Just Found Out
User Topic: Before The Affair
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Before the affair: if somebody had asked you what you would do if you ever suspected or found out that your spouse has an affair, what would you have said?

Did you ever think that you would have reacted the way you actually did?

And once the storm is over, you wonít remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you wonít be the same person who walked in. Thatís what this stormís all about.Ē

Posts: 874 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I would have said that I would have dropped him like a hot rock.

Actually, I used to daydream about him cheating on me so I could have a ticket out of our dysfunctional marriage that didn't make me the bad guy.

This whole experience has been an eye-opening, live changing event. I try to never ever judge people making life decisions, especially if I've never been in their shoes.

Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - FranÁois-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17793 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I would have (and HAVE) said "I'd leave just like I did with XWH#1. My DS and I deserve better than a low-life, cheating sleazeball."


Talk about feelings of self betrayal.

Just call me Heart. :)
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Never, ever would have thought that I would have stayed, that alone, began trying to win him back. I still don't believe I did that. Now I'm not so much trying to win him back, or worried about if he runs back. Cause if he does it's OVER. But, I can't believe I am still here.

Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

Some things aren't predictable.

Before I would have said, "throw him out".

But I discovered the A via skype sex chats 5 days before he was meeting her for at a conference they both attend for a 9 day sex holiday and a coming out as a couple to their peers.

They had been planning our divorce and where they would live. They had even worked out how often they would be willing to take our kids (no more then 2 weekends a month, they wanted to live their own life unencumbered)

That night via the chat logs I also discovered the OW routinely drank to black out state and hated kids (her own admissions).

There was no way I was letting that creature near my kids. I also had an overwhelming desire to completely f&*k up her plans. She had dumped her BH a few months earlier to be with my WH.

I intended to toss WH out and get a restraining order using the skype logs as evidence.

But when I tried to toss WH out and he begged to stay, I saw an opportunity to destroy the OW. I sucked it up, let him stay, and had him immediately send a NC email to OW.

I will say it gave me great pleasure to know that she had already traveled a great distance and was in the conference city waiting for him. Even better... without him she had no hotel room reserved for the 9 days.

Initially, my plans were to "play along" until I knew OW was good and gone. I wanted her life to blow up just as big as mine had. I know for a fact it has.

Somewhere along the way I noticed that my WH was actually doing the work to change and become a decent human being. Now I am staying because I can see the potential for a promising future.

Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 893 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

I always said that I didn't know what I would do, and that it would depend on the situation.

Wen it happened, I tried to make it work for 2 years before I bailed. He had left years before.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7761 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

I always said to her " what ever you do don't bring the A to the house". Jokingly ofcourse.

I never imagined, she'd have an extraM A. All the time people said if at all, I'd be the one who would have an A between exW and me.
I got a chance too, but, didn't avail the offer.
My laywer too asked me if I was having an A, and trying to get rid of my wife. This was before discovering the A but after getting threats of DV and mental torture over her changed behaviour, due to the A of course.

BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

HAHAHA! The joke was so on me. Before I found out about the affair, FWH was a real selfish dickhead to me most of the time. A favorite phrase of his was "Shut up, bitch!" Yeah, my fault for staying and waiting for him to cheat or find out he was cheating.

Some of the things he would say to me were along the lines of "I'm leaving, I can't take your shit anymore!" mostly because he had to beg me for sex. I mean, when you tell your wife "Shut up, bitch!" and then 5 minutes later he is in bed with you and wants to fool around, I need a little bit more foreplay then the standard "Shut up, bitch!" Can't imagine why I didn't want to have sex with him.

So, when he would threaten me with leaving, I would think "Go ahead and leave, go find someone else to fuck, do you think anyone else would want to have sex with you?" HAHAHA! Guess I was wrong. I also didn't think it would hurt me, I thought I would be relieved. Just like Jrazz.

I used to daydream about him cheating on me so I could have a ticket out of our dysfunctional marriage that didn't make me the bad guy.

I thought I would kick his ass to the curb. Instead, I wound up comforting HIM on d-day. No, really didn't think I would react that way!

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9794 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

That I would divorce her, no questions asked.

But then reality hits: I got a glimpse of the type of lowlife she would pick to raise our 4 children. So R has to be given every chance.

Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children

Posts: 1450 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

I always said that I would kick anyone who did that to me to the curb and make sure that he bounced. Preferably several times. And take him for every penny he had.

Funny enough, when I confronted on DDay, that''s exactly what he saw and realized. I think that the exact words out of my mouth were "you have one and only once chance to come clean to me. If you lie to me, then don''t let the door hit you in the ass, you bastard!" I was ready and willing to boot him out. Of course, at that time, I didn''t actually KNOW that he had had a ONS. I found loads of info in the computer indicating that he was looking, talking to women, and begging for sex, but not the actual proof. When he gave it up, I know that I lost my mind. But in my rage, a sane voice told him exactly how it would be, and we continued on from there.

I never thought that would happen. I was convinced that I would boot him out. I have no idea of why I didn''t, except for his coming clean and me still loving him.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4915 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

A friend of mine found evidence of her H having an EA with a family friend. The H was away that weekend, so when he came back, she welcomed him with the phrase:" Do you want a divorce? Cause if you want one, you got it buddy!!!"

He came clean and they are still together. What I find strange is that the lady is still a family friend....

