Just Found Out
User Topic: Help! Plastic surgery after 4 mos of finding out about affair?
New Member
Member # 39509
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, June 10th (Monday)

I recently found out (February 16, 2013) that my fears of my husband's affair were founded. He came clean after a 6 month affair with a woman who was also married. I had been confronting him with suspicions since September 2012. I found out many, many things in February. I recovered deleted texts and broke into the fake email account they set up. I talked to her as well. I knew she was a liar when she met with me in November trying to convince me nothing was going on...even trying to befriend me. Anyway, we have a 3 and a 4 year old and have been together since I was 17 (now 31). We decided to work it out. Recently he received a big bonus and I had talked about getting a mommy makeover for years. I have a tummy tuck and breast augmentation scheduled for next Tuesday. I'm wondering if anyone feels like I may be acting out of desperation...I want him to find me attractive. I want out marriage to work but I can't decide if I am going under the knife for the right reasons...I am to go pay the remainder of the money TODAY. I need opinions please! I am still emotionally fragile and my primary care physician thinks I may be doing this for him and not me. I've been having stress reactions like hives, etc. I lost 40 lbs in the last couple months after finding out. I feel like I am beginning to put the pieces back together but still so unsure about anything. I feel like the one thing I was always so sure of was ripped away. Am I trying to fill a hole that can't be filled by what I'm about to do?

[This message edited by AmberN at 11:47 AM, June 10th (Monday)]

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: SC
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, June 10th (Monday)

I had talked about getting a mommy makeover for years. I have a tummy tuck and breast augmentation scheduled for next Tuesday.
So the idea wasn't a post-dday one, correct? Was the surgery already scheduled ahead of dday?

If you are having serious doubt about your motivations, put the surgery off. It can always be rescheduled, right?

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25726 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 29071
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, June 10th (Monday)

Since you have wanted this for years I would go thru with it. I had both of those done and I am happy with it.

Only you can decide what you want. Do it for you not him.

never ever getting back together

Posts: 167 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: North Carolina
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, June 10th (Monday)

You said it was something you had considered for years , so its something you wanted to do . That said why not do something for you! If it makes you feel better you gave him two kids and you should be proud of that . I think it's alway partially for our spouse but mostly for us because we want to like what we see in the mirror just because we're mom doesn't mean we can improve ourselves in whatever way we see fit. I say go for it.



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
New Member
Member # 39509
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, June 10th (Monday)

I did talk about it several years beforehand. The surgery was scheduled months after I found out. I just don't know if I feel good about my motivation for it at this point. But I have talked about it since having my son 3.5 yrs ago.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: SC
New Member
Member # 39509
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, June 10th (Monday)

Thanks so much for the reassurance! I just don't feel like I make any of the right decisions since this happened. My mind has just not felt right since I heard the words come out of his mouth. I feel so worn.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: SC
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, June 10th (Monday)

I can guarantee you it won't fill the hole where infidelity is involved. But I agree with the others, if it was something you wanted to do - then do it for you. Maybe it will help to remind yourself that in the end, should you decide he is unworthy - you can always take your flat tummy and glorious boob-age on down the road.

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4129 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, June 10th (Monday)

Go do it!! Best thing is to do things that make you happy.
I say do it..

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, June 10th (Monday)

If you are unsure about the surgery, I would recommend holding off for a bit. This is an optional thing. It's not like it is lifesaving.

Being under the tremendous stress of the early days of R, and the rapid weight loss you have had, you may have trouble with healing, and be more susceptible to infection. Your immune system is worn down just like the rest of you.

A tummy tuck is a pretty big surgery, and from what I have been told hurts like hell initially. I would say give yourself some time, when your weight stabilizes, and you are able to eat and drink normally again, schedule it.

I get wanting to look better, and feel better about anything right now. If you are questioning your reasoning why right now, then hold off.

((((and strength)))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8707 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 10th (Monday)

I was surprised how many people said "go for it," because my immediate reaction was "don't do it!" At least not now.

My feeling is that so soon after d-day, I didn't need anything that would make me feel bad or vulnerable. Presumably healing from this surgery is going to be uncomfortable.

Conversely, I don't think I would undergo any non-emergency surgery at a time when I was not at a good place emotionally. All the extra stress of the A is just going to make it harder to heal physically. Betrayal is a shock to the body, not just the emotional system.

I would take your H's bonus and put it in a separate account, to be spent on something for YOU whenever you decide what that will be. For me, it took about a year before I felt strong enough to make any decisions at all.

If you have any doubts at all, why not take your time until you feel you really want to go ahead with this???

Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, June 10th (Monday)

I agree with Tushnurse. If you're having second thoughts, hold off for awhile. It's not like the surgeon won't be there when you're truly ready. It also makes me a little nervous that none of the docs are concerned with the rapid weight loss and the hives. While they are stress reactions to things happening to/around you- they can affect your recovery.

You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August

Posts: 2030 | Registered: Sep 2011
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, June 10th (Monday)

I wanted the same after Dday, but I got hair extensions instead. LOOOVE em! Do what makes YOU happy, but I would also be weary of recovery process, it might make your sadness worse...But, that's just me...Good luck Amber!

Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, June 10th (Monday)

Postpone the surgery.

