User Topic: Underwear proof?
Member # 39117
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, June 7th (Friday)

This may sound silly, but are underwear stains reliable clues to another A going on? And what about distraction, as in, my FWS comes home from work and for the first 5 to 10 minutes in the door he will stand at the kitchen counter and look through various flyers that have arrived in the mail or even just look through any of my to do lists that are there. He will do this before he really even talks to me, and I have noticed lately that he is averting his eyes when he comes in the door. But these things are only for the first 5 to 10 minutes and then he will give me a kiss or hug and talk. Am I being too worried, or is this common?

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, June 7th (Friday)

I can't comment on the underware, but I can on the distraction. I used to work a pretty stressful job and I needed to destress when I got home. I needed 10-15 minutes of alone time when I first walked in the door before I faced the family issues. My family knew to let me go upstairs and change my clothes and decompress for a bit they talked to me. I would take my time to change, lay on the bed for a few minutes and prepare myself for the trouble and news of the families day.

Fortuneately, I now have a less stressful job and I don't need that time now.

Maybe that is what your FWS is doing.

D-Day 1: Feb 1990
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49, fWW 43 (Amibroken)
OP- Police Chief (Age 37)
M 25 Yrs, 3 Kids (17, 14, 11)
I initated the relationship at the Railway Tavern, she tried to end it at Scrap Tavern

Posts: 489 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
Member # 39117
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, June 7th (Friday)

I wish you were right, but he doesn't de-stress standing up at the counter when he walks in...I mean this is before he says much at all, and he is supposed to be doing all in his power to reconcile after an 18 month averting his eyes was what he did before, he'd actually walk in from 2 or 3 days away and not even look into my face when he got home, not even say hello. I am worried...

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, June 7th (Friday)

My husband didn't look me in the eye when he came home when he was having an affair. Regardless, your spouse isn't engaged in the recovery and isn't providing the effort you need. You can address that on its own. But I would probably be pretty vigilant.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6545 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, June 7th (Friday)

You can purchase kits online that will tell you if it's semen on the underwear.

But, I wouldn't say it's proof of an A - men tend to masterbate.

The diverting attention could be he needs to unwind as well.

ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.

Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, June 7th (Friday)

Have you asked him about the lack of attention in a non accusatory way?

Honest open communication is the key.

BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2628 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 39117
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, June 7th (Friday)

I don't want to ask him about this, because I don't want to alert him in any way that I may suspect another return to the OW. I have a gut feeling that he's seeing her again, even though he denies this constantly. His answers aren't forceful enough, quite often just "I don't want her. I don't need her" I keep feeling that maybe the 3rd chance was such a stupid decision....I live with constant distrust of him, no matter what he says or does. It's the gut thing that is the strongest, though. To his credit, he does want the R, and has been really great to me in so many ways, but....well you all know.

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, June 7th (Friday)

Both of those would be red flags to me. There actually is a member here who found evidence of her husband cheating by the stains in his underwear. As for trying to explain it by saying that men masturbate, I say masturbating while out & about during the day is unacceptable behavior.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9817 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 39170
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, June 7th (Friday)

I was one person who sent in my WH boxers. They couldn't confirm 100% as-in lock solid in court, but there was a third person on there besides my WH and I

As you can see from my sig, I was right, though it took him months to actually admit to it. So yeah, the two things together would definitely make me suspicious.

Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (31)
Married 3 years.
Confessed to PA April 21 2013.

DS (6), DS (18 months)

Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".

Status: Done like dinner

Posts: 277 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The frozen North, eh?
Topic Posts: 9