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User Topic: need help!! need someone to talk to.
trulysorry78
New Member
Member # 39490
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I am writing this in last ditch attempt to save my relationship. I will make this very short. Short as possible. I was married ten years then divorced. I started "dating" I met a great guy. After a few bad ones. I really hurt him though. I went into this thinking it was dating. He caught me chwating 2 times. After that he went to another country for vacation w/o telling me for 3 weeks. he took me back after the cheating but left. I then took him back. After that he cheated. On new years we made a pact it was just us. Well new years day I receive a text from a girl wishing me well w him and she hope he treats me better. She said thwy were boyfriend n girlfriend. I was laying w him as I got text. I forgave him. Next week on his ipad I see he created a match.com profile. I flip out n go hysterical. Come february he leaves again for 3 weeks. He apologizes. I take him back. Through my hurt, I fall back to the guy I originally cheated w and cheat again. Well he knew. I denied for awhile. I was embarrassed and ashamed but I knew then how much I really love this man. Today I told him everything. I said in order to be together we have to be honest, loyal and sincere. Dead our old us and start a new healthy relationship. The old us is gone. I do not want anyone else. I can't stomach myself for what I did. There r no excuses. I know he is hurt. I know he is in pain. He also will not take fault. He said I made us like this. I understand I did wrong but believe it takes two. Well during our convo today he happened to say he can never b faithful to me again. I'm hoping that was the hurt side of him. I'm going back to him. If anything I can prove to myself I am a good woman. I will be true to him and myself. I am by far remorseful. I disrespected him and myself. I am hoping this is a means to an end of r fighting. He is a vindictive eye for an eye person. I'm hoping I can regain his trust again. I am humbling myself and humiliating myself. My life will be an open book to him. My focus is on me and being the woman he wants and needs as well as the woman I know I am. We have been together almost 2 years. I'm madly in love with him. I am curious if this seems totally crazy or if anyone has faith we can get beyond this. We have loved eachother through this all. Someone please share any insight.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2013
EvolvingSoul
Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Hi there, and welcome to SI. Sounds like your situation is incredibly tangly. It sucks that you and your BS's choices have led you to this place but if you stick around it can be an invaluable tool for healing.

If you really want to save your relationship you both will have to figure out what parts are yours to own and what parts are his. You both will have to figure out why you cheated (this is harder than you might think) and then fix your brain so that when confronted with the same circumstances in the future you will not make the same devastating choices.

You're going to want to do this whether you are able to reconcile with him or not, otherwise it's likely you'll go on making devastating choices in any future relationship.

The Healing Library, if you haven't already found it, is a great place to start. There is a link to it in the yellow box on the upper left part of your screen. People here will help you if you really want to figure your shit out. Read, post, read, read and try to answer questions that people ask you.

I have one myself...

I started "dating" I met a great guy. After a few bad ones. I really hurt him though. I went into this thinking it was dating. He caught me chwating 2 times.

What does this mean exactly? That you thought it was okay to date other people but he thought you guys were being exclusive?


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 253 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

today he happened to say he can never b faithful to me again

Oh, sweetie. Is that the life you want? A man who can't be faithful to you?

Find a therapist and work out your issues.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1045 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
trulysorry78
New Member
Member # 39490
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Yes. That's what I meant. Sorry for not clarifying. I plan on sticking around. Took me alot to even write this

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2013
trulysorry78
New Member
Member # 39490
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I took that step too going to a therapist. Its not the life I want. I also think he is saying it to hurt me. Right now I think everyrhing he says will be anger. I'd be angry too. My friends think he is controlling me making me into a porcelain doll. Idk what to do. I do know I want forgiveness. I can only be honest and forthright. I owe that much to him and myself.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2013
EvolvingSoul
Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Did you hide from him that you were going on dates with other people? Did it just never come up?


