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Reconciliation
User Topic: Just drove to her place
UKlady
Member
Member # 39058
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

The OWs - didn't do anything, hadn't planned to just wanted to see. Why? Don't know. I already know the area it's only about 10 miles away but I'd never drive through there - no reason to.

It's a skanky area - I knew that already - just had to prove it to myself perhaps. So, sat in my car outside her ground floor flat, I just wanted to see. Try to imagine WH driving there, getting out his car, knocking at her door. It's such a deprived looking area. I kind of feel better for doing it. Don't know why. Just do.

I have a sense of calm - have also received the all clear on STI tests. A moment of calm.

It's temporary.

[This message edited by UKlady at 6:55 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Knowing
Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

It''s part of the process.

I would have driven the 800 miles to check out the MCOW''s neighbourhood if I thought I could sneak away that long... I don''t blame you one bit.

The thing is, it''s not about her. She could have been anybody. Rich, poor, young, old, it was whomever was willing to spread their legs for our equally broken WH. While it feels good to know these OW have nothing on us, we give them power when we consider them at all.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
UKlady
Member
Member # 39058
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Thanks Knowing - glad to hear you would have done the same.

And what you said about it not being about her I do get you. I really do - I guess. It's not about her and it's not about me. My WH is totally doing everything right to aid reconciliation and acknowledges it is his mess, his issues, his problems and his doing that has brought us to this place.

I don't know why I did this. I just wanted to - can't really explain it. I had no intention of knocking on the door. I was perhaps hoping to catch sight of her because I don't know what she looks like but it's probably good I didn't see her as maybe my emotions would have got the better of me

I so want to get off this roller coaster


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Yakamishi
Member
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I can so relate to this.

Used to drive by his work. Also went to his house a couple of times. Wanted to see if he got kicked out yet.

Alas, just triggered me more so i promised WW i wouldn't do out anymore.

Happy to keep the promise.


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 216 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

UKlady I know the feeling. It may not solve ALL your issues and pain, but if you had to do it, do it.

I did it. I drove to the spot where they madeout (and fondled). I passed by his house, where they used to work..etc. I don't want to go back though. It's done, it's in the past. I'm still hurting, but to revisit is to re-open open the wound.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
seamonkeydo
New Member
Member # 39493
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I did as well. I now avoid that road as much as possible, but for some reason I felt the need to drive by when I first found out. I also met with the OW in person 3 days after I found out about the A. I wanted the OW to know that I was a real person and not just a name, since we had not previously known each other.


let your past make you better not bitter.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2013
TXBW68
Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Last summer, my family and friends offered to rent a charter bus so we could all go knock on OW#4's door - 1600 miles away!

That would have been lots of fun! Fortunately for her, I turned down the offer.

Now, I don't even watch TV shows based in her city. I get triggered too much from it. I tend to stay away from all things OW-related as much as possible.


Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 787 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
HurtButHoping12
Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I'm almost 2 years out, and still have this intense desire to drive out and see the OW's trailer. It's like an hour and a half away from here and every now and then, I get the urge to have FWH drive me out there. I'm not sure why!


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
vistainc
Member
Member # 37688
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I did it too. Didn't even realize I was at her place. Felt like I was in a trance. I texted fWH from her parking lot and asked him how he got in and did he have to park out back.

She had to come to the door to let him in the building etc. He wasn't happy I was there but knew there wasn't anything he could do about it.

You are not alone (((hugs)))


Me BS 48
WH 52
4 Sons 25, 25, 23,18
D-Day 11/20/12

Posts: 150 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Western MA
LivinginLimbo
Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I did the same thing. It was just the one time. Since she knows where I live, I thought I'd even the playing field.

Like you, I also don't know what she looks like. I didn't see her so that hasn't changed.

Having her address did come in handy recently. My H hired an attorney to get her to stop contacting him. I had all the info they needed to have it hand delivered by a process server.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1019 | Registered: Mar 2012
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

((UKLady))

I did this, too. Multiple times since OW lives less than a mile from our house.

