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Just Found Out
User Topic: Saw some crap on his phone last night
Saddayforus
New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

I'm brand new here. Had a gut feeling something was not right so looked at his cellphone last night to find sexting, pics and worst of all "Good morning Hun!" and "Miss u" and "putting baby to bed now" THe emotional part is the WORST. I did see that the other woman lives 1000s of miles away, but it does not matter, I'm still hurt!

I have not confronted him YET, but plan on it soon. Just looking for some support and guidance, thanks a million!


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
cletuswv
Member
Member # 37463
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

So sorry your here...I found out via intercepted text as well and it is the most painful thing in the world

Look at the healing library and learn as much about infidelity as possible...it will help you decipher the crazy actions that will occur after confrontation and the weeks to come...be prepared to be lied to for an extended period of time.

Drink lots of water, exercise, and prepare for a long ride...make no major decisions in the days or weeks to come

Much smarter and more experienced people will be along to help you...good luck


Me: BH 40
Her: WW 35
DDay #1: 9/28/2012
TT until:
DDay #2: 1/03/2013
2.5 yr LTA EA/PA
Dday #3 6/19/2013 OM #2
DD 4
DS 7
She moved out on 7/2/2013

Posts: 94 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: The best Virginia
Bikingguy
Member
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Saddahfocus,

I am so sorry you have a need for this site. But happy you found it.

As mentioned read the article and FAQ in the healing library. When you confront hom, do not be surprised if he lies and tries to withhold info to "protect you". A millions pieces of advice, but what I will focus on is assuming he wants to stay and work he needs to know that many marriages survive an A, but many do not when the WS lies or TT (trickle truth).

In the first few weeks I was in a hurry to fix our M, but have since realized that I really need to focus on me first and WW has a lot of issues she needs to try and resolve. I read about this process as a roller coaster and boy is that correct. However what did not get mentioned is it is a ride in the dark and I have no idea what tomorrow brings. I have come to accept that and that this process is a really long one.


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 670 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Time to go into stealth mode. Don't confront to quickly. Take some time if you can and gather evidence. Get a key logger and or phone spy apps

One of my biggest regrets was flying hot and running to confront. She lied about stuff I couldn't verify then they just took it further underground.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 607 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

One of my biggest regrets was flying hot and running to confront. She lied about stuff I couldn't verify then they just took it further underground.

^^^this!
It's hard to wait, but often saves time and sanity later.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Time to go into stealth mode. Don't confront to quickly. Take some time if you can and gather evidence. Get a key logger and or phone spy apps

One of my biggest regrets was flying hot and running to confront. She lied about stuff I couldn't verify then they just took it further underground.

OMG! This!

I found out June 12th 2008, I didn't confront until sometime in August of 2008. During that time I printed out every page of all his 7 online dating sites (stored out of our home), and made password protected screenprints of some of his emails (tip: never password protect a document when you're angry, you'll never remember the password later ) I also made detailed spreadsheets.

After all that, I only confronted with half the information because I wanted him to fill in the rest. And NEVER reveal how you found out because if he really wants this to continue he will take it underground and then you'll never know what is going on.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here, but you are in the right place. There are a lot of caring people here who can help.

(((HUGS)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5820 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Like others have stated. Please go to the healing library to read about different ways to confront. It is tough and emotional as hell.

If you can stay silent and gather information that is the best way but it is hard. I errupted so it wasn't a possibility for me. But the more info you have the better.

Check phone records. Look for frequent numbers, patterns, etc. Don't just assume bc a number is 1000 miles away the person attached to it is. Mobile numbers can travel with you these days.

Deep breaths. You are not alone. We all have went through it one way or another. It is a tough road but you can and will make it through.

