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New Beginnings
User Topic: Ladies; O.L.D. responce help please!
Shockleader
Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

Hi,

I received this reply, and need your help deciphering this message, and what to do next:

i love that you are responding to my profile.
the ball is in your court.

What does she mean?

This gal has potential, and I don't know what the heck to say/do. Is asking for her number OK, ask for a face-to-face? Gosh, I am SO OUTTA MY ELEMENT HERE!

HELP!


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
XWW 44
One DD 18
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A

The path to salvation is narrow, and as difficult to walk as the razor's edge


Posts: 571 | Registered: Sep 2012
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

Well, I've never done O.L.D., but I'm guessing that her message is saying she expects you to lead. If this is "first contact", I'd ask her to tell you more about herself - see if you can get a conversation going... see what happens.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4099 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

Ummm...I think she is telling you to take the lead, and yes, asking for her number would be a logical step.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3616 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
Shockleader
Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

Number requested... Dang, this is fun.


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
XWW 44
One DD 18
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A

The path to salvation is narrow, and as difficult to walk as the razor's edge


Posts: 571 | Registered: Sep 2012
Got2GO
Member
Member # 26576
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

Hi!
Tell me something. Your post says that you are in the process of "divorcing". Why are you in a hurry to get hooked up again and your not even divorced yet? Don't you want to take sometime to find yourself before jumping into the next mess. Or at the very least get divorced before dragging some poor women
into the mix.


BS (me) 47
WS (him) 70
Together 7 1/2 years
married 6 years
no children together
Happily divorced 1/29/13!

Posts: 94 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: got2go
Shockleader
Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

Whoa Nelly... Yes, my tag does say "divorcing", and should be updated. On May 1, the court agreed/signed off on the MSA, and I'm simply waiting for the paperwork to arrive at my home to make me really, really D. As for the "poor women", she will be told EXACTLY what the situation is should I contact her, and she can decide if she is comfortable with it.

I'm in no hurry at all, certainly not sexually (if that is what you implied by "hooked up"), I simply feel at this point I wish to engage in some form of positive contact with women, taking it slow.

I have written here many times, of my desire to never pull another person into a situation that would hurt them, knowingly or unknowingly by my lack of honesty, judgement, or ability to asses my emotional situation. To this I stick, and will continue with.

I do appreciate you bringing up the question/questions, and hope you gained insight by my answers.


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
XWW 44
One DD 18
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A

The path to salvation is narrow, and as difficult to walk as the razor's edge


Posts: 571 | Registered: Sep 2012
Got2GO
Member
Member # 26576
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

Thank you so much for your response. I'm trying to "survive infidelity" and learn from my mistakes.
To be honest I always thought that all men cheat. But this site has shown me that some men are actually hurt when it happens to them. I will say that it seems as if men bounce back fairly quickly and are ready for the next woman before the ink is even dry on the divorce papers. I have a good friend that always said that a man just can be by themselves.
Now I grew up with 4 brothers and no sisters. I have 2 grown sons. I have many male friends. And so far what my female friend stated I see this in the men around me.
I haven't read all of your past posts and I think that it is horrible when someone cheats on there spouse whether it's male or female. I believe that if someone wants out of a marriage just say so.
I do hope that everything turns out well with this woman that you are corresponding with. Good to hear that you will be open and honest.

[This message edited by Got2GO at 10:08 AM, June 8th (Saturday)]


BS (me) 47
WS (him) 70
Together 7 1/2 years
married 6 years
no children together
Happily divorced 1/29/13!

Posts: 94 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: got2go
Shockleader
Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

You're welcome.

To be honest I always thought that all men cheat.

Surely not all, and many here don't; I adored my beautiful, intelligent wife, and NEVER wanted, or even remotely attempted to be with anyone else, emotionally or physically, ever. The shock of D-day by far rivaled the death of people closest to me in my life, and many times I wished for death as the only way to stop the white hot searing agony I was experiencing.

My WW continued with lies, extreme emotional abuse to me and my daughter, and her needless nastiness post D-day and during the D has reduced any memory of her to that of a monster.

I guess quickly is relative, and I'm certainly not implying that I am anywhere near completed with where I want to be concerning all facets of my life, but right now, I want to start to feel "normal" interacting with women, and hope this brings something to the table for them too.

I am so much tougher/stronger now, and feel my head has never been in a better place to gauge my emotions, perhaps gauge others, and try to move forward w/o any collateral damage.

I will admit to you, and I hope it does not seem selfish, or self serving, but it does feel nice even at the tiniest level, to have hope that what was stolen from me, may again be plied to a lady who will respect and cherish it.


