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Just Found Out
User Topic: Just found out H is cheating for 3 months.
Blackhair
Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Married over 10 yrs., in my 40s, 3 kids, twins are only 8 months old, he had been an awesome H in the past, we both hard working, had a very busy life, recently found out H chatting online with a Philippine girl, he flew there and met her, he is going there again.

He told me he loves her, she is so poor and sick in hospital all the time, H need to comfort her, I asked to go with him, he refused.

I lives in Canada, not sure what to do next, divorce right away? Or Drag as long as I can, as he wants to marry her and brings her here.

What is the right I have, how about asset we have, house, car, biz?
I am lost and sick in stomach, hurt badly.


[This message edited by Blackhair at 11:53 AM, June 13th (Thursday)]


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
MissD
Member
Member # 39377
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Ouch, not where you wanted to be today I'm sure. I have no answers for your questions and bet you will have tons more questions in the days ahead, and SI is a great place to get answers.

Posts: 70 | Registered: May 2013
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Ok. File for Divorce.

He is putting the ass on burning marital assets.

FTG.
If he gets
Remorseful

in that time you'll have time to decide.
but for now?
hammer down.


Posts: 6646 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
traditoperanni
Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

You need a lawyer NOW. I don't know the divorce laws in Canada,
But it sounds like he has abandoned you and left the marital home. Get some legal advice and change the locks on the house, pack up his shit in garbage bag and leave outside front door and tell him any communication will be through your attorney. 180 him immediately.
Do not talk to him until you know your rights.
So sorry you are here. Be strong.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 429 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
housenotahome
Member
Member # 32423
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Welcome BH. Call his bluff and file. At the very least talk to a lawyer and they will let you know everything you need to know. You sound like a hard working independent lady. It sounds like he is going through a Knight in shining armor phase(KISA). He needs to be needed. This is not your fault. He does not love her. He loves being needed. Please read about the 180 in the Healing Library under frequently asked questions for BS.


Me BS
Him WS
Married 10 years together 14
DDay Mar.2011
Mistake-Going through a stop sign because you didn't see it.
Poor choice-You saw the stop sign and went through it anyway.

Posts: 772 | Registered: Jun 2011
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

He has really fallen for the usual scam. She will bleed him dry and have him supporting her family. When he finally wakes up he will regret this horrible mistake. However, you need to move on, perhaps your filing will wake him up, if not you are already on your path to a better future.

He isn't thinking clearly, giving him time will only prolong his cloudy thinking. Do not let him decide your future, he has already made a decision for himself, and he didn't concern himself about you. You can't nice him back. Show him how strong you can be, and that you don't need him. It will shock him.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2986 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
NowWhat106
Member
Member # 35497
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

I'm so sorry he's being such an idiot. You have to protect yourself and your kids financially. This is a complete scam that he's falling for, and you have to be careful or he may lose a lot of your money in this.

Consult a lawyer ASAP and find out how much of the joint assets you can move to a separate account in your name or freeze.

Where is his compassion and care for his own young children and their well-being? Asshat! So worried about someone that he doesn't know at all, while he's using his family's resources to make an idiot of himself and robbing his children of a father and a two-parent family.

While he is in this state, you have to protect yourself and your children from him. It's hard to think of your H as your enemy suddenly, but that's what he is right now, an enemy capable of doing great harm to you, your children, your family.

Cut him off, especially financially. See how much in luvvvvv she is when he can't spend any money.

Not to alarm you, but I know a woman personally whose father moved to the Phillipines and married his OW only to be murdered by her and her adult son within a year for his money. My friend was in and out of the Phillipines for two years going to court to get them locked up and protect her dad's estate.

Please see an attorney and start protecting your assets for your children's sake and for your own.


Me BS
Him WS
LTEA with old HS GF from 25+ years ago
DD #1: 10/6/2011
DD #2: 10/21/2011
2DS under18
Status: We'll see.

Posts: 296 | Registered: May 2012
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

Blackhair,

Contact an attorney immediately: You must protect your marriage assets, home and money for your benefit and the benefit of your children.
Your husband is in "the affair fantasy" and is not thinking straight.
He's probably being conned by this OW - and there's no way this is "love."
LOVE is not based on internet chat...lies...deceit..and a one-time-meeting for adulterous sex.

You can decide on divorce later; but you need legal help now; and protection of all your legal, marriage assets: Perhaps an attorney can freeze bank and credit card assets.

