User Topic: Anything equal to pain of A?
Member # 39337
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

My WH and I had a BIG argument last December, and we were discussing it last night. He said to me, " I was so hurt when you all had the party without me." ( referring to a gender reveal party that was planned 2 months before the fight for my oldest daughter). I didn't tell him he couldn't participate. I just wasn't speaking to him because we were angry with each other. He was right upstairs in the bedroom and he could've come down. He said that hearing everyone laugh without him was JUST AS PAINFUL FOR HIM AS THE A WAS FOR ME!

Seriously? This makes me want to have a revenge A so he can see that the pain from not going to a party is nothing like your spouse cheating on you for 2-3 months.

Personally I don't think there is much in this life that is more painful than an A.

BS (me) 43
WS (him) 48
Married 25 years
Reconciling for 12 years
DDAY 01-16-01
A with my best friend
Lots of children from 24-4 weeks old

Posts: 62 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 37945
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Losing a child would be worse. That's all I can come up with.

Even my WH dying wouldn't have been as bad as his affairs.

Posts: 231 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: texas
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I think the only thing that would be more devastating to me is if something horrific happened to one of my kids. My dad killed himself when I was a teenager, and that had long-lasting effects on me, but it wasn't anywhere near the pain of finding out now-ex had betrayed me.

Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect

Posts: 12164 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Member # 39170
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I have had a baby pass away the same day he was born. The affair seems worse to me because my WH made a choice to betray me. My baby was born too early -there was nothing anyone could do to stop it. WH however could have stopped his actions at any time.

I do honestly think WH dying would have been easier to deal with than the affair.

Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (31)
Married 3 years.
Confessed to PA April 21 2013.

DS (6), DS (18 months)

Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".

Status: Done like dinner

Posts: 277 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The frozen North, eh?
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

AYFKM? Your WH tried to equate his pain at not being invited to a party to the pain a BS feels at finding out their spouse cheated on them?

When someone starts a thread with the topic "Stupid shit WS's say" please remember this and post it because this has got to be one of the stupidest things I have heard a WS say. I have heard a lot of stupid shit, too.

I can think of many things more painful than an affair. Losing a child (I did) is right at the top. There are many others that I would consider worse than being betrayed by my husband. Not saying this isn't one of the worst things that I have personally gone through and one of the most painful (in the top 3 for me), but if I am going to be honest, I can think of many tragedies that I would prefer my husband cheating on me than to suffer those tragedies.

Now, I am going to bow out of this thread because, inevitably, these threads upset me. Don't like comparing pain. It is like comparing apples and oranges.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 5:57 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9798 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

His actions are the most painful thing thus far in my lifetime.

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Member # 39337
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Me too , heartache. When I first found out, it was very much like someone had stabbed me. I felt physically sick in my chest and I had trouble breathing.

Interestingly, the A has also given my WH anxiety problems that feel like a heart attack to him. He has been in the hospital for testing several times, the first time just a few months after the A.

I wish he could've seen ahead at how his actions would effect us.

BS (me) 43
WS (him) 48
Married 25 years
Reconciling for 12 years
DDAY 01-16-01
A with my best friend
Lots of children from 24-4 weeks old

Posts: 62 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I had a child in ICU for a week after birth, was told he wouldn't survive through the night and all. Fortunately my child did live, but I can promise you that the pain from almost losing that child was nothing compared to the pain my H's A's inflicted.

As Purple said, our WS's chose to inflict this pain on us, losing or almost losing someone due to an unforeseeable circumstance is totally different. It would be like the difference between accidentally getting food poisoning from something your spouse undercooked on accident, versus them putting bleach in your food before serving it to you. TOTALLY different pains, totally different feelings and intent involved.

Purple, I am so very sorry for your loss! And anyone else that has lost a loved one.

DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Don't like comparing pain. It is like comparing apples and oranges.

Me too.

I think it depends on each person's perspective and what that person's life history has been. I have lived through other things that have caused lasting damage. Saying "this was the worst" or "that was the worst" doesn't really work for me because the damage done was different- not less, but different.

Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces

Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I wish he could've seen ahead at how his actions would effect us.

IMO he's not seeing it now.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11225 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, June 8th (Saturday)


this has got to be one of the stupidest things I have heard a WS say. I have heard a lot of stupid shit, too.

