SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Bomb dropped
TheGreatestLove
New Member
Member # 38856
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

I had found this website a couple of months ago, right after my husband told me about his affair. I hadn't logged in and posted questions today. I was blindly talking about how he was still talking to the OW and how I can handle it.

Tonight, he *texted* me and told me that he was leaving. TEXTED!

Now, I am in a whole new ball game. We have been married for 7 years, and have two daughters under the age of three. How do I function? I do not want to be divorced, let alone separated. I feel totally out of control.

I feel like my whole future has been ripped out of my hands. I can't hardly breathe. I can barely see the computer screen because of the tears.

I have loved him with my whole heart since I was 18. I promised my life to him, and he promised to me. Tonight, I sat in front of him and for the first time, there was no love in his eyes. He looked at me as if I were just a friend.

Do marriages survive this?! How do I continue on to tomorrow? Where do I go from here?


Posts: 9 | Registered: Mar 2013
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

(((TheGreatestLove)))

I'm sorry you're here. Being abandoned by your spouse is horribly difficult and traumatic. It is also something that you will get through. Make sure you do everything you can to take care of yourself for your daughters. Buy some protein shakes and fruit smoothies to hold you over for a while.

Being dumped over text message is pretty low. Shortly after my ex took off, I read a book called Lessons from the End of a Marriage by Lisa Arends. It provided a lot of hope and if you are so inclined, I would strongly recommend it.


Posts: 1654 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

A text message??? My God, I'm so sorry. How insensitive, cowardly and cruel.

I know you're hurting so much. I can hear it in your post and I remember saying those same things to myself. I had two young kids when my exWH left. My youngest was just three. I couldn't believe it and I certainly never saw it coming. I too felt like I was living in a nightmare and I remember all too well that look in his eyes. He looked through me rather than at me. I knew his feelings for me were gone and I no longer mattered to him. That still hurts.

I know it's hard to believe right now, but you will get through this. One tiny step at first at a time. You will.

Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and take care of the kids. Protect yourself financially. Lean heavily on friends and family in real life and here. Find a good IC and read the Healing Library articles on this site.

There is no way out but through it. Take your time and keep walking.

You will be okay. We promise.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2756 | Registered: Jan 2011
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Just wanted to let you know that you've been heard. I know the shock you're feeling-- I couldn't believe that 17 years of my life were gone in what seemed like a puff of smoke.

You'll get through this. Take it day by day. Take care of yourself and your girls. Find someone IRL that you can lean on; that was invaluable to me. Post here for great advice or just to vent your feelings. Ask around about attorneys-- if he moves forward with this, you want to make sure that you and your girls are well-represented.

Hang in there.

(((TheGreatestLove)))


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3572 | Registered: Oct 2011
numbandnauseous
Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

TGL, I am so sorry - what a horrible scumbag your WH is!

Welcome to SI. You have found a soft place to land where you will get lots of support.

Read the Healing Library in the upper left hand corner of this site if you haven't already.

Get to a doctor and get some sleeping medications, antidepressants, whatever you need to keep functioning through this shit storm you have been placed in.

Be gentle with yourself - kids may have to watch tv a little more, etc. so that you can get a break. Don't feel guilty about how you are handling anything in your household right now - it is really hard to hold things together with all the emotions you are having with what you have been handed. I am so sorry.

Next, you will be in the fight of your life. Get strong (even if you can't fathom it right now) to protect yourself and your babies. Go to a lawyer immediately. Find out your rights: how much you are entitled to in spousal support and child support, whether your state is a fault or no-fault state (to see if you need evidence of his infidelity), whether there is any advantage to you filing for divorce first, etc. Do this now even if you don't want to D. This was advice I was given a year ago by the wise people at SI and I am so glad I took their advice. This man who you love with all your heart, is not your friend and will not protect you and your children. You will have to do that now.

Hugs and keep posting!


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Text. What a bastard.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1217 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

I am so sorry that you are now here but I want to assure you, this group is supportive and wise and compassionate.

Your husband and "friend" are asswipes. Double betrayal.

I don't know if your marriage will survive but I know that YOU WILL. Your husband and friend are only thinking of themselves. You need to focus on YOU now.

Like the others have said, make sure you drink enough fluids, remember to eat, see your doctor for medication temporary, I believe you are already seeing a therapist?

The next few weeks are going to be hard. Do you have support in real life? Family and REAL friends? Go to them. Tell them. You will need their support.

We have all been where you are at and most of us will agree that it does get better. Post often and read. Hugs and support, dmari


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2144 | Registered: Oct 2012
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

OMG, a text message?? What a cowardly piece of shit he is!!

Big huge hugs to you. You will be okay. Like was advised, get some protein shakes and get to the doctor if you're feeling overwhelmed and stressed and need help with anxiety or depression or sleeping.

Do marriages survive this?!

The only way I've seen a marriage survive this and become something healthy is to show his ass the door and tell him to get lost. He is making his choice to walk away, and you need to give him the full effects of that decision. No begging for him back, no keeping him back from the door, no trying to reason with him. Kick his ass out. Get to a lawyer. Figure out all your rights. Chances are he hasn't thought this through and figured out what the real consequences of this are. The only way this gets back to something healthy is if he comes crawling back on his hands and knees begging for another chance while you stand tall and strong and refuse anything less than 100% commitment on his part. And then his actions would have to match his words. Until then, YOU DESERVE BETTER than him. If he keeps walking, then all your legal preparations and emotional detaching from him will help you heal faster.

