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User Topic: found condoms.....what to do?
Titanium
Member
Member # 38866
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

WH went out yesterday in my car. I thought i would have a poke around in his car seeing i havnt for a while. Got to stay vigilent.

Nothing to see and everything looked the same. Behind the seat is a car manual book. Now i cant remembernif i have ever looked throughnit before which frustrates the hell out of me as i have been top sniffer dog for so long now but completely blank about this.

I flick through the book and i find 2 condoms. Not ours thats for sure......

The expiry date is 2014. I rang the pharmacy and asked what the standard expiry dates are. They told me minimum 2 to 4 years. When i spoke to the OW last year i asked her if they had safe sex. She said no and that she was clean, nothing to worry about. How considerate of her.

I do believe that it was always unprotected sex with them so what about these condoms.

I am thinking he has had them for a while now.

So what to do? A friend said leave them there and keep checking to see if they disappear. I am at a point now a half arsed R going on, that i would like to know who i am really married too.

I cant take the torment.......

Do i ask him about them or leave it and see what happens?

I have so much strength now i just confront head on. Tired of the bullshit. I am at a place now where i so need to move on but not if he is a liar abd possible SA.

I guess what i am searching for is have there been others?

What do you think is the best way to handle it?


BS me 48
Him 45 NPD/SA fucktard
1 beautiful DS
M 20 yr T 24
DD#1 Jan 12
DD#2 Aug 12 LTA/PA with pond scum
Divorced....... :))
Shoot me down but I wont fall.
I am Titanium

Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
completeshock
Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Leave them there and see what happens. If you confront he isn't going to tell you the truth anyway, right?


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
Titanium
Member
Member # 38866
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Yes i thought that.........i will have to be patient......not one if my strongest traits.

(((Cheers))))


BS me 48
Him 45 NPD/SA fucktard
1 beautiful DS
M 20 yr T 24
DD#1 Jan 12
DD#2 Aug 12 LTA/PA with pond scum
Divorced....... :))
Shoot me down but I wont fall.
I am Titanium

Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
completeshock
Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I found condoms too, so I know what you are feeling. I'm so sorry.


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Does it matter? You found condoms. You know what that means. Do you really need to continue to investigate? Do you really not know what to do with this information? What good would a confrontation do at this point? Would you expect gushing remorse, full confession & miraculous change-of-heart to the Perfect Husband? Could you believe anything he says at this point and forever going forward?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9673 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
time2Bstronger
Member
Member # 34715
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I am so sorry that you are in this position. I had found condoms years ago and we never used them. In my opinion, no one purchases and hides condoms unless they at least mean to use them. Also, and I might be naive (still!) but I would think if an AP were to lie about protected/unprotected sex, they would claim it was always protected...but what do I know. I probably wouldn't be able to just sit on this info. but if you can wait and see what happens to the hidden condoms, you may get a real answer. Again,I'm so sorry.

Posts: 356 | Registered: Feb 2012
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

((((Titanium))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25359 | Registered: Aug 2011
Random thoughts
Member
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Can you hide a VAR in his car?


Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.
FWW

Posts: 1593 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
longjourney
Member
Member # 6418
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I hate to even admit this but what I did when I found condoms was to put a small pen mark on each packet to make sure that if I looked again and it was the same number, that I'd know if they were the originals. At any rate, leave them. If you confront him now, he'll just lie. Better to have something concrete.


Physical infidelity is the signal, the notice given, that all fidelities are undermined.
- Katherine Anne Porter

Posts: 835 | Registered: Feb 2005
HeartInADustpan
Member
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Leave them. Keep track of them.

Since this is general, my evil instinct is to poke little holes in them, soak in jalapeno juice and see if he comes home burning later.

But, seriously, leave them. I'm with your friend on this.


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
stillhere09
Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, June 9th (Sunday)


I once found condoms and I was so upset that I confronted immediately without thinking. How I regretted it! I wish I had left them there and not said anything. Leave then there so you can check later to see if they're still there.

