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Just Found Out
User Topic: The fight of my life
TheGreatestLove
New Member
Member # 38856
Concerned  Posted: 1:59 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

I found out three months ago that I am a BS. My husband of seven years and my "best" friend had an affair. I am swinging through the emotions as drastically as I was the first day I knew. I have decided that this is the fight of my life, for my marriage. I immediately went to counseling after the discovery, and have continued since. I have talked with mentors and friends. I have talked with my WS.
The most difficult aspect of my situation is the OP. As I said, she had been considered by "best" friend. Of course, she no longer holds that title. The three of us (me, hubs, friend) spent a lot of time together the 6 months before their affair began. Her husband had recently left her, and she needed support. I jumped right in to give her that support. I realize now that our relationship (the 3 people) was not good. She was our continuous third wheel. I also see that our time spent together was part of what sparked their disastrous mistake.
As soon as I was told by my WS, I completely cut off my relationship with the OP. Aside from some colorful e-mails and texts, we never spoke again. Our counselor also told us that my WS needed to cut all contact with the OP. This has been more difficult for him. They have not been meeting in person, but they have continued to have contact through e-mails, texts and the phone. For some time, I was lead to believe she was a bit "stalking" in this, but I know now he had something to do with it too.
My biggest question today is how to move forward. He has repeatedly asked about us having a friendship with her again. I have repeatedly answered that this is out of the question. Most recently, he has told me that she serves the need of "conversation", and that he feels he needs to continue. I see this as continuing an emotional affair.
This whole situation as caused us both to reevaluate our beliefs and priorities. I have discovered a strength within me that I didn't know existed. I have a new-found peace with myself as a person, but that doesn't make this any easier.
We have two small children (2 and 1 years). I am not staying with him for the children. They are a factor, but not the deciding factor. I do believe in forgiveness. I believe in healing. I believe in love. I know I married this man because I love him with my whole heart. I am not willing to sacrifice the rest of my life with him, for this set of mistakes. He has been making most every effort to work toward healing, aside from this "conversation" with the OP part.
How do I reconcile this to my heart? Is it possible to have a friendship with the OP? I don't see how it can be healthy, and all mentors and counsel that I seek agree.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Mar 2013
stillcrying4ever
Member
Member # 38310
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Absolutely NOT! Have him send a NC letter or 180 him. You can never heal if OP is still involved. Period.


D Day May 27, 2012
In R


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Reality
Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

I'm so sorry, TGL. No, being friends with her isn't healthy. No, your husband having contact with her still isn't okay.

I know you want to believe the best about him. It's obvious you love him and want your relationship to work. So this is going to sound really harsh, but he's still having the affair.

It doesn't matter why he's contacting her. It doesn't matter what justifications he's using to convince you its okay or even (?!) that you should be friends with her again.

He's asking you to help facilitate his affair. He's being a standard "cake eater" and gaslighting you to keep it going.

Your instincts are spot on. Not only is it okay to demand NO CONTACT, for you to have any chance of rebuilding your marriage, you have to demand it.

We're here with you. We've been/are where you are. He's completely wrong.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Apr 2013
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Here's how that conversation should go next time the topic of her continueing being his "firend"....

(insert overly calm, overly controlled voice)
"Dear, I cannot control what you do. If you want to speak with her again, go right ahead. I can't stop you. The only thing I can control in this situation are my actions. And I'm telling you point blank. If you talk with her again, you'll be doing it a single man."

You need to be very firm, consistant and leave no room for debate on this. There can only be two people in a mariage. If she's in, you're out.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 2:11 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]


BH(me)-47, FWW-41,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Dies irae. Dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
Gipper
Member
Member # 32232
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

This ^^^^^^. You won't move forward under the circumstances he desires. Your strength comes through in your post. I think you have a good grasp on things to be this close to DDay. It's time to put your stomping boots and start dictating what YOU are going to do. You cant change him, and you are done with her. Good luck.

Posts: 714 | Registered: May 2011
KeepCalm_CarryOn
Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Um no.

We do not have "friends" that are destructive to our marriage. We do not have "friends" that lie. We do not have "friends" that would betray us at the drop of the pants.

No.

We only have friends of the marriage. Friends who build us up and support our marriage. Friends who add value to our lives. Friends who know boundaries.

What he is doing is continuing the A. While it may not (currently) be physical, it is most definitely still emotional and there cannot be three in a marriage. Much like Twitchy said, you cannot "force" him to do anything but you can draw a clear line in the sand and stand your ground. Not only that, but a clear NC letter needs to be sent to OW.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 1957 | Registered: Sep 2011
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

^^^ This

There is only room for two in a marriage. He doesn''t get to waffle, he doesn''t get to continued contact, he doesn''t get any more time to think about what HE wants to do. This ends now, one way or the other, because if it doesn''t, you are going to continue to be left with open, gaping wounds as they take their affair underground. And make no mistake, that is exactly what they are trying to do. You are BANG ON that they are carrying on an EA and you know that this will lead to another PA.

Please. Find all of your reserve and determination, and tell him. This is it. You either right now, immediately, agree to go NC with OW and we draft and send the NC letter/email together, or I will schedule an appointment with a divorce lawyer as quickly as possible. I will not live in a marriage with OW in it. Make your decision now commit to me fully by going NC with OW and by giving me access to every electronic and social media device that you have, or you leave the house and go stay elsewhere while I pursue a divorce. Your wedding vows are to me and our family. Choose if you are going to honor them or not.

Otherwise they will rip the heart out of your chest and play volleyball with it. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4120 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Read my profile where I tell my story of OW #2 (this is the EA that is relevant to your sitch).

He can NOT be "friends" with her. What hurt me the most when my FWH wanted the same is 1) why would he want to be friends with a woman who clearly disrespected me AND our M, and 2) why was he making my feelings second.

Hell to the no. NC NOW. I had to go drastic, but it pulled FWH's head out of his arse.

Hugs to you. I know your pain all too well.


Me - 48; FWH - 50
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 26
4yo GS & 14 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/14(DD30) and 2yo GD(DD26). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 4803 | Registered: May 2007
MissLonelyHeart
New Member
Member # 39460
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said by the wise people of this board. There is NO way he can have it both ways. I still cannot believe the nerve these WS have! He actually wants the 3 of you to still be friends? 180 his ass now.


ME~BS
HIM~SAWS prostitutes multiple times, who knows what else?
Status~ Changes from day to day in my mind

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jun 2013
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Let me give you a real life example of how having a continued "friendship" with the affair partner ends up.

I have a very close relative who was married for a few years at the time, and had a couple small children with his wife. Another relative moved in with them around this time as he was down on his luck and needed someplace to stay. Shortly thereafter, the guy (relative) who moved in, also moved in on the wife. They started an A that lasted for several months until the BH kicked the OM out.

Fast forward to about 6 years later. BH decides it's time to forgive the OM and decides to befriend him again (since he's a relative, they would see each other at family events every so often anyway). BH loosened his boundaries on WW having a friendship with OM because OM was now married for a few years as well, so of course that meant he wasn't a threat. Fast forward about 5 full months later (ya, not very long at all) and WW moved out of the marital home and MOVES IN WITH OM! She lives with OM for about 6 months, moves back home with BH because she realizes she's spending money on rent for no reason and she continues to see OM, and ANOTHER OM while living with the BH.

Once they crossed the line, they can NOT be friends anymore. And I completely disagree with

He has been making most every effort to work toward healing

because he is STILL having an EA with her at minimum. He's involved in an A with her, and you are allowing it to go on. It's time to put up some strong boundaries, it's time for him to go NC (no contact) with OW immediately, and it's time for you to stand up for yourself. Like you said, this is a fight, this isn't a "sit back and see what happens when he gets bored".


