SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: Where Do I Start?
IAteTheApple
New Member
Member # 39452
Stop  Posted: 9:38 AM, June 7th (Friday)

OP and I kind of work together. We started out spending time together with groups of coworkers. Then we started hanging out alone. Then we started casually touching each other. Then one night after BH embarrassed me in front of our group of friends/coworkers, I told him the struggles I was having in my marriage. We kissed and it went from there.

It took four days for me to come clean. BH left that night, and I was with OP within hours of his departure. BH would say he wanted to come home, but would leave again within hours of arriving. We went to MC one week after D-Day and he told me he was done. Again, I went back to OP. A few days later, BH said he wanted to try to commit to the time the counselor asked of us. He was home for four days before he left again. Guess where I was that night?

We went back to MC three days ago, and again he committed to the time frame the counselor asked for. Again, I told OP that I need NC, but I only managed to maintain it for a day.

I've read in The Healing Library, and I allow myself to think, "No, that is not true!" even though I know deep down that it is. I'm in what I guess is the fog. BH doesn't want to hear what I have to say right now, so I'm keeping a lot bottled up... Or I have the urge to talk to OP about my feelings.

I did end things with OP again. I want to try to fix my marriage. I'm just not super sure I have the strength to do so.

I don't even know what I'm looking for with this post.

[This message edited by IAteTheApple at 10:11 AM, June 7th (Friday)]


Posts: 27 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, June 7th (Friday)

Welcome to SI.

Why do you think you keep going back to the AP?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6058 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
IAteTheApple
New Member
Member # 39452
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, June 7th (Friday)

Why do you think you keep going back to the AP?

Our relationship is easy. I trust him. He listens to me. He's kind of a knight in shining armor. We have fun together. We share a lot of interests. The sex is really good. There's a lot of me that thinks it would just be easier to cut my losses and to be with him.

[This message edited by IAteTheApple at 12:47 PM, June 7th (Friday)]


Posts: 27 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, June 7th (Friday)

Then why don't you?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"You can do it!" - R. Schneider


Posts: 5483 | Registered: Nov 2011
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, June 7th (Friday)

You have to make a decision and commit to it. Do not use it as an excuse that your BH left so you could go and be with OP. That was because you wanted to. The BH leaving just gave you the extra push to go do what you wanted to do anyway.

I know the pull of an affair..I know how it's like a drug and you crave the next fix of the OP, however if you want your marriage to survive, you have to stay NC. If you don't , it's just a vicious circle and you give your BH more reasons to leave.

What do you do to make your BH stay home?
Are you subconsciously or outwardly showing you miss the OP or OM?
Are you even giving your BH any indication you want him home.
He seems to want to be home because he keeps coming back, the question is...Do you want him to be home?


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2412 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, June 7th (Friday)

Has the AP ever had to go into the bathroom after you've been in there? Has he had to help clean-up the puke from when you were sick?

Did you make a vow to love, honor, cherish, and forsake all others to the AP?

Would someone you could trust have sex with you when they know you are married?

These are all blunt examples and I'm beint a bit sarcastic in listing them out like that...but the fog you are in makes it easy to believe this facade that you are part of. The A, and your current recollection of it is a great example of how messed up our thinking can be during, and just after, or while trying to extricate ourselves from the A.

For what it's worth, I think many of us WS's here can identify with what you are talking about. But, for our own sakes, and for the sake of our BS, we've made a choice to see the reality of what we created. That reality is devestation that we made a choice in bestowing upon our BS.

So, if you want to cut your losses and go, then do so. Don't prolong the agony for your BH. But in reality, how many relationships that start out with cheating actually survive? Since he cheated with you, are you really going to trust that he won't do it eventually with someone else? If he doesn't meet your needs after a year or two are you going to start looking around for another easy escape?

It's that old saying of "you can't escape your problems" or " wherever you go, your problems go too" or whatever the saying is...the point is that you can choose to run, or you can choose to be honest and authentic in your life and not live a lie.

