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Wayward Side
User Topic: Tales from the dark side
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Working through this process while taking a break from SI has been interesting. I find clarity, some healthy time away from the focus, and test driving my new normal. Liking it. Performance is good. Handling the turns well and enjoying the power.

Checked in a few areas so realize a birds eye view isn't always accurate but sometimes it's balls on. The growth of some members is astounding. Wish I had that but I just eked inches at first with much backward ground visited. Thank God for TG, MJ and many others gentle but firm prods.

Something I've learned is hope and reality can co-exist nicely...IF...you know where each belong. It's when you blur them together the wheels come off. What you have is here in front of you today. Learning to really see that without the maudlin soundtracks playing is hard. Evicting "if", and "maybe".

While not all waywards are alike there are a few things that aren't work arounds, to me.

Drive. If it's missing there is no substitute. Waiting for someone to find it is a fool's errand. The self betrayal in our choices has to be the catalyst regardless of love for the BS, shame, guilt, self loathing. Most of those are just noise anyway. Cop outs and cave ins. No place for that. That's got to be front and center every morning whether it's acknowledged, noticed, appreciated by others. It's a painful thirst for finding every weakness and every strength used carelessly. Pulling all that shit from the shadows and enabling the light to shine in every corner.

True Honesty. Not just with others, with ourselves. That's actually where it starts. It's always frosted my ass to hear some members tell me I didn't cheat because I was honest, let my spouse know ahead of time just what was going to happen. Yeah, I did. Only a few get how twisted that little treasure was. Honesty is just like anything else. It can be done well or wielded like a weapon. That's how mine was used. After all, what good is a raging "fuck you" if it's whispered and hidden? I was smart enough to know I was no match physically and fucked up enough to think I had a drone in my arsenal that would gift me retribution.

Not calling anyone out and don't remember who posted it but read how an affair woke their spouse up. Made him take notice and FINALLY work on his issues. So setting yourself on fire hoping to singe another works? Not at all. What you end up with is horrible disfigurement and a spouse that devalued himself to find common ground. áStay tuned for pain. Two broken people just bleed together. That's it. No healing. No growth.

Letting go. Anything you do for another's recognition, response, approval, validation is a performance. Unless you're a stage actor you know that being is all that's real. As you become whole and healthy you stop looking to others. Nothing more pathetic than an adult with lists. I cleaned the oven, cooked dinner and didn't fuck the guy who smiled at me in the store. Gold stars all around. Seriously? Your spouse/partner is not the reason you cheated whether they're a saint or an asshole. I needed attention is bullshit. It truly is. You may find you're just a collector and old praise and love is just so 4 Taylor Swift break up songs ago. A sieve never fills up.

If your partner honestly treated you poorly the acceptance of that treatment is a big X to dig into. Last I checked eating out every night doesn't solve the roach infestation at home in your kitchen. Those little suckers just multiply in your absence.

Martyrdom isn't a hobby. Sacrificing yourself on the alter of shame and "I so deserve this" is pulling the wings off a bug then wondering why they don't fly. No emotional cutting or internalizing others anger and pain. While you may be the cause you can't help be the cure if you're walking wounded at best attention sucking at worst. Sucking energy from someone you mortally wounded is pretty sick, I'm sure you'd agree. Working on yourself while acknowledging and owning your actions is vital. Focusing on how your spouse is processing is putting your fingers where they don't belong. Don't accept what you know is harmful such as physical abuse and affairs. Don't use your wayward tag as anything but recognition of a construction zone. It is not a ticket for others to excuse their actions using yours as justification. After all, many of us know all too well how that little mind fuck ends. Spoiler alert...not well.

Life doesn't owe you anything. Whether your childhood resembled a Norman Rockwell painting or a Norman Bates motel there is nothing personal about any of it. Just shit that happened and shit that didn't. How you cope, grow, use your tools and talents is the real story and entitlement just fucks with all that anyway. You have them, you know, or if you don't you can find them and learn how they feel in your hand. How to use them to fix, not break, build, not destroy. You only have to choose. Every day with every breath. See? Simple. No macroeconomics course requirement. Oh, áand never give up. Ever. That's just not on the table :)


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
EmotionalFool
Member
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

((UO)) CL & I missed u


WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
caspers1wish
Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Life doesn't owe you anything. Whether your childhood resembled a Norman Rockwell painting or a Norman Bates motel there is nothing personal about any of it. Just shit that happened and shit that didn't. How you cope, grow, use your tools and talents is the real story and entitlement just fucks with all that anyway.

