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karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

So they start off letting me know how unacceptable it is to "let my son" fall on his face...

We removed him from our home in February, he had used his last chance. Doesn't pay his bills, can't keep a job, still using and won't follow our simple house rules....so he had to move out and do things his way in his own home.

Now that girlfriend is pregnant my inlaws have been contacting me to let me know what I need to do to fix him.I have not followed their advice so they decided to take matters into their own hands, god help us.

He is a month away from jail time because he never paid fines from a pot-related charge.

Now my inlaws have decided they will save him. They have invited him to move in, getting him a new cell phone (his got shut off). They are taking out a loan to pay his court costs and the fucking last straw....they are helping him sign up for school and getting loans for that too....(he bailed on the student loans we co-signed when he first started school at 18)

I can't even say how fucking pissed off we are. Everything we have done, every god damned hard decision we have had to make hoping he will find his way is now out the window.

He will never learn this way...and all they care about is how they feel.

Why can't people mind their own god damn business.

I just need to vent, I have not spoken to them and refuse to engage in their craziness...but it is so hard.

You wonder how we all get so screwed up...our parents are a bunch of train wrecks...

Sigh, I feel better, Thanks


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3216 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
jrc1963
Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

OMG!! (((Karma)))

I'm so sorry...


Me: BSO - 45
Him: FWSO - 68
DS - 12
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 23970 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
metamorphisis
Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

That has to be so frustrating, especially when they knew what you were trying to do. One of two things will happen here. He'll be grateful for the second chance and grow the hell up and not squander it. Or he will squander it and they will have to learn the hard way that you were doing the right thing.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 42771 | Registered: Sep 2006
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Thanks ...I had posted a few days ago because they initially wanted us to do all of the above because the baby is coming. We disagree and think he needs to take care of himself and the baby. So I havent talked to them since then...my daughter filled me in on their plan so I wouldn't be smacked in the face when I find out what they are doing...

If you have to do it behind our backs don't ya know it just isn't right...ugh

ETA: Cross psoted with you Meta..I agree and hope he does whats right, but I am worried about him. He needs to have some consequences and all they have done is reinforced that we are assholes and he is right....ugh

[This message edited by karmahappens at 7:52 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3216 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

((((karma))))


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22588 | Registered: Aug 2011
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

(((karma)))




Posts: 30622 | Registered: Mar 2011
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

((karma)) What a damn shame!

Well. As Meta said, hopefully he does not squander this chance. If he does, your in-laws will be showing up on your call display. Let it ring.

I truly hope your son "gets it" tho.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 1791 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

(((Karma)))

Enablers don't get it.

We are currently reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Her other book is Toxic Inlaws. So the title of your post caught my eye. If you gotta read the book, you know you have them in your life.

Good luck with everything.


Growing forward

Posts: 1446 | Registered: Sep 2011
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

If you gotta read the book, you know you have them in your life.

Nah, I don't need to read it lol...I know who they are!

We are going NC...with the in-laws

I just have to pray he finds his way, my FIL is not a loving man and cannot handle conflict without being abusive. It may be "saving my son" from jail, but it is inviting a whole new set of issues for him (son) that he isn't ready for.

I give him 2 weeks of living with the in-laws before he thinks my husband and I are saints.

Bat-shit-crazy


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3216 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

I have learned that you have to let the savers/enablers do their thing, and let them learn on their own. It looks easy for everybody else, right? If we help him, he'll change, why wouldn't he? We can save this kid even if his parents couldn't!

They'll eventually get tired of giving, giving, giving, and your son continuing to do what he does. Their enabling him won't fix him and then they'll realize---hmmmm....maybe karma and H knew what they were talking about.

My SIL let DS live there for awhile. That got old real quick for her. And that was after years of her telling me how to 'fix' him, what I should be doing, etc.

I'm glad you are making the choice to jump off the crazy train. God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, and all that jazz .

Sending lots of support, as always.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34684 | Registered: Sep 2007
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:26 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

I give him 2 weeks of living with the in-laws before he thinks my husband and I are saints.

Oh look, another consequence

I know that they're all making you out to be the bad guy and that feels uncomfortable right now, but realistically, they're all going to see that you were right in the end - even if they never admit it. Stay on your high road, 180 if you need to.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13190 | Registered: Jul 2011
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

Another perfect case of "you can't control other people's actions"....

Your In-laws - as naive as they are, dont understand what they are really doing and how their 'help' is really a hinderance.

I know that they are thinking of the baby here. Your son needs to have some footing to support another life on this earth, the issue is that this is all being given to him, not earned.

its sad, but you cant do anything about what they choose to do with their own space and money...

((Karma))


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
~Some days are better then others~

Posts: 1609 | Registered: Sep 2012
hurtbs
Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

Big hugs

(((Karma)))

YOu know how this will turn out... Hang in there.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

How infuriating, Karma!

My in-laws are like this, too. They allowed my bil to ruin his life. They never let him hit rock bottom so he never has to admit he has a problem (alcohol, drugs, bipolar). Unfortunately, they are very wealthy so it's easy for them to just give him money, pay his rent, etc. WH has tried everything to get them to come out of their denial and stop enabling, but nothing works. Such a helpless feeling.

Your post reminded me how worried I am that they will do this to our kids . . . I am so sorry this is happening in your family


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

He will never learn this way

No, he probably won't. But maybe your in-laws will learn to mind their own business when he defaults on loans, runs up a high cell phone bill, eats all their groceries, and sticks his kid with them all the time so he can go "party". The fun will be when they start complaining and looking to you to bail them out of this mess they created.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
3 kids

DD#1: 3/18/2003
DD#2: 9/28/2010 with a follow up on 1/28/2011 where he decided to come clean about the EA actually being a PA.

