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Just Found Out
User Topic: New Here
BlindSighted2013
New Member
Member # 39423
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Hello all, I discovered this forum a couple of weeks ago. THANK YOU to all who have posted to make this community so valuable. I have read many of your stories and felt despair, sadness, but also hope and immense human decency.

My WS met someone in 2000 and I noticed then that he would talk about her often, also noticed then that the talking stopped, but I didn't think too much of it since he had been doing a construction job at her house, and that also had stopped.

Along the years I did see signs and now that I looked back, I went through quite a bit of beating myself up for ignoring those signs. I *think* that reading this forum has helped me to stop beating myself up for that. It is what it is (UGH!).

There is lots more in between, but that's the general gyst of things.

The first two weeks after D-Day, I honestly didn't think that I would live through this. My entire world as I've known it was a lie. I've tried to look back to remember the good times, but those good time memories seem to only be able to make me utterly sad and despondent. I've felt like throwing every single thing that he ever gave to me into the garbage. I did throw quite a bit actually, and it empowered me for about 2 seconds each time, until the reality set back in.

I confronted him on D day and he lied about it. The next day, I told him that it was over. I'm actually SHOCKED at myself for how calmly that I handled it at that time...and I don't think that the true reality had set in yet.

It took WS about three days to start begging me to try and work it out. I guess by the end of the first week after D-Day, I agreed to allow him to help me through my emotion and try to wade our way through together one hour at a time. He cut off all communication with the OP. He agreed to total transparency.

He HAS totally wrapped me in his arms and I do feel protected. He has totally answered my questions...sometimes the same questions over and over.

I looked up recommended marriage counselors and he called to set up our first appt, but unfortunately the first available is June 21st and so he took that, but also we are on a cancellation will call list (supposedly) if something comes up sooner.

Meanwhile, yesterday was the very first time that I woke up and felt human again. Unfortunately that only lasted for 5-6 hours and then all of the mind tapes came rolling back in. I feel like I am having to always try and relax just to LIVE and do normal things like breathe LOL...and yet with these mind thoughts, it feels like someone is constantly poking my arm every 1-2 minutes. I am hopeful though that since I had some good hours yesterday for the first time, that maybe those hours will come more often now as time goes on.

Okay, that's my intro. I am happy to have found this forum.


D-Day 5/7/13 discovered his 12 year affair
BS - Me 50
WS - Hubby 51
Married (do I still call it that after this?) 33 yrs

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jun 2013
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Welcome to the club that no one wanted to join. I'm glad you found us. This is a fantastic site filled with kind, compassionate people willing to help in any way we can.

If you haven't already read through the healing library. It can be found in the yellow box in the upper left corner.

I do see positives in your story which will help a great deal. He sounds remorseful and will to do whatever it takes to help you. He's answer questions (even the same questions) which is something that most of us wish we had. He's transparent. All this tells me he's trying.

You're going to have good days and bad days. Some days can start out well and then come crashing down. It's unfortunately all part of the roller coaster ride, complete with all the dips, twists and turns.

Try to remember that during all this you still need to take care of yourself, eat, drink water, try to get plenty of sleep.

Sending you (((HUGS))) and strength.

Keep posting, it helps.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5836 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Helpless  Posted: 12:58 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

So sorry you are here but know that you are among people who know your pain and understand.


I can feel your broken heart! I know that ache. We all do.

I can't express how sorry I am you are going through this, but I can tell you, it will get better. It is so hard to find your happiness again, but you can. It's out there. You just don't know what it looks like yet.

Finding a good therapist is a strong step forward to healing. Sometimes, just the act of reaching out for help empowers you. You began that road when you posted here.

If you or your husband have an EAP through your work check with them as they can get you into a counselor a lot sooner than the 21st.

This is a very safe and compassionate place to be as you work through it all.

Your WH's decision to cheat has nothing to do with you. There is no excuse for infidelity. His issues - his choice.

Hold your head up, be strong, you did nothing wrong!

Writing here is very cathartic. Sometimes just typing your thoughts helps you process the mess. It can bring a little clarity to a completely unclear and unbelievable situation.

