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User Topic: Social event with xAPs BW
Eponine
New Member
Member # 39367
Stop  Posted: 9:49 PM, June 7th (Friday)

Just found out that xAP's BW will be attending a baby shower later this month for a mutual friend...
It's a "Meet the Baby" shower and moms and daughters are invited. I RSVPd weeks ago to attend with my three daughters (12, 15, 18) all of whom know about my A.

Advice?
Comments?



Actively R

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, June 7th (Friday)

How does your husband feel about it?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6219 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, June 7th (Friday)

It would be kind of you to not go. You can call and rescind your RSVP. You might be able to arrange another time for you and your DD's to meet with this friend and her baby.

eta: spelling

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 1:50 AM, June 8th (Saturday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9628 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Eponine
New Member
Member # 39367
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, June 7th (Friday)

My husband is absolutely ok with it.

[This message edited by Eponine at 11:47 PM, June 7th (Friday)]



Actively R

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
Done_withThePain
Member
Member # 34273
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, June 7th (Friday)

No stop sign so here's what I think- do you really want to put your children in that kind of situation where even if they know- other kids can be cruel and if any of them over hear anything from one of the adults they might say something to your kids- I just don't think it's a responsible thing to do

Posts: 80 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: AZ
Eponine
New Member
Member # 39367
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, June 7th (Friday)

The invites came via an online invitation site, you know, where you can see who's invited and who's attending and who's not. That's how I found out she's coming...I'd gone to sign up to bring an additional potluck dish when I saw her recent RSVP.

[This message edited by Eponine at 11:45 PM, June 7th (Friday)]



Actively R

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, June 7th (Friday)

Does who RSVPd first have any bearing on this?

Are you asking if there is a formalized social convention or etiquette regarding how these situations are handled, or are you pretty sure of what people will say is the right thing to do and attempting to bargain?


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, June 7th (Friday)

Don't go. Send your regrets anod arrange another meet the baby time with your kids.

Please, how your husband feels about this is important, but not the only consideration. Being there is cruel to your APs BW, and it's potentially devastating to your kids and to her kids.

Let go of what you *want* to do, and do what's RIGHT instead.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 863 | Registered: Sep 2012
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, June 7th (Friday)

Does who RSVPd first have any bearing on this?
What are you going to do? Call the hostess and ask who RSVP'd first?

Let me put it to you this way. I'm a FWW. If I was in your shoes, I would absolutely not go to the event. Doesn't matter who did what first. Out of respect, I would step back.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6219 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, June 7th (Friday)

You and your family seem to have a turf war going on with the FAP and his BW. I really don't understand what kind of support you are looking for.

I get that your FAP is a douche, but you opened the door for this by having the A. There are consequences. If you are hoping that his BW will quietly acquiesce to your presence in the community, you're going to have to think again.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20139 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, June 7th (Friday)

I sense that you feel little or no remorse toward the BW of your AP. Why is that?


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1732 | Registered: Nov 2010
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

Eponine, why did you go back and edit your posts to remove a statement that 2 members challenged you on?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7994 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
littleal
New Member
Member # 37702
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

First, Your BH must be one amazing man. Be proud of that guy.

Your AP's BW is not playing nice. But, what can you expect?
Some people are stronger than others. As in other posts, can you let her dictate your life?
To move on, maybe you need to move on. Someone will have to budge... you need to be the strong one.


gone where no man has a right to go

Posts: 2 | Registered: Dec 2012
Eponine
New Member
Member # 39367
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

"First, Your BH must be one amazing man. Be proud of that guy."

He is amazing. I am incredibly blessed. I'm proud of him and grateful to be his wife.

Your AP's BW is not playing nice. But, what can you expect?
Some people are stronger than others. As in other posts, can you let her dictate your life?
To move on, maybe you need to move on. Someone will have to budge... you

Thank you. I appreciate your perspective.



Actively R

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 1:56 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

Your AP's BW is not playing nice.
I say it would be kind of you to not go, and you ignore. I don't even see here where, in this post, where BW isn't "playing nice". Maybe because you edited.

But, now that littleal basically tells you that the BW is being a bitch and you need to be better than her by being the strong one, you like his perspective? *shaking head*

I agree that you don't sound very remorseful and somehow you think you shouldn't have to suffer any consequences.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9628 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
DeadMumWalking
Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

Comment: it sounds to me like you really don't 'get it'. You're going to do whatever you want.

