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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Ugh. Respond to this or not?
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Now I know that I'm fortunate in the sense that STBX hasn't gone off the rails, not paying child support, etc.

However... I must vent here. I can't help but be irked when he plays the role of concerned father. He's like a criminal in jail who finds religion after he's killed a whole bunch of people. NOW he's a concerned father who cares about how his kids are doing. NOW he wants to give input when he always left everything up to me and basically didn't get very involved. I'm so glad that the OW has had such a powerful influence on him and made him into a better man.

Rationally, I understand that this is better for the kids, but emotionally, I hate him for being a hypocrite. I also worry that this is all part of the dog and pony show that he's putting on for the OW. "Look at how caring I am! Look at how much I worry about how our children are doing!" If things implode with her, then we'll be back to the same old, same old, and I don't want the kids to be jerked around like that.

Anyway, I was set off by yet another one of his condescending, holier-than-thou emails. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to respond to this or if I shouldn't bother:

"OW and I have requested that the principal consider putting OW's DD in a separate kindergarten class from [our] DD. While the girls seem to get along well, we want them to have a fresh opportunity to gain friends on their own and not have a step-sibling relationship interfere with any of their academic or social development."

Are you friggin' kidding me? If you gave two shits about your children's academic and social development, you wouldn't have blown their lives apart, you dipshit.

"Also, OW and I want to minimize the opportunities for any awkward future encounters. I will try to coordinate with you our involvement in school events and conferences, etc. in this regard. Please let me know if you have any input."

What does this even mean? That he wants to make sure that OW's path and mine never cross (which is totally fine with me)? Am I supposed to answer that? "Yes, STBX, I don't want to see either of you at any school events, so I'll be certain to email you the exact times I'm attending so we can avoid each other." And conferences? He's NEVER attended our children's parent-teacher conferences. Does this mean that they both now plan on attending them with me? Separate from me? I don't even know what to say to any of that.

"The idea of a counselor seems like a good one. Thanks for taking care of coordinating that."

You're WELCOME, your royal highness. I'm SO glad that you approve. Hopefully, the counselor will work her hardest to clean up your messes so that you don't have to deal with them. Then you won't have to discuss those petty little "adult problems" with our children that you have claimed don't even exist!

I hope this means that they want to stay far away from me. That would be a good thing. But I'm sick of getting these emails from him that make him sound like Father of the Year. Part of me thinks it's just a ruse-- he wants his lofty emails on the record so that if he ever needs to jerk me around in court for whatever reason, he can show that he's been SUCH a concerned and involved dad.

I wish they'd just move away. I honestly think he'd do far less damage to our kids by leaving us than by staying around with her. I don't think that he'll be able to play the happy daddy/loving husband role for more than a few years before the facade begins to crumble, and then my kids' lives will be in upheaval again.

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 11:19 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3571 | Registered: Oct 2011
jadedangel
Member
Member # 26979
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Personally, I wouldn't respond. There is no need for it.

That email would set me off too!


DDay: I can't remember but there were more than one

Divorced 06/2007

EXWH passed away 8/31/2011


Posts: 422 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: AL
travels
Member
Member # 20334
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Crickets

He didn't ask a question regarding your kids or finances. So don't respond.

[This message edited by travels at 11:26 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


When one door closes, another door opens. It's the journey through the hallway that sucks.

Posts: 3769 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: PA
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

No need to respond to anything that's not a specific question. This looks to me like typical affair couple posturing. After D, affair couples often scramble to make themselves look like good people (think Brangelina and all their charity work and adopting a bazillion kids) They want so bad for people to forget they are cheaters so they overcompensate- getting active in church, being overinvolved in parenting, going on tons of vacations, etc.

Your X's behavior will most likely wear off. He's used to deferring to someone so it will eventually either be you or her.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49468 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT.
Say it with me.
No matter how you respond, it either comes off making you look like the bitter XW or you're agreeing and going along with everything he says. And that's called "manipulation", baybee.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6063 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Read and re-read and re-read damncutekitty's response! It is spot on!!

NC NC NC ~ nothing he stated in his email needs your response. His email is dripping with holier-than-thou!! Makes me want to puke.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2140 | Registered: Oct 2012
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

No questions asked = no response needed.

Perhaps OW is writing these?????

NC NC NC


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2625 | Registered: Jan 2010
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

He did ask to let him know if you have any input.
Doesn't sound like he really wants your input only confirmation of his decisions.

Wow, he is just so pompous.

Sorry you have to deal with such an ASS!!

This is the problem I have with ex. He uses the lines that I should be using. "I'm sorry you feel that way." "I'm sorry to hear that."

It's infuriating.

he wants his lofty emails on the record so that if he ever needs to jerk me around in court for whatever reason, he can show that he's been SUCH a concerned and involved dad.

I think you are dead right about this^^^.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

I wouldn't have responded to the other parts of the email, but I wasn't sure if I should respond to this:

"I will try to coordinate with you our involvement in school events and conferences, etc. in this regard. Please let me know if you have any input."