Me too. And I've been around for a while.

IAmPsycho, I can guarantee he has NO IDEA what he's talking about.

BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014


Posts: 2312 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I do not have children, but I would imagine that losing a child would be worse. On the other hand though, you could at least rationalize that when someone dies, they usually don't choose to die. An SO chooses to have an affair and intentionally hurt you. So I don't know...

This is going to sound really dumb, but the closest I've come to the pain of the A was losing my dog. She was the one that let me bawl my eyes out in her fur during his A and listened to all my hurt. She was more loyal to me than he ever was. But even when she passed, I was at least glad that she no longer was in pain and suffering. She didn't choose to leave and hurt me like he did.

I'm not sure if there is anything worse than someone you've given yourself fully to betraying you.

Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I'm in agreement with pretty much everyone else. Losing my DS is the only thing I can think that would be more painful than WH A's. It kills me to even think about. Ugh.

Just call me Heart. :)
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I do honestly think WH dying would have been easier to deal with than the affair.

It is....My FWW died (heart attack age 45) a little more than a year after DDay....and after nearly a year of a really good R...

I held her 100% accountable for her decision to cheat on me.....her heart attack was not planned, executed, covered up, lied about, nor was it repeated. Her decision to cheat was...Her death was NOT her fault.


[This message edited by bufffalo at 9:47 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]

DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08

Posts: 5828 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Member # 38866
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I havent felt pain like this EVER and hope never too again.

Its right up there as one of the worst traumas anyone could go through.

How dare he compare and boohoo he didnt join in......selfish f@ck!

Tell him he'll get over it.........isnt he the lucky one if thats as bad as it gets for him........

How pathetic.......

You have fun and look after you. Throw another party I say :-)


BS me 48
Him 45 NPD/SA fucktard
1 beautiful DS
M 20 yr T 24
DD#1 Jan 12
DD#2 Aug 12 LTA/PA with pond scum
Divorced....... :))
Shoot me down but I wont fall.
I am Titanium

Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Infidelity is hands-down the most painful thing I've ever dealt with.

A close second was the profound depression my son experienced as a result of the infidelity; it was a facet of the fallout that, newly separated, was ... indescribably painful to contend with.

I imagine that anything causing my kids harm would be worse. My son's depression was sort of wrapped up in the infidelity, so I can't separate it. But it was an aspect that was so uniquely painful, on its own, that I can extrapolate.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8841 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

I lost my mother unexpectedly 21 years ago. At that point, I had NEVER felt such pain.

I was blindsided, and the only thing that hurt me more at the time, was thinking of my father. They were so very close. I was blessed with such fantastic parents. And as the 3 children(all adults) crumbled in the aftermath, my father, in his typical fashion, stoically carried us through it.

When my father passed in 2010, it wasn't a surprise. He died with his children at his side. And as morbid as it sounds, and what he suffered through the couple years prior, it was a merciful passing.

Being blindsided by my WW's affairs feels the worse that any other traumatic experience. There were lies, deceit, anger, and in my opinion, deliberate punishment that were unleashed on me---from what I thought was a good marriage. All my dreams, and apparent ignorant notions that I had a special marriage that bettered anyone else I knew...EXCEPT for my parents...came crashing down, and put me in a dark place that I never could have imagined. I would have preferred her to shoot me in the back of the head without me knowing, than to do what she did. At least that was my thinking back then.

I am at a better place today, but forever changed.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 9:59 AM, June 9th (Sunday)]

2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
New Member
Member # 39230
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

Just needed to chime in with my two cents, this is a topic that has come up with me and my WH in the past, when he says "I don't know what it feels like, I haven't been in your shoes." (Lucky him....)

We lost a baby before we were married, we were both teenagers, and after struggling to tell our parents, realizing our futures were changing, and everyone rallying around to give us support, we lost him. It was painful, we were young, we were not prepared for this kind of loss. When I tried to tell him the A was more painful than that, he just said, "well, we got through it."

To me, it is like comparing apples and oranges, the difference is closure. When someone dies, you know they aren't coming back. It hurts and you grieve and at some point you realize life goes on. It will always hurt, but you learn to live in this new reality where they aren't here anymore. Your future is changed, in one direction.
The hell of an A and the aftermath, there's no closure. There's continual lies, tt, it's confusing. You never know the whole truth, you don't know which direction your headed. You are never really secure, you may think you're in R and then more bombs are dropped.