We can help if you choose the latter. But that too is a choice you have to make on your own, and you have to stick to it.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6058 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, June 7th (Friday)

^^Spot on Bax.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"You can do it!" - R. Schneider


Posts: 5483 | Registered: Nov 2011
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, June 7th (Friday)

Bax is right on here. Your affair is all fantasy and fun. Your AP has not done all the real life things with you yet. So of course he can look glamorous to you still. And you to him. Wait till real life gets in the way of that. That will all disappear.

You need to figure out you, before you try to figure out anything else. Stop going back and forth. This isn't about making sure anyone else feels wanted. Figure out your own shit and go from there but quit the damm games.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3669 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
IAteTheApple
New Member
Member # 39452
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

I only have a minute, but I blocked AP on facebook, blocked his emails, blocked him from messaging me. If necessary, I will buy the phone package that allows me to block numbers.

I'm doing this.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

Good, now come here when you feel like contacting him and talk to us instead.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3669 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

Good, now come here when you feel like contacting him and talk to us instead.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3669 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

You're addicted to him. Going NC is incredibly hard when you still believe AP is the "knight in shining armor" and a great guy. But you "trust" a man who is fucking you because you are an easy lay, while he's high-fiving himself for taking another man's wife. Real prince, that one, and you (and I) are no better.

I'm only a few weeks out. Thinking of it as a drug addiction really helped me. Each day you go without contacting him is a day you are recovering from that addiction.

So, are you a helpless junkie, or a strong woman?

Forget about blocking email accounts and phone numbers: it takes 30 seconds to setup a new email account and reach out to your Prince Cheater again. You need to block your brain.

I'll let others gently smack you with 2x4s (alright i did a little) and just wish you strength and perseverance.


^^Everything I write, IMHO & YMMV.^^
fWW: 42, amazing H and two elementary-age kids.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing & rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.

Posts: 786 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 4:57 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

We've all been where you are. The stage you're at requires ALOT of support and guidance. Come to SI as much as you can. Read as much as you can. It all helps lift the fog.

I remember thinking a lot like you and when I think back, it was because of fear of losing the sounding board and comfort I found in my AP. He became a crutch and I was hugely dependent on him to carry me emotionally.

There are many other healthier ways which I now understand. Withdrawal is hard but you can do it. Deleting access is a great first step.

Is OP married? How long have you been married? Do you have kids?


Posts: 354 | Registered: Mar 2013
IAteTheApple
New Member
Member # 39452
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

I broke NC again.

AP and I worked together for a few hours yesterday. He asked me a question directly and I answered it, but otherwise managed to maintain radio silence. UNTIL it was time to leave. We were parked in the same direction, so we walked silently, and then he asked, "See you Monday?" and I said yes... But then it was too painful and I just gave in and we sat in my car and chatted for 30 minutes about books and authors and a play I saw that he wants to see.

Right before he left he asked me how I was, and I said not good, and that my best friend (whose husband cheated on her, and who is at this site) pretty much ended her friendship with me, and that I feel like I'm everyone's bad guy, and that I'll never be happy again. And he did reach out and touched my shoulder and told me he doesn't know which road I'll take, but he can see me laughing and smiling six months from now. No other touching, and no affair talk besides him telling me he loves me before he left.

Then last night BH and I went to a friend's house for game night. He triggered because gaming is something AP and I bonded over, and spent most of the night belittling me and putting me down in front of our friends. I sat there fighting back tears (and honestly, the urge to leave and run straight to AP) all night. Then when we got outside, I asked him why he is so cruel to me, and he said he just gets these surges of hatred for me... And didn't apologize. So, I popped off a text to AP saying that BH was being cruel to me and he responded, "I'm sorry. You don't deserve that."

I really want to call AP right now. I think Trying33 is spot on. I am so reliant on him right now for emotional support.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

Do you plan on using him as an emotional crutch for the rest of your life? Or are you going to learn how to be a strong person that can handle her own shit? Because right now you aren't. You are somebody that is using someone else. And he is using you right back. This is not a healthy relationship no matter which way you look at it.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3669 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
IAteTheApple
New Member
Member # 39452
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

To answer some questions:
Why don't I just be with AP? Because I made a commitment to my BH. Because I chose him to spend my life with for a reason and I want to try to get back to (or create anew) the happiness we had before things started to fall apart. Because I see him trying, and I feel like I need to meet him halfway, or further.