If I were at an event where OW also attended, I would be nauseous, probably have a panic attack, have to figure out a way to get out of there with a minimum of embarrassment or drama.

Is that what you want to do to her?


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2583 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

The choice to edit the content of your post provides a much clearer answer than any response to the question could. There is a post by uncertainone titled Dry Adultery Part Deux currently on the first page that you may find uncomfortably insightful.

A few questions to ponder for you (keep in mind that the only fair most of us see in life is the State Fair):

Did the xAP's BW participate in or cause the A?
Is it fair that the xAP's BW should have to suffer extra disruptions in her life due to the A, or should she be the one to suffer extra consequences because of it?
If yes to the above, would you say the same thing about your BH?

If I were at an event where OW also attended, I would be nauseous, probably have a panic attack, have to figure out a way to get out of there with a minimum of embarrassment or drama.

Is that what you want to do to her?


You are coming across as though this is a non issue to you. Not sure it is fair to conclude so at this point, but that is the impression you are leaving.

I can tell you that there is no upside for you if you both attend. I recently had a social event where STBXW's xAP showed up. The evening was much better for me than him despite my doing nothing, but I am a long way out, early on and it would have been even worse for him.

Send your regrets, or have an emergency come up, or whatever other excuse you want to make, but don't go.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
FinallyHappy
Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

Both her threads sound to me like her BH does not want his family's activities dictated by her AP (who thinks he's rather a bigshot locally).

Ep's town has a gym, with a pool. She and her daughter use the gym. Her bigshot XAP's family uses the pool. XAP's town also has a pool, but they choose to use the gym in Ep's town......because??? That's probably not going to fly with a judge if the AP and his wife try to get a restraining order, which apparently her AP threatened her BH with.

If what you, Eponine, say is true about the invites being online and all...then the BW accepted quite a while after you accepted, knowing you'll be there? I'd avoid *that* like a plaque. It sounds to me like they're trying to start something or set you up.

I think your BH needs to make clear to your AP that he will be exposed unless HE backs off.

I'm smelling testosterone, not estrogen. And why the heck does it seem like your H is so intimidated by someone who screwed his wife? I think *he* needs to set down some laws to Mr. Bigshot.

JMO.

PS - Oh, and the best thing you can do until the dick-measuring is over is stay FAR, FAR away from all of them.

SM -

I don't even see here where, in this post, where BW isn't "playing nice". Maybe because you edited.

No. You'd have to take the time to read and digest both of her threads (not posts).

To me, it sounds like her AP is dictating the 'laws' to her BH, who somehow feels subservient to her AP.

I rather doubt that the BW is driving this bullshit. She's complaining to 'it' (the OM), and he's trying to dictate the 'rules' to Ep's BH.

Not cool, IMO.

IMO, her BH has as many rights and expectations as the BW. He has as much right not to see or deal with 'it's' family, as her AP's BW does.

DMW:

Comment: it sounds to me like you really don't 'get it'. You're going to do whatever you want.

It sounds to me like she's trying to do what her BH wants.

Unfortunately, it's going to take her BH to lay the law down. I hope he does.

Okay, so am I totally off base here? Tell me if I am.


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7334 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

Turf wars and RSVP order aside...

Think of the lady with the baby! It really isn't about you or the AP's BW. It really and honestly is not about this affair at all. Its about celebrating a new life and an expanded family. You know, if you were talking about a girls night out where you were both invited...fine, you have options there to weigh, turf to defend, whatever.

Not here. If anything - anything at all - were to erupt there...even noticeable tension it creates a sideshow. That's on you. And, I would even say its on the AP's BW. Put your friend with the baby first. She's most important on this day, in this event. Stay away.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
FinallyHappy
Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

Yep. What a great post, RM.

Hopefully *both* couples get that.


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7334 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
Hope24
Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

I hear what you''re saying, FH. This may well be a pissing contest instigated by the OM. Something very similar occurred between my now exBH and the OM as well.

However, it''s only a short time since d-day. The couples were close friends. IMHO, respect should be shown to the BW. Avoiding social situations at this point seems both prudent and empathetic to the double betrayal that the BW experienced.

Re-establishing one''s turf can and should occur in time. Two short months since d-day seems awfully soon (and unkind) to me.

Just my .02 from someone who lived this situation.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7605 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

I'm trying to be circumspect here but a few things strike me.

1. The signature which appeared on your previous posts indicated that dday was less than a month ago. (ETA. Miscalculated - 2 months ago).