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
TheGreatestLove
New Member
Member # 38856
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

** Sorry to all super-users, not sure how to reply to everyone within this post to ask more questions. Maybe someone can enlighten me. **

#1 Thank you for letting me know I am not crazy. I am a person of faith and forgiveness, but I thought that this situation was more than any person could bear. I am glad I am not the only one believing so.
#2 I don't know that I can say, NC or no me. I have basically said that in so many words, but he doesn't seem to get it. I have told him that it is unbearable to have her as a relationship on the side. I have told him that he, in needing to talk with her, is continuing the EA. As I write this, I feel like the blatantly blind girl in a bad Lifetime movie - but this is my life now.
He has told me he loves me. He continually tells me how wonderful I am and how amazing of a wife and mother I am. Then, he says he has "feelings" for another. Or, he doesn't have "emotions" for me. He says he is working on the "emotions" for me. He says he wants our marriage to work. But within the same breath, he says he needs to continue the friendship with the OW.
#3 Another struggle is that the OW was a friend of mine. I completely cut off contact with her. Blocked her on e-mails, phones, Facebook. I have been advised by counsel to not reach out to her and let her know how I am feeling. I have drafted at least 15 e-mails to her, but I have obeyed my counsel and not sent them. Since the WS hasn't obeyed, why am I? Why can't I let her know exactly what she is doing?!
My last concern is that my WS keeps telling me how much the OW cares for me. (?!) My mind still cannot comprehend this idea. How is it that someone "cares" for me, but they make every action to destroy my marriage? How is it that someone "cares" for me, but she will not stop contacting and pursuing my husband? I say this because it is another reason in his logic for having a friendship with her. Because she "cares" about me, they can be friends. WE (?!) could be friends?! I don't get it. I simply don't get it.

I have told him that anyone else would've left by now. With the behaviors I have endured, I have every reason to. But my heart says I have every reason to fight. My love says, "Fight, Fight Fight!!"


Posts: 9 | Registered: Mar 2013
Brokenhearted49
New Member
Member # 39243
Exclaimation  Posted: 3:45 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Stay the course! Your instincts are spot on! I am in the same situation...best friend and my daughters godmother. She is now dead to me and my husband. Absolutely no contact is the only way to go. If your husband is waffling, then he is still attached to her. No contact, no mercy. Let her find her own confidant. You're not running an emotional support charity. Stay strong-you deserve better ! Lots of hugs your way.


Me: 50
Him: 57
Together 26 yrs, married 23 yrs
2 stepsons ( which I've helped raise) 29 & 28 and our son , 21 and daughter 19
OW was daughters Godmother and my Best Friend and has NPD (severe case)
DDay: 5/7/13
Reconciling

Posts: 27 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Medway, MA
still2suspicious
Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

TGL-

There's a saying here "It stops when YOU say it stops", and you need say STOP!

You can read my profile, if you'd like. My FWH had a secret LTEA, still not exactly how long, but at least 2 to 3 yrs!

We were already separated when I found out. When we decided to R, we went to a Gottman weekend. When I was talking about her I said she is gone! He said she is his friend, and he didn't want to lose her. Asked can we revisit this in 6 months? NO! how about 1 yr? HELL NO! It was fish or cut bait for me. Luckily for Mr S2S he made the right choice

4 yrs out and I am just now getting to the point of saying we are almost completely healed. Granted I did not have SI for the first 2 yrs, and we did not do MC until last summer, so my time-frame is a little on the slow up-take side.

2 in a M, not 3, not ever! Especially since they already had a PA.

Nope, ain't gonna happen.

Don't let him call the shots at this point.

IT'S UP TO YOU!!

PM me if I can answer any questions.


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1174 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Not only is your husband completely disrespecting you by continuing contact, but by not letting go, he is not allowing himself or the OW to move forward. Each contact starts both of their withdrawal processes over again and prolongs getting over each other and moving on.

If I had any one thing to say to any newbie, it would be to insist on no contact with her or no contact with you. It's torturous behavior to subject all parties to.

I know it's scary but having his cake and eating it doesn't allow him to see what it would be like to not have both and each time you overlook it, it takes a chunk of your self-esteem.

My husband cheated twice. The second time, he said he should be able to be "friends" and that I was trying to pick his friends. I told him that I was not choosing his friends, I was choosing what I needed for a healthy marriage. He could choose to be friends with her if he wanted but he couldn't also be married to me. He chose the marriage, luckily for him.

As hard as this is, if your husband chooses the OW over you right now, it will be that much quicker for you to get through the pain and move on. If he chooses you over OW, it is that much quicker for her to get through it and move on. As long as he chooses you both, nobody gets through the pain, the drama continues to be fed, and even your husband suffers for his choice.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
3 kids

DD#1: 3/18/2003
DD#2: 9/28/2010 with a follow up on 1/28/2011 where he decided to come clean about the EA actually being a PA.

The OW could have been anybody and both turned out to be nobody special.


Posts: 3775 | Registered: Sep 2005
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

(TGL)

I am sorry you are having to endure this. I know some of your instincts are telling you to stay in the fight. But as long as your WH remains in contact with OW you cannot win this fight. The only way to "win" is to simply let go of the rope.

Right now there are no consequences for him. He cannot see beyond his own selfish interests for you to reason with. He has the OW vying for his attention, he has you fighting to keep him. He has no reason to stop seeing her.

FWH kept breaking NC. Kept finding reasons to keep talking to her. I didn't have him, he was present but not an H. He said a lot of pretty things, but he was also saying a lot of stuff to OW too. All I got was a few more DDays. The A ended when I let go, when I conceded the fight and just stopped caring.

right now you are in the eye of the hurricane and you don't have the perspective we do. Focus on you more and him less.

Hang in there


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4457 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

TGL,

He's still in the A. You, as a couple, can't heal from the affair as long as he is still having it.

He has told me he loves me. He continually tells me how wonderful I am and how amazing of a wife and mother I am. Then, he says he has "feelings" for another. Or, he doesn't have "emotions" for me. He says he is working on the "emotions" for me. He says he wants our marriage to work. But within the same breath, he says he needs to continue the friendship with the OW.

It's not a friendship. It's an EA. His emotions will stay cut off from you as long as he's diverting emotional energy from the M to invest in the A.

You have to find your bottom line. I know you said you can't tell him it's you or the AP, but know this... If you don't find a way to do exactly that, your marriage will be slowly choked off by his emotional investment in the A.

My love says, "Fight, Fight Fight!!"

Then do that. Do it by setting CLEAR BOUNDARIES for what you will tolerate. You can't love him out of the A and back into the M. What you can do is be very clear about how you expect to be treated and that you expect him to honor his vows fully. Set consequences for him not honoring your boundaries and follow through.

Fight for yourself. If you do that, you have your best chance at saving the M.


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
GingerAle
Member
Member # 33822
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Like everyone else has said, NO WAY can they be friends if he wants to R with you. Ask him, "In what context could I possibly accept a friendship b/n you and the woman that helped destroy my sense of trust, security, and happiness?" And why would he want to be friends with someone like that?" He has seen the excruciating pain this has caused you, he should be willing to do anything he can to help you heal.

You sound very strong, and I know that is so hard when you're going through this. Listen to your gut. It's probably still an EA, at the least.

((((The Greatest Love))))

[This message edited by GingerAle at 7:09 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]


My WH (The KISA, NPD) 6 month EA in 2010
2 other EAs in 2012 & 2013
In-House Separation. Yuck.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Nov 2011
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

I don't know that I can say, NC or no me.

