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User Topic: I need some support please
iammine
New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, June 7th (Friday)

This is my first post. I've been reading topics for awhile. I think I've come to the point when you are to your end with things.

I've been with my partner for over 17 yrs. He has been carrying on an EA for a really long time, probably years and I haven't done anything about it. I have at least 4 years of texts between him and her. In all this time, she has NEVER said anything sexual to him. He will say things to her. For example on Mother's Day he said "Happy Mother's Day to the Sexiest Mom I know" and of course he didn't say anything to me. Her oldest son and our son used to be absolute best friends
but they no longer are speaking, so why is she even in our lives anymore? I know the answer but...

Recently my partner completely threw me "under the bus" with his family and I'm very angry with him.. I planned a much needed weekend vacation for him and myself. To be honest, it was more for me. For the last 5 years its been very difficult with children issues, working long hours and just everyday stress and I wanted to go away so badly. I saved for months for us to go away and when I had everything arranged my partner was really excited and we talked about it endlessly for a few days. His mother expressed concern that we couldn't go and it was a bad idea and she was pissed off at me because we couldn't really afford to go. My partner completely changed his mind and told his mom it was all my fault and I shouldn't have made the plans. I lost all happiness about going and cancelled everything. I wouldn't speak to him for a few days because I was so hurt that he would throw me under the bus with his mother. Of course he kept OW hourly updated on what was going on between him and I. I can't believe how 2 faced he is.

We have planned a camping trip this year and last year when OW's son and our son were speaking we all went camping. I was never so happy to come home after that. That's all OW did was yell at her kids for the 2 days that they were there. I was so tired of just hearing her voice. So now, she told me on Facebook that she couldn't wait until we went camping again. I guess she figures that even though our sons are not friends anymore that she would still come camping with us again this year. And of course my partner doesn't see anything wrong with this. It just makes her closer to him. My mom said that I should just go and ignore her.

Things need to change. My head is starting to come out of the sand a bit and I have no clue what to do but I'm so tired of living like this.

He does go to her house while I am at work, everything is behind my back but she will be ever so sweet to me when she sees me.

Any thoughts? Thank you.


Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
unfound
Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 7th (Friday)

welcome to si iammine. you've definitely come to the right place.

your H is having an inappropriate relationship with this woman. whether it be a physical affair or disrespectful to you and your marriage. nothing you didn't already know, right?

I would let him know that you do not want her to be a part of either of your lives anymore, that the way he communicated with her is inappropriate and hurtful to you, and he has a choice... he can keep her as a "friend" or you as a wife. his reaction will be very telling.

also, I would go into stealth investigating mode.

married men do not have friends that aren't friends of the marriage. married men do not go behind their wives backs to visit female friends while their wives are at work. married men do not send "sexiest mom" texts to anyone other than their wives.

he will continue this behavior until you confront him and let him know what the consequences are if he does.

be prepared. practice what you'll say and how you'll respond to his reactions. have proof. hae a support system (SI is a great one!). have a plan. be ready for denial, blameshifting, gaslighting and more denial.

keep reading, keep posting. you'll find a great advice and support here


ka-mai
*******************
Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone ...

Posts: 14747 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
callmecrazy
Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, June 7th (Friday)

I was you sort of...not quite so bad and it wasnt so long with 1 person, but I can definitely feel your pain.
When I tried to talk with him and get him to see we needed to really work on us bc I couldnt handle feeling 2nd all the time...crazy came through and my life has been 100% hell since. This is because I wasnt prepared to handle things the right way, or discover what the real truths were.
Educate yourself a bit first. Read in the healing library. Be ready to focus on YOU, he certainly isnt doing his part in the relationship and after all this time of being a 3rd wheel in your marriage, Im sure you can easily get hostile, which although understandable, wont help if this escalates on you. If you can afford it or insurance will cover, try IC, it can really help you talk through your hurt rationally so you understand yourself.

You have to do something though. Its no way to live. Also, all the behind your back stuff...Im not saying there is something physical, but be prepared for it. Thats my advise I guess, Im sure others will come along and give you other great tips but in a nutshell: Educate yourself on yourself and dealing with affairs (emotional hurts just as bad, so dont discount it and dont let him), know what your needs and wants are going to be to heal from this and move forward and be prepared for any possible reaction from him. Maybe you will be met with love and understanding and he will feel bad, but he has to know deep down he is very wrong with what he has done to you, so he may just become very angry with you.