Good luck.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1096 | Registered: Apr 2013
Saddayforus
New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, June 7th (Friday)

Wow, THANK YOU so much for all of your kind, supportive, and very helpful responses!!! Unfortunately, I know other women this has happened to, so I immediately thought of them and took photos with a camera (not with MY phone!) for evidence. Last night, he fell asleep early, so I grabbed his phone and found 2 more women he sent naked pics to, but the EA was not there with them, thankfully! I took pics again with my camera and getting them developed now (making double prints to keep one set at work!!!). I'm thinking of confronting him on Saturday, but not sure if I should hold off more? He is not very computer/phone literate (not that I am, but I was able to discover this!). I plan on asking, seeing what he admits, and if he doesn't, then show the photos I took. I truly do not think he's done anything physically, but am afraid that will be his excuse! What do you recommend if he says it's no big deal since it was just chatting and pics???

Thanks a million for all of your help and support!!!!!


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, June 7th (Friday)

if he says it's no big deal since it was just chatting and pics?

I'd recommend that you hand him a copy of Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass and tell him when he's done reading it, to answer that question himself while you are at your lawyer's appointment. Or flip the question around, and ask him if it would be ok for you to send nude photos of yourself to men he doesn't know, since it's harmless.

I'd make sure that you are ready to confront - do the question and answer prep with us before you do.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3734 | Registered: Dec 2011
Saddayforus
New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, June 7th (Friday)

Thank you, I will get the book as well as ask him how he'd feel if I sent men nude pics and "Good Morning Sunshine" and "Miss u!" and talked about our child!!!

How do I do the question and answer prep???


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, June 7th (Friday)

What I was referring to with Q&A prep is think of questions you might ask him, then anticipate his response. You just found out, and are in shock, so taking time to think out questions is a good way to catch your breath. For example:

1. How did you meet these women?
2. Who initiated contact?
3. Why did you think this was appropriate?
4. Have you been physical with any of these women?
5. Are any of the women married (if so, follow up with finding out how to tell their spouse)

I could go on, but that's just a general idea. Maybe start a post asking for more ideas. You have time on your side right now, and the first time you confront is critical for setting the tone - I screwed it up and my wife deleted a ton of stuff that I wasn't aware of. It led to a year of agonizing searching for the truth on my part.

Good luck.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3734 | Registered: Dec 2011
Saddayforus
New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, June 7th (Friday)

Thank you, those are similar to the questions I had written down to ask (I know I'll forget otherwise!). I saw it all on his cellphone, what do I do if he tries to focus on being mad I was on his phone? Just keep telling him that's not the point?

Thanks for the reminder time is on my side, but I feel physically ill from all of this (stomach, chest pains, etc.), so I need to confront sooner than later just for my own health/sanity!

[This message edited by Saddayforus at 11:22 AM, June 7th (Friday)]


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, June 7th (Friday)

Married people don't keep secrets. You should have full access to his phone without it being an issue...those who have nothing to hide,hide nothing.

He will be pissed that you "snooped" and caught him. Too bad. he can be pissed...you did nothing wrong..you're not the one cheating.

1000's of miles away means physical sex is probably out..but there's skype sex..sexting..pics..secret email...etc.

If I had it to do all over again,I would put a keylogger on his computer,spyware on his phone,and a VAR in his car. When cheaters are confronted,they minimize and lie...the more evidence you have,the less they can lie. And,you already know he's using his phone..you don't know if there's a secret email account.


Also..you've caught him with this OW...you really have no idea if this is the "only" OW he is involved with. laying low and watching him with your keylogger and spyware will enable you to know what you're really dealing with here.

ETA: I understand..but really..it is for your health and sanity that people are suggesting you go into stealth mode and gather evidence. He will lie when you confront him..he may cry..he may get angry...he will say and do things to confuse you..he will manipulate you...the more evidence you have,the stronger you will feel.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:28 AM, June 7th (Friday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7112 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Saddayforus
New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, June 7th (Friday)

Thank you for the suggestions, that is very true, stealth mode is prob better for me right now. Thanks for the confidence that I did nothing wrong by looking at his phone. How do I go about the keylogger and spy phone and VAR? I'm not very good with technology. Thanks so much for everything!

