Topic: Npd xh doesn't care that I am a worn out single mom
Member # 27541
| Posted: 4:08 PM, June 9th (Sunday)|
XH does pay CS--most of the time--because it's drafted from his paycheck. He has skipped a couple of payments. Our D papers say that we split extra-curricular expenses.
He asked me a month ago to go in halves with him on guitar lessons for DD8. I explained that I couldn't because i'm paying all dance lesson expenses (tuition, recital, costumes, etc.). I brought up the fact that for 2 years, I've paid for all extra-curricular. I never asked for anything from him because of all the crap I've been through with him (He's NPD (harassment)). He reacted like a baby telling me that he shouldn't have to help with dance because he was already helping me out by paying CS and insurance.
Last night he sent a message asking me to go in halves so that DD can be on the swim team at the YMCA. It's not the money this time. It's time. I work late on Mondays. I take DD to dance on Tuesdays. I work late on Wednesdays, then we go to church until 8. Thursday is the only day we have at home. Fridays I spend hauling DD to XH one weekend or going to see family 2.5 hours away on the other weekends. With all my extra duties at work, I am exhausted and would like to have at least one evening at home so DD can play with her neighbor friends and I can get some work done. I would love for DD to do this, but I just don't have the time.
When I explain this to XH, I already know his response. He will tell me that I only care about myself--not my daughter. If you've read my stuff before, you'll know that my XH is insane and almost impossible to deal with (NPD). Any response I give must be carefully thought out, and even at that, everything will be my fault and I will be the horrible mother.
Any advice on how to respond on this matter?
Me BS45. XWH44 NPD. M 8 yrs. DD8. Dday 1/26/10. DIVORCED 5/16/11. Harassment charges twice. Judge ordered NCO for 1 yr, as well as parenting & anger mgmt classes. NCO has since expired, so harassment continues disguised as concern for DD.
Posts: 781 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: USA
Member # 34533
| Posted: 4:20 PM, June 9th (Sunday)|
When my kids were growing up, we used the rule only 1 outside activity at a time. It wasn't for the adults, I wanted kids to have time to learn to entertain, play without structure. Maybe use that has a reason to not add additional activities.
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3
They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen
Posts: 672 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
Member # 24961
| Posted: 4:35 PM, June 9th (Sunday)|
You can't "use" the fact that you are exhausted with him. That will double his efforts, because then he knows every minute of your time is taken.
Use the one activity at a time is enough. If he insists, then tell him to find an activity that is on his nights only, and he can look after getting her to and from it.
BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.
WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.
Posts: 5373 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Member # 39099
| Posted: 4:44 PM, June 9th (Sunday)|
Any advice on how to respond on this matter?
In as nice and kind a way as possible, tell him to go screw himself.
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
Posts: 1331 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
|Sad in AZ|
Member # 24239
| Posted: 5:12 PM, June 9th (Sunday)|
He will tell me that I only care about myself--not my daughter.
You know this isn't true, so why do you care? Be simple and straight-forward--I don't have time to do this. No explanation, no complaints.
Be careful with having him put her into activities on his time; he will use this as a way to control more of DD's time (there will be swim meets as well as practices, possibly team parties-you get the picture.)
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.
Posts: 19811 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 3075
| Posted: 5:20 PM, June 9th (Sunday)|
Of course he doesn't care that you are worn out. That is why you don't want to engage - it makes him look more important than he is.
Posts: 292 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: CA
Member # 38458
| Posted: 5:43 PM, June 9th (Sunday)|
Just say no and give him the truth, you don't have the time. Him being an NPD person means your reasons don't really matter anyway so no matter what his "brilliant" response may be just stick to "no".
Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013
Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Member # 36134
| Posted: 5:54 PM, June 9th (Sunday)|
No is a complete sentence.
I know it might not work with NPD... but it might be worth a try. No explanation... just 'No'.
If he wants her to have these extra curricular activities.. he can pay for them and he can haul her to and from them. I did that with XNPDH a lot when my kids were in HS band, sports etc... he would not take them to events after school or on weekends, It was in the best interest of the child to do these things... so I gave up trying to get him on board and just picked them up and took them myself. He lives close (< a mile) so it isn't a problem.
He wants her to do something else.. let him pay for swim camp during the summer. I am sure she would love it.
Have you visited the NPD thread in I Can Relate section of SI? Lots of us have dealt with NPD... and there is a lot of advice there.
I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.
Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Member # 13447
| Posted: 6:38 PM, June 9th (Sunday)|
Everyone else has given good replies, I just wondered about this:
Fridays I spend hauling DD to XH one weekend
Why doesn't he pick her up?
And could family visit you now and then?
That might help a bit with being so stretched.
"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*
❣I hope my issues don't discourage ur healing. I've buried a lot & my WH hasn't done his part in R❣
Posts: 10999 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
Member # 32810
| Posted: 6:41 PM, June 9th (Sunday)|
What about telling him that it's not in DD's best interest to add another activity at this time, in order to maintain balance between her existing activities, school work, and healthy social life/down time.
"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ
Posts: 13568 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 30989
| Posted: 6:55 PM, June 9th (Sunday)|
Just say no--simply, matter-of-factly, with as little talk as possible. "No, that really won't work for us."
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke
Posts: 8342 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 33062
| Posted: 7:14 PM, June 9th (Sunday)|
Of course he doesn't care that you're a worn out single mom. Did he care that you were the mother if his kids prior to affairs and std exposure? Either did my NPD ex. Sorry they suck!!
I love the one activity at a time rule!
