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Reconciliation
User Topic: Does he deserve to be treated any better?
DoneWithLove
Member
Member # 39380
Question  Posted: 12:08 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

My husband of 6 1/2 years cheated on me after a long hard relationship of him being unsatisfied by any strides I made to improve myself and prove that ive always been faithfull and loyal to him regardless of what he thaught. He says that before his fling with a girl from work that he was always faithfull but never tried not to look, think or touch because he was always telling himself that that's what I was doing even though he never had a shred of proof. Now he wants to make up for over 6 years of bull shit that he put me through for nothing. He says that he wants to be the husband I deserve and the father our boys deserve but every other time, this good guy thing was gone before I knew it. He wants to spoil me but part of spoiling me means spoiling the boys too. He says he wants to do whatever I want from now on because he never has even when we had more than enough money to do so. I want this but I can't seem to shake my scepticism and let my guard down. Im tired of always having to morph into what he prefers and now that the tables have turned in my favor, I know what it takes to go above and beyond and I don't think he has what it takes. Hes way to selfish and most of the time, can't see past the tip of his nose. I wish I knew that I can trust what hes been telling me but the truth is is that ill never really know and he will never have any proof. This is killing me.


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

First..why are you trying to change who you are? To make yourself good enough for your abusive WH? They was he has treated you is abusive..and..honestly..I think it sounds as if he has cheated for most of the relationship,and accused you to throw you of his trail.

Second..what is he doing to show you he wants to R?

These are just a few things he should be doing...
Be remorseful...remorse is all about you and helping you heal..it isnt selfish..that's regret.

He must get tested for STD's..with the results sent to you..you get tested also.

He must go to IC to figure out why he did this.

He must be 100% transparent..he gives you full access to all of his accounts and cell..passwords included...if he has a work phone/email..you get the passwords..PERIOD.

He answers all of your questions with complete honesty..no blaming you or becoming defensive.

He takes 100% responsibility for his choices.

He is accountable for his time when he isn't with you.

And anything else you need to heal. he needs to understand it takes 3-5 years to heal from infidelity..it's an emotional rollercoaster,he needs to buckle up.

He needs to be patient and understanding and realize the gravity of what he has done.


As for whether you have all of the truth...make a polygraph a condition of R.

Big hugs,honey.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:50 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7688 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Sounds like he's swinging from one unhealthy place - giving himself permission to cheat - to another - overindulging you and your kids. Also, it sounds as if he thinks money spent on a good time makes up for being a lousy H and father. His thinking is way off.

And what confused615 said.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:22 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10374 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
meplusfour
Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Gently, the first thing I noticed about your post was the title. It is not about whether he deserves to be treated better, it is about whether you deserve to be treated better. Your H is still thinking only about himself and doesn't seem to be demonstrating any remorse, regret or responsibility for what he has done to you. Please understand that nothing that you could have done could have changed his actions because he is solely responsible for what he does. Focus on improving for yourself and your sons, you do not have to prove anything to him. He needs to show you that he is capable of being faithful and loyal by following the steps outlined by confused 615.

Take care of yourself and your sons.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 386 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
DoneWithLove
Member
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I agree with you all. He seems to be remorseful. We went to his brothers wedding and we had to leave early because he broke down in tears. I thaught he was upset becuase our wedding was so small and thrown together. He told me the vows is what really hit home for him. He got ahold of the OW for me and I got to bitch her out, which was nice but I keep on thinking of things I wish I said to her and I really wanna stomp her face into ground but because of my better judgement, I haven't. He wants to renew our vows and the money thing is because was an ass about spending money on me because Ive always been a stay at home mom. He has admitted everything thing in counseling, our counselor keeps me grounded and makes us use our common sense. He agrees with me on alot but says that if my H wants to be opposite of what he was then I should put my guard down enough to let him because if I never give him positive reinforcement for trying then he might just give up one day. He also told us to treat each other how we would want to be treated in the situations that will arise that could compromise all that we've accomplished. He doesn't keep anything from me anymore, he calls me on all his breaks, leaves at the last second and wakes me up when he gets home. He has agreed to put trackers on his phone and truck, offered to find another job and even move to wherever I want. He wants more kids, I told him that its out of the question until I say otherwise. Hes been beating me to the chores and caring for the kids, things he never did before. He trying his ass off but I cant help but to keep him at an arms length. Even when I want attention, I feel stupid for wanting him and its hard to let him love on me because I know what he did. The dumbest part is that he says he didnt like her or want to do it but he thaught I was already gone. I don't get that. He said it was nauseating and he felt discusted with himself after they were done and thats when he said "he knew he needed to get me back". Our councillor said hes being sincere and he does seem sincere but im having a hard time believing him.

