SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: I'm the OW???!!!???
novahurts
New Member
Member # 39499
Shocked  Posted: 11:21 PM, June 10th (Monday)

I am 34 years old, have never been married and have no children. In October 2012 I met J. We hit it off instantly and began to date. Things were GREAT. He met my family on Easter, everyone loved him. We started talking about long term etc. So I figure it's time for to meet his family right? I start pushing... Three weeks ago he finally confessed that he is married, has been for 11 years. He has kids! I am so hurt, ashamed, angry... You name it. I am so ashamed I didn't even feel like I could post this in the just found out thread even though that's is how I feel. I immediately stopped communication with him. He keeps sending e-mails saying he will leave her if I would just respond (like I want that lying cheating SOB), but I do have weak thoughts. Do I tell his betrayed wife. Is it my place? How could I not know?

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2013
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Wow, I'm sorry, (((nova))), that's terrible. You are very betrayed, even though you aren't the BS.

I do have weak thoughts.
Please explain this. You met him nine months ago and he lied to you and everyone else around him. He's a snake, walk away.

As far as telling his BS, I wholeheartedly believe she should know what a snake he is, too, but I'm unsure as to the best way to go about that.


Posts: 11776 | Registered: Mar 2008
novahurts
New Member
Member # 39499
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I do have weak thoughts. I had this CRAZY idea that if he got divorced and stayed single for 6 months (yes I actually thought through an "appropriate" time frame) that maybe...... OMG this is all sooooo crazy. If he treats his BS this way he WILL repeat. I found this site while googling "how to get over a breakup". If this is not where I should be please tell me. I am experiencing so many of yhe feelings I read about I thought this community might help.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2013
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

You belong here, for sure!

Yes, if he will lie to his wife of 11 years and lie to you, your family... We have a saying around here: When someone shows you who they are, you should believe them.


Posts: 11776 | Registered: Mar 2008
novahurts
New Member
Member # 39499
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I am just disgusted that I am going to be part of the trauma to his family. What can I do? I was very misled and the pain that will come from that is unbearable. I was misled. I thought he was the...

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2013
novahurts
New Member
Member # 39499
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I'm new, so hopefully I removed the stop sign. My next step is should I tell his wife. I would like opinions from BS's. I AM DEFINETLY DONE WITH HIM.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2013
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

What can you do? At the very least, go no contact with him. Complete no contact.

You were mislead, I agree. You can't do anything to change that.

He's NOT the one. He's a mirage.

You deserve so much more.


ETA: I was writing my post as you posted yours. As far as telling the BS, I DO believe she should know, but I'm just not sure of the best way to do that.

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 1:44 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 11776 | Registered: Mar 2008
novahurts
New Member
Member # 39499
Default  Posted: 1:52 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Thanks TIKY! I 'll wait and hope that I can get more opinions from BS's. She and the children will be most impacted... I am rational, but my heart hurts too.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2013
Want2help
Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I'm a BS. If it hadn't been for someone telling me (a mother of OW's friend), I would have never, ever known.

Please tell the wife. She deserves to know.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2316 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
novahurts
New Member
Member # 39499
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

@want2help how should I do this? I would rather not do it in person but do feel like wife and kid's feelings should come first. postal letter, email, phone call is most difficult (as I don't have # for wife or home(of Course that a%%hole!)) How can show my remorse?? Does she even want that from me?

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2013
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Hi honey

Please tell her. I found out 3 years ago that my H had been cheating for between 16 and 24 years. I'm still not 100% sure.

I often wonder what could have been if someone had told me many years ago.

We may have reconciled. We may have broken up. I don't know and never will.

But at least we might have had a chance at a good life together. After the shock and awe of dday he is a different man. So much better than he was for many years when I truly believe his guilt drove him to demonise me in how own mind to justify what he was doing..and treat me badly as a result. This change may have happened years ago and our M could have been so much better if it had.

Or perhaps we may have split. I could have found someone who really loved me and the kids and would be faithful. So many possibilities.

So..... I didn't have any choices. Because I didn't know.

His wife has a right to know. You may be one of many (my H had LTAs). OW3 (who he had been screwing for over a year) had no idea he was seeing OW2 who he had been seeing for 8 years. (and vice versa).

My H is a charmer. He conned us all.

Now I can look back at 30 years of M with a lot of regrets. Regrets that I may not have felt now if someone had told me.

PLEASE tell her. I would suggest writing to her. Tell her the whole truth everything. Then tell her you will never contact him again and mean it.