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, June 7th (Friday)

You can get a keylogger online...there are some really good ones that'll give you a free trial offer...keyloggers record everything done on the computer..if he has a secret email account,you will find out..and it will give you all his passwords...some even record every keystroke...like if he is chatting on facebook with OW.

The spyware on the phone can also be bought online..you will need access to the phone for a few minutes...Im not sure what kind to get..I never had the chance to do this with WH's phone.

A VAR is a voice activated recorder..you can get them at Walmart,Best buy,etc. Put it under his front car seat with strong velcro.

If you really don't want to wait..don't. This is not a court of law where you have to prove he is cheating..what you read and the pics are proof of that already. We just recommend waiting because WS's like to make a BS think they're crazy,and the more proof you have going into confrontation,the better.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7112 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
WakingFromADream
Member
Member # 33934
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, June 7th (Friday)

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in our company but, you have found a place that is wonderfully supportive and has some great advice.

First of all, regarding privacy, what about yours? He violated your privacy by talking to people that are complete strangers about the intimate details of your life; not to mention showing the intimate details of his nether regions. His protection of ‘privacy’ would come across as a display of ‘disloyalty’ to you and your feelings. Your feelings need to take precedence over this other person.

As far as what he is doing, sharing intimate personal information establishes a close emotional bond independent of your relationship. There is not enough time in the day to have a great, emotionally close relationship with each other let alone invest so much outside of it.

I happen to be dealing with the fallout from an EA and have saved some quotes from others on this site that are much better than anything I could put together to help explain some of the reasons why an EA can be so devastating.

I believe that it is from @Fighting2Survive via @JRAZZ:

Our pastor said something to us early on that has really shaped how I view transparency. Here's what he said:
"People use the word 'marry' like it is a single act... you got 'married.' In truth, what you vow on your wedding day is that you will spend the rest of your days marrying your life to your spouse's life. Marrying is a continual process- a merging of two lives into one. It is never completed."

Transparency is marrying. When a spouse keeps information away from his or her spouse, it is a withdrawal from that vow to marry. There should be nothing in his life that is off-limits to you. Everything should be open because that is what he committed to in his vows.

@Unagie:

Now lets say you have an emotional affair with no physical. You detach from your partner. All the things that would bring the two of you closer, the things that you should be sharing with your partner you are instead sharing with this OP. Perhaps they are innocent convos at first but you're talking to them about things you keep from your partner or you're talking to them about you're partner. Suddenly this person knows more about your emotions, feelings, opinions and so on then your partner does. Maybe I love yous are exchanged, maybe you just have an emotional connection to them that you don't have with your partner. Lets say this is what your partner finds. This can equally destroy. This is about attacking your connection with your partner without ever physically touching someone. What makes it worse is that many who do this see nothing wrong in what they've done because they haven't physically touched someone. You have still violated your relationship.

@Gr8Wht71:

The EA is a breakdown of effort and commitment to your spouse, and drives wedges between you both. Emotional investment, communication and spiritual connection is stolen from the primary relationship and invested in elsewhere. It like trying to save for a family vacation, your spouse is putting money into the account every week, but your money is going into an "Week alone in Aruba" account.

On some level, your spouse will feel that the contributions are not being matched, and this will cause hurt and anger, insert wedge.

Their attitude can change, causing arguments and fights, insert wedge.

Eventually, the wedges cause the relationship to split.


Me(35) XWW(36) DS(7) DD 11/16/11 EA(PA?) M 11y D 9/3/13

Don't make anyone a priority when you are only an option.


Posts: 1147 | Registered: Nov 2011
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, June 7th (Friday)

I wish wish wish I had known to get the VAR, and spyware prior to confrontation. This would have let me catch him each time be broke NC when we began R. We had a rough start, even though he knew he wanted me, our marriage, our family. He would lie, and I knew he was lying. If only.....

I would get those ducks in a row, see an attorney to find out what your rights are, and what to expect should it turn ugly. Then confront. It's hard to make it seem normal when you are dealing with all of this. I couldn't do it, and he had made me so crazy by the time I had proof I HAD to confront just for my own sanity.