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6133 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Blackhair
Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

Thanks for all your replies. It is very tough with three kids at this young, I am not working since I had the babies. Always think I should try to be nice and win him back as I don't want my kids grow up without dad.
But he is getting worse and worse, even told me he loves her, as she is so simply and never complain.
He wants to help her to come to Canada and find a job. One more question, should I take out all the money in our shared accounts? As I need it for next little while, like lawyer, living expenses for kids, baby sitters, etc. Very tough, never prepared for this, it comes so quickly. Cried a lot. Need to read the 180.


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

(((Blackhair))))

Your H has abandonded you, and is trying to have the best of both worlds, making you the caregiver for your kids, and his maid and cook for home. This is not OK. You can NEVER love or nice someone back. He needs to be knocked out of his affair fog immediately.

See a lawyer as soon as possible. I don't know what is legal, and not legal in Canada, maybe you can google it, but in the US as a married couple your have right to 50% of money and assests in most situations. So I would say take at least 25% of the money to do the things you need to to get good answers.
I would tell him too that if he chooses to go to her again, do not plan on coming back to your home. He is no longer welcome there while he treats you like a doormat, and "loves" another woman.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8714 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Blackhair
Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Need help or advice ASAP.
H went to Philipine again for the second time, he was so messed u p now, he will get up at mid night texting her, he has his own Skype a/c, I am very sad and desperate but a lot calm now, i think more straight now, wonder if possible to get some counseling for him would help, his parent and brother are all mad at him, but he just won't see it, I want to try to help whatever way I can for our twin boys, they are only 8 months old, any way can help him to get out of the fantasy world he is in I will do it! Just because we spent 10 years together, he has been an awesome H. D is my last option, am I being to naive?


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Reality
Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Counseling won't help while he's this deep in the fog. Talking won't mean anything. The only chance you have to get through to him is to do something completely shocking to him. That means do all the things the above posters suggested.

This doesn't mean you're giving up on hopes that he'll emerge on the other side of this serious fantasy insanity. It means that you are showing him he isn't the man you married or is the father to your children. You need to protect your children WAY more than be nice to a man who is blatantly choosing something/one other than you guys.

Kick him out. Don't let him back in the house after this trip. Secure the finances. Make him have to face the reality of what he's choosing.

I'm so sorry, Blackhair. We all know how painful this is. Everyone WANTS marriages to be saved here, if at all possible. But you won't help him by facilitating what he's doing by being nice.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
whensitover
Member
Member # 31207
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

You need to look after YOU now, and YOUR children!! Take as much out as possible, because there is a good possibility he will take it and use it on her (travel expenses, etc) If he has no money then he can't go see her. I would do whatever it took, turn off his cell phone, skype acct, everything that would allow him access to her, I would shut it down. ((blackhair))

Posts: 452 | Registered: Feb 2011
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 4:17 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

You are not being naïve you are hurt and scared. All perfectly understandable.

I would say move money if you can. He is spending your money to fly to the Philippines! This can't be cheap!

Does this Philippine girl know he is married with kids? Can you get into his Skype account and contact her?

This sounds like a crazy scam. She wants to get to Canada and is using your husband as a sugar daddy. Is he not concerned about the children at all?

180 his ass now. I know it is hard but you can't fix him. You can't make this okay. He has to wake up and get some help.

Protect you and your family. Look out for you because he certainly isn't.

I am so sorry. Hug your babies and move forward.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:18 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1201 | Registered: Apr 2013
Blackhair
Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Thanks again for all your advice, the Philipine girl knows he is married, she is married too and have a 8 yrs old son. But she told Him her H abused her, she was raped, sick in hospital all the time,etc.

It is just not easy to take the step. As it means my kids won't have a "daddy". I guess they already lost their daddy now.


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Blackhair
Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Thanks again for all your advice, the Philipine girl knows he is married, she is married too and have a 8 yrs old son. But she told Him her H abused her, she was raped, sick in hospital all the time,etc.
I used to be able to trace all the contact between them, but not as much as he got his yahoo messenger on his laptop and new Skype account I do not have access, I cost couple of hundreds on the bills for skype and phone bill for last couple of weeks,, but I do have control of all our finances, thanks god!
BTW did all 180, great support here, now i am very calm now. Scared Yes!
It is just not easy to take the big step. As it means my kids won't have a "daddy". I guess they already "lost " their daddy now.