She may not be grateful to start with but I'll bet anything that she will eventually realise that it was the best thing that could happen to her.

HUGS and good luck

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2754 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
CrappyLife
Member
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 3:39 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Wow! Just wow! What a fuckin POS..

Did you ever have a talk with him about his status when you got together or you just assumed that he is single? Not that it matters a lot, but since he had no business dating someone else when he has a wife a kids at home. Just that you need to know more about a person before you start dating.

Based on your posts upto now, technically speaking, you are the OW, but given your circumstances, I would actually consider you to be a BGF. Dont beat yourself too hard over the wrong you have done. Seems like you did no wrong! That POS is the wayward. He was lying to both his wife and you.

First, go complete NC with that POS. Do not respond to him at all. When you get weak, come to SI and pour your heart out. Talk to someone close IRL.

Coming to your question about informing the BS, please please inform her immediately. I am a BS and it so pains me that I found out after so many years. I would absolutely want to know. And given his attitude, I think you might on of the long list of his OWs. Sorry if that sounds bad. Dont warry about his destroying his family. They are already living in a highly dysfunctional dynamic. You will just help them by letting his BW know.

Collect all the evidence of any mails, messages he has sent to you. It is very well possible that his BW will not believe you and that she would want proof. Then, send a a simple e-mail/FB message to his BW saying that her H is cheating on her. Mention that you are the OW and you did not know that he is married. And as soon as you knew, you have broken up and do not intend to ever talk to him again. At the end, just mention that if she wants details you are more than willing to share it.

Best of luck. Take care of yourself. And learn from this.

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 3:41 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]


BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..


Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
Listeningclosely
Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Sorry you find yourself here, nova. As with most stories here, the most pain is caused not by the actions but by the deception.

You've gotten great advice here so far from no contact with OM to gathering the "evidence" of the relationship since it's likely OM will lie and try to make you out to be some psycho to his BW to save his tail. I'm not going to go so far as to call him a POS - that would be the pot calling the kettle black in my case. I was in his position once. I cheated. I lied about it. I'm no better than him. And I have no idea whether he could change if he spent time here and did the hard work needed.

As far as telling his BW, I'd just add one more thing. Expect for his BW to see you as evil in this. No matter how much you try to share that he lied to you, you didn't know about his family, etc., she will forever see you as the OW. Whether you did so knowingly or not, she will see you as a contributor to the A.

Go into the process of telling her with a strong mindset. One that says how the BW feels does not define who you are or whether your actions were right or wrong. You're going to need that frame of mind, because it is entirely possible that she will lash out at you no matter how you frame the events that took place.

Have you seen a counselor at all? You may want to simply to process all of this, and to work through the "weak thoughts" part. You may not have to go for long. But this is a lot to handle for anyone.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 24 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4471 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

How could I not know?

It happens. I know. It happened to me. I had a LDR for over a year with a married man who spent every other weekend either coming to see me in my hometown or taking me on weekend trips.

He was never "unavailable". There was a never a time when I wasn't "allowed" to call. I had no idea. NONE. I even moved across the country to his area----where I was blindsided by his WIFE! She found out about me, and asked me to meet for coffee. I met his 6 yr old daughter (at the time) that day too.

I was devestated and angry and disgusted with myself.

And his poor wife.. Turns out he was a serial cheater, and I wasn't the first "girlfriend" she'd met.

She was very gracious and more forgving than she needed to be. I don't think I could have been as kind as she was.

When he called me that night, I told him I met his lovely wife and daughter and to never, EVER contact me again. Then I emailed his wife to let her know he called me and I would not ever speak or see him again.


Nova, this man's wife must be told. I think you should try to find her first....then maybe you enlist a friend of yours to contact her with your proof, and a way for her to get in touch with you if she wants to speak to you or ask questions.

You are not at fault here....you didn't know. You did not make a willing choice to destroy this woman's life. You DID NOT KNOW.

(((Hugs)))


Posts: 3423 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I'm a BS.

FIrst, I am so so sorry that you have to be here and he betrayed you like this.

Please please do not give in to those weak thoughts. I'm betting you are not his first, nor his last.

And yes, please tell her. She needs to know. But, do it gently and kindly. Be factual and not emotional. Do not talk about your love or anything like that. Give her dates, acknowledge that it was physical, tell her you had NO idea that he was married and when you found out you ended it immediately. Then offer to answer any questions if she has any. I would send this via a registered signature required letter to her home.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I am a BS.