I love that, it's what I've really learned through out this. I'm not entitled to a GD thing. I either want to be a good person, or I don't. I either want to self destruct or I don't. It's not about my shitty childhood or bad parents to fuel those flames, it's me.

It's good to see you, UO!


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 727 | Registered: Jun 2010
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Bravo.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4524 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Welcome back


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Awesome post, as usual.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1393 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Glad you're back!!

[This message edited by broevil at 11:36 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

there she is! missed you girlie. Love your post.


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5767 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Wow, it was like a symphony.

Well done, there.
Nice to meet you,

-libby :)


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,alcoholic, suspected NPD SA. 2 boys. M 6yrs T13.
DDay #1 Nov, 2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (all W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan, 2014
Filed for D Feb, 2014.He will cheat again. But, It wont be on me.

Posts: 921 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
hardlessons
Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

There goes the neighborhood!


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

There goes the neighborhood!


Nice to see you back, UO. You've been missed.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7706 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Great post!


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2080 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Drive. If it's missing there is no substitute. Waiting for someone to find it is a fool's errand.

I agree completely with the first part of this, the drive must be there and be from within.

The waiting part I am not so sure on. Guilt and shame are places people can get stuck, I wouldn't wait too long, but it worked in my case. I accept that messed up people, usually, don't just wake up that way one day. Those patterns, internal dialog's and coping strategies take a long time to hone. They take a while to unlearn as well. As a BS it blows chunks to wait and watch someone you cared about flounder all over themselves and others. That said sometime it takes a while to find the drive, shit to even know what it looks like or what it is.

Your post was great. I have learned a ton from you. This is pretty nuanced stuff out of an otherwise outstanding and enlightening post.

take care...



Posts: 1415 | Registered: Jan 2012
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

There goes the neighborhood!

I thought something similar. Right behind the yay she's back. UO you were missed.

This is a great post:

Life doesn't owe you anything. Whether your childhood resembled a Norman Rockwell painting or a Norman Bates motel there is nothing personal about any of it. Just shit that happened and shit that didn't. How you cope, grow, use your tools and talents is the real story and entitlement just fucks with all that anyway. You have them, you know, or if you don't you can find them and learn how they feel in your hand. How to use them to fix, not break, build, not destroy. You only have to choose. Every day with every breath. See? Simple. No macroeconomics course requirement. Oh, and never give up. Ever. That's just not on the table :)

It took me a long time to come to terms with the simple part of this statement. It wasn't simple for me until I realized it could be. The never giving up, yea I needed that reminder, because some days it's really tempting. Not going to happen though, I'm stronger then I think, giving up is never an option.

Again welcome back, you were missed.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2642 | Registered: Oct 2012
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Welcome back!

Great post.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4501 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
KBeguile
Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Welcome back, UO. You had a lot of people wondering and missing you, including myself.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 754 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Welcome back UO

As you become whole and healthy you stop looking to others.

Life doesn't owe you anything.

Good stuff; great post


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 431 | Registered: Dec 2012
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

They take a while to unlearn as well

Oh, yes they do but if that drive isn't there ain't gonna happen. Wert, WS aren't, for the most part challenged fragile snowflakes. Not saying that there aren't real issues and even mental illness that doesn't play roles. I'm stating that cheating is a known shit show. There's nothing "oh, SNAP" about it. You know that your partner isn't going to ask for the DVD as a Christmas gift so there's a real cogent understanding what you're doing is wrong. If there's not, then I'd be heading for the exit at Mach speed. Seriously.

The how to do it may be a struggle. The where to start, sure. The full realization of the scope and damage absolutely. That OMG I need to fix this shit in me...if it isn't there the partner is deluding themselves that anything can be fixed. I would hope they'd be detaching anyway. That should be step 1 for any BS regardless. That's the only way I could ever see any hope. Detaching and willing to walk away. Otherwise, how can you stay without it costing you everything?


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Nailinmyforehead
Member
Member # 38427
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Great post! I love your choice of words and just cutting through the BS.


"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

I would hope they'd be detaching anyway. That should be step 1 for any BS regardless. That's the only way I could ever see any hope. Detaching and willing to walk away. Otherwise, how can you stay without it costing you everything?

Word. On this, both you and I agree. And it has often been said, that you have to be willing to lose the M to save it. Getting to that place of being ok with loosing the M can be very difficult, but it is a necessary step.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4524 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

You've been missed

Perhaps better aim?