Best of luck and remember, you deserve love and you deserve a partner in marriage.


Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
iammine
New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, June 7th (Friday)

He just sent her a message "you're pretty!" Not once in 17 yrs had he told me that.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
movingforward13
Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, June 7th (Friday)

You should let them have each other and leave him.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 607 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Northeast US
Godsgirl
Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, June 7th (Friday)

Well I'm a pretty jealous woman so I would print out all the text, hand them to him with his packed bags and ask him to go be with the love of his life. I actualy did tell my SAWH that I thought he should make a go of it with the last OW since he had just spent two years of false R with her. You should have seen his face .
The only way I would be in a relationship with him would be complete NC with the OW, IC, MC, and a massive amount of respect towards me.Otherwise it would be separation and the 180 on my part.
Read the Healing Library and talk to some of our FWS in the I can Relate forum. They give really great advise and can help you determine how best to react in your situation.


Me-BS (38)
Him-SAWH (38)
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!


Posts: 836 | Registered: Feb 2010
iammine
New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

There is well over 20,000 texts between the two of them. It seems to be very one sided on his part. She never says anything back. One time he asked her if she liked when he talked to her like that. She said she lets him talk that to her to keep him "clean" for ME! What does that even mean? She would never say anything against me until recent, now she is really encouraging him to visit her.

I'm very confused what to do about the camping trip we are taking. He and I go camping by ourselves while the kids go camping at the local kids camp ground. I look forward to this all year, I love camping. Last year, OW brought her son to camp with our son. But since the older boys do not talk anymore, why does she thinks she needs to come camping with us? My mom says to go and not say a word until all summer actitivies are done and kids are back to school. At this point I'm angry and I don't know if I can keep that in check with her 5 feet away from me for a weekend.

[This message edited by iammine at 8:29 AM, June 8th (Saturday)]


Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
MissD
Member
Member # 39377
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

Why have you not told her this year it's just family camping, or fuck off, or something in between?

You are in a bad place. It will get worse if you cannot find a way to set boundaries.


BW 40's - WH 50's
M 20yrs, T 23yrs
2 children
Multiple EA, OA,& PA's
Thankful for my faith in God to be my strong tower.

Posts: 70 | Registered: May 2013
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

First, welcome to SI. You will find a lot of support and information here. But holy shit...way too much to address all at once.

It seems that your immediate problem is the camping trip. Can you not find your voice to say-No fucking way is she coming with us! Will that cause WW3 with your WP? Will he call off the trip? Will he ignore you completely and invite her along? Why can't you just put your foot down?

As for your mother--what is her problem? I would be telling my daughter to run like the wind.

Hopefully, you will stop listening to outsiders and concentrate on what you can do to make your life livable again. Do yourself a favor--go to the Healing Library and read about the 180. It works with Wayward Partners and crazy moms/in laws.

Once you get past this immediate crisis, I hope you will take a good, hard look at your life and start to live authentically.

Keep posting, and good luck.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19151 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
iammine
New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Thanks for the replies...

Last year when she went camping my partner did not tell me she was coming with her children. I obviously knew about it beforehand because of their texts.

This year she Facebooked me and said that she couldn't wait to go camping again with us. I asked him how did she know and he said she must have guessed we were going again and that he couldn't tell her she couldn't go because its a public place.

As for my mom, I think she wants me to try and enjoy my holidays and then make decisions when it's all done. She wants me to leave him because of all of this. She is very supportive.

And he does have a very explosive temper. I know if I put up a fuss he will get mad. I've gotten into a bad place where I shut up and not say anything to keep him quiet. He is very much like a 15yr old in a 44 yr old man ... He has worn me down and I can't do it anymore.


Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
avicarswife
Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Honey I am so sorry you are here and that you are hurting.

There is a good book by Dr Shirley Glass called Not Just Friends, it might be good for you to read.

Are you sure this is not a PA as well?
EA often do go that way over after time.