2. You XAP and BH seem to have come to some kind of agreement but I see nothing about your XAP's BW being calm about the sich.

3. You and your BH seem to have settled to some degree. I don't understand how but from what you've said this appears to be the case.

4. A month out from dday I was a wreck. I also live in a small town and saw both OW2 and OW3 in the local mall several times within a couple of weeks of dday. To say this was upsetting would be an understatement of mammoth proportions.

5. I wonder do you have any empathy for the BW?

6. It appears you are now able to move on with your life. (Apart from the inconvenience of changing your days at the gym and your time to go to church). You are very fortunate.

[This message edited by Laura28 at 7:57 AM, June 8th (Saturday)]


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2748 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

FinallyHappy, you are right I didn't read her other thread. Most of the time I don't go and read posters other threads for the background info, I go by what is posted in the thread I am responding to. I do, however, most of the time, look at a person's profile page for some background info. None there.

That doesn't change the fact that I don't see where the "BW isn't playing nice."( I did read the other thread now.) And, it doesn't change the fact that it would be kind all the way around for everyone if Eponine doesn't go to the shower. Is it fair? I don't know, but I do know it isn't fair to fuck someone else's husband.

I agree that the MOM sounds like a real "bully" basically. And, they are wrong to not go to the closest gym/rec center (MOM & BW), although they may have just as good reasons for what they do as does Eponine. I don't know why the BW would want to put herself in that position.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9628 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
FinallyHappy
Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

I hear you, Hope.

Avoiding social situations at this point seems both prudent and empathetic to the double betrayal that the BW experienced.

Oh, I totally agree. :) She should not *evah* be in the same airspace. :)

But at what point does the BH become 'as important'? I just get the feeling that her BH wants 'her' to be the one to stand up to 'them' instead of him.

That's my problem with the whole thing.

She's rather caught in a catch22.


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7334 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 8:06 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

BS's...please note that the stop sign has been added and this thread is now closed off to WS only replies.

Also, it's not that any of you did anything wrong, we Mods just feel that this is a very triggery topic and we'd rather not flag any of you.

Thank you.

HI FH and Hope!!!!

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 8:07 AM, June 8th (Saturday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197661 | Registered: May 2002
FinallyHappy
Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

That doesn't change the fact that I don't see where the "BW isn't playing nice."( I did read the other thread now.) And, it doesn't change the fact that it would be kind all the way around for everyone if Eponine doesn't go to the shower. Is it fair? I don't know, but I do know it isn't fair to fuck someone else's husband.

I agree. I just think she's kinda caught in between her BH and her reality right now.

Should she go? Of course not.

I'd rather her BH punched Mr. Big shot in the throat.


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7334 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
Hope24
Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

FH
DS


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7605 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
FinallyHappy
Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

HI FH and Hope!!!!

Hi love(s)!

~~~~~~~
T/J:

DS, I know I owe you a PM.

Bad stuff happened with Matti last summer right after we were talking. He's okay!!! Rather miraculous! Then Daddy died. I'm just sort of 'getting back'. :)

End T/J!

~~~~~~


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7334 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

(((FH)))

You know I'm always here for you...whenever you're ready to talk


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197661 | Registered: May 2002
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

sorry! I cross-posted with the stop sign.

[This message edited by solus sto at 8:53 AM, June 8th (Saturday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8659 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
FinallyHappy
Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

I do.

I've known you for, what? 14(?) years now?

Quite frankly, I've known you longer than I've known anyone else. Including Don. He thinks that's rather cool.

It's just hard when people start dying, as I know you know because of your mom.

I'm coming around.

