SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Closure
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

My husband and I are taking it day by day right now since all the truths of his A finally came out Sunday (I had been rug-sweeping for some time)...IC started a couple days ago, MC starts Tuesday. My husband has agreed to a NC contract, but has brought up the possible need for closure with the OW. It hurts me because I know he has feelings for her and cares about her, and I just want her to vanish. I know he is very possibly missing her (even though he doesn't admit that). I told him he doesn't need closure, but understand deep inside he might. I told him that if she seeks him out for closure, he needs to let me know so we can decide how to proceed. I was hoping for thoughts from everyone. It's hard for me to believe that he truly loves me if he cares this much about another woman.

[This message edited by jojo42 at 9:51 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

Jojo- how long was this A? Tell him he had that long for closure. Then tell him if he contacts her again you'll assume he wants to be with her and not you. Put on your butch boots and don't allow this. Closure is simply "I want to see my AP again" no effing way.


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4924 | Registered: Dec 2010
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

The A has gone on for 9 months, with a few months in the middle where it stopped when I found out the first time...thanks for the advice.


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

He is married to you. There never should have been anyone else in your marriage. You don't need closure for something that should never have been. If necessary, closure could be a NC letter to her stating how he wants NC from her, how he will never be contacting her again, and how the A should never have started in the first place as he loves his wife.
Why should you have to endure the thought of another meeting between them?


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

Closure is something someone feels they need when a relationship ends.

This was not a relationship.

It was an affair.

His first,and only "need" right now should be to do whatever you need to feel safe.

The fact that he wants to talk to the OW for closure..is so selfish. It's all about him..and OW. Not you,not the marriage.

OH! This OW is the one who came to your house the other day and put her hand through a window...then proceeded to text you and tell you your WH was with her..when he was sitting with you..and she was texting you cruel,horrible things.

WHY would he want to ever see her again,after the way she has been so cruel to you?? She has vandalized your home...and you are pregnant.

I know you don't want to,but you cant't be passive. Put your bitch boots on and tell him it's either you and your unborn child..or her.

I know you decided not to press charges or get a RO. Did he influence that decision? If so..he cares more about protecting OW than he does his wife and child.

He also exposed you to STD's...which can cause great harm to an unborn child..please tell your doctor what your WH has done,so they can make sure you and baby are safe.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:18 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7419 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

He did not influence my decision about that- he said he understood I would do what I needed to.

Thank you for all the great advice- you're right, I do need to put my foot down on this one- I think this might be something to hash out with the MC, too, so he can see how serious I am.


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

What confused said. 100% and if there was a clapping smiley i would put that in there.

Needing closure makes the affair have a point - to know that it somehow had a reason.

Dropping her like a bad habit IS his closure.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Sep 2012
Wonderingwhy11
Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

I agree with the other comments about WS not contacting AP. Continued contact only extends trying to end the A and work on R. My WH continued texting and e-mailing OW for at least 4 months after DDay. He told me every time I asked if he was in contact with OW he wasn't in contact with her since a few days after DDay. Months later I found an email WH hid and forgot to delete that confirmed my suspicions. WH told me contact finally stopped and it was about the time I asked him to leave because I felt he was lying and his behavior was like during the A. Today I still don't know exactly when the contact ended. Finding the email was another DDay and started all the hurt and anger all over again- this time worse because he knew how I felt on the first DDay.

In our case I believe it took WH a few months of NC for the fog to lift even though he told me right after DDay the A was fantasyland and knew it wasn't real. Unfortunately that didn't stop him from contacting OW and keeping up the sexting.

Be firm and tell him NC means NC. If he needs closure then he can get it right out the door and don't let it hit on his ass. I don't like sounding so harsh but in these cases you have to be. Otherwise WS will continue doing what they are doing because they are getting away
with it.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Thank you all for your helpful replies...I think I'm too nice and try too hard to be understanding when I really don't need to be...If I had listened to ya'll's advice the first time, we wouldn't still be dealing with this, too! I plan to discuss this with him tonight, and I'll update you and let you know how it goes.