I wouldn't know what to say. "Yes, it's best if we plan our times at the school so that we minimize our involvement with one another." or "We can make plans to coordinate our involvement as each event occurs." Unless the OW plans on inserting herself into every event, the only times we'd actually have to be at the same event would be the kindergarten concert since our DDs are in the same grade and the end of the year school celebration for the same reason. Otherwise, we won't have any other overlapping events because her DS is in a different grade and school from both of my DSs. Plus, you can do parent-teacher conferences separately; he could see the kids' teachers with her at a different time than I see them. Should I send him a one-liner that addresses the input?


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3571 | Registered: Oct 2011
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Since you do not have any specific input right now, then do not respond. Consider this an invitation to provide input in the future when and if the time arrives.

(((hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Griefstricken25
Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Don't respond. What an arrogant ass.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2504 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

I wouldn't respond unless you REALLY care about not being the OW's presence at school events, but even then, he won't take your input into consideration, so why bother. However, be prepared in the event that she ever shows up at your child's parent-teacher conference, at which time ask that she be removed as she is not the child's legal (or moral ) guardian.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19968 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
stronggirl72
Member
Member # 37293
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Wow. NC!!!


"Taking the high road, and doing it with class."

DIVORCED!!


Posts: 154 | Registered: Oct 2012
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Blech. Sounds like OW is composing emails or leaning hard on the idiot.

No, no input needed at this time. Which inciedentaly, will probably bother him more than a response. What exact input are they looking for? Answer: trick question! They hauled out the drama llama, packaged it up as this cute little co-parenting letter and are *begging* you to pet the fucker.

Step away from the trojan llama.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4608 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
CheaterMagnet
Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Step away from the trojan llama.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1006 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Some of this is happening with Perv. He will text and say, "I'm going to the bla bla at DD's school."

I have down times when the emotions come or am tired and wrote back, "I don't care." I was trying to say it didn't bother me anymore-it does, terribly because I don't want to see him-but I don't want him to know that.

I am sorry, Trying, that more of your kid's lives are being changed because of what STBX did. I go to bat for DD constantly about this, trying in vain to salvage anything that can be left alone or the same for her life. It feels like fighting an ocean tide and I'm sad our kids get caught in it.

Anyway...I notice that he asks for your "input" but is making decisions on your child's behalf without you and that rattles me when Perv does it. At the beginning of when he abandoned us, I started hearing from the neighbors or parents of DD's friends that he was showing up at school to visit her at lunch, without my knowledge...? He would get playground time and then leave and I guess this upset many people.

What also upset me is that I was an employee there! And he got to do it without my knowledge!

Anyway...my two cents would be at least to not reply when you have any emotions and then because it's about your kids, really think if you need to.

I agree with the others about the posturing and am getting it in some forms, as well.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2187 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

I agree NC is best, but what really chaps my ass about this is that he's calling the school to discuss your DD without you. As far as I know, in NYS, joint custody means you both make decisions regarding education, health care and religion.

So, a part of me wants you to stick it right back up his ass and respond with any technical language from your parenting agreement to show him who the smart one is in this scenario. It's not the best idea to start up any drama, so again, this is just what a small part of me wants you to do. His pompous "I'm so smart and great" attitude makes me want to slap his face.

Sorry. I'm so aggressive lately!


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2753 | Registered: Jan 2011
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

suckstobeme, I don't think that I have much say in the contact that they had with the principal because it was really regarding OW's daughter. You are allowed to make such requests-- like, "Please keep my kid from being placed in the same class as this bully"-- but that doesn't mean that they'll be honored. Frankly, I'm delighted that he doesn't want them in the same class, but I don't think that it has ANYTHING to do with their "social and academic development" (what a load of horse manure). I think it has everything to do with the fact that the OW wants to minimize contact with me. That means that when her DD has something going on in her classroom, the OW won't have to run into me because my DD is in there as well. Plus, everything is happy crappy right now, but reality has yet to hit. Maybe my DD gets along with OW's DD at the moment, but how will their relationship be in a few months when they are sharing a bedroom and toys? A lot is going to change, and if my DD can count on her classroom as another safe space away from a stepsibling that she's struggling with, then I will be the one to write those letters that keep them apart in the future!

I can only laugh at STBX's smug and pseudo-intellectual attempts at talking down to me. If he really were as intelligent about his future plans as he purports in his messages, then he'd be doing the exact opposite of what he's doing right now. Everything I've read about the family situation he's about to create indicates that he and the OW are making huge mistakes. I find it amusing that I'm reading all these "how to best parent your kids after divorce" books so that I'm doing the right thing, and as I read them, I realize that he fits the "how to royally screw things up with your kids after divorce" descriptions.

I also agree with a previous poster-- I think that the OW is helping him to write these, and that makes me so happy because she clearly wants me to keep my distance. Works for me. She's entering my home turf, and my family members often come to my kids' events, so she's the one who can go skulking off with her tail between her legs. I'm not going to accommodate her; she can adjust her schedule to avoid me.