Your pool is absolutely gorgeous, and MH rocks as always.

~~~~~~

Must apologize to the rest of you. I really don't do 'PM's' well.

It must be a boundary thing.


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7334 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

Tell Don I said HI!

Isn't it funny how far back we go? I think it's wonderful

I'm really sorry about the loss of your dad, I truly understand what you're going through. The void is huge.

(((FH)))


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197661 | Registered: May 2002
Eponine
New Member
Member # 39367
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

To all:
I'm grateful for each person's reply.

I'm still learning how to post and reply here, and haven't figured out how to respond to individual posts.

I've gotta take our DD to rowing, then will come back to read all the thread and reply.




Actively R

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

Why'd you delete/edit your posts out? Don't like being called to the rug?

Look, doesn't really matter if your husband is the Archangel Michael and he's totally cool with you frolicking at every social event in the county. You still owe the AP's BS courtesy and kindness. You did after all, fuck her husband...

This seems to be a giant pissing contest complete with foot stomping and, "Mine. I was here fiiiiiirst." Even if the AP is a complete douchebag, you still owe the AP's BS respect.

Why do you not care about the other BS? Why do her feelings not come into the equation?

Do you think she deserves to be betrayed? Do you think she somehow deserves for this to be her life?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6219 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
JustDone
Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

Eponine, do you still want to go, knowing that BW will be there?

Not what do your kids want, or your BH wants, or xAP wants, or your mutual new-mother friend wants - even what the BW wants.

What do you want to do?

I think I'd rather have stuck pins in my eyes the first few months after D'day than be near BW. I wouldn't have known at all what to say and how to say it.

She (understandably) hasn't forgiven you, is terribly hurt and still furious if she wants a restraining order filed because you are going to your own (pre-A) gym.

How would you deal with being in the same room with her? Ignore her? Wave a little 'hello' across the room? Say you're sorry at the buffet table? Take it out to the backyard? Think about it.

I fear this will blow up. I just don't see how being in the same room right now is going to help anyone: kids, guests, BW, baby, mutual friends, you, etc...


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2785 | Registered: Feb 2006
UnexpectedSong
Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

Eponine - I think it's ok to go. Your BH thinks it's ok. The BW RSVPed knowing you were going. There are no surprises.

Take the BW's lead in how to behave: engage in conversation if she seeks you out, etc. Just be prepared to leave if she wants you to leave.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6094 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Eponine,

Since you BH has no issue if you go I think it's entirely up to you and what you are comfortable with....also maybe ask your daughters what they would like to do and how they feel about it.
If the BW wife knows you are going to be there and still said she is going to go, she must be ok with it to a certain extent.

My situation is similar to yours because like it or not, I still see my xAP and his BW (although she doesn't know) on a regular basis. It's very uncomfortable, but in some situations (both professional and social) I think people need to just suck it up and deal with it....just because you will be in the same place doesn't mean you will have to talk to each other.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 835 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I think it's ok to go. Your BH thinks it's ok. The BW RSVPed knowing you were going. There are no surprises.

I agree with this...but also be prepared for the possibility that the BW is setting you up to cause a scene or publicly call you out/humiliate you in front of your other mutual friends.

How do your daughters feel about going?


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled and remarried.


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I went to a baby shower for a mutual friend of mine and OP about 2 months after DDay. OP was single, so a little different.

I went because I wanted to see OP. I was hoping my BH would go and I was hoping for a confrontation between them.

My BH, mature that he is, opted out.

I went. OP ignored me. I felt like a douche.

I made it all about me. It was not about supporting my friend. I was being a shitty friend.

What's my point?

Be honest about your motivations for going. Unless this is your best friend having a baby shower, I have a sneaking suspicion that your intent on going is related to a desire for drama.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1973 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Eponine
New Member
Member # 39367
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

OK, FINALLY on a PC which is easier to use for replies than the iPad...I am going to try to address various comments.

"If what you, Eponine, say is true about the invites being online and all...then the BW accepted quite a while after you accepted, knowing you'll be there? I'd avoid *that* like a plague. It sounds to me like they're trying to start something or set you up."

I would be surprised if that was the case. My thinking is that she didn't even register that I had already RSVP'd. However, I have no idea if she'd try to make a scene, though I'd doubt it.

"I think your BH needs to make clear to your AP that he will be exposed unless HE backs off."

BH chose not to respond to xAPs earlier requests made during their mtg two weeks ago. He had told xAP that he was unable to agree to the requests made and also could not promise there would be any further contact/replies.

"I'm smelling testosterone, not estrogen. And why the heck does it seem like your H is so intimidated by someone who screwed his wife? I think *he* needs to set down some laws to Mr. Bigshot."

I am not sensing intimidation, but you could have a point. I think BH now sees that no contact FOR ALL OF US is the best way to go.

"To me, it sounds like her AP is dictating the 'laws' to her BH, who somehow feels subservient to her AP."

