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Wayward Side
User Topic: year 3?
sicktomy
Member
Member # 36479
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Does anyone know what year 3 is like. Year 1 had a lot of bad and everyone warned that year 2 is just as bad but I didn't really believe it. Recently we been having more issues and now I wonder if it's year 2 rearing it's ugly head.
Now I'm curious how the next year after is.


Me (WH - 37)
Her (BS - 35)zayda1
Married 7 years, together for 9
2 children (5 years & 2 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12

Posts: 60 | Registered: Aug 2012
hardlessons
Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Different for everybody, everybody reacts to stages differently. What are you doing to heal and work your issues?


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
KBeguile
Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

I find myself agreeing with hardlessons. It's not about what "milestone" you're at.

It seems to me like you're looking for some kind of a justification. If you could only see "the light at the end of the tunnel," you would know this is "almost over."

Double for me:

What are you doing to heal and work your issues?


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 754 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
wifeno2
Member
Member # 31529
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

I think it depends on how much good work is being done on both sides to heal. But for me the first year was a lot of raw pain, shock, disbelief and a roller coaster. I cried many times a day and would rage and yell at him about every 3-4 months.

Year 2 was worse for me because the reality set in. My WH did NOT do the things necessary for us to heal our M so year 2 was a hell for me, he probably thought things were better. But in reality I still cried every day, just not in front of him. I was angry all the time. I mean every minute of every day. But he also kept giving me really good reasons to be (breaking NC, lies, poor boundaries). I was more in control of how my emotions were expressed so when I was angry it was calmer but also probably harder on him because I was clear headed enough to make it hard for him to defend himself in his usual ways (blameshifting, gaslighting, trying to change subject)

Year three is much calmer for me. He will still do things that could/should make me very angry. But I can't seem to get more than mildly annoyed. And I don't even try to mention it to him. But this is because I am completely disengaged because the work necessary for R wasn't done. So year three has been about acceptance-which for me means moving slowly and carefully toward D, but for others might be moving more decidedly toward R.

Glad your hear, its always refreshing to see WS wanting to learn and do the hard work.


Me-BW (45)
Him-WS (42)
DS 19 (prior relationship)
DS-8
DDay #1- 10/22/2010 EA/PA with MOW coworker
Dday#2:11/17/2010 beginning secret emails with potential OW#2
DDay #3 11/22/2010 still seeing OW#1
Too many DD's to count: Now up to OW #6.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: the south
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

Mrs LRH said something to me that really gave me a visual as far as her healing works: we can't draw little marks on the wall to document healing like we can with a child's height.

We WS's tend to watch for milestones to gauge where we're at. Its selfish really. We want things to go back to normal. We don't want our BS to be in pain anymore. We especially don't want to live in a state of constant reminder that we caused that pain.

Things will not go back to normal. Normal is different now and will be different again in a year. You DID cause this pain. Since you can't go back in time and undo your A, you may never have a day when you're not reminded that your actions are the reason things are different.

Let go of expectations. Be present now. Don't rush your BS's healing - that feels inauthentic to them. Honor your partners feelings enough to accept their timeline without imposing yours.

Year three might be better, it might be worse. How you're helping your BS heal today might help.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 546 | Registered: Jun 2011
sicktomy
Member
Member # 36479
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

Thanks to all the reponses.
My question should of simply been "everyone says year 2 is really bad, what does everyone say about year 3." Thank you wifeno2 for answering this. That is all I wanted to know out of pure curiousity.
I under stand that every relationship is different and you get what you put into it.


Me (WH - 37)
Her (BS - 35)zayda1
Married 7 years, together for 9
2 children (5 years & 2 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12

Posts: 60 | Registered: Aug 2012
hardlessons
Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

Will try to stay on point next time.

[This message edited by hardlessons at 10:15 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
worstdayever
New Member
Member # 39484
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

I am at yr 3 and unless I get a strong trigger it feels like almost never happend. yr 1 was the worst I had to take antidepressant. Yr2 was having up and down moments.
I am still disappointed but now the trust is back. I have to say he has been good to me in all these years.
About the triggers... A train accident made me realize that he could have been on that train with OW and put in danger his life and effect ours. so I thought about this event for a white but it is very sporadic now.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2013
worstdayever
New Member
Member # 39484
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

I am at yr 3 and unless I get a strong trigger it feels like almost never happend. yr 1 was the worst I had to take antidepressant. Yr2 was having up and down moments.
I am still disappointed but now the trust is back. I have to say he has been good to me in all these years.
About the triggers... A train accident made me realize that he could have been on that train with OW and put in danger his life and effect ours. so I thought about this event for a white but it is very sporadic now.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2013
worstdayever
New Member
Member # 39484
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

I am at yr 3 and unless I get a strong trigger it feels like almost never happend. yr 1 was the worst I had to take antidepressant. Yr2 was having up and down moments.
I am still disappointed but now the trust is back. I have to say he has been good to me in all these years.
About the triggers... A train accident made me realize that he could have been on that train with OW and put in danger his life and effect ours. so I thought about this event for a white but it is very sporadic now.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2013
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, June 10th (Monday)

Much better, my FWS worked hard to understand herself, the whys and origins, and the damage she inflicted.

We actually had a fight three days ago, big argument actually, we've never physically fought. But, in contrast to her stuffing things and being boiling angry inside, it came out, we talked, we resolved the issue, and we understand each other. She took the initiative to do that.

That never happened in years past.

A lot of growth on her part.

She also realizes that her alcoholic father visiting the day before, with alcohol on his breath may have contributed to how she felt, not just that I'm such an amazing clueless asshole.

Although she did call me an asshole and tell me to go fuck myself, and I did respond by saying "I've been doing that for two weeks", we could laugh about it the next day, apologize honestly, and understand each other.

It gets better if both people work on it. I would never, ever, want to go through the hell of the first two years again.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 926 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 11