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Reconciliation
User Topic: What else?
Regrettful
New Member
Member # 39508
Question  Posted: 10:11 AM, June 10th (Monday)

I am not sure at this point whether we will stay married or get separated. Either way, I am still working hard on R.

What have I done so far:
-become a member of the forums
-got started on the healing library
-read Getting the Love You Want
-reading Not Just Friends
-trying to give him space but still be here for anything he needs.

Our talking has been much less over the past few days. I don't want to pester him into moving too quickly but I want to know- what were some important things you needed from your WS in the beginning? I don't want to stop trying just because things have slowed down a little bit.

Thanks,


Posts: 8 | Registered: Jun 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, June 10th (Monday)

Well it's hard to say what you might need to do, as I have no idea what has lead you here.

I would say the things you need to do no matter the situation is:

Demand NC with AP immediately.

All access to anything electronic, in addiition I would recommend you put spyware on as much of it as you can. Don't blindly accept they are behaving, and sticking to the rules of R.

Complete transparancey, honestly, and openness. No more lies. No more omissions of truths.

Do not allow him to manipulate you into not pushing for these things. Without these simple things R cannot occur. It only looks like R on the surface.

You need to understand that You had no part in his A. That was all on him. He needs to work on himself, and understand why he did what he did. He then needs to fix that.

Keep reading. Put yourself first, eat, drink(water) sleep. Be kind to yourself.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8530 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Regrettful
New Member
Member # 39508
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, June 10th (Monday)

Tush Nurse,

I apologize for not being clearer: I am the WS.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Jun 2013
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, June 10th (Monday)

The very top-most action on your list of to-dos should be to come clean - answer every Q your partner asks when he asks. If a Q&A session goes on too long, feel free to ask for a break, but make sure your BS knows you're willing to come back. Same if you need sleep, too, of course. (I sometimes started asking Qs when we hit the sack....)

If some answers are too painful or scary, you can defer them to an MC session - just explain that's what you want to do, and make sure you bring the subject up in the next MC session.

The 2nd most important thing to do is to establish and maintain NC. You can't control your ap, but if he contacts you, tell your BS and decide how to respond jointly - usually maintaining NC is the best action.

These actions just stop the bleeding. For a long term fix, I think IC is in order, with a goal of making the internal changes you need to make to become a great partner. It sounds like you don't want to cheat again, but willpower isn't enough - you need to change the mindset that allowed to you start and maintain your A.

It will be hard work - just do it, as painful as it seems. The pain is transitory, but you'll benefit more from these changes than anyone else will.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10103 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, June 10th (Monday)

You need to be completely transparent..give him fuill access to all of your accounts,and your cell,including passwords.

Write out a timeline..from the beginning to the end of the A. Give all the detail you can remember..and set it in a safe place,for your BH is he wants it.

Answer all of his questions with total honesty.

Tell him everything..EVERYTHING.

Get tested for STD's and give your BH the results.

If you work or associate with the OM in any way,stop.

Write a NC email to the OM..."I am committed to my husband and my marriage,any further contact will result in legal action."

Be accountable for your time away.

Do not defend what you have done. Take full responsibility for your affair..no blaming your BH.

Get into IC and figure out why you did this.

Did you tell anyone about the affair? Did they tell your BH? If not,these friends have to go..they are not friends of your marriage.

Get rid of anything the OM gave tou.

Block any way your OM can contact you.

If he attempts contact,do not respond and tell your WH.

Understand you have put your BH on an emotional rollercoaster for the next year or so. Be patient and remorseful.

If he told his parents..apologize to them for hurting their son.

Being betrayed is traumatizing. It will affect your BH for years to come..R is difficult and painful. Make sure you're committed.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7434 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

OH hey welcome Regrettful...I didn't pick up on that.

Well I can say that you can place all of the things I said on yourself.

R is hard work, but if you read my profile, it can work, and can have a great outcome.

Showing true remorse was a biggy for me. Not showing "sorry I got caught" but "sorry I have destroyed you". There was a big difference. Allow your spouse to check phones, devices, etc whenever they want, without anger, resentment, or questioning.

Their trust in you is GONE. It takes a long long time to rebuild it, some say it's like having a piggy bank that's empty, and each time a BS checks and finds nothing the bank of trust gets a deposit. Others say it's like putting a broken piece of glass or mirror back together again. Each check that finds you being good fixes a broken piece in it's right spot. It takes many many times, to fill the bank, or get the glass back together. But when it is. WOW.

I would also say you need to really dig deep and figure out why you felt the need to do it. Then go about fixing that part of you. This will give your BS more faith that you are in for long haul, and won't ever cause this kind of hurt and pain again.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8530 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Regrettful
New Member
Member # 39508
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Thank you to everyone for your replies.
I have maintained no contact with OP for some time and will continue to do so.
I have also given all of my login information for all of my accounts and leave my devices in the family room so that my BS can look at them without having to ask.
I am so far doing everything suggested and will continue to do whatever I can to help the healing process.
I have not attended IC, though, mainly because I began reading so early and doing deep introspection and know the answers to why it happened (and am working on myself, as well).

I can never change what happened but deeply regret the hurt that I caused and am doing everything I can to be the partner that my BS needs.

I hope that R is successful but, more so, I hope that my spouse ends up with happiness and no further hurt from my behalf.

Thanks again for all of your replies, I really appreciate you taking the time.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 7