I wouldn't be going camping with her and I would NOT be ok with my partner going without me.


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 21 - 23 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 705 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
iammine
New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I have absolutely no proof it's gone PA ... If they have, they do not refer to it in text.


Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
iammine
New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

She said she was at the park tonight, he said he wished he was there. I hate him.

Another concern... Both her and him have been very nasty and vindictive toward others in the past. Even his mother is like that. This last blow up had his mother telling him to kick me out and the OW texting him every 20 minutes to see what was going on with our situation.

[This message edited by iammine at 9:42 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]


Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

(((iammmine)))

Your WH is in an EA and possibly a PA, but either way the damage done in the end is the same and the same actions are required to stop it.

My husband had an EA with an old "friend" and it came within a hair's width of killing our marriage. I get where you are coming from with this. Dealing with an EA really does a number on your head because a lot people don't see how crippling it is.

Follow the 180. Lay down your boundaries and stick to them.

He has to end this A and cut off all contact with her. Any lingering "friendship" will only allow the fantasy and the cheap squishy feelings to continue. It will choke off your marriage until there's nothing left.

Below are some links to threads that were very helpful to me, along with some newer ones that I think you could benefit from.

When you are ready to confront him, have a clear game plan formed. Know exactly what you expect him to do if you want to work through this with him and don't negotiate. Boundaries are key.

I'm so sorry.


Recommended Threads


Tactical Primer:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051


Boundaries and Consequences 101:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631


Setting Healthy Boundaries:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231851


Before You Say Reconcile:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548


Understanding the 180:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785


Great Posts for Newbies to Read:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740


Emotional Detachment: What is it? How is it accomplished?
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=459284


Codependency in the Marriage: A BS’s common mistake
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=408443


20/20 Hindsight: What I Should Have Done When I JFO
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=446349


How to Confront
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=472128


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Eudaimonia
Member
Member # 32445
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

((((iammine))))

What everyone has said is excellent advice. At the very least, read the Shirley Glass book.

One time he asked her if she liked when he talked to her like that. She said she lets him talk that to her to keep him "clean" for ME!

Without knowing all the details of the situation-this leads me to think that maybe their relationship is PA instead of just EA.
Be prepared for the worst-and what Fighting said is crucial:

Know exactly what you expect him to do if you want to work through this with him and don't negotiate. Boundaries are key.

Boundaries.


So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Posts: 472 | Registered: Jun 2011
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Are you afraid that he may physically harm you if you talk to him about his affair? iammine please be careful to guard yourself if this is true. He can't keep doing this to you because he is being emotionally abusive to you and you deserve better.

You need to get this OW out of your life one way or another. I agree you need to do a 180.

My heart goes out to you as my husband had an EA and I'm preaty sure that he's had a PA as well.

Take care,


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
stillhere09
Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, June 9th (Sunday)


First of all, respond to her facebook message to you. Tell her plainly that this trip is for you and your partner only because the two of you need some time alone. Anyone would understand this. Don't discuss it with your partner first. Just tell her that and see what happens. See if she objects and see if your partner objects.

If she objects, they are either in a PA or else in an EA and she wants it to become a PA. If he objects, they are either in a PA or else in an EA and he wants it to become a PA.

As for him going to her house while you are at work -- I'm sorry to say it, but as far as I'm concerned, there's your proof that it's a PA right there.

Your mom says ignore her and go anyway? Ask yourself, though, which would make you the most miserable, going and being tormented throughout the entire vacation or putting your foot down that she not go.

His comment about not telling her to go because it's a public place is very telling. Yes, it's a public place, but if she knows you want it to be a vacation for you and your partner, there could only be one reason for her to go, and that is to spoil it for you because she wants him. He knows this. To me, if he stands his ground on her going, that would be enough to tell him to go with her. Then you can take your son and go elsewhere for a camping trip. You'll enjoy it a lot more. Once you get home, pack his stuff, set it outside and be done with him. You know he lied to you about her guessing about the camping trip. You know he told her. Why would he lie about it unless they were in an affair?

