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User Topic: Why am I obsessed with making OW's life miserable?
Brokenhearted49
New Member
Member # 39243
Angry  Posted: 12:09 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

My H is doing everything he needs to do and is remorseful, He had initiated the NC even before he confessed to me and he's sticking to it. he's done everything he can to reassure me that he is committed to me and our marriage. so, if our R is going so well, why do I still want to rip the face off this woman?

she was my best friend. we had kids at the same time. she's even my daughters Godmother. But for three months, two years ago, she slept with my husband and played mind games with him using me. she manipulated me to further her relationship with him and blackmailed him to control him. And she did this JUST FOR FUN. worst of all, she fooled me all these years. I knew she was a bit narcissistic, but I was always a good friend to her.

She is in a loveless marriage of convenience where she is the breadwinner and her H is an at home dad to their disabled adopted 11 year old. she can't leave him because she would lose her most prized possession....her money. So, she fills her life with "distractions" and apparently my H was just one of many. He and I are dealing with how he got to a place where he was weak enough for her to control him, but I have this rage against her for betraying me as a friend Lmost more than my H betraying me. I wouldn't want to physically hurt her, but I have fantasies of telling her H and watching her life fall apart. He would take her for all she's worth and since he's already caught her cheating once before, he'd be going for the jugular.

However, I believe in karma and I try to live a good and decent life, so these feelings are so unlike me that I don't know how to handle them. I know that she is or will get everything she deserves in life, whether I am there to see it or not, but why doesn't this satisfy me? I want her to hurt like I've been hurt and I know this is so childish of me. the best revenge is using the infidelity to strengthen my marriage. My husband told her that she was the sure cure for infidelity and that it was his experience with her that made him realize what he had with me and what made him decide to come clean and put himself at my mercy.I should be writing her a thank you note but instead I want to write her a nasty gram. What is up with me? Does anyone else have/had feelings like this?


Me: 50
Him: 57
Together 26 yrs, married 23 yrs
2 stepsons ( which I've helped raise) 29 & 28 and our son , 21 and daughter 19
OW was daughters Godmother and my Best Friend and has NPD (severe case)
DDay: 5/7/13
Reconciling

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Medway, MA
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

This is normal.
Write a nastygram, just don't send it. It helps to get the anger out. It also helps to have a punching bag or speed bag to pretend is her.
I too long for the day when the Karma bus Stops at OW's front door, and loads her up. Unfortunately for me, I won't know it whenit happens. But at nearly 5 years out, I'm ok with that. I'm happy, have a great M now, and a very fufilling life. I assume she is still the same F'd up selfish, broken woman. Who is very sad, no matter how she acts, she is sad and broken. I am content knowing that she has to live with herself, and I have it all, well almost all, I could use the money she has, but hey. I'm happy, and she sucks. You will get there too.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8717 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Ladyogilvy
Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Your WH is doing the right thing, showing remorse, making amends, etc... So you forgive, in part because of his actions and in part due to the strength of your bonds.

Often people say we shouldn't waste time being angry with OW because they aren't who made their vows to us. When it's a stranger, I tend to agree. In those cases, the A partner could have been anyone who stroked our WS's ego. But I think it's different when the betrayal comes from a friend. We should be able to expect more from friends.

She knew you, she intentionally inflicted pain on you. I think you have a right to hate her. You certainly don't have to forgive her. At some point, hopefully you can reach a point where you can accept that she is just an incredibly messed up POS who you have permanently removed from your life and is no longer your problem.

Meanwhile, I hope she gets hit by a bus.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 12:23 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1536 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
TheClimb
Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

You are so close to your DD, please don't beat yourself up about the Whore. Very, very normal feelings. Especially as you were betrayed by both of them.

I am over four years out and have been having a really bad week as far as the OW goes. We live in a small town and have many, many connections so it is hard to totally go N/C. Things pop up on Facebook since we share so many friends. It breaks my heart that people speak so highly of her and think she is so freakin wonderful. I take great pleasure in knowing that I probably scare the shit out of her. I have NOTHING left to lose to her. She can't hurt me anymore. But me on the other hand, on a bad day could totally change her life.... in less than three phone calls. That power keeps me going during the bad days.

Can I ask why you have not told the Whore's betrayed spouse? This is normally recommended as it keeps two sets of eyes on the affair.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 467 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

At the beginning, I fixated on the MOW...and I didn't even know her!!!

