I was you at 23yo.
Married at 20. MrH had an online A our first year of M. While he was away with the military he made out with some chick, going under her bra...so heavy petting I guess.
When I decided to S at 25yo because the the verbal and borderline physical abuse he told me he was leaving and never coming back.
Like you, I let a man use me. I want as young and he wasn't as old but I only said yes because I felt worthless, unloviable and unwanted.
Even though we had legally S and MrH had gone NC with me, when he decided he did want the M, he considered that time cheating. Then had two As within a decade, justifying it in part to what I had done.
He verbally abused me and again, like you, I gave him hell back. Eventually the fight began to leave me. I had two kids to take care of and I felt pathetic.
Here I am, looking at turning 40yo in a matter of weeks. My entire M has been a fight one way or another and MrH hasn't pulled his wight relationship wise until recently. Only now because I have taken classes and IC and learned what abuse is. That I'm not crazy. That I don't deserve to be treated this way...and this way isn't even what it once was: what you describe. This way is simply a husband who appears to be loving, buys me gifts, holds my hand...but won't take time out of his day to seek my heart. To help me heal from his choices and actions.
After we talked to our pastor he told me I betrayed him. I betrayed him. Like my IC said...I betrayed him by telling people what he did.
Like you, I was dumped out of my family as a teen. I wanted my first love to work out. Please don't be like me and hold on for decades telling yourself he's different. He's not that bad. Yeah- he can change. It's only worth it if he does it sooner rather than later and there's no need for him to change while he can dump on you.
Do you understand a M shouldn't be this? Shouldn't be him making you relive shameful, violating moments? Shouldn't be filled with false accusations? Shouldn't be a verbal and physical combat zone? That it doesn't have to be hitting to be abuse...holding you down on the bed counts.
Making excuses for him enables him to live in his behavior indefinitely. What about when he does this to kids you might have? My mom used to lie and say she saw me doing things then punish me...that's SO damaging. What happens for the next half a dozen decades?
Call you mental health center, local women's shelter...find out what abuse is and how to get help for yourself first. Find a codependent's group in your area: http://www.coda.org/
Don't accept this. When we make excuses, it's because we know its wrong behavior. "Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*
❣I hope my issues don't discourage ur healing. I've buried a lot & my WH hasn't done his part in R❣