SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: I Think We're Done
looking forward
Member
Member # 25238
Helpless  Posted: 7:26 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

It was too big a betrayal and too long a lie.
I ruined his life.
40 years of lies.
I have tried so hard to be what he wants.
He is not healing.
He is so angry.
No IC or MC.
Just you great people here on SI.
So lonely right now.

So terribly, terribly sad....guilty, ashamed...I have ruined this good man's life...so many years together...over 45.
Sunday was our 41st wedding anniversary. It was a painful day. He said why should we celebrate when 36 years were nothing but lies?
But, ironically, he's the one who wanted to celebrate last year, our 40th. It was his idea to return to the church where we were married. I wore my wedding dress. H was handsome in his tuxedo. My sister and brother came. My brother died six months ago, and my sister said it was the happiest day in a long time for my brother.
Now, because I slipped once, my H said he won't be home on Saturday when we are hosting my brother's memorial service and scattering his ashes.
What did I do?
I failed to announce my presence! My H has his back to the door when he is on the computer. The stairs are carpeted. A few months ago he asked me to announce my presence (from before I get to the landing) so that he isn't startled. I forgot tonight. I was heading to the third floor and didn't say anything. My mind was on the funeral of a fellow parishioner tomorrow (excuse??). So, now this one instance has resulted in this current state.
Living on egg shells for 4 years.....
Advice, please.

ETA:

I really think we're done.

My H has the TV on when he is on the computer.

His hearing is not what it used to be - he's almost 66.

No, he is not hiding anything. I can see the monitor when I come upstairs.

Yes, his nerves are shot.
He suffers from PTSD.

[This message edited by looking forward at 8:03 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2804 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

First, I am so sorry you are hurting. I read your profile

Did you're A end in '97?

I only have the words of Jesus Christ. We are all sinners and we all need forgiveness.

If you have ended the A and love your husband you can't live in limbo.

I am sorry for the loss of your brother.

Life goes on. He needs to forgive you or let you go. You can't pay for this indefinitely.

Curious to why you have to announce your presence? What is he hiding?

Forgiveness = the greatest gift.

Prayers and hugs


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 842 | Registered: Apr 2013
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

*sigh*

(((lf)))

What did I do?
I failed to announce my presence! My H has his back to the door when he is on the computer. The stairs are carpeted. A few months ago he asked me to announce my presence (from before I get to the landing) so that he isn't startled. I forgot tonight. I was heading to the third floor and didn't say anything. My mind was on the funeral of a fellow parishioner tomorrow (excuse??). So, now this one instance has resulted in this current state.
Living on egg shells for 4 years.....

So he doesn't get startled MY ASS!! He's hiding something and you ALMOST caught him, so he re-directed everything at you, so that YOU feel guilty.


Posts: 10976 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

A few months ago he asked me to announce my presence (from before I get to the landing) so that he isn't startled.
Why? Is he easily scared? Suffers from PTSD? What is the logic in this request?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"You can do it!" - R. Schneider


Posts: 5484 | Registered: Nov 2011
looking forward
Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Hello,
I am going to return to my original post and edit, as in add information.

My H has the TV on when he is on the computer.

His hearing is not what it used to be - he's almost 66.

No, he is not hiding anything. I can see the monitor when I come upstairs.

Yes, his nerves are shot.
He suffers from PTSD.


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2804 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
looking forward
Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

@1Faith

No, the A ended in 1987.
But I lied about its length and the truth came out in 2009 when my H asked me a question, totally out of the blue.
We had rugswept for 22 years.

And I have God's grace.

My H says he forgives me; it's the OM, his dead BF that he can't or won't ever forgive, not that I think he should. But, IMO, this is what is preventing him from really healing.


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2804 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

OK, so I have PTSD and I also have MS which causes lesions in my brain. Upon the first MS 'episode', my startle reflex tweaked. If someone startles me, my response is waaaaaaay out of proportion. Still, I say that expecting you to announce your presence OR the M ends is a bit extreme, don't you think??

Posts: 10976 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
looking forward
Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

No, it's not a matter of the marriage ending. It's my feeling.
I think it's the straw that broke the camel's back.

It's been a lose-lose situation for over 4 years.
I am feeling very negative.


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2804 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I am feeling very negative.
I see that. (((lf)))

And I'm feeling very confused about what's going on. You walked upstairs without announcing your presence and now he isn't going to be there for your brother's service?? It's just not making sense to me.


Posts: 10976 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

It's been a lose-lose situation for over 4 years.
And I disagree with this because of THIS:

But, ironically, he's the one who wanted to celebrate last year, our 40th. It was his idea to return to the church where we were married. I wore my wedding dress. H was handsome in his tuxedo. My sister and brother came. My brother died six months ago, and my sister said it was the happiest day in a long time for my brother.

I remember when you did that.

And I'm sorry for the loss of your brother.


Posts: 10976 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
looking forward
Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

You walked upstairs without announcing your presence and now he isn't going to be there for your brother's service?? It's just not making sense to me.

