Just Found Out
User Topic: The sad reality of my life
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I had a really long 2 hour heart to heart with WW today. I was going NC and 180, but I am trying to be real and not prolong the pain. We, rather I concluded it is over and I want to D. She didn't fight it too hard. She knows its best. The bottom line is that the relationship is dead. I wished and hoped an prayed for something to hold onto, but the depth of this affair is too much for us to save. I like to use analogies and this is what I have come up with. If your house was on fire, you could put of the flames and then dig through the ruble to salvage something and rebuild. I look at my situation as an atomic bomb. EVERYTHING was wiped out. EVERYTHING. How can you rebuild something from nothing? The answer is, you can't. I had the 3 basic requirements to consider even thinking about R. 1. NC with AP. 2. Full transparency. 3. True remorse. I am 0 for 3. She says she has NC with AP, but she can't promise it forever. Closure is needed.

I know many vets will say to take my time and not rush into anything. I am going away for a week long trip. When I return it will be 1 month since d-day. That is not long, I know, but we both seem to know it is over, so why prolong the agony? Do I want to go through 5 years of R? We don't have enough left to even attempt that. We can't attempt R, because we have a past or because we share assets. Thats not a reason. She is in love with another man and although it is mostly the fog and she will realize this someday, it may take years for her. I know (she told me) she experienced things emotionally and sexually in this affair that she has never experienced before. She also has lots of FOO issues to address and I want kids. She does not. That was likely going to end us before the affair, now it is sort of a no brainer. I am SO sad and SO heartbroken. I have been with this women for nearly half my life. I know her better than anyone in the world. She is not half ass about anything. She Went ALL in in her A and was ALL out in our marriage. I deserve a happy life and this isn't it. I want you all to know I love and appreciate you and your advice. It has been a life saver and has helped me so much. I don't plan to leave SI and will continue to post as I make my way through this process in hopes of helping other, like you have all helped me. For now I am off to enjoy a weekend of music and fun. I will see you soon.

Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)


You and only You knows what you can and can not do.

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Go have some fun Shocked. Our thoughts are with you.

My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.

Posts: 1296 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Go and have some fun. Try to relax and make your time all about you. Time enough to face this when you get back.

You know,when you KNOW you''re done, then you''re done. No one else but you is capable of making that decision. Frankly, if my FWH had not rolled over on his belly and given everything up, I doubt that we would be married right now. I was ready to boot him out.

When you come back, you may want to go down to the Separation & Divorce forum and introduce yourself. There''s a lot of good people down there that can help you as well.

But meanwhile, go have yourself a good time this weekend.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4928 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 36015
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Enjoy your time away. Try to relax as much as possible.

Me: BS
WW EA/PA with coworker
DD OCT 14 2011
Married 19 years.

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Only you can decide when you are done and when to draw down the curtain. No one here will judge you for knowing what your limits are and acting on them.

Try to enjoy your week away. You will have tough moments but you will get through this. Yes, your are right, you deserve better.

[This message edited by momentintime at 2:23 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time." Bionical girl

Posts: 2985 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Skan. Your tagline speaks to me SO much. That is how I feel right now.

Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

You're going to be just fine, Shocked.

Enjoy your trip.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8081 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 38975
Concerned  Posted: 3:09 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Shocked -

I hope you know that you will be okay. One way or another.

You have to follow your heart and your instincts. If you know, you know.

Please continue IC for yourself. You will find that you will still have a lot of healing to do.

My wish for you is peace of heart and knowing that you are worthy of love and honesty.

God bless. Onward.

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1201 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 37991
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Shocked, hope you have a great break and lots of time to enjoy friends, music etc.

Echoing everyone -- you know when you're done. You are just honoring your own instincts -- very important. For what it's worth, I think, based on what you wrote, that you are doing the right thing.

I want to comment on this, though --

I want kids. She does not

You are, in my opinion, 1000% right to end it.

Your profile doesn't say, but I am thinking you are still young -- 20s or 30s. You said you'd been with WW nearly 1/2 of your life. Even if you're in your 40s, as a GUY, you still have time to have a family.

Like someone else said, stay in IC, heal ... you can make a good life for yourself. There will be a true, faithful woman out there to appreciate you and have a family with you.

BSO, 53
exWSO, who cares
DD: 11/18/12
DD2: 11/21/12
Kicked him to the curb 11/21/12
I tramp a perpetual journey.
― Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

Posts: 119 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Red State SE US
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Thanks everyone. Has been one of the hardest days of my life. What a whirlwind. I am in my mid/late 30's so I do have a chance for a future. It is SO hard to face this reality. Being with someone almost half your life makes the decision to end it nearly unbearable, but I know itis what is best for me and that is what matters now. I know I will be OK and I pray and hope she will too. We both have a lot of healing left to do and I can't see leaving IC anytime soon! Peace to you all and I hope you are doing well in whatever stage your in now.

Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)


go have fun. Try to not think about it while you are away.
Your right it may take her a long time to figure this out if she ever does. If she does, and starts to make changes then you cna decide then if you want to continue. If not that is ok too.

Listen to your heart, you are a smart, sound man. And the next Lady that find you will be very lucky.

((((and strength)))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8709 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Getting to Happy
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I know that your sad. Infidelity SUCKS!

But you seem like your in a peaceful place.

Enjoy your time away from it all.

We are thinking of you.

WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.

Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I've seen it here a lot - you just know when you are DONE. Time to plan YOUR future. Enjoy your break, then come back and get busy living for you.

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5243 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

If you know, you know. There's no sense in devoting time, arbitrarily, to a marriage that's irrevocably damaged--just because someone says to give it time.

I know you hoped for a different outcome. I'm sorry.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8844 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Enjoy the week of music, ((Shockedman))

Your courage and conviction are sure to inspire others who are in the same place.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2451 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
New Member
Member # 39410
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

I've been following your posts, our D-Days were about the same time and I am in a similar place as you.

WW is showing no remorse, she would like to have more kids but I don't. She moved out the day after I confronted her. The only thing I'm fairly certain of is WW has NC with OM but only because the Army ordered it and I have been checking her phone and text log online.

It's time to move on brother, God help us all.

Me-BH (38)
Her-WW (27)
M Aug 29, 2010
D-day May 25, 2013
A #1 June 2012
A #2 Late 2012-May 2013
No matter what "new" information you find out, it's all just part of the same iceberg, hidden under the surface.

Posts: 50 | Registered: May 2013 | From: wa
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Shockedman, be well this week. You too, didiknow.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4928 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, June 13th (Thursday)


As the others have said, you know when you know. I tried to R for two years, and one day realized it just wasn't going to work. I was just prolonging the envitable.

But I can tell you this, things get better. I thought my world had ended but I moved on, started to enjoy life again, eventually met someone new who treats me wonderfully. The pain which once felt like a sharp stab wound is now a faint dull ache that I hardly ever feel anymore.

Good enjoy your time off. Take some time to get to know who you are all over again

BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I wish I had the clarity you do at one month out. Be good to yourself and have a fun trip.

Posts: 1734 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

The good news is that you made the dreaded decision. Most people have a difficult time just deciding on what they want to do. Now on to S/D. Take your week off and have some fun. When you get back seek out some sound legal advice. Perhaps even retain an attorney. Don't bet the farm that she be civil during this process. Don't be overly generous in your haste to finalize. Give her what the law allows and that's it. Be fair yet firm. Its obvious she is still fogged up. And like it or not its best to file now while she is still in la la land. They tend to be more cooperative when they attached to the OM. Once he dumps her and he most likely will. She will turn her anger on you. So best to move while the iron is hot.

[This message edited by stronger08 at 5:46 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5730 | Registered: Nov 2007
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, June 14th (Friday)

Good Luck Shockedman. I know you can succeed in whatever road you chose because this is probably one of the most courageous choices that you have ever made.

Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, June 14th (Friday)

Ok, I'm going to play the devil's advocate here.

You just registered, no profile. When was your dday? I understand your pain. On my first Dday, FWH let me leave for a weekend.

Now, he's fighting tooth and nail for "us." I can't express enough how much of this is a process and not a bottom line answer. I'm the most impatient person and wanted all this to end.

IMO, there is way too much going on the catagorize everything, let alone process it right now. You two are both raw to the bone.

Sounds like you're gonna party...try not to drink too much and have a RA (revenge affair). You will hurt yourself even more. I've been warned many times by others here.

You're upset and pissed off. Even sad and hurt. It's too early to decide anything...

Look at me, I'm 7 months out, one day I love him, the next I'm plotting to leave- sometimes in the same day hours apart..

I tend to be an extremest, one minute I'm holding telling him I will do anything to be with him, the next I'm thinking, I"m so out of here! For me, it's the uncertain nature of "processing" all of this.
Just yesterday at MC, I told H that I would give it a year to heal, but I'm not sure of true R, yet.

Also, I don't think your W knows how to process everything or even what she wants at this point.

I was 0-3, when this first started. Now, we're both winning.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 3:43 PM, June 14th (Friday)]

Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Topic Posts: 23