I think what you are feeling is normal emotions.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
KeepCalm_CarryOn
Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Um, honestly, I would tell her H. He has a right to know what's going on in his marriage. If they are still sleeping together she is putting his life at risk by risking giving him STD's. I wouldn't do it as revenge, just honesty.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 2030 | Registered: Sep 2011
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Um, honestly, I would tell her H. He has a right to know what's going on in his marriage. If they are still sleeping together she is putting his life at risk by risking giving him STD's. I wouldn't do it as revenge, just honesty.

This...

I think it would also help with your healing...JMHO.

May I ask why you do not want to tell him?

(((((Broken)))) I'm so sorry - I too am the BS of a DB...it sucks. I do realize that she was never a true friend...I was used...that was the hardest thing to face because I am normally a pretty good judge of character. I was angry at myself for letting things go as they did as well. IC/MC helped me (us) a great deal.

Hugs....


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,22 mo.& 2 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5079 | Registered: May 2007
FeelingSoMuch
Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I'm a BH who feels the same way as you -- it's normal.

As much as I'd like to see OM accountable, the best thing we can do is ignore them and keep them out of our lives.

They'll self destruct on their own.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
imaf
Member
Member # 30916
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Sorry to hear brokenhearted49.

I think your reaction is completely normal. I did not know OW but I still felt a deep sense of betrayal. I think women should stick together, not compete and hurt each other. I could not conceive OW´s behavior and I hated her for it. I cannot imagine what it would have been like if OW was a friend!

Although it is a natural reaction, we have to try and not let revenge dominate our lives. Unless we want to be like them! Not everyone acts according to our morals. Some people simply don't have any! And this is something we have to accept.

They can only hurt us if we let them.


Biggs huggggsss I know how hard this is, 3 years myself and still struggling

((((((hugggsss))))))


Left him because I didn´t like his other girlfriend.

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jan 2011
Pudding
Member
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Me too. Why should we have to waste headspace on the one person that conspired with our WSs to wreck our lives?

I really want something absolutely awful to happen to her, and waste so much time plotting scenarios (that will never happen). She is now out of my life and more importantly out of my FWH's life. I want her out of my head.


Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Shocked  Posted: 1:10 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Broken

If I read your post correctly, her husband doesn't know?

You need to let him know. He deserves to know. Wouldn't you want him to tell you if he had found out?

It is not so much of revenge but 1) the right thing to do and 2) it puts a spotlight on the affair to help in preventing it from occuring again. You and he will both be on the look out.

The fact that she was your friend is double betrayal. So that is a lot to deal with. A LOT.

Your DDAY is still very new. Healing is a process so please give yourself some time to absorb the magnitude of what you've learned.

She is morally bankrupt so regardless of how much money she has she is an empty shell.

A thank you note, uhm no. Thank her for "waking up" your husband. Uhm, no. Your husband should have woken his own self up and figured out what was going on in his head and heart. There are many more productive and less hurtful manners in making a marriage better besides an A.

I hope you both are in IC. He needs to figure out WHY he chose to cheat with your best friend. And you need to figure out how to wrap your head around all of this and start the process of healing.

You are perfectly justified in wanting to tell her what you think of her. She attempted to take something that belonged to you. She hurt you and your family. We have ALL been there with wanting the OP to receive their justice.

I know many will say don't contact her. But my IC said if it helped me heal then she was fine with it. I wrote one email, made it as concise and articulate as I could and sent it. I wanted her to know what I thought of her, that she didn't get away with her manipulative lies and that she needed to stay away from my husband and my family or else our next meeting would be in person and I would invite her husband to attend. I hit send and felt better. I am sure my words didn't resonate but I did it for me not for her.

Take some time to breathe. I am sorry you are here. The road is long but you will make it. One day at a time.

Good luck.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1207 | Registered: Apr 2013
EasyDoesIt
Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Her husband has a right to know about the affair because she might very well be bringing home diseases to the unsuspecting guy. That's not right. Whatever consequences she faces from him for her behavior are not karma related to you. The truth is needed. He could actually inadvertently infect his son with cross-contamination if she brings home certain diseases.

