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User Topic: post-A body image
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Stop  Posted: 7:53 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Does anyone else feel like they should try to be "less attractive" now? During my As, when I was high on dopamine & compliments, I felt so sexy and pretty.

But I do not like or want men looking at me anymore. Even women; I imagine they can see a big scarlet A on my forehead. When BH and I walked into the attorney's office (regarding a verbal attack from the AP, not D or anything) the assistant I'd spoken to on the phone says: "You look just like I imagined you would: tall and blonde and pretty." It felt like an indictment, not a compliment.

In typical cheating woman fashion...for three months, I was eating right and exercising regularly; BH says I look better at age 41 than I did at 25. Even the kids noticed.

Since DDay I kinda feel like I should just get fat and chop all my hair off. Aside from being terribly unfair to BH, and myself, I just don't want to be attractive anymore. Maybe that'll keep me out of trouble.

Anyone else feel this way?


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1248 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

Yes.

And I have gained 20 pounds and dyed my hair dark brown without highlights. (Didn't gain weight intentionally, stopped exercising and started some meds. I'm losing the weight slowly now.)

I don't feel pretty anymore. What I did wasn't pretty. The stuff inside me that let me make those choices isn't pretty.

I think as I get better on the inside it will show on the outside too. My appearance is much lower on my priority list lately.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, June 7th (Friday)

You are who you are. Why should it affect you what someone else thinks of you regarding something you don't really have control over?

There are going to be people who are attracted to tall and blond. There are others who are attracted to fat and chopped hair. Nobody can hide what they have.

For myself, my own definition of what is beautiful encompasses so many different things. Some people are very specific about what they like. Again, it isn't something anyone can hide or avoid, because someone will always see beauty, even if the person thinks they have achieved less attractive.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, June 7th (Friday)

You are who you are. Why should it affect you what someone else thinks of you regarding something you don't really have control over?

There are going to be people who are attracted to tall and blond. There are others who are attracted to fat and chopped hair. Nobody can hide what they have.

For myself, my own definition of what is beautiful encompasses so many different things. Some people are very specific about what they like. Again, it isn't something anyone can hide or avoid, because someone will always see beauty, even if the person thinks they have achieved less attractive.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:04 AM, June 7th (Friday)

I feel more like it's the boundaries that are in place now that make me 'less attractive'.

It's funny, I was getting complimented and hit on like crazy during my As but I know it was the vibe I was sending out.

I don't think I got any uglier when I established my firmly-planted-in-concrete boundaries, but amazingly, the compliments stopped. (Sometimes I get compliments on my curly hair, but that's always from women).

I just try to be me. And I always try to be beautiful on the inside. Try...that's not always easy and I'm continually working on it.

Looks wise, I try to be comfortable in my skin, true to myself and my family, and kinder than necessary for the most part. What projects on the outside is a result of that.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38190 | Registered: Sep 2007
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, June 7th (Friday)

I just don't want to be attractive anymore. Maybe that'll keep me out of trouble.

Like the others have expressed...it's not what is on the outside that will keep you out of trouble, it's your boundaries and self-awareness that will.

Authenticnow...

(Sometimes I get compliments on my curly hair, but that's always from women).

Well, you do have gorgeous curly hair that I'd knock you down in the street for


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198431 | Registered: May 2002
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, June 7th (Friday)

I am glad to know someone else feels this way, it helps.

Totally get that I have a shitload of internal work to do.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1248 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, June 7th (Friday)

During my A, I actually had gained 30 pounds on top of the extra 15 I was already hauling around. I was in the worst shape of my life. I let my hair grow out, stopped shaving and generally looked like crap. It was like I wanted to look as ugly as I was acting and feeling. Of course, the bullshit ego fluffing of the A made me not see how awful I looked, but when I look at pictures from that time its like...yikes!

When Mrs LRH and I started talking after d-day, I had already started losing a bit of weight from my crappy diet. I wanted to remind her of when she first met me so I went and got a haircut (crappy stylist, but it worked well enough.) That, to me, felt like the first chipping away of the worst of me.

I actually feel like I look much better now than I did two years ago. I've lost 45 pounds since then, back to the weight I was at in my 20s. I'm working out for the right reason - health, not attention. And I agree, I don't get comments from women anymore. Whatever, I don't need that. The comments were more about the vibe I was putting out than anything I was. I like it better when I'm happy with my looks without regard to what others think. I still have my moments, my self-esteem isn't bulletproof...yet...but I'm getting there.

Look the way you want to look. Intentionally looking less attractive isn't going to help anything, trust me.

[This message edited by longroadhome at 8:51 AM, June 7th (Friday)]


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, June 7th (Friday)

I just don't want to be attractive anymore. Maybe that'll keep me out of trouble.
Uhhh...have you not seen the mugshots of those women busted for prostitution??? Those girls are in rough, very unattractive shape. For every gorgeous Marilyn Monroe that has an affair, there's going to be an ugly Wicked Witch of the West affair. It has *nothing* to do with outward appearance.

Totally get what you're thinking though. If I'm ugly, people won't look at me. Check your vibe. What is your vibe saying? When I realized what vibe I was giving off and reversed that sucker, it shut people down. And I realized that in reversing that vibe, I was no longer looking around at other people to notice what they were/were not staring at. Didn't care anymore. kwim?