About him being/staying at home: I have left the decision to come home up to him, but once he's been home, I've had to beg him every day to stay. Pretty much every day I can see him start to slide and I have to say, "Please stay with me. Don't shut down. Focus on the good." I've tried to be more affectionate. I haven't talked about anything that may trigger him. I've listened patiently. And I've let him get away with sniping at me with nasty comments.

The big one: Do I want him home? If we can be happy and respect each other, yes. If we're going to relapse into life as we knew it or if the verbal abuse is going to continue? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

AP is not married. I have been married for close to 4 years. No kids, except those with 4-legs.

And to address 20Wrongs and Bax, I do recognize one line of thinking that won't help me is demonizing AP. This is all on me. I started the touching. I painted the picture of my marriage that led him to want to rescue me. He has never come to me without me asking him to and has never asked me to come there. He was in a long-term relationship that he ended to be with me and I am the one that didn't leave mine. I have broken his heart a hundred times since this started, and he keeps propping me up whenever I ask. He is not the bad guy here.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

You will never know if you and your H have a chance of a good marriage while there is a 3rd person in it. As soon as H is an ass or does something to upset you it's just too easy to reach out to another man who will validate you and tell you how wonderful you are, as H clearly does not see this right???

If you truly want to try and R with H, AP needs to be FULLY out of the picture. That means NC. Not having anyone to run to and rescue me was very hard. The absence of this almost father figure who would soothe me and make me feel worthy again and care unconditionally about me was like withdrawing from a drug. It's hard but possible. It's also not real and a fantasy, but you're probably not ready to hear that yet. I wasn't.

One of the most helpful things I was told on this site was about assuring me I had the strength and will power to do this. I COULD survive alone. I COULD deal with my own problems without running to another man and I COULD do the right thing and stop any further destruction.

What is REALLY stopping you from being with AP long-term? The 6 month comment he made was a very leading one.


Posts: 354 | Registered: Mar 2013
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

He is not the bad guy here.

I'm not suggesting you demonize him; merely pointing out that good guys don't have sex with married women.

Trust me, I said so many of the same things you are saying now, when my last A ended. It's pretty great, having a husband at home and a lover/confidant on the side, right? But my BH wasn't willing to have a M like that, and I doubt yours is either.


^^Everything I write, IMHO & YMMV.^^
fWW: 42, amazing H and two elementary-age kids.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing & rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.

Posts: 786 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

I am curious as to why you are expecting happiness and respect? Don't you think that is a little premature?


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3669 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

I suggest you google "why do single men have sex with married women." Something I did when I was deep in the fog.

I don't think you will like the answer.

You are crying that your BH is angry at you? While the sma eday you are talking all lovey-dovey with OM? Can you try for a second to put yourself in BH's shoes?

I assume BH doesn't know you broke NC.

This OM is telling you what you need to hear. That's how he gets off. That and the no-strings sex, of course. If it were real life, I doubt he'd be talking rainbows about you laughing in 6 months.

By the way, I noticed he talked about you laughing and smiling in 6 months. Not the 2 of you. Food for thought.

ETA: not sure what you mean by verbal abuse. Feel free to expand on that.

[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 3:11 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]


Me-41 FWW Him-44BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"The only thing permanent is change." Dr Charles Mayo,1930

Posts: 1947 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

You paint a real smooth silky picture of your AP. That's common. He's not there to deal with all your bad habits, he's only there to give you an ego boost when you need it.
He's the "knight in shining armor"to rescue you from your dragon husband when you are feeling abused by him.
Your BH feels abused too, that is why he withdraws. His wife had and continues to have an affair on him and she is subconsciously blaming it all on him.
You say you don't?
Well every time he triggers you want to run to AP because you don't like the consequences that go with betrayal.
Do you not realize that your AP is just appeasing you til you "reward" him again. He keeps initiating because he wants more of what you gave him already.
you say he's
NOT THE BAD GUY HERE.

Yes he is. He is helping you disrespect your marriage, your husband and yourself.
What kind of reputation does a married woman or man have that has an affair?
Not a good one and he is helping you with that.
You think he is being good by answering your calls and listening to you complain about your husband..he is dragging you further down the hole and you are letting him.
You think you won't have to suffer berating because you had an affair?
No he shouldn't abuse you, but he does have the right to vent, he does have the right to be hurt. He does have the right to want to leave.
You do need to work on yourself..without the help of your AP. You need to find a good counselor and keep communicating with your husband.