((((and strength))))

Keep posting, keep asking questions.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7785 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Saddayforus
New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, June 7th (Friday)

Thanks so very much for all of your input. I have to remember he violated MY privacy. I just got home from the store with the pics I took for evidence, and, ordered prints of the second set of evidence through my tears while there.

I don't know if I'll be able to do the spyware on his phone, how do I go about that? I'm researching the keylogging for computer now. The VAR I'll have to figure out. Thanks so very much for all of your help!!! I may not get back online since I'm now home and he'll be home from work soon, acting like nothing wrong. It's killing me:(


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
FieldsOfLavender
Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

You know after I confronted WH, he said I violated the OW whore's privacy!!!! Where are his loyalties?

Posts: 186 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Check his email too. Look for skype or other chat applications on his phone.

Do a reverse look up on the OW and see if you can get names. Then look them up and see if they have spouses.

Right before you confront you need to let the other spouses know.

Check your phone bill to see what numbers he is texting and how long he has been texting them.

Check your credit card statements and bank statements to look for any unusual expenditures.

He has to be meeting these women some how. Is he into online gaming? Is he on dating websites?

Also, tips for when you confront:

1. Be vague. Say something like "i know you are texting other women". Then stare at him and say nothing else. He will talk. Say nothing. Leave big gaping silences. He will get panicky and keep talking to fill the silences.

2. Do not reveal your sources. EVER.

3. Do not reveal all that you know. If he starts confessing to things you have already found out but haven't admitted to knowing yet, you will have more reason to believe him.

4. If he gets offended about you looking on the phone and starts complaining about that, calmly point out that he is blameshifting and trying to deflect the problem on to you. Remind him the issue is his deceit and betrayal.

Learn the broken record technique: You find a phrase and repeat it over and over no matter how many times he tries to argue it.

So yours could be "You are blameshifting. The issue we are discussing is your deceit and betrayal".

Let's say he comes after you with "How dare you look at my phone?"

You say, "You are blameshifting. The issue we are discussing is your deceit and betrayal".

He says, "But you had no right to look at my phone!"

You say, "You are blameshifting. The issue we are discussing is your deceit and betrayal".

Get it? Don't let him drag you away from the real issue. Don't go there. He will try to put you on the defense. Just don't even go there.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:21 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

^^Excellent advice^^

Also don't let him try and blame you. This is not your fault. You are not responsible for his choices..and an affair is a choice. A conscious,deliberate,cruel act of abuse. Do not allow him to say he did it because you did/didn't do "whateverbullshitexcusehegivesyou". No marriage is perfect. No wife is perfect. But he had options. He chose to cheat.

Good luck,honey. Im so sorry you're here,but Im glad you found us.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7112 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
MammaMia
Member
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

One more thing:

Never ask questions that he can answer with a " yes", " no", " I don't know" , " I don't remember" or " I am not sure".

One poster advised you on some great questions to ask. One of the questions was: Have you been physical with any of these women? This question could be answered with one of my responses above.
Instead, I would ask the question as follows: How many times have you been physical with these women?
Phrase your questions in such a way that he MUST give you an answer.
Make a list of your questions ( I sure did) because you may forget to ask some.

Before you start questioning, DO make it clear that you will not accept " I don't know" or " I don't remember " answers. He MUST remember. ( they love these responses, trust me) Even though you will warn him in advance, he will try the " I don't remember" routine. Don't budge.

The VAR is the easiest of all the spy equipment to use. I would advise you to have a VAR on ready to record the confrontation. Have it in your pocket, under the sofa, somewhere but DO NOT tell him. Later, when the confrontation is over, you can listen to it again because in the emotional state that you will be at the time you two talk, there will be many things you may not clearly remember.
You got some excellent advice here....you should do great when confronting.


And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

Posts: 838 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
Saddayforus
New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, June 10th (Monday)

Thank you all so very, very much. This weekend with him was so tense, I was very snippy (I couldn't help it!), he kept asking what was wrong: I said I didn't feel good, which is the truth! My stomach and chest pains are a wreck (yes, I called my doctor).