Yes. Yes you can. And you should say it tonight. You need to wage a shock and awe campaign. Tell him he will put your feelings before OW. Tell him there will be no contact with OW ever again or he will find his belongings on the front lawn. Then follow through with it.

Do NOT waste your life waiting for him to make a choice between the two of you, because he already has. He has chosen to keep OW in his life. He is just going to wear you down until you are ok with this.

YOU need to make a choice. You need to decide if you are ok with your WH having a girlfriend on the side. Obviously the answer to that is NO.

So then YOU need to demand he respect you. The things he is saying to you and asking of you does not show respect for you.

There can only be 2 people in your marriage.

Time to put on your bitch boots and stand up for yourself TheGreatestLove


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2012
TheGreatestLove
New Member
Member # 38856
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

I just lost the fight. Tonight, after reaching out for your advice and resources, before I could stand on my own two feet and say NC - he told me he is leaving.
I am devastated.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Mar 2013
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

I understand that YOU love him, that YOU feel the marriage is worth fighting for, that YOU are in it for him, but how does HE feel? It doesn't appear he feels the same way. Solely because of this:

Most recently, he has told me that she serves the need of "conversation", and that he feels he needs to continue.

He is not willing to give her up. Your relationship with him is not worth dissolving his relationship with her. That is basically what he is saying. If he felt as strongly as you do about your love then he would have dropped her ass like a hot potato.

So you can say all day long that he is worth it, you are in it for him, your love for him is strong, but if he doesn't feel the same way (as he is displaying through his actions and words) then where does that leave you? When do you draw the line? What do you do to really buckle down and fight tooth and nail for you marriage?

BTW, I am pretty sure from all that you said that if he does come around and cut off communication he would probably just be taking it underground. Just a warning. Don't let love blind you, keep your sensors up.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 7:41 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1102 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

i did not see your last post. I am so sorry. :(


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1102 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

no you didn't lose the fight. You lost a POS that cheats on his wife.

Hefty bag his crap and tell the OW to come get him.

you will get through this.

FWH did this to me twice. Best thing I ever did was to tell him to go be with his OW, I was done.

Get angry and put your bitch boots on. You can do this.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4457 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

(((TGL)))

It's not over. It may feel like that right now, but it's not.

When you feel ready, read through the threads below. There's a wealth of information to help you get through the next few weeks and beyond. Some of it will seem impossible to do, but you can do it. If I did (and I was a complete wreck), you can too.


Tactical Primer:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051


Boundaries and Consequences 101:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631


Setting Healthy Boundaries:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231851


Before You Say Reconcile:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548


Understanding the 180:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785


Great Posts for Newbies to Read:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
traditoperanni
Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Greatestlove,
No, you didn't lose the fight. Your WH didn't even give you a chance to fight.
Now, the fight begins.get an attorney and serve him papers as soon as possible. Pack up his shit in garbage bags and them out on the curb and text him to pick them up. NC him unless it is about the kids and even that should be short and sweet. Take half of money out of the bank and open your own account. Get a sitter and go out with your "real friends" and start living your own life.
Once your WH sees that you are very capable and not sitting at home crying your eyes out he may start to come out of the fog.
Do not engage with him at all.
Maybe at some point he may decide he wants to talk or come back. Don't let him until he agrees to go to MC. Meet him there and let him understand that only when you feel
safe and he has completely cut all ties with ow will you even consider R.
This may or may not happen. If it doesn't consider yourself lucky to be rid of him. Because this behavior of his will continue and it will be the ow's problem.
Stay strong. You can do it!


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 414 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

First, I'm terribly sorry for what you're going through. The betrayal, then the rejection by the man you love. So many of us have been there.

Hang in there. Just hang in there.

I would like to find this guy and beat him senseless. He not only betrayed you, but is betraying your babies as well. Such a wonderful time to be a couple, sharing the joys of parenthood, but his emotions are instead all over some lying, manipulative woman who wants to be your "friend." (Just to ease her own conscience, mind you... If you're her friend, what she did wasn't so bad after all in her idiotic mind.)

And his crap about loving you. People who love their spouse don't stab them in the back and then ask them to care for the knife.

This is *not* a man worthy of your love. Don't let yourself sink too deep into the hell from being rejected by him. He's a stupid mess and honestly has no idea what's truly good for him.

If he does come crawling back, I suggest thinking long and hard if you want to spend the rest of your life with him.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
GingerAle
Member
Member # 33822
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Traditoperanni just gave you excellent advice.

I have often read on this site about WS'es that leave so they can eat their cake, or are in the fog. But once they realize their BS is not waiting in the wings for them and are moving on with their life, many waywards suddenly want to R, and will do so on their Betrayed Spouse's terms.

It's all so exciting for the cheaters in the beginning because they are living in fantasyland. It's really sickening. But that does not last long, because it isn't real.

((((TGL)))) I am so sorry for your pain. It may not seem like it now, but you are going to get through this, for yourself and your sweet babies. You are strong!


ETA: Here is another great thread to read when you can. It helped me a ton, just when I needed it.


Emotional Detachment: What is it, and how is it accomplished?

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=459284

[This message edited by GingerAle at 10:10 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]


My WH (The KISA, NPD) 6 month EA in 2010
2 other EAs in 2012 & 2013
In-House Separation. Yuck.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Nov 2011
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, June 6th (Thursday)


I'm sorry you are going through this. It feels like the end of the world, I know. It isn't. It seems like you lost, I know. You didn't.

I promise that the blow to your self-esteem and the regret you have later for not just letting him go and going NC until he pulls his head out of his ass or you get over him will be far worse than just letting him go right now.

Look at the links others have provided. We've all been there. We all know, in hindsight, that letting them go and limiting contact is for the best. There is a saying that No Contact=No New Hurts. He will try to continue to get his emotional needs met by both of you even while he's gone. Don't be his emotional blanket and don't continue to do things for him that a wife would do. Let him see what it's really like without you and while he's figuring out exactly what kind of dog does this, you will be healing and getting stronger. If he comes crawling back, it will then be your decision whether or not you want to be with someone who could do this to you.

Get some Ensure or some sort of health shake in case you can't eat. Remember to drink water. You will get through this. It will be agony at first but minimal contact with him (only about kids and finances) will be vital to getting through your own withdrawal process and beginning to heal.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 9:36 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]


Me: BS
Him: FWS
3 kids

DD#1: 3/18/2003
DD#2: 9/28/2010 with a follow up on 1/28/2011 where he decided to come clean about the EA actually being a PA.

The OW could have been anybody and both turned out to be nobody special.


Posts: 3775 | Registered: Sep 2005
Hearthache again
Member
Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Sorry you are going through this. You did not lose this fight. You were blind sided and he did not fight fair.

Please read up in the healing library. You need to protect yourself emotionally because if this turns out like most A's he will try to come back. You need to be in a good emotional state to make a good decision if that happens.

This is your spouse dealing with his own demons. You can not fight them for him. So focus on you and your children now.


Me-BS(32)
Him-WS(35)
Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!


Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
Snowy
Member
Member # 14028
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

TGL

I cried when I read your last post.

Sorry you are going through this, it is a total sXXX.

One thing you must realise, you DIDN'T lose the fight. He is the one who lost.

Go talk to your councellor. Do not talk to him or her. Their relationship with you is toxic for you. The only way to can start to heal your self is to remove yourself from the healationship.

