you considered your best friend, then came home and told your H that the two of you cuddled but didn't have sex, what would he think?

For the record, yes, I think a whole lot more than that happened.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
rivenheart
Member
Member # 13838
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I fully agree with the consensus here.

1. You don't have the full story. The A almost certainly included sex. Otherwise the details just don't add up.

2. You're not over-reacting.

3. You should go to the school board, or principal, or whomever. Put your request in writing, ask for confidentiality, and make sure the request goes to more than one person.

Also, I think LaL is on to something here. There's a decent chance they're still in contact and that he is trying to downplay/control the situation for her benefit. I won't say that's for sure what's going on, but I think you should strongly evaluate that as a possibility. If I were you, I would NOT discuss the letter you're going to send with your WH beforehand. Don't let him tip her off. Just do it. You're absolutely within your rights as both parent and BW to do so.


rivenheart ~ heartriven
Me: BW, 36 at d-day; WH, 40

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Mar 2007
MrsDoubtfire
Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I'm assuming whilst they were drinking and flirting on this Europe trip they were in loco parentis for a group of school kids and you wonder if you're overreacting to her teaching your kids???!!

Heck, just for THAT I'd speak to the Principal. That is out of order! Imagine what could have happened? A kid gets injured etc and the teacher has had a few?!!! Uh uh! This woman CANNOT teach your children. Her blasé reply to your contact is probably because she KNOWS you could get her fired or disciplined for her actions thus far!!

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 11:45 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1562 | Registered: Jul 2009
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Also, if YOU had to write the NC letter---then your WH can "loophole" out of that. He could have taken it underground with the "justification" that HE didn't write it, so he's not violating his "word" (which means shit now anyway).

Yep. My WH and I had 1 month of false R. One day during that time, I was questioning when the last time they had sex was, so he decided to text her without me knowing to ask her for me to prove it. And he bashed the hell out of her. Cursed her out, was so mean and cruel to her. When he showed it all to me that night, I basically told him, "You didn't have to say all that to her. Just tell her that you need to be away from her now because you love your family and want to make it work with us." So he texted her that.

Less than a week later, he was texting her that *I* made him say all that mean stuff to her. Too funny how the only one I "made" him send her was the one that had respect for her in it..

A big reason the wayward is supposed to write the letter is because it's supposed to be how he really feels. If you wrote it, then it's how you WANT him to feel, but it's NOT how he really feels..

I know this is a lot to take in, but please trust the collective wisdom here from so many people who have been through it. How are you feeling today?


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 6

Posts: 1991 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
purplebreeze
Member
Member # 31611
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

There is no way I would allow her to be my child's teacher. I also don't feel they should be uprooted from a school and their friends. I would also go to the principle and the powers that be, ask for confidentiality and tell them what she did and that you didn't want her any where near your children.
She could use the children as a way to get back together with your husband if they aren't still in contact and waiting to resume once she gets back.

As for the hotel: 2 healthy adults in a hotel room that have feelings for each other. They had some wine to release inhibitions and are lying on a bed cuddling. Most adults that I know would be caressing each other and moving clothing to touch and feel. They would get excited and then take it all the way. After all, what would be the reason or incentive to stop? No interruptions, no spouse to think about, no kids, no responsibilities. If they were escorting a group of students, think what their behavior during the day was teaching those kids, what if one or more kids actually saw one of them go to the other's room and stay?


me 64
WH 65
married 44 years
DD Jan 16 2011

Posts: 354 | Registered: Mar 2011
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Welcome, and know that all of us have BTDT, and know what you are going through.
You have been given some very good advice here today.

Your H is being allowed to minimize what he has done, and is also rugsweeping. He is NOT remorseful, he is sorry he got caught. There is a huge difference, and until you experience the real remorse it is hard to understand. He thinks it's no big deal, because in his mind he feels that she is a great person...No She had every intention of screwing around with a married man.

Teachers are held to a higher standard of conduct and I am sure the school, the administration, and the board, don't want a female teacher interacting with high school kids that sees nothing wrong with having a relationship a married man.

I would have to say that unfortunately for you, real R has not started, and that I highly doubt that you have the whole/real truth.

It may be time for you to make some demands for R. One is for him to recognize the pain he has caused, the next is for him to be honest with you. Until that happens, you need to give him the 180. Put yourself, and your kids first.

Welcome, and (((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7790 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Wow...it is unanimous!

YOU ARE NOT OVER-REACTING!

and you do not have the full story.

Welcome, by the way. I am glad you found the best group you never wanted to find. No matter what happens we can help support you through it.


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2605 | Registered: Jan 2010
undonelife
Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Have your husband Go to the principal Tell him u need your kids I a other classroom & why. Go w him if you want & let him do the talking. His shit to own & his consequences to take. Put the in private school if u have to. Don't force yourself to be tortured by her be wise of your WH choices.


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 182 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

First of all, millions of hugs to you. I know --many, many of us know-- the pain that occurs when what we believe to be the extent of an already heart-rending infidelity is broadened to include things we'd so wanted to convince ourselves did not happen.

