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Wayward Side
User Topic: Questions...
Sam793
Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

There are a few questions my BS has that I don't have an acceptable answer to. I have answered them but not to an acceptable level. In order not to taint what my answers are or to make excuses, I would like to present them for discussion and after comments are given, tell you the answers I gave.

After D Day, I had no issue with throwing the AP under the bus. There was about a month period before I started IC and medication. The question here is "If I could focus on the family after D Day and live without the AP and her ego boosts without medication, then the A was not due to issues of depression"

The PA was at its greatest in the last few months of the A. I saw the AP more often, began sleeping over at her house and sex increased in those couple months to more then I had sex with her in the previous years. At this time I really didn't want to be in the A and was trying to escape. The question here is "How could the PA become more frequent and compliant when I was trying to end it?"

I found out towards the end of the A that the AP had people checking my real life and the life of my BS. In better terms we were being stalked. People were driving past our house etc. This how the AP realized I was not separated all these years but actually still living with my wife. The question here is "Why did I not care that my BS was being stalked and why would I continue to let the AP possibly put my BS and DDs safety into jeopardy?"

Finally, as stated above my AP thought I was separated for 3 of the 3.5 year affair. The question is "Why wasn't the A ended sooner knowing that the AP probably wouldn't be searching out a reason?"

I will give my reasons tomorrow which have been given to my BS prior to the posting. I would like to hear from both sides.



Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

(Sorry; hit send instead of quote )

I'm not sure why you're asking questions that only you can answer, but I'll take a stab:

"If I could focus on the family after D Day and live without the AP and her ego boosts without medication, then the A was not due to issues of depression"

Not a question but I guess you're asking did your depression cause you to have the A? Depression is an illness and needs to be treated, so perhaps you treated it by having the A; self-medicating is never a good idea...But you only had to wait one month for proper medication, so I can see you white-knuckling through it. However, the A was your choice; it was not forced on you by your mind & body.

"How could the PA become more frequent and compliant when I was trying to end it?"

Have to answer with a question-what do you mean 'trying'? Unless you were tied to a bed and forced to have sex, you could have ended it at any time. I suspect you were doing a form of hysterical bonding with your AP.

"Why did I not care that my BS was being stalked and why would I continue to let the AP possibly put my BS and DDs safety into jeopardy?"

Because you didn't fear her. It was all about you still at this point.

"Why wasn't the A ended sooner knowing that the AP probably wouldn't be searching out a reason?"

See the previous answer.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 12:31 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19970 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
grains
Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

"If I could focus on the family after D Day and live without the AP and her ego boosts without medication, then the A was not due to issues of depression"

- There are certainly several reasons for an infidelity. I know this from my situation. It is very possible that depression is just one of them and there are other aspects of your life that allowed you to choose to have the 3.5 year relationship. For myself I realized that I had a lifetime of having other people decide for me. I also avoided conflict to please people because I felt I was a bad person if people around me were unhappy thinking I was responsible for their unhappiness. I think there are may reasons for choosing to betray your partner.

"How could the PA become more frequent and compliant when I was trying to end it?"
- Were you really trying to end your infidelity? I was in a state of mind where as I could not end my infidelity. I was just waiting to be discovered and that is what happened. I did not have the courage to come forward and reveal it to my BS. Did you believe that somehow you can continue with having two lives? I thought that I could.

"Why did I not care that my BS was being stalked and why would I continue to let the AP possibly put my BS and DDs safety into jeopardy?"
-You were able to keep the affair going for 3.5 years. Perhaps because of that you felt that you are able to keep your two lives separate and safe from each other. That is what happened to me. My affair lasted for over 2 years. I thought that everything was fine because I could keep it separate. I was very mistaken. If you felt that you had everything under control then you then it will not occur to you that you are putting your BS & DD in harms way.

"Why wasn't the A ended sooner knowing that the AP probably wouldn't be searching out a reason?"
-I think you still felt that you can keep both lives separate and safe from each other. I felt the same way until I was discovered.

I hope that helps. Please keep asking yourself these questions. It really helps in our recovery. It also helps our partners. Be safe and be well.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

It appears to me you are looking for excuses for your behavior because the ones you are giving your BS aren't cutting it with her.

No one but you knows why you did what you did and how you could do that to your BS. You need to dig further into yourself with your IC to come up with the answers, not excuses. We could only speculate and assume and you know what happens when you assume something.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
hardlessons
Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Question 1. Because you chose to.

Question 2. Because you chose to.

Question 3. Because you chose to.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I agree with trustgone and hardlessons.

Only you can answer these questions, and do the hard work and digging.

Good luck with all of this.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
HeartInADustpan
Member
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Agree with TrustGone, hardlessons and badchoice.

You chose to on all accounts and you are going to have to dig deep within yourself to figure out why.

[This message edited by HeartInADustpan at 10:11 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 7