Of course, in any event, he was either using them to cheat in the past or else he is still cheating. But you will want to know for certain which is the case. I'm so sorry. I know that feeling.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
honesttoafault
Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

The problem with leaving them there is that he might remember and hide them or even throw them out and may never use them.

I know what you mean, you want to give him the benefit of the doubt that he stopped the A and forgot about these. But you said that the OW said they never used protection.

Don't tell him yet. Use a VAR and go on detective mode. I know it's hard. I always confronted right away and WH was able to gaslight, blameshift and give some lame excuse for any evidence I found.


Posts: 1939 | Registered: Jan 2010
Titanium
Member
Member # 38866
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

Thanks everyone. I shall go with majority and leave them there.

Jalapeno dipping sounds like a plan :-) and a number system.......love the idea.

I havent been posting on SI for that long so at the risk of sounding silly what does VAR mean?


BS me 48
Him 45 NPD/SA fucktard
1 beautiful DS
M 20 yr T 24
DD#1 Jan 12
DD#2 Aug 12 LTA/PA with pond scum
Divorced....... :))
Shoot me down but I wont fall.
I am Titanium

Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
stillhere09
Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 3:02 AM, June 9th (Sunday)


VAR is a Voice Activated Recorder. It pretty much fits into the palm of your hand, and it records any voice within several feet. It doesn't stay on record. It records only if there is a voice. It needs no tape and makes no sound. It can record up to 60 hours. It's a great little device because it can be hidden anywhere. 50 bucks or so at many stores.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

I'm guessing that they are old.

This is super gross, but condoms aren't always used for sex with someone else. I know a lot of guys who jerk off into condoms (no mess to clean up). Could this be a possibility?

I would put them back- with a note how you really appreciate him taking the time to wrap it up this time. I guarantee, if they are old, he won't know anything about the note. If they aren't, he will get pissed about it.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

Titanium

Do put a VAR in his auto. You can put it behind the seat or under the seat and under the steering wheel too.

Also look at his email and text messages. If you can put a tracker on his phone that will let you know where he is. IF you are a tech savy gal? I would track his activities on the computer.
You can get a lot of info on this site..
Keep quiet and watch he will reveal his true self!
Get your ducks in a roll financially. Make copies of tax returns and his pay stubs and give them to a friend or put in a safe lock box that only you have access to.
Good luck.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

Do not tip him off in any way. I guarantee you will never get back into his car and he will become more vigilant at hiding things. I speak from experience.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20170 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

You can do what I did (the first time): ignore them, then buy the ridiculous rationale for their presence.

It doesn't work particularly well, but it's the path of least resistance.

I'm being semi-facetious, but really--it didn't make a lot of difference, for me. This whole infidelity thing has been an exercise in learning that I have absolutely no control over anyone but myself.

The good thing is that I learned HOW to control myself--how to state what I will and will not tolerate, an how to follow through. It took me an agonizingly long time (thanks Mom and Dad), but I learned.

You already know what the condoms mean. You don't need to collect more evidence. You don't need to sit back and watch what happens. None of us needs more than what we know, once we know our spouses are cheaters. Judges don't care---it's us who require the smack upside the head that somehow makes it impossible to ignore what we've known all along.

I'm NOT being critical. Trust me. We all act in our own time, when we're ready. It's a process.

You ask what to do. I ask: what are you ready to do?

Really, that's the only question---for any of us.

The one bit of advice I'd give is that, if you suspect continued infidelity, start getting ducks in a row. You don't ever have to march them out into the courtyard, if things start heading in the right direction. But if things head south, you want to be in a good position.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8688 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

One does not buy condoms and hide them in the road map book unless one is having an affair. Bottom line. Don't tip your hand. Stand back, collect evidence, and make a decision.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3348 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

This is super gross, but condoms aren't always used for sex with someone else. I know a lot of guys who jerk off into condoms (no mess to clean up). Could this be a possibility?

Umm....yeah right.

This sounds like something out of the cheaters manual.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8023 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Topic Posts: 20