Yes. What SamanthaBaker wrote. Be factual - not emotional.

This is the worst pain I have ever experienced.

I am sorry you were deceived. Hugs to you Novahurts.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2482 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
KeepCalm_CarryOn
Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Hey Nova,

BS here- first I want to commend you for clearly having morals and knowing how wrong this dude is. Second, I"m sorry he betrayed you like he did. Not cool. I agree with others- NC and all that, sounds like you're already there. It's normal to have "withdrawal" from a relationship, just don't give in!

Finally, I agree to tell the BS. Just understand she may not be receptive or thankful (if that makes sense) to what you are saying, but you will know you have done the right thing.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013


Posts: 2042 | Registered: Sep 2011
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

You need to tell her, and really the best way is to show her.

Gather copies of all the pictures, all the emails, see if you can print texts off.

Offer her your phone records.

Create a time line of the relationship - try to account for as much of the time as you can (what weekend you went where, ect)

It's really easy to deny one person's word and accounts of the situation, it's harder to deny all the texts, phone calls, emails, and explanations of where he was on certain weekends.

Then I would give her this site cause she's going to need it.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Novahurts,

First off....Kudos to you for coming on this site and posting. You are very brave!

I'm a BS...and I was pregnant during my husband's affair. It has caused me and my newborn baby so much pain and anguish. I cannot tell you how destructive an extramarital relationship is to the victims. I believe you are a victim too. It is when you KNOWINGLY continue a relationship with a married man (especially one with children) that you go from being a victim of deceit to an accomplice.

I think if you tell the wife, you need to do it in the most gentle fashion possible. I don't know if I would have wanted all the details...especially if it were coming from the OW. I think it's enough to give the basics and say that even after you found out the truth, he continued to pursue you.

Now, the next thing I want to tell you is....get the hell away from this situation. The fact that you are here tells me you are a good person with a conscious....keep your dignity girl! There are so many SINGLE men out there. You don't deserve to be anyone's secret. Since you didn't know...you didn't purposely assist in the destruction of a family. Walk away. Every time you talk to, email, text, or have contact with this person it's like stabbing his wife and children in the back! Don't be that person....let him destroy his family by himself. Don't get blood on your hands because let's face it...your relationship with him wasn't and isn't real. It's based on lies and deception.

Anyway...thank you for coming on here and posting and asking for advice. It makes me believe that there are still good people in this world.

Sending you hugs and prayers for strength. If you look on this site you will see thousands and thousands of people in deep pain with wounds that take years to heal. Remember all of us every time you feel the urge to respond or continue your relationship.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
Later
Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

BS here. The BW should know. I am just not sure about meeting her in person -- this is very emotional and you don't know how she will react. Just be carefull.

Posts: 385 | Registered: May 2013
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

BTW...whenever you get pesky thoughts in your head like maybe if he just left his wife and got divorced.....just think of where you want to be in YOUR life down the line. If he could do this to the mother of his children...his wife of 11 years...what makes you think that you he won't do this to you? Let's be honest...he isn't going to leave her or his family or you would have been dating a divorced man. He isn't going to be your Knight in Shining Armor. If he wasn't cheating with you, he would be cheating with someone else. I say this to you with kindness.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry you were deceived. Please don't blame yourself - it was not your fault.

I agree with the advice to gather your proof, and tell her.

So sorry you find yourself here.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6833 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

My FWH lied to all of the OW. They had NO idea. I felt bad for the ones I talked to. It wasn't their fault.

Yes, find a way to tell his wife. Or text her pictures of you two so she gets an idea of what the relationship was really like.

Wouldn't YOU want to know? I wish someone would have told me, I had to play detective because I was too busy having his babies, working full, commuting 3 hours a day to support us all, and breastfeeding to notice.

It's not your fault or anything you did. He took advantage of you just like my H did in the past.

So sorry you are here.
Good luck, sweetie!


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Ladyogilvy
Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I agree with giving his wife all the information you can. You may want to consider asking a 3rd party to do it for you, with the offer to talk to her if she wants to. It may be hard for her to believe you and/or trust your motivation at first. It is unusual for someone to show as much integrity as you have in this situation. As a BW, I think an apology, knowing that she will be hurt even if it's not your fault, along with the information that you never would have knowing gotten involved with a married man and that you have cut off all communication with him since finding out, would help her start processing things clearly. Please do let her know about this place. The secrecy around affairs is part of what makes people so vulnerable to them and the terrible damage they cause.

