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Wayward Side
User Topic: A deal breaker? 8 years out!
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, June 10th (Monday)

I knew before I confessed that my A could very likely be a deal breaker for my BH. It's a reasonable consequence. BH says that's not happening, we will make it. But I think that's like saying you're going to finish a marathon when you set out. Some people fall out, they don't intend to but they just can't run any more.

I was reading in R forum where BSes are 6 to 8 years out and the A misery cycles back hard. A few struggle with thoughts of D or even decide to D after so much time and work with very remorseful waywards. I feel for those BSes and for their WSes. And it scares the shiza out of me.

We read a lot on SI how we should get to the point where we will be OK on our own. We choose to be M because we want to, not because we need each other. Interdependence. We can stand alone but are better together. Responsible to each other by choice. Mentally I get it and I agree but I'm not feeling it right now.

So what's wrong with me? Is it that I'm newly jobless (by choice)? It it that since d-day I have worked so hard to make myself vulnerable to my BH, something I never knew I wasn't doing or could do. Abandonment issues?

I used to be so independent. People thought i was so strong. I was unafraid and thought i could do anything. I had other people believing that too. I was full of shit.

Since d-day so much has changed in me. BH says I'm drastically different. I don't like it. I feel wimpy, and needy, and weak. He says im much easier to get along with... I supposed I'm being honest with myself and him but I think I liked the "fake it till you make it" me better.

I guess it just shows me the enormity of work I have yet to do on myself. It's overwhelming. I keep starting books and getting part way through them then discovering something else I feel I need to work on so I start on a book for that.

And 8 years later I will still be reading self help books and working on myself...and I could end up divorced as a SAHM... Hopefully by then I will have learned enough to face whatever consequences come my way with courage and grace.

This was a ramble, sorry.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, June 10th (Monday)

(((knightsbff)))

You need to love who you are. Then you can love others.
Anyone can be divorced 20 years after an A. It won't be because of the A they get divorced. The A may play a role in it but there would be more to it then that.
For me the A was a dealbreaker and I stayed for the kids.
That was hard for me. Harder once the kids grew up and left the nest. But he has all I need. As long as he behaves!
Honey love who YOU are Not who you were ok.
Big hugs...


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
caspers1wish
Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, June 10th (Monday)

I understand what you are saying and I know how scary it can be. I'm a SAHM and am very financially dependent on my husband.

For me, I know that at any point, this could all be a deal breaker, at any time, no matter how far we've come or healed, be it tomorrow or 20 years from now. It could also be a deal breaker for me at any point, too. Infidelity is not the only reason people divorce or are separated from each other. My husband could go out tomorrow on a run to the grocery store, or traveling for business and die. I could get cancer and die. Heaven forbid, we lost one of our girls, not something I ever want to dwell about, but my point is, life is unpredictable.

I have a vision of what I want my future to look like. I've learned that it doesn't always turn out the way we want it to, and that's ok. Nothing in life is for certain. Knowing that, I try not to take anything for granted. If my husband chooses down the road that this is a path he can no longer take with me because of my destructive history, it makes me all the more grateful for the time we had yesterday and today. I am more present in the moment, in the here and now, and more conscious of how I can shape my future. I want to look back and say I worked hard, I tried to be better, I lived authentically, I lived, and it was worth it, no matter what happens in my future, be it good or bad.

And 8 years later I will still be reading self help books and working on myself...and I could end up divorced as a SAHM...

Perspective. Yes, in 8 years you could be a divorced SAHM, you could be a widowed SAHM, or not a mom at all. Not trying to be macabre, just trying to be a realist. You could also win the lotto, be living thousands of miles away from where you are now, or living life better than ever and savoring every sweet moment. We don't know, we can hope, but we really don't know. Do the work, you'll get there.

I'm sure having a major life change (going from working full time to SAHM) is bringing on some fears. It's ok, it just means it's something you need to look closely at and allow yourself to deal with. Be gentle with yourself.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 778 | Registered: Jun 2010
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, June 10th (Monday)

I was reading in R forum where BSes are 6 to 8 years out and the A misery cycles back hard. A few struggle with thoughts of D or even decide to D after so much time and work with very remorseful waywards. I feel for those BSes and for their WSes. And it scares the shiza out of me.

There are also a lot of people that choose to attempt R because of some things going on in their life making D unattractive, and then those circumstances change, or others who purposely choose false R (and yes, a BS is capable of false R) just to get their life to a certain point where they can D more comfortably.

I think that's like saying you're going to finish a marathon when you set out. Some people fall out, they don't intend to but they just can't run any more.

