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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Advice : meeting the ow at child's dance recital
Sarah1106
Member
Member # 29194
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, June 10th (Monday)

Hi,

I could use some advice. First, my divorce is final - which provided an unexpected relief. Anyway, this Saturday is our 5 yo daughter's dance recital. Hard as it might be to believe, it is her third recital and always a big deal - flowers, her grandparents travel to see it, we have a little cake afterwards. Last nite at drop off, my xh told me he was bringing his girlfriend (he started an affair w her before we separated, he's a doctor, she's a nurse ten years younger). I have zero desire to meet her (I like being able to answer my 5 and 3 yo when they ask about her - I dont know her, she is daddy's friend but it sounds like she is nice to u and I like that). So, given its been a year, I'm thinking the meeting is going to happen (I could probably come up with some super elaborate way to TRY not to bump into her but it will just happen at the next kids event).

I will control my anger (and I have some good one liners) but I don't know how to be cordial, distant, and just non-engage. Any one face similar issues or have advice. Thanks for listening ...


Posts: 127 | Registered: Jul 2010
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, June 10th (Monday)

treat her like the checkout girl at the grocery store. Don't be smug. Just business-like polite and you forget about her 30 seconds after you leave the store. You will be proud of yourself for acting that way and so will the grandparents. I guaranty she is just as nervous.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
nordicbabe
Member
Member # 35419
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, June 10th (Monday)

Heh. My ex's final OW literally runs from me the few times we've been in the same place. Not kidding. She RUNS like she's going for Olympic gold.

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Apr 2012
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, June 10th (Monday)

I've been trying to hold this very thing off, like tides in the sea. I know it won't be long after the divorce is done and in fact, got a letter from Perv's L saying, "please expedite divorce"...it's Perv we're waiting for!

FWIW, one of my neighbors is a fellow BS and OW appears to collect their kids. I find myself peeking out the window when they go by and they know our story and I see them peek at me.

Neighbor Lady doesn't leave her house and said once with a snicker she put the shades down when OW was looking at her garden . OW seems to make herself known and enjoy the negative attention.

NL's way matches my hopes, but takes great strength...ignore, ignore, ignore and she said it feels better when it's over and she has no remorse that way, or feeling of them gloating.


So that would be my advice for Sarah, is if you can't be in another room, then stone-faced, without reaction, would be next.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2204 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, June 10th (Monday)

P.S. Thank you, Nordicbabe, for the laugh today.

My one interaction with OW was when she threw Perv under the bus and she tried to bully me. I maintain a very strict NC with that one.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2204 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Sarah1106
Member
Member # 29194
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, June 10th (Monday)

I'd love nothing more to ignore her (and him) but I can totally see my super friendly ( and thankfully clueless) 5 yo dragging me over to meet daddy's friend. Part of it is that I need to get over myself, I have mild social anxiety to begin with and feel like being packed in a room where EVERYONE knows the situation ( no exaggeration, we live in an ultra small town and 10 of the 12 kids in my dd class have a parent who works at the hospital). Well, even though I know anyone in their right mind would look at my x's behavior as poor form - the extra attention just heightens my anxiety. I like the cashier clerk metaphor - cooly polite and forget about her. Reacting in ny way just heightens the drama they seem to enjoy

I'm glad I see my ic (whose daughters r in my dd class-it really is a small town) before the recital


Posts: 127 | Registered: Jul 2010
FirstLoveGone
Member
Member # 25957
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, June 10th (Monday)

I was almost in your shoes about a month ago. XH was going to bring wifetress to DD's piano recital. She ended up not coming because their baby was sick.

My plan was to basically ignore her. Perhaps a quick "hello" just to be polite and that's it. She is so not worth worrying about.

You'll do fine. Just remember that you are the lady and DD's mamma. No can take that from you.


Posts: 1269 | Registered: Oct 2009
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, June 10th (Monday)

Out of the last 5 times I've picked up Teslet from ex-shat's place...ex-shat hasn't been there...so I've had to pick my son up from the stripper whore. Suprisingly, she doesn't bother me. She's my son's babysitter, so I treat her with cool politeness...which means I basically ignore her.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4610 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

How did the dance recital go?


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2067 | Registered: Jan 2012
FlySomeday
Member
Member # 35150
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

my mantra for this one is "cordial porcupine cordial porcupine" Thats what you have to do!


Digging Deep in the Mud

Posts: 232 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Virginia
Sarah1106
Member
Member # 29194
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

Thanks for all your advice! All thing considered, it went pretty well. I had my mon and dad there for support ( my dad - gasped when xh walked in with ow and said omg, she looks 12). Anyway, only contact I had with ow was entering the ladies room (she was exiting) I said hi and kept on walking.

My dd did great - I was so, so proud of her...


Posts: 127 | Registered: Jul 2010
Topic Posts: 11