I would do the same thing you did. Picture WH parking, walking up the steps, knocking on the door . . .

This may sound nuts, but I think I wanted to go back in time and stop him. I wanted to shout no and shake him--wake him up.

At a certain point, the thought of driving by there stopped coming into my head. It helped that spring is a super busy time of year for our family. Maybe my subconscious finally accepted that I can't change the past.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
MissD
Member
Member # 39377
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

I did this too, drove to the place he said all his A's took place. Not surprising he lied about that being the only place. Not surprising when in a conversation about a week later he tried to imply I was sick and showing signs of troubled thinking. Well WTF? I wouldn't be thinking about his dick in her vaj, or hers, or hers, or hers... if they were never there to start with. Thankfully I was able to see his gas lighting hand (thank you SI) and promptly tell him to piss off until he got his shit figured out.


BW 40's - WH 50's
M 20yrs, T 23yrs
2 children
Multiple EA, OA,& PA's
Thankful for my faith in God to be my strong tower.

Posts: 70 | Registered: May 2013
scared and sad
Member
Member # 31838
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

I did this in the first few months - way too many times.

It's not really surprising when you think about it. We are trying to put together the many missing parts of the jigsaw; to make sense of what was going on. Seeing the "crime scene" must help to fill in the blanks.


Me: BH 47
Her: FWW 45 (Weak)
Married 24 yrs 3 boys
D Day 1: 20 Nov 10 (6mth PA/EA)
D Day 2: 02 Dec 10 (Told about 1yr PA in 2002)

Posts: 68 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: UK
sarahm49
Member
Member # 37351
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

I had my H drive me to every location he had sex with her in our van. It was tough, but I wanted to be there with him for him to feel and see the pain. It was horrible, but now I can drive by those locations myself when I have to and I only have a little anxiety, no panic attacks anymore.
I also had him drive me by her house even though they didn't have sex there.
That was all in the first 2-3 months. Now I don't drive by at all.
I know exactly how she looks from Google and facebook.
It's NOT pretty.


BS:Me 50
WH:50
D-Day Oct 20,2012
TT until final disclosure Dec 21, 2012 at polygraph.
Married 24 years

Posts: 155 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Ontario
LivingALie
Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

I did the same thing. I googled her address and drove to her house one afternoon. It’s about 15 miles away. I wasn’t planning on seeing her or doing anything – for some strange reason, I just wanted to see where she lived. I’m glad I did – now I see why she wanted my life – she lives in a run-down housing complex – perfect for someone like her.


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Nov 2007
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Sad  Posted: 10:09 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

shit...after reading this I want to go back to the spots. I'm only hurting myself and turning the clock back.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
MrsDoubtfire
Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

After DDAY I drove to her house and sat outside with a car full of people... I hadn't intended on doing so but I flipped and decided I wanted to see where she lived.

I sat outside saying I wanted to go and knock on her door and hit her but was talked out of it and we drove off!!

Almost 12 months later I drove to her house on a cold, wet, rainy evening as my gut was screaming at me to confront, confront, confront.

She answered and looked at me like I was shit on a shoe until I told her FWH was lying and that we were NOT S and were trying to sort out our M and to ask if they were still 'seeing each other!' When she stated they were we then spent the best part of 2-3 hours talking and comparing notes.

It took all of my ladymanners not to vomit throughout her confession time like my stomach wanted to!

Know what the worst part was?

Having to listen to her bemoaning about how SHE had been lied to and how SHE was the poor victim who was being cheated on.

Guess I must be pre-menstrual or something as my triggers are raising their ugly heads again.


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1571 | Registered: Jul 2009
Caligirl9566
New Member
Member # 38694
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

I have done the same thing. Drive by her house and yep... It was a dump. I can't believe he would even think of going in a place like that. But then again I never thought I would be going through this either. 4 months and things are better but not great. I try everyday to not think about it, but as you all know that doesnt happen.

Hang in there everyone and take it one day at a time.