I could not find the VAR automated recorder, but found one that is small I will press record for the confrontation. I don't know how I'd get one in his car since I cannot find the voice activated one.

My main concern is his cellphone, I went through his phone again, it's the 'google plus' think like facebook. That's how he is messaging. Maybe I'll post about google plus since I'm not familiar.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, June 10th (Monday)

I sent you a PM.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7112 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Saddayforus
New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, June 10th (Monday)

Thanks so much. I'm getting my 'ducks in a row' for the confrontation. That's what I'm really worried about, how to start it. I think it's just google plus but what if it's more? I only have evidence of that.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, June 10th (Monday)

Do you have access to his google+ account? Do you know who these women are now?


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
Saddayforus
New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, June 10th (Monday)

I can only access his google+ acct on his phone. I tried to figure out how to find his account settings, but could not. Any idea how to on a Smartphone??

I did look at both of the women's profiles on google plus, they are definitely 1000s of miles away in diff time zones according to their profiles and chats with him. That's my fear, he'll think it's fine since it was not 'in person'


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, June 10th (Monday)

That's my fear, he'll think it's fine since it was not 'in person'

What do YOU think? Do not worry what he will think.

Do you think its fine that he do this? Of course not. Just as he wouldn't be 'fine' with you doing it.

Google how to get the information off his particular type phone. Gather your evidence and confront.

Just because he may not have physically seen these women does not mean he isn't being unfaithful to your marriage. He is.


Posts: 722 | Registered: Sep 2010
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, June 10th (Monday)

Since you now know who these women are, see if you can tell from their profiles who their BHs are.

Contact their BHs BEFORE you confront your WH. You want other eyes on them. If you confront your BH first, he will warn them and they will gaslight their BHs.

Tell the BHs first and they can snoop and find their own evidence.

Betrayal is doing something in secret that you would never do in front of your spouse. Your WH has betrayed no matter how he may try to spin it.

When you confront, I would sit your WH down in front of your computer, you hold his phone and then demand he give you the password to his google+ account. Then you look at it online and check his email for evidence while he is sitting there. Make sure you have his phone in your possession when you confront.

I am so sorry you are going through this confused615. Come down hard.

One of the biggest mistakes I made was not tossing my WH out on his ass when I saw he was perusing Match.com. He had no chat history with any women, but it was the precurser to his A. It was indicative of his wayward mindset and how single he actually felt. Instead, of me being firm I ended up apologizing for looking on his computer. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?!?!

Do not let your WH rugsweep this. It is serious. He is looking outside the marriage for validation.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
neverwantedaWW
Member
Member # 36015
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, June 10th (Monday)

Sad, stay strong. It's not easy to confront, but you will feel better.


Me: BS
WW EA/PA with coworker
DD OCT 14 2011
Married 19 years.

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2012
fallingquickly
Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, June 10th (Monday)

Please gather as much information as possible. I confronted too soon and ended up in false reconciliation for over a year. The one night stand he confessed to was actually 5 women over a four year period, some ONS others long term. And as I did not learn the actual truth he continued with the behavior.

Don't make assumptions about what he would and would not do. I was shocked by what my WH was capable of doing and then lying to me about.


Me-BW 50
Him-STBXWH

2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
Saddayforus
New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, June 10th (Monday)

Many thanks for your support and advice! I only know the 2 women's google plus profiles, could tell they are married by the messenger chats, but I have no clue how to contact their husbands.

I'm definitely not assuming what he is/is not doing, I'm making sure I have proof of it all that I can find, hence why I have not confronted yet. Although for my physical health, I need to soon!

I truly appreciate all of your advice, I seriously don't know how I would've survived this past week without all of your help!!

[This message edited by Saddayforus at 5:00 PM, June 10th (Monday)]


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
Saddayforus
New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Thank you all for everything! I confronted him last night and he admitted to everything and was tearful and appeared remorseful. Of course I have my ducks in a row, but at least he didn't try to deny!

