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Just Found Out
User Topic: He is coming back from Iraq on Father's Day to talk
Penny2013
New Member
Member # 39320
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

Hi all, this is Penny. It's been a week or so. My WSH knows I know about his affair through FBook. He has written very little to me and been pretty harsh when I have tried to get more info from him. He wrote to me this morning saying he would like to come next Sunday to talk. I told him this is Father's Day. He said he did not know. This is not a good day to tell your daughter you are leaving your mother and her. He is clearly not thinking. I called him because I needed to know if he was still planning on living in this house with us. He answered and it was hard but I managed to talk to him. He told me he was going to take the boat to a small marina near the Boston area and live on the boat. He said the OW was not going to live on the boat with him. (It would be very difficult). Don't know if I believe him. I just know it will be extremely hard if he tried to stay here with me. He said he was ashamed of what he now knows I read on Facebook and tried to tell me he was just playing around. Did not mean anything. This blows my mind. How do you tell someone your so in love with them, meet and have hot passionate sex 3 times, send her 2 dozen roses for Mother's Day all the while blowing me off pretty much or just nearly speaking to me. They talked about so much stuff and nothing sounded fake to me.

I have seen a attorney 2 actually and I am saving money, getting my car all fixed with new tires and what ever else it needs. This is hard July 1 or 2, 1985 we met and started dating . We were married in 1985.

I have changed ALL my pass words and secured some stuff. I know next Sunday is going to be a very hard Day for both my daughter and myself. Don't know how I will deal with it. I don't know if I want the attorney to file for divorce or if I should just wait to see what he says when he comes home.

I pray every day and night for strength! I need it. Today when he told me he was going to be here next week I started shaking and got sick to my stomach and all the feelings of betrayal came rushing back to me. Please all pray for me to have strength and for God to guide me in the right direction.

I don't know what to do if he tries to tell me he is sorry and wants to stay with me. How can I ever trust him again. On the other hand if he goes I know it will be very hard as well. Worried about all our bills and how I will ever get a home of my own to continue my home preschool and child care business. So glad I put in for vacation July 6-13
. I felt like I was going to vomit this morning. Does anyone have any thing they can share .


Penny2013

Posts: 17 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Western , Mass
NoraLee
Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

Hi Penny...what do you want - in your heart? He has hurt you sooo many times...do you really want to continue the way it has been? Do you think he's capable of change? Do you think he has the capacity to endure your pain and help you heal?

Chances are, he's hoping to come home, do his pennence on the boat and then move back in - sweeping it all under the rug like before.

I understand you're scared. We're here for you - come here often, for advice or a boost in spirits...


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
longjourney
Member
Member # 6418
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

((((Penny2013))))

Big Hugs. Just know that we're here for you. And, basically, we've all pretty much been there and a lot of us have come through intact.

I don't know if he's being honest with you. Really doubt it. He may be staying on the boat, he may not. And if he wasn't even thinking that it was Father's Day, then he's really not processing things at all. From what you said about marrying in 1985, he seems to be in that dangerous mid-life crisis age. That's about when my WH starting wandering in earnest.

Just take care of yourself and kids and do what you are doing. Get things repaired, make sure you have access to all your paperwork if you need it, and keep track of the money. If things get rough, it's better to keep your mind on the practical things.


Physical infidelity is the signal, the notice given, that all fidelities are undermined.
- Katherine Anne Porter

Posts: 835 | Registered: Feb 2005
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

(((Penny)))

I read your profile. Honey, he has no remorse and he has never changed.

Do you want to be second fiddle the rest of your life?

He has betrayed you emotionally and financially REPEATEDLY.

I think you need to see an attorney tomorrow and get paperwork filed to protect you and your daughter financially.

Good luck. I wish only the best for you.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
Penny2013
New Member
Member # 39320
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