And once the storm is over, you wonít remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you wonít be the same person who walked in. Thatís what this stormís all about.Ē

Posts: 874 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

I always said it was a deal breaker. I said I would leave immediately! Well 13 months later I am still here trying like hell to get my life back. It's funny I hear people talking about cheating a lot, and everyone says they would leave, but I come on here and I see that many of us try to stay first. I'm really struggling with this because I feel as though I am betraying myself by staying. Like he needs to be punished more for ruining me.

Posts: 278 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

I am in the same boat as most...I never thought he would ever betray but was sure, when he did I'd be never know until you are faced with such a decision

Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 15088
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

I would have divorced him. I did, eventually. It took me longer then I anticipated due to fear. I was a SAHM with no way to support myself let alone our kids. I didn't have any family around. I was alone.

But I was no more alone then I was in my marriage. My XH was a difficult person...very manipulating, compulsive liar, everyone but his family came first, blah, blah, blah. When the affair and everything else that came flooding in finally settled, I realized he wasn't worth it anymore. I wanted better or nothing at all. That is when I left.

Taking the year and a half allowed me to get straight in my head. I am glad I didn't rush it, but I do wish I had left sooner.



~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown

Posts: 2190 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Oregon
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

I thought I'd throw someone out. If he had had sex with her I'm fairly sure I would have. I can't imagine that not being a deal breaker for me personally.

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

I said I would throw him out. I did.

Unfortunately this wasn't my first rodeo with infidelity, and he knew it. I'm actually pretty sure he told me about the affair so that he could have an excuse to leave.

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13797 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

I would have said he was an alcoholic asshole but a loyal one who wouldn't have an A, in part because he wouldn't expend the energy required to be nice to someone else... I would and did say, if he did spend time being nice to someone else when he couldn't be nice to me, I would be pissed as hell and make his life miserable.

Well, I was right about the second part. I just had no idea that pissed would extend to bat shit crazy.

Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1536 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

Before the affair: if somebody had asked you what you would do if you ever suspected or found out that your spouse has an affair, what would you have said?

I wouldn't have....because it wasn't even a possibility.

2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

A friend of mine had an experience similar to mine just a couple months before my dday. I was appalled ( but didn't say so) that he would even consider trying to work it out. I think it's part of the reason I'm feeling so bad about attempting R. I feel like a huge sucker.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller

Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
New Member
Member # 39468
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

I always said that if my H was to ever have an affair it would be the deal breaker but here I am trying to make it work because I love this man. I have days where certain things trigger me and I go off and I have every right too! H broke the trust so he will have to earn it back. I never saw this coming people say the signs had to be there but for me it wasn't .

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: HH
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

I never gave it any thought, because I believed he was so ethical that he would never have an affair. I mean, I never even thught to myself, what if he has an affair. Completey out of the picture.

Now that I've had to think about it, I can say that I will not put up with another affair.

DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 38561
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

What I've been through since Dday often has me in disbelief as to how naive I was to the pain that infidelity can cause. Any response I would have had to such a question prior to the A is completely irrelevant and I assume that goes for just about anyone who hasn't lived it in some way.

ME - A new person
HER - A waining memory
DDay - 2/22/2013
2-3 month EA/PA
Together for 6 years, ready to start my life . . .

"I can fill the flask up, but can't get past us
I'm in the storm, staying strong, but can't get back

Posts: 177 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

I told my WH if he cheated on me I would leave his sorry ass.

My IC informed me that we all think that.

If it weren't for her I probably would have left his sorry ass.

She advised me not to take immediate action. She told me that marriages do survive infidelity. She was a source of strength when I needed it most. She was my saving grace during those dark days.

ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2121 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

I always said one time cheating and I'm done. When I found out I had HPV he told me he had had a ONS. It was extremely difficult but I was able to forgive him for it and move forward.

Unfortunately, it wasn't the truth. He had had multiple encounters including a LTA and was currently in a long term F**kbuddy and sexting situation with a woman who was juggling several men that he knew of. If he had come clean and changed on DD1 who knows where we would be. The combination of not caring for my health enough to stop cheating and continued lying made staying together impossible. It did take a long time for me to figure that out.

If I ever marry or date again I think it would be easier to drop someone if they cheated after this. It's still very difficult now to give up on a 32 year relationship and my first love.

Divorced and beginning my new life.

2 Ddays and lots of TT

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken

Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, June 10th (Monday)

I did exactly what I told him I would. I went straight to my attorney and filed for D the minute my plane landed. He of course begged and pleaded for another chance, saying he didn't love her, didn't want a D, yada yada yada... Well I put D on hold, then a yr later found out he had taken the A underground. Again the begging, pleading, yada yada yada. I am giving him a second chance again, but it looks like he doesn't have it in him to put in the effort to fix himself. I now wished I had just went ahead with the D because I know thats where I am headed in the future. He is NC (as far as I can tell)and transparent, and regretful. He however is not remorseful and that is what I need in order to stay in this marriage. His time is running out and I am detaching to save myself more pain.

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
New Member
Member # 39497
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, June 10th (Monday)

I always thought I would kick her to the curb, but now that it happened, I still want her. I can't explain it.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, June 10th (Monday)

Before the affair: if somebody had asked you what you would do if you ever suspected or found out that your spouse has an affair, what would you have said?

That I don't care about excuses or what the "reason", I don't stay with cheaters.

Did you ever think that you would have reacted the way you actually did?

Yes, I did. I knew what I'd do, and I did it.

Now I will admit that for a short month I tried ONLY because I didn't want a broken home for my kids. But I realized that wasn't my fault, but hers, and that I wouldn't be doing them any good as a father by being miserable staying with someone I now despised.

Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
Topic Posts: 27