[This message edited by Blackhair at 7:59 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

Trying to not rock the boat won't get your children their Daddy back. He is gone in his mind, he is fixated on this girl. Start the paperwork on a divorce. You don't have to follow through if he pulls his head out of his arse, however, perhaps he will finally wake up to what he is sacrificing so he can be a (KISA) knight in shining armor for this woman.

You can't nice him back, it will only drive him further away because the guilt forces him to be stone cold to you so he can continue to do what he is doing.

You need to 180 him, don't do his laundry, make his meals, pick up after him or cater to his wants and needs. Ignore him, don't initiate conversation, answer any question from him. Don't engage. He is firing you from that job, show him what that feels like.

Until HE begs you to let him come home, shut him out. If he changes his mind about her, he is the one who needs to do the work to repair your M. Don't make it a soft landing for him, don't let him rug-sweep this mess away. If you do you will suffer the rest of your life, while he merrily goes on his way happy as a lark.

Be strong. Offer to pack his bags for him, while asking where he will be staying. Also you will be finding out how much CS and possible alimony he will be paying you. (He needs to realize all his income isn't going to be available to provide for his new sweetie and her family), he has responsibilities that come first, namely you and your children.

[This message edited by momentintime at 2:07 AM, June 21st (Friday)]


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2986 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Blackhair
Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, June 21st (Friday)

Tonight H talked to me that he loves that girl and want to marry her and bring her to Canada, he wants to settle with me without using a lawyer fighting crazy.

He wants to give me a bit more assets and share custody no CS to pay, he even suggested we call still live on the upper level while he and that girl lives in lower level, I said no way.

We have more properties, biz, 3 kids, what is the best for me and kids, I do not ever want to see H, but it is not fair for the kids, going to meet D lawyer tomorrow!

Gosh! Very scared, never strong enough for this, please help!


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
ninebark
Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, June 21st (Friday)

he wants to settle with me without using a lawyer fighting crazy.
He wants to give me a bit more assets and share custody no CS to pay, he even suggested we call still live on the upper level while he and that girl lives in lower level, I said no way. ]

Wow, just plain wow. Well I am Canadian and I can tell you, you are entitled to half of everything, including child support and as a stay at home mom, spousal support. Get to a lawyer ASAP.

He is trying to con you into doing what he wants, of course he doesn't want laywers or to pay child support. He wants to live in his fantasy world with his old family upstairs and his new family down.

Time to get mad, time to march over to the lawyers and put an end to the fantasy world. Do not let him bully you into anything less than what you deserve. I get angry just reading your story. You can't nice him back, he isn't going to change his mind, your children do deserve a father, but they don't deserve the crap he is trying to hand them.

Let us know how the lawyer visit goes, and don't wait a minute longer.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
ConfusedAbudhabi
New Member
Member # 29763
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, June 21st (Friday)

((Blackhair..))
I have not posted in a while, but always lurking.. There are a lot of good people here who can give you good advice..

Sent you a PM..


Posts: 44 | Registered: Oct 2010
ConfusedAbudhabi
New Member
Member # 29763
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, June 21st (Friday)

PS. There is NO DIVORCE in the PHILIPPINES.. If she is married, no way your husband can marry her and bring her to CANADA.

Posts: 44 | Registered: Oct 2010
2yrs+recovering
Member
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, June 21st (Friday)

One more question, should I take out all the money in our shared accounts?

YES!!!!!

and have you seen a lawyer yet?????

No time to mess around here and get to the Dr. check for stds....

There is no reason to wait for him to give you permission.

He is an idiot!

[This message edited by 2yrs+recovering at 10:40 AM, June 21st (Friday)]


BS (me)59 FWH 71
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 560 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, June 21st (Friday)

WOW. Empty your bank account NOW. File for divorce and put his stuff in hefty bags on the curb!

You can do this!


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
Blackhair
Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)

Did talked to the lawyer, knowing what I should do next. An awesome lawyer worked for 40 years he stronly suggested us to settle in civil instead of paying $$$$.

I am really not the type of person to fight nasty in the court, anyways I had a good talk with H, he is determined to marry that Philipine girl, so we are ready to settle everything, H agreed and shows some care at this point, D is our decision unfortunately. I will keep u all posted. Thanks for reading.