Please do not warn her husband you are going to tell her. He will make up lies about you. Those lies will hurt her further as she learns the truth over time. The sooner she knows the whole truth the better.

The integrity you have shown here bodes well for your future happiness in relationships and in general. You deserve better than what this man has put you through and by removing him from your life, you will be able to find it.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 9:47 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1536 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
TXBW68
Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

As a BW, I like the idea of using a 3rd party or mail to tell his wife. I'm not sure about showing her pictures though. The mind movies that creates can be too much sometimes. I don't know what OW#1 and 3 look like. I know names, places, etc. But they are just abstract figures in my head. I do know OW#2 and 4 though - #2 was a friend. I see them with my husband in my head all the time. It's a total mind fuck for me.

In my opinion, a 3rd party talking to her with a timeline from you and your cell phone bills should be enough at first. If she wants more, she will ask or find a way to get it without you.

And I agree - you are probably not his first or his last. This is not your fault. I'm sure you are hurting over the loss of your boyfriend. I praise you for thinking about his wife right now, especially since he obviously doesn't.

I wish even one of my H's OWs had thought about me/kids before deciding to fuck my husband. All 4 knew about me - and just didn't care.


Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
mindbody
Member
Member # 27941
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

You're on the right track novahurts so keep the focus on exposing OM, telling his
BW. I would have preferred a certified letter addressed to me, yes, from the OW.

There's a huge difference in your case, you did not know the OM was married. I'd begin the letter with that fact along with a promise that you have established no contact with OM upon finding out that he is married. Tell her you will speak with her if she has any questions.

Enclose a timeline, she can choose to read it or not, with copies of correspondence, receipts, etc. to verify your account.

Are you worried about how the OM may react to you contacting his BS? Remember, your love life with him was a lie and he cannot be trusted. I would enlist a trusted friend, someone who is not emotionally wrapped up in this drama, to help and guide you through this situation.

I believe the sooner the better so those lingering "weak thoughts" don't creep in and change your mind. Never tell OM what you intend to do or threaten him in any way. Your mission is to eliminate this liar and con man from your life and to give the BW the truth about her cheating H.

Scary? Yes, it is the right path to take in order to regain your life and move forward. I appreciate your concern for his BW.


Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2010
notquiteoverit
Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

BS here - please tell the BS. She has the right to know. It will not be easy, but be honest and empathetic. As far as her husband goes, this is not a good guy to get involved with, even if he does become single. He will treat you the same way he treats his wife. There are better fish in the sea.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 578 | Registered: Jul 2011
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

BS here...please tell. Please.

I received an emailed photo of a card my EX sent to his bf. It was the proof I needed to see...his handwriting.

I then responded to the email to get more information. I feel like that email saved my life. That man gave me everything I needed, FB chats, copies of emails, copies of plane tickets, everything.

BTW, my ex was telling guys (gay affairs) he was divorced. When one of the guys found out he was still married (by Googling me....), he immediately contacted me. He did it to hurt my ex, not because he cared about me and the kids, but the result is the same.

Find her, send her something that proves the affair. For me, it was simply confirming what I suspected.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4187 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
rivenheart
Member
Member # 13838
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

BW here. I'm sorry you find yourself here, and sorry for the pain you're going through. I also commend you on your ethics for ending the relationship, and your bravery for posting here. In my opinion, you are more a betrayed girlfriend than an OW.

I think a lot of BW's could sympathize with you quite a bit, and I think the BW in this case might do so - provided she believes that you didn't know. And she will have every reason to believe you if you give her the truth, your assurance that you will never be in contact with her WH again, and the opportunity to follow up with questions later on.

I want to say that you hold the power to simplify things enormously for the BW. In my case, both OW knew my WH was married. My rage at them was indescribable and long lasting, but ultimately pointless. I think if I'd been able to hold the OW blameless, as I would in your case, the emotional picture would have been less complicated for me, and I believe my healing would have progressed more quickly. All my focus would have been on my WH and my marriage, which is right where it should have been all along.

So don't sell yourself short. You're not at fault, and you have the ability to help the BW quite a bit. Keep posting and reading here. I think you'll find it a valuable resource.


rivenheart ~ heartriven
Me: BW, 36 at d-day; WH, 40

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Mar 2007
nofool4u
Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

novahurts

You didn't know. He LIED to you. And when you found out, you did the right thing.

You did nothing wrong here. Be a different story if you continued on with him, but you didn't. You can hold your head up high.