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

An update on the issue: ...we spoke about it more and he said he decided the word "closure" is the wrong word, and it seems like what he was more talking about was what's referred on this site as a NC letter. He said he meant he wants to make sure she knew they were over and that he was trying to work things out with me. He said he definitely didnt need or want this to be in person, but by email. We have both agreed that he hold out on that until after we speak to the therapist Tuesday to discuss it and what it should say.
I would say it is necessary because she has texted him a handful of times this weekend, one reminding him how much he hurt her, one picture of herself to taunt him about what he's missing, and then clearly drunk in the middle of the night last night saying she met a guy and was going to have sex with him this morning, she texted apologizing saying "someone else" was texting from her phone...yah, right....the good news is he has shared all of them with me as soon as he got them, erased them right away, and agreed with me that he should ignore them and wait until the no contact letter to address her. Actually, he gave me his phone last night when we went to bed because he said he was worried she would send him a picture of her boobs or something and he didn't want to see them (yah, she's a winner), but she didn't.


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

I am so excited that I get to share my FWH's NC letter twice this weekend. It is not the typical, recommended SI NC letter, but as the OW was a bit of a junior bunny boiler (stalking/fishing for FWH for 8 years ) we felt this was the necessary letter in our situation. So far, so good!

Ms. Other Woman

I love my wife. Milkshake is the most amazing, wonderful, caring loving and forgiving woman I know.

I have re-dedicated myself to Milkshake and our marriage. I am so grateful Milkshake is giving me the chance to prove to and show her how much I love her. I will be doing that until the day I die.

I am horrified, disgusted and ashamed by what I did. Even more so that I did it with you.

I regret the day I met you and every minute I spent with you or even talked to you.

I hate you and will never forgive you for the role you played in causing my wife pain. She was innocent and didn't deserve the pain our selfish behaviour caused her.

Milkshake is my past, present and future. You are the past and simply irrelevant.

Do not contact Milkshake or me again in any way, shape or form. We have made a report to the police and our lawyer is prepared to take legal action if needed.

Again, I hate you and never want to see or hear from you again!

Mister Sister

Feel free to use any of the letter you may want, or not use anything at all. It makes me smile and I enjoy sharing it.

Most importantly your WH needs to make sure he closes all doors permanently. He can't say anything positive in the least. Like, "I'll always have fond memories" or "You were a good friend" etc., etc., He needs to be cold, businesslike and blunt. No cushioning the blow.

I am very glad that you talked and what WH was talking about was in essence a NC letter. That is some forward progress! YAY!

eta: added a missing word

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 6:45 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9652 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

That's so weird you just posted this- it is EXACTLY what I was just telling my WH. He received a text about 10 minutes ago from her saying she keeps thinking about him and she still loves and misses him. She wants to hate him but can't and she feels like she lost her best friend. I was telling him that when he does write the NC letter, it will need to not pander to her feelings at all by saying that he cared about her too, etc (to soften the blow) because it would only give her a mixed message. Exactly what you are suggesting!

Our situation is a little different though, in that he was lying to her too, saying he was getting a divorce, etc. so I don't feel he needs to be quite as hateful in his letter, but just as direct and to-the-point (this is not to say she's innocent- she knew damn well he was married with a kid on the way!).

Thanks for the suggestions and reassurance!


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
so_lost
Member
Member # 7726
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

After he writes his NC email to her, make sure he changes his email address and cell phone number. Change your home phone number and make sure it's unlisted. You shouldn't have to deal with hurtful texts from her when it's as easy as changing a number. Get it done girl!


D-day April 2005, R.
Me-BS 37
Him-FWH 37, 8 month EA/PA with coworker. Married 2 yrs at the time.
2 kiddos after D-day, Married 11 years.


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2005
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

(((jojo42))) I am so glad your WH is showing you the texts and giving you his phone to hold. That is an excellent sign.

I hope your R continues on this optimistic path!

Sister's NC letter is good, but you know what? A simple "I love my wife. Leave me alone forever." Really is all that needs to be said. The sooner you send it , the better. Because then hopefully OW will stop trying to communicate with him.