Plus, this place is just full of very kind and caring people that totally get it!

Please remember to take care of you. This kind of pain takes a wicked toll on the body and soul.

It is still very raw and very new for you. Look up articles in the healing library. Be prepared for additional revelations. Trickle truth is very common.

We are rooting for you. Don't feel pressured to make any decisions today. You don't have to decide to stay or to go. Take it one day at a time.

Good luck. Sending hugs


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1103 | Registered: Apr 2013
BlindSighted2013
New Member
Member # 39423
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Some days can start out well and then come crashing down. It's unfortunately all part of the roller coaster ride, complete with all the dips, twists and turns.

Try to remember that during all this you still need to take care of yourself, eat, drink water, try to get plenty of sleep.

Sending you (((HUGS))) and strength.

Thank you Simply. I am getting better at taking care of myself now, but I did not do well at it at first. Still not perfect, but hubby does always seem to interrupt our nightly discussions to make sure that I eat. That feels wonderful to me, as for 33 years, he never did stuff like that before.

I guess one thing that is huge for me that I can't seem to reconcile in my head, is just HOW he could have loved me and done this to me? Back when we were younger, our marriage had problems (obviously LOL) and I had opportunity for affairs too...but I loved him too much to allow myself to cross that line.

He claims that the A was only sexual for the first two years, and then it became a friendship. He doesn't get how that only makes me feel worse! He does get that it was an emotional affair, but he keeps saying it like that as if somehow when it became emotional, it wasn't as bad. I *think* that I could handle mindless sex easier than a true bond as theirs obviously was. :(

Yes, I have been to the Healing Library a ton. It is chalk full of extremely helpful info.

I don't quite get the 180 thing. It makes sense when one spouse has left or totally withdrawn, but how can you build a new relationship and aim towards R if the BS remains distant and doesn't share their feelings?

All ideas welcome. :)


D-Day 5/7/13 discovered his 12 year affair
BS - Me 50
WS - Hubby 51
Married (do I still call it that after this?) 33 yrs

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jun 2013
Shockedman
Member
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I agree that you have some light at the end of your tunnel. I am only 11 days out from dday and there is no light. My WW is not trying and is not being transparent and doing a lot of blame shifting. SInce your mate seems to really want to try, then you do have a fighting chance at success. The greater amount of willingness you see from him the better chance you had. And don't beat yourself up at all. YOU did nothing wrong. YOU did not cause this. It is always 100% their fault they cheated. You can talk comfort in that. You may or may not have contributed to some unhappiness in your marriage, but NOTHING justifies an affair. Also don't feel bad about asking him the same things over and over. If he is really in it, he will answer the same question 100 times. You need to re-establish trust in your relationship. I am in this boat with you, but my situation is going another route. I am here for virtual hugs...

Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I am glad that something I said was of help to you.

hubby does always seem to interrupt our nightly discussions to make sure that I eat. That feels wonderful to me, as for 33 years, he never did stuff like that before.

^^This is a good sign. He is showing his concern for you and being attentive.


I guess one thing that is huge for me that I can't seem to reconcile in my head, is just HOW he could have loved me and done this to me? Back when we were younger, our marriage had problems (obviously LOL) and I had opportunity for affairs too...but I loved him too much to allow myself to cross that line.

He claims that the A was only sexual for the first two years, and then it became a friendship. He doesn't get how that only makes me feel worse! He does get that it was an emotional affair, but he keeps saying it like that as if somehow when it became emotional, it wasn't as bad. I *think* that I could handle mindless sex easier than a true bond as theirs obviously was. :(

This is just the way I see things. Try not to look at as he did this to you. The BS is, for lack of a better word, collateral damage in their affair. The WS seeks out an affair for whatever reason is floating around in their head and they don't see what the potential ripple effect will be. Then, again depending on the WS, once the affair is discovered by the BS the fog is lifted and see what they did and how wrong and hurtful it was. Most people think that what they do secretly will not have any affect on anyone else and is, in a sense, a victimless crime. Well it's not. I think your husband realizes this and is now showing you how sorry he is by his actions. Actions always speak louder than words and to me his actions are screaming that he's sorry and he wants to work on the marriage. I would've given anything for my husband to do that but I'm not as lucky.