The impulse to believe the lies is so, so strong. Often, believing the best of our spouses is the only thing keeping us going.

But there comes a time when protecting our own hearts gets in the way of what is best for us and--in this case--our children.

Your husband did not just "kiss and cuddle" over wine in a hotel room in Europe. I'm sorry. I know you want to believe that and, perhaps, needed to believe it as the horror of infidelity sunk in. Sometimes, we have to let information in incrementally.

But now it's time to open your eyes a little wider, and take in the truth. You may not have the WHOLE truth yet--but I think that, if you're honest with yourself, you will admit that your gut knows that, in Europe, at least, the happy nights drinking wine involved sex.

I'm assuming whilst they were drinking and flirting on this Europe trip they were in loco parentis for a group of school kids

This, alone, warrants a report to the Powers That Be at your kids' school. It demonstrates a lack of care for the well-being of the students in their charge.

Given the brazen lack of remorse demonstrated by both your husband and OW, I would guess the affair is still ongoing.

Your husband may never admit the extent of his affair. You may never amass concrete evidence. But here's the thing: you don't need either of those things. Because you know.

Just the OW's and your WH's words alone, at this point, are evidence of their entitlement, delusion, and dishonesty.

They chose to have an affair, and continue to remorselessly lie and gaslight. They tell you you're over-reacting.

The OW's cold selfishness, as evidenced by what she's said to you and the tone in which she has done so, makes me literally cringe; as a BS it hurt to read that, in all its unrepentant Me-Me-Me gaslighting glory. It's ALL about her---and a teacher who has that attitude toward the MOTHER of these children should not be permitted anywhere near them. That your husband is on the same page as OW is incredibly worrisome. Incredibly.

You are NOT over-reacting. That either your husband or OW would suggest that shows the level of delusion they are experiencing. (File it under, "If they don't know, it won't hurt them." And then ask yourself, "Am I hurt?" The answer is yes. Now imagine your children with that hurt---and you have your answer about over-reaction.)

In your shoes, I would let the school's headmaster/principal, superintendant, and board of directors know of the affair-- in writing (to all) and in person (headmaster/principal).

Teachers are supposed to be of high moral character. They are supposed to model appropriate behavior for kids. Realistically, though, we all know they are human; a blind eye might be turned if the infidelity impacted no one in the current environment. OW might be told to be more discreet so that students' parents did not have occasion to see her behavior. She might be told to keep it under wraps. But she likely would not be fired.

But when the children DIRECTLY affected by an affair are expected to be in close proximity to the woman who wrought havoc in their lives, then "just human" doesn't cut it. "Be discreet and make sure there aren't any parents who might complain about your conduct around to see your inappropriate behavior" is not enough. Children being hurt is NOT AN OPTION.

I would ask for her dismissal.

If the school is not willing to terminate her employment, you can be damn sure I would pull my kids from the school. The teacher is NOT "a signature on a report card twice a year." (That an educator would distill his own role down to that is further evidence of the level of dishonesty and delusion still at play.) She is a looming all-day-every-day presence in your kids' lives--one who has NO compunction about harming them. (The lovebirds can lie to themselves about this if they want, but neither of them have the kids' best interest at heart.

The odds of emotional fallout hitting your kids is astronomical---particularly when the affair ends.

Now? Having her around them definitely sucks. But imagine how your kids might be targeted/scapegoated/whatever by this woman who feels ENTITLED to their father--if they really do end their affair, and your WH owns up to the whole truth, and goes NC with her. I think the potential for harm to the kids is very high, and the prospect is positively horrifying.

[This message edited by solus sto at 11:02 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8310 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Way to go, solus sto.

I am so sorry, too, SweetbutStrong, if we have all overwhelmed you. Just some very big red flags in your situation.

Please check in and let us know how you are feeling.

(((Sweet))))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9403 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Multiple trips together, multiple evenings in each other's hotel rooms and they just cuddled and kissed? Remember, they thought no one would ever know what they did. Your H had blocked you out of his mind. OW is presumably single. They were drinking.

Is it realistic to believe that somehow their self control kicked in before any clothes came off? They had all night for multiple nights, and they do not sound like people who have strong moral consciences (judging by the fact that they think being alone together making out in bed is no big deal).

How did you discover the affair? Do you have access to his email, phone etc? I would 180 him and tell him that you want him to take a polygraph on the sex question.

I hope your kids don't have to change schools because as a mom, I know how hard that could be. I agree with everyone who said to go to the principal.

Make sure to give yourself and your kids a lot of TLC. I hope you have friends and/or family IRL that you can tell and lean on.

The fact that you had a great marriage and a satisfying sex life does not mean they wouldn't have a full on PA. It's not about the spouse, marriage or OW. It's about something broken deep in the WS. He has to figure out what that is or it will happen again.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

For some reason this made me think of how I would feel if my mom told me my dad had an affair; and even after knowing about it, she let the other woman be my teacher at school. I would be horrified if my mom did that to me.. I would expect her to prevent me from that woman at all costs.. This is a lot about what's best for your marriage and the possibility of reconciliation, but it's also about your kids and how they would eventually feel about it..

