Wayward Side
User Topic: What Do You/They Appreciate
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Responses from WS and BS welcomed.

Yesterday was a bit of a rough day with my husband. It was one of those days where he was triggering about what I had done to our relationship. It was one of those days where he wasn't sure if this is what he truly wanted. It was just one of those days.

Well, I was just being how I have been to him. Affectionate and loving. I was just trying to make him feel better throughout the day.

It made me a little upset because it seemed like he was being cold and distant to me. I understand why but hurt my feelings non the less. I don't like telling him that my feelings were hurt because of the way he was being, but I did anyway because we are being open and honest with each other. So I told him what was bothering me and he told me that he appreciated how I was being to him.

I guess my question is:
WS: What do you do for your BS when they are having one of those days?
BS: Do you appreciate when WS are being loving and affectionate when you are having one of those days?

BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

BS: Do you appreciate when WS are being loving and affectionate when you are having one of those days?

Absolutely. I may not be able to express it at the time, but I do. Trust me, I hate when I have "one of those days" as much as she hates me to have them. I never wanted them to be honest, but they were given to me unsolicited. I think R would be very difficult if my wife turned from me when I am hurting the most. Just my opinion. R isn't easy.

Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4002 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Yes, be loving and affectionate. OVERdo it. But for me it also helps if you state that you know why I am sad, it validates my feelings and lets me know that you are on the same page, with this being so catastrophic. Say...I am so sorry that you are feeling bad/sad and say I am so sorry that my actions are the cause of that. Know that I will never do that to you again and I am here to help you in any way I can. You can never say I am sorry enough. Ask what they need you to do.

DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Yes, I appreciate when my FWH is able to comfort me when I'm triggering or having a difficult day or just struggling. I may not be able to express it in that exact moment, but I do. I need him to be there, to know he isn't disregarding what I'm feeling, that he isn't going to just walk away. By him being there, holding me, listening to me, I am able to get through the moment easier than if I was alone.

Sometimes I don't know what will make me feel better, sometimes nothing can, I just need to let the emotions out. But having him there helps immensely.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I defo appreciate it- even though like Tred I might not express it at the time

BH-29 (me)

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.

Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

BS here.

The absolute best best thing yo can do, when we are having one of those days is to love us even more, at the point when we are probably the least lovable. Hold us, hugs us, tell us we are safe, you are there for us. Say that you feel awful and are sorry for what you have out us through. Tell us there is nothing for us to worry about. You are here for us now and will always be.

When we get back into a better state, we will remember how good, calm, understanding you were through our dark bits and really see that you are with us, standing by us, being strong for us, when we are weka and helping us heal together.

Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

WS: What do you do for your BS when they are having one of those days?
He rarely says anything. I just...know. It's like a shadow descends on his countenance. Any and all of my plans for the day are thrown out the window. Usually he starts pacing and getting agitated. I stop him in his tracks, hold his face in my hands, I ask him to look in my eyes, and speak affirmations to him. Doubt flashes thru his eyes. I wrap my arms around him. His arms hang limp at his sides. He usually pushes me away.

This repeats all throughout the day. I try to stay in the same room as him. He equates my leaving the room in a tough situation as abandonment.

It hurts to be fussed at, to be pushed away. But then I remember, Not only did I betray him repeatedly, I did the same thing to him for years. I pushed him away for years. I now have a small taste of what he's lived, for most of his life. (His FOO is just swell.)

He's never verbally said that he appreciates what I do on bad days. But I assume he does, because usually a couple days after a bad day, he gets me a lovey-dovey Hallmark card. He uses the words in the cards to express himself.

Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6300 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I have absolutely no idea if my BH ever has one of those days...

But he''s been very triggery in the past few weeks. Sometimes we can talk about them and sometimes he just wants to say his piece and leave the room. We talk later and try my best to reassure, cuddle, apologize and thank him. He likes that but...I never know if that''s enough

WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 857 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

WS: What do you do for your BS when they are having one of those days?

Depends on what their needs are, what their love language is. Sometimes it is really specific and sometimes I just need to be "present", guess what I am saying in way to many words is "it depends". I think as we WS's grow emotionally as we dig and figure our shit out we obtain more tools to deal with these issues in a healthy manner.

It made me a little upset because it seemed like he was being cold and distant to me.

This is a hard spot to be in and I think it's good that you told him how you feel. The hard part is giving without expectation of return right? The problem is that is a old thought pattern. A healthy person acts and it is a stand alone action. There is no need for feedback because that validation is no longer needed. Healthy acts stand alone, unhealthy require something back.

I think most of us have been where you are FR2012 so do not get down on this issue, recognize it for what it is and grow.

BS: Do you appreciate when WS are being loving and affectionate when you are having one of those days?

As a BS I am lucky, TG knows what to do and I feel supported. Recently she posted something and I found myself at dday again, sad and just sitting at my desk paralyzed. She came out and gave me a hug, apologized and we just sat for a while holding each other. It was what I needed.

Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Member # 39337
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I think the affection helps me (BS) so much. I just need reassurance. He runs his fingers through my hair and tells me I'm his girl. ( like Forest Gump said to Jenny). It's very sweet and makes me feel better. It also helps if I can talk about the thoughts in my head. If I can tell him something like, " I'm worried you would've been happier with the OW" and he can say, " no, she has nothing I want in a woman, she was just easy and my worst mistake ever". Then I feel loads better.

