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User Topic: My worst fears came true
happierdays
Member
Member # 38537
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Please bear with me, I'm a bit of a mess.

Last week I bit the bullet and bought a keylogger for WH's computer. Until this morning there's been really nothing of interest. But this morning I discovered he has another email address and there are four sent messages to OW, the most recent is dated April 19th, 2013, my dday was October 7, 2012.

Three of the four have no subject, or content, the other is a simple sentence that says "dinner and a movie on your next day off?"

There are no replies from her and nothing in the deleted folder.

I feel absolutely naseous and I'm not sure what my next step needs to be. I want to confront him but know it's not the smart thing to do, plus he's been a very sick with shingles the last few days.

My God this sucks.


Me - 40
WH - 41
Dday - Oct 7, 2012
Dday 2 - June 4, 2013
Married - 7 years
2 daughters, 9 years old and 1 month old

Posts: 145 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

My God this sucks.

I am so sorry for you.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4005 | Registered: Dec 2011
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

plus he's been a very sick with shingles the last few days.
Sounds like karma is catching up with your WH. Shingles can be caused by stress, and having a secret double life can be very stressful.

I would be in stealth mode and try to collect more evidence. How about a VAR in his vehicle?

eta: (((((happierdays)))))

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 8:29 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
ImStillwaiting
Member
Member # 12580
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

(((((happierdays)))))


Me: BS/WW 29

HiM: FWH/BS 30

married:9 years

♥Kids: 8 year old DS 5 year old DD 3 year old DS♥

Dday:3/30/2006 (PA by him with 3 OW)

Dday: 5/15/2013 (EA by Me with 1 OM)

First R:4/04/06

Second R:5/15/13


Posts: 472 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: NY
brokenniceguy
New Member
Member # 39195
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I'm with Sister...Gather the evidence before they know you are on to them.

I ended a TT period by having enough evidence to almost build the story myself, but I just asked a few questions that indicated I had evidence and now was her time to come clean and see how the stories match.

But...I really had to fight the urge to confront at the first hint of a problem. Unfortunately I did that for the first DDay and really wish I had waited. Even with just a few more days, I could have had much more evidence.

Given the details of our situation, the evidence has helped some in R after TT, because it supports the story.


Posts: 25 | Registered: May 2013
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry. ((((happierdays))))


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
noprincess
Member
Member # 38660
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

(((happierdays)))

I'm so sorry. I know how painful this is. My first DDay was in September 2012, my second, with same OW, was Feb. 2013. You couldn't have told me on DDay #1 that it was possible to feel more pain...until DDay #2.

I think you should try to gather more info. Just as your pain is compounded so is their determination to go underground. Is it possible that your H has a second phone? It sounds like their email communication is hit-and-miss and probably a backup form of communication when using a phone wasn't possible. Go ahead and get that VAR.

My other comment is that it sounds like it never ended. The email convo. was just so casual and familiar, not like they were reconnecting after a long time apart.

Again, I'm so sorry for your pain. You will get through this. Sending (((happierdays))) and strength.


"Never, never, never give up." - Winston Churchill

Posts: 138 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
happierdays
Member
Member # 38537
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Thank you guys!

I feel like I'm back at ground zero.

I agree with your thoughts noprincess, I don't think there was any break in their communication, though there's so little information in the messages that are there.

I need to somehow keep my wits about me and continue gathering, but how do you do it??

Are you and your WH still working on R after dday number two no princess?

I just don't know.


Me - 40
WH - 41
Dday - Oct 7, 2012
Dday 2 - June 4, 2013
Married - 7 years
2 daughters, 9 years old and 1 month old

Posts: 145 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada
IAmPsycho
Member
Member # 39337
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

It's interesting that 3 of the 4 have no subject or content. That's weird. Do you think he was testing out the new email? Do you think maybe she has replied but he deleted it?

I would want to leave him with those shingles and make him suffer alone. I just couldn't play the sweet nurse maid role.

Big hugs! This is so tough.


BS (me) 43
WS (him) 48
Married 25 years
Reconciling for 12 years
DDAY 01-16-01
A with my best friend
Lots of children from 24-4 weeks old

Posts: 62 | Registered: May 2013
windowsnotwalls
Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

((((happierdays))))


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

It's interesting that 3 of the 4 have no subject or content.