Are you scared that outing the other woman will out your husband as well and he will lose his job? I realize that's a fear, but I think you have the responsibility to protect yourself and your kids, and perhaps even other children and their families..

Maybe we sound like an army against your husband and are advocating divorce, but we aren't. We are trying to prevent you from being manipulated by an unremorseful spouse..

Please keep posting and sharing your feelings.. You don't have to take our advice. We will keep supporting you and do our best to share our wisdom and experiences to help guide you through this..

Hugs..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 6

Posts: 1991 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Oh hell no.

First, I too live in a small community and I am on the school board.

I am sure you don't want everyone to know (which I completely understand) however I would demand a meeting with the superintendent and state that your children are not allowed to have her as a teacher.

He/she is bound to confidentiality but I am sure their affair is a breach of her moral contract.

Your husband needs to realize it is a big damn deal for her to interact with your children everyday. Uhm, no...not okay.

You cannot begin to heal with this consistently thrown in your face.

Your husband doesn't sound as remorseful as I would hope.

Please do what is right for you. You shouldn't have to suffer in silence.

Good luck. Be strong and fight for yourself and your children.

(((hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1099 | Registered: Apr 2013
philly172
Member
Member # 19024
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I definitely would not want my children anywhere near the OW.. especially in a school setting.. Believe me, I have the utmost respect for teachers & have been fortunate to have had some AWESOME ones for my kids..

BUT.. they are human & you don't know that she will be able to separate personal life from school life.. You don't know if she wouldn't treat your children unfairly..

2 semi similar situations happened with my kids..

I used to work at my kids elementary school & one teacher who I was good friends with took offense to something I said jokingly to her & was rude to me for the rest of the year, ignoring me, talking behind my back .. My oldest son was set to have her the following year & I voiced my concerns to the principal & he immediately put DS in another class.. his reasoning was that she might not be able to put her personal feelings aside. FWIW the following year we made up & were close again (still are) & DD had her as a teacher & had a wonderful experience. .

Also, I had posted previously on SI about my OW sister in law possibly becoming my DD teacher in middle school a year after the A & WH was the biggest advocate that DD NOT have her as a teacher, we didn't know if or what the sis in law knew of the A but we didn't want DD to be affected.. My DD did know of the A so her personal feelings were taken into consideration as well.. We did request that DD not be in her class. Funny thing is DD is now in high school & is on student council & last week STUCO went to the elementary schools to help during their 'fun day' & OW sis in law is now a teacher there.. DD had lots of interaction with sis in law but came home & told me she felt uncomfortable, just hearing OW last name (OW uses her maiden name a lot) when someone was talking to sis in law.

ETA: 1Faith is correct.. There is a confidentiality clause that if you do put in a request to not have her, she is NOT to be told why .. my friend NEVER knew I put in a request about her..

[This message edited by philly172 at 2:50 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


"Sorry" works when a mistake is made, but not when trust is broken. So in life, make mistakes, but never break trust. Because forgiving is easy, but forgetting & trusting again is sometimes impossible

Posts: 4767 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Not in Philly.. it's just a screen name :-)
cissi
Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I might consider letting her teach my children IF she had shown some remorse and owned up to her part in the affair. But, seeing she is not doing anything like that, and is being rather rude in the process, NO WAY would I let her near my kids. I would be afraid she would somehow act differently toward them, as her behavior with you has shown she is not a very decent person.

I would tell the principal of the school exactly what happened and why you don't want her near your kids. Let them figure something out, let her deal with the fallout of that. Maybe it will be the "catalyst" for her ending her career there and going to a different school.

[This message edited by cissi at 3:17 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1376 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

((((Sweet)))) You still with us, honey?


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24385 | Registered: Aug 2011
SweetbutStrong
New Member
Member # 37367
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

First of all, I want to thank you all for your outpouring of support. When I posted here I was hoping to get one or two responses, but to hear from so many of you was really, really touching. Thank you.

Thank you too for all the valuable advice. You gave me a lot to think about. First of all, from lurking on here (I read the WHOLE healing library), I heard about "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, and I found "After the Affair" as well. My husband and I read both of them and found them immensely helpful. I just say that so you know that we are farther along the healing path than perhaps my post led you to believe. About the "cuddling and holding hands," (not even kissing) I realize that it sounds like I am completely in denial, but I have grilled my husband in many months and I am sure I know all there is to know about that incident. I had condensed the story for the sake of length, but the cuddling/hand holding took place on a second, more local trip 2-3 months after Europe. In Europe apparently, they did spend evenings in the hotel together, sitting on the bed, talking and drinking wine, but there was only a moment when they looked at each other and almost kissed (but didn't). I also left out the fact that my son was on the Europe trip too, which I have to admit made me even more upset they had been in each other's hotel rooms and that she did stuff like sleep with her head on his shoulder on the plane when my son and his friends could have walked by at any time. It was a school trip they were supervising and they were the only two chaperones (which was also the case on the trip they had taken 2-3 months later). Do I think more would have happened eventually, in the not-so-far future? Yes. I think that if they had continued seeing each other, alone, then it would have been more physical. I think I intervened just in time. But he has sworn nothing more happened, on the lives of our children, so I have to accept it. He has spent many nights crying in my arms, showing true abject remorse, so I have to believe him. He has really changed his boundaries and behaviors (he doesn't go out with his co-workers after work unless I am also there) and he tells me about all his interactions with any of the younger women on staff. The NC love letter that he wrote was immediately after disclosure last summer when he was seriously in the fog. In fact, I think he was in the fog for months afterward, and he still slips into it from time to time. He has changed jobs, and he did tell his principal why he was switching schools (though he didn't go into any details about what had happened between him and the other teacher).