Somewhere in a storage box or the back of a closet I still have a shirt from finishing a marathon when I was 14. I signed up on a last minute whim, and I only finished it because I said I would. The last 4 miles or so I could not run anymore, but I finished it anyway just because I said I would not quit. Missed the next day of school because I couldn't walk, but since my gym teacher dropped out of the same race, they cut me some slack over the absence.

For both my advice and your observations of others experience, check my tag line for further details.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Listeningclosely
Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, June 10th (Monday)

If this is really pulling you down, it's time to reexamine whether you truly love your BS, or you love the safety and convenience of the marriage itself.

The single biggest lesson I learned in healing was that true love is all about selfless giving. You give to the one you love and expect nothing in return. True, in healthy marriages you get back much more than you give. But your investment of effort has to be about one goal - seeing the one you love happy.

If my BW told me today she needed to leave to be happy, would it hurt? Of course, deeply and painfully. But I would support her choice if it was what she truly wanted, because my end goal is to see her happy in life. I love her happiness more than I love my selfish need to stay married to her.

Our marriage is a commitment, yes. But it is also open to her changing her mind on any day, at any time. 8 years, 18 years or 80 years down the road. I will support my BW in whatever she chooses, because a value her needs ahead of my own.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 24 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4471 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, June 10th (Monday)

Read caspers post again.

Try to live in today and not tomorrow. Let go. Be who you need to be and just keep working toward the goal.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5071 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, June 10th (Monday)

I reread my ramble...a few times...

Maybe it's me being overdue for my hormone shot?

I read the posts of those BSes many years into R who are dealing with anger and pain all over again and it just hit me hard. It's horrible! They and their WSes have done the hard work. They should be happy now.

I liked the "fake it till you make it" me better.
Okay, not true. I'm struggling a bit right now but I can see things getting better.

Honey love who YOU are Not who you were ok.
Thanks Heartache, I really am working on it.

I am more present in the moment, in the here and now, and more conscious of how I can shape my future. I want to look back and say I worked hard, I tried to be better, I lived authentically, I lived, and it was worth it, no matter what happens in my future, be it good or bad.
^^^Yes, Casper, I needed to hear this today. And thanks for the perspective too.

Aesir, I like your tag line, and you're right, milage may vary... I need to stay focused on the race I'm running.

Listeningclosely, I'm not staying because it's easy or convenient, it's not. Running is much easier for me. And giving selflessly to my BH is easy too. I would much rather focus on him than myself. Looking at myself is hard and painful, but unfortunately that's what I need to do...

TG, yes, yes, and yes.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
cpacan
New Member
Member # 35883
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I wish there was a like button - this thread is very likeable.

It sort of puts things in perspective; the long term ramifications and destruction from infidelity, but also the only way forward: Continously work to be the best version of you and accept the outcome whatever it may be.


BS (me): 47
WS: 44
Together for 27 years...
2 kids, 12 and 9
DD: april 2011, 9 months PA

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jun 2012
Flatlined123
Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

BS here. If its ok, I'm going to put my 2 cents in on this subject.

We are coming up on 4 years out. I'm learning to accept that the A will forever have a place in our M. That hurts.

Like a very nasty, gaping wound that became infected, had to be cleaned out and has finally healed over with a ugly scar, things come up on a regular basis that tug on that scar and still hurt. It's not raw and bleeding anymore, but will forever be sore.

There are times I get so tired of dealing with the fallout from H affair.
We live in a small town and I occasionally see OW. The hatred I feel there is like none other I've ever known and it scares me. I want that to go away. That is not me.

I see other couples in love and always wonder what their story is. Has infidelity touched their lives? It seems to thread it's ugly fingers through a lot of lives.

This is not something I ever thought I'd have to deal with. I see I used to have a fairy tale view of M, but I miss it.

So a lot of us BS just get tired. I can't see the end of the race to know that there's a certain point when it'll be over and that's so very hard.

I am the stronger of the two of us. I would be okay on my own. Maybe better off on my own so I could just put this all behind me and not have o deal with it on a daily basis. I CHOOSE TO STAY WITH MY H. I CHOOSE TO TRY TO FIND THE END OF THE RACE. Even tough I can't see the finish line.

So don't give up either. I feel like right after DDay H leaned on me, now it's my turn to lean on him for support. We're all just battle weary.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 677 | Registered: Jun 2012
RightTrack
Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Flatline made me think of something: after all the crap WH pulled on me for so long, after all the family memories that have been destroyed, after all the lies and nuttiness I'm still with him! Our relationship on a day-to-day basis is better than ever. I must really love him! An affair was a deal breaker for me and he had a two year one! I'm still here and I don't want anyone else, even if it takes 8 years of therapy.

Posts: 629 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 10