Just a correction . We met July 1984 and married Dec 1985


Penny2013

Posts: 17 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Western , Mass
Penny2013
New Member
Member # 39320
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Hi Everyone. Its been months since I wrote last. So much has happened to me. My soon to be ex did not even come back to talk to me until I told him I would call and report him missing. He came to the house after being back in the states a week. He was off with his girlfriend. I asked what he wanted and he told me he loved me but was not in love with me. He said he does not know if he ever loved me. He said he was being selfish but he could not help it. He did agree to help me out this house on market, help me by co signing for a smaller home for our daughter and myself. I need a home to continue my business. He agreed to give me half his military pension. And that he would pay child support and alimony. We went to. court in Aug and he agreed to all that. Withing a month he took me back to. court in Sept and changed his mind on. everything but the judge. throughout what he was trying to do. He stays on vacation all summer from. mid June till mid Sept. Did not come. see our daughter or help with house. but maybe 2 times. He went back to. Iraq for 3 weeks and then quit his job. He met another women and still kept. the first one as a spare. I have not. received any money from him since. mid November. He came to see our daughter only a handful of times since this began. After he tried to kick us out of house and pay me nothing but 500 a month in child support, ( keeping in mind he makes 250,000.00-300,000.00 a year) I told my attorney I wanted to change the grounds to adultery. My attorney changed it to cruel and abusive. This ticked him off and he tried to say he had to quit his job because of that charge. We went back to court again in November because of the contempt charges and it was delayed till
February 11. He started driving a truck cross country Jan 13. I still get nothing from him. He came to our house and. stayed in a spare room for two days before our court date in February. He heard me talking to my attorney and got very upset and said so your still taking me to court. See he sent me a few text while he was away driving telling me he wanted to stop everything ( meaning the divorce ) he never said he missed me. He said he missed. His old life and wanted it back that he has lost everything in the last 9 months. I said you have not even said u r sorry and he said he didn't think I would believe him anyway. He did not try to talk to me in the 2 days he was home. Just felt the same like he was a stranger. Anyway after he heard me talk to attorney he went up to his room and came back down and gave me a card his trucking company puts his money in and said here you can have what little bit I get from my job. He drove away and sent a text to tell his kids he loves them and that he was going to find a small quiet place to watch the sunset. That he had to end his pain. He asked for me to forgive him but he just could not live with the pain anymore. He gave me a list of companies and names to try n take to court after he was gone. He said that he could still provided even after he was gone. Anyway I was scared that he was going to commit suicide so I called a therapist he was scheduled to see and she told me to call the police n report him as a possible suicide. I did n 2 cars came to my house. They blocked the road and ended up scaring one parent I have in my Preschool. So they took the twins out n never came back. I lost about 1300.00 a month in income. He did not kill himself n came home the next morning. I called to report he was fine n back home. This time the police came with 6 cruisers and a firetruck and ambulance. Took him from house in handcuffs and took him to hospital to be evaluated. He was scheduled to be in hospital for 72 hours n got out in 5. This was one hour after our court date for him to face contempt charges. So he got that pushed into March now. He says he still wants to work things out with me but feels I have to take responsibility for my part in the marriage falling apart. I'm sure I have something to take responsibility for like taking the kids side once in a while and not his but he cheated on me countless times throughout our 30 years together. I caught HPV from him. He told this other women he kept working away from our home so he didn't have to be here with me. Now he expects me to think he didn't mean everything and just go back to living like I did. I can't do that and don't even find him attractive anylonger. I'm worried though that if I tell him I can't do that he will threatened suicide again. I know he is still in touch with the first lady. I seen text from her when he was home that they r both telling each other they love each other but also that they r not a couple. This women is unstable too and I do t want to be a victim of hers. He lies to her and blames that he can't be with her because of me. My therapist had surgery the other day so I don't have her to talk to. She did give me a name of someone else who I will see Thursday. I would like to get some kind of GPS monitoring device and put it on his car so if he threatens to commit suicide again I can tell the police how to find him. He worked with the state department so I think he knows how to lie and manipulate very easy. Can anyone give me suggestions?


Penny2013

Posts: 17 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Western , Mass
Penny2013
New Member
Member # 39320
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

I forgot to say he said he would speak to a counselor for himself and a marriage counselor but driving truck and now because of them taking him out in handcuffs he wont come back here. Not that I want him here but this is a excuse now why he will never be available to see a marriage counselor.


Penny2013

Posts: 17 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Western , Mass
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

This man is only capable of loving himself. He wouldn't have walked away from you and his children so easily otherwise. He only wants to come back because life is hard and you made it easier.

You need to go NC with him. The saying here is "No Contact = No New Hurts". Until he recognizes that his irresponsible behavior put him where he is now, he is not going to be worth dirt as a husband. Regardless of what his lips say (which isn't much), his actions don't match the actions of a remorseful, loving husband and until they do, NC. You deserve better than this and so do your kids. A good father spends time with his kids and helps support them. A good father doesn't walk away, stop supporting them, stop seeing them, and then threaten suicide and cause as much drama as possible in the little bit of time he is with them. It's still about him just as it always has been.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 3968 | Registered: Sep 2005
lastdance
Member
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

oh please NO CONTACT----NO CONTACT-----I am a mental health worker and I can tell you he is not going to commit suicide------he is bluffing-----if you believe his lies he will continue to drag you dpwn----all the mistake4s are his doing----he decided----you are not responsible for his life----you are not responsible-----just divorce him and he will be history----your kids do not have to suffer--- they see that he does not care about them-----better they do not see him again====stat healthy and strong