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
Clarrissa
Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 5:05 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

novahurts, your post took me back 30 years. I was in the exact same position as you are right now. My first physical relationship was with a (unknown to me) married man. I was 18. Looking back, perhaps I should have known but I didn't. I'd been involved with this MM for a few months when a friend (who'd introduced us) told me she suspected he was married (she hadn't known either). His *very* pregnant wife confronted him in my apartment, in full view of their 2 year old son. Things got... intense. A few days later, she came to talk to me and told me that it hadn't been the first time she'd busted him. She was very understanding considering the situation. The MM in my sitch was able to play single with me because his W was not only out of town but out of the country, halfway around the world.

I have no advice on how to tell the BW in your case but I would suggest that you listen to the advice you've received so far. Unfortunately (or fortunately) the people here are in a position to know.

Please do not blame yourself for getting into this situation. He lied to you as much as he lied to his BW.

As for your "weak thoughts", a trick that has worked for a number of WSs here is make yourself too busy to think about him. If thoughts start to creep in, find something else that completely engages your attention, picture a flaming STOP sign or DANGER! sign. After a while those thoughts will stop coming.

Best of luck to you. You're doing the right thing, dropping this "man" like a bad habit.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

You need to tell the BS, but prepare yourself. Some of them just are not able to process this well, especially in the moment they find out, and yes, they may "blame the messenger."

When I was 7 months pregnant with our 3rd child, I got a call from an OW who did not know he was married, but she started to get suspicious. I can't say she called to "inform" me; she called to find out for herself if he was married because apparently some things were not adding up.

When I told her that we were very married and I was 7 months pregnant, she got to hear me burst into tears, etc. She hung up on me, but called right back and said she was sorry and never would have gotten involved had she known.

I believed her. Unfortunately she still chose to cheat with him again after knowing all that. Don't be like her.


Posts: 5764 | Registered: Apr 2006
pjkmkjm23
Member
Member # 35778
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

BS here...I would want to know. I would respect you for the having the courage and integrity to tell me too.

Have lots of evidence, give her a way to contact you later, and make sure it is her you contact. He will try to intercept or deflect. When you finally tell her, just give the basic facts and be prepared for her to be in shock...especially if this is her first time finding out. Chances are it's not, or at the very least she suspects something is 'off'. Then tell her you know this is hard and a lot to take in but when she's ready you'll answer any other questions and provide evidence if she wants it too.

Good luck. It's the right thing to do. And it's not your fault.


Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Canada
tryingmybest2011
Member
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

I'm a BS, and I found out from the OW through FB. I am furious at her. I hate her.

But here's the thing. She knew he was married. She knew about me and my daughter, although WH had told her we were "not getting along". Ahem. She told me in order to hurt him, and then acted all victimized to try to slink her way out of any culpability.

The very important difference here is that you had no idea about his family. From your post, I'm inferring that he would have not enjoyed a relationship with you at all had you known. That is key.

Go ahead and tell her - she needs to know. Tell her what you told us - you had no idea, you are shamed and shocked, and that you no longer will communicate with him. Don't compare your pain/betrayal to hers - please.

And forget about him. You are innocent thus far for the pain his family will feel - don't trade that for being a willing party in this mess. Your weak thoughts will fade.


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 323 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

BS here.

I found out that STBX of 20 years was cheating and it was OW who gleefully announced this to me, via texting and ruined my holidays and my life.

If there is any way on this green earth that he would tell his wife, FWIW, it is something that remains in my thoughts, all this time later.

One of the most difficult things for me to put to rest is the knowledge that almost everyone I know, knew about the A and about OW, but only two people had the guts to tell me-and it was not him.

One was a fellow BS and as I said, the other was OW.

FWIW, also, it makes my heart a little warmer to read your dismay, Nova. OW that Perv chose, as I said, is gleeful and stole my life and treats all of it as a contest.

I worked 20 years, my whole adulthood, to "earn" this place and she's known him brokenly for one year and is his "future".

I don't want to get long-winded or all about me, sorry, I wrote it so as not to generalize.

Then, I had a BF from teenage years contact me and give me the song and dance about "My awful wife", so I wrote him a tell-off letter. I notice that after he learned from a shared friend that I'm pregnant, I don't hear from him anymore. Phew.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2306 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
nofool4u
Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

You need to tell the BS, but prepare yourself. Some of them just are not able to process this well, especially in the moment they find out, and yes, they may "blame the messenger."

I agree, she may not receive it well if told.