After I heard confirmation from ALL of you that I am not over-reacting and my feelings are perfectly normal (!) I had a serious talk with my husband and got him to understand why this was so important to me (not having the OW teach my kids), and should be, also, for him. He said he supports me and told me it is "a big deal!" (Yes, finally!). We are going to work to change the situation together.

It really helped me, StillHere09, when you wrote:

Consider this, too - You want your kids to have a healthy home life, and are considering making the ultimate sacrifice of bearing this burden privately. Believe me, you are only human, and the burden you would bear would most certainly be sensed by your children. Their home life would be affected.

You're so right, and you expressed in a way that I was able to share with my husband.

I would like to address more of what many of you have written, but I have to get ready for work now. Thanks again for all your posts. I will keep you updated on my situation.....


Me: BS (43) Him: WS (43)
Together 20+ years, Married 16 years
3 fantastic kids, 17, 13, 10
D-day: 07/2012, TT until 10/2012. LT EA 1.5-2 years with single co-worker (9 years younger).

Posts: 4 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: PNW
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Glad you were able to talk to your husband and that he agrees and is on the same page now.

As far as believing that your husband has disclosed all that has happened, there does come a point, if you are reconciling, that you just have to believe that they have told you all. There really is no way (I don't really agree with polygraphs) to know if all has been disclosed and we just have to take a leap of faith. Very hard to do unless you are rugsweeping.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9403 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
katiej
Member
Member # 14724
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

I pretty much agree with everything that you all have posted on here as well. The thing that really hit me was when SweetbutStrong said:

But he has sworn nothing more happened, on the lives of our children, so I have to accept it. He has spent many nights crying in my arms, showing true abject remorse, so I have to believe him.

That was a bit of a trigger for me because with each new detail and discovery, my husband would say that now I know everything and swore on our children's lives, the Bible, our parent's graves, you name it. Many agonizing tears, and groveling, even looking me directly in the eyes with the most remorseful face. And it all turned out to be untrue and just an act of self-preservation. He no longer was cheating but he was also not telling me everything. In hindsight he knows that this was a HUGE mistake on his part but he really felt that if I knew the full extent of his PA's, I wouldn't even give our marriage a chance. He was remorseful, but he still wasn't willing to tell me everything.

I still don't believe I know everything and don't necessarily believe he's told me all (and probably doesn't remember it all either) but I have seen the hard work he's done on himself, the changes in words and actions that have held up for more than 5 years,and I have come to accept that I probably don't know everything and that he probably still has some secrets. But I can accept that and unless his behaviors and actions show differently, will continue to give him the grace to reconcile. Truthfully, it bothers him now when I say I don't believe I know everything.... but he understands why.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't feel you ever "have" to believe him based on what he says right now. Give it more time. It's so hard not to believe them, isn't it? especially in the beginning when all your life together you've never had a reason not to? And can't imagine that they would ever make the choices that they did? I just don't want you to be blown away if you ever discover much more happened than what you believe. BTDT and it is sooooooo painful.

Hopefully some of this makes sense.

(((SweetbutStrong)))


First d-day Oct. '06. 3 more after that.
He is working hard. We are R.

Posts: 480 | Registered: May 2007
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Agreeing with you, Katiej. My STBX sobbed his eyes out, swearing on all that was holy that he wasn't cheating. I never in a million years would have thought it was possible for a human being to act like that and not be truthful. I never in a million years would have thought that STBX would look me right full-on in the eyes and lie without blinking, without glancing away, without his pupils even changing size.

Which is my way of saying that tears & drama alone are meaningless. In fact, they are sometimes the most potent lies in a cheater's toolbox because we, the betrayed, want so much to believe.

Please, don't anyone here think that tears mean anything. There's only two ways to know the truth of a situation. One, the actions of the cheater will show if they are still cheating. And Two, the gut of the betrayed will tell them if they know what they need to know.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9238 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

I agree with working on not letting her be your children's teacher any longer.

You know, in my mind, a teacher is a role model for a child, a guide through life, whether it's reading, writing and math, P's & Q's minding, and so on. FWIW, I think you are right to not trust the woman who went off with your spouse, no matter what the claim of their time together is...they still did it, both knowing he has a family and a wife. They made the choices to cross boundaries and again it's only me, but if Perv ever had a drink with one of the teacher's at DD's school, that would be enough for me to flip in and of itself.