BH doesn't feel 'less than' xAP.

"I rather doubt that the BW is driving this bullshit. She's complaining to 'it' (the OM), and he's trying to dictate the 'rules' to Ep's BH."

Our view is that BW is very angry (which she has every right to be!) and her anger means xAP has to cope with her anger/mood swings, etc...and his way of trying to minimize things is to ask us to stay away so he can "create a bubble around her so she can heal."

"IMO, her BH has as many rights and expectations as the BW. He has as much right not to see or deal with 'it's' family, as her AP's BW does."

So far, seeing or talking to my xAP is not triggery for my BH...I don't know how come that is. He IS clear that he isn't going to rearrange his or his family's life at the demand of others.

"It sounds to me that she's trying to do what her BH wants."

Yes. This.

"Unfortunately, it's going to take her BH to lay the law down. I hope he does."

Do you think he needs to send some kind of NC letter or just let things be as there's been no contact for 13 days. ?

(I hope I quoted correctly)



Actively R

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
Eponine
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Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

"Think of the lady with the baby! It really isn't about you or the AP's BW. It really and honestly is not about this affair at all. It's about celebrating a new life and an expanded family.
If anything - anything at all - were to erupt there...even noticeable tension, it creates a sideshow. That's on you. And, I would even say it's on the AP's BW. Put your friend with the baby first. She's most important on this day, in this event. Stay away."

This is a great point. Thank you for reminding me of where the focus should be. (!)

Our two older dds are not interested in attending, but our younger 12 yo dd is...she and the dd of the other couple were really good buddies.

Since I just served as doula to the momma on Sunday-Monday when she labored and birthed, and due to the replies here, I have already decided to stay away. (But I will bring the food items I promised to bring, the day before the party.)



Actively R

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
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Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

"1. The signature which appeared on your previous posts indicated that dday was less than a month ago. (ETA. Miscalculated - 2 months ago)."

ONS was 4/13-14. DDay was 4/15. DDay#2 was 5/26 and was me telling BH that xAP and I had had email and cell contact on 4/16, 4/17, and 4/18...showed him those emails and cell records.

"2. Your XAP and BH seem to have come to some kind of agreement but I see nothing about your XAP's BW being calm about the sich."
From what BH was told by xAP, she is far from calm.

"3. You and your BH seem to have settled to some degree. I don't understand how but from what you've said this appears to be the case."
This is true and I don't understand how, either, but I am grateful for it.

"4. A month out from dday I was a wreck. I also live in a small town and saw both OW2 and OW3 in the local mall several times within a couple of weeks of dday. To say this was upsetting would be an understatement of mammoth proportions."
I can only imagine what this must or could be like for xAPs BW.

"5. I wonder do you have any empathy for the BW?"
I have hurt her beyond measure. Thanks to me, she is dealing with a double betrayal. I cannot empathize with her as fully as I'd want b/c I have never been in her situation, but I can imagine the pain, and it hurts tremendously. I took our friendship, our shared memories and experiences, our family connections and stomped all over them.

"6. It appears you are now able to move on with your life. (Apart from the inconvenience of changing your days at the gym and your time to go to church). You are very fortunate."

Agreed.



Actively R

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
Eponine
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Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

"Eponine, do you still want to go, knowing that BW will be there? Not what do your kids want, or your BH wants, or xAP wants, or your mutual new-mother friend wants - even what the BW wants. What do you want to do?"

I am not going. It's not worth it and I have been blessed already to have been with the momma and her family at her homebirth three days ago and have seen baby twice since.

"I think I'd rather have stuck pins in my eyes the first few months after D'day than be near BW. I wouldn't have known at all what to say and how to say it."

I agree that I wouldn't know what to say or how...

"She (understandably) hasn't forgiven you, is terribly hurt and still furious if she wants a restraining order filed because you are going to your own (pre-A) gym."

Yes. Her anger is completely justified.

"How would you deal with being in the same room with her? Ignore her? Wave a little 'hello' across the room? Say you're sorry at the buffet table? Take it out to the backyard? Think about it."

Done. And you are right. There's no good answer to any of those questions AND the greater good is all about the new mom and new baby and celebrating them.

"I fear this will blow up. I just don't see how being in the same room right now is going to help anyone: kids, guests, BW, baby, mutual friends, you, etc..."

You are right again...not helpful on any level...to anyone.



Actively R

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
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Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I agree with this...but also be prepared for the possibility that the BW is setting you up to cause a scene or publicly call you out/humiliate you in front of your other mutual friends.

How do your daughters feel about going?

I had not considered her setting me up...she and xAP have far more to lose if this A goes public, but who knows, you may well be right!

Two oldest DD prefer not to attend...15yo was honorary godchild to xAP and his BW and babysat for them weekly for three years, so losses for her are multiple. 18yo DD is simply disinterested in attending shower. 12 yo DD wants to go...she is very much missing spending every Tuesday with the DD of the other couple...and that kiddo will be present @ the shower.

ETA a couple of missing letters

[This message edited by Eponine at 10:45 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]