I think what he may mean when he says that after the physical affair ended and the emotional affair continues as "not that bad" because maybe he put more weight to the physical and that maybe he saw it once that was over the affair was over and that they were just friends after. I hope that came out the way I wanted it.

There are a lot of success stories here and just from your posts I'm optimistic that you'll be one of them, that is if he continues with the transparency, answering all your questions and goes to MC. These are all positive signs.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5836 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
dontstop
New Member
Member # 39395
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Wow, you said so many things that happened in my situation. I was shocked with my calmness too. My WS answered the same questions over and over and agreed to complete transparency. I know what you mean about feeling normal some days too. I really hope things work out for you. I understand what you're going through as I'm going through it myself. Thank you for sharing your story.

Posts: 25 | Registered: May 2013
BlindSighted2013
New Member
Member # 39423
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I am only 11 days out from dday and there is no light.

I am so sorry, shockedman. I did realize (after the first week of hell) that it appears that I am fortunate to at least have had my spouse reach out to me. I remember reading other articles on the internet and still thinking at that time how on earth I could ever live with this...but now that I'm into it, I AM grateful that (so far) we have gotten through one day at a time.

If you or your husband have an EAP through your work check with them

1Faith, I appreciate that tip. I will check tomorrow. And also thanks for the tip on "trickle truth"...more UGH but I do understand.

This kind of pain takes a wicked toll on the body and soul.

Boy can you say that again and again. I just had surgery last August for ovarian cancer (stage 1), and I HAD almost felt normal again finally....not any more. I am having pain in my midsection again and I'm confident that is just because of being in a twisted knot for days on end...but I did call my oncologist and he sent me today for a CA125 (cancer blood test) just to have peace of mind.

This brings up another thing that I still struggle with....just what kind of person could still carry on an affair (even emotional at that point) WHILE your wife of 33 yrs is going through such a low point in their life? When I looked up his phone records, he spent 23 minutes talking with her on the day of my surgery and he didn't waste any time doing it....left my hospital room at 9:30 and was on the phone with her by 9:45.

Try not to look at as he did this to you. The BS is, for lack of a better word, collateral damage in their affair. The WS seeks out an affair for whatever reason is floating around in their head and they don't see what the potential ripple effect will be. Then, again depending on the WS, once the affair is discovered by the BS the fog is lifted and see what they did and how wrong and hurtful it was. Most people think that what they do secretly will not have any affect on anyone else and is, in a sense, a victimless crime.

Wow, that makes a lot of sense. He does keep saying over and over how he didn't mean to hurt anyone. That has mystified me and I don't even know how to reply to him, and so I don't. I will have to give this a lot of thought, thank you for your well expressed explanation.


D-Day 5/7/13 discovered his 12 year affair
BS - Me 50
WS - Hubby 51
Married (do I still call it that after this?) 33 yrs

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jun 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

BS 13 welcome,

Sorry to hear of your situation, but as others have indicated he seems to get what he has done, and has started to the hard work of R. Be vigilent still though. My H was doing the work of R, but still breaking NC. Stating that they were friends, and it was hard to not talk to her. It's like breaking a habit. You need to have passwords to phones, emails, etc, unlimited access to look at his computer/tablet etc. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. We established NC the first day, and he broke it the fourth day. We reesatablished again (when I figured it out), and so forth. Does the AP have a spouse? Has anyone let that poor soul know? If not you need to.

Care for yourself, put yourself first in everything. Make sure you are eating and drinking (water) and getting rest. If you aren't then contact your Dr. Get something to help you through the rough patch. I always found I was less in control of my emotions when I was sleep deprived.

Get the books Not Just Friends, and After the Affair, and both start reading it. He has to figure out why he did this, what was missing within himself that he felt the need to seek out another.

Good luck on your blood work, and don't freak if your numbers bump a bit, the markers can when you are under this kind of stress. Hell you survived that year of hell, you will come through this with strength, and flying colors.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7815 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 9