That is odd. It could be tests, or it could be a pre-arranged notice to meet. Sort of like calling and letting the phone ring twice, but not actually picking up. No specific audit trail and easily lied away as there was "nothing to it".


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4005 | Registered: Dec 2011
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

It's not an uncommon practice for the cheaters to create an email account that they BOTH have access to, then they create draft emails and just save it to the draft folder, not sending it. Then the other person later gets into the email, reads the draft, deletes it and creates their own draft and saves it.

This way, if anyone DOES find the email address, there are very few, if any, emails that have ever been sent or received. Makes it easy to say "it's just a spam email I use to sign up for xyz".

I'm so sorry he's still involved with her. Does she have a BS? Does that BS know?


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

What you need to concentrate on now is not how/when do you confront him, but what are the consequences going to be? It makes little sense to confront him if you are just going to be angry but not give him an ultimatum or his walking papers.

Start writing out your strategy; perhaps even contact a few attorneys to see what your options are. Do not go into this blindly. Put on your bitch boots and get ready to stomp. You do have the power.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20292 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
meplusfour
Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Don't confront him yet, wait until you are in a position of strength to do so. Look for that second phone, install the VAR. Get your financial house in order, check and photocopy bank statements, credit card statements, income tax returns, income tax returns, pay stubs etc. Put all of these in a safe place. If there is a second phone, the statements may confirm it. Set some money aside, seek some legal advice and retain counsel.

Sending you strength and hugs.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 387 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I was thinking the same thing as Sistermilkshake...shingles...stress.
My ws had 2 trips to ER because he thought he was having a heart attack due to anxiety of a double life. It takes a toll on us for sure...however they aren't always exempt from it.
I'm so sorry you had to fond this new info but now you know and don't have to wonder. Still u know, its like a
kick in the stomach. Take care of yourself...your priority right now.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5135 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

what are the consequences going to be? It makes little sense to confront him if you are just going to be angry but not give him an ultimatum or his walking papers.

THIS. And practice it in your head. Remember, you don't have to have an answer to every objection he makes. Have your two sentences ready and repeat them over and over.

"I know you are still cheating on me. Your clothes are on the porch."

What, what do you mean?

"I know you are still cheating on me. Your clothes are on the porch."

I don't know what you are talking about.

"I know you are still cheating on me. Your clothes are on the porch."

We're just friends. I had to make sure she was OK!

"I know you are still cheating on me. Your clothes are on the porch."


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8827 | Registered: Jan 2008
happierdays
Member
Member # 38537
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

What a brutal day yesterday was. I ended up leaving work mid-morning and driving home to confront WH. I just kept thinking, what more proof do I need? Of course he denied everything until I opened the email account. Turns out HE was fishing to see if he could get a response from OW, but never did.

I feel hurt to my core. I'm still in limbo about what to do, I told him after dday 1 that if it happened again our marriage was done, but here I am wavering. I did tell him I want him to have a lie detector test before deciding if I stay or go and I plan on speaking with a divorce lawyer so I know what my options are.

He of course wouldn't give me an explanation why he did it again aside from "just another poor choice."


Me - 40
WH - 41
Dday - Oct 7, 2012
Dday 2 - June 4, 2013
Married - 7 years
2 daughters, 9 years old and 1 month old

Posts: 145 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada
HeartInADustpan
Member
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

"just another poor choice."

I call bull shit.

Gently, I agree with I think I can. How much is too much? Only you can answer that, but I would put money on the fact it wasn't just a "poor choice". It was deliberate and with intent. I hate playing the "what if" game, but what do you think would have happened had she responded?


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
FeelsSoRight
Member
Member # 28377
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

I told him after dday 1 that if it happened again our marriage was done, but here I am wavering.

I know this is kind of along the lines of "I thought this would be a dealbreaker for me until I experienced it", but you drew a line in the sand and he deliberatly crossed it, either knowing you'd end your M or deliberatly crossed it because he knew you wouldn't follow through with the consequences.