Actively R

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FinallyHappy
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Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, June 14th (Friday)

I'm glad you decided not to go.

There is no reason to feed the drama llama, especially since you were all close friends.

Do you think he needs to send some kind of NC letter or just let things be as there's been no contact for 13 days. ?

Usually the WS sends the NC letter, not the BS. You guys are SO new to this. Perhaps you could ask your BH if you should send a NC letter? (read, approved, and sent by your BH) to Mr. Bigshot.

I'm not sure here, actually. I'll let those more experienced than I answer the question.

[This message edited by FinallyHappy at 5:58 AM, June 14th (Friday)]


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7334 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
FinallyHappy
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Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, June 14th (Friday)

<knock knock>

Now that you are finally understanding that *you* did this?

What are you doing to figure out why?

At some point your husband is going to be REALLY pissed off.

Right now he's distracted by all the shit.

That won't last, so I recommend that you try and figure out who you are?


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7334 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
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Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, June 14th (Friday)

Usually the WS sends the NC letter, not the BS. You guys are SO new to this. Perhaps you could ask your BH if you should send a NC letter? (read, approved, and sent by your BH) to Mr. Bigshot.

Right, that's what I understand...I just wonder if it's still worth doing since xAP and I haven't had contact since 4/18 OR if BH should send something since he's the one who's had periodic contact with both of them OR if he/we should just leave things be.



Actively R

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Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, June 14th (Friday)


Now that you are finally understanding that *you* did this?

What are you doing to figure out why?

-Discussion and dialogue with BH
-Therapy (IC w/EMDR)
-Lots (!!!) of reading
-Journaling
-Retrouvaille
-Digging in to FOO issues
-Continuing to process the impact of our children's deaths on choices I made/make



Actively R

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
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Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, June 14th (Friday)

I suggest you leave things be, unless either one of them contacts either one of you again.

If they do any more contact then you can send them a NC letter.


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2785 | Registered: Feb 2006
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Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, June 14th (Friday)


I suggest you leave things be, unless either one of them contacts either one of you again.
If they do any more contact then you can send them a NC letter.

That's the way I'm leaning...



Actively R

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FinallyHappy
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Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, June 14th (Friday)

OR if BH should send something since he's the one who's had periodic contact with both of them OR if he/we should just leave things be

What does your H say? What does he want?

At some point you're going to have to stop worrying about rocking the boat (and I totally understand where you are), and address these issues with him.


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7334 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
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Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, June 14th (Friday)


What does your H say? What does he want?

At some point you're going to have to stop worrying about rocking the boat (and I totally understand where you are), and address these issues with him.

He's fine with things as they are now. When he met with xAP two weeks ago tonight, he went into it thinking that NC (for all) was going to be the best option, which is why, when OM insisted that my BH call to let him know what we "prayerfully discerned" about going/not going to the rec center, my BH told him, "I can't promise you we won't be there at certain times and in fact, this may be our last contact...I'm not even sure I'll be calling you again."
In our own conversations, he's made it clear that NC is best...
(Edited to correct typo)

[This message edited by Eponine at 9:13 AM, June 14th (Friday)]



Actively R

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Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, June 14th (Friday)

Gotcha.

Then I'd send the NC letter. (Both of you).


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7334 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
FinallyHappy
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Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, June 14th (Friday)

Because:

M insisted that my BH call to let him know what we "prayerfully discerned" about going/not going to the rec center, my BH told him, "I can't promise you we won't be there at certain times and in fact, this may be our last contact...I'm not even sure I'll be calling you again."

I think (although I'd prefer that your BH chopped off his dangly bits ), your H may be waiting for YOU to be proactive. If not? That's okay. It's totally up to the both of you.


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7334 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
Eponine
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Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, June 14th (Friday)


I think (although I'd prefer that your BH chopped off his dangly bits ), your H may be waiting for YOU to be proactive. If not? That's okay. It's totally up to the both of you.

I just asked BH again...he's clear that no further contact is best...it took us a week to recover from the last contact...pot-stirring and all that.
So, unless they initiate, in which case I'll send a NCL, we're NC.

Edited to correct glaring grammatical error.

[This message edited by Eponine at 9:44 AM, June 14th (Friday)]



Actively R

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