The OW could have been anybody and both turned out to be nobody special.


Posts: 3774 | Registered: Sep 2005
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Thanks everyone.

I do hope he gets it. It would be great if he could right his ship.

TOL...this

The fun will be when they start complaining and looking to you to bail them out of this mess they created.

Is not happening. My husband already told my father-in law that if they decide to do this then they are on their own. We do not want to hear anything about our son's bad choices or how he is screwing them over....BTDT

We cannot control what they do or their relationship with our son, but I will not be available to them if shit hits the fan. We have done a great job doing what we think is right (even though internally it is still hard and sad )I will not let them make me feel bad....Putting on my fake it til you make it mask.

Grrrr assholes.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3216 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

We can save this kid even if his parents couldn't!

What's funny AN is my father in law had been all over me when my son originally screwed up. He used to call me daily and tell me how I should handle things and I better listen to him because he raised 3 kids. I finally had to tell him to knock it off. It was shortly after dday and our lives were a mess, and all at once things kept piling higher and higher...

For some reason my father in law thinks he is god's gift to parenting. Why can't he just see we ALL do the best we can...and to be rotten and judgemental just isn't helpful.

Plus he really sucked as a parent. He was mean and abusive...still treats his wife like crap.

Detach...detach...detach. I need to stop trying to justify myself. I am coming from a place of love for my son and I have to just hope in their twisted way they are too...but they are still assholes


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3216 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, June 7th (Friday)

He is going to do the same thing to them that he did with/to you. Default on the student loan, get into trouble with the law again, etc.

They will then have learned a hard lesson and will likely do the same thing you are doing now, kick him out.

((hugs))


Posts: 5464 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, June 7th (Friday)

I better listen to him because he raised 3 kids.

Oh yes, my in-laws tried this line, too. That we had to come to them will all our questions because they raised three kids. I said to my husband "if that's the logic then I should go to DS9's godparents because they raised 4 kids, so they must know more."

I'm sorry you're going through all this. It sucks all the way around.

Sending you (((HUGS))) and strength.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day's, listed in profile)


Posts: 5360 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, June 7th (Friday)

My son kills me. He just stopped by, was obvious he waas crying and he wanted to know why the only people that care about him are Nana and Papa.

Broke my heart. He said they are the only ones willing to help him because nobody else cares...

I wanted to spout off the millions ways we have tried to help him and the billion ways he has screwed us over, but I didn't I just said I am sorry he feels that way and that we love him.

I dont know what I am, hurt angry, sad.

I just want to pack my bags and go to some beach and plop my ass in the sand....I will come home after everyone gets some fucking IC.

Thanks for the hugs...I know you have your own brand of crazy goin on SD...


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3216 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, June 7th (Friday)

(((karma))) I'm sorry. Being a parent has its sucky moments.


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5520 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, June 7th (Friday)

You're welcome Karma.

Maybe we can get my sister and your in-laws together. They can get together and talk about how wonderful they are and how they know everything and they'll leave us alone! Just a thought


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day's, listed in profile)


Posts: 5360 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, June 7th (Friday)

no, you know what sd...my in laws can buy your mom an SUV...they are suddenly loaded and have nothing to do with their money!!!!


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3216 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, June 7th (Friday)


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day's, listed in profile)


Posts: 5360 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
DeadMumWalking
Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, June 7th (Friday)

((((karma))))

You are doing the right thing, but you know that already. Now you've got me in the mood to go kick some effing inlaw ass!!!

((((karma))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2503 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
metamorphisis
Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, June 7th (Friday)

I just want to pack my bags and go to some beach and plop my ass in the sand....I will come home after everyone gets some fucking IC.

That sounds like a delightful plan. Start looking at travel websites. Seriously.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 42771 | Registered: Sep 2006
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

This is my favorite Meta

“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

I have been looking at vacations online all day....

And Deadmum, you better take me along with you. We can pick up SD, I think she is only a few hours from me. She might wanna kick some ass too...

And Thank you MissesJai, it is extra tough sometimes huh? ugh!


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3216 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

Yes, please pick me up I'm not that far away


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day's, listed in profile)


Posts: 5360 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
DeadMumWalking
Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, June 8th (Saturday)


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2503 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

What?! I have an awesome reverse crescent kick. Just sayin'


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day's, listed in profile)


Posts: 5360 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

((((karma))))

Now my inlaws have decided they will save him
My parents, particularly my NPD father, did this with my oldest nephew.

If your parents would like to hear the outcome, I would be glad to share.

Suffice it to say, it did my nephew no favors.

It's been a tremendous wedge in our family---really, it caused the ENTIRE extended family to implode.

The implications can be extremely far-reaching.


BS-me, 52
WH(Mr. Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS17
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 7967 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

Christ, Solus ...I get it, I do.

My sister died in a drunk driving accident at 17 ...my family was/is well known in the town and she was brought home drunk on numerous occasions by the police prior to her accident, as a favor to my parents/family. I would never say this to my parents, because I am sure they know....but if she had NOT been granted those "favors" and had my parents taken her car away for her previous screw ups...she would be alive today. It's the truth, my parents and the police did nothing to help her by avoiding the "trouble" she would have been in for her actions, instead she is dead.

I don't blame my parents, it was a different time...but I see the writing on the wall, I am screaming and nobody wants to hear me.

...I know the ending, I just do not want to relive it


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3216 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

(((HUGS)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day's, listed in profile)


Posts: 5360 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Topic Posts: 33