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 6:08 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
married2stranger
Member
Member # 34492
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

He agrees with me on a lot but says that if my H wants to be opposite of what he was then I should put my guard down enough to let him because if I never give him positive reinforcement for trying then he might just give up one day

Maybe it's just me but this statement bothers me...A LOT!!!

So if you stop validating him and complementing him for doing things he should have been doing all along, he will stop. He needs to work on himself and do these things because he should have been doing them anyway, not to get a high 5 from you! So if you don't acknowledge something he is doing he gets to stop trying?? He is the one who gave up and "quit" already when he had an affair, how does that make you feel any safer?

JMHO


D-Day - 10/22/2011
Married 5/29/2004 together 13years!

(Me)"I've been called worse"....
(WH)"Oh yeah, like what?"
(Me)"YOUR wife!!!"


Posts: 135 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Limbo Land
DoneWithLove
Member
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I know what you mean, maybe I shouldve worded it differently. Hes making strides on being a different person and has changed his attitude about everything. Im worried it won't last and this is all bull shit. Ive thaught about getting out while im ahead but its not how I want things to be. We had a contract made up so that I get everything... even his cat, guns and any other material possessions he has if we ever decide to get a divorce. The only thing he will get is his truck and any junk I dont want. I know it sounds petty but there's no way that after everything ive been through that ill leave empty handed. If he loves me, he will make it work so promising to spoil me would be a waist of time if he didnt mean it.


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

It is hard to be sure we have the big picture in these short descriptions, but I think it sounds possible that your H is remorseful. And if he is remorseful and that is what is driving him to be kind, more considerate, and nicer than he has ever been, then I get what your counselor is saying. Yes, that needs to be acknowledged.
So if you stop validating him and complementing him for doing things he should have been doing all along, he will stop. He needs to work on himself and do these things because he should have been doing them anyway, not to get a high 5 from you!

I don't think I agree with the above, unless I'm missing something. Even if there had been no affair, I think partners in a marriage give up "being nice" after a while when the other partner does not seem to appreciate it. You don't have to "high five" him for complimenting, but a hug or a smile might go a long way. So I think I get what your counselor is saying.

A big part of this is determining whether his remorse is genuine, and whether he is now telling the truth the best he is able. I think you have to watch, verify and check up on him in ways that he is not expecting, for a while. But if I time comes you believe he is sincere, then you need to show some signs that you want to be close to him again. And that means both of you being nice to each other and showing some sign to the other you appreciate each other. I do not believe in the 2-5 years timeline for reconciliation, and think it is unnecessarily pessimistic for both the BS and WS. And yes, I know that many experts and book authors stand by the 2-5 year timeline. It happened a lot sooner than two years for us.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 6:08 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
DoneWithLove
Member
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Thank you. I agree with you, too. Its kinda hard to keep tabs on him because he works with the OW ( not in the same area but same building ) and people that aren't employees arent allowed in the factory part of the building because of safety precautions. I worked there before they did, otherwise it would be hard to believe him. I have friends and family that work there but I dont want to alienate people by having them play private investigator for me. Other then going to work, hes been with me. Hes talked about quitting his job but where he works isn't the problem, there's women everywhere. So thats really not going to make a difference. I don't think the 2-5 year thing should be a rule, maybe a guide line or positive reinforcement. I don't know where they get their info from but you can't put a expiration date on the healing process, no matter how much help you get. Its been almost 2 months but I can't get comfortable enough around him and when I do I flip out as soon as I realize im doing it (usually after sex, a date or any attempt to cort me). Our councillor says I need to let my guard down but I fight it to the breaking point every time, I don't want to hurt him but im not going to let him do anything at my expense anymore. He breaks down when I have my little outbursts, but Im afraid it's a ploy and its hard for me to accept his apology or when he says hes in love with me. I don't believe that he could be in love with me and have an affair simultaneously. It was never an option or a possibility for me, even when I had the opportunities. Like I told our councillor, there's two kinds of people, the permiscuis people and people like me that mate for life. Im just trying to figure out if he really deserves to be treated any better then his actions suggest.