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 253 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
grains
Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I am sorry that you are going through this. I know that it is painful and confusing and very complex. I am sure that your partner feels the same way. I have learned that it is important to have personal recovery before you can have a truly healthy relationship. Sometimes it is our relationships that prevent us from from being healthy. We can always change this but it would require work and a decision on our part to make the change. I think you are in what is called a codependent relationship. Please look at:

http://www.coda.org/

I am not an expert or veteran on these matters. All I know is that I am in recovery and am very thankful for it. CoDependents Anonymous and its ideas have helped me a lot. It is a very powerful recovery tool but you must choose to do the work. This comes from the love that involves making difficult choices and staying with them for the well-being of others and most of all for yourself. You deserve to be healthy and happy and most of all - free. Good luck on recovery.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
trulysorry78
New Member
Member # 39490
What?  Posted: 7:25 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Hello. The first times it never came out nor did I hide it. After our new years talk and his indiscretions then, I did cover it up and lie. Because I knew at that point we were serious so I had to. Well I didn't have to, I wanted to. No excuses.

As far as codependency, I believe you are correct which is why I'm taking these steps. I was hinest to free those chains and heal me. Hopefully it freed him a bit. I am also willing to give him time because I am going to take time for me. If we still care and love one another after this, then great. If not, it wasn't meant to be. I really want to know if people have survived this. I've heard sometimes the relationship becomes stronger. I feel already more strength. It was definitely easier screwing up then fessing up. However I feel better fessing up. I feel horrible about screwing up. Sometimes easier isn't always better


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2013
EvolvingSoul
Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Sorry I'm just still kind of confused...

The first times it never came out nor did I hide it.

So how exactly did he catch you cheating that first time around, before he left for three weeks. You happened to mention you were going on dates with other people? He saw you with someone? You said he caught you twice. That means twice before he left for his 3-week trip?


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 253 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
trulysorry78
New Member
Member # 39490
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

The first time he caught me, was after his first trip.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2013
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

I agree with your friends that say he is controlling you. Okay, you slept with a guy, a couple of times? A few times? How many times has he cheated now? Eye for an eye does not work with many things, especially infidelity.

Just as you chose to sleep with someone, he chose to do the same thing. Has he come clean to you? Is he as open about things as you are?

Personally, I would not want a relationship with anyone who I could use the word vindictive to describe their traits. If you aren't married, and there are no kids, you should consider ending this relationship IMO. If you think your SO can do the same work you are wanting to do, then maybe it's worth it. But, there is a lot of damage already...


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
trulysorry78
New Member
Member # 39490
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

Hello. I cheated 4 times. I am willing to do the work. No we are not married, there are no kids. I say vindictive because that is his demeanor when wronged. I don't feel I would have to work on things for a marriage or kids sake. I feel if love is there it should be worked on regardless. I do love him. I am remorseful. I am ashamed. We both deserve better from eachother. I saw him last night for first time in a week. Was awkward yet soothing. I know this will take time. I have plenty. He is controlling I do realize, and I fault myself for that. I shouldn't but I do. No he really has never come clean except once. I do not ask because I know already. I also feel if I look for something, I will find something. Looking means I have doubt. Any doubtful mind can make the smallest thing turn into huge thing. So I rather preserve my emotions on good things. I am starting to believe I am probably little crazy for doing this but I am in love. I will go through these ups and downs but maintain my own dignity. I will never cheat again. I will also give into his doubts with being open. I will check in with him. I will leave all communication open. I am not fixing our old relationship. I am trying to build a brand new healthy relationship. Finally sleeping next to him after a week apart felt amazing. And I told him that.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2013
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

I'm not sure what to say. On one hand I have this romantic streak a mile wide, on the other hand I have this pessimistic side that creeps in...so I don't want to dismiss your feelings of love toward your SO, but there are a lot of things going on which worry me.

We both deserve better from eachother.
I agree. In reality, is he capable of meeting this goal? Is he going to be able to do the hard work to hold up his end of the bargain?

He is controlling I do realize, and I fault myself for that. I shouldn't but I do.

Do you mean that you fault yourself for being controlled? This is a huge issue, and something that YOU need to work on. Don't work on it with him, work on yourself to recognize his controlling tactics and then put boundaries in place to not be controlled. If you can protect yourself, is he going to realize the change you've made? Will that be enough for him to realize he should change? Or is he going to go the other direction and be more vindictive when his tactics don't work on you anymore?

I do not ask because I know already. I also feel if I look for something, I will find something. Looking means I have doubt. Any doubtful mind can make the smallest thing turn into huge thing. So I rather preserve my emotions on good things.
This is called minimizing and rugsweeping. You know, so to keep the peace, and your sanity, you aren't going to address the issue. I'm here to tell you that this won't work. It's all over these boards. So many people have not dealt with the issues and only had the goal of making a better, stronger, new marriage or relationship. The old crap eventually creeps back in. The old ways return. Resentments build and things blow up.