BS (me) 43
WS (him) 48
Married 25 years
Reconciling for 12 years
DDAY 01-16-01
A with my best friend
Lots of children from 24-4 weeks old

Posts: 62 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

BS here. When I am having one of those days, I do appreciate it when WH is loving and affectionate. It also helps that he acknowledges that he is sorry, recognizes that he is the cause of the pain and asks how can I help you get through this. Some days, nothing can help but the mere fact that he is listening is enough.

Recently, WH wrote me a letter that tells me how much he loves me and our family, how remorseful he is, how he regrets causing pain to me and our family, and how much he wants to be a part of my future. On tough days, I read the letter and it provides me some comfort and reassurance that our M will/is improving. Perhaps, you could write a letter to your H for those tough times. Be honest, be sincere and be loving in the letter.

BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 385 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 38232
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

BS here,5 months from DD1,two months from DD2.

There are no words for how much I am comforted by WH's loving actions and words of affirmation. When his words match his actions? Money in the trust bank. Add in some version of what a selfish f-ing prick he was and he is so sorry he hurt me? Wow :)

Even if your BH acts cold or angry or does not seem to take note of your efforts-keep doing whatever you're fact,double your efforts. Speaking for myself, when the coldness and anger comes, I need my WH's loving words and affirmations most. Knowing he 'gets' my pain and will soldier through is worth more than any MC session we've had.

Kids: Seven...yes,you read that right,and yes-we do know what causes them :)
Dday#1 1/29/2013(ONS with coworker)
Dday#2 4/8/2013(6 month LD PA with coworker,over for six months at time of discovery) all our

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: South
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

BS here

Firstly, I let him know that I am in a bad place. He comforts me with kind gestures and words and says he is so sorry. It's VERY comforting - like nothing else I can describe. But if I don't want to be hugged, and in fact need space, I find he takes the boys out or does a little chore around the house.

I cannot even imagine how a BS is coping when these things are NOT happening on a consistent basis. I don't think we would be together today.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2443 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

For me it's simply giving me a hug. Telling me he loves me, that he's sorry I am hurting and that he's there for me. Nothing over the top, nothing expensive - just gentle reassurance.

You both have to heal. It just takes time and consistent hard work.

Don't give up. That was my worst fear was that all my triggers and set backs would push him away or to the point he felt like it wasn't worth it anymore.

When I've expressed this he says " I'm not going anywhere... I am here forever..."

That helps

[This message edited by 1Faith at 1:14 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1190 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 39377
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

unsolicited. I think R would be very difficult if my wife turned from me when I am hurting the most. Just my opinion. R isn't easy.

Knowing my WS was so easily able to run from the marriage, which is why I'm here, it's especially important to me that he is loving and affectionate when I am having trouble dealing with the pain and may not be very "lovable" in the moment.

Posts: 70 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Hello FR2012. I know how your husband feels, since I'm a BS too. Keep being loving and positive. Trust me when I say it helps. Don't smother him, but be present.

At the risk of looking like a total ass kisser, I'm going to give kudos to Sal1995 for the great post he made titled to my WW - I'm sorry. I think the mods should put it in the healing library under suggested reading. It give a great insight into the mind of the BS. One of the best I've seen.

Posts: 128 | Registered: May 2012
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

BH here. Yes, keep on being loving. It's hard to accept it when we're having a rough day, but it's welcome just the same.

I like to hear that my WW is having a rough day, too. It lessens my feelings of "she got away with cheating."

I hate having those days/moments. My WW hates when I have them, too.

More love, more communication and don't be shy to show you realize the damage done to the relationship.

At least that's what helps me.

Good luck.

Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 36038
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

A thousand times YES I appreciate the loving.

One evening, when I stopped to take a breath from shrieking at wh and telling him that he should have just stayed with ow, he said, "Can I hug you?"

That was all I needed.

[This message edited by JustForgave at 10:14 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

Me: 47
FWH: 40 (SI username: Bumbling)
DD: 11

DDay #1: June 9, 2012
Dday #2 (TT): November 29, 2012
DDay #3 (The BIG one, ALL the TT): March 30, 2013
False R: June 12, 2012 - March 21, 2013
REAL R: March 21, 2013 - present

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

There are the times that I can understand how hard it would be to express the appreciation. I understand how hurt and in pain you BS's are. I guess that is a reason when I don't feel like I am doing much to help because of the lack of expression. But non the less, I still do so. I know it is appreciated.


He rarely says anything. I just...know.

I know those times. Those times where they just sit and you can tell that something is bothering them. And I do the same thing you do, just try and reaffirm them that you are there for them and not going anywere and that you are in this for good.

I pushed him away for years. I now have a small taste of what he's lived

I did the same thing. For the few months that I was fucked up, I pushed him away. I wanted him to leave and go be with someone else that would make him happier than I ever thought I could make him. But now that he is sometimes distant to me, I can get a little taste of what he had to live with. He will never get to be as bad as I got last year. So I will never know the brunt of what he had to live with when I was like that.


This is a hard spot to be in and I think it's good that you told him how you feel.

Honestly, before I wouldn't have opened up my feelings to my husband. Now I have become more open and honest to him about my thoughts and feelings. My husband has been a big help on helping me learn how to open up about my feelings. He has taught me how to express my feelings better.

Thank you for your thoughts. They have given me something to think about.


Perhaps, you could write a letter to your H for those tough times.

Honestly, this sounds like a good idea and I think I might do it. Maybe doing something like this will help my husband in his healing process. Thank you for the idea.


For me it's simply giving me a hug.

I have noticed that this helps for a lot of BS's. I know it helps my husband when I am physically affectionate to him. I guess it's just the reassurance.

Thank you everyone for letting me know that it is greatly appreciated. I am just going to continue what I am doing and hopefully my husband will heal.

BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 19