I know you are a woman of faith. Use that faith to get you through this situation


Posts: 149 | Registered: Mar 2007
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

No, no, and no. He must cut off all contact with the OP immediately, and if he is reluctant to do that, he is still in the fog, and still involved in the affair, at least emotionally. Your marriage will never heal with her in the picture. He must understand this, or you need to start a 180 and see an attorney. Sometimes you have to play hard ball to get a cheating spouse to let go of the fantasy. So, so, sorry you are dealing with this double betrayal. It is so painful. Hugs.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1182 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Stillhurting1977
Member
Member # 37247
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know the pain all too well. Please know you are doing the right thing by sticking up for yourself and your needs.
If you don't do that, you slowly lose your integrity and yourself. I spent lots of time giving my WH the benefit of the doubt and not demanding that my needs get met and justifying his inexcusable behaviour. It got me another d day and now we are seperated. Notice this is almost 2 full years after DDay number one.
You sound like a nice, giving person with a good heart. And you are a mother of two very small children. Having youngsters is stressful enough, and now dealing with this mess. I get it and it sucks big time!
Your emotions will change and you will be completely heartbroken. Just remember to know if your relationship can survive, you have to be willing to lose it. Just let go and breathe. You should not be the one doing the work here. Sure, he left now. But that doesn't mean he won't come crawling back as soon as he realizes what he lost. By tha time you can begin to heal together, or maybe you will decide to heal on your own.

Stay strong. Hugs.


D day Sept 2011
D Day # 2 March 15, 2013 (he never stopped the first affair, it went underground)
Me BW 36
Him WH 37
One little guy: 26 months
Status: Seperated, Divorcing

" Noone can make you feel inferior without your consent" Eleanor Ro


Posts: 159 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

I just lost the fight. Tonight, after reaching out for your advice and resources, before I could stand on my own two feet and say NC - he told me he is leaving.
I am devastated.

(((TheGreatestLove)))

You must hurt terribly right now. But you have to stay strong. There are several things you must do:

1. Tomorrow see a lawyer. File for divorce. You can always stop the divorce proceedings later if you wish.
2. Have the locks changed on the house ASAP
3. Enlist some help and bag up his belongings and put them on the side of the house for him to pick up.
3. NC = no new hurt. Crickets. DO NOT engage in a conversation with him. DO NOT think he can still have both worlds.
4. Out them. Their "love" exists only in a dark hole of deceit, like a cockroach. It is unlikely to survive long when exposed to truth and light.

At this point your WH should only get to come back if he has gone total NC with OW by his own doing and comes crawling back begging.

DO NOT PLEAD WITH HIM. That will only give him power. He who is most willing to walk away has the most power. Walk away now. He is expecting you to be back up plan B. When you show him you are not, he will panic.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2012
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, June 7th (Friday)

TheGreatestLove

Honey I was also married for about 6 years when I caught FWH in an EA (probably was a PA - who knows?). That was about 25 years ago, I guess. 1988 maybe???

He convinced me that they were "just friends", that I was making a mountain out of a molehill and should just "get over it". At the time we had a 2 yr old daughter.

Time went on. We had a son. The quality of the M deteriorated I tried to fix everything, be a good wife etc etc etc.

Fast forward to about 2004. He was a total arsehole. I had stayed "for the kids" and had been trying for years but gave up.

Started making exit plans (without his knowledge). The grand plan was to leave in 2008 when our son finished high school.

Unfortunately our 17 year old son was diagnosed with an incurable potentially fatal illness in 2007 so I put the exit plan on hold for his sake.

Fast forward to 2010. Dday. He had been screwing lots of other women for most of our M. Multiple consecutive and concurrent LTAs - no wonder he was an arsehole! he had to be to justify his dumbfuckery!

Sadly there are many stories like mine here on SI. Do not become one of them.

Now he is begging me to let him stay. I am the love of his life.

Big F...ing deal. What happened to MY life???

Time for an ultimatum.

"WH choose me or F... off!!!! I deserve a H who is 100% mine. Your whore may be prepared to share you with me but I won't share!!!"

That's basically what I told my FWH when he begged me to let him stay when I confronted him. As far as I know he has had no contact since.

Will I keep him?? After 3 years I am still not sure. I have invested many years in him, our family and our life and am still trying to decide what is best for me.

Excuse my bluntness but this prick should be kissing your feet and begging forgiveness. He should be a blubbering, sobbing mess.

You deserve better. Every woman does.

BIG HUGS

Laura


[This message edited by Laura28 at 6:45 AM, June 7th (Friday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, June 7th (Friday)

It took me many months to realize that what posters like Isadora are saying are true. When STBXH stomped out the last time, I was really convinced that I had lost the greatest love of my life. I thought I had failed him, instead of the other way around.

What it's taken a long time to learn, is that it's him that lost and him that made foolish choices and ruined his life. He's made his life far more complicated than fixing things with me and I think maybe at some point, your WH will have this go on, too.

Now STBX has cheated on OW and it was with me and he is trying to clean up messes with that person while fighting me on visitation and divorce. So you see, it will take a while to realize, but it wasn't you. It also sounds like you have a similar situation, where you haven't been given much or any information to work with, on your WH's part.

I'm really sorry for your hard time. I have children also and DD is getting caught up in his drama and I hope that won't happen for yours.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
keptmypromise
Member
Member # 36178
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, June 7th (Friday)

TGL...If you don't impose NO CONTACT...you are going to loose your "in the fog husband". He wants both of you. You need to make it a dealbreaker, and IMO, if you don't, your marraige is over...unless you decide an open marraige is the thing for you


Me - BH 54 years
Her - WS 46 years
DD - 6/13/11 (2 total that i know of)
DD - 14
DD - 11
In R...The long and Winding Road

Posts: 252 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Ohio
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, June 7th (Friday)

((TGL)) You have SUCH amazing advice here. Do the reading that was suggested even though I know your ability to concentrate is at nil.

PLEASE take care of you right now. Your H is going to come out of this fog and then you can decide if you want him back in your life.

You are smart. I can tell by reading your posts that you brave too. Take things one moment at a time.

HUGS TO YOU, girl.
LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 1803 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
putonahappyface
Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, June 7th (Friday)

TGL,

First of all, I'm so very sorry. Betrayal is traumatic, & will wreak havoc on your body & mind. Keep a close eye on yourself, & don't hesitate to talk to your Dr. if you need help with anxiety, trouble sleeping, etc. Your faith, water, small meals, family/safe friends & loving on those sweet baby girls - these things will get you through this.

Read Josephine's post above - she's given you great advice. I know it's hard to think of this right now, but seeing an attorney ASAP needs to be at the top of your list. I'm assuming you all are young, so as sickening as it is, you need to consider that he could get her pregnant. Your attorney will see that YOUR children will be first in line to receive any child support from your WH. He is a broken man-child right now. You cannot trust him to make any correct decisions re: money, his own children, anything! Let your anger rise up & get you through these important steps, then surround yourself with loving, safe people so you can grieve for a while.

We will support you every step of this painful journey. Sending you hugs & prayers for strength & comfort.

[This message edited by putonahappyface at 8:38 AM, June 7th (Friday)]


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, June 7th (Friday)

Sweetheart, you cannot have lost a fight that you didn''t even know you were in. You didn''t lose this fight. He walked away from you. In defiance of God, decency, and all morality, he broke his vows to you and your children, and then stomped them into pieces. This was not your fault. Nothing you did or did not do, caused him to cheat on you. This was a decision that he and the OW made, all on their own. You had no part in it.

Now is the time to circle up the wagons and take care of your beautiful children. It''s hard, we all know, but right now, your only obligation is to yourself and your children. You have to take care of yourself so that you can take care of them.

First off, you must see a lawyer. Your WH has left you and your children. He is not thinking of you, of them, or of "family." He is thinking only of the OW and the Amazing Unicorn Fart World That No One Else Has Ever Had In Their Life. And to that end, he will spend money that is needed to support you and the children, he will buy her stuff, he will take her on trips, out to dinner, liquidate your assets, and decide that YOU need nothing because, after all, he is in LUUUURVE! So you must go see a lawyer and find out what your rights are, petition for sole use of your house, and serve him papers so that the finances that you will need to take care of your children are frozen and he cannot blithely throw them away.