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 10:54 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

NC is necessary...he needs to get another job ASAP.

Does the OW have a husband? Does he know?

Your first post has been on my mind...that after a "long hard relationship of him being unsatisfied by any strides I made to improve myself and prove that ive always been faithfull and loyal to him" he cheated on you.

Why did you have to change to be good enough for him? Why did you have to prove you were faithful? And then you said he wouldnt spend money on a wedding because you're a SAHM..if I understand correctly,he makes the money and he'll spend it how he wants..after all..you're "just" a stay at home mom..am I right?

Other than saying he's sorry and telling you what kind of husband he wants to be..what else is he doing? Anything on my list in my other post?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7688 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
DoneWithLove
Member
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

He hasn't been in contact with her. He says he wants to quit and find a new job because when he sees her he gets nauseous and doesnt feel comfortable at work anymore. No, shes single and just got out of a "bad relationship". I dobt its all her exs fault like she says. Shes pretty flirtatious at work. She said she was hurt and they "confided" in each other. I told her that shes stupid and nasty and she was getting the nice version of me. And of all things, she was all snotty to me, she deserves to be used putting herself out there like that. She will get hers, women like her dont get far or have a good life. In the long run whether I stay with him or not, she will be the one that ultimately lost. Ill be going to collage soon (something I couldn't do before because of lack sacrifice on his part), I told him after I get my degree then he can't quit and go to college. Until then he can deal with it because he made this monster. Im glad that seeing her literally makes him sick, he gets a little taste of what im going through when I think about everything. We were raised very differently, my moms a bit laid back on keeping the house spic and span (if it doesn't go bad or stink, it gets left alone) and loves getting out. His mom lives by other peoples judgement, she would rather have a clean house then be happy orlet others be happy around her and shes never goes anywhere. His mom raised him to think a clean house is a happy house but hes a slob. The only thing he saw was a messy house and ignored is short comings that made my job harder and seemingly endless. I was raped by my ex when I was a teenager and had problems letting it go long enough to have sex with my H, he didnt know it wasnt because of him and of course that caused problems. I eventually told him everything. The money thing didnt have to do with our wedding, at the time he was barely making $150 a week. His previous job (that he was laid off from) paid good but he felt used by me because was more concerned with raising my son than I was getting a job. Hes asked me if I want to go have sex with someone else and that he would be waiting for me if I decided to come back to him. I told him that I don't want to cheat, I want to be an equal in our relationship. 6 months ago I wouldve agreed with you a 100% but for the last 2 months, hes been different man. I fought him on his new personality, saying id rather be with the real ass hole then the fake good guy. We talked to our councillor, he says that I should accept his new found good will. As for reinforcement, I get everything thing in the event of a divorce regardless of the reason. Our councillor said that 2 straight months of positive change is more then what most BSs get and that its a good sign that we can make it through if we stay positive and look at this as a chance to make things better and avoid getting sucked into our old normal. He wants me to keep all our money and only give him what he needs when he needs it and whatever is left over is mine to do with what I choose. Is that a good idea?

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 8:27 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
Topic Posts: 11