Your mom may be trying to help, but it is impossible for anyone to understand what you're going through unless they've gone through it themselves. It isn't as easy as ignoring her or waiting until the end of summer to do something about it. It sounds like she doesn't realize that for you to tolerate this situation for the summer would make you miserable. If she realized it, she would give you different advice, but she just can't understand. For you to tolerate this would only wear you down further, and by the end of summer, you wouldn't have the gumption left to do anything. You would be in a state of depression. Don't let that happen.

And he does have a very explosive temper. I know if I put up a fuss he will get mad. I've gotten into a bad place where I shut up and not say anything to keep him quiet. He is very much like a 15yr old in a 44 yr old man ... He has worn me down and I can't do it anymore.

So what if he gets mad?! You have to come to a deliberate decision that you do not care if he gets mad.
This is emotional abuse. Getting angry is a way to manipulate you into doing what he wants. In this case, he wants you to keep quiet and just be happy watching him cheat on you. Don't let him wear you down.

You don't have to get mad at him to confront him. Simply tell him calmly that you know he's in an affair and you want him gone. Simple as that. No arguing, no theatrics, just gone. His response will shock you.

Is he physically abusive to you?

If so, it's needless to say that you need to get away from him now for good. If not, when he gets mad, it is not true anger you're seeing and hearing. It's a show, put on as a control tactic, to control your actions. Don't let him get away with it. You need to get firm and tell him it's over now and tell him straight up that you are not afraid of his anger. If you are not ready to end it with him, at least stand your ground about the two of them going No Contact in any way, shape or form.

You can't control him or what he does with her. You can control your response to it. Give him an ultimatum and be ready to stand by it.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
Undec1ded
New Member
Member # 39366
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

Thanks for those useful threads FightingtoSurvive!


Original DD: 12/25/11
COM: 1 under 1

Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Undec1ded
iammine
New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

I'm confused... If I am not to reveal my sources, what do I present him with if I only have text messages? What do I tell him if I don't want him to know I've read all texts.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
stillhere09
Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, June 9th (Sunday)


It's very simple. When he wants to know how you know, say, "I do not reveal my sources."

If he guesses, say, "I do not reveal my sources."

You can end up sounding like a broken record. It's ok.

You can do the same thing when/if you tell him it's over. "It's over and I want you gone."

This allows no arguing, no chance of him trying to gaslight you or make excuses. It's a way to gain strength and power.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

Following up on stillhere's post (which is right on point):

Doing it this way also keeps you from getting off topic and keeps the focus on his behavior, not how you found out. It will help you redirect the conversation, and it's good practice for using boundaries (what you will and will not do).

Furthermore, by not telling your sources you make it unlikely that he will know how to cover his behavior if he tries to keep the A going.


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
iammine
New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

Oh this is great....

He asked her this morning how she was. She said she was frustrated that she didn't have smokes and gas. We are former smokers and he said... I'll help you out!


ITS MY MONEY!!! HE ISN'T WORKING!!!!

And she said " Awwwwww you are so sweet!"


Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
stillhere09
Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 9th (Sunday)


That would do it for me. Why would you want to support a couple of cheaters either financially or emotionally?

You are worth much more than this!

I'd tell her, sorry, but I am not willing to supply you with gas and cigarettes. Kick him the hell out of there and then let him explain to her why he suddenly can't help her out!

He is a user. I'm sorry if I sound harsh. It's just that you can do so much better.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
iammine
New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, June 10th (Monday)

She came into my work today and when I saw her come in I bailed and went into the back. I knew she would come over to me and be all sugary sweet and I thought I may have lost my temper.

But then I've rehearsed in my mind what I was going to say about camping.

I don't feel very strong or confident today.


Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
iammine
New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

~sighs~

I can't believe how much they have increased their visits since our huge fight ... everyday, sometimes twice a day. He got short term work so he will leave and go see her and come home. He got this work because of MY boss. OW even said she would stop by where he is working to say hi.


Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

OMG!!
You must be going crazy Iammine!!

Please spend some time getting your ducks in a row, SI talk for knowing your rights and speaking and perhaps retaining a lawyer...checking your accounts...closing your joint ccards, stuff like that.

Do what is best for you. You need to look after yourself. Since he is busy helping his 'friend'!

Ditch this ner-do-well guy. How dare he spend your cash on this twit!