If you ever have doubts about undergoing an elective procedure... postpone.

Your surgeon will understand. He does NOT want to operate on someone who is under the level of emotional duress you are under.

You can have it done 2 years from now when you know who you are and what you want out of life.

Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 895 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, June 10th (Monday)

even if you wanted it prior to the A, you seem to be having doubts. Wait until you're sure it's for you.

If you have to- look at it as rewarding him for his behavior. Instead, wait until you know you want it for you.

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11225 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, June 10th (Monday)

I think anyone would have last minute jitters, A or no A. Going under the knife is a stressful thing to do and you're already under a lot of stress. If you've done your research, have a surgeon with a good reputation and you have good after surgery support, it's probably fine. On the other hand, if it's adding to your stress, maybe you should postpone.

Let us know how it goes if you go through with it. I'm not sure I could do it. It sounds a bit scary. You might want to try less drastic mommy makeovers first. Botox, laser resurfacing (or whatever it's called) new clothes.

Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1536 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, June 10th (Monday)

You had planned for it. Jitters near surgery are normal.
If it was me, I'd go for it.

D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Member # 29547
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, June 10th (Monday)

I would hold off until I was in a better place emotionally. It is not an easy surgery and you need to be in good health to heal properly!

DDay 7/29/2010
Am hoping to reconcile!! Am I crazy or what?
If we all did the things we are capable of doing we would literally astound ourselves-Thomas Edison

Posts: 323 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Pa
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, June 10th (Monday)

I had a procedure done about two years after dday.... and I don't regret any of it! I had wanted it for a long time and if I had put it off it would have just been one more thing to add to the list of things I wanted in life and didn't get!

I say if it is something you have wanted to feel better about yourself for a long time just do it.... I could not be happier I went ahead, even not being sure about our future....
If this was being done to try to improve the marriage I would say no, but if it's something you have been wanting, then do it! So many times we women put off the things we know we would like for a million different reasons.... if you can answer these questions then go for it...
Would you want to do this still if an A had never happened?
Would it make you feel better both inside and out?
Are you doing it to save the M?
Will you feel resentful and like your needs were not important in the relationship if you don't do this?
Only you can decide... I can only speak for myself and I don't regret having my procedure!

Posts: 1184 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, June 10th (Monday)

You were already planning to do it so I say go for it. Not for him or anyone else but FOR YOU!

There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough.

Posts: 557 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
New Member
Member # 39509
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, June 10th (Monday)

I really appreciate all the feedback. I can ask friends and family but (thankfully) none of them know the position that I'm in bc they have not been through it. This site is such a blessing and I know I didn't find it by accident today! Thanks all :) So great to find a supportive bunch willing to help out with some great advice! Love and prayers to you all!

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: SC
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 3:48 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Hey Amber, I've had my boobs done plus I've had rhinoplasty and a chin augmentation. The recovery phase can be quite emotional as you have changed something about yourself (even if its what you want) there is a phenomena called cosmetic surgery let down during which many patients go through a period of depression. You will also be in pain and will have to change a few things about your daily routine as you recover all of which can be quite stressful.

I think you should put it off until you are in a better frame of mind, have you spoken to your surgeon about this?

Posts: 516 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Dear Amber,

There are a couple of things you need to understand, and REALLY understand deep down to your core what you are about to do.

What I read from you is that you had been thinking about this BEFORE Dday but didn't schedule it until AFTER Dday. I get that this is something that you've wanted to do but it sounds like your timing is just off.

What I'm reading is desperation from a BS who is trying to be more desirable than the OW.

Amber....this surgery can be put off. You are only 4 months out and granted I haven't read your profile but nowhere have I read if your WS is remorseful and trying to work on the marriage. Are you two going to counseling? Just where are you in your relationship? are still losing weight on the infidelity diet. Have you talked to your Doctor about what is going on in your life? The stressors?

I'm in the "re-think this" camp. It smells of desperation. Work on yourself and your marriage and if things go well then get the surgery. Don't do this to try and keep your WS or to prove something to the OW. Have you sat down and REALLY asked yourself why you want to do this right now? Do you really get that it doesn't matter how great you look, if your WS is wanting to cheat he will do so. We have drop-dead beautiful BS's here. People who you look at and wonder what the hell their WS's were thinking!

The way you look is not going to keep a WS from cheating. There is something broken in them and they need to fix it.

Wait. Work on yourself and get to a good place.


[This message edited by k94ever at 8:35 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6580 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
New Member
Member # 39509
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

My husband is very remorseful now and we are working through the issues. He was not remorseful at first. He was very much justifying and rationalizing his actions. He had a problem with alcohol (not that it excuses his actions at all) and is now addressing that too. The OW is not even attractive. I don't say that to be mean or really is the truth! She worshipped the ground he walked on (they worked together and he was "mentoring" her) and I was not in the habit of stroking his ego profusely anymore. I was busy taking care of the kids, house, bills, etc. I was real life and she was an escape from real life. I had wanted to do the surgery pre dday but do question my emotional readiness. I appreciate the feedback so much. It has given me much to think about. I actually realized I have one more day to decide. I am weighing the advice given and praying for guidance. Thanks again all!

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: SC
Topic Posts: 23