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Just Found Out
User Topic: don't know what to do
Without12
New Member
Member # 39427
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, June 6th (Thursday)


its been not quite 10 months since I found out about my ws's 2-yr ea. I'm still trying to weed through the his lies. He told so many right off the bat and then two weeks later I found he was still keeping contact with her. He did not offer the info on his own free will. I found the password to his cell phone bill and an email from her that was a reply to an email sent from him asking her to call him. I confronted him with that. He said he did that to breakup with her. It's eating me away, trying to search his emails, cell phone use, many times a day, trying to find if ws is still in contact with op. End of April, I created a new email account and started emailing her posing as him. Trying to worm info out of her reguarding their relationship. This went well enough, I was getting responses from her. She had no idea why WS stopped contact after September. He never 'broke up' as he told me. She didn't know we have kids. That really disturbs me. You see, WS claims he never saw her in person but he did go on a few unexplained, undocumented 'business' trips that I suspect were trips to see her. When I asked him about these trips he got very very excited and defensive. I don't believe that he never saw her. I emailed her posing as him and asked when we saw each other last. Then the responses stopped completely. I wonder if she called him at work and told him about the emails. I feel so sick and I don't know what to do. He can't tell the truth. I thought if I could try to bluff him. I told him I talked to her and she said they did meet. He still denies. He siad he didn't tell me about his email and phone call to her in Sept because he din't want to make me uncomfortable. He said he was breaking up. But I have proof that he didn't breakup and now he admits he didn't breakup.
Ugh! You know what I'm going through. Your right there too. I'm on a rollercoaster, should I stay or should I go? Most moments I feel I should go. Some moments I can't imagine being without him, I love him so.
I think if I can get the whole truth out of him, the whole story, no lies, then I can forgive. But he's still in denial himself. He says he just wants to put it past us which would be convenient for him, of course. I can't put it past me until I feel safe again. And I can't feel safe until he can talk freely to me about all of it. If he's not talking freely, if I have to worm everything out of him, then I don't have him completely and this m will fail again.
You know what I mean? How long will this hurt last? When will a WS finally repent? Is ten months too soon to expect this?


BS(me)38
WH 45
3 kids 8, 6, 1
M: Feb 2002
D-Day: 8/31/12

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2013
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Of course he keeps you in the dark for selfish reasons. He wants to take the power of an informed decision away from you. You're in this relationship as well, and have a right to make a decision whether to stay or go based on the entire truth around his philandering ways.

My hunch is you've only discovered the tip of the iceberg. If you need more information, tell him that you want to see his entire cell phone history, straight from the carrier. That's something you can access online. With that, you can see whom he called and when.

If he balks at that and calls it an invasion of his right to privacy, you have your answer.

Always amazes me how the WS gets so infuriated if you don't respect their privacy. Like they deserve their privacy to be respected

Anyway, so sorry you're here. Read the healing library (upper left of the screen).

So you know where I'm coming from, I divorced my ex-wife 3 years ago after discovering multiple affairs. Of course she never admitted a thing unless faced with irrefutable proof.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 4:24 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Ladyogilvy
Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

It's so sad that they can not understand that they are making it more painful for us and themselves in the long run. Prolonging the time it takes to heal the damage they have caused with more lies and secrets.

My WH could write the book on how to do the most damage to your family after the affair is over. 2 years later he says he's already told me the truth and even if he hadn't I would believe anything he told me now. The second part is true. Without proof, he hasn't admitted to anything and without proof I don't believe anything he says. I warned him that would be the case when I first discovered his lies and secrets. He chose to continue to sabotage his chances at R with me.

I may be able to accept that he will never tell me the truth about the past but only if he can accept that I will always know there is far more to the story than he's told me and he will have to work very hard to earn my trust and everything that comes with it in the future. I have pieced together a timeline based on the information I have. WH is trying to be a better husband now. He is trying to sooth me.

What is your WH doing to try to assure you he is completely loyal to you now?


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

((Without12)) so sorry you are here and so in need of something so BASIC and what we all deserve in our relationships - the truth - even when it hurts.

We learn about the importance of truth telling at an early age and then goodness know what happens to some of us.

Please do some reading as OnceLifetime suggested. There are some excellent articles in the Healing Library that will help you and him along the way. After the Affair is also a great book for BOTH parties.

It bothers me to no end that you are still trying to get at the truth 10m in! That said, I would then demand a timeline. Give him 48 hours to produce that or else he is out of there. I know that is scary but your H needs to know you are dead straight at this point.

Once you get the timeline, then you start asking questions. You ask until you have nothing left.

How long does the hurt last? It hurts a lot and for a long time. I am only at 6months and I hurt everyday. And I would imagine it hurts you that much more bc you were told one thing and yet, he was still doing the other AND he is not behaving with remorse.

Will a WS repent? That is everyone's hope! I can only give you my experience and thank goodness mine owned this from the time he walked in the door when I found out.
Having said that, we are at 6 months from D-day today and he is really doing so much more introspection then he was 2-3 months ago. But at least he said sorry and he acted sorry from the get-go.

I think you need the truth NOW.

In terms of "is 10 months too soon to repent?" No. He should have been on that long ago. Is it too soon for his fog to have cleared - Yes. That clears when he starts owning his actions.

Don't even think about forgiveness yet. Too much at this point. The work has to come from him in order for you to get to this place. My H is doing everything right and I am only now climbing my way to the acceptance stage.

Again, I refer you to After the Affair - she does a whole section on this and its very good.

I wish you well.
LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2111 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 4