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
XWW 44
One DD 18
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A

The path to salvation is narrow, and as difficult to walk as the razor's edge


Posts: 571 | Registered: Sep 2012
Got2GO
Member
Member # 26576
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

So, you are totally over your wife?
Like I said I have not followed all of your post and I am trying to learn. How did you get over her so quickly? Also, how do you move on to wanting to be involved with someone else so quickly? I am loving this single life thingy. What I'm afraid of is that I may never deal with someone else again. After a while I would like someone to at least pay half the bills and take out the trash. But I'm afraid that I have become too comfortable in my new life. I have truly moved on. Lord knows I don't want my ex back. But after being separated over 2 years I find it hard to stick my neck out again.
So, if this new woman just wanted nothing but a friendship with no sex involved you would accept that?


BS (me) 47
WS (him) 70
Together 7 1/2 years
married 6 years
no children together
Happily divorced 1/29/13!

Posts: 94 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: got2go
InTheRabbitHole
Member
Member # 19319
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Shockleader, did she respond back?

Posts: 198 | Registered: Apr 2008
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I simply feel at this point I wish to engage in some form of positive contact with women, taking it slow.

Nothing wrong with that!

Especially after being emotionally abused for a long time, I think there's the danger there of jumping into something to make ourselves feel better. That's how I feel about it anyway. I want to make sure I can make myself happy, and I want to be sure that I'm not looking to anyone else to fill the happiness void. No one should have that much control or power over us, to dictate how we feel about ourselves.. It's tough to heal from all the abuse, but you sound like you are putting yourself out there for all the right reasons, and I wish you the best of luck!

Shockleader, did she respond back?

I think there are a few of us living vicariously right now, so make sure to give us updates!


BW~ 35, Two Darling Sons~ 10 and 6
D-Day 9/2012
S 10/2012
Filed D 11/2012
Divorced! 4/2014

Posts: 1374 | Registered: Feb 2013
Shockleader
Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

So, you are totally over your wife?

For any feelings of love, respect, admiration, and decency; absa-friggin-lutely.


How did you get over her so quickly

I guess because I finally had enough, and my heart simply stopped giving a rats ass about her, or her near soul killing actions.

Also, how do you move on to wanting to be involved with someone else so quickly?

I don't, but by me staying in the state I am, only keeps me from striving for some version of what I want as a "normal" life.

So, if this new woman just wanted nothing but a friendship with no sex involved you would accept that?

Absolutely!, I'm not some wild animal, or so unrefined that sex has to be in the equation for a male-female relationship. Now, to be clear, I'm also not against any form of FWB, as long as that is truly what it is. It's all about mutual respect.

Update: Still waiting on the other gal to respond to my request, I called another in the mean time, and she was a TOTAL FLAKE-OUT! See, there are lessons to be learned after the abuse of infidelity, and one of them is a much better narc radar. Literally this lady talked about herself 98% of the time, sounded kooky, dismissed what I said, and when I did talk she was coolly condescending... Yep, got her pegged good, so adios Flakeos.

Damn it feels good to have clarity, and take needed action w/o a care in the world.


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
XWW 44
One DD 18
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A

The path to salvation is narrow, and as difficult to walk as the razor's edge


Posts: 571 | Registered: Sep 2012
Got2GO
Member
Member # 26576
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Glad to hear that you now have your high beams on and can now see clearly. I guess you just got to kiss a lot of frogs before you can find someone that you can just about tolerate. My problem is that my bullshit alarms ring like crazy but I always think that maybe they will change, lol!
I met my ex online and I lost my ex online. They say you'll loose them the way you find them I guess. With that being said be careful with the online stuff. I am not against OLD but now I know what to expect. Its just a game.


BS (me) 47
WS (him) 70
Together 7 1/2 years
married 6 years
no children together
Happily divorced 1/29/13!

Posts: 94 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: got2go
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

t/j

To be honest I always thought that all men cheat.

I would never date again if I thought this was true. I have to say that I suspect it a lot more than I ever did pre-D-day, but SI more than anything else gives me hope.

end t/j

Way to go Shockleader - I hope your dating adventure turns out well!


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4661 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Got2GO
Member
Member # 26576
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Kernel,

I have learned to make sure that I am getting something out of the relationship. All men may or may not cheat but in the end as long as my needs whatever they maybe at the time are taken care of I don't care what they do. I have also learned to keep stepping the minute I even smell something foul about to go down. Now I don't run out on the slightest bit of drama. The older people are the more baggage and drama they are carrying. But I am now cautious and identify what I will put up with and what I will not. I have learned that people don't change and to listen to my bullshit alarms. Then take what I need and leave the rest.