To me, this is what makes it worse. It's like being in limbo. It's hard to have the attitude that "life goes on" when you really don't know which direction to take, where the path will lead, etc. it's hard to go through the stages of grieving when there's never a finality. The stages come and go just like a roller coaster, in no particular order. There's just no closure.

Posts: 38 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

Multiple false Rs were the most painful thing I have ever experienced. They were willful and premeditated.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7765 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

When I was 18, I lost my son. One month later, I walked in on his dad cheating.

Both hurt, severely. When I lost my son, a little part of me died as well. I don't even know how to explain it. Scary movies don't scare me anymore. Death doesn't scare me. I've already been through the most horrific thing ever. It is a crippling pain that never really goes away. It has been seven years and I still cry, I still lose it sometimes.

Cheating is painful, severely, in a different way. When I lost my son...he didn't chose to die. It was sad and hurtful and the situation was devastating, but it wasn't anyone's fault. Nobody looked at me and said, "I'm going to do this to you." It just happened. Cheating was a choice. A choice made by someone who was supposed to honor and love me and take care of me above all else. A choice made by so done I trusted and someone I gave myself to. He knew that I would be hurt, and he didn't care. He chose to do it anyway.

I think the idea that the WS doesn't know how hurtful it will be is complete BullSH*T!! They knew, and that is why they hid it.

Of course, given the option, I would choose someone cheating on me all day long as opposed to anyone hurting my daughter or anything happening to her. But honestly, comparing the two is sort of like asking if I would rather die by freezing or burning.

Your husband made a choice not join the party. You did NOT choose to be betrayed. Your party lasted for what, two or three hours? His affair lasted for 3 months. If the most hurtful thing he can think of that you have ever done to him is having party without him, he can suck an egg. I'm not kidding, he should be fanning you, feeding you grapes, kissing your feet, cleaning your house, and waking up every night with the baby. Sounds like someone has had a very easy life.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

I wouldn't attempt to compare major pain like being betrayed. However, not being invited to a party can't be much more than an annoyance. To try to equate that to being betrayed shows your H is probably very attached to the Victim (Poor me - come and rescue me) position in the Drama Triangle - and unless he's willing to work to give that up, that makes him a poor risk for R at this point. JMO, of course.

I trust your mention of an RA is just venting. He sounds so stuck in Victim that an RA would just confirm his position and make him that much more unwilling to help you heal.

Sorry he's being such a jerk. You're not really a're just M to one.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10352 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 36981
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

I KNOW what hurts worse than an affair.

A cheating spouse who doesn't know the difference between regret and remorse.

A cheating spouse who just wants to rugsweep and treats you like YOU have a problem, cuz you just can't get over it.

A cheating spouse who makes promises he never intends to keep, just to get you off his back.

A cheating spouse who disappoints you month after month after dreary dreary month, all the while pretending things are good.

me:BW 64
him:WS 65
married 22 years
DDay: Sept. 4, 2012
2 sons (his)
1 grandchild
A: 6 mos (according to him) UPDATE:11 months is the latest admission....

Posts: 57 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: off grid middle of nowhere
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

MrWNW was EXTREMELY offended, hurt, and angry with me several months ago when I, as a 2001 rape victim and he as someone that helped me through very dark times of the PTSD from that, said,
"I would've rather been raped 1,000 times than have lived through one December 2010!!!"

I recently talked to my IC (the same IC I had for my rape counseling) about that statement, and I still hold true to that statement.

I didn't love my rapist, didn't trust my rapist. My rapist never committed to me, made promises to me, let me dream a lifetime with him.

December 2010 crashed so much of my life, and it's never been the same....I've never been the same.... The PTSD is far worse that I'm dealing with now from his SA than the PTSD that was related to the rape.

"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

False R was more painful than the A. The loss of my children or chronic health issues - hell not even just my children, anyone's children.

Dude needs a check-up from the neck-up if he seriously thinks the two situations compare in any way, shape or form.

I call manipulator. Not even a master - just your garden variety kind.

This must make you so mad and sad.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 24