I know that you know that this is more than a EA. Right?!?

I know that sounds harsh. I don't mean to rub it in, I just want to say things plainly. This shit is so intense, that sometimes reality warps and we make excuses or try to minimize the situation to ourselves because the pain is so searing...I am so sorry that your are going through this.

Please protect yourself and your heart.

He needs the 'hefty bag on the curb' treatment.

Ditch and detach. UGH!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1137 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

What the term is I don't know, but this mirrors Perv's behavior. He tells everyone what they want to hear and then I hear something entirely different from his lawyer, which is where it really counts. And they are huge life-altering issues. It's part of what finally pushed me to make the decision to file.

I get the impression that it really means something like "go away". He doesn't want to be held accountable for a darn thing but makes choices in life that drastically affect other's lives and I sniff that about your partner.

FWIW, our relationship was 20 years and he and OW wrecked it.

In no way would an OW of any kind be let any time with my family. I can't understand that part, Fighting. To me it's fuel for the fire, so to speak and gives them a chance to be around each other, almost like permission or something...I don't like it.

I can't tell from your post if there's a hidden PA, but I would be intolerant of Perv telling another woman those things. You don't have to let it keep happening-it's not fair to you.

I have to agree with StillHere, as this behavior from your partner is just too much like Perv.

I wish you well, Iammine and hope you won't put up with it for long.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1955 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

P.S. The fights are common when a WH or wayward partner might be trying to get up courage to leave.

Perv used to make fights and then stomp out.

Where do you think he went?

C'mon Iamime, you sound just like I used to be and I worry for you. I didn't listen to people and I got really, really messed up.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1955 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

99% of the time, it's defenitely MORE than an EA. Sorry, sweetie. Your situation doesn't sound good. I think you know the answer, it's just a matter of time before you get fed up. :(


Me-BW 35. STBXH-35,active alcoholic, suspected NPD SA. 2 little boys. M 6yrs T13.
Year+ false R & TT from Dday1 Nov 2012 IEA - Feb 2014 count at 10 OW PA's 1LTA (all W lied to) for 3 years that I know of.
Filed for D.

Posts: 816 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
iammine
New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Thank you once again for the support. I am going to be brutally honest about my life. Its time I start to deal with everything. There are a few swears, I do

apologize in advance...

I've been with my partner for 17 yrs. We are NOT legally married because he doesn't "feel like it".

We have 4 children. My eldest daughter has hooked up with a guy who is 11 yrs older, who has 4 kids with 4 different women who he pays no support to. They have been

together over a year and our daughter is well aware that we do not approve but we support her the best we can. We advised her, or more like I begged her not to get

pregnant. I was hoping the relationship would end rather quickly but she informed the family that she is 4 months pregnant. She is beyond over the moon happy but

with his track record I do not think this is not going to end well. Emotionally my daughter is not ready to be a mother, especially not a single mother.

Our son is a wayward soul and it breaks my heart. As soon as he hit high school he got into drugs and skipped school and ran away from home and is now living with

some girlfriend and her parents. This is where my partner really excelled in parenting. He always went to bat for our son. He was the one pleading to give our son

just one more chance. He was the one that would call the police to try and get some sort of help for him but it didn't work. I hope he is alright, I miss him so very

much. He needs to be in rehab but there are no free programs without a waiting list of a year.

Then we have twin daughters. They seem to be typical teenagers and don't cause any real problems. They are going into high school next year and it scares me.

My partner has an issue with not wanting to work. In 17 yrs, he has worked 3yrs. He has a sense of self entitlement. For some reason he does not feel that he needs

to work. But the worst part is that his mother thinks that is okay. She will give him money anytime that he wants it. She will pay our rent, etc. I ask him what is

going to happen when she passes on, what is he going to do in his old age? I have a stellar work record. I've never been fired and have had 2 jobs in 10 years and

I've worked one way or another since I've been 14 yrs old. My current position I've been at for 5 yrs and I have never had a sick day, I suck it up and go in. I

teach my children good work ethics and my partner does not!!! Its sad!