I noticed after he had abandoned us and I became pregnant, when we were looking at baby names a few months ago, he was rather quick to remember one of the names I liked matching one of the flashier teachers at the school. I don't know if our senses are heightened, like we grow antennae, but it isn't something I forgot. I did notice one name I had matched a retiring teacher, and he did not point that out!

So anyway, I think you have a sound thought process, but what to do about it? It's easy to say, "just report her" and all of this and I agree they should know what she's been doing.

But I would tread carefully and think long and hard as you are, because we can't take things back, can we? We live in a really small town, too-there aren't even stop lights or stores-and luckily the school staff has people who don't live here, but gossip is still gossip.

I've heard some leaks when I worked there and they were staff that signed hippa forms, too!

I wish you luck in finding out what to do. I don't know if it's helpful, but the principal at DD's school is quite receptive to helping parents. Maybe something like asking her how to report a "confidential problem" could be a way to start. It's also my thought that being in touch with OW herself won't be much good and may have it's own "ramifications", like if she got uppity and decided to retaliate.

And I'm sorry for your hard time but also relieved to hear it sounds like you don't believe the PBS version of what your WH told you about the trip(s).

Alcohol and hotel rooms and hand-holding only? Nah, I don't buy it either. I'm sorry.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

P.S. I notice in your profile that WH is NPD, SA and PA, too. Perv is, too.

It's not a nice mix, is it?

I'm really impressed you are getting remorse, with the NPD and surprised about the hand holding with the SA description. I'm sorry, it doesn't fit and makes me worry what truths you are getting.

I don't want to be a wet blanket, but I really hope the A is all done-I was tricked, so maybe am oversensitive or suspicious, but I don't know.

And FWIW, when he pretended to R and then the true colors came out, anything and everything I said during R is being torn apart and used against me now. Any remorse I ever got is/was fake.

NPD and remorse are ... rare. And I hope they are true for you.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Laura28 had great advice. This si an issue the principal and staff at the school can manage better than the School Board. Be persistant and use the words "educational objectives" alot.

Also,

...where they had flirted and started to get physical, spending evenings in each other's hotel rooms and drinking wine. He told me that they only cuddled on the bed and held hands,

At a school event as a chaporone, being caught in another chaporone's room drinking would be the huge offense. Once you are in there a little sex is nothing. The step to the first kiss is typically much greater (and longer in time) than the step from kiss to sex.

Not that it really matters at this point I guess as betrayal is betrayal, and he is working on R with you. I know FWW has not told me the whole truths either and I figure I know enough and she can keep her secrets. They eat away at her more than me.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 3:46 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]


LTA BS 53
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4077 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
mindbody
Member
Member # 27941
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

her reply was that she would not be guilt-tripped and if I didn't want my kids to be taught by her I should do what I saw fit.

Seems as though she has given you advice and permission to do whatever you want to do. I think she is banking on you not exposing. Go ahead and tell the principal/school master that you don't want her as their teacher. He/She will most likely ask you why and then just be honest.

How your H responds may reveal more important information to help you make your decisions.


Posts: 298 | Registered: Mar 2010
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

But he has sworn nothing more happened, on the lives of our children, so I have to accept it.

You do NOT have to accept it.

FWH swore on his beloved mother's recently deceased soul that they never touched, when they in fact had sex twice.

I know you WANT to believe it to move forward, but you ARE being Trickle Truthed here. He may even be thinking that he's sparing you heartbreak by not telling you these details, but it is cowardice at the root of his motivations.

Please. PLEASE believe us. Nobody has wine in a hotel room away from their spouses and "almost" kisses but doesn't.

I don't want to upset you - I want you to live in the light of truth. He's going to say anything he can to protect himself, maybe even to protect her. LISTEN to your gut.

(((SbS)))


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16312 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Kierst13
Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

In Europe apparently, they did spend evenings in the hotel together, sitting on the bed, talking and drinking wine, but there was only a moment when they looked at each other and almost kissed (but didn't). I also left out the fact that my son was on the Europe trip too, which I have to admit made me even more upset they had been in each other's hotel rooms and that she did stuff like sleep with her head on his shoulder on the plane when my son and his friends could have walked by at any time.

If they were so bold as to let her sleep with her head on his shoulder where anybody could see, why do you think they wouldn't be MORE bold behind the closed doors of a hotel room?

Wine, bed, talking, but nothing more? That takes a great deal of trust to believe, do you have that kind of trust in him?


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
Guttedagain
Member
Member # 39126
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

In my WS case, he swore on our childrens lives and also on his dying fathers life while breaking his heart , but he still TT'd me so please be wary and follow your gut. My WS is full of remorse and working on himself. He said it was fear of losing us that kept him from telling the whole truth. Makes me so angry they only feel like that after they've had their fun.