Is he as open with his communication? Do you see that if he isn't that you two will not be equals?

You can't build a better relationship on your own. It takes two people. If you want to make changes, do them for yourself. Make healthy changes. Once you start becoming the person you want to be, he will either realize he needs to grow too, or you will realize that he isn't capable of growing like you and you will move on. But doing all of this only for him or only for the love you have for him, when he is not returning the same thing to you is going to end in disaster.

One person can't save a relationship. One persons love isn't enough for both if the other person isn't capable of change. That is a judgment only you can make. But I don't think you are in a place yet where you can make that call.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
trulysorry78
New Member
Member # 39490
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

Hey baxter. Yes agree with what you say totally. Which is why I am focusing on me. I'm not so much "rugsweeping" I am focusing on me and doing the right things at the moment for myself. If he respects that, he will change. If not he won't and I move on. But I will move on with a clear conscious and healthy mind. A woman I work with said I was young and needed to do right by me first. I can't focus on what he's doing right now. I can better myself. He is very observant so I do believe he will notice. And not notice in a week, a month, etc. This. Will take some time. The controlling issue, I do believe I caused as he said I made us like this. Thibgs like that, I can listen to because its two people. I do think right now everything he says is out of anger. His emotions have been played with. His heart toyed with. I cannot expect that he will be anywhere near rational. Scabs do not heal overnight. But, I do not want to put bandaids on them constantly either. I feel he is willing to work on things. He wouldn't have came if he didn't want to he could bring my keys and belongings back and tell me to take a hike. I also believe some of his anger is w himself because he knows he has done wrong as well and has hard time admitting it. Leading to frustration.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2013
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

You are wrong to think that if he notices changes in you and decides he respects you, he will change.

He will change if he can stop the dysfunctional thought process that led him to cheat in the first place.

There is nothing you can do to change him, or make him want to change.

Are you addicted to this relationship?


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
trulysorry78
New Member
Member # 39490
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

That's a really good question. Although I do not suffer from any other addictions. I just might be addicted to this relationship.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2013
trulysorry78
New Member
Member # 39490
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, June 10th (Monday)

So, to all that have replied to me I wanted to give an update of sorts. Things have been ok. I was asked by a friend to come visit his new place. I asked my bf if we can go in August and he said yes. As I do not know what that should mean, but it seems to me that he sees us together in the near future. We have been communicating. We have seen eachother. I do have my neediness that I find myself asking him if he loves me. I have to stop that. I think he is showing me he in fact does love me by still talking to me. We have plans to watch a movie tonight and spend the night together. IDK

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
What?  Posted: 2:34 PM, June 10th (Monday)

I think you need to take a break from each other and get some clarity.

If you were deeply in love with him you wouldn't have cheated regardless if you were hurt or not. If he was deeply in love with you he wouldn't have cheated - numerous times. He also wouldn't leave for 3 weeks at a time to "punish" you.

This is not a healthy relationship on either of your parts.

You can prove to yourself you are a better woman. Yes, you can. But you can never PROVE yourself to another person. They will either like/love you for who you are and see it through your actions or they will choose to move on. You cannot control him or how he perceives you.

You state you hope to regain his trust. What about him regaining yours?

A relationship takes two. If he has told you he will never be faithful to you then that is the first thing to discuss with your IC. How do you come to terms with accepting that and moving forward?

Good luck.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1099 | Registered: Apr 2013
trulysorry78
New Member
Member # 39490
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, June 10th (Monday)

I have realized that YES I do want to trust him again. I do trust him again. Ironically I do. I have to if I want anything between us to work. I do not want to repair our relationship. I want to work out the issues we have with honesty and sincerity. Then I want to build a new healthy relationship with him. I am in love with this man. I am not in love with the "idea" of this man. Will he forgive me? I do not know. I forgive him. I do blame myself, and he constantly tells me I made us like this which doesnt help. But I also feel that is his anger speaking. Like Ive said over and over, I am confused and on shaky ground with him right now. When I cheated I didnt love him you are right. But after I fell in love with him I told him the truth about everything!!

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 19