I'm so sorry for this. Keep posting. It's traumatic for sure, so give yourself and break and reach out to some trusted people to help you out. Anyone but him..

((((((((TheGreatestLove)))))))


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2095 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

I think you should be proactive, save yourself a lot of headache and file for child support asap.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1217 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

I just read your profile,, is the OW your former best friend?

If so, I am so so so sorry, this is what happened to me, also.

Please get someone to come over and watch your children so you can sleep, or just stay in the shower until the water goes cold (basically how I functioned for 2 months).


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2051 | Registered: Jan 2012
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

I am jumping ahead, but I want you to know sometimes things are not as they seem.

My WH left us for my friend (actually he set me up to be her friend at a kids event 4 mos after they were already together). They are lying to her H who works out of state. He thinks my WH is his friend!

This happened almost 2 years ago. I divorced him to take care of my children and I --

I thought they were all happy, because that is the way they look.

But, I know someone whom the OW thinks is her friend, but this woman is really my friend. She called me up bc she and OW went to lunch recently. She said OW is miserable and looks aweful!!!! She is not in love with my XWH,she thinks he is dumb. She says she treats him horribly and he won't go away. (My XWH thinks they will be together forever)!!! She said she misses her H and still loves him, but she is sleeping with yet another married man -- a guy she was sleeping with before she ever met my XWH!

So that is why everyone on here says to totally concentrate on your children and yourself. Your H is going to have major mood swings and so are you.

Also on the Just Found Out section, on page 2 there is a topic called "Tactical Primer". It gives step by step advice for you, the BS.

It is an easy read.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 9:10 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2051 | Registered: Jan 2012
neverbeokay
Member
Member # 8275
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, June 7th (Friday)

I'm so sorry.

Do marriages survive this?! How do I continue on to tomorrow? Where do I go from here?

Marriages can survive this but both people have to want it and work hard for it. Right now your WH does not want to work on it. Right now you need to protect yourself and your children.

You continue on because you have kids depending on you and because no matter what happens, time will ease the pain and you can move on to a happy life.

Please read up on the 180 and take care of you. Seek IC, get antidepressants if you doctor thinks you need them, and most importantly consult a lawyer to find out your rights and how to protect yourself.

I know you don't want to divorce but a consultation is not a divorce, it is advice that will help you and your kids. And as time goes on you may decide this is a dealbreaker for you and you would be better off without someone who would use a text message to leave his family.


Posts: 288 | Registered: Sep 2005
neverbeokay
Member
Member # 8275
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, June 7th (Friday)

Edited for duplicate message.


[This message edited by neverbeokay at 6:14 AM, June 7th (Friday)]


Posts: 288 | Registered: Sep 2005
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, June 7th (Friday)

I'm so sorry honey. I'm sad to say I've been there - I've seen that dead look in his eyes.

I was as shocked and frightened as you are now. I simply could not believe he would do this to me, to my children - I couldn't believe he would dishonour it all so devastatingly.

The cruelty was/is astonishing.

I promise you it won't always feel this way. You'll have joys that you never could have imagined. Joys that were impossible with that man you married.

You can't see that now because of the shock and fear. I want you to know you've been heard, you're not alone and you WILL survive this - furthermore, you'll thrive.

I guarantee it. I am a testament to it.

((TheGreatestLove)) I remember the agony - I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Not even on the sad clown.

The fear itself is worse than that which you fear.

Just breathe. Make it through the next second, the next minute, the next hour. Drink lots of water, force yourself to eat something, sleep when you can.

You will come out of this stronger, wiser and so ready to start healing years of subtle and not so subtle emotional abuse that you'll be amazed that you tolerated it for as long as you did.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5532 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, June 7th (Friday)

I''m glad that you found your way to this forum. The people here have been there and done that. They are a great resource for you. I have nothing new to add that I didn''t already say on your other thread, but I wanted to pop over here and give you some (((hugs))).


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4713 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Griefstricken25
Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, June 7th (Friday)

A text message. Nice. I swear, teenagers break up better than some of these waywards leave a MARRIAGE!

I'm so sorry you're here. I hope we can be a support to you.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2506 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
Gr8Lady
Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, June 7th (Friday)

There are many great articles in the healing library if you haven't browsed there yet.
For me it is important to be heard and validated to let go of the pain.

Text msg....totally ridiculous. You are going to have to get stronger and put on those big girl panties. You have to do what is best for you. He obviously has made his choice all the begging and pleading in the world isn't going to guilt someone in to staying if they have decided to move on
You deserve better.
He was too cowardly to tell you in person. Just keep that in your thoughts.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 607 | Registered: Jul 2012
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

((TGL)) You're in the wrong section of the forum. Your fight is still in the early stages. This guy has a lot to learn before you can say your done.

I see this as a temper tantrum. You're not caving so he's flying hot to get you to fall in line and beg him to come back.

Let him hang himself with his own rope.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 621 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
JessicaFL127
Member
Member # 26864
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

Sweetie, read my profile if you'd like, my experience was similar except for the friend part. Pm me if i can help you in any way. Big hugs.


BW,32
divorced for 6 years
mom to two awesome boys,10 and 9

"But you said your vows, and you closed the door
On so many men who would have loved you more" -Cath, DCFC

"The most amazing things can come from some terrible lies"


Posts: 1244 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Missouri
Topic Posts: 19