Best wishes.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jun 2012
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

Thank you for the support and advice. Unfortunately, his cell and email are through work. He can't leave right now due to the baby coming (I'm on his insurance and we need the income- he is looking for something new but we decided he needs to stay for now). She hasn't tried to contact me since the night of DDay. Josephine, the type of letter you suggested is what we will be writing. Do you think he should text it to her? She has been texting him every 30 minutes or so the last few hours, despite the fact he's ignoring every one. We both think she might be drinking. We are afraid if he texts her back, it will encourage her to keep texting. I just don't know why she keeps texting! He hasn't answered any of them all weekend! Can't she take a hint??


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

jojo,

Your H needs to block her number.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37582 | Registered: Sep 2007
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

I didn't know you could do that- do you know how on an iphone?


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, June 10th (Monday)

To my knowledge there is no way to block a number on an iPhone that isn't jailbroken.

However, I believe if you call AT&T they can block her number from your account.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jun 2012
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, June 10th (Monday)

gently,your situation isn't that much different from anyone else's. Most WS's told their AP lies to get what they wanted..that they weren't having sex with their spouse..or they were separating/divorcing. So your OW is not some innocent lamb. She knowingly involved herself with a married man..who was still living with his wife. If she believed he was divorcing,then she was foolish to think that.

Didn't you tell her if she didn't stop contacting your WH,you would press charges against her for breaking the window in your living room? Yet,she is still contacting him. Maybe it's time to follow through with your "threat" and have this woman charged. Playing nice isn't working.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7419 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, June 10th (Monday)

Thank you for your responses:

Confused: It never got to that point. I decided that if she contacted me again after Dday night (window breaking, harassing texts to me) I would report her. She hasn't contacted me, only him, and I really didn't want to contact her again ever, even just to threaten her. He hasn't sent her the NC letter yet because we were waiting for the therapist appointment tomorrow to formulate it together with the therapist's guidance. I know that until she receives it, she will continue to reach out to him, so I'm looking forward to getting that to her. The letter will state that if she does attempt contact after she receives it, then that will be looked at as harassment.


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 10th (Monday)

Send the NC letter via email to all of her known email addresses, to her BS if she has one on all email addresses, to her home and work addresses via US mail, and to her BS via us mail, work and home addresses. At the bottom of the letter, put a "cc: OW name, home and work addresses, OW's BS name, home and work addresses." Print out the email to be sent via US mail, with all the email addresses showing. Just so there's no question that she and her BS have been notified.


That's what I did when I sent MOW a "stay the H away from my house and kid" letter. Very effective. Bunny boiler went NC except for one pathetic little remark in a necessary work email 4 months later. She would turn and walk the other way when she saw my fWH at work. (She doesn't work there any more. Got a crappy new job.)

BTW, the first sentence in that message was Don't ever come to our house again, and stay away from our kid. If you don't, I will call police, your husband, and my lawyer.

No pussyfooting around. Shock and awe!

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 12:29 PM, June 10th (Monday)]


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 863 | Registered: Sep 2012
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

A step backwards: yesterday I found out he kept the photo of the OW she texted him over the weekend that he told me he erased. I confronted him about it and he said he doesn't know why he kept it...I'm assuming this is all part of the fog I keep hearing about. He seems remorseful about the fact that it hurt me to find that, but can't tell me why he wanted to keep it. The only thing I got out of him was that he is going back to saying he needs to have some type of closure- to apologize for hurting her and to tell her he plans on working things out with me and that they are totally over.

I told him all the things that were suggested in this thread...that he is more worried about her feelings than mine, and he said that wasn't the case- and if it made me feel that way, it wasn't worth it to him. He said he does want to address this with the MC and see what she says, so I'm especially anxious about the conversation today.

How do I finally pull him out of this fog so that seeing her face doesn't do this to him anymore? I want him to see her face and for it to remind him how he hurt me and our family, not have fond memories he's not ready to let go of...

[This message edited by jojo42 at 9:31 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Just weighing in on this. I wish now, I had not allowed him to call her "for closure".
It gave him the foggy excuse to say, "I'll always love you, we'll always be friends".
As a woman, no f-ing way. To her it meant, "my wife made me drop you".
Now she gets to hold onto that. (it was a 4 yr PA). It didn;t do the job frankly, and we had to deal with her until I had him call her with me in the room and tell her he loved me, she was a mistake & lifetime regret. No contact.

