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User Topic: Opened a bottle of Sena
click4it
Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

and broke down crying. Haven't cried in quite a while. I also haven't opened a bottle of Sena since I last opened it for my Dad.

The flashbacks came roaring back of my father and his illness. He had to take Sena everyday and I remember giving it to him.

I wanted to throw the bottle away and never see it again.

It will be Father's Day very soon and more than likely I will be a mess. I've already been slowly getting anxious of the day coming. The first Father's day without my father.

And there were so many Father's days that I actually did not want to see my Dad. I dreaded the day sometimes. And now I would do anything to spend the day with him this Sunday.

(What I bitch I was.) Be careful what you wish for sometimes. I never ever wished that my father would die, but there were times I wish he'd go away so I didn't have to talk to him. How fucking stupid is that?

Ok, I need to stop before I turn this pity party into an all night pity fest.


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25628 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

We've all had feelings like that, clicks. What, you were supposed to be the perfect daughter/person for him? We can't even be perfect for ourselves.

Ups and downs - it's the nature of relationships. You were there when he needed you the MOST.

I know this holiday is going to be super hard for you. Try to remember that he's not really gone. You are a part of him, and he will always be with you. You LOVED him. You did. Don't beat yourself up. Just cry when you need to, and know that it won't always hurt this much.

Sending big hugs.

(((clicky)))


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17889 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

(((click)))


Posts: 36028 | Registered: Mar 2011
jrc1963
Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

(((Click)))

My dad died in March 2011. I struggled thru his birthday (June 13 and Father's Day) that year. I know exactly how you're feeling.

Each year it's gotten just a little tiny bit easier... But I still look for cards to send him.

I, too, went thru some times in my life where I didn't speak to or see my dad and I know that feeling of regret that you have...

If you want to talk, I'm available to PM.

(((Click)))


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 69
DS - 13
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24597 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

((((click)))) Be gentle with yourself, honey.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25835 | Registered: Aug 2011
click4it
Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Thanks all. I know I'm not supposed to be perfect. Its just the few years before he died he really tried to make an effort with me and I blew him off. He had issues that I never fully realized until after he died. Had I understood then what I do now, I might have been more tolerant, I don't know. But I'm sure that's the nature of someone's passing - we all wish we could have something a little differently.

Appreciate the hugs everyone and hearing my vent last night.


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25628 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
Topic Posts: 6