You have some serious soul-searching to do, happierdays. If you let him off the hook on what was a very clear boundary, he will continue to step over any lines you draw in the future and you will be open for more hurt.


Me - W - 48
Him - H - 47
Together since we were 14/15
Married 27 yrs in August (renewed our vows in 2011-H's idea!)
DD-23, DS-15
Separated for 7 mos & were 3 wks from divorce when we reconciled
Happily R for almost 4 years

Posts: 1450 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: MO
happierdays
Member
Member # 38537
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

I totally agree with you FeelsSoRight, I already feel like a fool for being duped by him again.

I've good my first EMDR therapy session booked for next Monday, I really hope I can get myself sorted around again without too much of a backslide.

The main thought I haven't been able to escape all day is he knew how much devastation the first dday cause, yet he did it again. That's the part that will be the deal breaker. I feel like he's got zero respect for me or our little family.

On top of that I'm so sick of crying it's not even funny.


Me - 40
WH - 41
Dday - Oct 7, 2012
Dday 2 - June 4, 2013
Married - 7 years
2 daughters, 9 years old and 1 month old

Posts: 145 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada
quirkina
Member
Member # 22119
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Happier days: like you I did everything right after the first day. Then we separated and instead of heading to divorce we R'd.

I ignored certain clues, certain that he wouldn't return to his old behavior. Wrong. He died before I could confront him and guess what -- finances are a mess, strange texts are showing up on his phone, and even his shrink admits he was "secretive". Point is, your H hasn't changed and you shouldn't have to live like that. Don't end up like me..mourning on the outside--seething with rage and regret on the inside. You deserve better.


Posts: 402 | Registered: Dec 2008
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 5:04 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

Is the email address a gmail account by any chance?

The reason I ask is, I have one and if I receive an email on my phone and delete it, it will not appear in my gmail account if I log on, on a computer. So if the OW is responding and he is deleting the response you will not see it in the account. This might be the same for other email service providers?

I am sorry you are hurting.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1361 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
nolight
Member
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

Same with my hotmail account bluebird. Happierdays regardless of if she responded or not he isn't taking your R seriously, but you don't need me to tell you that. You're in no rush to make a decision but we're here for you what and when ever you decide.

Posts: 516 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
movingforward13
Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

If I were you I would call his "poor choice". File for divorce and have him served. Right now you are in false reconciliation and if you don't do anything about this, it will continue. File, wake him up and see if he does what is necessary to keep you. Stop putting up with this bull shit... Before you know it there will be another woman and next time she may just respond back.

You don't have to go through with the divorce but there needs to be consequences for his actions so he can see that he can't play you for a fiddle.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
stillhere09
Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, June 6th (Thursday)


Look for that second phone, install the VAR. Get your financial house in order, check and photocopy bank statements, credit card statements, income tax returns, income tax returns, pay stubs etc. Put all of these in a safe place. If there is a second phone, the statements may confirm it. Set some money aside, seek some legal advice and retain counsel.

Doing the above will help you emotionally more than you know. To know that YOU will be all right IF it comes to a break-up will give you emotional power, financial assurance, and a whole lot more. Get yourself prepared for the worst, and then you will feel much better. Trust me.

I will also add that if this is enough to make you walk, then it was enough to confront him with. If this was not enough to make you walk, decide now what is. Then if/when it happens, it will help you at that time because you won't have to make a decision; it's already been made.

Only when you have whatever it is you need to walk do you confront.

When you do confront, use I Think I Can's method. It leaves no room for arguing, excuses, nothing. Just the message, "Done!"


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
happierdays
Member
Member # 38537
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

Thank you again to all of you who have responded, you're all such great voices of reason and encouragement.

I think it has finally sunk in to WH's brain that our marriage is very near being over. He started talking last night, finally openly talking. It's going to take so much more than that if we hope to save this sinking ship of a marriage, but it's the most he's done.

Ironically the Not Just Friends book I ordered a couple weeks back also arrived, time for him to make some efforts.


Me - 40
WH - 41
Dday - Oct 7, 2012
Dday 2 - June 4, 2013
Married - 7 years
2 daughters, 9 years old and 1 month old

Posts: 145 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 26