You need to open a new bank account with your name only on it. You need to transfer 1/2 of the money out of your joint account (or more if you find that he is spending money on OW) so that you have cash on hand. And your lawyer needs to get temporary CS and SS set up so that you are covered. If you have joint credit cards, you need to cancel them, even if it means that he finds himself stranded. This is taking care of your family. He can open his own cards. You do not want to find that he has wracked up 20, 30, 50 thousand bucks on those cards that you are jointly responsible for. It has happened cancel the cards.

And change the locks. He should not be coming back to the house without your permission because he''s a liar and he will strip the house of everything that you need to live. It''s happened. If you have an automatic garage door opener, unplug it or put it on lock. If your lawyer tells you not to do this, well then, "lose" your keys and re-key out of fear that a stranger will come in while you''re there all alone with your babies.

I am so very, very sorry. Truth is, you cannot nice anyone back to you when they are firmly focused on their fantasy life. You have to get up on your back legs, firmly go forward as if you will be walking a path alone, and take care of yourself and your children first. The man that you loved is essentially dead right now. There is an alien wearing his skin walking around it looks like your husband, but it isn''t. You have to protect your family from that alien. (((hugs))) Please come back for support often. We all care about you.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4120 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

How are you today GreatestLove?


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2012
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

TGL - Please come back. This is not over. We can help you through this.


BH(me)-47, FWW-41,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Dies irae. Dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
TheGreatestLove
New Member
Member # 38856
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

And here we are - it seems we are back on the road to reconciliation. Thursday night was a terrible blip in our healing, fueled by alcohol and the OW manipulation.
Thank God for good friends with wise counsel.
This whole situation has been a roller coaster. My ups are brief, and my downs are scary and fast.
I am looking into some guidance on drafting up a NC letter. We have no idea where to start writing one of those things. He now seems to understand the need and how deeply his contact with OW affects me. He is also seeing her manipulation, which for me, is awesome. It just further proves everything I have told him.

NC advice??


Posts: 9 | Registered: Mar 2013
NoraLee
Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

It needs to be short and to the point. It needs to be blunt with ZERO efforts to cushion the blow. He should write the draft and you get to approve it before its sent. My H's NC text read...

"We are done...this relationship is over. I love my wife and you are not worth losing her. Do not contact me again in any form."

There was some reply about me making him say it and requiring a password (adolescent losers!) I hadn't found SI so I allowed him to give her the password and tell her they were his words and reaffirm she was never to contact him again.

Of course she made several attempts to contact him. He showed me every one (as should your H) and ignored every one. His phone going off became a trigger for me so H volunteered to change his number...which I appreciated.

Point is, this is not a goodbye or dear John letter, it's a "F@*! off whore!" letter and it needs to read as one. If anything in it gives her a sliver of hope or leaves a door open for her to slither through, then NC will be that much harder.


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I'll add to that...

No well wishes for her, no soft or cushy language. It should sound like he is ending a business relationship.

If the letter is to be mailed, you should be the one to do it. I dropped FWH's letter off at the post office so that he couldn't take it out of the mail box after I left for work. It helped me know for certain that the NC letter was sent.

Also, he should block her number, email, Facebook, etc. in front of you and hand over any passwords so that you can check that NC is maintained. If he's sincere about R, he'll be happy to do this in order to prove his commitment.


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I am going to share the letter my FWH wrote, TGL. It isn't the typical NC letter that most here at SI recommend. However, I really liked it and we feel it did the trick as we had a junior bunny boiler on our hands, so here goes.

Ms. Other Woman

I love my wife. Milkshake is the most amazing, wonderful, caring loving and forgiving woman I know.

I have re-dedicated myself to Milkshake and our marriage. I am so grateful Milkshake is giving me the chance to prove to and show her how much I love her. I will be doing that until the day I die.

I am horrified, disgusted and ashamed by what I did. Even more so that I did it with you.

I regret the day I met you and every minute I spent with you or even talked to you.

I hate you and will never forgive you for the role you played in causing my wife pain. She was innocent and didn't deserve the pain our selfish behaviour caused her.

Milkshake is my past, present and future. You are the past and simply irrelevant.

Do not contact Milkshake or me again in any way, shape or form. We have made a report to the police and our lawyer is prepared to take legal action if needed.

Again, I hate you and never want to see or hear from you again!

Mister Sister

Feel free to use any or none of this letter. It makes me smile when I read this letter and I enjoy sharing it.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8975 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
HeartInADustpan
Member
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

slight t/j

Love it, SisterMilkshake!! I wish my WH would have sent a NC like that. Instead, it was a glorified Dear John letter full of I want to be friends and I'll miss you and other WH fog bs.

I regret to this day I hadn't found SI before he wrote it so it would have been more like yours. It's amazing how much that subject still really bothers me and strikes a sore nerve.

end t/j

[This message edited by HeartInADustpan at 12:18 AM, June 9th (Sunday)]


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 375 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

A good NC letter ends contact, doesn't create drama and won't right the wrongs of the A. In addition to writing and sending the NC letter your WH has to go NC, and keep NC both physically and mentally.

also just because he seems understand why NC is necessay, doesn't mean much when he goes through withdrawal from his AP. None of this you can control. You can't love him through this process, you can't counsel him through this.

You can outline your boundaries and expectations and the consequences for not abiding by them. (decide what you are really willing to enforce - even if it is just a statement saying you will re-evaluate your desire to remain if he breaks NC)

FWH wanted to leave after an alcohol fueled night. Decided to stay the next morning after we talked and I involved his mother. He understood why he needed to go NC. But he didn't last more than a few days at a time. By not enforcing any consequences and trying to fix myself and our M, he half assed until we had another dday 6 weeks later. By then I was pissed told him to go be with OW. Made plans to take kids for a mini vacay without him so I could think. It jolted him back to reality enough that he ended the A (but then a few weeks later restarted and took underground). He finally sent the NC letter 6 weeks later and honked the OW off so much when she realized he was using her. OW was the one to actually enforce NC when he went fishing for a response from her.

The withdrawal was ugly but came out the other side before my give a shit wore out. He started working on himself and that is the only reason we are still together.

hang in there. Watch his actions you can't trust his words.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4457 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

I might go a bit shorter on the NC letter.

OW,

What we did was a wrong. I love my wife and want to be with her forever. I am grateful she is giving me a second chance. Please never contact either of us in any way. Ever.

Mr. GreatestLove


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (18), 1 stepdaughter (26)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1378 | Registered: Nov 2010
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

Stupid whore,

Do not ever contact me or my wife again. I am committed to healing the damage I have done to my wife,my marriage,and myself. You were,and are,nothing to me. If you attempt contact again,in any way,I will seek legal counsel.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6648 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

He now seems to understand the need and how deeply his contact with OW affects me. He is also seeing her manipulation, which for me, is awesome. It just further proves everything I have told him.

Gently, he has always understood this TheGreatestLove. Do not cut him any slack on that. He understood, he just chose to do it anyway. It was not alcohol. It was not the OW. It was your WH doing what he wanted to do.

You are not in R yet. You are still in limbo. R takes two people putting everything they have in. Your WH isn't there yet. So don't let up.

Do not take pity on him, do not feel sorry for him. I fear you are in danger of letting the roles get reversed here.

Demand respect from him. If he respects you he will have complete NC with OW. If he respects you he will not get mad and stomp out. If he respects you he will see the great pain you are in and do whatever it takes to heal you.