We a had looooong talk and he definitely wants to stay together (so do I), and, he took it upon himself to message them no contact and deleted the app from his phone. Of course I will be keeping my eyes open, but now what is the next step?!


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

In order to R he needs to:

Be remorseful...remorse is all about you and helping you heal..it isnt selfish..that's regret.

He must get tested for STD's..with the results sent to you..you get tested also.

He must go to IC to figure out why he did this.

He must be 100% transparent..he gives you full access to all of his accounts and cell..passwords included...if he has a work phone/email..you get the passwords..PERIOD.

He answers all of your questions with complete honesty..no blaming you or becoming defensive.

He takes 100% responsibility for his choices.

He is accountable for his time when he isn't with you.

And anything else you need to heal. he needs to understand it takes 3-5 years to heal from infidelity..it's an emotional rollercoaster,he needs to buckle up.

He needs to be patient and understanding and realize the gravity of what he has done.


One word of caution..you said he admitted to "everything." I promise you,he didn't. He is going to lie and minimize..that's what they do. Be careful of oncoming TT.



BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7112 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

^^^^^You have some very good advice here. There is usually more, and overstepping each boundary gets easier for someone with a Cheater's mindset. It's good that you will be vigilant.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Saddayforus
New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Thanks so much. He does appear to be truly remorseful, he kept apologizing for hurting me, not being selfish.

I meant to say that he admitted to "everything" I meant everything that I was already aware of and had evidence of....then I asked what else, and he said that was it. I'm afraid of TT, that's for sure, hence why I'm keeping an eye out on top of things. He deleted the app, but I'm going to be checking his phone a LOT!


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Apologies are easy...what do his actions tell you? Is he doing anything from my previous post?


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7112 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

(((saddayforus)))

I was in the position of my WH admitting only to what I confronted him with.

THere is more, I have found it. I haven't shared with him that I know these things. He has been given multiple chances to confess and multiple "get out of jail free" cards, but he hasn't ever confessed.

I pointed out to him and his IC that the chances of me batting 1000 and finding EVERYTHING there is to find is next to nil. WH still denies and IC thinks I have an odd attitude since WH insists he has told me everything.

Know that there is probably more. Pay very close attention to him. Make sure he isn't out of bed at night while you are sleeping, etc.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
Saddayforus
New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

He does not know what I found and have evidence of, I did not tell him. I purposely kept it vague and said "I know you've been chatting online on Facebook" (I knew full well it was google+, but I wanted to see what he'd say!) and he did tell me it wasn't Facebook, it was google and he showed me his phone. I did not tell him that I already saw all of it and have pics of it! I was saving it for in case he tried to deny it, but he didn't, thank goodness. Of course I'm keeping my eyes open, though!!

I did audio record last nite (thanks for the tip!) and will be listening to it when I have a free chance.

He has taken 100% responsibility for his actions, and he did not blame me for any of it, so those are good signs, BUT, this all JUST went down last night, so it's too soon to tell. I'm proceeding very cautiously!


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Those are good signs SDFU!

Ask him why he had a need to look outside the marriage for validation. This is what he has to figure out and fix.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Spokeo is also an interesting place online. It will say you have to pay but you don't to get onto some screens.

It was really interesting because it filtered and then drew together all of the websites he goes to.

We were already in D process and it makes too many triggers to look, but when I was in stealth mode, it really helped.

It even guided me to some of the sites where people sell stuff and I learned about OW's household a little that way, because he is/was selling video gaming equipment we don't have here and never did. (I guess he could buy and try to refurbish, but I doubt it).


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2132 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Saddayforus
New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Thanks so much for your help. I actually did discuss it with him and know why he was looking outside: for an ego boost (he has VERY low self esteem) and problems with his job. He even said that it's no excuse for what he did. Last night he was crying hysterically asking me for forgiveness and that he never wants to break up. Of course I will still keep my eyes open, though!!

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Does he have a plan in place for the next time his life gets rough and he needs an ego boost?