Cali


Me/BS 46
Him/WH 51
Married 17yrs
DD 2/12/2013
R but I just don't know

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Florida
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

i did the exact same thing...when i first learned about ow1..i drove by her place...just to see the famous "spot" where it all went down....where he would sneak out to go and visit her. she lived in an apartment that she shared with a roommate....it was really pathetic. i guess i had to do it. and then when i learned i was in false r....with ow2....i didnt go to her place. at that point, it didnt matter....i knew it would only make me feel worse.

and it is true..it really is not about the ow...even though it feels like it a lot of the time. it is about our spouses and the horrific choices they made. they really thought they were doing something....and now....most of them look like complete idiots after getting busted.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 934 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

I got fWH to drive me to her house in the first couple of months after D-Day. Made him park outside and we just sat there, while I imagined him going in there, sleeping there... I made him point out where the bedroom was, where he parked etc. It nearly killed me, but I am glad I did it.

I think the reason why so many of us feel the need to do this is to "demystify" it. Same reason I needed to see a photo of her. It's part of the process of forcing ourselves to accept it is REAL, not just some crazy nonsensical story. There is probably a more profound psychological explanation for it, but that's what I came up with and what I believe is true for me.

I believe it was a step in the process that I had to take. Some of the people I have confided in were very anti when I insisted I needed to know what she looked like, where he slept with her etc... they kept on telling me to "forget about her", "stop giving her headspace" etc. But I think I needed to go through this process for my own healing. Yes it hurt, but it was necessary.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 946 | Registered: Oct 2012
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

ItsaClimb - agreed. Everyone told me, don't go there. I had to. 1yr later and I feel as though I need to go back. To make it real again? To see how I'll feel 1yr later? To accept it once more? I don't know.

Being there took away the sting too. When I think of the location where things went down my heart sinks. Once I'm there, it is just a parking lot behind a commercial building and lots of cars. Nothing more, nothing less.

Of course, to picture my W parking next to him and climbing into his car... oh Lord. I can't believe what she did. A responsible, good, upstanding mother and wife and yet doing this in secrecy to get off. ok..I should stop.

[This message edited by 2married2quit at 8:34 AM, June 13th (Thursday)]


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
UKlady
Member
Member # 39058
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

((2married2quit))

I'm feeling slightly concerned that this thread I started is proving to be a trigger for some who have read it. I really didn't want to cause any grief - sorry to any of you for whom this has been painful.

It has helped me immensely to know that there are some people who felt compelled to do the same. I haven't told my WH what I did yet - not sure when to. We have a first session with a new MC this evening so maybe it will come out then, who knows? I know he'll have a heart attack over it as he's told me that OW is very dangerous - psychologically - well, you know what? I'm not scared!!!

It's not like I confronted her at all. Just parked several feet from her door and looked - I needed to look and I'm still not exactly sure why but it has helped. I don't need to do that again.


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

UKlady - It's okay. I've been triggering like crazy this week and last anyway. I came here to feel normal again.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Maybe it is a function of reality testing. That the affair trauma provides such an extreme test of the stability of our minds that we have to ensure it really did happen? Sometimes that's how I feel when I revisit the affair details. I generally call it pain shopping but I also wonder if it serves a different purpose. That perhaps we *have* to continue to prove it happened to prove we aren't crazy. Especially for those who went through lots of gaslighting or TT or several ddays. These sorts of physical manifestations of truth help prove reality to us. It DID happen. We didn't make it up. And while it hurts to proven right again and again, it sure as hell is better than being crazy.

Dunno. Just spit ballin.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6359 | Registered: Jan 2011
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Rebreather - I think you're really on to something. Just recently since it's the anniversary of DDAY I have found myself obsessing again and taking steps back. I went thru the old phone records again, the old notes, calendar, putting together the time line and even wanting to revisit the location and calling OM. Now I get it, I think you are right. I like to confirm that it is true and I'm not going crazy.

Thank you for that.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I haven't been on her street, although its near a gym we like to go to. I did googleearth street view her house, however. When she still worked with my fWH, I went to her office to talk with her (I hadn't found SI then!), but she was unexpectedly out


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 854 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 26