All energy and effort needs to be focused on healing your pain. Do not let his "pain" at forfeiting his OW take priority.

In addition to a NC letter, your WH must give you complete access to all his email acounts. OW should be blocked from his phone or better yet, his number changed.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2012
TheGreatestLove
New Member
Member # 38856
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, June 10th (Monday)

My heart hurts so deeply I can barely breathe. I don't understand what my life has become.
Last Thursday, he said he was leaving. He drank so much that he was senseless. My friends and I found him downtown. I made up the guest bed, got him a puke can, provided a glass of ice water a granola bar and ibuprofen. All I know how to do for this man is show him love.
We then spent the weekend together. He admitted that he wasn't himself. He was at a breaking point and drunk when he said he was leaving. I don't feel secure in that he is staying, but he is still here. That means something, at least to me.
We hiked together, ate, talked, slept. We enjoyed our time together. Our life is so filled with drama, and yet we love spending our time together.
Days like these make me feel like we have hope for reconciliation.

Even if you think I'm crazy, you have to know how I feel. I can't be the only person in the world to love this much. I have been described by a friend as the "Rocky of Love." I get punched, and I get back up.
I want to love him so fiercely that it cannot be ignored. If it were me, I would not want to be given up on. I believe in treating the other as I wish to be treated. That is what I am doing.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Mar 2013
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, June 10th (Monday)

I understand what you are feeling, but you can't love him back.

one of the things I realized about myself is that I am codependant. I was always the soft place to land. There were days I would treat him more like a child than my partner. One of the hardest things I had to do was just let him fall.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4457 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, June 10th (Monday)

You can't "nice" him out of the affair. If he is still involved with the OW,all you are doing is allowing him to use you.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6648 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, June 10th (Monday)

TheGreatestLove your WH is not the victim here. You are.

What is your WH doing for you? Has he sent a NC letter? Has he given you all his passwords? Has he shown you all his emails? Facebook? Skype? Do you have full access to his phone?

If you don't have all of these, then you have to realize he is STILL in a relationship with another woman. You being the Rocky of Love is simply allowing him to keep BOTH of you.

Gently, but here is a 2x4. Actually, you aren't being Rocky. You are waiting for the OW to stand up for herself and say enough so that your WH has no choice but to fall back on you as his back up plan.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2012
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, June 10th (Monday)

(((TGL)))

It sucks to be in your situation. I too was where you are. You need to be very clear with him. What your conditions for R. Waht you DEMAND, and yes it is OK for you to DEMAND. You are vested in this relationship, and can see what you need to make it work.

Sounds as though he is still foggy though, and this can lead to more heartache for you. Be clear what the consequences of breaking NC are, and plan on sticking to them. Make him write the NC letter. It should be short, and to the point.

Dear X
Do not call, write, or contact me EVER again, in any form.
You must know that I am commited to my marriage, and my wife, and you have no part in that. If you do contact us again, TGL will know moments after I do, and you will be ignored.

Get yourself to a Lawyer, find out what your rights are. Knowledge is power, Power is strength. This will give you an idea that even if he does leave you will be just fine. This helps you to stick to your rules of R.

He is to be completely transparent with you. Access to all electronics ( I would also put a keylogger on his computer, and tablet, and phone if possible ) . Broken NC is common, and unfortunately puts you back at the beginning of R if he hides it. You have to know when it happens.

Lastly focus on you, and your little ones. Eat, Drink (water), sleep. If you are not able to do these things see your Dr ASAP. Medications for anxiety can help, and make it easier for you to deal with this.

Read all thos links that were posted this too will give you strength. Reach out to someone IRL so that you can have some support.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 6601 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
traditoperanni
Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, June 10th (Monday)

TGL,
There is an expression "tough love"
and that is what you need to be doing. You can still love him, however, you have every right to all your demands no matter how difficult it maybe for him. Remember, there are consequences for his behavior.
You are getting excellent advice here.
We have all been through this in some form or another. Be on the alert. I hate to be cynical but I do not think the A is over.
I know you want badly to R and feel by showing him compassion, love and understanding that he will stay away from ow. Odds are he won't. After Dday #1 my fwh begged to come back so we went to MC and he swore all was over (he's an SA) .
We had been going to MC for about 18 mos when I found out (on my own) that nothing had changed - he just went deeper underground.I told him to leave and I wanted to S.
It's been a year since then and we
are again in MC and he is in an SA program.
Please keep your guard up and make sure your demands are met.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 414 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
TheGreatestLove
New Member
Member # 38856
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, June 10th (Monday)

Such a roller coaster. I just wish the train would stop doing the stomach dropping loops.
Today I talked with our MC; I had a personal visit, and then we had an additional visit with my WS. My husband is so lost, in such a fog. He has no idea what he believes or where he wants to be. He is searching for happiness as an external factor. I believe that happiness is something you develop within yourself and allow it to permeate the rest of your life.
He has a romanticized fantasy of what love and marriage are. He thinks it is all fireworks and rainbows. Love is so much more than that. My love for him is deep, all encompassing. It is not easily swayed. It is not easily distracted. Infatuation can be distracted, swayed, and fizzle.
I want so much more for my life than the intense, infatuation/obsession phase of a relationship. If I had only been in that phase for him when this occurred, I would've hit the hills long ago.

I appreciate everyone's advice about finding a lawyer, etc. I am not ready for that. When I feel that I reach that point, I will jump right on it. Consistent love, patient love, love that is not selfish- that is what this man responds to. He had a horrible childhood, and running out on him during his darkest hour would do more damage than just ending our marriage. I value him too much to inflict such trauma. I understand that you might think I am naive, that I am not. My friends and counselor have all said that I have handled this situation better than anyone ever would've expected someone to. I must act intentionally. I must respond, rather than react. By giving thoughtful response, I am sure to display what I want, rather than show a brash and impulsive answer.
I also want to be intentional in my actions for my children's sake. When they are old enough, regardless of the relationship's outcome, I want to be able to look them in the eyes and tell them I did everything I possibly could. That I loved their Dad unconditionally. That I made conscious decisions about how my actions may affect them.
My WS is a loving father. Running away now would only complicate his relationship with our girls. Especially at their age, they would feel abandoned. I cannot do that to them. I don't want to leave. I don't want to throw his things on the lawn. I don't want to respond in such an immature way. I want to love the way I wish to be loved in return. Maybe no one will understand me. At this point, it doesn't matter. I am following my convictions. I am doing what my deepest inner core tells me to do. If I did whatever my head told me to do, I would've caused so much irreversible harm by now. That is not how I want to live my life.
I also want my actions, if we do reconcile and have a lifelong time together, to be actions I can be proud of later on down the road. I don't want to be asked, "Why were you so hateful with XYZ?" "Why did you say XYZ in such anger?"

Can anyone relate?!


Posts: 9 | Registered: Mar 2013
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, June 10th (Monday)

With all that being said what has he done to remove OW from his life and work on your relationship? You have made it clear what you are doing... what is he doing?

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 8:05 PM, June 10th (Monday)]


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1102 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
TheGreatestLove
New Member
Member # 38856
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, June 10th (Monday)

We are somewhat in a holding pattern on that. We are also on a holding pattern in our relationship. He didn't leave, but he isn't all in. He isn't responding to her messages, but he is reading them. I am also reading them. He has her blocked on just about every device/app, but one.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Mar 2013
NoraLee
Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, June 10th (Monday)

The question you might ask yourself...do you think he's better off with OW? And if you answer no (obviously) then do you love him enough to help him make the best decision for him? He is sick. Broken. Can you trust him to make good decisions for himself?

You will do what you feel you must, and we will be here for you no matter what course of action you take. But I haven't seen any BS nice their WS's back to fidelity. I tried, and it only wrote him free pass to keep the loving wife at home, and the glittery fantasy on the side. Win/win for him.