BS me 46
WS him 49
Married almost 25 yrs, together almost 30
2 DD 18 & 13
Dday #1 14/4/13
TT until Dday #2 28/4/13
Living one day at a time

Posts: 55 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
traditoperanni
Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Wow, My first inclination would be to tell her to find another teaching job or you will expose how she had an A with one of father's of a student in the school.However, since your H teaches
also, that could jeopardize his job.
Next solution would be to take your kids out of that school immediately. If y our 8th grader can avoid having her as a teacher maybe he could stay but the others-NO.
But, she also is daring you to say something, so maybe you just need to let the principal know what is going on
and ask that y our children not be assigned to her class.
Better yet, your H should do this-not you. He needs to fix this so that y ou are comfortable and feeling safe.
Let's just see how sorry he really is.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 427 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Just chiming in with my own agreement, that you should contact the principal and be quite frank about the reasons behind your request not to have any official interaction between your children and the OW.

- What if she is asked to chaperone a trip that your children choose to take in the future? The school should know that she was not a responsible chaperone - that in fact she was using the children's trip to conduct an affair. I don't know if I'm alone in this, but why are the chaperones drinking wine while being the only two adults in charge of a group of children? In our neck of the woods that's totally forbidden, and in fact we have to sign agreements that will will not be impaired at any time while traveling. What if there had been an emergency?

- Also consider that this teacher might talk to others in the school, formulating a preemptive story that casts herself in a victim's light. The last thing you want is for a rumor to start that your children's friends or your children's other teachers might hear. By telling the principal and other administrators, you're ensuring that she cannot easily come up with a preemptive story to cast blame solely on your WH, or imply he was a predator, or sexually harassing her. By telling the truth first, and openly, as embarrassing as that might be, you are helping to keep a light on the dark corners that might otherwise harbor her inner cockroach-like tendencies.

As far as your WH's version of events, "the truth" was also sworn by my FWH on the lives of our children. But it wasn't the truth. He's horrified and filled with shame about that now. For a while he denied ever making such an oath. But years later he admitted that he remembered when he said this, swearing on our child's life to convince me of a lie. I'm not saying your WH is the same, but that if you ever feel a niggle in your gut about his story, do investigate further.


Posts: 3183 | Registered: Mar 2005
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

her reply was that she would not be guilt-tripped and if I didn't want my kids to be taught by her I should do what I saw fit.

I honestly feel that you should contact the principal of the school. It sounds as though your WH has laid the groundwork to corroborate the inappropriate behaviour by leaving the school, and it does not sound as though she denied the affair. She probably thinks you won't expose her.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1725 | Registered: Nov 2010
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

My WH also swore on our children's lives- it was all crap.
I'm glad you are taking precautions to make sure your child doesn't interact with this woman.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

I'm a teacher. Tell her principal. At the very least, he/she will probably keep her from being assigned to your kids. Blow their little secret wide open-- believe me, in a school environment, people will start talking about it, and they deserve to see the consequences of their actions. If your WH ever has any second thoughts about NC, being treated like a pariah might help to solidify his stance.

ETA: This happened to a married colleague of mine. No one thought that she was being cute or romantic by pretending that she was a teenager and going after a married colleague. Everyone gossiped about her and thought she'd lost her mind.

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 8:33 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3537 | Registered: Oct 2011
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

My gosh, if I had a nickel for every betrayed spouse who believed their husband's affair was only emotional and not physical, I'd probably be a very rich lady right now.

Sweet, my ex tried to pull the same bullsh*t story on me, about them sharing a hotel room but having no physical contact, and blah blah blah. He even swore on the LIFE of his sainted mother who was undergoing cancer treatment and had a 50-50 chance of surviving.

Cheaters LIE. And then they SWEAR to it on their own children's lives, their parent's lives, and any other thing they CAN to get you to believe their pitiful lies.

There's much more to this story than you've been told, as everyone else here whose already LIVED this nightmare has already tried to explain to you in this thread. We all see a little of ourselves in you because we all wanted to believe our WS's too, when they lied and said nothing had happened. Then, when the real truth came out, it was devastating all over again.

Sooner or later, the truth WILL come out - especially if you start pushing for it.

Wishing you strength.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1544 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
stillhere09
Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, June 6th (Thursday)


Read circe's post again. I second every word.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
LivingALie
Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

Add my H to the club – who swore on his children’s lives and his beloved father’s grave….and the whole time he was lying. See, the thing is – those are only “words” – and once they start lying – it just gets easier and easier. It’s the ACTIONS that you need to look at – words are so easy to say.

I believed my H at first too – after all, for 37 yrs, if there was one thing I could count on – it was his integrity. That was something he’d always been proud of – he always did the right thing. I had moments over the years where I would think to myself – I wish I could be as good as him.

Guess what – he was lying about the length of the affair and the physical part of the affair. He looked me in the eye – more than once – swore on our kids – his father – you name it – he said it….and he was lying.

Do you REALLY believe him? Or do you NEED to believe him?

Edited to add: Cheaters will deny...deny ...deny..until you have the evidence in black and white.

[This message edited by LivingALie at 8:31 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1250 | Registered: Nov 2007
nolight
Member
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

I too agree with circe

Posts: 462 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

I too agree with everyone's advice here.

I know it must feel like we are bombarding you, and that we don't really your husband, so you believe him. And I think I can say that we all wish and hope that he is telling the truth about how he betrayed you.

All of us have been through this, including me -who he lied about the type of affair it was, kept telling me that it was just emotional. And the sad part, I too believed him for over 1 YEAR!!!