[This message edited by Blackhair at 1:21 AM, June 24th (Monday)]


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)

Good riddance Blackhair. I'm so sorry for your pain but, anyone who is so selfish as to put their own stupid desires above that of the precious , innocent family they created doesn't deserve to be treated as anything but the huge, steamy, rotten pile of shit that they are! What is there about this man that you can love?

I hate it mostly for your kids because you can move on & hopefully find a man who will appreciate what you have to offer in a genuine relationship. I truly believe that what goes around comes around. He will wake up one day all alone & financially ruined & maybe then will realize how incredibly stupid he was.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)

Whatever you settle on... YOU MAKE SURE an atty looks it over before you sign or submit it to the courts.

Lots of stuff can slip by: Health insurance for you and the kids? A portion of his retirement for the length of the M, CS, college in the future? Visitation issues, custody? What happens if one of you dies? And with properties - loads of complications as your names are co-mingled and so is your credit! If he is in a rush - take advantage of that!! Get yourself untangled from him financially! But make sure to cross those T's and dot your I's.

Most atty's say you can take 1/2 of what is in the bank. And that is typcial. I was a SAHM, I took it all. When he left he took over a month worth of paychecks with him... and there wasn't going to anywhere enough income to pay our mutual bills for a while if I didn't.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4133 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Blackhair
Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, June 24th (Monday)

Started D procedure today, felt sad but relived as no chance for us to R or dragging. Amazed to realize how strong I can be, or when you realize he is an AxxHxx, it is a lot easier to move on, as i deserve way better, thanks again for everyone's support.


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, June 24th (Monday)

Amazed to realize how strong I can be, or when you realize he is an AxxHxx,

You are such a nice person you didn't even write out that he was an asshole. So I will say it for you.

He is an asshole. Even bolded it for you

Hugs to you and your babies. Take care of yourself. You have been given some solid advice.

PS: Your H would need to win YOU back. Not the other way around.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2457 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
ConfusedAbudhabi
New Member
Member # 29763
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, June 24th (Monday)

((BH))
So sorry that your marriage has to end this way..
Like Take2 said, take care of your finances and make sure your kids future is well taken cared off during the settlement proceedings..

Your husband doesn't know what he is getting himself into. He'll end up poor, or worse jailed, if the husband of his paramour is still alive. If he pursue marrying her, he is a partner to a bigamous marriage, punishable by law; if he will live with her, it's going to be an adulterous relationship, also punishable under Philippine law..

So... Any Avenue he pursue is going to be very very expensive for him... So... Protect what is due you and your children..

God bless you, Blackhair

[This message edited by ConfusedAbudhabi at 1:02 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 44 | Registered: Oct 2010
ConfusedAbudhabi
New Member
Member # 29763
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, June 24th (Monday)

sorry double post..

[This message edited by ConfusedAbudhabi at 1:03 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 44 | Registered: Oct 2010
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

He wants to give me a bit more assets and share custody no CS to pay, he even suggested we call still live on the upper level while he and that girl lives in lower level, I said no way.

How totally delusional, FTG, go after everything you can get. You can be sure Ms. Phillipine will for her and her son.


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h

Posts: 615 | Registered: Mar 2003
Blackhair
Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, June 28th (Friday)

It is never easy to live under the same roof while D, seeing H texting her constantly. H was texting using his lo top in bed while putting my daughter to sleep. I told him to get himself an apartment or I will call the cop if he continuing dong this, as it is mental abuse.

I can not wait to get over with it, but it takes time to get our finance number calculated out, custody, etc.

He is so dump not realizing what a mess he is going getting himself into. So he is super nice lately, but who cares, D is my decision regardless.


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, June 28th (Friday)

Why isn't he moving out? Why should you have to see him communicating with OW in your own home? He really is very callous. He wants out, let him GET OUT.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2986 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Blackhair
Member
Member # 39451
Sad  Posted: 6:59 AM, October 18th (Friday)

Some updates!

After few months in hell, even a false R, I did tried so hard to give WS a chance to R, but WS never truly be remorseful, finally I had enough. So I filed. He was so scared and did I not fight back. Today we finally signed the separation agreement. Overall it is still kind of " civil"! I am proud of myself, kept my dignity.

I was so relieved but Extremely SAD, the 10 years marriage is officially over that quick!

Also my twin boys, the older one started to walk the first time today, it is saddest thing to think their life is going to change a bit time because of this.