It's because I disrespected him. I didn't let him know I was coming upstairs, so as to not startle him, with his nerves shot, high anxiety & stress levels.

Oh, and the 40th anniversary?
H said he did it for me, not for himself.

[This message edited by looking forward at 8:50 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2804 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Oh, and the 40th anniversary?
H said he did it for me, not for himself.
No. Look at your profile- at the things he wrote to you. He re-committed himself to you.

It's because I disrespected him. I didn't let him know I was coming upstairs, so as to not startle him, with his nerves shot, high anxiety & stress levels.
I understand the words, just not the logic behind the behavior. I don't see how you startling him (being disrespectful, in his eyes) equals him not attending the service and honoring his BIL.

It still doesn't add up. I hate to say this, but EVERY TIME I've seen a FBS behave this way, it was for a reason, but not for the reasons they told their FWSs.


Posts: 10976 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
EasyDoesIt
Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

No stop sign. BS here. I guess that he has the right to change his mind about continuing a relationship which he believes has been one big lie. Sometimes consequences for our actions are rapid and obvious, other times consequences take a while. I don't think that the surprising him was the last straw, I think it just motivated him to tell you what he's been thinking anyway. At the end of my "marriage" there wasn't anything that was the last straw, I had already decided that it was over and was just waiting for the opportunity to declare it.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3655 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
looking forward
Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

@EasyDoesIt:

You misunderstand.

H did not say that we're done.
This is totally my feelings right now.


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2804 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Lookingforward. i'm really sorry for your pain.

i think it's important not to make your failures greater than they are. I've read your story. Yep, you did a bad thing. But you did not ruin his life. Even if now he decides that he regrets he married you, you still haven't ruined his life. Not EVERYTHING was a lie. You know this. So does he.

Yep, he was betrayed by you and his best friend. That's not a happy thing. But a marital life, and trust in a friend is not life itself. his life has not been ruined. If he feels it has, that's unfortunate. But a life is more than a marriage.

maybe his love for you has been ruined. i hope not.

Please remember, you still deserve to be happy.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

(((((lookingforward)))))

I've followed your progress on here and have been rooting for you all along. I'm sorry it's come to this. Give it some time to think on it.

I agree, you do deserve to be happy. You don't have to pay for this forever. If he isn't going to work on his issues, you can only decide what it will take to make yourself happy.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34792 | Registered: Sep 2007
rivenheart
Member
Member # 13838
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

BS here. I don't know what to think about the entirety of the situation you're in. The two of you obviously sound like you're hurting. I have only one suggestion to make.

If your BH needs some sort of announcement of your presence so as to avoid being startled, why not install something automatic? That takes the onus off you to remember anything, and it should be a fairly quick and cheap job for an electrician. Wire a sensor on the stairs or wherever, connect it to a chime, or a light, or both, in the room or rooms he's likely to be in.

I don't know if your M is really over at this point or not, but this is something fairly easy for you to do that shows you take his concerns seriously and are willing to be pro-active about them. Just find an electrician and make the call.


rivenheart ~ heartriven
Me: BW, 36 at d-day; WH, 40

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Mar 2007
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Reading this I just wonder where perspective is in the whole situation.

As his partner, you have accepted his boundaries. You say you are okay with them and are confident that he isn't acting in an inappropriate way. Then why the shame and upset over one incident?

If you are committed to the boundaries and have been successful in the past, why such an overwhelmingly over the top response to a sincerely distracted moment?

Yes, it might be a BIG deal to him. But at the end of the day, he can't be so invested in gatekeeping that he ignores reason and empathy. Isn't that what he demands of you every minute of every day... no exceptions?

Disrespect towards him? That is the reason that he is choosing to stay away from a memorial service of a BIL that I will assume he had a relationship with for decades?

That is selfish punishment for an unintended harm. Boundary breach or not, it comes off like a temper tantrum intended to embarrass and make the day MORE difficult. How is that having perspective? Isn't part of his job as your spouse to be understanding in moments of grief? Or does the A wipe out all of his responsibilities and increase yours?



I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3122 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
looking forward
Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Good Morning,
Thank you all for your responses.
So many emotions swirling....

Today is a special day for me. I am posting in Off Topic.

Sincerely,
lf


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2804 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

I have tried so hard to be what he wants.
Maybe he doesn't know what he wants? Where does that put you?

Your sobriety. (Congrats btw) Do you think that the reason behind your sobriety is part of his issue? Couple that with a lifetime of betrayal and that's hard stuff. Doesn't flare-ups happen around dates? Ddays, antiversaries, etc. etc.? Did your upcoming sobriety celebration trigger something inside that set him off? I don't think it's *just* the sneaking up on him. There's something more. Something is missing.

Good luck.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"You can do it!" - R. Schneider


Posts: 5484 | Registered: Nov 2011
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Is it that you are tired of walking on eggshells and you want it to be over? If that is the case, don't put this on the fact that you forgot to do something and he got upset over it.

I think this is more about you and less about him.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3694 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Topic Posts: 21