Is he going to go to IC? Are you two going to attend MC?

Don't rugsweep, please. He made a conscious effort to seek women outside your marriage when he knew you would be hurt. He needs boundaries. You need boundaries. Your marriage needs boundaries.


Posts: 722 | Registered: Sep 2010
disgust
Member
Member # 34200
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

(((Sad)))

The last A my husband had was with AP that lived in Puerto Rico. We are in NJ. It was a PA (physical affair). Granted they saw each other a handful of times but the AP travelled to see him on her husband's dime. Really classy.

I don't want to add to your anxiety. I'm only telling you this because it is a possibility and there may be a need for you to get tested (STDs).

Please take care of yourself.


Posts: 348 | Registered: Dec 2011
Saddayforus
New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

How do I go about finding IC and MC? Any ideas for an ego boost for him?

I'm not trying to rugsweep, I'm just updating the status since everyone on this thread has been so helpful! I agree boundaries need to be set, I'm trying to determine what they should be, any ideas are much appreciated!


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Oh no, I did not mean it in a 2x4 way. I just wanted you to be aware that many WS can appear remorseful at first and we fall all over ourselves to boost them up.

HE SHOULD BE HELPING YOU HEAL. Not the other way around here.

What is he doing to make this better for you?


Posts: 722 | Registered: Sep 2010
Saddayforus
New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

That makes sense, thank you. I'm surely watching out to see if he's truly remorseful. He keeps asking me what he can do to make this up to me, I said stay in open and honest communication. He deleted the app off his phone. I'm trying to think of what to ask of him, I promise I'm not trying to sweep things under the rug or make excuses for him, I'm just trying to make sense out of the past week!

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

He should be offering you complete access to his cell phone (call records). Internet history (no deleting it) and email (if he has work email, you should have access to that also).

The biggest thing is NO CONTACT (NC) with any of the APs. Even if it was *just* texting or chatting or whatever. NC.

Some people find they want a timeline of the indiscretion/s. Such as when it started, how often it happened, how many times, why he felt it was OK to betray you in those times, etc.

It isn't his words that will show you his remorse, it is his actions. He is telling you all the right things right now. He just got caught. Its what happens now and in the future.

How did he feel it was OK to get an "ego boost" from total strangers, but not speak to his life partner about it?


Posts: 722 | Registered: Sep 2010
Saddayforus
New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Thanks for the tips. I have access to his phone, he doesn't have work email, I have the internet history.

He did message the other women that he will no longer be in contact with them, then deleted everything in front of me. I know he could go do it again, but I will be checking.

I like the idea of a timeline, we did discuss it, maybe I will write it out.

That's exactly what I'm afraid of: he's telling me this now, but what does the future hold next time we argue or he needs an ego boost? I totally agree, why does he need that from strangers and not talk to me?!


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

((((SDFU))))

You are doing great! You should be proud of yourself.

Your H needs to dig inside himself to work on his self-esteem, usually through IC. You can support his journey through positive affirmation, but by definition self-esteem needs to come from inside yourself.

I found our counselors by asking friends for recommendations. You can try asking your doctor too.

Best of luck!



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1698 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

((((SDFU))))

You are doing great! You should be proud of yourself.

Your H needs to dig inside himself to work on his self-esteem, usually through IC. You can support his journey through positive affirmation, but by definition self-esteem needs to come from inside yourself.

I found our counselors by asking friends for recommendations. You can try asking your doctor too.

Best of luck!



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1698 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Saddayforus
New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Thank you so much! I'm really trying my best. I truly appreciate all of the support!

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
undonelife
Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, June 14th (Friday)

You are doing fantastic. Stay strong. Hold him accountable. If there's another Man U trust that values your marriage ask you H to have him as an accountability partner as well. This will help w his boundaries


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 182 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
undonelife
Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, June 14th (Friday)

T/J. Ashland13 I used spokeo for everything. I found out all I needed there to start the search on OW & stuff on him I didn't know. It was worth the $20 annual fee to get what I needed to know & so easy. I even found out her H & parents names & looked them up on FB.