Thank you for the NC encouragement and for all of your comments. I'm sure it won't be long before Dr. Spock (the child rearing expert, not the Vulcan) sends me another missive that I can happily share with all of you.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3571 | Registered: Oct 2011
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

I'm not getting the impression that your DD has any type of academic issues, so....here's how I would respond:

"If you prefer that the 2 girls are in different classrooms, you are free to talk the principal about it.

As for conferences. You can schedule your conference time and I will schedule mine. School events are a non-issue and require no coordination efforts."

The End.

I am normally a proponent of NC, but I think that until the D is actually final.....that you need to walk a fine line.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7878 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

My DD just finished preschool and was as happy as a clam there. If anything, she's more ready for kindergarten than her brothers were because she has stronger fine motor skills and social skills (likely due to her gender). Like I said, I think that his comment about her "academic and social development" was doublespeak for "My future wife doesn't want you anywhere near her and her DD."

gonnabe, thanks for your suggestion. I'll sleep on it. I was just going to deal with things as they came along. I'm now thinking that when he talks about conferences, he just means that he doesn't want me to schedule a conference and then run into her because she has one right near mine. I think this is about keeping us apart, so I'm not going to rush to make him any reassurances. Our D is signed, according to the court system's website... I'm just waiting for the dang paperwork to arrive!


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3571 | Registered: Oct 2011
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Our D is signed, according to the court system's website

Oh, well in that case....crickets!!! Fuck that idiot.
My suggestion was more along the lines of a CYA thing so that he couldn't make you look like an unresponsive asshole....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7878 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

I assume it is OWs child that is being moved - moving your child should not happen with out your express permission.

I would talk to the teacher to ensure no changes are made in respect of your child without your express permission.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5527 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

No, this is about OW's DD. They haven't done class placements yet, and you can send a letter making certain requests (like to keep certain kids apart, to put your child with a teacher who is very regimented because your child thrives on routine, etc.). The kids won't get their teacher letters until next month, so they were just requesting that our DDs be placed in separate classes. I'm totally fine with that. If they had written that my DD's placement be changed when she had already been placed, then I would have done something about that.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3571 | Registered: Oct 2011
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

OK then crickets. This one goes in the Care Factor, Zero bucket.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5527 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

I'd be tempted to get together with suckstobeme and slap the F out of him. But, since that might be frowned upon, perhaps we could refrain, just this once.

So basically, this is what happens:

1. Meet wonderful man on Ashley Madison.
2. Their love is real.
3. rip children out of their home, make them change schools, essentially tear their life apart. But they'll be ok, because their love is real.
4. worry that hmmm, maybe teacher and other classroom moms at new school might find out that I'm an Ashley Madison troll. Didn't figure on that one, or the knowing looks. Yikes. Better insist that DD and SD are not in the same classroom.
5. But our love is real, so it's ok, but just to be sure, we'll say its in the best interests of the children socially and academically.
6. Type up email for dickwad to send to his ex.
7. Our love is real

Now, maybe you're a better person than me, but you can be damn sure I'd not keep their little secret a secret for long. I'd be chit-chatting all the parents.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3281 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Honestly, there is no real way to respond without being the 'bad' person in some way.

Why would they need your permission to move OW's kid out of the class?? That doesnt make any sense to me whatsoever.

Yeah, i would just pretend that little exchange never happened, if he tries to bring it back up just stick your fingers in your ears and go LALALALLALLALA


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1701 | Registered: Sep 2012
brokenfinger
New Member
Member # 39586
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

I only text my ex about our kids, and there have been a few times even that has lead to massive, off the chain, stupid agruments about non-kid things.
I don't respond to anything personal, I don't even acknowledge them.
My vehcile broke down, and I can't afford to fix it,so my bestie insured his truck for me to use, the ex asked me if it was temporary, I just picked up my kids suite cases and walked away, like I hadn't heard it.
I hear your frustrations on him caring now, mine is like that. I worked my work schedule around his hobby schedule, so he could go play with his friends. I also was limited to working because of his work schedule, and he never, ever helped arrange child care. Now he wants them two weeks on and off. I said no; and my daughter had a meltdown at the thought of the new piece off ass looking after her.
They couldn't give two shit before, but now want to be fathers of the year? What the actual fuck??!!
I live in a small town,and know I cannot avoid school things forver. As shitty as it is, I feel it's one of those things I need to start working on now. He is still their dad and has a right to be there, wethere I want him to or not. I know it sucks, and it hurts, but you guys are going to have to just be nice and exhist around each other in those moments. I, personaly hate those moments, right now. I usuallly need a drink when I get home, but I do it for my kids.

The kids are what matter. When you feel like your going to lose your shit, remember it's all for them.

The kindergarten thing is silly, and may not be able to be controlled, this is reality, hes gotta learn to deal with it.
My ex llike to spout off how things are going to go down, and go. I ignore them, and keep on keeping on how I want to do things, and let him know he can partake if likes. I will not give him the power over me, or bully me. With his it's all about the power.

Here's hoping the rest of today is better


There is no stronger message, then dirt in your face.

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 27