I felt SAD, will never understand why someone can be capable hurt another person he has loved! I do not know how I am going to trust anyone again.

I know it will get better, but right now I am at the rock bottom, it is HARD/SAD!


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
TrulySad
Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, October 18th (Friday)

Oh Blackhair, you are so strong!!! What an amazing woman you are, and your children are so fortunate to have you as their mom. I know this is beyond painful, but things will get better.

I read your story months ago, and am so glad you gave us an update. Have you been doing the 180? I think some people believe it's done to scare the WH into seeing what they are losing. The reality is it's for the BS. You start to see what an incredible woman you really are, and begin to understand how you deserve to be happy... alone, or with a man worthy of your attention and love.

Please continue to let us know how you are doing. Stay strong, and know you aren't alone in all of this.


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 456 | Registered: Jun 2013
Girlietoo
Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, October 18th (Friday)

I just read your story now and I am so, so sorry. You have been so strong and I'm sorry your husband has been taken by this woman. He is/was incredibly cruel to conduct his affair so openly while you were going through this process.

Please accept the biggest cyber ((hugs)) I can offer


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 247 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Losttransport
Member
Member # 39409
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, October 18th (Friday)

Good luck to you and your children. While I know you said your sad their lives are changing, the one thing that will remain constant is their mom!


Me: BS-42
Hubby: FWS-42
OW: former friend of mine
EA from ? to 3-15-12
3 DD, 1 DS
Time heals all wounds-I do not agree.

Posts: 95 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Texas
Blackhair
Member
Member # 39451
Sad  Posted: 8:32 PM, October 18th (Friday)

We just signed SA yesterday, today he told me he is going to Philippine to see OW again for Christmas, he asked me if he can bring our daughter with her.

My day was ok this morning till I heard this I felt apart again, the shit is hard, when I am going to be strong enough not let him "torture" me any more.

I don''t know how I am going to have my first Christmas by myself with the kids.....

Oh Gosh.... The pain never ends.....


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, October 18th (Friday)

In your shoes, I would NEVER let him leave the country with my children. It's incredibly risky.

If your daughter has a passport, I would get a safe deposit box and lock it away from him. If she does NOT have a passport, I would get one--then lock it up.

It may seem counter-intuitive to get a passport if you don't condone the travel. But if YOU get the passport, then HE won't be able to get one and take her out of the country against your wishes.

Either way, the passport needs to be locked up somewhere he cannot access it.

The man has lost his mind. He's fallen for a scam---I mean, this one is as obvious as the emails from Nigerian princes (and as dangerous; men have gone to the Philippines for "true love," only to be murdered)---and really, if he now spends Christmas without his children, then that's what we call natural consequences.

If he wants to be an idiot, fine. Don't let him involve your children in any way.

You might never see them again.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8845 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, October 18th (Friday)

Ditto solus - he is enmeshed in a scam. As soon as this woman has any financial control over his bank accounts he is likely to get robbed, assaulted, or murdered. DO NOT let your children be involved.
DO NOT let him take them to any foreign country.
Any chance you can get full custody based on this biazarre relationship?

[This message edited by PhoenixRisen at 9:22 PM, October 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 500 | Registered: Jun 2012
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, October 19th (Saturday)

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.

Does your WS realize that this OW very likely has a string of OM, also sending her money, buying her gifts and going to visit her.

If he thinks she's waiting just for him, he's crazy.

All carefully managed so that none overlap.

Blackhair, do everything you can to protect yourself, hugs, lots of hugs.



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1241 | Registered: Apr 2009
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, October 19th (Saturday)

Did the separation agreement outline custody and visitation? Did it deal with holidays?
I might be totally off-base here but way too often separation/divorce is dealt with as an alternative lifestyle to marriage. It’s like an agreement to partially remove each other from your lives – but only as little as possible. Divorce should be the exact opposite – it’s removing each other from your lives AS MUCH as possible. If you have kids you need to be amicable co-parents but that’s it.

So I wonder how you interact now. Do you still live together? Does he drop in unannounced to visit? Do you have to discuss who’s taking the kids to park next Saturday or is it clear?

IMHO you would do well to remove him as much as you can from your daily routine. I know it’s hard but right now he’s getting the best of two worlds. Make his fantasy reality and it’s the best way to get the scam over with as little damage to you and your kids. If he is paying half his assets, CS and Spousal Support. [Canada has a rather predetermined calculation for CS. Based on the median wages for 2011 (CAD 78000) and 3 kids you should be getting around CAD 1500 per month).