You have no true remorse for what you've done.
If you really knew what you did..you would run so far from AP that he would think he made you up and you never existed.
Every time you engage your AP..you chip away the possibility of a successful reconciliation with your BH.

How can you heal your marriage if you keep involving a third person in a marriage of two.

Not the bad guy here huh?

He is and as long as you continue to be around him, communicate with him and be emotionally and physically involved with him..you are too.
You're husband is not the bad guy..only when you make him out to be to your AP.
Fix you.that means no AP..NC.
Be transparent because right now you are not.
Your husband has the right to trigger and be moody.
His wife is working with the guy she cheated on him with..
You would be moody and snide to if you had to wear those shoes.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 4:24 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2412 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

Just a thought to ponder..

If AP really was a good guy, what do you think a good guy's response to this situation would be?

Yes he loves you, needs you, wants to, NEEDS to have sex with you. It's just so passionate and exciting and has made you believe in romance again right?

But let's just for a moment give him the benefit of the doubt that he really IS a good guy (as was MY AP). In this situation, in a text book answer, what would a GOOD guy do?

I think an honourable single guy who has happened to fall in love with a married woman at this point would say something like "I love you, but you belong to another man and have made vows to him. Please try and work on your marriage or not, but I will not be the man you sneak away with. I want you all to myself and do not want to share you. I insist we have no further contact as I do not want to be the cause of a broken marriage"

Perhaps this is too simplistic and we are not in a text book world but I hope you get the gist of what I'm saying. May be he has said something similar to this to you and that's why you claim he is a good guy? In which case do as he says. Stop the A and concentrate on your M.

I remember thinking the sun shone out of my AP's arse. He was just soooooo perfect and could do no wrong. There are still moments I am triggered where I see him as "broken and hurting and deep down a good guy". I'm sure he is in any other circumstance. But, the fact remains, he still lied to his wife and family on a daily basis. That's how GOOD of a guy he was.

nb. Some seasoned WW's sometime mention how the AP tells you what you want to hear. At the time you don't believe it because you KNOW AP and you KNOW he's genuine right? You can see it in his eyes for the whole time you're with him. He's torn. He doesn't know what to do. It's me who keeps it going. It's me who convinces him we should do this. It's not his fault.

Sound familiar?

[This message edited by Trying33 at 11:21 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]


Posts: 354 | Registered: Mar 2013
KBeguile
Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, June 10th (Monday)

I keep reading "good guy/bad guy" posts on here, like everyone in the world falls into one box or the other. Yes, they are diametric opposites, but you leave out TONS of shades of gray in the middle where people can approach things with good intentions but follow through poorly (the recent controversy regarding Mother Teresa strikes me as this).

If you do good work all week in a Christian society, but don't go to church because you personally don't believe, are you a good guy or a bad guy? If your only vice is gambling, but you repent for it all the time in Confession, are you a good guy for repenting, or a bad guy for letting the behavior continue with consequential results? If a pillar of the community keeps women chained in his basement? If a hateful gay-bashing preacher discovers his own homosexuality and refuses to change his message?

Nice people do bad things, just as "evil" people do good (occasionally, with the intent to cover up the bad, but I digress). You can't just deposit the people in your life into these two boxes. There's lots of room in the middle where good people are making bad decisions and bad people are trying to redeem themselves. Be one of the latter; stop your own bad behavior.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 735 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

KB, I agree with what you're saying but all the good guy bad guy comments were in direct relation to the original posters comments.

It was more of an attempt to give some perspective and gently bring into reality (which most fresh ww's need the most, I definitely did). The fog is so thick during times like this, it certainly helped me when people highlighted that possibly my thinking may have been a bit skewed?


Posts: 354 | Registered: Mar 2013
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Very good point Trying.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3669 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
KBeguile
Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Gotcha, Trying. You did make some good points. Sorry if what I said was tangential or unhelpful.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 735 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Not at all. I think what you said was helpful.