Now, fog over, shame, horror, and empathy for me. She was, and he sees her for what she was in our case, a predator & master manipulator. A really good one. Her, and her family and little friends.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 874 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Thank you for your response- that's what I was thinking...


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

jojo42 Keeping that picture is a very bad sign. I think you know that. NC letter needs to be sent ASAP. It needs to include a threat to file a restraining order.

Your WH is cake eating reading her texts and keeping that picture. It's very likely he is communicating with her in some way. Cause if he couldn't resist keeping the picture, how is he going to resist talking to her?


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jun 2012
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

That's exactly what I told him- it's much easier to lie and deceive after you've done it once...it's like we're starting over again...again


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Jojo, honey, you have got to find your bitch boots. And I would not wait for the therapist to help you here. I would demand, yes, DEMAND, today, now, RIGHT NOW, he send her a text saying, "do not ever text me again. My wife is my life and I am going to do everything in my power to make things right by her. Any contact by you will be considered harrassment and the authorities will be contacted."

I don't trust therapists to understand the no contact letter and what it means. YOU can do this. You don't need help. If he waffles, bring him a suitcase. And I am NOT joking. Being nice and easygoing right now will END your marriage faster than anything else. YOU want to drag him out of the fog? Tell him has 3 seconds to choose, you or her. And start counting. If he lets you get to 3, bring him a suitcase.

He is stringing you along and it will NEVER end until you put your foot down. NOW is a better time to do this than later. As it is, you have months and months of his lies and deceits you will have to try to get over. You will resent him for this in the months to come,this footdragging of his. And you will be angry at yourself for allowing it. This is very hard to overcome in the best or reconciliations. You are just prolonging your recovery by moving slowly now. Move hard, move fast. DEMAND he treat you as you deserve to be treated. The OW can pound sand. I would likely tell him as well, "if you dare, DARE to make one sound, one word, one movement that she deserves any sort of kind treatment, after you have ripped my guts out, you can get out. Now."

Go hard honey. You can do it.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6442 | Registered: Jan 2011
LoveActually
Member
Member # 31030
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

What Rebreather said!! She is not a victim, she made a choice to become involved with a married man and that means accepting whatever fallout comes with it. She doesn't need to be let down gently. Your husband's only sympathy and remorse should be focused on you--you are the only victim in the affair scenario--screw closure--you need comfort, safety and security right now and your husband HAS to put your feelings first from here on out so you can begin to heal. Don't let yourself feel sorry for him or her--if they have to feel uncomfortable for a while because they didn't get a proper goodbye then too bad. It pales in comparison to what you are going to be feeling for the next 2 to 5 years as you heal from something you didn't even get to choose for yourself--they chose it for you. Hugs my dear--step up and be heard and make it all about you now.


BS (Me)
WS (Him)
D-Day 5/29/09
Married 11 yrs, together 16 yrs

Posts: 772 | Registered: Jan 2011
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Thank you Love Actually- this is exactly what I told him, and he appeared to hear me and agree. I think he's been used to being so selfish for so long, that considering my feelings is a stretch for him! But I'm not going to be put on the back burner any more!

The b!tch boots thing is hard for me because it's not my personality- not to mention I have been working hard at not getting worked up since I am pregnant...but I hear what you are saying about putting my foot down, and I am proud at how well I've done this this time around compared to last time which led to the false R. I know you say you don't trust therapists and, frankly, I don't know if I do either- but what I do know is that I look forward to having the 3rd person, not sure why, just think it will help me get my thoughts out


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Good luck. I hope the therapist gives you the boost you need to lay this out clearly. I was lucky with ours, we had a good one.

As for getting worked up, you don't have to say anything while screaming. Icy calm is also quite effective.

You've been in false R for 10 months. I was in it for 3. All I can say is that after the second dday, I was done. He had one week to meet all my demands or it was over. He made it with time to spare. Yours has had 10 months for closure. Give him no quarter, Jojo. Don't back down one inch.

Being married so short a time, I would really look at how these patterns became so ingrained so quickly. I do hope you are seeing a quality IC as well.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6442 | Registered: Jan 2011
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

MC went really well...the therapist helped to express everything I have been saying in a new way and agreed with all that has been said so far...I think we lucked out finding her.


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 31