My three keep me busy almost every single night even w this rule and it is truly exhausting. He can barley handle it his one night!lol
They just suck, and are very selfish people. We know this. You know what he says isn't true. Don't let him bully you.
Not great advice, but know you're not alone! (((SBH)))
Posts: 662 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 38378
| Posted: 7:55 PM, June 9th (Sunday)|
I really, really agree! I agree with the other answers, but with NPD person for an XH, this type of thing could get ugly. The ideas for "one activity" are really good ones too and I agree with them. It's been our philosophy, too... though I will wish luck on placing any boundary on an NPD person.
I'm really sorry, Skeerd, but your situation sounds kind of like mine and people tell me "Of course he doesn't care, he's not there!" The actions, the actions, the actions.
Plus, if an activity is scheduled during the visiting time, he doesn't have to watch her or come up with things to do, right? He just provides transportation.
An example I can give is DD is in a big growth spurt and I can't keep her in pants that aren't high waters. She is at an age of falling and rips the legs apart or draws on them and then they're pretty crappy looking and I always felt like what she wears reflects on us.
So Perv has always tried to be generous with her -me, nothing-but her he will sometimes ask if she needs something or if he can get her anything. So a few months ago, I asked for pants.
He got two. So if DD wears one and one is dirty or two are dirty, I have no clean pants for her, right?
I finally swallowed some pride and asked him, "Can you either leave a little extra money or get a couple pairs of pants for DD?"
The reply: "I just bought pants." He himself probably has 10+ pair...WTF with the reasoning? I ask for little to nothing and never, ever for extra money for myself.
The money they spend for the A is so much and so shocking, WATK? (What About The Kids?)
I wanted make sure to mention that I give you credit for all you do, Skeerd, and you sound like a good mom.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Member # 13154
| Posted: 10:30 PM, June 9th (Sunday)|
The swimming level attained in competitive swim training may open up future opportunities for your daughter in terms of water sports activities. Competitive swimmers also experience success through self-discipline and improvement, and some studies have shown that competitive swimmers as a group tend to be high academic achievers. So, this could be a very good idea for your daughter, if you can figure out a way for it to be okay for you, and your schedule.
I would ask this:
1. Does DD want to join the swim team?
2. Does DD, her NPD father and you, know the expectations of this swim team regarding time/number of swim practices per week and swim meet participation? Can NPDx get daughter to/from the practices, or can someone else transport her there and back if NPDx can not, and you can not?
3. Do you know the dates/locations of swim meets and the costs? Will NPDx and/or you transport and watch your daughter at these swim events?
4. Assuming dear daughter wants to join swim team, I have found the best way to communicate with NPD is to make it all their idea, and not make excuses for yourself. NPDx will not care what you think or feel. Never forget this.
Generally, when I communicate with NPDx, I use the following format:
1st sentence: Provide Supply and make them think this idea is all theirs.
2nd sentence: Say yes to what you are willing to do, and be clear and concise.
Or say "no, I can not .......". Again, be clear and concise. Do not assume anything in communicating with NPDs.
Most important >>> Do not EVER provide excuses for why you can not do what NPDx desires from you. NPDs only want approval and agreement. Anything else is fuel for their wrath.
In the final sentence or two provide more supply for NPD. Be tactical in how you communicate with your NPDx. Put on your marketing hat - you know the one where you sound positive and upbeat, but can tell someone to go to hell, and have them packing and look forward to the trip! That is the only way to move forward co-patenting with an NPDx, at least in my experience.
Assuming that DD does want to join swim team and she understands the commitment required of her, and that you will not drive her to or from practices no matter what, you might write the following to NPDx -
DD thinks Swim team is a great idea of yours! I will provide 50% $ for the swim team fee, and 50% $ of the meet entry fees. I can not drive DD to and from swim practices during the week, or to the meets on the weekends she stays with you. I have made this clear to DD, so I know she will appreciate your making this possible for her, and driving her to swim practice and the meets on your weekends.
Thanks for this great idea.
Remember this in communicating with your NPDx:
There are NO EXCUSES in the mind of a true NPD. There are only those who agree and support him (her). Everyone else is either an obstacle, or of zero importance.
[This message edited by luv2swim at 10:55 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]
Him: NPD WS
Married 24 years
D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
WS + OW: Married 2011
Posts: 350 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
Member # 16953
| Posted: 2:42 AM, June 10th (Monday)|
This really has nothing to do with money on his end. He is attempting to manipulate control over you via DD8. I'm sure the guitar and swim lessons were all ideas he planted in your DD head. He knew prior to suggesting this that he does not pay for dance. He knew that your schedule was tight. He does this to make you the bad guy when your DD is disappointed that she can not engage in these activities. I can hear him now "I asked mommy if you could go to swim lessons. But she said no" NPD my ass. This dude is inflicting pain on his own child just to stick it to you. He is a sociopath. What you need to do is dump it all in his lap. Speak to your DD. Tell her you would love to have her engage in these activities. But explain to her that since you pay for and bring her to dance that Daddy needs to pay for and take her to these other events. That way she see's your not against it. And that Daddy needs to step up. Id bet a months income that all of a sudden its not such a good idea when he needs to pony up his time and $$$.
You cant eat soup with chopsticks.
Posts: 5568 | Registered: Nov 2007
|Helen of Troy|
Member # 26419
| Posted: 11:10 AM, June 10th (Monday)|
Npd xh doesn't care that I am a worn out single mom
I know this as well.
He delights in any report that I'm struggling. "She DESERVES it!!!"
Like what did we ever do that was so bad? divorce them for cheating so they could be with their soulmates?
Posts: 4677 | Registered: Dec 2009
|Topic Posts: 16|| |