BS (me) 47
WS (him) 70
Together 7 1/2 years
married 6 years
no children together
Happily divorced 1/29/13!

Posts: 94 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: got2go
Got2GO
Member
Member # 26576
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Sorry Shockleader!

I have totally moved your originally question off the deep end! Enjoy your new beginning. Good luck O.L.D.


BS (me) 47
WS (him) 70
Together 7 1/2 years
married 6 years
no children together
Happily divorced 1/29/13!

Posts: 94 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: got2go
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

t/j

The older people are the more baggage and drama they are carrying

Damn girl, first the sexism, now the ageism. I completely disagree..

end t/j


BW~ 35, Two Darling Sons~ 10 and 6
D-Day 9/2012
S 10/2012
Filed D 11/2012
Divorced! 4/2014

Posts: 1374 | Registered: Feb 2013
Shockleader
Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

*Update*

The original gal decided any potential relationship would be to close to a long distance situation, and politely declined any further contact.

Soooo, I contacted another lady I was interested in, called her, and we will be meeting up soon for lunch, dinner, a drink... She is a metallurgical engineer, has traveled all over the world, sounds like she has an IQ of about a zillion, and when I called her, she was on her way back from her regular hot yoga class... Her profile pictures have you believe she could crush cinder blocks with her abs.

She has never been married, and has no children. One thing I noticed that is a hard habit to stop, is the tendency of myself to nearly say "we", when describing life events about myself. Such as when she asked me about my time living in Europe, I really had to catch myself and not say "when we" lived in Europe, or when "we" moved to such and such... Damn hard not to say we after 23 years of M when it was all we.

Taking it very slowly, with no expectations, simply enjoying and learning by the experience, and feeling/getting stronger everyday, even if I don't realize it, or comprehend its magnatude.


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
XWW 44
One DD 18
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A

The path to salvation is narrow, and as difficult to walk as the razor's edge


Posts: 571 | Registered: Sep 2012
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

When I first started dating my STBX, I had just gotten out of a 5-year relationship, and I did the same thing, always telling stories of things me and my ex did.. It took a while to break the habit, and I'll probably do it again this time, but it's so great you even recognize it and are trying to prevent it! You're right, no one really wants to hear stories about their significant other's exes, so good for you for noticing that!

Hot yoga class, eh? Maybe I should try that. I wanna crush cinder blocks with my abs


BW~ 35, Two Darling Sons~ 10 and 6
D-Day 9/2012
S 10/2012
Filed D 11/2012
Divorced! 4/2014

Posts: 1374 | Registered: Feb 2013
Shockleader
Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Thanks BFG; appreciate the encouragement along my journey!

Hot yoga class, eh? Maybe I should try that. I wanna crush cinder blocks with my abs

, and she's purdy too.


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
XWW 44
One DD 18
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A

The path to salvation is narrow, and as difficult to walk as the razor's edge


Posts: 571 | Registered: Sep 2012
tornasunder
Member
Member # 29300
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Getting out of the "we" mentality took some time to do. I have been dating my SO for just about 9 months now (damn how time flies) and it still comes up occasionally. I'm assuming your DD18 is out of the house now? I have custody of my DS11 so my WXW is still in the picture as a constant reminder of all of those past "we" moments.

After living with someone for 23 years (for me it was 10), that portion of your life was significantly long enough that it is hard to help fill in your past experiences without involving your X. Anyone you date in the future should be able to take this into consideration. The main thing is to avoid the "we" in the present tense. I don't mind hearing stories from my SO about her and her XH. Those things still helped define who she now is. It helps me know where she is emotionally tender so I don't accidentally hit those buttons. Both SO and I have had bad days where something brings up the pain from our previous marriages and tears are shed, not for longing for what was but that it happened in the first place. You can't totally cut your X out of the picture of your past because she has helped you become the person you are now.

As for finding someone who takes hot yoga? Good for you. Have fun and enjoy yourself. I wish you the best.

t/j -> Got2Go

How did you get over her so quickly?
Jan 2012 was DDay3 for me. D papers were written up, signed, and D was done June 2012. By Sept I started dating SO. After enough pain that she caused I was done in Jan. As for being "over her"? At this point there is no way in hell that I would want her back. Are there things that we did that I miss? Sure, but not enough want to do them again with her.
/end t/j


Me BS (32); STBXW (31); Married 10 Years; DDay1 03/2010; DDay2 01/2012
Divorced 07/2012

Posts: 204 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Dakota
Topic Posts: 21