Please tell her husband directly ASAP.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3698 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
BeStrong4U
New Member
Member # 39520
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Hi Brokenhearted49

Your situation sounds similar to mine.
Best friend OW with H secret A for 3 months. Double betrayal. Your OW and my OW also sound similar in personality profile.

My counsellor suggests my OW is a sociopath. Look it up. Artificially charming, feigning concern, sexually promiscuous, pathological liar, and seems to draw people to her like bees to a honeypot.

I did get some sweet revenge. Our OW has an important role in the community. Not only did I make sure her husband knew, but after going into hiding for the first 6 weeks, where she continued to strut around the community as if nothing ever happened, I told all our mutual friends as well.

She was so sure H wouldn't tell my the whole story. She obviously didn't count on my interrogation skills.

Although H is half to blame, she was the one chasing him, turning up at his workplace, our home, and in my face. Our friends were witness to lots of these occasions. Needless to say she has lost most of her friends and respect.

However, as a true sociopath, she has already started to re-invent herself, and making a new group of friends. Saw her on fb today smiling like she had no care in the world. While I, after 3 months, struggle to sleep, think and get through the day. Life just isn't fair.

Advice that I have received, is that we just have to live through the anger, and one day, around the 12 month mark things will get easier.

Life will never be the same, but maybe we were ready for a change anyway? At least our BS wants to work it out with us and I know it isn't easy, and it will take lots of hard work, but we could look forward to a more enriched relationship with them. It may be an opportunity to re-invent ourselves to move forward to a more positive 'us' for the rest of our lives?

It is reassuring that there are others out there feeling it too. We're not alone.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Jun 2013
Brokenhearted49
New Member
Member # 39243
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I am overwhelmed by all of your kind word and advice. the big question seems to be why I haven't told her husband. first, I want to make sure I'm not doing it out of revenge. second, heis just as bad as she is. I know that he cheats on her regularly as she travels extensively and pays him no attention when she is home. It is a marriage between two very selfish and dysfunctional people. he already caught her once so it's not like he is completely unaware, just blissfully unaware. he doesn't have to work And she buys him his toys, Florida house on a golf course, a Harley and lots of drinking money. he was the reason I got tested for stds when I found out. I was more worried about her getting something from him.

Bottom line, he will figure it out eventually and if he asks me, I will tell him. His W and I are attached to the hip and when he doesn't see or hear from me ever again, he ll get suspicious. lastly, since they are both just as bad, I'm feeling, in an evil way, that the fear she must have that I could at any time ruin her life, is somewhat satisfying. To the member referencing her as a sociopath, you hit it right on, she has actually been diagnosed as having charismatic narcissistic personality disorder,

Thank you all again so much. I will re-think telling the OWH....


Me: 50
Him: 57
Together 26 yrs, married 23 yrs
2 stepsons ( which I've helped raise) 29 & 28 and our son , 21 and daughter 19
OW was daughters Godmother and my Best Friend and has NPD (severe case)
DDay: 5/7/13
Reconciling

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Medway, MA
Brokenhearted49
New Member
Member # 39243
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I am overwhelmed by all of your kind word and advice. the big question seems to be why I haven't told her husband. first, I want to make sure I'm not doing it out of revenge. second, heis just as bad as she is. I know that he cheats on her regularly as she travels extensively and pays him no attention when she is home. It is a marriage between two very selfish and dysfunctional people. he already caught her once so it's not like he is completely unaware, just blissfully unaware. he doesn't have to work And she buys him his toys, Florida house on a golf course, a Harley and lots of drinking money. he was the reason I got tested for stds when I found out. I was more worried about her getting something from him.

Bottom line, he will figure it out eventually and if he asks me, I will tell him. His W and I are attached to the hip and when he doesn't see or hear from me ever again, he ll get suspicious. lastly, since they are both just as bad, I'm feeling, in an evil way, that the fear she must have that I could at any time ruin her life, is somewhat satisfying. To the member referencing her as a sociopath, you hit it right on, she has actually been diagnosed as having charismatic narcissistic personality disorder,

Thank you all again so much. I will re-think telling the OWH....


Me: 50
Him: 57
Together 26 yrs, married 23 yrs
2 stepsons ( which I've helped raise) 29 & 28 and our son , 21 and daughter 19
OW was daughters Godmother and my Best Friend and has NPD (severe case)
DDay: 5/7/13
Reconciling

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Medway, MA
Topic Posts: 15