After dday2, a month later, I accepted that I couldn't control him - I could only control me. And I asked for a divorce. I was calm. I was loving. I surrendered. "if you need her this badly, then I concede" - he realized that life with only the glittery fantasy would be lonely and unfulfilling...and came out of his fog. He told me later on our path to healing, that he would have hung onto to her for as long as he could....if I hadn't taken a stand - he would have continued the A.

You are a very loving woman. That is obvious. But do you love him enough to save him from himself?


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
k8la
Member
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, June 10th (Monday)

TGL

Unfortunately you are fighting TWO other women.

There's the human woman. Then there's the bottle.

You have the require sobriety from both addictions, or you will visit this hurt again and again, until your greatest love is shredded, your youth gone, your children fully developed coping patterns that will define and possibly destroy their lives.

For everything you call meaningful, including your husband's soul, you must stand firm and turn him over to God - and walk away from taking platitudes and excuses instead of action.

Otherwise, the fight of your life has no bell to order parties to their corners. It's three against one. Him, the OW and the bottle against you - let down your guard and find yourself suckerpunched again, like last week. Never forget that pain and demand from yourself that you will not feel it again.

I gave my husband 30 minutes to give me a plan for sobriety from porn and OW and all forms of secret second life, AND ADDICTION TO UNDEREMPLOYMENT or he could be gone by the time I got home that night. And he finally figured out that half-assed measures don't count with me.

You can't carry him. Find an Al-Anon meeting for yourself, either online or live and learn how your soft landing for him with ibuprofen and granola bars really undermined his respect for you and what it really means to stand up for your love by requiring different behaviors and NOT being that soft landing for him anymore.

Get out of his Higher Power's way and let the man find his bottom so that he will find a need to be sober. You must no longer save him from that crash.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Feb 2013
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, June 10th (Monday)

Have you considered where you would draw the line? Have you defined how much disrespect you are willing to tolerate?

I know that sounds accusatory, perhaps because I see myself in you. During my marriage, I treated a morsel like it was a feast, and was proud of myself for being so big-hearted.

Well, it didn't work. In the end, I found out that she was living a double life for years and years. That so much of my marriage was a lie, that she had treated me like something cheap.

But in retrospect, was her cheating really such a surprise? The relationship was out of balance right from the start. Like a mobile that wasn't centered right. There was no fixing it. Sending more unconditional "love" her way would have just fed the imbalance.

In the end, I saw the relationship as just as unhealthy as any toxic addiction.

You're not me, obviously, and your relationship is entirely distinct from mine. But the unconditional love you still have for him seems out of balance to me, at least the way you've described it here.

Not saying there's no hope. But sooo much needs to change, in a very fundamental way. Not just the fact that he cheated. But the fact that he *could* cheat needs to be understood and addressed. Not easy.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, June 10th (Monday)

We are somewhat in a holding pattern on that. We are also on a holding pattern in our relationship. He didn't leave, but he isn't all in. He isn't responding to her messages, but he is reading them. I am also reading them. He has her blocked on just about every device/app, but one.

In other words, he is still having an affair with OW with your permission.


TGL wake up. HE is not the victim. HE does not deserve pity. Not yours. Not anyone else's.

Do you want your daughter growing up thinking it's okay if her husband keeps a girlfriend on the side?

Listen to the people here at SI. You can not "love" him back in to the marriage. Your best hope is to give him 1 hour to decide to go completely NC and chose you or throw him out. Shock him out of his fantasy land.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2012
BeStrong4U
New Member
Member # 39520
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I have just been through similar grief - found out 3 months ago.

To give your relationship the chance to heal there must be no contact.

If H is committed to working things out with you, there must be no contact with OW at all from now on.

My husband is even banned from the sports centre where we know OW goes with her kids. NO CONTACT FULL STOP.

It's like an addiction. My H needed no contact to ween himself off OW. It's taken a good few months, but now he can see clearly what she was trying to do. Our OW was a stalker and predator too. Our counsellor says a 'sociopath'.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Jun 2013
BrighterFuture
Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Goodluck to you! There's nothing worse than waiting to be chosen by a man you're already married to.


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 260 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
lovedmesomehim
Member
Member # 25743
Default  Posted: 4:52 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Please. Please know that the folks here have been through so much of what you are now experiencing.

We know that all of this is so hard to hear from us. We know that you are fighting to keep your family together. You have BABIES for goodness sakes! We know that this is so hard for you.

You must get to your quiet place in your house and in your head. If you must will your stomach and heart to stop heaving, then do so...but you have GOT to think right now! Don't just think about your desire to keep your husband under your roof today, but think about your tomorrow...your future.

These posters are trying to save you a lifetime of tears, half-truths and a trail of OW. I have been right where you are. I thought he would see and feel my love for him and for our children and stop his nonsense. I thought he would never throw away a decades-long marriage.

It didn't happen. Many waywards go a little crazy during their fog and will do and say anything to keep their OW/OM.

I watched him write the NC letter. We mailed it. He changed his number. He gave me his passwords. And then?

He took the affair underground.

It stopped when I became a sleuth and discovered his lies and then it all blew up in his face.

When I cared more about myself and the quality of my own martyred life, than I did about "saving him" things changed abruptly.

Please think this through and listen to us. We all know you are hurt and frightened, but you can do this.

Read the recommended posts that have been provided for you.

Please. Don't let him wallow in the memory of his horrible childhood and ruin the childhood of his own children with this affair.

Be willing to go full throttle and stand up for yourself and your children.

You will not be able to love him into doing the right thing. If you don't do this right, the possibility is too great for this to happen again.

Standing up for yourself is not unloving.

((TGL))


Posts: 444 | Registered: Oct 2009
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Your WH is broken. He has a big sucking void in him. As long as you offer him unconditional love, he will continue to feed. You cannot love him enough to fix him. Believe me I have BTDT. Even before I learned of the cheating I felt I couldn't abandon him because of his FOO issues. You can read my profile for the blow by blow of what I endured before and after DDay.

There is nothing worse than waiting to be chosen by your spouse. It's hell.

there is a saying around here "It stops when you say it does". My M survived not because of the love I showed to FWH, it survived because of the love I showed to myself by demanding respect from my FWH. I told him to go be with his OW. I detached. I focused on me. I let FWH bottom out. And he hit hard. I told him he was a big boy and he could live as he chose, but I was not going to hang around and watch him destroy his life. I was going to protect the kids from his destructive choicrs and give them a safe place to grow up .
he started doing the work.

Even recently when he backslid to older unhealthier coping mechanisms I reminded him that he needs to be healrhy for himself and the kids, not me because I don't have to stay. I donr offer unconditional love to him. I'm not his mommy. I'm his wife.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4457 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

(((TGL)))

Keeping reading on here. Stay strong..

Did he write a NC Letter yet???


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3140 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

TGL - Ok so you have made the choice to give R a go, and really try. For this to be successful you need for him to buy in as well. So I think you need to seriously sit down, and ask and answer these questions, this will help give you clarity on the situation.

How are you going to do that?

How long will you allow him to be indecisive?

What are your plans should he leave? (this is why it's important to see an attorney, not that you are D'ing, but to cover the just in case. Not seeing an attorney early on because you have no intention of D'in is just like not getting your mammogram because you have no intention of developing breast cancer, it just doesn't work, or make much sense. You need to protect yourself and your girls).

Have you been STD tested? If not, and are planning on making this work, you need to. Many STD's are silent until they do nasty things like cause mouth or cervical cancer.

Is it OK for me allow myself to be treated with disrespect because I am honoring my vows? What will this teach my daughters if this continues for months, years, decades?