About the going to Philippines… NO WAY. Be VERY CLEAR on this and have your attorney send him a formal letter warning him that you do not agree on her travelling out of the country. Ask the attorney if you should notify the authorities or what action you should take.

I really hate drama and I tend to be a no-nonsense sort of guy. I would guess that even if your DD went the chances are extremely high she and XH would come home safe and sound. But you never gamble with your kids…


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
Blackhair
Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

Thank you all for the wonderful support!
In SA we have the date/ time where the kids should be picked up/ dropped off every other weekends. But right now twin boys are too young to leave me at nights.

We are still living in the same house as it is a big house with a separate suite on each level, I am moving out here on Tuesday as the house we been renting before will become vacant.

I also will talk to our lawyer to see if it is okay to move before I get the money, as WS need to refinance the house and pay me.

CS and babysitter salary was all stated in our separation agreement. Another worry is my family are all over seas so I try to be amicable as possible, so when I need to visit my family he won''t make it difficult either.

This is so HARD and painful, I need time to grief and he already planned his Christmas with OW before he even met his lawyer. If I told him not to take our daughter my first Christmas will be extremely difficult with three children, I have no family here at All.

I am strong and independent person but right now it is extremely hard, i am scared of thinking about next holidays. I have been reading a lot.
I know it will getting worse when I first moved out, but it will getting better in the end!


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, October 20th (Sunday)

Gently as I can because I tend to come across as gently as a sledge-hammer in a crystal shop…

When and if your then ex-husband and his new Pilipino bride set up home in Canada and start a new happy family then I would strongly encourage you to let your kids interact with them freely. As hard as it may sound then AFTER divorce it’s better that your children have a good relationship with both parents “new” families.

But right now… I smell a scam. I smell an angler that has sunk her hook into the jaws of a big fish and is now reeling him in. When and how she intends to land your husband is still way open. Does she intend to scam him off all his money right now, does she see him as her ticket to a visa in Canada, does she truly love him and this will be a modern-day Cinderella story and they be happy ever after? This woman might be the kindest, best woman in the world. But she could also be focusing on remembering all of her 15 “future husbands” and seeing whom she can reel in first. I simply wouldn’t risk sending my child overseas while the picture is still so unclear. I wouldn’t want to enable her to hold your DD hostage for the rest of WH funds…

And frankly… (this is me being gentle…) I don’t give a damn how hard the holidays will be for you if you need to be with all the kids. I have a feeling your in-laws will help you. I have a feeling you will get support. Have a feeling your mom would fly over. I also have a feeling that although physically this might be hard then mentally having your DD abroad will cause you even more hardship. (This is me being nice…).

You WILL manage. Why? Well… because you really don’t have another real option.

And about WH withholding your kids if you want to go back to family to visit… Don’t worry. Things WILL calm down and he will have to show realistic reason for his refusal. Revenge isn’t accepted as “reasonable”.

WS need to refinance is immaterial.
Once you separate his finances are not your issue. He will have commitments defined by the agreement and he needs to meet them. If he doesn’t then you need to have your attorney handle collecting the debt. If he’s broke he can take a freighter to the Philippines…
The “plus” for Canada is that there are Federal agencies that enforce CS payments. So if your WH doesn’t pay then there is a Federal hammer banging away at him and he can face actions such as wage garnishment, passport being withheld and so on. Once separated his ability to keep the house, his ability to meet payments… not your issue.
Blackhair – You are a lot stronger than you think. I KNOW you will make it fine out of this crappy situation.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

Agree with posters....do not send her over there. If it is a scam...could you live with yourself if your daughter was killed, just because the holidays are going to be hard.

Reality will set in when this women comes to Canada and he expects her to be a wife if she isn't a con-artist. He will eventually hate the role of husband again. The novelty will wear off.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Blackhair
Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, October 21st (Monday)

Wow, that posting is powerful, It does give me a lot courage, not acting as an victim all the time.
I did talked to X, told him about my concerns, he finally agreed not to take my daughter to Phlipines.

As a matter of fact, he probably prefer not to bring her so he can have more intimate time with OW.

If you ever watched the movie called " My Tai Bridge", that is what is going to happen to X soon.
It will be another interesting show.... Just wait to see.....


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 46