My red flag was, him telling me that "she had told him that she was in-love with him" and He was too with her"

It just didn't add up, "being in-love" and not having a physical relationship??

It wasn't until OW dropped his ass, did he finally admitted the truth - that it had been a Physical relationship for 3 years.

And what does she mean, she didn't do anything wrong? At the very least, it is INNAPROPRIATE for her to be in your Husband's hotel room.. holding hands and kissing a married man!!!
Expose her, and no she cannot be your children's teacher! Can you imagine the Parent/Teacher Conference time?

But I am happy that your H is showing remorse and working on R. Wish you the best.


Separated - working on R

Posts: 451 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

Circe has it right. Teachers talk and it will come out. You want to be the one to make sure it's as close to the truth as possible. You won't just be protecting your kids, you'll be protecting the other kids from an unremorseful, irresponsible teacher/chaperone.

Here's the story of how I found out MrH's 1A was a PA.

June '99- he tells me that we have to talk. He's in love with someone and it's xOW1- my friend. After he pulls the wishy washy "I'm in love with two women" we decide to R. Our pastor at the time tells us we need to come clean about everything we've done to hurt each other and the M. During that exercise...MrH still claims no sex. We're told to take the lists and forgive. I'm not supposed to question the A anymore.

I can't help it, I do. When I'm triggered. When we're talking about boundaries...when I feel like we're close and he's let his guard down. Years I questioned off and on.

"We hugged. That's it."

I got pregnant a few months after d-day. We talked about getting tested for STDs. I knew xOw1 was a slut. She bragged about having a threesome before she got M, watching her "BH" make out with a co-worker and how she made out with a stripper in front of her "BH" when she bought him a couch dance. MrH assured me I didn't need to get STD tests. He knew our baby would be at risk from whatever xOw1 might be carrying. "No need to test, we only hugged."

We each get a new job that require a background check. The same investigator talks to both of us. He questions problems in our M. I tell him it was an infatuation. The investigator questions that, but I'm confident. I had talked to MrH and was assured I knew all there was to know.

He finally admitted to a kiss on our son's first Christmas- that was 18 months after the A. Never admitted to more, even when d-day hit for 2A and he admitted to sex "a couple of times" with xOw2. This was 7 1/2 yrs later. He said he'd break it off with xOw2 until after he got home from Iraq (he was leaving a month after d-day for 3 mos) to give our M a chance. I went into full HB mode.

Then he left for Iraq and I found SI. I started investigating to prove everyone wrong. I looked up xOw1 (we have moved multiple times) and called her. Yes, she lied about some things that I knew she was lying about because as a friend I had been around them both. She admitted to sex (claimed they used protection). I confronted MrH and he finally admitted he had sex with her...oral, vaginal and anal. She lied about the protection (though he claims they did use it for the anal
). He had also told the background inspector and the polygraph operator the truth way back then. No wonder I was questioned so closely and got a pitying look. MrH had been questioned first- the BI knew more about my M than I did.

I won't make this long story even longer, but I will say soon after that I found the 2A had gone underground and that while I was having HB sex with MrH, he was still having sex with xOw2. He would carpool home with her, have sex, shower then come home to me.

Cheaters lie. They zealously protect themselves. Even all those years and states away...xOw1 lied to make herself look better. I have been on SI for a long time and I can't think of a time when a BS with a WS who had the desires and opportunity to have sex didn't come back saying, "You all were right...the truth was hidden from me." Some of us are TT for decades.

Occam's Razor- the simplest, most straightforward answer is usually the correct answer. Your WH might be one in a million. He might be the WS who has the opportunity, attraction, entire fantasy built...yet drew a line, even while drinking. Frankly, that would be amazing. I would expect though that someone who could do that wouldn't have written a love letter for a NC letter and would've been more empathetic to your pain about OW teaching your children.

It's your choice to decide to believe him, but there's something both of you need to understand. If he is lying to you, he's keeping walls between you and windows between himself and OW. True intimacy in the M can never happen while he has to hide a secret that big. It festers. When something like that festers, then the validation that a WS tends to need from an A becomes a stronger need. Boundaries are already broken, lies are already successfully hidden. Affairs happen again.

If he is lying, he's risking your M more than by telling the truth. Most WSs don't get that until it's too late.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 9:30 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣I hope my issues don't discourage ur healing. I've buried a lot & my WH hasn't done his part in R❣


Posts: 10982 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

Sweet - I know it seems we are beating a dead horse here, but really it is very difficult to believe that intercourse hasn't occured.

Have you been STD tested since the A came out? If not please please please do so. Too many women end up with an STD from a manogamous marriage. The problem is these disease can be completely silent until they start creating abnormal cells, and the real trouble starts. For the sake of your kids get yourself checked, they need a mom.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7790 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
hopefullromantic
Member
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

My H and his OW were teachers at a community college. One of my conditions for R was that my H leave his job. He finished the school yr and resigned, finding a new job out of state a few months later. I wanted out before his employers knew enough to give anything but a glowing recommendation.