But the BS should realize that she was an unknowing OW.

If a man came to me and told me he IS having sex with my wife, I'd want to punch his lights out.

If he came to me and said he didn't know she was married and ended it as soon as he found out, I would not be mad at him. Not his fault.


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
altehpwn
New Member
Member # 39173
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Hi Nova. As another BS I want to tell you that I think you have taken all the right steps. As soon as you found out you broke all communication with him. Keep it that way! Any reply, even to tell him to fuck off will be seen as encouragement. You deserve better than him and so does his wife.

I would recommend that you tell her also and like other people have already said, be prepared for her to lash out at you. This news is going to be extremely painful for her and you are the "safest" target for her. Try to not take what ever she says personally. Just remember that he lied to you too! Let her know that you have evidence if she needs it and that you are sorry that it happened. I think the sorry is really important even though it wasn't intentional. Because you really are sorry from what I gather from your posts. Assure her that you will not communicate with him ever again and be done with it. If she spews any venom at you, delete it. It isn't you really, it's the fact that she feels humiliated and stupid. It's mourning for the relationship and life she thought she had with him.

Hold your head up high and know that you didn't cause this. He did.

Peace


Posts: 10 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Canada
4myGirlz
New Member
Member # 38769
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

I'm a BW and effectively been on the other side of this. WH was in a LTA for almost our entire marriage with OW1 (altho there were many, many others along the way). She knew there was a GF (me) but did not know he was married or that we had children (born during their affair). One of our 3 yo twins found IMs from her on daddy's iPad, altho thankfully could not read them. After I confronted him, I had him give me his FB password and I changed his status to Married and added lots of wedding, baby, and happy family photos. She blew up and dropped him like a hot potato.

My advice to you is that when you are collecting the evidence for his BW, don't hold back anything that you think is going to hurt her. She needs the evidence to use against him. When I first confronted WH with the IMs, he denied anything physical happened--it was all fantasies. I demanded the pw to his "other" email, but there was nothing incriminating there. I was about to close the email account when I saw that he had emailed something to himself at yet another email. He still denied anything physical despite references to "seeing you again," "the last time we met," etc. It wasn't until I found photos in the 2d email account--including one with his face between yet another woman's legs--that he finally admitted to infidelity (ya think?). So altho you will be tempted to spare her feelings, she really does need all the "evidence" that you have.


Why are "Married" and "It's Complicated" different statuses on Facebook? If you've been Married more than a aweek, it's Complicated.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: California
whatamidoing
Member
Member # 37152
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

my WH OW posted a picture on face book and told me about the affair
I appreciated it listened to her cried with her sent nice texts and emails to her and thanked her for being honest
then it turned out to be a game she played on me over and over!
you are innocent and a victim right now no one could think otherwise
you know better now do better and don't become the OW
good luck and so sorry this happened to you


A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself
_________________________________
BS Me 43
WH 42
DD June 2nd '12
LTA (2+ yrs)
False R Many times from July '12 till now forced D
OW: acting like she is the wife

Posts: 186 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Guelph
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

A friend of mine was in a similar position. She is D, met a new guy, who traveled to her area on business and started dating him.

He told her he was D, with 2 kids. She usually met him out for their dates as she did not believe in having her kids exposed to someone unless it was a serious relationship.

The very day she decided she didn't have an interest in him and dumped him, she got a call from a friend of the wife letting her know the guy was married and had 5 kids.

My friend, who was unknowingly an OW, ended up speaking with the BW for hours. Gave her the entire timeline, etc.

The BW was quite grateful as she had suspected the WH was cheating. She found my friends phone number on the phone bill.

I think it is quite possible the BW in your circumstance could suspect something. It could also be he has been quite mean to her in order to justify in his mind the A.

I would tell her. You should have a brief timeline and "evidence" ready to email her should she ask for it.

Also, I do think there is a point where you have every right to say "I don't want to answer that question" or "I have answered all the questions I am going to answer. I wish you only the best in life. Good bye"

Think about what your boundaries are. You don't need to spill all your personal sex history.