Posts: 152 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Penny, there is no reason for you to give this man a SECOND of your time. He has abandoned you time and time again and is only manipulating you now. He won't even support his kids! Ignore any suggestion you get back together, ignore any blame he puts on you for the prior state of your M, ignore any threats he makes about self-harm. He is toxic, toxic, toxic and you will be so much better off focusing on finishing the court proceedings, nailing him down financially, and moving on with your life. This guy is acting like a petulant brat and putting you through hell because he can't take real responsibility.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3734 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Penny2013
New Member
Member # 39320
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Hi Everyone, its been a while since I used this forum. I cant remember how to reply to people who sent me letters. I am very torn on what to do. I know its crazy because he has pretty much ignored me and our family for 9 months. now we are close to the divorce being done and he is facing contempt charges but he said he was contemplating suicide the night before court. I am beginning to think it was all a act. he left 9 months ago and never said he wanted to work our marriage out or that he was sorry. he told me he would stay if I wanted him to, but that he would not guaranty he would not cheat again. he told me back in June he loved me but was not in Love with me and does not know if he ever was. he said he had been living a lie for decades. this was like I knife in my already broken heart. it made me feel as if our whole life together was fake. this past Dec we had our 28Th anniversary. we have been together almost 31 years.

Now we were do to court on Feb 11 for contempt because he quit a job making $250,000.00 a year and never went back to work till Jan 6TH. he took a truck driving job making 9.50 an hour. his paychecks have been horrible and I still have not received any income , child support or alimony. nothing since sometime in the early part of November. on the 10Th of Feb. he sent me two text implying suicide. I was told to call police and let them know. he said he wants everything he lost back, (his old life) never said he wants me back and or that he was in love with me. when I mentioned that to him he said I am his life n always has been. He left the 10Th came back to the house the next morning. I called to report he was home and the missing person report can be stopped. the police came and made a huge seen. they took him out in handcuffs and took him to a hospital for 72 hour eval. he was out in 5 hours just after he was do in court. He would not say how he got out. the police were worried because he has guns and wont tell them where they are. He said they are in VA with someone from the State Dept. He left that same afternoon to go back out on the road to do trucking. he has not acted like a man who was so distraught over the thought of loosing me. I believe more and more as each day passes this was a game for him. a way to get the contempt charges postponed again. He says he wants to drop the divorce but wants to drive treuck and this will keep him gone all the time never knowing when he will come home. I seen a text to the OW telling her he was looking forward to taking her out on the road with him. My head is spinning. Our girls and son who is in the army and the whole family were worried sick he was going to kill himself and it just sickens me to think he played a act to get out of going to court. I have not been sleeping well because my head was spinning so much. I told him he does not say I love you or act like he misses me so much. very little emotion from him. he said it was because he was traumatized by being taken out of her in handcuff and he feels neighbors seen it. he says he cant come back to this house. see he has always made me quit my jobs in the past and I think he wants me to move out of this house so he will come back. I do home child care and if I move I will loose my job. his credit is horrible now because when his pay stopped I stopped paying all his bills. I have managed to pay my bills but the house is 4 months behind now.

I told him 2 days ago to stop reaching out to me because it hurt to much and I could not sleep. my family thinks he is trying to drive me crazy.

I know I Can Never Trust Him again and I am sick of cleaning up his messes after an affair. this is his 4TH or 5Th one over our time together that I caught him in. I'm done trying. I had thought he was sincere and I told him I did love him before I started to figure out this is a game or act for him. Now I don't know how to tell him I cant do it. It's to late . I'm not 100 percent sure he faked all the drama he caused on the 10-11 but I'm pretty sure its a act. now I did tell him I needed to step back and think and that I needed him to stop reaching out to me. now that I did that now he is sending text again being sweet and saying I love you to me. one therapist said to keep things positive with him because he may be going through or suffering from PTSD. he spent the last almost 10 years in Iraq. Back when I found out he was cheating again one of his emails to this OW was that he worked that job because it kept him away from here. after he fell in love with her he took the whole summer from June 11-Sept 9 off and then worked 3 weeks if that and quit. never to start work till Jan. he gets paid terrible and I told him if he wanted to work on our marriage that he needed therapy and we needed marriage counseling. now he wont give this job up even though the pay stinks. I think it is another excuse to stay away from our home and prolong this divorce so he can get a year of bad pay to try and change what the courts will tell him he has to pay. OMG I am so frustrated. I have already had to pay out $11,000.00 to my attorney because he kept making me go back to court. he owes his attorney $8,000.00. they quit his case.

should I be posting this in the divorce section? if so how can I move it there. I hate to have to retype all this. when I think of all he has put me through over the years it make me sick to my stomach.

He is not the man I thought he was.

Just so you all know. from what everyone tells me a beautiful women in great shape and many people tell me he is crazy to have done what he has done. I have been a great wife to him and would have done just about anything for him. we have not had sex in over 2 years because he said he couldn't . yet he has sex with the OW 2-3 times on the 2 or 3 date. I have gone out with a guy who was really nice and really was falling in love with me but with all this going on I could not focus on what needed to be done and after all the hurt I really don't think I want to jump right back into a relationship. I will never Never Never get remarried.


Penny2013

Posts: 17 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Western , Mass
Topic Posts: 11