My partner is not a supportive person. He hasn't said that he loves for 8 or more years. He will hug me to lead into sex. No birthday gifts, no Christmas gifts, no

picked flowers, nothing. He won't go out of his way to even make me a coffee, but I have to stratch his back after my 9 hour shift. 6 years ago, I made the worst

mistake of my life. I had a EA with someone who had been my friend for over 25 yrs. It moved into a PA, I was physical with him maybe twice when I needed to end it

and I told my partner. As much as I show him I am remorseful and I feel extremely guilty he will rub it into my face every chance he gets. He has told complete

strangers, people who have never met me that I cheated on him. He has told single female friends that I cheated on him. I explained to him the reason why I did it

was that he told me I was beautiful and he would treat me so wonderfully. That was the only reason. I wanted to feel loved. I so regret it. And I can't get over the

guilt that I feel.

The OW is a single mom who has had a hard life. Her mom committed suicide and unfortunately she found her mom's body. She has 2 sons with 2 different dads. She

likes to cause drama and shit on Facebook. She will drag anyone's name around if you get into it with her. I don't ever know who she is trashing on Facebook but I

can't help but feel sorry for them. She has a lot of trouble with her eldest son. Last summer when our sons went camping with us, she told me that she raised a

hammer above her head and threatened her son because he was mouthing her off. I was speechless. I just walked off. I've never seen her in a stable relationship and

likes to say on Facebook that she doesn't take seconds or other women's men. Whatthefuckever!

As I mentioned I am getting all incoming and outgoing texts from his phone. Obviously he does not know this but I did share that I received one of his messages to her

by mistake. The message was sent on Mother's Day and he told her that she was the sexiest, hottest mom that he knows. Wow, ruin my day!!! So, I asked him about it

and he threw my A into my face. Basically since I did what I did, he has a free pass to do whatever he wants.

He tells her that she is pretty. I get nothing. He encourages her and when I triple my commission in a month, I get "yeah, great"

Plus, he disappointed me greatly when after 5 mths of planning a trip he says he isn't going because his mom said we shouldn't. This trip was on my bucketlist. I

made a dream a reality and he fucked it up for me.

He goes and sees her everyday. He texts her all day long and tells her exactly what is going on. She will ask. He will heavily flirt with her. She will say

nothing. There has never been any sex talk between them. Example, ohhh baby you were amazing. Nothing like that.

My immediate concerns...

I have booked 2 weeks off of work. One week in July and one in August. The week in July, we go camping while our girls go to a sleepover camp. This time is very

important to me. I do nothing but drink, hike and chill out for a week and not worry about anything. This is the time OW came down last year with her sons. This year

it appears she has invited herself to camp with us. She has no reason to be there, our sons are no longer friends. Our time in August is more family when our girls

camp with us for a week. I don't know what to do. I deserve this time. I do not take any other vacation time throughout the year.

My twins are starting high school in a few months. How is this going to mess them up at an already stressful time for them. Everyone wants a seperation or divorce to

be as painless for the children as possible.

His mom is very opinionated. She exclaimed that my daughter should have had an abortion. Holy hell, I was speechless. So was he. My concern is that when this all

comes to light, she will laugh it off. An EA? What silliness!!! She would tell him to tell me to quit fussing. Or, she will get nasty and tell him to kick me out

and take the kids and she will pay the lawyer. How can I go up against that? My mom does say that I have the upperhand because I know whats going on and have proof.

So, can you see why I'm tired? His mom, himself and OW has finally broken me down.

I ranted a bit... thanks for reading



Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
iammine
New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

People have asked whether he is physically abusive, absolutely not! Like I said in a previous post, he is more like a 15 yr old boy in a 44 yr old man's body. Temper tantrums and he always have to have the final word.


Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Im not quite sure why you think this is NOT a PA? I know,you said you've not seen her respond to his flirting..but she encourages it..she asks him for time ,attention,and money..and he gives it freely. He shows very little interest in you or your well being,and is down right abusive in the way he talks to you and the disrespect he shows you. He is putting this woman before you..and he is doing it right in front of you.