But do tell her that the her husband is a cheat. YOU have not harmed her family. The WH has.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 903 | Registered: Jun 2012
novahurts
New Member
Member # 39499
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

First of all THANKS to EVERYONE and their GREAT advise and encouraging words. It took me a little while to figure where the wife and children live (as POS has an apartment). I gathered every picture, letter, card, gift and put them in a box with the address to apartment and had my brother deliver them to her. He left his # so if she wants to contact she can. My brother wanted to kick POS ass, but I convinced him this would be better. He delivered the box yesterday (making sure POS car wasn't there and asking her name when she opened the door to be sure POS didn't intercept) and I have not heard from POS since! I am working on my mental rage and hurt with the help of my brother and sister in law. I hope the BW doesn't contact me but if she does I am ready to give the ugly truth, all of it. Thanks again for the great advise.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2013
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, June 14th (Friday)

Well done honey.

One day you will look back on this and realise you acted with dignity and integrity. You will be able to proudly say to yourself "I did what was right".

I wish you luck finding a good man. You and he deserve each other.

HUGS

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2754 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, June 14th (Friday)

Good for you nova.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.


Posts: 3423 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
KeepCalm_CarryOn
Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, June 14th (Friday)

Good job Nova!! If the BW calls, just give her facts, only what she asks. You did great!


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013


Posts: 2042 | Registered: Sep 2011
newnormal
Member
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, June 14th (Friday)

Great job! I wish my ow was as honest as you have been.


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Dec 2008
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, June 14th (Friday)

Good job, nova! You did the right thing.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15420 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, June 14th (Friday)

That was very well done indeed. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, June 15th (Saturday)

I just wanted to say "Thank YOU" for telling his BW and breaking it off with him after you found out. I know that was hard to do. OW told me about their LTA not to help me, but to hurt me, and tried her best to destroy my marriage. She knew he was married to me, even though I didn't know she existed until she called me. Had she not known I would have considered her a victim as much as I was. I still even pity her a little because he also lied to her over and over again, but she knew what he was when she got involved with him. This post made me realize there are good people in this world that do care about others. I am so sorry he put you in this position to begin with and played with your huge heart. I wish nothing but happiness for you in the future. God Bless You!!!


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
DevastatedTwice
Member
Member # 29061
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

Hi Nova. You did the right thing. I'm a BS and I have one word of advice. Because you were intimate and very emotional with this man and you are in your own state of trauma right now, you could be vulnerable to his schemes. DO NOT LET HIM CONVINCE YOU THAT HE REALLY WANTED YOU.

My username is no longer accurate. I have been devastated three times. The third time I found out about WS and his affair, the OW had no idea he was with me. For the entire year they were together, both of us had suspicions but could never prove anything. When I finally found the proof I needed, I called her. She was mortified. She told him he was a POS and that she never wanted to see him again. We exchanged stories. We both felt bad for each other. But I would hear words such as what you said you've thought.......that she would think that maybe she could make it work with him if we were divorced. Then she would say how awful and crazy that was and how she couldn't believe she would even consider that.

Not long later, when I kicked him out, he went to "apologize" to her and he wooed her with his ways. For the next 6 months (I don't know the exact timeline....we are divorced now) they were boyfriend and girlfriend again. He convinced her that the only reason he had still been with me was because he felt guilty leaving me but that he really didn't want to be married to me and wanted her. She fell for it.

He would've said anything......to either of us.....so that he wouldn't lose one of us. He knew I would never take him back after 3 affairs. But she was an easier target. It was only his first time cheating on her. So even though I really felt for her when we both found out, she eventually became the evil other woman in my eyes. Even though I chose to divorce a three time cheater, I still felt like she was stabbing me in the back......continuing a life with my husband while my kids and I wrestled with the whole thing.

Don't be like her. You are better than that. I warned her. I told her he'd just cheat on her. He continued lying to everyone for the sake of his own reputation. He didn't want what was best for either of us. He wanted to use whoever he could so that he wouldn't have to suffer or feel pain.

To this day, he still tells me how wrong the whole thing was and what huge life mistakes he made. He tells me how delusional he was during that time......trying desperately to live in a state of denial so he wouldn't have to face the weight of what he had done to his family. And that poor girl......she was willing to take a three time cheater who had lied to her for over a year.......cheated on both of us with a third girl while we were still living a lie.....she was ok with all of that. She let him convince her that they could make it work. How sad. How sick.

You've done all the right things so far. I just wanted to warn you that he could come groveling and try to lie to you so that he still has someone in his life......if his wife chooses to leave.


