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User Topic: Still working out whys...
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

I think I'm making a little progress in IC on figuring out my "whys". I would love to get feedback from those of you who have been down this road already.

1) I have a super developed inner critic who tells me I'm "less than" everyone around me. Not as: smart, pretty, stylish, socially smooth, conversationally witty, funny, put together... You get the picture.

2) I am a helper or fixer. I have a driving need to do things for other people. I don't believe this comes from a need for external validation although I seek some of that too. I think it's because inside me I'm not as important as other people. I get a good feeling from helping others even if I'm the only one who knows it. This is a good quality when one doesn't take it too far and do for others to the detriment of self.

As part of fixing my why's I'm working on shrinking my inner critic to a healthier level and teaching myself that I am worthy of my own care, helping and fixing.

This feels like I'm on the right track. I'm still trying to find where I got this message that I am less than others.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1391 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
hardlessons
Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

kbff,

1) for me is/was hard. I think starting point for me to even think I was good enough was when I felt I could make a good choice and felt that my boundaries were strong. For me that was a foundation that I had to have before I could begin to silence my critic.

2) The helper/fixer, could that be how you express love? Acts of service. If so, you will need to recognize that and be choosy as to who will receive that.

Who first told you you were not good enough?

If you need a mantra for your inner self, try this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3H50llsHm3k


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

HL,

I think starting point for me to even think I was good enough was when I felt I could make a good choice and felt that my boundaries were strong.
This makes sense to me and I definitely need work here too. I have a book on boundaries but haven't started it because I am reading several other books right now. I think I need to slow down and focus on one at a time.

The helper/fixer, could that be how you express love?
Yes, I think so but I think it's more than that. I have been known to go way overboard to help a stranger or bare acquaintance who I don't love and who I don't need any validation or love from. I don't really understand myself on this.

you will need to recognize that and be choosy as to who will receive that.
I have started being more cautious here but I don't think I want to completely squash this. Kindness and helping others is a part of me I like.

Who first told you you were not good enough?
I don't know. The furthest back I remember is my first grade teacher who was a nightmare. I suspect it was my mother although I don't believe she was ever intentionally hurtful. She's always been pretty critical. Last week I went to my son's ball game without makeup and my mom said in front of everyone, "what happened to your face, you looked so nice yesterday?" I've always thought this was normal but lately I'm beginning to wonder....

The mantra! I LOVED that scene! It touched me deeply when I saw the movie. That movie reminded me too much of my childhood although we never had any "help".
ETA! I hope saying that can't be construed as racist given the movie. I was raised not to treat anyone differently because of race but I witnessed a lot of that during my childhood.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 5:19 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1391 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

As part of fixing my why's I'm working on shrinking my inner critic to a healthier level and teaching myself that I am worthy of my own care, helping and fixing.

I think that is a great idea. Starting to really believe that you are worthy of self care is a huge step n the right direction. Once you are worthy of self care, you will also start to honor yourself, take care of yourself, and love yourself.

I know how I got to my whys, and I am still figuring more and more out, is asking just what HL asked...when was the first time I felt this way, when else do I act this way, what other times in past past did I do this.

Good luck kbff


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

you will also start to honor yourself
I think this is key. If I honor myself it would be impossible to violate boundaries or make those choices that lead to an A.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1391 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Topic Posts: 5