The camping trip? Tonight after work,go to her house. Knock on her door and tell her she is not invited. That you find her "friendship" with your husband highly inappropriate and you are not ok with them talking to each other anymore. Then go home and tell your husband you know about his affair(dont reveal how..or how much you know)..tell him you've told his "friend" you will no longer tolerate her presence in your lives..and then tell him if she shows up on the camping trip,you will pack up and leave..and he can go with her..Im so pissed of for you right now!!


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6623 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
hopingforhappy
Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

iammine, you deserve so much better than this. If a friend told you this story about her relationship, what would your advice to her be? Your WS is not sorry about what he is doing and he is not going to stop without some strong action on your part. You are clearly a strong and dependable woman. Use that to your advantage. This stops when you say it stops. It really is that simple. If he wants a free pass, give it to him, along with his walking papers. He does not have the upper hand here, you do. He can go live with mama.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 19 years
DS-18, DD-14
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1222 | Registered: Aug 2010
MrsDoubtfire
Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

You both need counselling. You clearly hadn't put the groundwork in after your A and it sounds like he's held it against you all this time.

What he is doing is wrong and I suspect they both know they are going to end up sleeping together if they aren't already.

But, what you did was wrong too and there are no excuses for an A even when your spouse refuses to get a job ... that isn't an excuse; that's just a permission slip!!


If he tells people ( strangers even) about your A he is punishing you and there's no reconciliation in this relationship.

It's going nowhere as it stands and he is using your A as an excuse to keep you "where (he thinks) you belong" which (to him) is brow beaten and keeping him.

Confront the ow and tell her you have evidence that indicates she is in a relationship with your husband and that, if she doesn't back off, you'll name her in every lawyers letter if you ever decide to divorce.


Why are your and her sons no longer friends? Is it since your son left home? Or is it because perhaps the boys know more about what's been going on with your husband and the ow than you do??

Whatever the texts say- your ow might JUST be clever enough to tell your husband not to send incriminating texts and may know that if she doesn't reply to saucy ones she can maintain the air of innocence!

My FWH convinced me he was in an EA!! Turns out it was almost 3 years of f***ing!!

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 8:02 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1528 | Registered: Jul 2009
Rise And Shine
Member
Member # 27513
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

The people who don't want to be accountable for their own actions tend to gravitate towards the people who handout free passes. It's the law of nature.

Lady, you got deep pockets full of free passes and you generously pass them out to everyone, including yourself.


April 25, 2009

Posts: 3263 | Registered: Feb 2010
iammine
New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

What free pass have I given myself?

Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
JustDone
Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

iammine, I'm a madhatter, too. One affair does not give someone a free pass to injure the other. I also recommend you get yourself into counseling in order to stand up for yourself, learn to forgive yourself and move on - either with or without your partner.

There is also a thread here for madhatters:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=450232

You don't have to put up with this.


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2763 | Registered: Feb 2006
Rise And Shine
Member
Member # 27513
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

What free pass have I given myself?

If people in your life are shitting on you it's because you give them a free pass to do so. In order for you to give the people in your life a free pass to shit on you, you first have to give yourself a free pass from being accountable for your own emotional wellbeing by not defining and enforcing your personal boundaries.


April 25, 2009

Posts: 3263 | Registered: Feb 2010
iammine
New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

I get it.. Yes, definately too many free passes.

I went for counseling after my A and did everything my partner asked. I stopped going because he would tease me by asking if I was going to see the "crazy doctor" . And there is nooooo way in hell he would ever step into IC or MC ... I'm going back. The downfall is there is a 3 mth waiting list but at least I have an appointment.

The boys are no longer friends because OW's son basically got tired of my sons behavior and told him to take a hike. They did a lot of shit together but OW's son took responsibility and grew up.


Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
iammine
New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

I'm so frustrated I could cry... I was looking at my work schedule and I have to work 6 9 hour shifts in a row. It's very early shifts and I lose a lot of sleep and it kills me. I said to him it's going to be hard getting through these shifts and he said "yeah well..."

Jerk!!!!!!


Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
JustDone
Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

((((iammine))))

I might have missed it, but why isn't he working?


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2763 | Registered: Feb 2006
iammine
New Member
Member # 39461
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I don't know... He is lazy and his mom supports him. I've asked IC the same question and they are stumped as to why a grown man is so self entitled that he doesn't feel the need to support his family.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 42