20Wrong, be beautiful. For you and your hubby. You both deserve your best. I've gained weight post Dday due to nervous eating. (Terrible habit to pick up) I hate it. If I could work out, eat right, and be smokin' for my AP, then I should be more than willing to do that for myself and my husband.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 8:58 AM, June 7th (Friday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6321 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, June 7th (Friday)

My vibe now is, "don't look at me!" but I'll try this:

When I realized what vibe I was giving off and reversed that sucker, it shut people down. And I realized that in reversing that vibe, I was no longer looking around at other people to notice what they were/were not staring at.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1248 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, June 7th (Friday)

The difference is not in how I look now or then. It is in how I conduct myself. I feel beautiful now in myself and to my BH. Before, I needed others (men) to admire me. I don't care when I am complimented or told I look so much younger. I am so much more comfortable in my own skin.

I'm 41. I am starting to feel the years in my face and body.

It's all good.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
KBeguile
Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, June 7th (Friday)

I'm having a bit of a weird go. Earlier this week, I could have sworn certain clothes items were fitting on me better than before, which indicated to me that I was losing weight. However, since I'm taking part in a weight-loss contest, my first weigh-in indicated I'm almost up to where I was at my heaviest. I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean...


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 801 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
littleal
New Member
Member # 37702
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

Yes, I know how you feel. Gained a bunch... stress ... eat comfort food.

No one has the right to judge


gone where no man has a right to go

Posts: 2 | Registered: Dec 2012
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

What Aubrie said!!

Maybe that'll keep me out of trouble.

How?
What's kept me out of trouble is changing my insides. Changing my attitudes, and behaviors.

Not needing outside validation.

Changing your outside is not going to change your inside, except that maybe you won't feel as good about yourself.
I like being attractive for myself and my BS. How fair would that be if I was to be all fabulous for someone else and than let myself go for my BS?
Not to say I walk around in heels and a dress all the time, but I make sure to take care of myself.

This :

I was no longer looking around at other people to notice what they were/were not staring at. Didn't care anymore.

Yep. I encounter a fair amount of people (mostly men), being in recovery. I don't give a rats @$$ what they think of me.
I spent WAY too much of my life feeling like me wasn't good enough.
Through the work I'm doing I'm learning to love myself for who I am.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Apple3point14
Member
Member # 39035
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I don't know if I am attractive right now. I don't check to see if men and women are looking at me. I don't consider changing Anything about myself to influence what strangers are thinking.. furthermore, I truly have no interest if I look better at 43 then I did at 25. And I don't completely understand why your kids thinking you look better is relevant.
I do,however, think about wife sees me, and what I show her on a day to day basis . Gaining 50 pounds and dying your hair purple isn't going to keep you out of trouble! I recommend you look at who you are on the inside. The lack of compliments or smiles has no influence on me being true to my wife and myself.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Apr 2013
KBeguile
Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

t-j

Love the name, Appleπ(approx.)

/t-j


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 801 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
finallyfree2011
Member
Member # 37998
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, June 10th (Monday)

During my A I got in the best shape I had ever been in - started running and felt and looked great.

I think my confidence showed in my attitude and I noticed men 'noticing' me. Honestly I liked it.

After the A ended my BH always felt like I had done it for XAP. I denied it, and said it was for me but it was partially true.

I let myself go during R and got back in shape for our vow renewal last year. Since then I have been up an down in my weight and dedication to working out.

I would love to get in shape and stay there so that BH will know it is for me and him as well.

But seriously I still feel like people 'notice' me. Is that weird? Is it some leftover un merited confidence from the A? At least now, I ignore it instead of encouraging it like before.

But trust me, I am just another 40 something mom of two teens. Definitely nothing special or extraordinary


Me - WS
H - BH

D day - July 2011 after a 4 year relationship with OM

Reconciled and renewed our vows on our 22 Anniversary in June 2012


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2013
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, June 10th (Monday)

The difference is not in how I look now or then. It is in how I conduct myself. I feel beautiful now in myself and to my BH. Before, I needed others (men) to admire me. I don't care when I am complimented or told I look so much younger. I am so much more comfortable in my own skin.

I'm 41. I am starting to feel the years in my face and body.

ditto on this. Verbatim. Except I'm turning 40.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5988 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, June 10th (Monday)

Except I'm turning 40.

MissesJai, I think that's 39A, my Mum says she's 39H now (47).

I used to wear false eyelashes all day long, never wear them now. I've also bought lots of trousers because I couldn't bear the 'how short?' conversation. I've taken to wearing flats and haven't got any nails on. I just feel like I don't want to give people any more reasons to judge me. I've done enough all by myself.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 11:43 AM, June 10th (Monday)]


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Misfit123
New Member
Member # 38471
Default  Posted: 3:41 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

It is good to know others feel this way. When I read your post I was like OMG. I didn't think anyone else felt this way. Before D-day I always tried to look good. After D-day, I was in such a fog, I didn't wear makeup, kept my hair in a ponytail and tried to wear looser fitting clothes. I just don't really care how I look sometimes. Family functions come up and I fix my hair and try to put on makeup. I am not much of a jewerly girl.
Now that some nice weather has finally arrived here I have gone to wearing some of my favorite t-shirts, which are more form fitting so that makes me look better but sometimes makes me uncomfortable.
It's like looking good makes me feel guilty. Sometimes I really don't want to look good.
My weight isn't a problem, well it is, I actually need to gain weight. I was in hospital last year and my DR said to gain some weight. I have a little, but recently was only 101. I should be 110. I don't have much of an appetite. I am trying to work on this, hard when working on R. Priorities.


FWW 40's
BH 50's
2 kids
EA D day 8-2011 (wasn't truthful- EA was actually PA also)
PA D-day 1-29-2013
some TT after
working on R - taking it slowly to try to get it right :-)



Posts: 24 | Registered: Feb 2013
Topic Posts: 20