You can't just deposit the people in your life into these two boxes. There's lots of room in the middle where good people are making bad decisions and bad people are trying to redeem themselves.

I'd like to think most waywards are good people that made bad decisions. At least that's how I'd like to think of myself.

What's important here is separating what we feel/see/perceive in the fog vs what is reality. I still believe my xAP is inherently a good person, he like me made bad choices. Maybe he was a BAD person who did a good thing (by ending the A) and trying to redeem himself? Who knows?

All I do know is during the A and shortly after and during immediate withdrawal he could do no wrong. I had my rose tinted glasses on. There's still a tiny amount of rouge left on my glasses but every day they're becoming more and more transparent.


Posts: 354 | Registered: Mar 2013
IAteTheApple
New Member
Member # 39452
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Still struggling. I don't know if this will make sense, but I have the answer to "why do I want to stay with BH?" but I don't yet have an answer for "why do I not want to be with AP?" So, the feelings just lurk there and every time we work together, they bubble up and over. Or when BH says something hurtful (that I'm sure I deserve, don't get me wrong) and I just think, "Why not AP?"

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

How long has it been, since you were last in contact with AP?

Until you've had NC for a significant time period (a week, a month) you won't be able to make a rational decision about your M. You owe it to your BH to be "all in" to your M, or "all out." This means finding another job, too, where you will never see or speak to AP again. Ever. As long as you are M.


^^Everything I write, IMHO & YMMV.^^
fWW: 42, amazing H and two elementary-age kids.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing & rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.

Posts: 786 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
IAteTheApple
New Member
Member # 39452
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

How long has it been, since you were last in contact with AP?
Until you've had NC for a significant time period (a week, a month) you won't be able to make a rational decision about your M. You owe it to your BH to be "all in" to your M, or "all out." This means finding another job, too, where you will never see or speak to AP again. Ever. As long as you are M.

I'm ashamed of the answer to that question. If anyone involved finds this, I'm sure there's enough here already to out me, so I'll just go ahead and say that we are actors. I cannot quit this job, but it will be over next month. If my M and I make it until then.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
sarahsorry812
New Member
Member # 36825
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

You need STRICT NC. That is THE ONLY way to get out of the fog you are in. Listen to the responses here - they are all right on.

He's a liar and a cheat an disrespectful to you an your M. You are simply giving him what he wants so he keeps telling you what you want to hear.

And thats bullshit that he says he left a long term relationship for you. You can't see it now, because you are in the fog that is so thick it will eat away and ruin you.

If you had issue in your M prior to the A, go work on them. STOP running to AP everytime you and H have a disagreement. AP is sitting back enjoying every minute of this. He has complete control over you. Go get your control back. Remember the vows you made and work on honoring them and making things right.

The longer you keep up this cycle, the worse things will get until you reach a point where you have compromised all of your core values and morals and you won't recognize yourself anymore.

Read the stories here from BS and what they go through. It's horrible. And you caused this.

Sorry for being a little rough, but that's what I needed and it helped me.


Posts: 34 | Registered: Sep 2012
JKL Vikings
Member
Member # 32094
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

HI I ate the apple. You would do well to listen to BaxtersBFF and floridaredman. Your OM has not dealt with you in REAL LIFE.
Real life has a way of bursting the affair bubble. Quickly. If you want to put things back together with your husband, the OM needs to go away
YESTERDAY
If you can't leave your job, here are some rules of engagement:
1.Any communication between you and the OM is done on COMPANY, not PERSONAL phones, etc. If you can make them available to your H, even better.
2. NO CASUAL CONVERSATIONS about the weather, or last night's ball game, etc. Your only communication with his is as it relates to your JOB. Period
3. You are NEVER, EVER, EVER, alone with the OM
You can do this. Stay NC with the OM. Post here, PM me or I'll even sing 80s one-hit wonders with you till the urge passes
Stay strong
JKL

[This message edited by JKL Vikings at 3:08 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


Her- Alpha Female 40
Me-FWH 41
Married since '02, together since 2000
D-day 2/10/2009
3 sons- J- born Oct 2001
K- born Sept. 2005
L- born Apr. 2008
We ALL have issues. It's how we deal with them that makes the difference

Posts: 508 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas, TX
Topic Posts: 32