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

I would hope they'd be detaching anyway. That should be step 1 for any BS regardless. That's the only way I could ever see any hope. Detaching and willing to walk away. Otherwise, how can you stay without it costing you everything?

Yeah, no question. I recommend the first thing a BS should do it simply turn away from your WS. For the most part they talk crap anyway for while.

I also completely agree that if the drive is not there, more specifically an internal drive, it's not going to happen. Its just that I sat and watched my W sit on a couch for days - stunned. I am mean she broke it off - NC, agreed to the terms I insisted upon, but she was just numb. She didn't know shit from Tuesday. She wasn't a fragile anything she was a broken person.

They are not fragile snowflakes and certainly should not be treated like one. You can't love someone out of being a dip shit. The only thing I was commenting on (or intended to) was waiting.
The drive was not present on day one for my W. It took her going on AD's to get enough out of her depression to start really working on herself. I waited and I am glad I did. Don't get me wrong it sucked and there are no promises (never are) but I waited because I could see her trying to work through it, trying to do the things I asked. She had almost no tools to start the work needed.

I guess time will tell if I am a fool, but up to this point waiting has really panned out. TG helped me through that stage and I can't thank her enough for it.

Welcome back...



Posts: 1415 | Registered: Jan 2012
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

I guess time will tell if I am a fool, but up to this point waiting has really panned out. TG helped me through that stage and I can't thank her enough for it.

Yeah, she did me too. I don't think you are "waiting", though. You focused on yourself while setting reasonable expectations for her.

Affairs end marriages. They're a lethal blow. How people rebuild is a true amazement to me but they do and they don't just exist they thrive.

It's so hard to see the situations where the BS is doing the research, driving the recovery, dealing with anger, defensiveness, impatience, excuses, bullshit from the WS and posting for help and suggestions on how to get that WS to see, acknowledge, work on themselves.

If the wayward doesn't steer the process reconciliation is not possible, to me. It just isn't. Sure they may still live in the same house and interact as parents and co-habitants but how is that a healthy union?

Same with the overwhelming anger/rage and hatred that I see along with the, "that's a normal response". Of course it is. Betrayal of that magnitude triggers that response. It's very normal. Staying with the trigger as that rage makes itself comfortable and invites friends isn't.

Read some posts here in other areas and it's sweet tap dancing Jesus. "You're" turning your rage and bitterness into a hobby and while it can generate some truly humerous names and assessments it's hardly conducive to a healthy life and being an attractive package.

Guy at work went through a horrific divorce. Ex was an enormous bitch and needed to be c@$t punted. He's very creative with his names and descriptions of her. Some laugh. Some quietly inch out of the room but no one would touch him with a ten foot pole and a hasmat suit for anything other than waving.

If both parties can work though it after the WS has gotten a good head start and the BS has healthy detachment both of them letting go of outcomes...great. If not, life is too short and we're dead too fucking long.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Hope24
Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Welcome back, sweetie. Your wisdom and honesty has been missed.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7605 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Hi UO


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196528 | Registered: May 2002
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Hey DS... If your local wasn't hotter than the center of the sun I'd love to see you guys. Being the delicate little snowflake that at I'm, though....

Hey, MJ and Gonna, et al. Missed you guys.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Cannaman
Member
Member # 33834
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Haven't been here in a while myself. Glad I came here tonight and read this. Thank you UO, you seem to have amazing insight and quite a talent for prose!

Edited when I realized my use of prose was less than impressive

[This message edited by Cannaman at 11:43 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


m BS/ FWBF/ F pill addict binge drinker 33 h FWW/ BGF 34
d 5 s 3
My A: ONS 2003 other inappropriate behavior/ poor boundaries
Her A: 5 month EA/PA 2011
DDay 8/30/11 (I caught her and confessed to mine)
married 3 years, together 15 working on R/

Posts: 397 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: right behind you
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, June 14th (Friday)

You can't love someone out of being a dip shit.

how true.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6564 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, June 14th (Friday)

Thank you for coming back. Missed your posts, of which I understand about 75% of...


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4529 | Registered: Dec 2010
thinkingclear
Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, June 14th (Friday)

Spot on in so many ways. Something I've felt down deep and kinda understood all along and was certain 'the drive' wasn't present in my WW. As I've detached and worked on myself (after failing to "love her out of being a dip shit"), I've still wondered how long should I wait to see if she does develop that drive.

The one thing my IC has reinforced is that the one thing that I need from my WW may be the one thing she may unable to give me. Time will tell.

