SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Having second thought? Just talk it out.
TattoodChinaDoll
Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

In your head, that is.

There is no hope for this relationship. And I believe it was NIK who said that loss of hope, is actually a blessing. It stops the hurt. WH has found a way to make it my fault...what I'm not willing to do for us, what my boundaries are, how I feel and how wrong it is. For a moment I wondered, what if I did it his way? And really the only reason left I think it is because of the kids. So I thought out that idea in my head and it went like this:

Ok, WH...you win. We are going to do this this your way. I will never mention again how much your job triggers, scares, and hurts me. You can stay there where OW is. And I will never ask you to support me when I'm scared. Because you can't handle the stress and I know that any stress makes it difficult for you to love me and show compassion. And I will not get angry at what you have done and how you have treated me. Because even if it is once every six months, you don't want to be reminded. Because if you are reminded, then you'll get mad and our reconciliation will go no where. I see how it's all my fault that I started it. And I promise to make sure you are ok everyday and hold in every single thing I feel until YOU are ready because I know that it makes everything else so difficult for you to handle. And even though you have not proven to me otherwise, I promise to give you the benefit of the doubt and hide away my hurt if you repeatedly do the same things that hurt me over and over. Because we can't live in the past. I promise to tell you I'm sad, but never show it because you're idea of how long or just how in general is different than mine.

Yeah...that got that idea out of my head quickly. And just how horrible he is to me. I'm so glad I thought it out.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 8:40 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 10 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 8, 5, 2, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

I'm getting out of here.


Posts: 1706 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
MyReturn2Me
Member
Member # 34352
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

yeah, f.t.g.


Me: BS 51 and Freaking AWESOME!
Him: Who the fuck cares........

Posts: 259 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Puget Sound
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

You know you've got the right answer when walking through the alternative gets you right back to the beginning.

(((((TCD))))) You're doing great, honey.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24437 | Registered: Aug 2011
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

It certainly takes a while for us to let our heads do the thinking instead of our hearts. You've been so strong.

Big hugs.. (((((TCD)))))


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2005 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
trebleclef
Member
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 4:39 AM, June 10th (Monday)

Great work TCD!

Second thoughts are coming less and less but Ive had some bad bouts. What saved me was a document that I made up concerning my decision, with a promise to myself that I would NOT change my mind unless something cataclysmic happened that was evident to all the people who care about me. Dated and signed.

I actually let myself in to the marital house one diabolically lonely night and stood outside his bedroom door for half an hour, hand on knob, debating. In the end, my promise to myself, in writing, saved me. I left - he never knew I had been there.


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, June 10th (Monday)

Exactly right my friend. That is exactly the path of False R I found myself on.

I remember finding it harder and harder to keep lying to myself.

I also found it harder and harder to forgive myself for staying.

I knew I was rugsweeping as hard as he was - hope and fear had me holding on with my bare teeth.

His total lack of remorse was a gift - had he continued to fake it I might have endured several more years of False R and several more DDs.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5443 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
UnsettledOne
Member
Member # 32952
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, June 10th (Monday)

((TCD)) it takes time and unfortunately severe pain before we come to understand the never ending circle can only be broken by our choice to change it.

Making a choice due to someones lack of personal character becomes a matter of survival

Sounds like wisdom is overtaking fear.


BH 60

Posts: 176 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Walking toward the light
TattoodChinaDoll
Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, June 10th (Monday)

I do feel stronger about myself. And the only doubt about divorcing that creeps in my head is when I think of the kids. But no doubt is coming from how I feel about what has happened.

However, I have this feeling, deep down, and I can't really put my finger on what's going to happen with it. It's sadness, anger, frustration, hurt...all the things we feel about being betrayed. But it feels very cloaked...almost like if you plug your ears and everything is muffled. So I can't tell if its something that is bubbling up and one day I will have a breakdown. Or maybe it's just all those feelings dissipating now that I've really opened my eyes to who he is. I know I'm on a different roller coaster now and I'm scared for the next low and these feelings to burst. Maybe I will...maybe I won't...it's a really odd feeling.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 10 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 8, 5, 2, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

I'm getting out of here.


Posts: 1706 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, June 10th (Monday)

I found that the feeling that you just described was how I felt when my *hope* faded. And yes, it is odd and unsettling....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7706 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, June 10th (Monday)

It's sadness, anger, frustration, hurt...all the things we feel about being betrayed. But it feels very cloaked.

I think this may be due to a lack of a sense of justice and closure. The above is a good description of what I felt as I began NC and proceeded with the D. Once my mind was set, I knew my course - but the emotions clung, like toxins, they were dug in and clinging deep down in hidden places. They need time to dissolve, to be pushed out, to be carried off and shed.

I never got to have "my say", to scream, yell, cry...
I could have, but that would have meant engaging with him, and he twisted everything, or tried to wrangle it into R on his terms (again much as you describe). It would not have been productive, and would likely have bitten me on the ass.

I think the best advice I got was to do something physical for the anger and to start filling your life with good things, for the pain...

I've had breakdowns here and there, but I knew they'd pass even as I was going through them. You got to go through it to get through it... ((TCD))

[This message edited by Take2 at 9:12 AM, June 10th (Monday)]


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
TattoodChinaDoll
Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 10th (Monday)

Gonnabe and Take - I think it's a combination of what the two of you said. I find myself being less emotional about it all and I think it's acceptance. But not in a sad way...but a moving on way. And there hasn't been justice or closure. He hasn't fought for me. He has only fought for himself. He sees me moving on and I don't know if he isn't doing anything because he truly doesn't care, if he truly believes that I will "see the errors of my ways," or if he just waiting for me to want him again.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 10 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 8, 5, 2, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

I'm getting out of here.


Posts: 1706 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Topic Posts: 11