I really don't mean to be harsh in any way. These are the questions I pondered before Dday, when I knew something was up, but had no proof.

We did R. And sister, it's great now, but it took a LOT of HARD work on BOTH our parts. When it was just me trying, it didn't work. But when he really really got it....Thats when we really began R.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 6601 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

TGL, I will tell you about a relative of mine. This relative was the BS many years ago, his wife slept with another relative (of the BH's) for several months. They got back together, rug swept the whole thing, but the BH demanded NC with the AP and for many years things seemed to work out for them.

Fast forward to about 8 years later, the BH decided to forgive the relative and welcome him back into their lives. BH even allowed the WW and AP to have communication. Within less than 6 months, the WW and AP were sleeping together again. The WW moved out of the marital home at this point and continued to string the BH along while she was sleeping with the AP, AND another AP at the same time. The only one NOT getting sex was the BH .

The BH decided to take exactly your approach. He loved her, he wanted to "love her back", he didn't talk about the infidelity, he didn't talk about her not living at home, he took her out on dates, he did all that stuff. He told his small children that Mommy was stressed and needed a break, etc. etc. A few months later, she moved back home, and into the basement. She continues to have her AP's, she continues to have nothing to do with the BH other than to use him for the free rent and utilities he is providing, all while sleeping with her boyfriends whenever she wants.

This has been going on for almost 2 years now. The BH is too afraid to stand up for himself and hopes that his WW will wake up one day suddenly and feel like the BH is the greatest man alive because he stayed with her when others would have run. Unfortunately, that's not happening, and it's ROYALLY screwing up their kids in the mean time! Their 15 year old DD is on the prowl for a husband to get her out of that house, and that's just the beginning.

So make no mistake about your kids NOT getting messed up by what they are witness to right now. And also make no mistake that NO ONE can "love someone back" into a marriage. All you are doing is making it easy for him to waffle back and forth and he knows he'll always be able to land back at home when he's done with the OW for the day. This is not a time to be sweet and sugary, this is the time to really fight for what you want, and you're not fighting at all, you're laying down and letting him walk on you. Ever heard of tough love? It's time for that.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
TheGreatestLove
New Member
Member # 38856
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

k8la - Just so you know, alcohol is not a normal part of his life. It was a very poor decision on one night. He doesn't drink often, and never to such excess. He is not a danger to me or my children. Let's not count this guy out on that too, please!

Posts: 9 | Registered: Mar 2013
traditoperanni
Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I am so confused by your posts.
In your first post you said you were "fighting for your life" How are you fighting right now? You asked how to move forward and you also said even your counselor advises NC.
Unless, I'm missing something all I read from this is that you are stroking his back saying "there there". You keep making excuses for him.
Seriously, I understand - it is very hard to imagine the love of your life doing this to you.
I get that. I think what we all are concerned about is that he is using your generosity to do what he wants. He may not even be aware he's doing it. That's how the mind of a WS
works. It's all about them. I don't see you fighting for your life, I see you giving in to his.
You matter, you need to be respected, you need to feel safe, you need total loyalty, you need kindness.
Okay, maybe it's too early in your R to make any permanent decisions, maybe you want to see
what he does but please don't let this go on too long. At some point someone, hopefully you,
needs to decide what is acceptable in your M.
Someone once told me when dealing with an addict (and that's what they are) - You can't stop
their insanity until you stop yours. So true.
Take care.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 414 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
k8la
Member
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I'm guessing that you felt my mention of the danger to your children being physical? Not at all and my reference to the fight of your life also being physical?

The anguish you feel has washed into the physical but it doesn't have to include bruises to be a danger to you or your children.

I have quite a bit of experience with the "occasional drinker" who said ugly things under the influence to his wife, in front of his children. And out of earshot - sort of - volume carries through walls, you know? And it has a residual effect on the home, even if the children weren't there when ugly things were said.

You have the require sobriety from both addictions, or you will visit this hurt again and again, until your greatest love is shredded, your youth gone, your children fully developed coping patterns that will define and possibly destroy their lives.

You can't carry him. Find an Al-Anon meeting for yourself, either online or live and learn how your soft landing for him with ibuprofen and granola bars really undermined his respect for you and what it really means to stand up for your love by requiring different behaviors and NOT being that soft landing for him anymore.

Get out of his Higher Power's way and let the man find his bottom so that he will find a need to be sober. You must no longer save him from that crash.

Alcohol influenced him. He drank so much for why?

Please don't be so quick to turn away a method of support that trains you to NOT TAKE CARE OF HIM when he's behaving badly.

You taught him it's okay to abuse you verbally. To emotionally wreck your life.

Sorry to be blunt. It's very real. Being his ever-loving doormat will not win him back. It will not win the fight.

The other woman will take him and leave you with pain. And he will willingly go because he has nothing to lose that he can't come back and take again, just simply by saying, he's sorry - but never promising it won't happen again.

Is this the man you would want for your daughters? Is this how you would want THEM treated? Is this how you want your sons to treat their wives?

Do the tough things now, before the pain comes into their lives too.

P.S. study up on adult child of alcoholics coping strategies. You'll find significant trauma in their relationships. Do what you can to learn and prevent NOW.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Feb 2013
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

You must feel ganged up on, during a terribly trying time. This comes from a place of good intent, but of course you must go at your own pace.

We've all gone through some variation of what you're going through now, so it's easy for us to look back with hindsight and tell you how things should go. It's also too easy for us to project our own situations onto yours.

What's concerning is a pattern that happens all too often with infidelity: the betrayed was taken advantage of, and then continues to allow himself or herself to be treated badly.

You are not being unkind by standing up for what you deserve in the relationship, which is his devotion and respect. Please don't give him affection while he maintains contact with the OW. By doing so, the underlying message you send is that you're OK with it.

If, in the aftermath of the terribly cruel thing that he did, he does not turn fully towards you *very* soon, proclaim his desire to be with only you, and express deep remorse at the pain he caused, then the kindest thing you can do for yourself, for your children, and even for him, is to end things.

Maybe he will then decide he wants to be with you and only you after all. Maybe not. But it's out of your control.

Of course you must do what you must do. There's a progression that you know you must follow. We're just encouraging you to take a long view of things.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
NoraLee
Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Onceinalifetime...well said. I always worry about new members and how they perceive advice.

Remember TGL - this is a support group and we DO support you no matter what path you feel is right. Advice is just that....advice. Take what you need and leave the rest. Don't be scared off! Just mull over what's been said and above all else...take care of you. You have to take care of your mental, emotional and physical health so you can continue to take care of your children while enduring this turmoil.

Keep us updated, or start a new thread. Or even just read and glean from our experiences what you need to get through this. Have you read the healing library? Great resources in there.

(((TGL)))


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

I just want to add: it took me an incredibly long time to assimilate what I was told here, what I learned in IC, and the events in my life. People offered advice for which I was not ready for an unusually long time. My advice is to tuck it away.

If you feel that we're quick to judge, know that we're not. We have the benefit of long experience, but we KNOW that everyone takes things at his/her own pace. We also know that each of us is extrapolating from our own experiences, which may or may not be relevant to yours. There are certain commonalities, and there are things that are unique to each situation. You will be surprised to discover, over time, how few of the things you now think are unique actually are. I think you'll probably be surprised at how on-target the early advice was--even if you aren't in a place, right now, to implement it. (I know I wasn't. I needed to gather some emotional tools before I could.)

The advice is overwhelming at first. It comes from people who know that you can't implement it all quickly. Take what you need, and leave the rest. Maybe you'll need the rest later, and maybe you won't.


BS-me, 52
WH(Mr. Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS17
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 7967 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 75