Wert
Nice to hear that your wait has seemed to be worth it.


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
wifeno2
Member
Member # 31529
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, June 14th (Friday)

Missed you UO. I sure wish you could come hit my WH over the head with your wisdom/insight /sense...

But then he'd probably hit on you


Me-BW (45)
Him-WS (42)
DS 19 (prior relationship)
DS-8
DDay #1- 10/22/2010 EA/PA with MOW coworker
Dday#2:11/17/2010 beginning secret emails with potential OW#2
DDay #3 11/22/2010 still seeing OW#1
Too many DD's to count: Now up to OW #6.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: the south
DWBH
Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, June 17th (Monday)

A sieve never fills up.

So true... reminds me of my W's tag line: "You told me that I would find a hole within the fragile substance of my soul and I have filled this void with things unreal,and all the while my character it steals."


I don't know if I agree with this though:

If the wayward doesn't steer the process reconciliation is not possible, to me. It just isn't. Sure they may still live in the same house and interact as parents and co-habitants but how is that a healthy union?

I DID do the research, drove the recovery, etc.... pretty much everything you state in that paragraph. It isn't the preferred route, for sure, but there was simply no choice. My W didn't drive, and it was clear she wasn't going to, or capable of it at first. If I didn't do it, we'd be divorced by now.

We are still fairly early in the R process, but I feel as though we are thriving, and am confident of a "full R" someday (whatever that looks like). Not being defensive here, and not advocating that the BS drive R, but just offering my experience that it's not a black & white area.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, June 17th (Monday)


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3882 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
cinnamongurl
Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Good to see you UO! I've missed your stone cold honesty and infuriatingly thought provoking posts! In my dark, self piteous, first few months here, reading your posts helped me look in the mirror, good and hard, and admit I really didn't like what I saw... at first I got angry... then I got to work. I like the journey I'm on now. I'm just on the first leg of it, and there's a long way to go, but I know I'm on the right path. I like owning my shit... warts, scars, and all (afterall it's always been mine, I just needed to reclaim it) and having that power to change it. It has brought me back into the world of the living (breathing, thinking, FEELING!) Thanks for holding up that mirror!

Anywho, you've been missed, and welcome back!


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 17 yrs. "You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
Kurt Vonnegut



Posts: 502 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, June 17th (Monday)

I DID do the research, drove the recovery, etc.... pretty much everything you state in that paragraph. It isn't the preferred route, for sure, but there was simply no choice. My W didn't drive, and it was clear she wasn't going to, or capable of it at first. If I didn't do it, we'd be divorced by now.

I didn't say "drive" I said steer. Here's why. A veteran, Inchoate posted an amazing post about this years ago. The BS is in excrutiating pain. While it's said on here a wayward needs to do whatever the BS needs to see, if health is the goal (and I would assume it would be) some of those things actually run counter to that goal.

I'm quite certain the very last thing some BS's want to see is the wayward working on themselves and getting healthy because that involves errecting healthy boundaries. That can seem like a huge slap in the face to someone you've run over by a truck.

I've read posts on here thst state "doesn't matter, if "you" need it they need to do it." What I think some of the people that do this don't realize is that is actually affair behavior with the focus changed. Now they're fighting for the BS with the same toxic compulsion as they did the OP.

"I'll do anything to keep this marriage" turns into, "fuck really? I'm not a child. You still don't trust me? You still checking up on me? You still need to bring this up? Oh, ok, I'll answer...just thought we'd be over this by now...I've been good".

That's what it looks like when some BS's "drive" reconciliation. They're not really driving anything. They're pulling, prodding, pushing. After the kind of trauma inflicted how can that be anything but a fucking complete body scrub with salt on an open wound?

If WS "steers", they're reading, digging, sharing. Songs are changed proactively. Passwords are freely given. IC appointments are made. The affair is brought up. Communication is regular and reflective of remorse, concern, true horror as the realization hits of the enormity of destruction.

To me, the only thing the BS should be driving is their healing. Would you pick up an accident victim from the street and have them drive the ambulance to the hospital? Doubtful.

You state if that were the case you'd be divorced by now. Well, I didn't choose to reconcile, but to me, that might not be a bad thing. I can only go by how I process things and I can tell you if I was needed to drive, steer, guide, anyone that had just demolished me I'd be quite fine with that result.

I do understand that not all feel the same way. There is no one way and I'm sure recovery is as individual as anything else. What I posted was my view.

I'm glad you guys were able to work through this. I love reading those stories.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Topic Posts: 35