You don't shit where you sleep. My H's OW had offered to leave but why would I rely on her? I made my H clean up his own mess. He not only left that job but we moved out of state. NC to the nth degree. OW could stay and deal with any rumors that may have been swirling around. And I know that there were, despite my H insisting that nobody knew. Other co-workers may not "know", but they see things and they talk.

The icing on the cake is that my H just watched two co-workers at his new job get the axe because of an A. I don't think my H will be making that mistake again.

SweetButStrong, I don't know how big your town is, but communities are built around schools and affairs at schools get talked about for generations. If you really want to shield your children, get them out of there.


It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1736 | Registered: Oct 2007
PricklePatch
Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

I understand your need to believe your the. However, if he will swear on your children's lives no biggie for a poly. Then subject is closed.


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 278 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

You can add my STBXWH to the club who swore on his kids' lives as well. More than once. He did it 3 times actually. Once that it was only kissing, then once that it was sex only 4 times, then once that it was sex only for a couple of months. I was last told over a year and a half of a full-blown affair. Never got a promise on that one, and it's probably even longer than that, but I was gone by then..

I REALLY don't like you OW's attitude. Honestly, she sounds like she thinks she's smarter than you, like she knows more than you, like her and your WH are keeping secrets from you. I think she's acting like you're stupid and naive and going to fall for it.. I just don't think she would act like this if your WH's story was the truth..

And that keeps them emotionally closer, like they share something that leaves you in the dark.. I know you say you grilled him, but I still call bullshit.. Maybe talking to him about how the secrets and lies will eat away at your marriage and keep distance between you guys will help get the truth out of him..

Just too many things don't add up at all. Another one is the laying her head on his shoulder. That's not a "hey, let's do this and maybe it will lead to something later." That's a "this doesn't look so bad if we get caught, and it feels good and reminds me of the times we are able to do more." It really seems like an act of people who are already involved, not ones who are flirting and haven't taken it there yet.

You might have to manipulate him a little and act like he still has a chance if he tells you that it was a physical affair, that you just need the truth.. If you blew up angry when you learned of the emotional aspect, he might be scared to tell you the whole truth.. Seems like waywards use that excuse a lot to trickle truth. They tell a little bit and the betrayed blows up, so they are scared to tell more.. But so many times it's not the sex that kills the marriage, it's all the lies afterwards..

Sorry again for what he's put you through, and the huge hassle with the kids' school being involved. Big hugs to you..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 6

Posts: 1991 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

Hi sweetbutstrong, just thinking about you!

I know it must if felt that we all ganged up on you, I hope you know that it was not our intention!

I hope you keep us updated and no judgements here, infidelity, no matter which kind, just sucks!


Separated - working on R

Posts: 451 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
katiej
Member
Member # 14724
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, June 14th (Friday)

Hi SBS,

I hope that you're hanging in there and taking care of yourself. Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you today.


First d-day Oct. '06. 3 more after that.
He is working hard. We are R.

Posts: 480 | Registered: May 2007
Offhispedestal
Member
Member # 32528
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, June 14th (Friday)

I agree with everyone else
NO FUCKING WAY, should she be their teacher EVER. In fact I would pull my kids from that school and let your H give them an excuse as to why they are no longer there.
Consequences!!! Sorry but he thinks its not a big deal??? This honestly sounds to me like he doesn't see her as a bad person at all and she's fit to be their teacher in his eyes. And I agree with what several have said... This was most likely a PA. I'm sorry but no man tells someone "I'm falling in love with you" and hangs out in a hotel room alone with her, drinking and cuddling???
I'm sorry but I am angry for you
You are totally justified


ME-44
WH-45
Married 24


2Beautiful daughters
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)

In R


Posts: 629 | Registered: Jun 2011
Deanna
Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

My husband told me they only kissed. Because of the amount of time they had alone I believe this HOWEVER my obgyn insisted that I get tested for std's. I refused. She took the tests behind my back and paid for them. Can there be such a thing as an affair with just cuddling or a kiss? Yes. But it is highly unlikely. I believe my husband but even I understand that it is pretty unusual that it didn't go any further. I'm sorry.


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1382 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
m334455
Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, July 5th (Friday)

Why don't you go explain your problem to the principal of the school and see what he/she could do for you?

I'm kind of snickering in my head as I say this, since up until last year my kids went to Catholic school and I can tell you right now how that school would have fixed my "problem."

I actually did talk to the principal of my children's school though because our house was in total turmoil and I felt like the school needed to know what my kids were going through.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, July 5th (Friday)

Oh, and by the way, my husband also did the swearing nothing had ever happened thing when I found a flirty text to OW and a naked picture she'd sent him on his phone. He used every lame excuse I've EVER heard, and basically topped it off with a "you can't prove it." So I e-mailed the other woman, got the "proof" (because apparently in the cheater's mind what I had wasn't proof?) anyway, long story short the story went from him feeling sorry for her (uh-huh) and flirting to make his friend feel better about herself (uh-huh) to they only did it once he swears and it was a few years ago, to OK, they met up a few other times .... ya da da ... oh! That's right! They've been having an affair since 1988!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Topic Posts: 74