Me - BS - 39
Him - WH, SA - 39
Married 17 yrs.
3 kids- 16, 13, 8
Dday#1 - 3/16/07 PA
D-day#2- 9/21/09 PA, began recovery 6/8/10
D-day#3- 11-8-10 False recovery.
D-Day#4- 12/27/11 Third PA, divorcing
Divorced- 6/6/12

Posts: 405 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: California
BeautifulEmpty
Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

I'm a BS and I'll add my two cents...let her know.
I'll also say thank you for being ashamed but don't spend too much time beating yourself up over something you literally couldn't help.
Approach her very gently, explain and tell her how sorry you are and you would have never looked at him if you'd known. It's good to have solid proof to show her too.
It's a small comfort to her but its better than dealing with the unremorseful , hating OW. She might rail at you but truthfully, your hands are clean. It's a lesson learned and that's the only way you can look at it.
I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I haven't yet read all the comments but I'm guessing any number of BS' are saying the same thing.
(((Hugs)))


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
sickofthelies
Member
Member # 28566
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, June 17th (Monday)

As a bs I would like to say thank you.You have done the right thing.


BS-43(me)
WS-44
Three amazing kids 20, 18 & 15.
D-day #1- EA with Bi-polar Ow Jan. 2010
D-day #2-EA with very unattractive co-worker
Sept. 18th 2014
I'm married to a narcissistic, compartmentalizing asshat!!!!!

Posts: 263 | Registered: May 2010 | From: ohio
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

I'm sure it was hard to do but it was the right thing to do. Thank you.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
MediumRare
Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Hi novahurts,
You did a great thing and kudos to you!

With so much focus on the POS and notifying his betrayed spouse, there hasn't been much discussion about YOU and how YOU are doing?

You're just as betrayed as his BS in this scenario. This POS liar/cheater also pulled on over on you and I'm sure that must hurt. What are YOU doing to heal from this? Are you getting good sleep, drinking lots of water and spending some time self-soothing or have good support structure (i.e. friends/family) you can turn to in order to heal from this POS?

I hope you are doing well, novahurts!


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 721 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

I'm fresh from being betrayed and I'm happy to see that there are truly OW who do NOT want to be that.

I would NOT be weak. I'm telling you, you deserve better and should look for it while you can. If I didn't have a son I wouldn't even be thinking twice.

I would have welcomed my OW (is that a term? she's "his" OW I guess but the OW in my case) letting me know when it first started instead of her letting it go "unaddressed" (as he is claiming) to the point he was bonkers and got fired.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Oh and you were betrayed. You were lied to. Hugs to you.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
lilflower1000
Member
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Thank you on behalf of the bs she can now make informed decisions about her life and the life of her children.
Yes you need to take care of yourself. You have been betrayed, but remember she is stuck w/ him for the rest of her life whether she stays or goes since they have kids. At least you can move on and never see him again.
(( hugs)) to you. You are a amazing woman. Through the hundreds of posts I have read on SI, I have never heard of an ow who behaved w/ such dignity. I hope you find a wonderful man who treats you w/ respect and dignity.


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 315 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
joeboo
Member
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, June 21st (Friday)

Hi novahurts,
You did a great thing and kudos to you!

With so much focus on the POS and notifying his betrayed spouse, there hasn't been much discussion about YOU and how YOU are doing?

You're just as betrayed as his BS in this scenario. This POS liar/cheater also pulled on over on you and I'm sure that must hurt. What are YOU doing to heal from this? Are you getting good sleep, drinking lots of water and spending some time self-soothing or have good support structure (i.e. friends/family) you can turn to in order to heal from this POS?

I hope you are doing well, novahurts!

Very well said.

Hats off from another BS.


Posts: 1214 | Registered: Feb 2011
Shattered-Heart
Member
Member # 32165
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Nova, I just want to say I'm so proud of you. Through your own anguish you made sure this woman who was/is as betrayed as you can have the information she needs to make decisions for herself and her children about this man's 'behavior' - to put it politely. That is not easy to do, but as a BS a few times over I can say I could only wish for a person to extend such care to a fellow human being. Mine just came into the picture to destroy the marriage, she knew full well but maybe believed his 'I love yous' and the rewrite of our history (he totally demonized me). There's no way to lie and gaslight with proof like that. I love that your brother is on board with you and wants to kick his ass even if he doesn't. You're a good person, and I'm glad you've got support. I wish you healing and ultimately happiness with a man who is worthy for you. Don't forget to take care of yourself, as you're just as shell shocked as she is no doubt.
(((nova))))


Me BW
Him WH
"The trick is to keep breathing." - Garbage

Posts: 181 | Registered: May 2011
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Are you doing okay, Nova? Sometimes the right thing hurts...and I'm thinking of you.

Thanks.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8888 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 59