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 182 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
Saddayforus
New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

So it's been over a week since I confronted him. He admitted to everything that I had known about, he seems very remorseful, patiently answering my questions, not getting angry, constantly apologizing, doing everything right, etc. I ask all of the time if he's heard from them, he tells me NO and deleted his app/account. I have been checking and have seen nothing. I do believe him, but I can tell he wants to move past this, as do I, but I'm still very hurt. It's a balancing act between being upset and wanting to move forward (even tho it's only been a week!).

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

It takes 3-5 years to heal from infidelity.

If he is wanting you to get over it within a week from dday,you have a a problem. It doesn't bode well for your marriage. You shouldn't even be thinking about moving past this yet. Don't rugsweep. he WILL do it again if you do. R is a process...a very long process...and a shit ton of work.

Ok..he deleted the account and the app. What else is he doing to show you he wants to R?

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:25 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7112 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Saddayforus
New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

I don't think he is wanting me to get over it IMMEDIATELY, he wants to make things better. I do, too, but I'm still very upset, and he does not get mad when I ask questions.

I was reading on the site here about remorse versus rugsweeping, and he definitely is showing remorse. He expresses sorrow, shows compassion, takes full responsibility, etc. I can see/feel/sense how awful he feels about everything. I'm still checking everything even tho I do believe him, I'm not going to be naïve about this. I'm just at a loss lately.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Is he going to IC to figure out his "why?"

Has he given you a timeline yet?

Is he transparent? Do you have full access to all of his online accounts,computers,and cell phones? Do you have the passwords?

I understand you feel lost. The first few months are agonizingly painful. You just need to get through each day and try to stay sane. It will get better,with time,hard work,and remorse.

You said he has admitted to everything you knew about.....what about the things you do NOT know about? Very,very rarely does a BS find everything in the beginning..and very rarely does the WS admit everything. I'd start asking him what it is you dont know..tell him if he will admit to the things you don't know,it will help to rebuild trust.

My WH told me for 2.5 years of "R" that I knew everything..swore on our children and everything...then dropped a TT bomb on me..a whole other PA/AP that took place a few months prior to the one I discovered on dday#1. This..after he swore I knew everything.

Ask him to take a polygraph...then follow through with it.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7112 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

He needs to figure out why he needs the ego boost, and fix that. If that means IC then he needs to do that.
Dont know who to go to? Talk to your Dr, your church, and your friends, do a google search on who is in your area.
Consider MC too. He needs to learn better coping skills.
It sounds as though he really get it, which is VERY unusual. So that's why many of us are hinting at proceeding with caution.

I would definitely stay in spy mode, this would include a VAR in his vehicle, and a keylogger on the computer. When you continue to find nothing then you know he really is on the right track.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7785 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

That's exactly what I'm afraid of: he's telling me this now, but what does the future hold next time we argue or he needs an ego boost? I totally agree, why does he need that from strangers and not talk to me?!

I can tell you why. It is a very twisted way of thinking. It is like my WH. He grew up in an severely abusive family. Both his mother and father abused him mentally, emotionally and physically. He was told almost every day of his life he was worthless and he internalized those voices.

Now he has an internal dialogue going all the time telling him he is worthless. I, his wife, could tell him he was wonderful, but in his mind it either didn't count because I had to say that as it was expected of me OR he would tell himself I wouldn't love him if I knew what a worthless person he was.

So he couldn't look to me for the ego stroking. And eventually I actually became a trigger for him. He felt he was worthless as a family member and I represented our family.

OW on the other hand was a complete stranger and in his warped thinking if she said he was wonderful it HAD to be true because she was not EXPECTED to say that.

So boom, he starts getting the ego strokes of someone telling him he is sexy and wonderful and brilliant. Doesn't matter what she is like. Because now he feels awful about himself for his behavior, he turns back to her to hear how wonderful he is and relieve the guilt.

Self-perpetuating cycle.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 60